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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Viewing, Funeral, Burial, Wake ?
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Which do you attend? Do you call it a "visitation" or a "viewing?" Do you call the last part a "wake" a "reception," or "going back to the house?" What do you usually say to the bereaved?
Reason I'm asking: Our 97year-old neighbor has died. They never liked us much, our ten pound dog being blamed for the five pound piles left in their yard by the Pit Bull strays, but we like them and have lived across the street for 15 years.
I want to go to the funeral, but hubs and son think the "viewing," would be the better choice.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Trudy Scrumptious
BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
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Posted
Customs are so local and specific when it comes to this. Around here, we call the period before the funeral (usually 2 days) either the "viewing," "visitation," or "wake," when the deceased is at the funeral home (either on display in an open casket or decently covered up in a closed one, or represented by a small box in case of cremation) and the family are there to receive condolences. This time period is when everyone who knew the deceased or the family even tangentially is expected to drop by, share condolences, share memories of the deceased, admire the large collection of pictures of the person's life that usually adorns the room, send/bring flowers, sympathy cards, donations to the charity of the dead person's choice, etc.
The actual funeral service is held either in the church or the funeral home chapel and is normally attended by a smaller group, those who count themselves good friends of either the deceased or a family member. An even more select group -- family and very close friends -- would drive from the church/chapel to the graveyard for the actual interment service immediately afterwards, which is usually quite short.
There's no formal after-gathering traditional around here but lots of people will of course informally have friends and family back to the house after a funeral. When someone in our church dies the church ladies normally host a small reception with snacks and hot drinks in the church basement after the funeral and graveside service.
So by the customs I'm familiar with, it would indeed be more appropriate to go to your neighbour's viewing/visitation rather than to the actual funeral service, but mileage varies pretty widely on this one.
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Books and things.
I lied. There are no things. Just books.
Posts: 7428 | From: Closer to Paris than I am to Vancouver | Registered: Mar 2004
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Thanks a million, Trudy. I needed that much detail and I think that sounds like the Ohio-appropriate path.
The info on the etiquette sites are unclear and/or very odd sounding. One official sounding site said that visitations are by invitation only and even I knew that sounded wrong.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826
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Posted
Around these parts the usual process is an open- casket “visitation” of one or two days, depending I suppose on the size of the family and how long it takes to get everyone there... then the funeral — usually at the funeral home — and a meal afterward. My family were “ church people,” so our funerals happened in church, with the church ladies holding a luncheon in the fellowship hall afterward. Nowadays the popularity of cremation has changed the visitation and funeral dynamics, and with most women working it is increasingly hard to find enough of them able to pull together a meal for dozens of mourners...I think families and friends are more on their own as far as feeding funeral attendees.
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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com
Posts: 6462 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
It varies tremendously from place to place. If you ever have any doubt, you could always ask the funeral director who's taking care of the interment. He will have done this many many times and can tell you what's usual in your area.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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georgiaboy
Shipmate
# 11294
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Posted
While it is strongly 'regional,' by all means read 'Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Southern Ladies Guide' -- I think that's the right title.
Detailed explanations of visitations, funerals, burials, church luncheons, and 'come by the house' traditions in parts of the southern USA. While likely to be mostly factual, it is EXTREMELY funny -- to the laugh-till-your-stomach-hurts degree.
You will also find out the difference between Episcopalian and Methodist casseroles (mayonnaise vs salad dressing) and why the Episcopal church is most popular for funerals (it's closest to the cemetery). A strongly recommended read!
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You can't retire from a calling.
Posts: 1675 | From: saint meinrad, IN | Registered: Apr 2006
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Ferijen
Shipmate
# 4719
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Posted
All of this would be very different in England (certainly 'English' families, different communities from varying nationalities would have their own customs)... closed coffin. Family members might see the body at the chapel of rest but no 'public' viewing. Funeral open to everyone and their cat (but in reality, usually family, friends, neighbours, colleagues, associates depending on the age and popularity of the deceased). Wake afterwards (often at a pub or social club) with usually an invitation to all who attend the funeral but an expectation that not all will attend, where stories and memories are shared.
Posts: 3259 | From: UK | Registered: Jul 2003
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
Any service in a church (in an Episcopal church, at least) is technically open to all comers.
We don't do visitations in my family; we have a funeral in the church, and a reception in the parish hall after interment of the ashes. (And I have warned my executor and heirs that if I'm put on display after I'm dead I will haunt them.) But they seem to be important to a lot of people, so when in doubt, you should probably try to attend.
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
While it is strongly 'regional,' by all means read 'Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Southern Ladies Guide' -- I think that's the right title.
Thank you! I just ordered it from my library, the title already has me laughing. My brother and his lady friend have an endless battle going over salad dressing vs mayo -- this should fuel the flames nicely.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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wild haggis
Shipmate
# 15555
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Posted
Much depends on the region/country you live in and also your religious background.
Some cultures view the body in the undertakers, some at home (particularly in Ireland), some have an open coffin in the church service (the first time it happened to me when attending a West Indian funeral was a bit of a shock), some have the closed coffin which is rested at home overnight before the funeral, some have it brought into the church or crematorium by the undertakers, straight from the chapel of rest. There is a wide variance.
Some cultures want the funeral as quickly as possible after death (Jews and Moslems and also some Scottish people from my own country) others will wait until the whole family is gathered - or there is a space in the crematorium or church timetable.
In some places there is no body as it has been donated for medical research, so there is just a funeral service or a remembrance gathering.
In fact you don't even need a church service at all.
My brother is a manager at a crematorium and he says that today anything goes with funerals, so always ask if you are unsure.
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wild haggis
Posts: 166 | From: Cardiff | Registered: Mar 2010
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Fuzzipeg
Shipmate
# 10107
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Posted
I have made it known that there are to be no eulogies at my funeral. I have sat through so many that certainly didn't describe the deceased that I knew.
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http://foodybooze.blogspot.co.za
Posts: 929 | From: Johannesburg, South Africa | Registered: Aug 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Recent one I went to had 2 eulogies, and they were both good.
They did the internment, then (I think) some people went for a tea at a local coffee shop. Then the main service which was followed by "Refreshments" - which was the equivalent of the wake.
I think a wake of some kind is important - the sense of eating, drinking, identifying that life is going on, as well as a chance to talk to the bereaved.
I am not sure about going to a viewing. Unless they are particularly close, I don't see the point of looking at a dead body most of the time. I think it is better, more appropriate, to accept and look to move on. I am not saying this is easy, but the Funeral and the rites are supposed to be letting go, moving on, not looking back.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Fuzzipeg:
I have made it known that there are to be no eulogies at my funeral. ...
Yes, that's another of my Thou-Shalt-Not-on-Pain-of-Haunting notes. They're usually too long and poorly done. (I'll never forget singing for a memorial service with 15 eulogies, 13 of them by drinking buddies, one by a brother-in-law, and one by a business partner. The rector was out of town, and the associate couldn't stand up to them.) Besides, they're not a part of the Anglican tradition. I would prefer to have a homily by a priest who knows me, who will - first and foremost - preach the Gospel.
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
The fifteen drinking buddies sounds like a funeral at my Methodist church. We all stayed after the church service for the funeral and "refreshments after" because we knew the deceased's wife very well. She was the loyal church member and altar lady. We finally understood why he had never come to church with her.
I'm another who has made it clear that I want no eulogies. This will be my parting gift to my brothers, son and husband, as we all have a terror of public speaking.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194
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Posted
No viewings in Oz, except, maybe, for migrant families, although immediate family may choose to go and see the body...
Then service and wake.
Cremations are very often the norm in Oz, provided there is a place for that to happen. So, out in my remote valley, there is usually a graveside service too.
In our modern world, some folk opt for a civil celebrant, or no service at all, or no service but a wake, or a service with no coffin. I am as involved as necessary. I try and pop in at the wake, even if I didn’t know the person, if only to use the bathroom, and then eat before the long drive home.
Eulogies are common, and often include PowerPoint.... sometimes bad and sometimes good... Sigh!
[ 16. February 2018, 21:12: Message edited by: Rowen ]
Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I've never been to a "viewing" or visitation before the funeral service - I'd never really come across that tradition until I lived in Newfoundland, and it seemed very strange to me.
I'm going over to Scotland next week for my father's funeral; the church service will be open to anyone who wishes to be there, and there'll be a reception afterwards in a local hotel, which is also technically open to anyone who was at the church, although in practice it's more likely to be just family and close friends.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826
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Posted
“ Anything goes” sidebar: When I was active as a lay minister, a marginally churchgoing childhood friend of DS asked me if I would preside over an elderly relative’s memorial service, held in another relative’s home. The evening before the service I met with family members to review the basic outline of the service and learn more about the deceased. Imagine my shock when one relative came in with a large cardboard box and began pulling salad- cruet -sized urns out of it — bits of Dear Old Dad for all the kids. ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com
Posts: 6462 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
I do not understand the contemporary fad for distributing bits of the deceased, in jewelry or otherwise. Talk about Ashes to Go...
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
No viewings in Oz, except, maybe, for migrant families, although immediate family may choose to go and see the body...
Eulogies are common, and often include PowerPoint.... sometimes bad and sometimes good... Sigh!
I've ever only heard of viewings amongst particular communities. It's pretty rare though and I've never been at a funeral with a open casket.
As to the last paragraph, you're being far too kind. It would be more accurate to say sometimes good, usually bad. We've given instructions that there are to be no eulogies at our funeral. The priest is to give a very brief and potted biography at the start of the sermon. We've already written that biography and update it each year. It will take about a minute to give. Nothing more is needed.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
Well we did it. We went to the viewing, per Trudy's advice, and all the other neighbors were there, so it was definitely the right thing to do. With great effort I managed to keep from saying anything "funny" which is my normal instinct in social situations. Gah, it's like a form of Tourette's.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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cattyish
Wuss in Boots
# 7829
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
I've never been to a "viewing" or visitation before the funeral service - I'd never really come across that tradition until I lived in Newfoundland, and it seemed very strange to me.
I'm going over to Scotland next week for my father's funeral; the church service will be open to anyone who wishes to be there, and there'll be a reception afterwards in a local hotel, which is also technically open to anyone who was at the church, although in practice it's more likely to be just family and close friends.
I'm sorry for your loss Piglet. I hope there's peace for those left and peace for your father.
Cat
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...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Posts: 1794 | From: Scotland | Registered: Jul 2004
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Twilight
Puddleglum's sister
# 2832
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Posted
I'm sorry, too, Piglet. It's a whole different thing when it's your loved one and not just an etiquette problem.
As we were about to leave for the neighbor's funeral yesterday, I entered my father's name in Google thinking I might find his obituary online,although it's been 15 years since he died. What popped up instead was an item from the 1939 Charleston Gazette, saying His Name, aged 24, had applied for a marriage license with Mother's Maiden Name, aged 23. Suddenly picturing the two of them at that age had me more teary eyed than I had been in years.
Posts: 6817 | Registered: May 2002
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
The most common thing here these days is rapid cremation and at most a box of ashes with pictures of the deceased. Many times we are also seeing no funeral at all.
Wakes, viewings, prayers before funerals and the like are most common for First Nations and Métis.
The wishes of the deceased are part of the decision making re funerals. The needs of the living must also be taken into account. Particularly if the deceased have been insensitive to the living. We will do what we want when my father dies. I think the plans and wishes don't account for the messes some deceased leave behind them.
My wife and I have personally made only 2 requests for our own. No "Amazing Grace" too be sung, "Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee" as recessional. JJWAT was also at our wedding.
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
No viewings here either.
Back in the 1960s when one of my great-grandmothers died the coffin was in the house before the funeral. I have a dim recollection of being taken in to see her, but being convinced it was a doll because "it" had long grey plaits, rather than the rather impressive hairdo I knew.
Service in church is a must, with cremation after for close family only: when my other half died I left it up to the children to decide if they wanted to come or not - they decided not to.
A wake afterwards is a given, and anyone at the church is welcome. If the house is large enough, and close enough to the church, then there, otherwise in the church hall. In our family what we aim for is the sort of party that the deceased would have enjoyed (or if they were a misanthrope, the sort they'd have hated) so its usually a decent buffet with wine for those who wish.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Nick Tamen
Ship's Wayfaring Fool
# 15164
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
While it is strongly 'regional,' by all means read 'Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Southern Ladies Guide' -- I think that's the right title.
Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral. I heartily second the recommendation. (The title refers to the clothes one should be dressed in for burial. Being dead is no excuse for not looking good.)
Around here the visitation (not "reception" or "wake") typically takes place at the funeral home a night or two before the funeral, or maybe on a weekend afternoon. There is often a large turnout. People who can’t come to the funeral will make an effort to get there. In my experience/circles, the casket will be closed, but that’s not always the case.
If the funeral is at the funeral home chapel, there likely won’t be a huge turnout—mostly family and closer friends or co-workers, who may gather at the family's home afterward.
If the funeral is at the church, turnout may be quite large, and will include lots of people who came to the visitation. Standing room only or overflow elsewhere in the church is not unusual. In my hometown, there is an understanding among the Presbyterian, Episcopal and Methodist church choirs that whoever could would sing in the choir at a funeral in any of those churches. This not only ensures a larger choir, especially during a work day, but also left more room in the pews.
Of course, depending on the person/family, it might be smaller. An older person survived by few friends or family might have a smaller service.
Unless burial immediately follows the funeral, a reception is typically held at the church. Food—sometimes lots—and everyone stays at least long enough to speak to the family. It can sometimes last a few hours. After the reception, the church often provides a meal for the family, either at the church or at the family home.
Burials, whether before the service or after, are often limited to family and close friends.
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The first thing God says to Moses is, "Take off your shoes." We are on holy ground. Hard to believe, but the truest thing I know. — Anne Lamott
Posts: 2833 | From: On heaven-crammed earth | Registered: Sep 2009
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Nick Tamen:
... An older person survived by few friends or family might have a smaller service ...
We've been trying to predict the turnout for Dad's funeral: although he was 93, and obviously most of his contemporaries are dead, he had been quite well-known in the town where he'd lived for over 50 years, and we think there might be quite a decent turnout.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Nick Tamen
Ship's Wayfaring Fool
# 15164
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Posted
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif) Piglet
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The first thing God says to Moses is, "Take off your shoes." We are on holy ground. Hard to believe, but the truest thing I know. — Anne Lamott
Posts: 2833 | From: On heaven-crammed earth | Registered: Sep 2009
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Recently I was told that funeral directors (not undertakers, of course) are trying to discourage the term "wake" as it sounds too depressing. Sounds daft to me, but then so do many linguistic choices.
In addition, I thought "wake" was an Irish term, and that the English version was "reception", but everyone round here uses the former. Maybe they're all depressed.
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Robert Armin:
Recently I was told that funeral directors (not undertakers, of course) are trying to discourage the term "wake" as it sounds too depressing. Sounds daft to me, but then so do many linguistic choices.
In addition, I thought "wake" was an Irish term, and that the English version was "reception", but everyone round here uses the former. Maybe they're all depressed.
Yes, I'm fairly sure 'wake is originally an Irish term, but often used on this side of the Irish Sea. I've never heard 'reception' used. The more traditional English phrase is probably 'tea' as in 'funeral tea'. 'Wakes' tend to involve more alcohol than 'teas'. A funeral tea can include lunch!
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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Cathscats
Shipmate
# 17827
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Posted
Here we say Reception, as a wake might last up to three days....
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"...damp hands and theological doubts - the two always seem to go together..." (O. Douglas, "The Setons")
Posts: 176 | From: Central Highlands | Registered: Sep 2013
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Actually a traditional Irish wake takes place before the funeral, not after: I dimly remember my parents telling of a funeral on mother's side of the family back in rural Cork where the wake started on the Thursday morning, the funeral was at noon on the Friday and then everyone went to the pub.
Of course, "oop north" wakes week in a mill village was something else completely.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
Wake here is the general name for any post-service refreshments, light food, tea, coffee, something stronge - it all depends on where the service was held.
Most services here these days seem to be at one of the crematoriums (it's an English word now and takes the usual English plural form) and many of those are conducted by a layperson. Burial as opposed to cremation is becoming rarer each year.
But some funeral customs have yet to make their way here.
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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Gee D
Shipmate
# 13815
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Posted
As a slight aside, the death notices yesterday recorded the passing of a 97 year old, survived by a large family including not just 18 great-grandchildren but also 2 great-greats!
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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican
Posts: 7028 | From: Warrawee NSW Australia | Registered: Jun 2008
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Rossweisse
High Church Valkyrie
# 2349
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
As a slight aside, the death notices yesterday recorded the passing of a 97 year old, survived by a large family including not just 18 great-grandchildren but also 2 great-greats!
My, those must be short generations!
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I'm not dead yet.
Posts: 15117 | From: Valhalla | Registered: Feb 2002
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Galloping Granny
Shipmate
# 13814
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Posted
When you are part of a church community it's pretty straightforward. We don't 'do' viewings – children and I were invited to come to the funeral home if we wished to see my husband and found it variously creepy: 'that's not the man I knew' sort of thing.
Son did a nice eulogy, and two close friends (not of our church), our requirement being that they let the minister know and restrict length to one A4 page. The kids had created two A1 sized posters of photos.
The whole congregation and everyone who'd known him turned out for the funeral and church families put on a huge spread.
We didn't attend the cremation, which took place at the funeral home.
Having read of the cost of funerals I realised what a difference church membership can make. We had to use a larger neighbouring church, but even so the cheque I sent as a donation was never cashed.
..............
A dear Scots friend whose family arranged a quiet funeral had none of this but the minister got a bottle of good malt whisky a couple of weeks later and invited anyone who wished to come and remember him one day – I was away, alas. That was his wake.
.............
A recent TV series has revealed the work of a Maori funeral director who specialises in incorporating Maori customs for his Maori clients. Rather moving.
GG
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The Kingdom of Heaven is spread upon the earth, and men do not see it. Gospel of Thomas, 113
Posts: 2629 | From: Matarangi | Registered: Jun 2008
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