Thread: Heaven: The Miss SoF Pageant Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Yes, it's time for the blatantly sexist and politically incorrect but still Heavenly Miss Ship of Fools 2002 Pageant. Here's the chance for a female shipmate to acquire bragging rights as SoF's paragon of Post-Victorian Gender Stereotyping.

The Contest will include Rounds such as Talent, Question/Response, and Swimsuit. Viewers will PM me their votes at the end of each Round for their favorite contestants. Whether contestants will be eliminated between Rounds will depend on how many decide to be in...

The Opening Number Round: Each contestant (married shipmates are welcome BTW; the "Miss" is purely ceremonial) will walk down the virtual runway, describe her costume and overall air through the imperfect means of internet posting, and then blurt out a tired cliche about why she's in the contest. Contestants must make an appearance by July 23.

<Orchestra strikes up, Smarmy Host warbles>

From around the world to here they fly,
See how they shine like stars in the sky.
But to solid ground they will come down,
So that we can give one the SoF crown.

Contestant Number One!...

[ 10. March 2003, 01:21: Message edited by: Erin ]
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Contestant Number One appears at the beginning of the Cat Walk..

I am wearing a rather skimpy electric blue silk evening gown, designer label of St Mark and his brother St Sparks. It is very off the shoulder and low cut at both the front and the back, leaving nothing to the imagination It is clinging in all the right places and is the audience is stunned by my beauty. My hair style is natural and soft, and shining with health. I am also wearing a pair of very expensive black higheeled shoes that I can't really walk in but am trying very hard! I have an air of confidence and yet enigmatic about me as I arrive at the microphone. I take the mic in my right hand, and in a quiet, husky and sexy voice tell you all " I am in this contest because I am gorgeous, you know that I am the obvious winner, and you just can't wait to see me in a swimsuit".
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
[enthusiastic wolf whistles, or is this event to classy for that?]
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
...blushes in a shy and yet seductive way at Coot as she struts her stuff back up the catwalk and into the dressing room..

Bring on the competition!
 

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Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Contestant Number Two appears at the beginning of the Cat Walk..

I am wearing a pale-blue, long, simple dress. The coour is similar to the sky of a perfect summer's day. At the top (which, by the way is neither so low that you can see everything, nor so high that all you see is my neck, but somewhere in between) is a delicate line of blue, tiny, fabric roses. These also compose the straps, which are actually around my arms, at the same level as the neckline. Around my shoulders is a slightly darker blue velvet wrap. Moving downwards, the waistline is high at my hips, coming down to a point below my stomach/derriere. A simple, yet full skirt flows from here, swirling around me as I walk. My shoes are impossibly high, blue, strappy stiletto heeled sandals, which I sashay along in.

I have long, blonde hair (reaching down to my waist), which shines under the harsh lighting, and blue-grey eyes. I am sunkissed, though not deeply tanned, because we all know how bad that is for you As I sashay forward, this gives me the opportuinty to show-off all my curves, and my dazzling, radiant smile.

As I reach the mike, I turn slightly to face the compere, which gives me a chance to flick my hair, and pose provocatively for a second. Then I turn back to the audience, take hold of the mike and, smiling sweetly, announce:
'I've entered this competition because I enjoy performing in front of lots of people. And if I win I'll have many opportunities to help change the world, using my fame, wealth and photogenicity.'

One more dazzling, radiant smile, and I sashay off, stage-right.
 

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Posted by Robert Miller (# 1459) on :
 
I've shaved my legs have a false set of boobs and waxed my face and armpits - damn I look soooo convincing walking down the catwalk in my bikini watch me wiggle my bum.

Ahhh!
 

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Posted by Robert Miller (# 1459) on :
 
So I guess I'm contestant number 3 then
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
[Contestant #4]

Oh, what the hell. OK. I am wearing a fetching little number by Dior in turquoise and gold as I mince down the catwalk in these impossibly elegant shoes, which are killing me. The headdress is a bit wobbly but it’s too late to do anything about it now. When I get back off stage I’m going to sack my dresser. He insists on giving me the sort of outfits he’d like to wear himself, and can’t. If that isn’t vicarious dressing, I don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, I give the assembled crowd a dazzling and charming grin. I’m normally quite confident, friendly, warm and beautiful, except for a regrettable tendency to swear vigorously and throw things when I don’t get my own way. I’m here because I want the money and the publicity, and hopefully to break into films, but I shall tell everybody that the real reason I am here is because I want to be able to give my services to charities that help small children and furry animals.

Having seen the competition, I think I should be OK, just so long as nobody in fishnet tights turns up.

[ 22 July 2002, 18:19: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Olorin (# 2010) on :
 
Fishnet tights!
Where?
 

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Posted by splosh (# 2743) on :
 
Well I guess I am constant number 5.

I step stylishly on to the cat walk, in a full length dress, in a delicate shade of lilac (blue is soo last year ). My hair is neatly up at the back of my head, and has little purple butterflies decorating it. The dress is strapless, with a fitted bodice into a fairly full skirt which has a slight train at the back. I glide elegantly along the catwalk. (the dress covers my shoes, so no one can tell, I hace a flat pair of sandles on, to save my ankles!)

I reach the mike smile, my winning smile, and inform the audience that I would love to win this competion, as I would like t travel and meet new people. in my mind knowing the money would be great, and it shoudl make me famous.

I then glide off the catwalk.
 

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Posted by candleinthedark (# 2361) on :
 
[Contestant #6]

I step onto the stage and pause for effect before beginning elegantly to walk up the catwalk. I'm dressed rather differently from your average beauty queen, a long dress in a regal red colour but for a cream strip at the top and straps. It fits closely over my bosom flowing to a few inches above the floor. My long hair is arranged at the back of my head with fresh aromatic flowers nesting delicately in between; a noble posture shows off the glittering necklace I wear.

The audience take this in, never conceiving that the dress was made by my own hands, as I proceed towards the microphone in graceful, gliding steps. Holding the microphone in "fairy liquid" hands I look round at the assembled multitudes and lift a clear voice "I have entered this contest to demonstrate that a woman can be both pretty and intelligent, both and engineer and graceful, both a wife and an individual."

[ 22 July 2002, 18:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Contestant number 94 clambers onto the catwalk with the help of a couple of burly stagehands. As she adjusts her underwear and regains her balance and equanimity, the audience can see that vertical stripes are not slimming when they have “Property of Brighton Beach” stencilled on the back.

Stepping forward on 4-inch stilettos from the dressing up box (it would have been better if she could have found a pair, but the half-inch difference doesn’t show too much), she is assisted in her balance by a Zimmer frame customised with wheels from the “Supermarket Trolley Reject Shop” and go-faster stripes which would have been more effective if they’d been done in non-drip paint.

At the end of the catwalk, she turns to the right. Unfortunately, the Zimmer frame is caught in a gap in the boards and goes straight on; we are assured that the long velvet curtains can be rehung before the next contestant and that the sight of the previous contestants changing for the swimsuit round will not detract from their chances. Contestant number 94 realises that there will be some serious competition for the title of “Miss Beached whale 2002” this year.

As she starts to speak into the microphone, there is a tremendous howl-around, but one of the judges can lip-read and informs the rest that if contestant 94 won’t get up for less than £10,000, next year’s prize money will be reduced accordingly.

It looks as if the prize of a large paper bag with optional eye-holes is a certainty.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Contestant no. 7 flutters down onto the catwalk, folds her angel wings and continues with carefully practised moonwalk glide. I am dressed in richest red with side fastening, draped over with flowing white and batwing sleeves (OK, cassock and surplice to you) for I am 'Chorister' descended from the heavenly heights (or maybe the choir vestry, where other pretty unreal things tend to happen). I shake my wavy brunette locks (unfortunately not blonde, like most of the angels) and flash my shining teeth in a most engaging manner.

I have entered this competition because I'd like to teach the world to sing I smilingly say to the judges, before shimmying offstage.

[Contestant Number changed]

[ 22 July 2002, 18:20: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Viola (# 20) on :
 
Contestant Number (no - I'm sorry - I can't wear a number badge - I've nowhere to pin it)

[For the viewers at home, this is Contestant #8]

Dressed in elegant black (just stepped up from the orchestra pit in my high heeled boots in order to enter), I swish my velvet, silver trimmed cloak aside to reveal that I am clad in a tight fitting corset, small lacy skirt, and (be still you boys) those fishnets that someone was lusting after.

This competition means so much to me. I will use my prize money to win friends and influence people. Beginning with the judges of next year's competition.

Choose me - you know it makes sense



[ 22 July 2002, 18:21: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
[Contestant #9]

I walked down in the stage in high, elegant Italian sandals...wearing a silky black shimmering strapeless dress. I have sparkly earrings, my long auburnish-brown hair is swept up...my eyes are glistening from tears...I smile a plastic red lipstick smile...my pale skin shines with all the sparkly power I put on before going on stage.

I grab the microphone and say..."I am here to save the world...and do my part for mankind".

I bat my eyes, fight back the tears...and shake my jiggly butt off stage, almost falling over careless wire somebody left out and caught in my left heel. Da nerve!

[Text quoted from OP removed per poster's request]

[ 22 July 2002, 18:23: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
[Contestant #10]

I am wearing a searsucker blouse and skirt which is a marvel becasue it doesn't crease and they were selling them reduced in the marks and sparks summer sale. Mrs Scott from down the road has bought one as well, but hers is in the bluey green one and blue isn't really my colour so i got the greeny browny one. I've got a nice cardie on in case it gets cold, it's in a tan colour which is so practical it just goes with everything I don't know what i'd do without it. I though about wearing a hat but i don't really think that's the fashionable thing to do now, so i've just got my hair set nicely by sharon and, of course, had it dyed a light brown colour to hide the grey but don't tell your dad now. I've brushed my hair because it does look nicer when it's brushed.

The shoes are almost wearing out and I don't know what i'll do when they finally go because I haven't had some this comfortable in ages. They don't have much of a heel but then I never did like heels much, and they slip on very easily if you need to pop down the garden to put the compost out. The dark brown goes quite well with the cardie I think, really dark brown goes with everything very well. So useful.

I didn't know what to wear round my neck but these simple beads don't detract from the check pattern of the dress and in a red I think they're nice and jolly. I do find it dreary all these young people who wear black all the time... even to weddings! It is a shame. Oh yes, and I've put on my lipstick since it's a special occassion. Is it all right to carry my handbag like this, or do I leave it behind the scenes? Actually, I think I'll take it with me if you don't mind, you never know when you might need a Kleenex.

Now, I'll just say my piece and then shall we pop out and find somewhere for a cup of tea?

"Hello everybody! Thank you for inviting me. I'm here on behalf of Mums making the world just a slightly nicer place where people write thank you letters and they don't suddenly muddle round which aisle the eggs are in at the supermarket. Thank you."

"and i really would prefer to be 'Mrs.' if you don't mind..."

[ 22 July 2002, 18:23: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by zandolit (# 346) on :
 
Enter contestant Number - what number are we on now?

[You would be Contestant #11; with Contestant #94, there are 12 in total so far]

Zandolit enters the stage. Starting from the top, we see a young lady with a rather scruffy head of mousy-brown hair, still damp from either sweat or the late afternoon shower, or, as is more likely, both. It also appears that the large floppy hat clutched in her left hand has been on her head for most of the day, also contributing to the unruly mop. Tucked behind her ear at a jaunty angle is a well-used pencil. As she reaches up to arrange a stray lock of hair behind her ear, leaving a smudge of dirt on her sweat-glistened cheeks, we see that her fingernails also have quite a bit of dirt underneath them.

A damp, sweaty and rather dirty bright orange tank top clings to her upper body and she has a gray sports bra underneath, also sweat-stained. She is wearing olive-green cargo pants (also bearing evidence of hard wear and mud stains) – the sort that can be unzipped to transform them into a pair of shorts, though at the moment she is wearing them to the full length. On her right hip is holstered a pair of pruning shears, and the pockets of her cargo pants bulge with various and sundry objects.

As she walks down the catwalk toward the microphone, her heavy CSA-approved steel-toed work boots make a rather loud clunking sound that echoes throughout the silent hall, and she leaves a trail of mud behind her. She ambles up to the microphone, squints and shades her eyes from the bright lights, trying to make out the shadowy faces in the crowd, and says “How the hell did I end up here?”

[ 22 July 2002, 18:25: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Aside) No way. I don't care how many bottles of champagne he has in his dressing room - oh ... really? Wow. Are you sure? And just how do you know? Make that a definite maybe.
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
<Austin Powers>

That Contestant #3 is one exotic bird, I'll tell you wot. There's something mysterious about her, like she has some sort of secret. God, she's making me randy--I'd like to sh--

...excuse me?...oh...never mind...

</Austin Powers>
 

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Posted by Qlib (# 43) on :
 
Qlib stomps on in non-descript clothing and walking boots, dumps pile of poo on stage and stomps off again.

[That would be Contestant #12 then.

Oh, Cleanup Crew...]

[ 22 July 2002, 20:51: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by splosh:
(blue is soo last year )

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Behind the scenes, in the dressing room, Contestant #2 fetches #5 a rather nifty right-hook, and points out that it doesn't matter how up-to-date #5's clothes are, they still make her look like a sack of potatoes. Contestant #5 collapses on the floor, and bursts into tears.

Other contestants look on admiringly, wishing they could floor people as well as #2, both physically and verbally.
 

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Posted by Cliona (# 2035) on :
 
[Contestant #13]

The dark-haired beauty slips gracefully onto the stage as the crowd gasps in awe.

Wearing a long red gown with shimmering gold threads shot through it, this contestant glides down the catwalk, oozing with sexiness.

With a coquettish flutter of her long dark eyebrows, she turns her head to one side and entones in a smoky, jazz-singer voice:
"My aim in life is to win this beauty contest. And to attain world peace."

[ 22 July 2002, 22:52: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by splosh (# 2743) on :
 
Contestant #5, decides that violent is not the way forward, so instead, swaps the hairspray of constestant #2 with blue hair colour to match her dress. THus causing #2 to have bright blue hair
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Aside) I really don't know if I can go through with this. He's even less attractive close up, and I don't believe his brother owns half of Hollywood. And the audience look weird. Most of them are wearing grubby raincoats, and that guy over there is literally drooling over his copy of "Fishnet Weekly". Isn't this all just a symbol of heterosexist oppression designed to keep womyn subordinate by making them feel less sisterly towards one another and more insecure about their body images? How is that good? Oh ... uh huh ... right ... yep ... did he? ... go for the vegetable korma, it was really good last time.
 

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Posted by Cosmo (# 117) on :
 
[Contestant #14]

Fr Buskin sweeps onto the stage in a practiced movement. Dressed in an appealing little off-the-shoulder chasuble, perch-back biretta and a maniple dangling from his wrist like a clutch (yes, that's cLutch) he processes down the aisle, sorry, walkway with a most experienced gait. Pausing only to cuff one of his acolytes with a perforated spoon, he doffs the biretta graciously at one of the judges (the Spanish Maitre d'Hotel called 'Jesus' who Fr Buskin has always enjoyed dropping into conversation - 'Oh, yes, Jesus can always get me a table' - and with whom he has had many an enjoyable evening down the 'Jolly Farmers') before making his way back to the vestry, err, changing room.

None of the other contestants can match his grace under pressure, his sheer range of colour and costumery and his willingness to go Head-to-Head with 'Mad Gin Lizzie' on shots of Tanq.

Truly his all round talents make him a force to be reckoned with.

From the ringside,

Cosmo

[ 22 July 2002, 23:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Cosmo (# 117) on :
 
Oh yes, his favourite colour is 'Rose-pink - only worn twice a year you know, and then NEVER in effiminate pink'. He then pulls out a violet cream and trots off to St Erkenwald's for High Mass, Solemn Benediction, Procession of the Relic and Tea.

Cosmo
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I am waiting with baited breath for newcomer Brimshack Gunnaheave to put in an appearance - with a name like that s(he) is surely going to steal the show!
 

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Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Unlike Contestant #5, #2 isn't stupid, so she grins contemptuously when notices the attempted switch, and uses proper hair spray.

Really, #5 should just grow up.
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
Everyone do their best to get Erin into the competition and keep her going in it - I want her in a bikini!!

Incidentally, I should let all the contestants know that I have certain sway over the judging, if you know what I mean. Any favours or....something else wouldn't go unnoticed, if you know what I mean!!
 

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Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
Contestant number 15 is me! I am wearing a long, off cream alb, with shoulder pads, and a sweetly pretty royal blue scarf, fetchingly draped across my shoulders and down my front. It has an embroidered bird and cross thing on both bottom ends, and seems to be the logo of the denomination that employs me, and is sposoring me for this event. Because it is mid-winter here, I am wearing knee high sheepskin boots, colloquially called "uggs" that shyly peep out the bottom of the robe. My asseccories are stunning- because I work in a hospital I have tucked a pager into my pocket, and clipped an ID card to my colllar. Like all ID cards, the world over, the photo of me on it is remarkable for its interestingness... (What more could I say? We all KNOW ID photos, don't we). I am clutching a bible and a box of tissues. I have a kind, somewhat anxious. tired look on my face, and those who see me walking up the stairs to the stage- my support crew- yell out "You are an angel, Rowen!". They are all here today in wheelchairs with drips.
"Thankyou all. I know I deserve to win, just because I am clergy and humble and compassionate and wise and....".
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
... "and with whom he has had many an enjoyable evening down the 'Jolly Farmers'" ...

<tangent> Ooh, get her. The only thing I remember about the Jolly Farmers was that someone once actually pinched my backside as I walked through the door. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the perpetrator was not a woman. </tangent>
 

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Posted by McChicken (# 2555) on :
 
Congrats Rowen, I think you just swayed the Antipodean vote: ugg boots are CLASSY.
 

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Posted by Cuttlefish (# 1244) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Qlib:
Qlib stomps on in non-descript clothing and walking boots, dumps pile of poo on stage and stomps off again.

[That would be Contestant #12 then.

Oh, Cleanup Crew...]

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quote:

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Originally posted by The Mid:
Incidentally, I should let all the contestants know that I have certain sway over the judging

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Yeah, right, sure. Me too.
 

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Posted by Admiral Holder (# 944) on :
 
And now for something completely different:
Mighty Miss Tubby

Oh, I'm torn between Rowen and the Antipodean vote - Ugg boots indeed! - and the devil-may-care attitude of Clare and Ann.


 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Admiral Holder:
And now for something completely different:
Mighty Miss Tubby

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quote:

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Originally posted by Qlib:
Qlib stomps on in non-descript clothing and walking boots, dumps pile of poo on stage and stomps off again.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Cuttlefish:
...I think that is a feminist protester, not a contestant.

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So that wasn't performance art for the Talent Round?

quote:

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...if you insist on giving her an entry number she might swing some...votes her way.

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It's called "Poetic Justice."
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
I just watched Carry On Girls again after reading this thread.

I wonder....
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
So difficult. Sweet daring Dolphy who took the plunge and went first, not knowing whether Belisarius' thread would be a flop or not. Ariel, beautiful, cynical and sophisticated. But Rowen was a definite loin-stirrer, women in uniform fair set the blood racing. And if only she was wearing a collar and waistcoat, she would be the contestant to lay down and die for.

I am of course, saving my most enthusiastic response for Miss Molly.

Where is Nunc? I think Viola has plundered her wardrobe!
 

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Posted by Zealous Convert (# 1996) on :
 
(Contestant #16)

Z.C. strides onto the stage, wearing...leather. From the top of her fetching leather cap to the pointed toes of her 6-inch thigh-high boots, she is a vision that brings a collective gasp to audience and judges alike. A leather corset and micro-mini adhere like a second skin to her slender form. Her jet-black hair is pulled back in a severe-yet-feminine upsweep, which accentuates her pale skin and finely-molded features. In her black gloved hand she carries an extremely authoritative-looking riding crop. As she gazes imperiously over the crowd, her stern glance falls on the judges.

"You will address me as Mistress Ship-of Fools. This competition is over and I have won, as all the other contestants ran shrieking out of the theater when they beheld my glory. I have spoken! Hear and obey!"

She points her riding crop at one of the judges, who scrambles up to the stage and cowers at her feet. As security approaches the stage, she grabs the hapless judge by the ear and drags him off into the night.

The judges confer briefly. Terrifying the other contestants and stealing a judge should disqualify her, yet they retain strangely compelling memories of those steely blue eyes....

The contest continues.

Katie
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Not at all sure about the other contestants. Ann seems the most likely to win.

Coot, I’ve always liked you, although you don’t know enough directors, producers and casting agencies for me to want to take it further, but I am realistic enough to know that I'm unlikely to get any votes. I’ve found that a combination of dark red hair and sparkling, expressive blue eyes does not go down well with voters who want the more traditional sort of blonde bimbo. There's not much I wouldn't do to improve my chances, including taking out Australian citizenship for the duration, but it might be better to be Brazilian instead, as everyone knows Brazil always win things.
 

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Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
After a busy day of being all things to a lot of people, because flu has struck the Chaplaincy Department, Rowen begans to adorn her alb with many cutesy items, thus determining her dress to be Greek Orthodox, Catholic, departmental tea-maker and secretary, Anglican, Buddhist, Continuing Presybterian, Jewish and yet still distinctively Unting Church. Such an adaptable pageant outfit must surely impress the judges...

The ugg boots remain the same- classy.

(She sends a package of bribes to the judging panel... wafers, a loaf of bread, small cubes of bread, unleavened crackers, wine, grape juice and last-minute-panic blackcurrant juice. Will this sway the vote in her favour?)
 

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Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
(oh- and some of the bribes were blessed by women, and some by men, and some by men who were never ordained by women, and some who were, and some who can't remember...)
What could beat a bribe like that?

 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Dolphy sneaks out of her dressing room wearing nothing but a sexy silk dressing gown and black underware... in her hand she has a bottle of the most expensive champagne and two glasses... off in search of the Mid.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
OK. Clear the decks. Take small children and animals indoors.

#17 is here.

To the sound of trumpets, blue velvet drapes rise to reveal a snowy landscape. From a midnight blue sky, snowflakes drift down over a shimmering forest. Branches part to reveal a glittering vision: an aureole of diamonds surrounds piled masses of platinum hair. More diamonds stud a dresses that slithers over voluptuous curves, parting halfway down, like a waterfall, to reveal a slender leg and foot wearing 7" stilletos. The arms are bare except for braclets of brilliants. The slender fingers wear white jewels the size of gobstoppers. The face is perfectly white apart from grey eyes rimmed with lashes that could knock ornaments off mantelpieces. And scarlet lips like twin satin cushions.

The vision shimmers the length of the catwalk to the microphone, looks langorously at the judges, and breathes: 'I'd like to travel - and believe me, I know how to get around. And be kind to - animals. So why not come up and see me sometime?'
 

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Posted by Olorin (# 2010) on :
 
Hello little lady, wont you step into my parlour?
I'm one of the sponsors of this delightful contest. I am Ole 'horin master of Fishnet international, purveyors of ladies lingerie & gentlemans magazines. I actually employ three of the judges, so....
 

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Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
[contestant number 10]

hello contestant number seventeen. I was just wondering if you needed a plaster for those blisters... those shoes are rather tight aren't they? I think you're very brave to wear them, but I would recommend a band-aid before they rub any further. And you do realise it gets a bit chilly in the evenings here... I've got some spare jumpers in my suitcase if you wanted to borrow one, there's no point in shivering you know! One of them has got a nice shetland pattern on it, and it's not too itchy which is sometimes a problem with the really warm jumpers. And do pop in for a tea anytime, I've bought my own teabags, kettle and a socket converter, since you never can trust people to make good stong tea at these places I find. So handy just to be able to make one whenever you want - there's so much hanging around at these events isn't there!
 

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Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 
"ladies and gentlemen....contestant #18"

(to the tune of "wild thing")

barefoot, wearing a snakeskin bikini, red nailpolish and dark sunglasses.
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
No. 17 managed to top Z.C's 6" thigh highs with 7" stilettos! Do we have any advance on 7" stilettos? Something a bit special is called for, as No. 17 is a strong contender on the grounds of inserting the word 'aureole' into her description.

Ladies knitting in the front row:
Lady 1: Do you 'spect these are all good christian girls, pet?
Lady 2: Yes. Yes. 'Spect so, love.
Lady 1: No. 3 let herself go a bit do ya think, pet?
Lady 2: Ooooh yesss, love.
Lady 1: But No. 14. Pet- Love- Pet- she'd be the only one I'd be happy for my Christopher to bring home.
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
(Since I can't find the Mid I shall sneak my way with the champagne and all my sexy silkyness in the direction of the Coot... I just know that I am going to win this competition! When is the swimming cozy round starting?!!!... Oh Coot, where are you?!!!)
 

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Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 
(some people have to be told everything...i prefer a man who can figure it out for himself. )

swimming contest is just down the corridor love, hurry up now, you don't want to be late!
 

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Posted by Lola (# 627) on :
 
Contestant Number (what are we up to???...) 20 ish [19] has unfortunately had to enter in her lunch hour and has come direct from the office.

She is wearing a dark suit (red and purple are unacceptable colours, there are many different shades of navy, ladies) and has gone for a straight knee length skirt since its a bit more conservative.

Her shoes are low heeled court shoes (open toes and slingbacks being verboten) and she wears sheer tights (maximimun dernier is 40, opaque tights do not present a professional image to clients). She has as recommended brought a spare pair in her handbag in case of ladders.

She strides down the catwalk and slips off her jacket so the judges can admire her blouse and appreciate that not only is she not bare legged (absolutley not permitted) neither is she sleeveless! (This would be almost as bad)

She wears lipstick as this is the minimum of cosmetic application which will be deem her face to be made up (and you should be aware at the start of your careers that women who wear make up earn 20% more than women who don't)

She waves her calculator and red pen at the judges and flashes a smile secure in the knowledge that the leather clad dominatrix cannot be even half a frightening as she is in her auditor clothes!

She turns and spins confident that her attire would probably be appropriate for a formal audience with the Pope which for some reason appears to be the standard the dress code aims for.

[ 23 July 2002, 16:46: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by sharkshooter (# 1589) on :
 
I can hardly wait to see what contestant #18 wears for the swimsuit competition!
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
As the music sounds for the next contestant ( 20 as I start typing ), a leg appears around the curtains. A hairy leg. Not sexy and hairy, more nerdy and hairy. The foot at the end of this leg is in a shoe that would be acceptable at school.

The contestant appears slowly, revealing more leg then anyone really wants to see, until finally a rather short skirt appears ( Dark red ). Followed by the rest of the body, which would appear to be male, judging by the unshaven look.

The contestants belly is held in by a rather revealing silk blouse, although what is revealed is not suitable for these pages. Surfice to say it contains a lot of beer. The delicate pink on the blouse is set off by the aubergine handbag and lime green hat.

The contestant stomps down the walkway in a style that could never be called elegant. Talking the microphone, a rather deep ( in a 10-a-day style, rather than hunky ) says :

"I wanna win, cos I've never won anyfink in me life. And I fink world peace would be a good idea"

He - er she - er the contestant walks off, scratching where one shouldn't be scratched.
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
The Mid walks on stage in his uniform....all eyes leave the contestants to focus on this incredible gorgeous and sexy specimen they see before them. As the judges prepare to abandon all other contestants and award the crown to him (even though he is not a Miss) he stops, politely refuses the crown and goes off in search of Dolphy....he has dinner to go with the champagne!!
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Oh Mid, Oh Mid, I'm here... ready and awaiting you!!! The moment you walked in the room, I could see you were a man of distinction, so good looking, so refined.... pop - oohh the champagne is opened.... so, Mid, the competition is obviously over, I have already won! But let's give the others a chance... when do we get to do the swim suit round?!!! Oh Mid... come over here...... !!!
 

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Posted by Qlib (# 43) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Coot:
Lady 1: But No. 14. Pet- Love- Pet- she'd be the only one I'd be happy for my Christopher to bring home.

---

Yeah, Cosmo gets my vote, too.
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
[bows]

Miss Dolphy, may I present The Mid?
The Mid, Miss Dolphy.

[leaves with relief that his Rudolf Valentino suave stud image hasn't been tried and found wanting]
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
Coot, you are too harsh on yourself. You could never be found wanting...
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
*Sips his champagne*

Thanks Dolphy. Why don't we slip over to Tigglet's Dating Agency thread (which has become a flirtfest) and discuss you winning.....
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
(Charges the Mid's glass with more champagne and offers him some tempting nibbles )

So when does the next round start?!!!! I am dying to try on my new cozy!
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Ladies in front row knitting:

Lady 1: Oooooh Pet! There's another one that's let 'erself go. No. 20, feast your eyes.
Lady 2: Love! Poor dear! Do ya think it's the menopause?
Lady 1: Let me just look at the program, pet. Oooooh. Pet, pet, pet. She's the male-identified-but-asserting-his-rights-to-wear-dresses transgender entry.
Lady 2: Oooh lovely, love. Isn't it nice how we welcome all types?
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Aside) Actually, Qlib and Ann at least have the courage of their convictions and are not ashamed that they don't match up to traditional patriarchal expectations of the female image. They are role models for us all. I find them strangely empowering. I wonder if they'd be up for a cup of herbal tea and a chat about consciousness-raising in my dressing room?

Very vulgar, that No 17, covered in all those diamonds. Wonder how she got them. Must ask, in case I am missing out on something. Bet she can't sit down comfortably in that dress.
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT EXPLAINING HOW MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS 2002 WILL BE CHOSEN

After the deadline to appear in the Opening Act has passed (in 5-6 hours), a secret poll will be posted. Each voter will be able to grant a point to 5 contestants. After 24 hours, the scores will be saved to be combined with the Talent Scores.

After the Talent Round (July 25-26), another secret poll will be posted. Each voter will again be able to grant a point to 5 contestants. After 24 hours, the Talent scores will multiplied by 2 (as this is an enlightened contest) and then added to the Opening Act scores ((T*2)+OA). The top 10-12 scorers (exact number to be determined by final number of contestants, which is now at 21) will advance to the Semi-Final Question/Response Round.

The Semi-Finalists will have two days (July 28-29) to respond the announced Question. The third Secret Poll will then be posted; voters will be able to award points to 2 contestants. The Question/Response scores will added to the totals and the 5 top scorers will advance to the Final Swimsuit Round.

In the Swimsuit Round (July 31), the Finalists will describe their aquatic wear and close with their favorite famous quotes. The last secret poll will then be set up; voters will then vote for one contestant as winner. These scores will be added to the totals and the final announcements (starting with Fourth-Runner-Up up to Winner) will then be made.
 

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Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 
(sharkshooter...being out of sync is my overall air )

good luck ladies (etc.)...some of you could lure a dog off a meatwagon!
 

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Posted by sharkshooter (# 1589) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by blackbird:
..some of you could lure a dog off a meatwagon!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ariel:
(Very vulgar, that No 17, covered in all those diamonds. Wonder how she got them. Must ask, in case I am missing out on something. Bet she can't sit down comfortably in that dress.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
Contestants may spend the day practising their acts for the Talent Round while voting takes place.

---

Well if I practiced mine in public then the other contestants would steal my ideas!!! Let's just say that my body is a theme park!!!

(runs off in search of the Mid once more!!!)
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dolphy:
[QUOTE] Let's just say that my body is a theme park!!!

(runs off in search of the Mid once more!!!)

---

I don't know if I should share with you the first thing that came into my head

I'm here Dolphy, you know where to find me!!!
 

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Posted by Sigmund (# 3002) on :
 
Here I am in all my glory. Combat boots and Marks and Sparks y-fronts. Yeah, baby!!! I must do a Viennese whirl... (contestant no. 19 sweeps imperiously on to centre stage, realises that contestant number is on upside and exits in confusion as possible contestant no. 61)
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: CONTESTANT #61


Dear Contestant #61,

It has come to our attention that you made your initial appearance at the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant significantly past the start of our first round of voting. We at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. are sorry if personal circumstances caused your late arrival, but I regret to inform you that you will not be eligible for Opening Number Points.

You may still continue to participate in the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant if you accept the, while not insurmountable, still-significant handicap of having no Opening Number Points. Please note that your voluntary appearance in the Talent Round within its specified time period will make such an acceptance binding, thereby absolving Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. from any liability due to real or perceived emotional trauma or loss of income.

Should you decide to continue to participate in the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant, we wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Opening Act votes (in the Poll and one PM) have been secured.

At the moment, we have 21 contestants, Qlib having announced her withdrawl on the Poll.

It's now time for the

THE TALENT ROUND

To be included in the voting for Talent Points, contestants must perform by the end of July 26. There will be 10 Semi-Finalists if no ties occur after the Talent Round Voting; if there are ties, there will be 9 to 11 Semi-Finalists, depending on where the ties occur.
 

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Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Done deal Espically as someone tried to enter me already - the cheek ...

I turn up looking like Fenella Fielding in "Carry On Screaming" - long black hair, pretty face and red velvet dress My voice is smoky as I sing a beautiful torch like Edith Piaf

Which number am I again ...

Tubbs
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Chorister - her with the angel wings and brilliant smile, remember - regrets to inform you that she is unable to display any talent unless it is part of teamwork. It is rather hard to sing in four-part harmony on your own, and also rather difficult to play 12 handbells as a solo.

So, for this round, let me introduce my backing group <ahem> sorry, I mean teammates.

Cue beautiful rendition of 'Locus iste', 'Panis Angelicus' and 'Beati Quorum Via', followed by a medley of traditional hymns and folk songs on the handbells (wasn't the alto line beautifully sung, and the notes B and A expressively chimed? That was me, folks!)

Adjusts halo, unfolds wings, and flutters backstage, still humming 'O for the wings of a dove'...............
 

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Posted by Sigmund (# 3002) on :
 
My apologies to the organisers for being so late. I took a wrong turn, went out into the street and had to negotiate my way out of a police cell. I would like to put forward my genius, good looks, startling undergarments, my overwhelming need for world domination and my touching modesty forward for your consideration.

No? I've got double jointed thumbs....
 

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Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 
did someone say corrupted?

(lights dim waaaay down, fire shoots up on the stage in various places, red strobes flash around audience to the tune of alice cooper's "eighteen")

i enter wearing a 20 foot boa constrictor wrapped discreetly around my bod as i cartwheel to the lyrics ending with a colossal split on the last line:

"i'm eighteen and I LIKE IT!"

fire subsides, smoke clouds the air

(don't go away, i'm not done yet)

blue and white lights create a heavenly atmosphere as i rise from the ashes having been quickly sprayed with super glue and dusted with down feathers for my finale, roller blading to swan lake.

as i crumple in a heap, a member of my staff planted in the audience holds up a sign that reads on one side:

JOHN 3:16

on the other:

FREE FOOD AND DRINKS IN THE LOBBY
 

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Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
FREE FOOD AND DRINKS IN THE LOBBY forget that darling, I've already bribed 'em with COCKTAILS

Tubbs
 

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Posted by Blue (# 3067) on :
 
Blue sits in the audience wearing a badge: "Vote For Sale"
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
The lights dim as Contestant Number One reappears on the stage wearing a very beautiful claret red dress. It is made of silk and very plain and yet stunning - more appropriate tonight than her original backless, strapless, leaving-nothing-for-the-imagination dress that she wore for the first round.

The audience is silent as she prepares to play her violin... the orchestra begins the introduction.... She closes her eyes and as she draws her bow over the strings she wows the audience with the music 'Some Enchanted Evening'... it is as if she is making love to the music... the sounds from her violin is Heavenly and even the angels weep with emotion.... as the music comes to an end she stands for a moment, the audience is silent... a minute later a gasp from the audience and then deafening applause, she bows to the audience, and then to the judges.... She walks slowly off stage...
 

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Posted by Robert Miller (# 1459) on :
 
Contestant 3 appears - yes she is very talented - I will play Mozart's Horn Concerto on my Bari. Sax - the crowd goes wild. I then proceed to show off my juggling by throwing lots of balls around in the air and catching them. The audience are speechless. Then it's onto my unicycle and exit stage left.

All singing all dancing all woman me!
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Having seen some of the other contestants, Ariel has decided to go for the old family favourite, handed down from mother to daughter throughout the generations, of sawing a (male) volunteer from the audience into tiny bits, while simultaneously eating fire and performing astonishing card tricks. She then finishes with a graceful gesture that releases a flock of pigeons into the air that swoop and dive over the audience’s heads, depositing a shower of gold coins on them in a completely shameless attempt to buy their votes. Apart from inadvertently setting the front row of the audience on fire (which consumes the copy of Fishnet Weekly that the man in the grubby yellow raincoat is reading), and discovering that the (male) volunteer has a bit left over after reassembly, it all goes rather well.
 

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Posted by Blue (# 3067) on :
 
(astonished) Hey! What do I do with this?
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Darling, if you don't know what that bit does by now, you probably never will.
 

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Posted by Blue (# 3067) on :
 
OoooH! (blushes)
 

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Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
[contestant 10]

Where do I stand?.. oh, here, and is there a plug point near… I’ll just need to use the adapter so if you can just hang on a tic… there we go… ready to start.

Today I will be making a fresh mug of tea. Now, there’s been a lot of discussion in my family, and yours I’m sure, about whether teabags are acceptable when you have guests round, or whether it is important always to make a fresh pot with proper leaves. Of course, if the Queen was coming to tea, then I think we’d all be making up a pot and that would be the end of it. But that really doesn’t happen very often does it? (pause for polite laughter) so today I’ll be demonstrating tea making using tea bags since they’re just so convenient, I don’t know how we used to manage without them.

So, while I’ve been talking my mini travel kettle has been boiling… of course normally I’d use a normal kitchen kettle but sometimes you have to improvise and I find this does the job perfectly adequately, though you do have to wait a little bit longer as it’s not quite as powerful. Also while I’m waiting I’m taking the teabag out of the container (I’ve got Tetleys in here, but choose whatever brand you are happiest with, though I personally wouldn’t touch the supermarket brand teabags with a bargepole - if you’re tempted I think you need to ask yourself what are you saving the money for?) So, in with the tea-bag like that – can the camera see it there if I just tip the mug? I nestle it down at the bottom but not so packed in that the water can’t circulate.

The kettle has switched off automatically now it’s boiling… and this is the bit where you need to move with some speed… I’m taking the kettle – just be careful of the lead won’t you – and pouring the boiling water into the mug. You don’t need me to tell you that it’s essential that the water is absolutely boiling at this point. Then I’m just going to take a teaspoon and move the teabag round a bit – my friend from Lancashire, Mrs Packer, – though she now lives down the road - likes to ‘mush’ hers, but I think a gentle swirl usually does the trick. And then I’m going to take out the teabag… just put it on the side and I’ll take it home for the compost later.. and add the milk. Again, some people prefer to add the milk before the water, but I think when you are using teabags that the boiling water then mixes with the milk before it swooshes round the teabag and it’s not quite boiling anymore so I wouldn’t recommend it myself. And I do alter the amount of milk I put in depending on the strength of the tea so putting the milk in last works well on all counts I find.

So there we have it, a wonderful mug of tea, a nice cheerful shade of brown and the perfect pick-you-up. (shall I just walk off stage this way?) I shall enjoy in the dressing room. Cherio!
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: MRS. TUBBS

Dear Mrs. Tubbs,

Please accept our apologies over the confusion regarding your participation in Miss SoF 2002 Pageant. Although I regret to inform you that you do not have any Opening Number Points, you are welcome to be a candidate in the Talent Round Vote as Contestant #22. Please note that by particpating you agree that Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. is not to be held liable for any real or perceived emotional trauma or loss of income.

We at the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

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Posted by DaveC (# 155) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Clare:
I’ve got Tetleys in here

---

What? Not using fair-trade tea!
I'm surprised at you, Clare.
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
“Talent … talent …” contestant 94 peers worriedly around the curtain, hoping to spot the Trading Standards Officer asleep. Ah! It’s OK, that’s her – the lady caught up in the altercation between the gentleman with the terminally singed copy of “Fishnet Weekly” and the security guard with the fire extinguisher. And between the description of ‘gentleman’ to the sorry looking specimen in the decidedly grubby mac and that of ‘fire extinguisher’ to the stirrup-pump and bucket of water, she’s going to be a while.

So, which of her many talents (this word only to be used out of the hearing of the Trading Standards Officer) shall she attempt to dazzle the audience with. Now is probably not the time to show how wrong the whole of the fourth form were by singing and the audience is just a little too far away to benefit from the exhibition display of fivestones (with a pretty mean ‘no-bounce’ if I do say it myself). Computer programming is hardly a spectator event and there are few points for style in reading ‘The Lord of the Rings’ (silently) even with the interest generated by the film. Even when done in thirty minutes (knocking two days off the previous record).

Contestant 94 decides on a comic monologue and steps onto the stage dressed as a craftsman from the last century (or Compo Simmonite if you want to be picky). She gives a spirited rendition of Three Ha’pence a Foot with an accent you could cut with a spoon and one, moreover, which travels the length and breadth of the country, thus aliena … sorry, including everyone in the audience. Whilst waiting for the enthusiastic applause, contestant 94 considers an encore, but frantic signalling from her agent persuades her to take a bow and depart whilst the going’s good.

Obviously, with a contestant of the calibre of number 94, bribes would be a waste of good money; but changing into a shabby business suit with a discreet badge saying “Miss SoF 2002, Judge” she makes her way to the refreshment area confident of a good meal and extra pocket money.
 

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Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:

FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: MRS. TUBBS

Dear Mrs. Tubbs,

Please accept our apologies over the confusion regarding your participation in Miss SoF 2002 Pageant. Although I regret to inform you that you do not have any Opening Number Points, you are welcome to be a candidate in the Talent Round Vote as Contestant #22. Please note that by particpating you agree that Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. is not to be held liable for any real or perceived emotional trauma or loss of income.

We at the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.

---

Done deal

Tubbs
 

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Posted by splosh (# 2743) on :
 
Contestant number 5, walks on to the stage, in doc martin red boots, red and black tartan tights, a short black dress, and a white coat over the top. A pair of goggles are balanced on her head, and a pair of gloves in the coats pocket. She is pulling a small silver dewar on wheels behind her.

On the stage is a large mixing bowl, a wooden spoon and a carton of ice cream mix.

From the dewar, she pours some liquid nitrogen, which has the effect of sending smoke over the stage.

She then puts the goggles and gloves on, and starts to pour the liquid nitrogen into the bowl, followed by the ice cream mix, then stirs v. hard. Adds a little more liquid nitrogen, and in less than five minutes, has ice cream.

WHich she put into ice cream cones, with a flake, and handed out to the audience. It is amazing the talent of a physicist.

Smiles sweetly at the audience (praying that at least the other physicist will vote for her, otherwise, she might have to take the rocket he is carrying use it at this event )
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Contestant #9 comes back out wearing a stunning tux, but made for a woman. Her hair is swept up in a most chic glazed style...diamond earring drip from her ears. She walks out smiling nice pink plastic smile...teeth shinning and silence as the audience watches her walk over to the piano.

She sits down...flips the page and plays "Raindrop Prelude" by Chopin with such passion, such finesse....people are openly weaping. After she is done, she says looks at the camera and says "That was for you, Troy, thank you for just being you." [I do love making Troy fall apart stammering and blushing] She gets up and 3 roses are thrown in front of her, people start clapping...standing ovation...2 more roses thrown...she picks them up to give them to her mother.

As she walks off into the distance...a male voice wistfully says..."I wish I would have gotten her number when I had the chance..."
 

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Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
The talent round…

Rowen is in her element here…

Her act is as follows-

1.She turns up the ballroom heating to
37.c
2.She pumps moist air into the room.
3.She ensures that the tin roof is cleared of debris, and organises God to empty the heavens and begin a rain/thunder/hail storm.
4.She conducts a liturgically tasteful, yet liberal protestant service of worship, with both communion and baptism.
5.The power cuts out at a predetermined point, thus ensuring the sound system goes kaput, yet Rowen does not falter. Her voice is sure and strong, and can occasionally be heard over the storm.

Rowen thus proves to you all how Christianity spread to the tropical zones of the globe- well at least in Queensland.
At the conclusion of the mid-summer- possibly Christmas Service- Rowen’s hand is shaken by her support crew, who murmur endearingly “Do you think the drought is broken now, after 5 years?”

 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
<Smarmy Host>

Ladies and Gentlemen, due to extraordinary circumstances, we are allowing one more latecomer to participate in the Talent Round. Our next Contestant was the star of the Story Relay Thread, which was, through some tragic accident, cancelled just hours ago. Please welcome Contestant #23, Sheila the Hamster!

<The stage lights hit Sheila, who is langourously curled inside a martini glass, pretending to smoke from a tiny candy cigarette. Immersed in her role, she exudes an air of world-weary cynicism amazing in a domestic rodent. As a boom mike is lowered, she launches into, in a voice hinting at a history of too many cigarettes and whiskey, Stephen Sondheim's "The Ladies Who Lunch">


Here's to the ladies who lunch--
Everybody laugh.
Lounging in their caftans and planning a brunch,
On their own behalf...


If only for the sheer novelty, the audience is mesmerized. Enthusiastic applause greets the song's end.
 

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Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 

 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
The Mid seems to be stuck in a trance, as if he has been affected in some way by Dolphy's beautiful violin. Nothing seems real anymore, life seems a daze, the only thing real being the music...and the gorgeous creature that produced it.

*I would say now is the perfect time to make your move Dolphy *
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Aside) This contest is clearly rigged. They usually are, but I really can't believe one of the judges is actually entering as a singing hamster, and thinks we won't notice.

Should have asked for any hamster volunteers from the audience when it was my turn. Will remember this for next time ... or after the contest if that thing wins.
 

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Posted by candleinthedark (# 2361) on :
 
Candle in the Dark strolls onto the stage, now wearing a short kilt (the attractive colours of the "Gunn" tartan match her sparkling eyes) and an embroidered bodice. She is carrying a venerable and valuable violin and bow.

In the background a collection of able musicians set up, they are smartly dressed.

CitD tunes up and begins the first of several pieces, it is Vivaldi's "Summer" concerto, played faultlessly. "Anyone can play that!" is muttered from somewhere backstage, but it becomes evident that CitD is not finshed yet.

Pausing for the band to find their places she launches into a celtic slow air. The "Green Loch" is a beautiful, lilting tune, played with such perfection that the audience, especially the judges are held as if mesmorised.

As the "Green Loch" finishes the music changes seemlessly into a fast reel, and all are astounded at the fireworks that appear to reside in the violinist's fingers. As the band continue to play she puts her instrument down delicately and starts to dance: Think highland fling, think riverdance think ...
... well, let's just say that this contestant has shown herself adept at everything she turns herself to.

As the audience applauds, the contestant gestures at the band showing her appreciation of their role, and in doing so displaying humility to add to her numerous other virtues.
 

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Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Oh crap ... you're all far to good for me Okay, who do I need to slee... er ... do Bible Study with to win this thing

Tubbs
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Contestant 20's particular talent is being able to fart the national anthem.

Ready ....

[the contestant proceeds, resulting in the emptying of thefront rows.]

I can do "Scotland the brave" too, if you want? I'll just have to go an eat another tin of beans.
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Old ladies. Now in side aisles knitting:

Lady 1 [opening thermos flask]: Pet, would you like a cup of tea?
Lady 2: Ohhhhh love! There's not enough tea in the world!
Lady 1: Where did that hamster come from pet?
Lady 2: I dunno. But I think I know where it went love.
Lady 1: Where's that, pet?
Lady 2: Let's just say it crawled up somewhere and died. Love.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
The blue velvet drapes rise.

#17 is standing against a backdrop of a depicting the Wild West - a panorama of pairie, mesa, Rocky Mountains, bison, Apache, US cavalry, wagon trains, prospectors, saloons, corrals, cowboys, gunslingers, Commanche, Cheyenne, log cabins, the Alamo etc etc

However, all are thrown into utter insignificance by the figure at the front of the stage. Clad in a red satin dress, and wearing in the spectacular decolletage a single ruby. The effect is of a sunset reflecting in a lake lying between alps. More rubies hang from her ears, and encircle the arms, which are covered to above the elbow in black lace gloves.

The full lips open, and a deep but luscious voice sings

Frankie and Johnie were lovers
Gawd how they could love:
Swore they'd be true to each other
True as the stars above

As she sang, she shimmied slowly down the catwalk. Somewhere at the back of the hall, champagne bottles popped spontaneously. Seismometers, catching the tigerish vibrato, trembled and scribbled wildly on their graphs. Everywhere, thermostats fluctuated wildly.

This story has no moral
This story has no end:
This story only goes to show
There ain't no good in men

Chunks the size of Wales fell off the ice caps into a fizzing sea. Migrating birds flew round in circles.

He was her man, but he done her wrong

A small tsunami swallowed the Netherlands. Etna erupted. All of nature went for a lie down.
 

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Posted by zandolit (# 346) on :
 
Zandolit (contestant number 11) steps out onto the stage, looking somewhat puzzled and confused at being here again. She is wearing an outfit very similar to the one she wore during the first round, except instead of a damp orange tank top, she is wearing a damp yellow one, and tan cargo pants instead of olive green. She glances around the stage at the unfamiliar surroundings, put off by the bright lights and cameras. But then her eyes light upon some familiar objects placed on a table in the centre of the stage. Ah! Here is something she knows!

On the table are a small but sharp knife, some plastic grafting tape, clippers, parafilm, a little plastic baggie, a twist tie, some rubbing alcohol, a potted avocado seedling and last but not least, in a jar of water, a piece of avocado wood with swollen buds at just the right stage.

Brushing the hair from her face, and once again completely unaware that she is leaving smudges of dirt on her glistening cheeks, she sits down at the table, disinfects her tools, and ruthlessly clips the top off the avocado seedling, prompting gasps from the audience. Then her hands move quickly, making a cut here and a cut there, faster than the eye can see. When the flurry of activity is over, we can see that she has indeed grafted an avocado tree! Zandolit is clearly satisfied with her handiwork, and confident that this little tree will be producing delicious fruit if not this time next year, then the following year.
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Can I make my talent using a small Ford Ka to take out a Landrover and a French Mercedes lorry? Go on...

Ok then, I'll think of something else. Please may I have an extension, as I've got an awful lot to do, and the contest is closing tonight?

Viki
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: CONTESTANT #2 (SARKYCOW)


Dear Contestant #2,

We have received your request to extend the Talent Round of the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant. Especially as there are other contestants who have not yet performed, we will happily extend the Talent Round into July 27. We hope you can make an appearance by that date; the Talent Round will be closed on the end of that day or when all contestants have appeared, whichever comes first.

We Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. wish you luck in resolving your difficulties and continued success in the Pageant.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by Pheonix (# 2782) on :
 
Hmmmmm this all sounds a bit like miss congeniality.... *grins* All we need is the bomb plot to make it complete....
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
RE: TALENT ROUND

The following Contestants have not yet appeared in the Talent Round:

# 2 Sarkycow
# 8 Viola
#13 Cliona
#14 Fr. Buskin
#16 Zealous Convert
#19 Lola
#21 Rossweisse

If you are one of the above Contestants, please try to make an appearance before the end of July 27.

Thank you,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mrs Tubbs:
Oh crap ... you're all far to good for me Okay, who do I need to slee... er ... do Bible Study with to win this thing

Tubbs

---

Don't worry, I feel the same. We just add some spice to the whole thing.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
#21 hurries onto the stage, just a little short of breath.

Sorry, Belisarius -- I've been involved in a Major Family Crisis regarding getting my aged and infirm aunt into assisted living, whence she does not wish to go, and whence she is scheduled to move on Monday. (But I talked her into it, and now I'm sending the Spousal Unit 1,200 miles to oversee and soothe.)

This is the truth, and not just a ploy to gain sympathy points. But I'll take 'em if they're available.

Okay, yeah, talent.

Our contestant has exactly two talents, singing and writing. She begins by performing a medley of great music from opera (Rosina, Cherubino, Octavian) and the Anglican church music tradition (Vaughn Williams, Stanford, Howells). In exchange for a promise of a higher rating, she refrains from including any of Mary Baker Eddy's Greatest Hits in the songfest.

She then pens a funny, fair but scathing review of herself (lingering on certain breath control issues, apparently due to having to hurry on stage), spellchecks it, and gets it to the copy desk in record time.

Well, at least it's not baton twirling.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Contestant 20's particular talent is being able to fart the national anthem.

Ready ....

[the contestant proceeds, resulting in the emptying of thefront rows.]

I can do "Scotland the brave" too, if you want? I'll just have to go an eat another tin of beans.

---

Dang it, you be one sick puppy! Da nerve!
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
At least the SoF's answer to The Great Petomane didn't attempt to scorch a Tudor rose on the wall. We must be grateful for small mercies.
 

---

Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
Fr. Buskin, I think you must sing your signature tune, "O Happy Pyx". That will show them.
 

---

Posted by Sigmund (# 3002) on :
 
And the winner is....contestant no. 61!!!! (Huge applause) Oh, Thank you, thank you. Is that the Miss SoF crown - it's so pretty. Yes, I'll look after and the cup.. and the million dollars... and the house, car (wakes with a start).

I'm on! Ladies and Gentleman, contestant no. 61 (new Marks and Sparks underwear in position) Strides on stage to the sound of "Simply the Best".
 

---

Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 
(brief intermission as sheila strolls down the aisles among the audience selling apples from a basket, tucking bills between her furry cleavage while singing..."He gave me violets for my furs....")

(note to self...investigate marks and sparks underwear)
 

---

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Delivery boy: 'Ah 'scuse me. A man in a mac asked me to give you this'
Compere: 'Oh, hm. It looks to be a cassette with 'Fr Buskin' written on it. Let's play it shall we?

[Sensorama-surroundo-multivox-system comes alive to a fine refined English tenor voice:]

"O happy Pyx! O happy Pyx!
Where Jesus doth his dwelling fix;
O little Palace dear and bright,
Where He, who is the world's true light
Spends all the day, and stays all night.
Ah! if my heart could only be
A little home for Him, like thee,
Such fires my happy soul would move,
I could not help but die of love!"

[The music dies away and all that can be heard are moist emotional sniffs from the audience. A gentleman in a suit and tie walks up angrily and dumps a pail of manure on the stage.]

Compere: Well, the Sydney judge is clearly unimpressed with that effort.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Cleanup Crew is earning its money...

The Talent Round Voting Poll is now being set up. Unfortunately, Viola, Cliona, Zealous Convert, and Lola did not make an appearance for this round, and Sarkycow's talent will have to remain her vehicular mishap.
 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
I can't believe how talented the ladies on the ship are!!

We should go commercial with this next time.

Incidentalyl, just who does own the rights to this competition....maybe I can sell them??

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Sorry for the delay--had system problems last night]

Many thanks to all the contestants for participating so far. There was a tie for the 10th position, so I am allowing 11 Semi-Finalists.

THE SEMI-FINALISTS ARE, IN NUMERICAL ORDER:

#1 Dolphy
#2 Sarkycow
#4 Ariel
#5 Splosh
#7 Chorister
#10 Clare
#11 Zandolit
#14 Fr. Buskin
#15 Rowen
#20 Schroedinger's Cat
#94 Ann

CONGRATULATIONS!

 

---

Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
How lovely! I think I'll allow myself a toasted tea-cake to celebrate!
 

---

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
Keeping in theme, Rowen celebrates with grape juice and bread! Then she sings a little number to herself.... some hymn or other
 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
[Sorry for the delay--had system problems last night]

Many thanks to all the contestants for participating so far. There was a tie for the 10th position, so I am allowing 11 Semi-Finalists.

THE SEMI-FINALISTS ARE, IN NUMERICAL ORDER:

#1 Dolphy
#2 Sarkycow
#4 Ariel
#5 Splosh
#7 Chorister
#10 Clare
#11 Zandolit
#14 Fr. Buskin
#15 Rowen
#20 Schroedinger's Cat
#94 Ann

CONGRATULATIONS!

---

Shuffles off mournfully

Tubbs
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Joy! I made it to the semi's ! I think I'll go and open a bottle of champers and then go out and buy my cozzy!! ... (uuum, I wonder if the Mid would like to join me?!! )
 

---

Posted by splosh (# 2743) on :
 
Whey-hay semi-finals, this is the furtherest I have ever come in a beauty competion

Right back to soldering
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Contestant 20's particular talent is being able to fart the national anthem.

Ready ....

[the contestant proceeds, resulting in the emptying of thefront rows.]

I can do "Scotland the brave" too, if you want? I'll just have to go an eat another tin of beans.

---

Dang it, you be one sick puppy! Da nerve!

---

quote:

---

THE SEMI-FINALISTS ARE, IN NUMERICAL ORDER:

#1 Dolphy
#2 Sarkycow
#4 Ariel
#5 Splosh
#7 Chorister
#10 Clare
#11 Zandolit
#14 Fr. Buskin
#15 Rowen
#20 Schroedinger's Cat
#94 Ann

CONGRATULATIONS!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ariel:
(Aside) Thank God, someone else got rid of the singing hamster before I did.

---

It's ok Ariel, I'm using it as a paintstripping brush!!!!
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Hamster Curry !!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Hamster curry sounds good to me. The only problem is, what to do with the other contestants?

Have got to win this. It's cost me a small fortune in bribes already.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
<Sheila revealed aiming flame-thrower at more hostile Contestants>

I don't think so.

I'll just be going now...should have expected this...sheer Specism...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
It's now time for the

QUESTION/RESPONSE ROUND

Each Semi-Finalist must post a response to the question below by the end of July 30. The following is inspired by the movie "Brewster's Millions:"

You must spend 1,000,000 American dollars (or the equivalent) on yourself in less than a week and then have nothing to show for it other than memories, inexpensive souvenirs, and/or some physical wear and tear. How would you spend it?

Rules in Responding:
1)You cannot give the money away or donate it.
2)Other than perhaps helping a local economy, the money cannot directly benefit anyone else.
3)Permanent monuments to oneself not allowed.

Sample Response:
I would travel to both of the Earth's Poles; if any money was left, I would rent Space Mountain all to myself for one day.
 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
See Dolphy - you're through to the next round.

Like I said, trust me and the crown will be all yours...


 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Beer and curry. F'rall me mates.

I'd buy some cans of that steller stuff - reassuringly expensive - and rent out that nice curry house down the road form us. And open it up to anyone who wanted to come along.

I think we would make it through the million in a week. And we would have memories ( of the first few hours at least ), we may have some souvenirs, but we can gloss over that.

And definately some serious wear and tear.

If there were anyfin left over, then we could go dow that covent garden place, and see some opera. Bloomin expensive them tickets are.

If that didn't manage it, I would probably just fritter the rest away.
 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
Where's that button?

*sound of water bubbling*

There it is.

The spa is ready Dolphy if you want to slip in. I've got the glasses if you've got the champers...
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
(help! I'm not very good at spending vast amounts of money....... )

but, I'm always willing to give it a try(especially if it's not mine!)

I would hire a private jet to travel to Australia on the first night. I would throw a welcome party for myself, to which any SoF shipmates (and apprentices) in the area would be invited, all food and drink provided, no presents or flowers please. I would then fly to the United States and throw a second 'Welcome to Chorister party' with USA guests, the next night a trip to Canada, celebrate in a ditto-ish way, fly over to Europe and have a party in Germany, await invitations to any other countries where there are shipmates I have missed, then on the final day fly my private jet back to the UK, landing the jet in Wales, Scotland and Ireland to pick up any shipmates to bring them to England for one last mega-huge 'Welcome Home Chorister' party , best champagne only and food from Fortnum and Mason. Come and join the fun, party only stops when all the money runs out!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Mid:
Incidentally, just who does own the rights to this competition....maybe I can sell them??

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
Any individual claiming influence in the selection processes of the Miss SoF Pageant who is not a Board Member of Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. can be prosecuted to the full extant of the law but more likely mercilessly ridiculed.

---

Tell you what, with the things I've been getting it will be well worth it.

Ladies, I advise you to all ignore that last post there, I can assure you that I can produce the goods when the time vomes, stick with me, ignore those director type people.

Honestly. You try to help a few people out and you get no thanks. What is the world coming to?

Incidentally, I would have shared the money...
 

---

Posted by splosh (# 2743) on :
 
Hmmm, lets see, I would hire a camper van, and travel around the world, trying to see how many shipmates I can meet up with during the duration.

With each shipmate, I would have to have photo taken of them, at the most famous landmark in their area, and also sample the local regions food and drink with them at the local resturant.

I think that this would be a wonderful trip, and certainty exciting.

(otherwise the money would be spent on liquid helium so i could finish my experiment and PhD )
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Mid:
The spa is ready Dolphy if you want to slip in. I've got the glasses if you've got the champers...

---

Sounds good to me Mid! My back is very sore after all this paint stripping I have been doing today.... Champers is chilled so I'll be right over!!!! (Thinks... what shall my reply be to the next round question?!!! ) Shall I bring the smoked salmon nibbles too dearest Mid?
 

---

Posted by Blue (# 3067) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
Any individual claiming influence ... blah de blah de blah ... can be prosecuted to the full extant of the law but more likely mercilessly ridiculed.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dolphy:
Sounds good to me Mid! My back is very sore after all this paint stripping I have been doing today.... Champers is chilled so I'll be right over!!!! (Thinks... what shall my reply be to the next round question?!!! ) Shall I bring the smoked salmon nibbles too dearest Mid?

---

You certainly shall - that would be lovely!

You poor thing with a sore back, lucky I did that swedish massage course awhile back. You come sit down here in front of me, close your eyes, relax, your back will feel wonderful in no time
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Well, after not much thought at all... I have decided what I will do with all the money! The reason I say not much thought at all is because it would make my No 1 dream come true... I would fly to Florida (taking my other half too as a surprise - since that's not giving the money away) and swim with Dolphins; not in a swimming pool but in the deep blue sea where the Dolphins belong. I would buy a video camera in order to tape the event, and then spend the evening dining on wonderful food, good wine; preferably at a beachside resturant, and send all my friends on the Ship a postcard to say 'Hi'.
 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
[TANGENT]

Once this round is over I think I might start a thread with this question, I think it would be a really interesting question for people to answer.

I think I should probably clear this with the Miss Ship-of-Fools Management first...

[/TANGENT]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: THE MID
RE: QUESTION/RESPONSE ROUND

Thank you for your tangent. We at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. are happy to grant permission to establish the Official Question of the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant as a separate thread once the Question/Response Round has completed.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by blackbird (# 1387) on :
 
free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty...(just joshing)

well, what to do with swimming contest outfit (#18 eyes the tankini woven from the song of a nightingale during a full solar eclipse, and the aquamarine feathers of hummingbirds raised in remote himilayan apple orchards, secured by 12 buttons chipped from the pillar that was lot's wife.

and then the veil of virgin butter muslin bespangled with phosporus of fireflies depicting embroidered scenes from the Rodent Relay Adventures thread and the odd biblical incident involving a sensible woman. this to be worn while straddling a bull elephant draped with cloth of gold, studded with tiny bells, mirrors, rubies, saphires, pearls, and pistachios, attended by 6 bindied maidens, and antonio banderas.

of course lead on stage by a mournful blind scotsman singing fhir a' bhata.

ah well, something will come up.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 

quote:

---

You must spend 1,000,000 American dollars (or the equivalent) on yourself in less than a week and then have nothing to show for it other than memories, inexpensive souvenirs, and/or some physical wear and tear.

---

quote:

---

2)Other than perhaps helping a local economy, the money cannot directly benefit anyone else.

---

Good, that gets me out of having to be nice to anyone. If the prize money isn't increased, I shall go to a casino in the south of France, where I will drink lots of champagne, flirt outrageously with the croupier, who will turn out to be gay, be leered at by a fat, balding 38 year old ex-Third Division footballer, and lose a fortune gambling. I will then burst into tears, throw a fit of complete fury, and spend the night sobbing wildly in a French police cell, only to be bailed out by the 38 year old footballer the next morning.

If anyone would like to try converting me while I am in this deeply remorseful and penitent mood, you only have to vote for me to set the whole thing in motion.
 

---

Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
[Contestant number 10]

I’m not sure what $1,000,000 is in pounds sterling.. my husbands always the one that does the calculations in our family! But I’m assuming that it’s quite a bit of money, so I shall obviously have to treat myself a little! I’ll take a guess that it’s about one thousand pounds, which is certainly a lot more than my usual shopping budget!

First I think I shall treat myself to spending the whole week shopping in Marks and Spencers rather than the local Tescos. It’s is more pricey, but I think the quality of the cakes is better, and there are some more unusual items. There’s some rather interesting musili I saw in there recently, full of berries! So I could have that instead of my usual branflakes. And, I shall buy some things that will be fun to replace, but you don’t usually do so because they never wear out, so to speak. Though buying a new biscuit tin, a new draining rack, a new bathroom mat and laundry basket seems a little extravagant, because really the ones I have surfice perfectly well, it will be nice to have ones that aren’t quite so dog-eared.

I think I’ve got some of my budget left for a little bit of travelling. One thing that I’ve been meaning to do for a long time is to follow up some of the leads I’ve found while researching our family history. I’ve discovered that a lot of the family came originally from Norfolk, and it would be so interesting to go and look at some of the churches where they were christened and married, go through the parish records. We might even find a gravestone or two.. that would be jolly! And given that we’ve got all this money to spend I think we could stay in some proper hotels. In some ways I prefer a cosy B&B, because you do meet some nice people running them and it just seems more friendly… but just for a change a hotel or two would be quite an adventure for us! I might even have to buy a new dress for the evenings… you’ll think I’m funny but that’s one of the reasons I normally don’t like staying in hotels, because there’s these awful expectations about what you wear, so a new dress really would come in handy. And, while we’re in East Anglia, we could pop in and see Aunty Mabel in Cambridge. She does like to catch up on all the family news, and I’ve got the photos of Richard’s graduation to show her.

Now, I suspect that that’s all I’ve got to spend, but I’ve just remembered that I read a report in WHICH magazine for a very clever new type of iron that’s been developed. I think it’s about £85, so if I’ve got that amount left over, and can pop it in the shopping basket too that would make ironing all the more easier! Well, anything would be easier than the travel iron I’m having to use while I’m here (though luckily I mainly packed crinkle-free clothes, and I think my swimming costume will be alright)!
 

---

Posted by zandolit (# 346) on :
 
Zandolit is not quite sure what she would do with such a sum. But a dream of hers has been to spend time at Norm's Place (note - this is not Zandolit's website - just the only decent one she could find for Norm's Place). So perhaps she would fly in as many of her closest friends as would fit (which, considering the size of the place would probably be about 10) and perhaps a judge or two, rent SUVs for them all (that could eat up most of her money considering how expensive the rentals will be), hire the cook from the Roi Christophe Hotel in Cap Haitian and have him prepare pepper steak every night, inviting everybody in the village of Labadie to participate. That's a lot of pepper steak! Perhaps a large sailboat could be chartered for the week as well so day sails into the Caribbean could be a possibility. Zandolit is not sure whether this would involve directly benefiting other people - she herself would certainly have a lot of fun.
 

---

Posted by Sigmund (# 3002) on :
 
(Staggers in through side door and on to stage clutching a litre bottle of cheap hooch) I I I couldvee been great...I was the best. Audiences..hah! what dthry kneeew???? I is not nnnoot drunk! Take your hands off me! (final exit, escorted by bouncers, weeping)
 

---

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
In 30 days time I am going overseas (note travel diary link in my sig). I am going in an economical way... however if I had that much money, I would sopend it on the trip, and be gloriously selfish happy.
Furthermore, I would take Cloin Firth with me (think Mr. Darcy, if you need a reminder as to who he is...)
In order to tie this in with my theologically correct reponses in other rounds, I am happy to say that God has revealed unto me that this would be ok in every respect- a small, humble reward for my labours.

 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
Ok all you punters out there.

The field is smaller, the stakes are higher, the pressure is mounting. Anyone wanting to make a wager on first place, runner up, or anything else, come and see me. I can offer some very attractive odds!!
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Contestant 94 looks at all that cash and thinks about how she could spend it. It seems too much hard work to be that hedonistic so she decides to do a runner with the dosh and put it to good use, even if that means being disqualified.

She decides to invest it in a Fair-Trade farm in the third world, complete with school and hospital, preferably in a country which discourages extradition.

Unfortunately an over-scrupulousness with the blindfold, a pin and a map of Africa means that by the end of the week she’s complied with the terms of the competition having only memories and a worthless souvenir of the Title Deeds to a farm in Zimbabwe – and it’s done nobody any good at all.
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
(Contestant #2 thinks long and hard about just scarpering with the cash, which is all she was really interested in, but decides to continue with the competition )

Lemme see. $1,000,000 is roughly £66,666, hmmm..

I would start my week with a parachute jump, because I've always wanted to fly through the air like that. It would be so exciting (simper, giggle). And I would persuade the Red Devils* to take me flying with them; although it would cost a lot, they're so dishy, and it would be a scream

[<pout> I wanted to donate lots of it to cute little furry animals, but your rules won't let me. And I can't buy a sanctuary for them, because I mustn't own anything. <stamps foot petulantly> It's not fair.]

With the rest of the money, I'd take myself and all my friends to Florida for the week, where I'd hire DisneyLand just for us. We could go on Space Mountain as many times as we wanted! Fantastic!

*The Red Devils are a formation flying team based in Britain.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
RE: QUESTION/RESPONSE ROUND

The Question/Response Round will be closing in a few hours. The following Contestant is requested to make an appearance:

#14 Fr. Buskin

To review, voters will be allowed give points to two (2) Contestants after the Question/Response Round has concluded. These scores will be added to the Contestants' Totals and the five (5) highest scorers will go on to be Finalists in the Swimsuit Round. Should there be a tie for the Fifth Position, the Contestant with the lower Talent Score (as that was weighted) will be given precedence (in the unlikely event of a need for further tiebreaker, the higher Question/Response score will be used).

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Mid:
I can offer some very attractive odds!!

---

Pray tell Sir Mid, what are these odds?!!
(I have more champers and smoked salmon in my cabin.... interested?!!! )
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
RE: PAGEANT MAINTENANCE

Due to unexpected workloads falling under the responsibility of our Cleanup Crew, we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. regret having to now restrict food and drink from properties associated with the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant. For your convenience, alternate dining arrangements can be found on nearby threads.

Also, to help decrease the workload of our Security Staff brought on by the unexpected popularity of the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant, off-hour visits by Non-Contestants on properties associated with the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant must be approved by a Board Member of Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. Of course, we at Ship-of-Fools, Inc. do not put any restrictions on socializing off of properties associated with the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant.

Thank you very much for your cooperation.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
You're all out to get me, I know it!!


 

---

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Fr. Buskin appears in full abito piano.

My dears, no lengthy deliberations are required to decide on how to spend the $1,000,000 as I fantasise about this on a daily basis.

I will buy all known stocks of Rosa Mystica incense in the world - enough to fill the entire Holy Trinity, Brompton Church. Then I will say the prayer for the blessing of the incense and my boat boy will set it alight. Optionally, we will process around the church perimeter 7 times.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
While the voting for Finalists is in progress, our Semi-Finalists may take the time to enact their various private procedures and strategems for fitting into their swimwear.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 

quote:

---

Due to unexpected workloads falling under the responsibility of our Cleanup Crew, we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. regret having to now restrict food and drink from properties associated with the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant.

---

quote:

---

Also, to help decrease the workload of our Security Staff brought on by the unexpected popularity of the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant, off-hour visits by Non-Contestants on properties associated with the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant must be approved by a Board Member of Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.

---

Yeah, right. The reason the security staff are so overworked is because they're busy "helping out" ex-contestant no. 17, among others, which is why they're never available for anyone else, and look exhausted in the mornings. Hire some more. The first lot need a break.
 

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Posted by splosh (# 2743) on :
 
hmmm swimwear, hmmmm.

I think that duck-tape maybe at the ready for this part
 

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Posted by Robert Miller (# 1459) on :
 
Oh bugger!

I come back and log onto the ship and find I've not even qualified for the semi final



Woe is me for I am undone - oh oops I'd better put those away!
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Not sure that I am going to be able to fit into my skimpy swimsuit after all... maybe I shall just have to go without!!! ... maybe there's a web site that will get one here soonest... better option than trailing round the shops in this rain me thinks!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Many thanks to our Semi-Finalists' creativity and energy.

The votes have been counted...the Finalists are:


#1 Dolphy
#4 Ariel
#10 Clare
#11 Zandolit
#14 Fr. Buskin

CONGRATULATIONS!

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
It's now time for the

SWIMSUIT ROUND


Our Finalists must promenade in swimwear of their own choices and/or designs and conclude with favorite quotes, which can be either corny or intimidatingly learned.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
You mean you don't want to see me in the figure hugging wetsuit I have just purchased from the Fat Willy's Surf Shack in Newquay, Cornwall, specially created to my own design of 'I saw three ships come sailing in' (complete with pictures, words and music - 4part harmony, of course)?????

Probably very wise............
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
It's very sad, that I won't have to parade in my specially chosen swimsuit.

Maybe we will have to have another swimsuit thread, so that our purchases will not go to waste.
 

---

Posted by Pheonix (# 2782) on :
 
In lieu of participants being able to post photos up here I reckon they should draw and post ascii art depicting them in the swimwear
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Some bastard has stolen my costume! Who the hell stole my bloody diving suit? As one-piece girly swimsuits are seriously sexist, I had every intention of appearing in a splendidly ill-fitting, borrowed, baggy diving suit complete with helmet and flippers. Now I can't. Now all I have left is a white lacy satin bikini with just the usual pearl earrings, necklace and a strand of pearls twined artistically in my hair, and what a wally I will look. You will just have to imagine me clad in a rubber suit with clamps and seals on. No doubt some of you will find that a lot easier than others.

You want my favourite quote? The first one is unprintable, but I can still give you:

"Don't have a cow, man".

Which is very sensible advice for anyone living in a top floor flat.

Thank you, and good night.
 

---

Posted by zandolit (# 346) on :
 
I am afraid that Zandolit fell into some confusion during this round. The whole idea of parading around in a swimsuit without actually doing any swimming did not seem to make sense to her. So, she assumed that the whole thing was a big mistake, and she took off for the beach with some friends to spent the day playing in the water and the sand. She apologises for missing the event.

"'Children,' I say plainly, 'watch out for the baobabs!'" The Little Prince
 

---

Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
Goodness, the final already! How time flies! I was very self-controlled and didn’t have a tea-cake to celebrate the last results… it’s called watching your figure! Not only that, but I’ve shaved my legs in honour of the occasion. Such a bore, I must admit I never bother in the winter months. Don’t look too closely at the place where I nicked myself and have pressed on a little bit of tissue paper. But I think all the judges are sitting far enough away.

Unfortunately you just don’t get swimming costumes that hide varicose veins do you, a slight prejudice against the more mature woman I find, but I’ve chosen a nice bright swimming cossie so hopefully they won’t notice. I’ve chosen a two piece bikini because I think they’re more womanly, I do find that the one piece cossies do squash the bosom rather. The top has some sturdy cups sewn in, which just helps everything stay in place… important if you’re bouncing around in the waves! On that note, I’d also recommend one, like this, which has good thick shoulder straps… some of the string ties are, in my opinion, a little bit of a liability, if you know what I mean! (pause for polite laughter) The bottoms are, well, generous, which I think is only wise when you’re the traditional British pear shape like me. Not that there’s anything wrong with the shape of pears, it’s just that it’s important not to draw attention to a rather ample bottom!

As I mentioned, I do like cheerful cossies… going swimming is supposed to be fun isn’t it! So this one has a bright floral pattern with large orange and yellow sunflowers on a bottle green background. I think it stands out nicely, which again is useful if the beach is a little crowed. I’ve got with me my beach robe.. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s really difficult to find these for sale these days, they must have gone out of fashion, but I do treasure mine since it is so practical just to tie it round your neck and change underneath it without having to worry about not being decent. This one is a jolly red, green and blue stripes, and I’m hope you won’t notice that the towelling is slightly worn, which is understandable since I’ve had it since the fifties. I’ve also got my swimming hat on, I tried to find one with rubber flowers on it but sadly, there seem to be none for sale this year so I’ve gone for the slightly wrinkled version in the plain white. At least it doesn’t have any ridiculous logos on it.

Now you need a quote from me don’t you, and I’ve had a little think about this and, since I heard that there were a number of church-goers among the judges I thought I would give you a verse from one of my favourite hymns from Sunday School.

Daisies are our silver,
Buttercups our gold:
This is all the treasure
We can have or hold.

I do think it’s very important that we look at the beautiful world around us and do our best to protect it, even if that is as simple as washing out yoghurt pots so you can use them again, for example for storing paper clips, or making sure that you put some bird seed out when it’s the middle of winter.

And, oh yes, just before I go, thank you very much for having me. It’s been lovely.
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
A gentle drum roll, the lights dim... the dry ice machine covers the stage in smoke, the orchestra once more begins to play a rather slow and seductive number especially composed for the event by Messers G String and Lust. As the dry ice begins to clear, the spot light (with hints of blue) pans in on me. I stand centre stage wearing nothing except for three white satin leaves, strategically placed. (my internet ordered cozy didn't arrive from beachwareforthesexy.com in time for the finals so I had to improvise )

I once more take the microphone in my hands, and in a rather husky, sexy voice say:
Ladies and Gentlemen, and random others of the Ship, thank you for voting for me. I never imagined I would get to the finals and I am overjoyed to be here. And as you need a quote from me, I shall say this to you all...
If your love was a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: CONTESTANT #20 (SCHROEDINGER'S CAT)
RE: SWIMSUIT ROUND

Thank you for your suggestion of expanding the Swimsuit Round to a separate thread. Such an action would coordinate well with the planned Question/Response thread; we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. are happy to grant permission to create such a thread when the Swimsuit Round has completed.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
RE: CONTESTANT NUMBERS

We at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. publicly state that the sequence of the Finalists' Contestant Numbers (1,4,10,11, and 14) is purely coincidental. No inferences or calculations of an encryptical or numerological nature should be attempted now or in the future.

This statement will be reproduced if required.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
cc: Urban Myths Board
 

---

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Fr. Buskin's agent reports that he is engaging in spiritual warfare against Satan's strongholds of lust which will seek to establish themselves when he appears in his swimming attire. What is the latest time that he may make an appearance? Every moment of prayer is a blow for purity.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Aside) Yes, I thought as much, somebody else is also wearing white satin. I wouldn't be surprised if back in her dressing room, she also has a diving suit with sequins, hearts, feathers, and twee flowers with smiling faces on as well. I really do wonder sometimes about the meaning of life.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FOR GENERAL DISTRIBUTION
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
RE: SWIMSUIT ROUND

To help accomodate Contestant #14 (Fr. Buskin), we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. are extending the deadline for his appearance to August 3 (although an earlier appearance would be appreciated if possible).

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.

[ 06 August 2002, 14:29: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ariel:
(Aside) Yes, I thought as much, somebody else is also wearing white satin. I wouldn't be surprised if back in her dressing room, she also has a diving suit with sequins, hearts, feathers, and twee flowers with smiling faces on as well. I really do wonder sometimes about the meaning of life.

---

As if I would wear anything with sequins, hearts,feathers and twee flowers let alone smilie faces!!! If you, dear Ariel, want to know the meaning of life, I have a book I can lend you And as for a diving suit? - baby, I go skinny dipping!!!
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 

quote:

---

If you, dear Ariel, want to know the meaning of life, I have a book I can lend you And as for a diving suit? - baby, I go skinny dipping!!!

---

I know more than enough about life than I want to as it is already, thanks. If you need a book to help you figure it out, good luck to you. As for the skinny dipping - glad I missed it. I happen to know what else people do in the water, which is why a diving suit comes in handy.

I am now going to sit quietly in the wings eating the last of my much-travelled Marmite sandwiches, and waiting for Fr Buskin to appear. Will he, won't he? What colour will he wear? Oh, the excitement of anticipation. The endless fantasies one can weave. Until shattered by reality.

(Still haven't found out who stole my blasted costume. Or why.)
 

---

Posted by Inanna (# 538) on :
 
And as the tension mounts and we await the final contestant...

... the peaceful atmosphere is shattered as a group of protesters come crashing through the back of the hall and charge their way onto the stage.

Ah yes. The representatives of SPEW (Ship's Pageant Exploits Women!) are instantly recognisable by their doc marten boots, multiple facial piercings and shaved heads. (and the SPEW! T-shirts are a bit of a give away too.)

As two of them unfurl a large banner reading "WE OBJECT THIS OBJECTIFICATION", another throws large SPEW cover-ups over the swimsuit-clad contestants. The rest of them start pelting the judges with eggs, flour bombs and the like.

Mwahahahaha
 

---

Posted by zandolit (# 346) on :
 
Zandolit is now very glad she missed the swimsuit competition and went to the beach instead.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: CONTESTANT #23 (SHEILA THE HAMSTER)
RE: S.P.E.W. PROTESTERS

May we borrow your flamethrower?

Thank you,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.

[ 01 August 2002, 19:17: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
From Contestant #2

Dear Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.

I am not one to be picky; indeed I am generally charming and sunshine smiley However, there appears to have been some cheating going on, and I want the contestant concerned disqualified.

You may remember from the last round, your instructions were:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Bel:
You must spend 1,000,000 American dollars (or the equivalent) on yourself in less than a week and then have nothing to show for it other than memories, inexpensive souvenirs, and/or some physical wear and tear. How would you spend it?

---

quote:

---

clare:
First I think I shall treat myself to spending the whole week shopping in Marks and Spencers rather than the local Tescos. It’s is more pricey, but I think the quality of the cakes is better, and there are some more unusual items. There’s some rather interesting musili I saw in there recently, full of berries! So I could have that instead of my usual branflakes. And, I shall buy some things that will be fun to replace, but you don’t usually do so because they never wear out, so to speak. Though buying a new biscuit tin, a new draining rack, a new bathroom mat and laundry basket seems a little extravagant, because really the ones I have surfice perfectly well, it will be nice to have ones that aren’t quite so dog-eared.

---

She has clearly stated that she would have more than inexpensive souvenirs to show for all the money she spent. That's not allowed. And it's not fair <stamps foot petulantly>. She cheated. She shouldn't be allowed to get through to the finals.

And if you let her carry on, then my daddy will have something to say, and he's a director in the City. He'll shut you down. Or something.

So please don't let cheats prosper

Love and kisses,

Me
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: CONTESTANT #2 (SARKYCOW)
RE: QUESTION/RESPONSE ROUND

Thank you for your inquiry; we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. always try within reason to accomodate the wants and needs of our Contestants.

After consideration, we find that the Response of Contestant #10 (Clare) did not significantly violate the conditions of the Round by its detail, and certainly did not violate these conditions in spirit. The net worth, standard of living, and recognition level of this contestant (dear simple soul she is) would remain unchanged. If there are errors of reasoning in her response, we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. have the confidence in our voters to take these errors into consideration--you must expect an organization that allows one-sixth of a Beauty Pageant's Contestants to be male, after all, to allow a certain degree of latitude.

Also, please remember that no Contestant actually received any money (we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. may be confident, but we ain't stupid); the spending was purely hypothetical. No cheating in the traditional sense could occur.

If it will be of any further assistance to you, we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. will gladly give you, after the end of this Pageant and in accordance with the Freedom Of Information Act of 1966, the IP Addresses associated with the votes for Contestant #10, with which you may do as you please.

We hope the situation for you has been clarified. We congratulate you on your qualifying for the Semi-Finals; you should still be proud, because not everyone can be a winner.


Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by jlg (# 98) on :
 
I find it very odd that the SPEW faction showed up right after contestant #14 was given a time extension (thereby allowing said contestant to not be present when the protest took place).

Perhaps the pageant organizers should look into this?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
FROM: MISS SHIP-OF-FOOLS, INC.
TO: JLG
RE: S.P.E.W PROTESTERS

Thank you for your inquiry; we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. appreciate your concern.

From the information we were able to obtain from surviving SPEW members, we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. have come to the conclusion that SPEW took independent advantage of an unexpected opportunity created by Fr. Buskin's delay.

If the cause for Fr. Buskin's delay is not of a particularly urgent nature, we at Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc. can only hope that this Pageant's temporary disruption will seriously affect his conscience; no other action against him, even if his behavior is proven negligent, can be taken.

We hope you enjoy the rest of the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant.

Sincerely,
Belisarius, 2002 Chair, Board of Directors
Miss Ship-of-Fools, Inc.
 

---

Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
I think I see Fr Buskin in the distance, down there emerging from that pink and blue cabana. At first glance it looks like he's wearing a cross between a sleveless mini cassalb and a lacy cotta -- truly modest yet strangely alluring in a somewhat disturbing way. Is this what the cosmopolitan priest wears to the beach these days, or is this some figment of Fr Buskin's twisted sense of humor? Let's withhold our scores until the picture is clearer.
 

---

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Ah no. Now closer we see the mini-cassalb cotta wearer is actually the flower boy who is sprinkling rose petals in front of Fr. Buskin's path. Earls in morning coats appear to be carrying a canopy of some sort to shade him.

And now, he stops in the middle of the stage. There are gasps from the crowd as he begins to pull off his black pullover and clerical shirt. His black leather-it-appears trousers are sitting low on his hips revealing the band of a pair of designer jocks with the word 'Monstrance' on them.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen",

intones Fr. Buskin
"And also with you", replies the crowd.

"As the Virgin Queen saith: 'All may; None must; Some should.'"
"Thankyou"

With that, he throws his cuffs and collar into the audience.

[a scroll lock horror story]

[ 02 August 2002, 09:51: Message edited by: clare ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
<Smarmy Host>

Thank you, Contestant #14.

We will be setting up the Voting Poll within the next few hours. Besides giving a point to his choice for Winner, each voter will have an extra treat--being able to give a point to his choice for the Miss Congeniality Award from among the 13 Contestants who were unable to participate in the Semi-Finals. Good luck to everyone!

[typo]

[ 02 August 2002, 16:45: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Dear Bel (may I call you that please? )

The IP addresses would be wonderful. I know someone who's very very clever, and can understand computers. I'm sure he'll think of something to do with them

Love and kisses

Me
 

---

Posted by Pheonix (# 2782) on :
 
Sarkycow, I trust you'll give us chance to say goodbye before those IP's are used to nuke someone to oblivion and back

[UBB Code edited]

[ 02 August 2002, 20:08: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
<Smarmy Host>

The Final Votes have been counted.

After each announcement, the Contestant announced will be allowed to make a statement to the media before the next announcement. Nothing like adding a little to the dramatic tension, folks.

So...

<DRUMROLL>

The winner of the Miss Congeniality Award, with 6 points is...

CONTESTANT #22, MRS. TUBBS!!


 

---

Posted by Blue Suede Shoes (# 3067) on :
 
<enthusiastic applause>
 

---

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Old Ladies, back in front row, knitting]
Lady 1: And do you know how many Bible studies she had to do for that, love?
Lady 2: Go on. How many, pet?
Lady 1: King James died with a smile on his face, is all I'll say, love.
 

---

Posted by Cosmo (# 117) on :
 
Fr Buskin would like to apologise for his appalling tardiness but that lovely little off-the-shoulder chasuble-swimsuit just couldn't be hurried from Monsieur Jules. Sand may be found in the lining of the orphreys but that just adds to its effect.

He recognises that he has come all too late for this most exciting of contests but he has been battling, as has been stated above, in contest with the Prince of all Contests who is quite unable to keep proper time.

Good Fr Buskin comes to the front of the sanctuary, er..stage, and makes a propfound bow for al the Sarumites out there, before turning and making a double genuflection to the Exposed Sacrament (and showing off a fine piece of lace alb cunningly woven into the suit by Jules) before retreating off stage in order to say his first mass of the Day.

Fr Buskin would like to thank all those who voted for him and hopes that his suit, like Fr d'Ascoyne Gascoyne's west window, 'combines all the exurberance of Chauncer with none of the concomitant crudities'.

Thus speaks his agent and chaplain,

Fr Cosmo
 

---

Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
Has anyone PM'd Miss COngeniality to let her know she has to respond?

Come on, come on.

I want to know who won!!!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Mrs. Tubbs was PM'd some time ago. She will be allowed a couple of more hours to make a statement before the Pageant moves on.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Well, it looks like Mrs. Tubbs is still delayed. Perhaps we can backtrack later but for now...


Our Fourth Runner-Up, with a total of 36 points, is...

CONTESTANT #11, ZANDOLIT!!

 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Mrs Tubbs wanders on stage in a fur bikini a la Rachel Welsh in “100 Million Years BC” looking somewhat confused (but very pretty in a scruffy retro kind of way) as she never normally wins anything. And she is late. (“No change there”, her hubby cries). She has even bought the World’s Cutest and Fluffest Cat ™ with her and all the audience goes “Ahhhh” as Pollypud sits in the middle of the stage and gives herself a good wash.

She walks gracefully over to the Compare, gives him a peck on the cheek as she receives her prize. (And makes no comment about the fact that the gold plate is already flaking and the rest of the awards appear to have been sent off to be “pawnished” and replaced with cheap plastic fakes ). She then trips over her own feet and, in attempt to avoid crushing the cat, ends up head first in the orchestra pit with her better-than-Kyle’s butt in the air as the camera zooms in for a close up. The cat walks rubs herself against the Compare’s leg and then leaves the stage in search of Whiskers.

Tubbs

PS Thank you for my prize.

PPS Coot, that’s soooo not true.
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Mrs Tubbs, my most sincere congratulations to you!

(How long is this going to go on?... the suspense is killing me! )
 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dolphy:
Mrs Tubbs, my most sincere congratulations to you!

(How long is this going to go on?... the suspense is killing me! )

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dolphy:
Tubbs,
I would be delighted to sample some of your choccy cake!!! Thank you so much, I shall make us some tea to go with it.

---

No, please allow me

Tubbs
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
No, No, No... I insist! It will kill the hours until the results are through...

This cake is rather good!!! I am most impressed Madame Tubbs of Pageant fame!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Well, Zandolit is welcome to make a statement when she picks up her charming commemorative virtual statuette, but the Pageant must go on.


The Third Runner-Up, with a total of 40 points, is...

CONTESTANT #14, FR. BUSKIN!!

 

---

Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
May I join you? I must admit after all that champagne that seemed to have been thrown around like there was no tomorrow, not that i had more than a small glass I can assure you, it goes straight to my head! - it's very nice to meet up with some others for a lovely cup of tea. And cake too! The simple things in life keep you going don't they! especially during all this waiting around... just like the dentist!
 

---

Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Certainly Clare, consider a cuppa on its way! I suggest you try one of Tubbs choccy cakes... they are really good!

Congratulations Fr. Buskin.
 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Cup cake Father? Or would they diminish the taste of the gin?

Tubbs
 

---

Posted by zandolit (# 346) on :
 
Contestant #11, Zandolit, finally shows up, not having understood fully that there was a beauty pageant going on and that she was the fourth runner up. She also got lost coming here on her way back from the beach, contributing to her tardiness.

She accepts the trophy handed to her. Puzzled, she looks at it and says uncertainly into the microphone thrust into her face: "Um, gee, thanks. What's this for? What? Oh - a beauty pageant? Really? Gosh. Hmmm. Well, this will make a... err... interesting... What is it exactly? Oh? A trophy? Well, never had one of those before. Gee... um... thanks"

Later that night, after getting home, she noticed that her tire was flat - the trophy made an excellent and sturdy car jack. Upon entering her house, she decided to finally hang that mirror she purchased, and the trophy came in handy to pound in the nail. It made a much better replacement for the broken table leg than what she was already using. Sadly, however, the dog thought the trophy was quite an intriguing object - it was subsequently dragged outside, peed on and buried. Interestingly enough, this treatment did not much affect the appearance of the trophy.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Well, we've given Fr. Buskin a few hours; considering he made a somewhat redundant appearance earlier, it's probably time to move on.

The Second Runner-Up, with 44 points, is...

CONTESTANT #4, ARIEL!!


 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Yoo-hoo, Contestant #4...

Oh well.



And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

The First Runner-Up, who will take on the responsibilities of Miss SoF 2002 should the Winner be unable...
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is...
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CONTESTANT #1, DOLPHY!!

*********************************************
MAKING THE WINNER CONTESTANT #10, CLARE, WITH
50 POINTS!!!
*********************************************

<Smarmy Host warbles>

Now down the aisle she can be seen
The Ship-of-Fools now has a queen
She's the shipmate whom we all adore
The proof is in her highest score...



[ 06 August 2002, 05:46: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
Don't worry Dolphy, something will happen to Clare soon, making you the winner, I promise!!

*The Mid quickly runs to his hotel room, grabs his suitcase, passport and false nose and quickly exits through the back door. He jumps into a waiting taxi which drives him to the airport where he boards a private Gulfstream IV with no markings. It flys away into the sunset taking The Mid with it....before Dolphy can get her hands on him. He smiles to himself - it was well worth it. He can't wait until the next constest....*
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Belisarius:
Yoo-hoo, Contestant #4...

Oh well.

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And yoo-hoo to you too, you smarmy host. I don't normally post at 5.30 a.m., unless I'm suffering unusually badly from insomnia.

So I get the bronze award? Well, in the interests of tactical voting, I voted for me consistently in every round, so that I could have at least one vote I could count on, but I must say I am touched to discover that someone else has voted for me as well. For which I thank you, whoever you are.

I am now off to my dressing room, and would like to invite Fr Buskin round for consolation (I can't get that photo out of my head) which will take the form of a particularly moist sort of chocolate fudge cake. Cake forks will not be supplied, out of a desire to see how he manages without.

And after that, I must be on my way, as my agent informs me that he has arranged a tour of all the nightclubs in Patagonia for me. This was his last act before resigning, so I shall be looking for a replacement. If anyone would like to arrange my tours, put up with my fits of temper, and help me dress and undress, see me in about ... I think Fr Buskin should take about half an hour so come round after that.

Thank you and goodbye.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Congratulations Clare - shall we all pop round and have a celebratory cup of tea? Bring out Aunty Maud's best china, this is a happy day

P>S> I voted for you (smarm, smarm, sucks up to winner)
 

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Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
Well I never! Good heavens! How marvellous!

Well this is very exciting, could someone just take my camera and take a quick photo please? thank you, i can put that up next to Richard's graduation on the mantlepiece when i get home... Mrs Scott and Mrs Packer will be surprised! Now, oh, I have to stand here do I. yes, I think i'll still keep my handbag with me, i really do need that Kleenex now!

hello everyone! just to say a very warm thank-you to all the kind people who voted me, it's so nice to be appreciated. All my fellow contestants were absolutely super, though i do hope they enjoy taking off those dangerously high heels (they're not good for the feet you know) and pulling on a pair of slippers when they get home. And thank you very much kind compare, you really have been most accomodating and i think you have a real talent in a songwriting career.... yes, i do! such a nice voice. Oh thank you! such a lovely trophy, that'll have to go on the mantlepeice too... needs a little bit of brasso but i can se to it when i get home...oh, and if i could just get that changed from 'Miss' to Mrs? Thankyou, I'm afraid I'm rather old fashioned about these things.

well, this is all rather overwealming - oh hello? Weston-super-Mare Daily Argos, but of course, I read it every day! oh yes, cheese!

I really must be getting on, so, goodbye and thank you again to all the kind voters. Do pop in for a cuppa any time you're passing, it's no trouble.
 

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Posted by The Mid (# 1559) on :
 
*Ring ring. Ring ring.

Clare answers phone. It is a long distance call, although she doesn't know it it is from somewhere over the Pacific Ocean at present.*

Clare, it's The Mid. Just wanted to say congratulations on your crown, it was very well deserved, and if you are looking for a PR manager as you carry out your Miss Ship of Fools duties then I would be happy to offer my services. They come at a very reasonable fee.

Once again, congratulations!!!

*The line goes dead, Clare looks at it thoughtfully before placing the phone back on the hook*
 

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Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Now, now Mid... Clare won fair and square... Most sincere congratulations to you Clare.

(Sheds a small tear but thanks those who did vote for me!)
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Thank you, Contestant #1.

Well, that about wraps it up for the Miss SoF 2002 Pageant. Thank you for watching and we hope to see you next year!

<Contestants who still happen to be on stage each throw an exaggerated, synchronized kiss>

<CURTAIN>
 

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Posted by clare (# 17) on :
 
Email Communication
19.08.02
To: Simon Jenkins
From: clare
Re: How very kind.

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Dear Mr Jenkins,

Just a short note to say thank you very much for the lovely tea-bags and delightful card. I enjoy earl grey very much, not so much first thing in the morning, when really I think you need a good robust flavour don't you, but certainly mid afternoon I find it so refreshing. You won't believe this, but when I went to the cupboard to put the box away I realised I only had one teabag left in my previous box, such wonderful timing! It has been great fun winning the beauty pageant, I have so many stories to tell my friends (some of them quite shocking about the other contestants but I'll spare your blushes) so I think I'll have to bake some cakes, invite them over for afternoon tea and show them the photos.

I wouldn't like to quibble with the organisers, they did such a marvellous job after all, but the trophy really is a bit of a devil to clean and does tend to dwarf the collection of china country cottages on the mantelpiece, so really the box of teabags is much more practical. Thank you again for your kindness and interest in the beauty pageant.

Yours with very best wishes,

clare

(Miss Ship-of-Fools Pageant Winner 2002 (Mrs)).
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Tea and crumpets for the winning!

Woo-hoo Miss Clare!!!


 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
And with that, we again bid you adieu.
 

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