Thread: Hell: The Kingdom of Gerald Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
This thread is now open for counselling, corporal worship, corporate punishment, lay insubordination, endless whingeing and banal drivel.

{title amended}

[ 11. November 2014, 20:19: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :
 
Well, I am looking for a life changing tract to give to my German, Transexual, ginger haired, bank clerk friend. He has big intrest in Persian Cats and goes cycling every year in Luxembourg.

Can you suggest anything?

Neil
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 
Reverend Gerald

I wonder if you can help.

No one takes any notice of me. What can one do?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Starbelly

How about "Surely There's No Harm in One Can of Shandy!" by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (no relation)?

It has many compelling illustrations of sin and debauchery, culminating in graphic hellish torments.

Guaranteed to bring the most hardened fornicater to his knees (or hers these days!).
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 
Dear Rev.,

It is so nice to see you back once again. Your cyber flock have scattered to the distant corners of the net. Sibling Coot stuffed up mightly in looking after your sheep. He had however spent time in Purgatory, and I hear that he is being 'bumped up' to Heaven soon.

Have you any plans for celebrating Harvest? Perhaps you have been graced by God in receiving a new worship song?

Sibling bear
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Welcome back, you old fraud. I note that your church plant has not been particularly successful. Trolling for new parishioners in the halls of the damned, are we?

There have been a few bureaucratic changes since you last graced us with your presence. Tithe is now seventeen percent, and we require Proof of Insurance before you can dispense advice. Reports (and payment) are due on the second and fourth Thursdays. We accept sterling, Euros, US, Canadian, and Australian dollars, as well as yen.

Oh, yes, and there is a flat-rate sexton's fee depending on the traffic on the thread. You have a tendency not to clean up your messes and things were becoming untidy. You are still responsible for fixing your own UBB code, as well as that of any troubled person stupid enough to solicit your advice. You have administrative privileges; use them.

Be sure and visit your thread often so that people will have a response regularly. If you're going to be an agony aunt, behave like one.

I will also be making up new rules occasionally that you will be required to observe retroactively.

Have a nice day.
 

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Posted by homerj (# 324) on :
 
Dear Rev

I am perplexed by a problem a friend posed to me recently.

she want's to know the correct theological precedent for walking to church. Does one start with the left or right foot? what pace should one set?

I'm afraid that she will be unable to attend church until i have answered her important questions, and i am at a loss

please help!

homerj
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Bear
Your cyber flock have scattered to the distant corners of the net. Sibling Coot stuffed up mightly in looking after your sheep.

Sibling Coot is indeed a beloved yoke-fellow in the threshing of the faithful. But if there's one thing that cannot be accepted in the shepherding of the sheep, it's "stuffing up". I think we're agreed on that.

Have you any plans for celebrating Harvest? Perhaps you have been graced by God in receiving a new worship song?

We do not celebrate harvest festival in St Ursula's as it really a fertility rite of pagan origin.

So instead, like all true Christians, we celebrate the biblical feast of Tabernacles. Rather than bringing such unspiritual things as spaghetti and cuppa soups into church, we set up 12 tents, around the sacred altar of the Lord.

Then the young women of the Liturgical Virgins Combo dance around the huge pole on the altar with tambourines and loud hallelujahs, claiming the victory over the territorial spirits of Lewisham, and spirinkling oil on each other. It's a moving occasion, very popular.

As for the hymn I'll have to get back to you.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Dearly Beloved Sibling Tomb

Up thine.
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 
So, now that I have exstablished that people do, in fact, ignore me, I wonder, Rev. Gerald, whether there is a ministry for me in jumping up and down and screaming evangelism?

I'll be at St. Ursula's on Sunday.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Your Geraldness, I am very tall. Should I bow my head as I emerge into the aisle from the Choir vestry door, or is this not liturgically correct?
 

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Posted by Zach82 (# 3208) on :
 
Rev Gerald, my congregation has proven unwilling to worship in the manner which I prefer. How shall I amend their short-sightedness?

Zach
 

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Posted by troy (# 2516) on :
 
Anointed Reverend,

I am wondering if there is any Biblical or theological precedent on toilet paper orientation. Should it be placed on the spindle so that we pull from over top the roll or underneath the roll? Any exegesisical information you can provide on this important issue would be appreciated.

Basking in your radiance
-troy
 

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Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Rev,

There have been some changes since you last visited. Namely new rulers in this realm, like, well, me. And I have a whole other set of rules apart from those laid down by tomb. Which I won't tell you, cause then you might obey them, and where would all my fun go? But make sure you follow the rules, otherwise there'll be all Hell to pay. In a very literal sense.

Oh, and keep your multiple identities sorted out. Otherwise I shall

Viki, hellhost
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Well, Sarky, as far as I'm concerned, he can do anything he wants and say anything he wants--just as long as he files the reports on time.

You undoubtedly have different standards, and I of course acknowledge your freedom to impose whatever standards you choose.

And, in the event that your standards and my rules conflict, it will be his responsibility to sort out the confusion. He's a "superChristian" after all; undoubtedly God will show him the correct path.

{snark}
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Homerj

She want's to know the correct theological precedent for walking to church. Does one start with the left or right foot? what pace should one set?

Hmmm. You want (sorry, your "friend" wants) to be careful with all this walking business.

There's nothing wrong with walking per se, but it's easy to get sucked into this whole New Agey communing with nature, being at peace with yourself and trying to save the planet thing. (Depending on where you live. Here in Lewisham I'm blessed to say we're pretty immune from the spirits of peace and nature.)

The next thing you know you'll be into crystals, relaxation tapes, worshipping dolphins, praying to demons and eating muesli.

However, given that warning, walking to church is not actually a sin,and I'm sure that many people in the Bible did it.

So, as for the left foot/right foot dilemma, tell your "friend" that it's not worth getting that worried about, and I'm sure the Spirit will guide her into the paths of correctfulness if she let's him.

If she gets run over on the way, obviously she is not in tune with the Spirit, so what can she expect?

What pace? Just don't be late.
 

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Posted by W (# 14) on :
 
Rev Gerald,

Have you ever thought of writing a book? If you did, do you think you would make it available through good Christian bookshops?

In the meantime, just supposing I had several multiples of six pounds and ninety nine pence available for the purchase of Christmas and other sundry presents - what would you recommend I spend it on?

W
 

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Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
Dear Rev. Gerald,

I need advice

how can I ensure that I get a comfortable seat on the 07:55 to Charing Cross?

Can this be done without lying, cheating, stealing, or having to smell bad, say embarrasing things, do unpleasant bending, breaking any of the ten commandmanets, or in any way bringing shame upon my LORD?

Ideally I'd like to be on the right by the window, facing in the direction the train is going, with very large numbers of attractive women in the rest of the carriage.
 

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Posted by Horselover Fat (# 3384) on :
 
Dear Rev Gerald

Is it true that you have been described as 'the man who puts back the "euch" in "eucharist"'?

Horse
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Wood
So, now that I have exstablished that people do, in fact, ignore me, I wonder, Rev. Gerald, whether there is a ministry for me in jumping up and down and screaming evangelism?

Absolutely! The 'loud bouncing' method of evangelism is in sorry decline these last days, and I just really feel the Lord would have us revive again its bounteous paths.

Ever since St Alfred of Cirencester converted King Ethelstan by leaping on him as he slept shouting short passages from Revelation, plunging out of trees before him singing the "Bogorodiste Dievo", and appearing to him in bouncy visions with alarming (if largely inaccurate) prophecies about dragons, there has been an divinely ordained link between mission and jumping up and down.

In the church where I grew up, there was a great man of God, Morris Norgate, who had the gift of pogoing with a megaphone. For many years he faithfully brought the word to lost shoppers, until he was called home with the aid of some Christmas lights, a misplaced drain cover, and the 93 bus.

More recently, St Ursula's for many years supported the work of Terry Sprat who would, among other anointed works, bungee jump from the top of the Army and Navy store crying (somewhat confusingly now I think about it), "RAAAAAAAAPTUUUUUUURE!!!!", whilst scattering tracts, holy water and more often than not car keys on passersby.

This ministry sadly came to an end when the Army and Navy store was closed down. Terry moved on to World of Sofas, but alas did not realise until it was too late that World of Sofas had one fewer storeys than the Army and Navy.

I'll be at St. Ursula's on Sunday.

That's lovely. I'm sure you know that we greet all true peaceable believers with open arms, and that the very highly trained deacons our "welcome" team can spot a nutter a mile off and are not reluctant to use the fire hose.
 

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Posted by Robert Miller (# 1459) on :
 
Hi Gerald, why are you posting in Hell?

I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?

If I were to look for the book in waterstones - would it be stocked there (under what section)? Humour Religion or what?

I want to find my books easily - I don't want to trudge around the place on some sort of cultish pilgrimage
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Wood

May I add, that while almost everyone apart from me will tell you that such martyrdoms as these are responsble for the decline in loud bouncing ministries in recent years, they are wrong.

The decline in loud bouncing ministries in recent years is caused by the decline in more or less everything else.

So go for it! Don't let Satan steal your elasticity!
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
So Rev Gezza-belle, you've decided that the closet is not the most comfortable of places and have re-emerged into the openness of cyber-space once again.

I am NOT going to confess anything or ask anything of you, having been so deeply disappointed with your previous ministry to the denizens of Hell.

That would be to court further disappointment, wouldn't it?

I hope you are paying your dues to tomb this time. You gotta respect a chap like that...
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 

quote:

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Sibling Robert wrote
I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?

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quote:

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Originally posted by babybear:
Sibling Robert wrote

quote:

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I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?

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Didn't you look for instructions on the Ship? You can buy it here.

Sibling bear

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Or direct from the publishers here, if I may be so bold, oh ursine one.

May I also be so bold as to offer my testimony to the tears of laughter, sorry, joy, that I suffered during repentance with the glorious reverend at the racecourse in August. May your ministry be truly blessed and may all our stains be washed away as they were while singing 'Shine Flanders Shine'
 

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Posted by homerj (# 324) on :
 
Rev G

thanks for the advice, I (sorry, my friend), can now walk like jesus walked (buses permitting)

What flavour of lollipop can you recommend for a baptisimal service I'm attending soon?

yours sheepishly

homerj
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Gezza!

There's blown code up there in babybear's post. Fix it, or the sexton's fee doubles.

Thenks.

tomb
hellhost
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Sarky, you silly girl, you have fixed the code and become an enabler of the Rev's ministry.

I am surprised at you. Next thing you know, aliens will eat a hole in your brain and you'll start referring to people as "sibling."
 

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Posted by Robert Miller (# 1459) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by babybear:

quote:

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Sibling Robert wrote
I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?

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Didn't you look for instructions on the Ship? You can buy it here.

Sibling bear

[In the presence of Gerald, all your coding knowledge disappears?]

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But Baby Bear I want it now and not next week - Now do you hear me NOW! Pooooooooooooooooo
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Homerj

What a godincidence! You'll never guess the reading I was given last night in my Daily Clement notes.

We must abandon a furious mode of walking, and choose a grave and leisurely, but not a lingering step.

Do not swagger in the street, throw back your head to regard onlookers, as if you were strutting on the stage, to be pointed at with the finger.

Nor, when going uphill, should you be shoved up by your servants, like the luxurious, who appear strong, but are enfeebled by effeminacy of soul. Paedogogus 3:11

Now tell me that's not from the Lord!
 

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Posted by Eldo (# 1861) on :
 
Revered Gerald,
Having read your last opus and other assorted works, I am yet to find correct instruction in the exact theologically and biblically sound method of extracting a lay youth worker's head from his sphincter. Pray tell how yiou would go about such a complex and justified operations.

Yours in expectation,
 

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Posted by IanB (# 38) on :
 
Brother Gerald - grace, mercy and peace to you!

Where you are going, you'll certainly be needing it.

As you well know, I would not normally darken your doorstep as I have a separate franchise of my own. However, having read of your prayer, anointing and sump-oil recycling ministry, there is something that I would value your guidance on.

Of late, I find myself increasingly being "slain in the spirit". The last time was in the High Street last Saturday afternoon. Fortunately the police lab lost the blood sample so the case against me had to be dropped. Is there any way this embarassment can be avoided? I am sure this is the sort of thing that you must be able to advise on from your own experience.

Self-reverentially yours
IanB
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Chorister
Your Geraldness, I am very tall. Should I bow my head as I emerge into the aisle from the Choir vestry door, or is this not liturgically correct?

I'm afraid I have grave reservations about the presence of women in the vestry in the first place. It's a changing room for priests!

What could persons of the contrary gender possibly be doing in there that is not utterly wicked?

If even I have never availed myself of the right to be vested by a retinue of godly virgins, I don't see why anyone else should think they can.

Maybe will say you are there in connection with your choristing. That's no better. For doeth not St Paul enjoin all members of the opposite gender to be silent in church?

Anyone who is not utterly hardened to the things of God knows that any female ministry in church - whether it be priestly, preachy, or hymnological - is utterly unnatural.

If the high bits really have to be sung, there is perfectly good Christian tradition for surgically gifting men to bring that sacrifice of praise. Now that's what I call natural.
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald,

I have been suffering from the attacks of the demons of insomnia recently.

Can you recommend a good exorcist?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Zach
Rev Gerald, my congregation has proven unwilling to worship in the manner which I prefer. How shall I amend their short-sightedness?

Glasses?

I'm sorry, I don't really see what you're getting at.
 

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Posted by Al Eluia (# 864) on :
 
Rev. Gerald: Why can't the person with the walking dilemma just drive to church like good American Christians?

What advice do you have for someone who feels a call to be an Anglican street preacher?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Troy

I am wondering if there is any Biblical or theological precedent on toilet paper orientation. Should it be placed on the spindle so that we pull from over top the roll or underneath the roll? Any exegesisical information you can provide on this important issue would be appreciated.

Actually, the only biblical teaching I have been able to find on the subject of toilet paper seems quite emphatically to rule out its usage at all:

"His reproach shall not be wiped away." Proverbs 6:33

However I am urgently seeking the Lord for further light on this matter.

Basking in your radiance
- troy

That's the spirit.
 

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Posted by Anna B (# 1439) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald,
If the kingdom of Gerald is within me, why doesn't it prevent nausea?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling W

Blessings on you, Sibling Wibblethorpe, for that truly Of The Lord question.

btw, did you suffer burn out writing your full name? I empathise with you in the trials of having a lengthy tag, but you should never tire of rejoicing in the full name which He gave unto you, and with which you were baptised into the body.

If you're going to surrender to a spirit of abbreviation, why not go all the way and call yourself "V"?

Have you ever thought of writing a book? If you did, do you think you would make it available through good Christian bookshops?

It's availability would define "good Christian bookshop".

In the meantime, just supposing I had several multiples of six pounds and ninety nine pence available for the purchase of Christmas and other sundry presents - what would you recommend I spend it on?

Isn't the Lord's timing just perfect? (To which, of course, the correct answer is "Well, dur".)

For just as you are looking for somewhere to spend the sacred amount £5.99, along comes the most inpired book since the Good one.

Don't get me wrong. I’m not saying the book should become a third testament of the Holy Scriptures, because I am not worthy of that honour. However if that is the Lord’s will, who am I to stand in his way?

If you want to know which book I refer to, I'm haooy to tell you: it's My Ministry Manual by Rev. Gerald Ambulance.

I would go on, but as you already have 7 signed copies, you probably know what it's about.
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald
Obviously you are a man of considerable experience when it comes to matters of the world, the flesh and the Devil; that is, you clearly have insight and wisdom in how today's Christian should conduct him/herself in a society so full of temptation and naughtiness.

What advice would you give to a pious, demure young Christian lady seeking intimate companionship with a steadfast partner-in-the-faith? How can one attract the right kind of man, without also inciting the many passions that flesh is heir to?
Yours in Christianly friendship and devotion
 

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Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald,

In the entirely hypothetical but rather similar situation to the one above, how should a nice Christian girl indicate affection to a very proper Christian young man in a modest but unambiguous way that would not be mistaken as an Occasion for Sin or an attempted seduction? And how does headship come into this? (I was brought up as a Catholic and it's not a term they used at my convent school.)

yours curiously

WD
 

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Posted by Albert Ross (# 3241) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald

I am a great fan of 'Sunday Half Hour' presented by Roger Royle on BBC Radio 4. I greatly enjoy hearing (and joining in) the traditional hymns played as these have largely been replaced by 'Songs of Fellowship' style songs in services at my Church.

Does this prevent me being associated with a magazine 'of Chriatain Unrest'?

Albert
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Ken

how can I ensure that I get a comfortable seat on the 07:55 to Charing Cross?

Can this be done without lying, cheating, stealing, or having to smell bad, say embarrasing things, do unpleasant bending, breaking any of the ten commandmanets, or in any way bringing shame upon my LORD?

There is one way, and one way only. Go on Saturday.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Horse
Is it true that you have been described as 'the man who puts back the "euch" in "eucharist"'?

Well, I suppose it is now. And doubtless will be again, now you've brought it to my attention.

Did you sign up to this message board just to ask that question? Bless you, my child.

Let's give Sibling Horse a warm St Ursula's welcome, shall we everyone? Would you like to bear testimony, Sibling?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Bear
Have you any plans for celebrating Harvest? Perhaps you have been graced by God in receiving a new worship song?

I explained above why we don't celebrate the pagan rite of harvest at St Ursula's, but those of you who do can make it a lot less unsound by including in your service this new song that the Lord has given me:

Thank you Lord for cheese and spam
Pasta sauce and jelly
And for the preservatives
That stop them going smelly.

All things we appreciate
Come down to us from heaven,
Like monosodium glutemate
And E177.

Thank you for the wholesome grain
Scattered on the ground
Thank you for the pesticides
That keep the prices down

Thanks for food from foreign climes
Where all is hot and sunny
And for farmers glad to work
For very little money.

You send rain to water crops,
And the sun's warm ray;
And places where it all goes wrong
Are very far away.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
homerj
thanks for the advice, I (sorry, my friend), can now walk like jesus walked (buses permitting)

Amen to that. While you do so why not like to sing Graham Kendrick's "He Walked Where I Walk", with or without the extra verse written by the leader of the St U's worship group, Sibling Sue Pickles:

He walked where I walk (He walked where I walk)
Down to the takeaway (Down to the takeaway)
Back via the off licence (Back via the off licence)
He waited outside (He waited outside)

What flavour of lollipop can you recommend for a baptisimal service I'm attending soon?

yours sheepishly

Sheepishly? I should think so!

If you're so ungodly as to bring confectionary into the House of the Lord (as if the word of his anointed were not sweetness enough), I would suggest bile flavour so you can do your penance while you sin and save time later.

The only sweets I have ever allowed in St U's are the "throat lozenges" that Sibling Sue claims the worship team need to reach their usual peak of excellence. It's a pretty lame excuse, but it does make it easier for me to explain to people who ask why the worship team sucks.
 

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Posted by DP (# 794) on :
 
Dear Father (or Mother, these days. Hahahahahahahahahaha.)

Lovely though the new photograph of you is, you appear to be wearing an electrical guitar. Judas. Or are you exorcising it?

Anyway.

What translation of the Bible should we be reading?

DP
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Thank you Lord for cheese and spam
Pasta sauce and jelly
And for the preservatives
That stop them going smelly.

All things we appreciate
Come down to us from heaven,
Like monosodium glutemate
And E177.

---

You truely are the annointed one.


Sibling bear
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Yes, I think I probably am. Nice of you to notice.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Eldo
Having read your last opus and other assorted works, I am yet to find correct instruction in the exact theologically and biblically sound method of extracting a lay youth worker's head from his sphincter. Pray tell how yiou would go about such a complex and justified operations.


Hmm, tricky. All healing requires the anointing with oil, in this case more abundantly than ever, as a lubricant. That and a good pull should do it. Plus prayer and fasting, obviously.

Of course, if it's your own we're talking about, don't try this on yourself.
 

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Posted by Horselover Fat (# 3384) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Did you sign up to this message board just to ask that question? Bless you, my child.

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quote:

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Originally posted by sarkycow:
Well Rev mate, you've gone on to two pages. I believe the thread toll increases now. And I could do with some money to fund my drinking. Tomb, how much more it is now?

Viki, impecunious hellhost

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quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
Surely you don't mean to imply that you're asking the fauxrev for money, do you? Honey, I gave up on invoices a long, long time ago.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Al Eluia:
I realize this hymn is not on a par with "O God You're Really Lord," but which version is correct?

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As an aside, a local church has been rumoured to have changed the words to that great and blessed song.

It now runs O God, You're really God / come and worship at Exeter pentecostal fellowship / you stupid sod.

I hope the Rev is going to take legal action.

Neil
 

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Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
Rev.Gerald,
I wonder if you could help me with a spiritual dilema i am faced with once again, once again, when walking into a church service, there is the choice of a beanbag or a chair to sit on.
Which should i sit?
In desparation,
sophs
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
Dear Rev,

Is it true that all is fair in love and war? Okay, let's skip war and concentrate on love. Where does a good Christian woman draw the line when it comes to seduction? Or indeed should a good Christian woman even be thinking of seduction? I ask this for a friend of mine who's thinking of trying to steal another woman's woman. I don't know what advice to give her so perhaps you could help, hoping this isn't too shocking a case for you.
 

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Posted by Laudate Dominum (# 3104) on :
 
Dear Rev. Gerald,

Please help me with the question above! The demon inhabiting our church's organ is behaving very badly indeed now, in fact, it has begun to make the organ play at totally inappropriate times! Please, is there a way to rid ourselves of this evil spirit?

--Desperate Choir Girl
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
Did the Rev forget to pay his Hell tithe? It's just like the old days, waiting for Gezza...
 

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Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Al Eluia:
I'd like you to settle a long-standing dispute between my wife and me about a hymn lyric: "Guide me, O thou great Jehovah." Our hymnal gives the refrain as "feed me now and ever more." She insists it should be "feed me till I want no more," which is the version she grew up with. I realize this hymn is not on a par with "O God You're Really Lord," but which version is correct?

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In the absence of his most reverend Ambulanceship, may I offer this as evidence? As the words were originally in Welsh, it depends (as ever) on the translation.

Most of us, sadly, only ever sing it at rugby matches...
 

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Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
I would not presume to speak for the Blessed Rev Gerald, but an answer to sophs' dilemma occurs to me.

Sister sophs, if you were attending a proper spirit-filled church, everyone would fall to the floor the moment they entered, thus removing the need for either chairs or bean-bags. Problem solved!
 

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Posted by Zach82 (# 3208) on :
 
Have a praise team march around it seven times, strumming guitaurs and banging tambourines, whilst waving praise flags. After they've marched around it seven times, have them all blow shofars, which should drive the demon from the organ.

Zach
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Hey, this is just like an interregnum; when the minister b*****s off for x-number of months and the congregation get on (sometimes quite successfully!) with the task of solving their own problems.

Power to the People!

Down with the clergy!
 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Zach82:
Have a praise team march around it seven times, strumming guitaurs and banging tambourines, whilst waving praise flags. After they've marched around it seven times, have them all blow shofars, which should drive the demon from the organ.

Zach

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quote:

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Originally posted by Anselmina:
Hey, this is just like an interregnum; when the minister b*****s off for x-number of months and the congregation get on (sometimes quite successfully!) with the task of solving their own problems.

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• It used to be said that nothing should be changed during an interregnum — not even to put everything back to the way it was during the incumbency before last.

We used to have a curate for the good Reverend - but I can't remember if it was The Coot or Nunc Dimittis!! The trouble with interregnums (interregna?) is that they come to an end...
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
Yes, Coot did indeed give us very sound advice during that previous period when the Rev left us high and dry. Perhaps he could help with my friend's problem. She's got sort of a date tomorrow night with object of affection and could use some pointers, as it were.

Coot! Coot! Coot! Coot!
 

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Posted by Zach82 (# 3208) on :
 
Well, if the organist, ~must~ go the High-Church road, then there is a less effective method.

Jam as many Miraculous Mary medals you can find into the organ pipes. You will need thousands of medals, because you really need to pack the things in. Then have the local convent say 8,000 decades of the rosary over it.

Have the priest prepare 500 gallons of holy water, and top off the air pumps. Turn on the organ, and press all the keys down.

Assuming you've jammed enough medals into the pipes, the pressure should build up, and Miraculous Mary Medals and gallons of holy water will be forcefully ejected, spewing about the church. The demon should be ejected with the explosion of medals and holy water.

Zach
 

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Posted by Al Eluia (# 864) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rhisiart:
In the absence of his most reverend Ambulanceship, may I offer this as evidence? As the words were originally in Welsh, it depends (as ever) on the translation.

---

quote:

---

In the absence of his most reverend Ambulanceship, may I offer this as evidence? As the words were originally in Welsh, it depends (as ever) on the translation.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ultraspike:
Yes, Coot did indeed give us very sound advice during that previous period when the Rev left us high and dry.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by ken:
Should I tell the assembled devotees about that very strange man passed out all weekend in the corner of the Rising Sun in Loampit Vale?

---

I may waive your stupidity tax if you do.

Viki
 

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Posted by duchess [green] (# 2764) on :
 
Rev. Gerald Ambulance, please give a 35 year old lady some pointers on staying pure, single and holy. Your sage advice is sorely needed. How does one make this a sacrifice of praise to God?
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
The check finally cleared yesterday, and the Rev. Gerald is re-admitted to his See. Sorry I was remiss in notifying his flock of his unintended but not unexpected absence, given the disastrous state of his exchequer.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
May I urge as many of you as possible - i.e. all of you - to join in with tomorrow's March Against Badness wherever you may be at 11am GMT 13 November.
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
Okay, quit tootin' yer horn, Rev, and give us some answers. Either that or let Coot take over. You've neglected your flock here for your worldly concerns long enuff.
 

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Posted by duchess [green] (# 2764) on :
 
ah.....argh...ditto!
(said with much dripping respect)
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
DP
Dear Father (or Mother, these days. Hahahahahahahahahaha.)
What translation of the Bible should we be reading?

The vast majority at St Ursula's read the New International Version, being fans of global homogeneity and irresistible marketing. It's so refreshing to read a translation that manages to bring out the Christian orthodoxy of the Old Testament - and the New for that matter - in a way that more pedantic translations fail to. It's also more valuable for pointscoring against Catholics than more literal translations.

However it repeatedly fails to take into account the light shone on the Scriptures by the full truth of High Pentecostal-Reformed theology. For example, for Matthew 23:9 it has "And do not call anyone on earth 'father'" which would be a very strange rule indeed! But what Jesus actually taught - as I have revealed in my recent publication Thoughts on the Way to the Supermarket was "Do not call anyone on earth 'pater'", which when you think about it makes a lot more sense. Unless you're Greek, which of course you're not.

A couple of un-self-conscious souls at St U's read the Good News Bible, which I can't really approve of, because Bible-reading was never intended to be enjoyable.

Sibling Ann van Schnitzel struts about with a New Revised Standard (Love me I'm clever) Version. What posesses these translators to insist on sticking like glue to the original meaning of the old foreign language versions, whatever damage it may cause... and then stick "and women too" into every other verse?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the ladies their due and including them as much as possible in the life of the church, but where will it stop?

quote:

---

Psalm 8:4
What is man, woman, child, old person, middle-aged or dead, of every ethnic background, religion and sexuality, and of every other categorisation including those which have not yet become socio-political issues, that you are mindful of him or her,
the son, daughter, mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin of either sex, or any forebear, descendent or other relation - by birth, adoption or technologies not yet in place - of the aforesaid individual, that you care for him/her/it/them/me or anyone else?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
I should add that Sibling Norman will only use the King James version, which he insists is the one authoritative Bible and the only version permissible in public worship.

He makes a very strong case, but since he can't read a single verse of it aloud without swallowing his tongue, I remain to be convinced.

---

Dear Rev. Gerald,

In connection with the issue of Bible translations, I recently found an "Empress Catherine" version of the Bible at a used book stall, which proved to contain what I thought was an unorthodox translation, especially of the following passages (offered here in the more holy KJV: 2 Samuel 8:4 and of 2 Kings 3:7.

Is the ECV, to your knowledge, an authorized version?

[ 13. November 2002, 16:31: Message edited by: Laura ]
 

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Posted by Zach82 (# 3208) on :
 
My pastor once dispelled with the Bible altogether and had a Christian music video projected on to the OHP screen.

It was all very spiritual.

The Word of the Lord Almighty never seemed to make so much sense until it was sung by a middle-aged woman with her blouse neckline cut teasingly low as she waved her arms about in the air.

I assume the Holy Spirit took over at the moment, because people were jumping out of their pews and running about for the sheer spirituality of the moment, though I do wonder why the Spirit made them run out the doors....

Now, my question dear His Holiness Rev Gerald, is how one should properly implement the music-video-scripture system. How would one bearing the Sciptures in the procession carry the entire vido-cassette-projector aloft, considering the projector's weight?

Perhaps you could suggest some liturgical video-cassette projectors for people who wish to implement the the music-video-scripture system as well....

Sibling Zach, Reconciling Confessing Evangelical United Methodist Episcopalian
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Horsefat Lover
Well, since I'm here... any spiritual advice for feelings of inadequacy caused by signing up to a message board and finding you have nothing to contribute?


You don't make it clear, Sibling Horse, whether you wish to stimulate feelings of inadequacy or diminish them.

If you wish to stimulate them, you need to make your inadequacy obvious to fellow shipmates to invite their ridicule.
Post in Hell things like "I think you're all wrong and stupid, but I don't know why".
Go to Purgatory and write posts saying things like "Errr...".
Better to avoid Heaven, as you'll find it hard to stand out from the crowd by having nothing to say there.

If you wish to diminish them go to Heaven.
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
I note with disgust the lack of friendly and adoring welcoming posts that mark the return of our beloved Reverend after his lengthy trip.

It's good to have you back with us, Rev. Hell hasn't been the same without you.

Now onto more pressing matters. How far is too far? I speak, obviously, of the verse that states 'if a man presses you to go with him for one mile, go with him for two'. My dilemma is this; if the man is taking a long walk off a short cliff, and wants me to go with him, should I accompany him on his journey to an unfortunate end? I am loath to disobey the Scriptures, especially where a dubious and fluid explanation can be assigned to the text.
 

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Posted by ThatsMrJuice2U (# 3076) on :
 
Your Reverendship, Sir,

I have been lately dealing with temptation concerning my finances. Namely, I have been feeling temptation to give large amounts of money to your ministry, which is money that I feel could be better served in buying beer and other things for myself, which is my right as an American! How may I mortify the flesh and overcome this temptation?

Your humble servant,
Mr. Juice
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Starbelly

I will be embarking on the task of providing sandwiches for a large amount of students after church today, what fillings do you recommend? should I have contact with these kind of people or stay firmly in the kitchen?

My first recommendation is that you you ask such questions at least a month in advance, rather than the same day.

My second recommendation is, for a sandwich filling, Marmite. It's cheap, and it's in the Bible.

As for the question of having contact, you probably expect me to say remain in the kitchen to avoid pollution. But no, I know you are a great man of faith and spiritual warfare, so I give you permission to go among those young people in the body - ever remaining spiritually in the kitchen - and witness unto them with your aura of holiness and sanctification.

Avoid all eye contact - and any other kind of contact obviously - and make no conversation. If anyone talks to you, just give them an out of focus smile, and waft meekly away.

But be alert, Sibling, and at the first hint of midriffs, any other kind of riffs, or animal liberation, run for it.
 

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Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
Sib SB should try curried egg mayonnaise with ham and baby octopus. That will maximise the number of weaker brethren who will abstain, thus helping them with their diets, and leaving more for the rest of us with more robust consciences.
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 
Dear Rev. Gerald,

I have been making a little avatar gallery suitable for use by shipmates. I was wondering if I might be allowed to draw people's attention to 3 lovely Rev. inspired avatars.

There is an image of you sitting addressing the masses at Greenbelt. Another is simply an image of your feet, the laces of your trainers we are not worthy to untie, and lastly a golden fish on the hem of your garment (that we are not worthy to touch) a b
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 
Dear Rev. Gerald,

I have been making a little avatar gallery suitable for use by shipmates. I was wondering if I might be allowed to draw people's attention to 3 lovely Rev. inspired avatars.

There is an image of you sitting addressing the masses at Greenbelt. Another is simply an image of your feet, the laces of your trainers we are not worthy to untie, and lastly a golden fish on the hem of your garment (that we are not worthy to touch).

Sibling bear
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
ExKYOUZE me!

And since when do you think it permissable to advertise your silly little graven images without first paying for the privilege?

I swear, bb, you are becoming terribly uppity these days!

You know the drill, girl. Send me a check or a bank card number. Then all will be serene.
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
ExKYOUZE me!

---

quote:

---

I swear, bb, you are becoming terribly uppity these days!

---

So sweet of you to notice.

quote:

---

You know the drill, girl. Send me a check or a bank card number. Then all will be serene.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by babybear:

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
ExKYOUZE me!

---

Of course I will excuse you. Any time dear Sibling Tomb.

quote:

---

I swear, bb, you are becoming terribly uppity these days!

---

So sweet of you to notice.

quote:

---

You know the drill, girl. Send me a check or a bank card number. Then all will be serene.

---

As if! I have been chatting to Mrs tomb, and I know lots of stuff that could be used for blackmail. You will find that my silence is worth more to you than a few dollars.

lots of love,

Sibling bear

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
<yadda yadda yadda>

---

Yawn. You're a fraud and a con-artist, and I don't care what you do as long as you pay. Not tending your flock caused me to get a load of distraught emails from the pathetic lot who follow you. I nearly vomited. Pay up and post more.

Viki, hellhost
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
"Rev." Gerald: The persons to whom you owe sufference for your presence in their demense are not to be intimidated lightly (how's that for convoluted syntax? It's almost a poem).

Inasmuch as you, Dear Rev. Gerald, are engaging in a most outrageous version of simony, none of the Hellhosts would have the slightest iota of compunction if we were to engage in your reciprocal Simonization.

And please, dear "reverend" sir: don't call me "sibling." I was hatched from a proper egg, while you spontaneously generated out of some nasty primeval muck along with your sycophantic, grammarless toadies.

Moreover, DO NOT attempt to defend any juvenile ursines attempting to tag a free ride on your ecclesiastical coattails. The Cow or I could pull the plug on your capitalistic Agony Aunt scheme in a heartbeat. You (or your döppleganger) may have obtained administrator status by means of heaven-only-knows what sort of leverage, but you surely realize that if your thread is bleeped out, there will be little for you to administrate.

Trusting I have made myself perfectly clear, I remain

Not-Yours
t
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
, tomb!
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
A-fucking-men.
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
Honey, if it's about the skunk and the dog and the V-8 juice the night I was going to propose, that's an old story.

---

quote:

---

And please, dear "reverend" sir: don't call me "sibling." I was hatched from a proper egg, while you spontaneously generated out of some nasty primeval muck along with your sycophantic, grammarless toadies.

---

quote:

---

You (or your döppleganger) may have obtained administrator status by means of heaven-only-knows what sort of leverage, but you surely realize that if your thread is bleeped out, there will be little for you to administrate.

---

Yeah! Well he can, he can.... terminate your posting privilages. He can, hhe can... um...delete every mention of you that ever appeared on these boards. So don't you muck around with higher powers, egg-boy.

Sibling bear
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Oh, puleeze. Don't start in with any of this vivaparous superiority bullshit. My kind was around when your evolutionary ancestors were miniature rats cowering under leaves, and we'll still be around when you have evolved into large hairless floating bags of flatus whose only method of mobility will be to fart in the direction opposite which you wish to move.
 

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Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 
Your Ambulatoriness

Moving on from the infighting above, may I draw a most horrific occurrence to your attention?

Whilst perusing the shelves of the local SPCK bookshop, I found a copy of your most esteemed and inspired volume of thoughts and strictures ("My Ministry Manual") for us poor followers of your way. To my horror, it had been 'remaindered' - reduced in price to a mere £2.99 (US$5, €5, AUS$ and CAN$ who knows?). I naturally removed the offending article as quickly as possible, in fear that some of those who oppose you might mock and sneer at you.

My question is, what punishment should be inflicted on the purveyors of this insult? Should I smite the shop, and if so should I wait until the firefighters are on strike again so that the light of the Lord's wrath may shine the more brightly (or at least take longer to be extinguished)? Should I take another form of righteous action, such as demanding that all their books be reduced to £2.99 so as not to unfairly impugn your glorious name?

Yours humbly
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
All this nasty fighting has brought me to tears. I am beside myself, positively speechless. Please keep going!

Roll up, roll up ladies and gentlemen, watch as consenting adults skirmish using nothing but vernacular phraseology and unfathomable rhetoric to do each other down! And all without the aid of a safety net!
 

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Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
Oh, puleeze. Don't start in with any of this vivaparous superiority bullshit. My kind was around when your evolutionary ancestors were miniature rats cowering under leaves, and we'll still be around when you have evolved into large hairless floating bags of flatus whose only method of mobility will be to fart in the direction opposite which you wish to move.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by babybear:
....I have no idea what "vivaparous" means. Do you mean "vaporous" or "viviparous"? I realise that you have so few accomplishments in life that you need to take a pride in your spelling. But do you think it entirely wise to boast, yes boast, about being of a species that had not been touched by evolution in the past few millennia? Might this not imply that you are sadly, and woefully, out of touch with the universe as it is now?

Sibling bear

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
As to your evolutionary riposte, why should God mess with a Good Thing?

---

Well he didn't send his only son down to earth as a Lizard, did he egg-boy!

Sibling bear
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Nor did he send him as a bear...
 

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Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
Um surely Gerald would drive an ambulance?

Unless he was pootling along glorious in his Triumph (can't believe no one's rolled that one out yet...)
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Now now, Siblings. As ever, this congregational infighting is in danger of taking our focus off the one whose words are a fortress of living water, and before whom every heart will one day bow - me.

While Siblings squabble, the devil prowls, and more importantly I can't get a word in edgeways.

So let us treat the enemies of The Way among us with grace. For doeth not St Paul that in that way we pour hot coals on their heads? And since actual coals would be impractical in this environment, this is the closest alternative available.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
JimT
I am a first time poster, long time fan.

Good start. An example to us all.

Have you received significant competition from NickA and The Revival Fellowship International? ...
I would guess that they offer even a superstar of your proportions keen competition. No?

No, Sibling, I do not like to think in terms of competition between ministers of the gospel. We all work shoulder to shoulder as brothers, none striving to be more popular, successful, rich or eccentric than his fellows.

Obviously this means that any whose ministry draws bigger, more ecstatic, or wealthier crowds than mine, is obviously breaking ranks and not a true yoke-fellow in the harvest, deserving stoning as a false prophet, or at the very least cutting remarks behind his back.

On the other hand those who can only draw smaller, poorer, more lethargic and less manipulable crowds than I are obviously not making the effort and need to claim their annointment.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Laudate Dominum
I think the organ at our church is inhabited by a demon. Any suggestions for exorcising it?

What problems are you having with your organ that make you feel it is possessed? Suddenly gushing forth at inappropriate moments? Not working when needed? Coming to a noisy climax when you are only halfway through verse 2? Does it go flat? Sharp?

I think I speak for the fellowship as a whole when I say we need more information.

Have you tried laying hands on it yourself?

Are you sure it's not just something the pipework?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sophs

When walking into a church service, there is the choice of a beanbag or a chair to sit on.
Which should i sit?

Let us whenever we are in confusion or despair fly for succour unto the wiseness of the Word.

Beanbags ae certainly unscriptural, never once being mentioned in the sacred page. Chairs are indeed mentioned, but the only reference to someone actually sitting on one is 1 Samuel 4:18:
"Eli fell backward off his chair by the side of the gate. His neck was broken and he died, for he was an old man and heavy."

An inescapable warning of the vengeance of the Lord against those who sit on chairs. And those who are old and heavy, for that matter.

Beanbags would seem to be the lesser of two evils. And they're certainly harder to fall off.
 

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Posted by madferret (# 3353) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald

My church had a tombola at their Coffee Morning last weekend

Are we condemned to H**l?
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Ultraspike
Where does a good Christian woman draw the line when it comes to seduction? Or indeed should a good Christian woman even be thinking of seduction? I ask this for a friend of mine who's thinking of trying to steal another woman's woman.

Thank you, onetime sibling, for this invaluable question, offering a new benchmark in depravity and obviousness. It is, I am sure, always a great encouragement to those who feel they lack discernment to hear from others who have even less.

Why don't you have another look at the question and see if you can guess what the answer of any true Christian would be? (Start from first principles: most things are sinful, especially anything involving bodies.)

±±±±±±±±±±

What we need to explore in greater depth are your problems maintaining patience, humility and self-abasing veneration of spiritual betters, rather than baying disrespectfully for their attention when they are attending to other business.

Is it maybe that you do not grasp the concept of waiting? Let's hope that's all it is, because it would be very easy to explain.

Alternatively, do you consider your so-called problems the only thing worth a worldwide spiritual giant spending time on?
Should all other ministry and mission, bringing succour to the broken and broke-ness to suckers, be forsaken in order to give undivided attention to your every bleat?
Maybe you have a sneaking suspicion that you're the only one who really exists.
Do you believe that devoting myself to the edification, encouragement and chastisement of others is self-aggrandisement, whereas devoting myself to the edification, encouragement and chastisement of you is serving the Lord?
If so, I proclaim thou art mightily oppressed by a spirit of pride, self-love and solipsism; and if you do not have the humility to accept this, what further prove do you need?

Alternatively again, is it your understanding that by pouring forth ministry here without recompense, I have put myself in your debt? A debt I can only discharge by doing it all the more, whenever you demand?
If so, I proclaim thou art mightily oppressed by a spirit of confusion and uncorrectfulness; and again, if this does not seem to you be be true, I rest my case.

Or is it simply that, in your delirious thirst for Rev. Gerald Ambulance and his mighty words of infallibility, a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day of the aforementioned thousand-year variety? If so, I can see your point, and I might let you off with a mild course of penance and self-dismemberment.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Duchess [green]
I heard a rumor you are off in Siberia, handing out Jack Chick tracts translated into Russian. Pray tell me that this isn't so.

It isn't so.

I have had nothing to do with that Amalekitish reprobate ever since he falseheartedly declared in The Round Earth Lie that the yellow horse in the book of Revelation represents custard, and the Pope is a mammal. Something like that, anyway. It was a long time ago.

Perhaps you heard muddled reports about my distributing my own new tract Damn Your Child the Teletubbies Way in Mitcham.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Ken
By the way, Rev. Gerald, I notice you never explained the reason for your recent unwonted lack of attention to the flock.

Your noticing faculties are faulty.

Should I tell the assembled devotees about that very strange man passed out all weekend in the corner of the Rising Sun in Loampit Vale?

If you like. Sounds like Kenny to me. It's not terribly good for his health that kind of behaviour, but its probably better than staggering up and down the street yelling incoherent obscenities and ineffectual curses at passersby.

You're not that fellow in the dirty anorak who's been running off with my rubbish and crouching behind the postbox with a polaroid camera, are you?
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
What we need to explore in greater depth are your problems maintaining patience, humility and self-abasing veneration of spiritual betters, rather than baying disrespectfully for their attention when they are attending to other business.

There is nothing wrong with my patience, humility or ability to venerate my spiritual betters, Mr. Ambulance. I can assure you that my cats have taught me more about these matters than you ever could.
 

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Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Dear Very Reverend Dr. Ambulance,

My girlfriend likes to go to church with a tamborine. Oh, and with me, too. Anyway, that's all good at our regular church, Fire-baptized Holy Ghost Family Revival Center in Jesus Name, Inc.

However, we are going in the next few days to a service at St. Victoria Episcopal Church. Yes, it's very high church. And she insists on taking her tamborine.

Did I mention it's a funeral?

What shall I do?
 

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Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
kick her out.

to the street.

and then run.
 

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Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Infidel, I will not listen to the counsel of the ungodly, but will await the wisdom of the Very Reverend.
 

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Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Mark, what do you and your girlfriend do with the tambourines? I'm guessing that the Rev needs this information, but I'm not sure.

Rev Gerald, this brings me to my problem. I have no idea how to behave sexually and Jesus offers no example for me to follow. So I want to follow your example. Exactly. Please tell me exactly how you behave sexually so that I can do the same exact thing and know for an absolute certainty that I am good and Godly. Pictures are unnecessary but a detailed schedule would be helpful. If you don't mind, please answer this question in less time than you took on my last one. If it takes you a month, I'm sure that I'm going to sin in the meantime.

Thanks.
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by MarkthePunk:
Infidel, I will not listen to the counsel of the ungodly, but will await the wisdom of the Very Reverend.

---

Sorry. MR Ambulance has not been made a Dean to the best of my knowledge. He's not even Anglican. Therefore he cannot be Very Reverend.

Just remember, Ambulance, that being "Reverend" in any sense comes only from being respected. You haven;t even my respect to be a Reverend, let alone a Very Reverend (titles in the Church of England not withstanding...).
 

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Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Hmmm. Well, should I call him Apostle then? We have Apostles come through all the time at Fire-baptized Holy Ghost Family Revival Center in Jesus Name, Inc. Is he one of those?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Duchess
Please give a 35 year old lady some pointers on staying pure, single and holy. Your sage advice is sorely needed.

Yes, it is. Few things would have a greater impact on the world than if all sons of man (and woman these days!) (and daughters (of both), more to the point) would come together to give ear (and heart more importantly) to the words of the Almighty and seek the heart of Rev. Gerald Ambulance.

I'm glad that sentence is over, I was getting deeply sick of it.

OK, here is the mighty sacred counsel that the Spirit would really speak into your situation (if he could get through to you without my help).

NB To any offspring of perdition doubting whether this is truly of the Lord: notice the telltale sign that he is in it. There are three points all beginning with the same letter.

1. Avoidance Have no contact at all - physical, social, emotional, eye, virtual - with the opposite sex. Or your own, just in case. Use any means available to help you achieve this: solitary confinement, body bags, mountaintops, stylitisation, death, whatever.

2. Aversion
Your second line of defence, should potential fornicators get through, is to be as physically repulsive as you can manage. I have no idea how much work this will take in your own case, but in general I suggest wearing spots and stripes, red and green, gravy stained nylon and lycra. This is a tactic that Sibling Bill Sweetie at St U's has perfected and promoted over years of triumphant celibacy.

3. And special underwear
For the last-ditch resistance to the eternal assault on your purity, RGA Ministries do a lovely line in underwear with a message: "Property of Jesus" pants, "Would you do that to the Blessed Virgin's?" bra, and the "My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit/so please don't damn yourself in perpetuity by desecrating it" twinset.

How does one make this a sacrifice of praise to God?

Just do it, really.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Laura
In connection with the issue of Bible translations, I recently found an "Empress Catherine" version of the Bible at a used book stall, which proved to contain what I thought was an unorthodox translation, especially of the following passages: 2 Samuel 8:4 and 2 Kings 3:7.
Is the ECV, to your knowledge, an authorized version?

More Orthodox than orthodox, I believe.

You have the gift of subtlety in great measure, Sibling. Use it for Jesus.
 

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Posted by Laudate Dominum (# 3104) on :
 
Rev. Gerald,

The organ is often inordinately loud when it should not be, and while it does not go flat or sharp, the chords played on it are often quite hideous to the ear. The organist insists that the music is not meant to be atonal, it just comes out that way. Oddly enough, when the bishop visited on Sunday, the organ behaved quite well.

No, I have not attempted to lay hands on it myself. I do not have a gift for exorcism--my only previous attempt at dealing with a demon turned out rather badly, and I would really rather not talk about it, or ever try anything like it again.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Zach82
My question dear His Holiness Rev Gerald, is how one should properly implement the music-video-scripture system. How would one bearing the Sciptures in the procession carry the entire vido-cassette-projector aloft, considering the projector's weight?

1. The video-cassette-projector is borne aloft on a large, appropriately decorated cloth by the priest on his entrance into the sanctuary.

2. The priest is flanked by his most senior assistants, each bearing a large brass candlestick.

3. The priest lays the projector on the floor before the altar.

4. His assistants fall upon it with the candlesticks and beat it to a mangled wreckage.

5. The priest gathers up the pieces in the cloth and passes them to some lay skivvy to dispose of.

6. The congregation sings Shine Jesus Shine.
 

---

Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Dear Revd Ambulance, Gerald Sir.

I notice that you instruct women not to have too close a contact with people of the opposite sex, a few posts ago. I wonder if you would be so kind as to give a practical demonstration of having any contact whatsoever, emotional, physical etc. If you'd like to come round to my place some time soon (I shall especially wear the required 'underwear' you mention for the occasion) and we can test how effective your theories are.

I think your example will be inspirational to this 36 year old woman, and I shall be able, with authority to communicate what I learn from your reverendship to others.

What say you, Rev?
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Get thee in line, Anselmina! No follow-up to you until my question is answered!
 

---

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
Ooh Jim, I don't think the Reverend is governed by such frivolous details as queues and time. He is moved by the spirit, clearly. Sometimes you have to wait for a long time for the spirit to visit...a bit like waiting for a bus perhaps...but one without a timetable...or a conductor...or an engine...

Maybe you could just pray for guidance...while you are waiting...maybe you might just as well pray for guidance anyway...
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
...

1. The video-cassette-projector is borne aloft on a large, appropriately decorated cloth by the priest on his entrance into the sanctuary.

2. The priest is flanked by his most senior assistants, each bearing a large brass candlestick.

3. The priest lays the projector on the floor before the altar.

4. His assistants fall upon it with the candlesticks and beat it to a mangled wreckage.

5. The priest gathers up the pieces in the cloth and passes them to some lay skivvy to dispose of.

6. The congregation sings Shine Jesus Shine.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Anselmina:
Dear Revd Ambulance, Gerald Sir.

I notice that you instruct women not to have too close a contact with people of the opposite sex, a few posts ago. I wonder if you would be so kind as to give a practical demonstration of having any contact whatsoever, emotional, physical etc. If you'd like to come round to my place some time soon (I shall especially wear the required 'underwear' you mention for the occasion) and we can test how effective your theories are.

I think your example will be inspirational to this 36 year old woman, and I shall be able, with authority to communicate what I learn from your reverendship to others.

What say you, Rev?

---

Hey girly, I think he means the granny underwear Bridget Jones wore, that Daniel Cleaver made fun of [in the movie]. Let's start a trend!

What great advice! I will follow it at once since you are right, I seek the Rev's heart ...on a platter...
 

---

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess [green]:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Anselmina:
Dear Revd Ambulance, Gerald Sir.

I notice that you instruct women not to have too close a contact with people of the opposite sex, a few posts ago. I wonder if you would be so kind as to give a practical demonstration of having any contact whatsoever, emotional, physical etc. If you'd like to come round to my place some time soon (I shall especially wear the required 'underwear' you mention for the occasion) and we can test how effective your theories are.

I think your example will be inspirational to this 36 year old woman, and I shall be able, with authority to communicate what I learn from your reverendship to others.

What say you, Rev?

---

Hey girly, I think he means the granny underwear Bridget Jones wore, that Daniel Cleaver made fun of [in the movie]. Let's start a trend!

What great advice! I will follow it at once since you are right, I seek the Rev's heart ...on a platter...

---

I am deeply shocked. My sisters are indulging themselves in conduct both lustful and uncharitable. Surely the Rev Gerald wil remain unmoved (in all senses of the word)in purest fraternal love for his siblings Anselmina and Duchess (green).

On the other hand I am prepared to open a small book (of the non-religious variety)as to the outcome...

After prolonged reflection I have a poser for the Rev.

I sit on a parish committee with my ex whatever (for my feelings are confused towards this [ insert appropriate epithet here]). Do I frustrate his knavish tricks at every opportunity, do I smile enigmatically at him and get him really worried ... or do I just smile?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
ChrisT
How far is too far? I speak, obviously, of the verse that states 'If a man presses you to go with him for one mile, go with him for two'. My dilemma is this; if the man is taking a long walk off a short cliff, and wants me to go with him, should I accompany him on his journey to an unfortunate end?

A worthy and biblical question, beloved sibling. I have sought the Lord's heart for you, and found it in the lefthand side of his ribcage, so that's nice.

The answer to your question is that it is in fact impossible to go for a long walk off a short cliff. You can be assured that the walk will stop when the cliff does. Due, the scientists tell us (which does not necessarily make it wrong), to gravity, walking without the ground is impossible.

You may indeed, being a man of God, have the gift of miraculous buoyancy yourself, but you obviously expect your walking partner to have an 'unfortunate end', and so we can assume that he does not. (Is it wise to mix with such people?)

Thus you can accompany him to the edge of the cliff, and though he may go further, and in fact go quite a long way in the dierction of downwards, he will be plummeting rather than walking and so the injunction of Our Lord doeth not apply.

I hope this helps.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Juice
I have been lately dealing with temptation concerning my finances. Namely, I have been feeling temptation to give large amounts of money to your ministry, which is money that I feel could be better served in buying beer and other things for myself, which is my right as an American! How may I mortify the flesh and overcome this temptation?

Some temptations just cannot be overcome no matter how hard you try, so you might as well just give in an save yourself the struggle.

[Amanuensis duties]

[ 29. November 2002, 12:30: Message edited by: SteveTom ]
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Bear
I have been making a little avatar gallery suitable for use by shipmates. I was wondering if I might be allowed to draw people's attention to 3 lovely Rev. inspired avatars.


Yes.

[No.]

[ 30. November 2002, 01:05: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

---

Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
Mr. Ambulance...

What has happened to your avatar?

Has it been raptured?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Cow

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
<yadda yadda yadda>

---

You have the gift of interpretation in mighty abundance, sibling. Let us join in thanks for that word.

Not tending your flock caused me to get a load of distraught emails from the pathetic lot who follow you.

I think complaining to me about emails from my wayward and incorrigibly gormless followers is as misdirected as their complaining to you about my absence, isn't it?
 

---

Posted by ThatsMrJuice2U (# 3076) on :
 
Right Reverend (or Left Reverend, whichever you prefer):

There is something else I must humbly ask. I have been watching the Teleevangelists Network on TV, and as I watch the women who frequent these shows, with their beautiful big hair and all those layers of wonderful makeup, I have to admit that I have had feelings of lust in my heart. How can a young man keep his way pure in the face of such temptation?

Your servant,
Mr. Juice
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Yo, Rev.

What is the proper and Godly way to keep all your sock puppets in order, so that you don't post under the wrong name?

Viki
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Me next! Me next! Me next! Me next!
 

---

Posted by duchess [green] (# 2764) on :
 
Jim T, whatever it is, it can wait. Patience is a joy. Have a beer while you wait.
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Whatever it is?! You would trivialize the my momentous suffering? Heartless one!!

quote:

---

Rev Gerald, this brings me to my problem. I have no idea how to behave sexually and Jesus offers no example for me to follow. So I want to follow your example. Exactly. Please tell me exactly how you behave sexually so that I can do the same exact thing and know for an absolute certainty that I am good and Godly. Pictures are unnecessary but a detailed schedule would be helpful. If you don't mind, please answer this question in less time than you took on my last one. If it takes you a month, I'm sure that I'm going to sin in the meantime.

---

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
 

---

Posted by duchess [green] (# 2764) on :
 
Jim T, I think if you look at the post the Great Rev. addressed to me, you will find your answer. [hint: I am sure he is speaking from past experience].

Perhaps this will quench you suffering a teensy bit.


 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Now you really pissed me off!! All my life I had to share the leftovers from my big sister, who was only 10 months and 8 days older than me!! Have you any idea of the shit you take at six years old for riding around on a girl's bicycle?!? Your trivialization of my pain is now tripled!!!

I hate you I hate you I hate you!

I want my own I want my own I want my own!!!
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Tomb
And please, dear "reverend" sir: don't call me "sibling."

You mistake me, "host". I don't believe I made any reference to your being my sibling.

You (or your döppleganger) may have obtained administrator status by means of heaven-only-knows what sort of leverage, but you surely realize that if your thread is bleeped out, there will be little for you to administrate.

An interesting threat and which I would very much like to take you up on. But again you mistake. Neither I nor anyone affilated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Rhisiart
Whilst perusing the shelves of the local SPCK bookshop, I found a copy of your most esteemed and inspired volume of thoughts and strictures ("My Ministry Manual") for us poor followers of your way. To my horror, it had been 'remaindered' - reduced in price to a mere £2.99.

How very interesting. I do like to hear such stories of The Book.

Similar tales have reached me from Chester SPCK, where apparently one copy of The Book was seen to weep lemonade. (Lab tests revealed that it was in fact cream soda, an even more bounteous outpouring.)

And in Berwick-upon-Tweed I hear the natives have taken to worshipping it as a god after it was seen to heal a local youth worker of stigmata and ward off an impending cold snap. Not of course that I approve of idolatry, but you can see where they're coming from.
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
From: Janine
Deepest South Louisiana

To: Dearest (only, really) Gerald Ambulance
Heaven Knows Where

Sir:

The Rev. Jerry Fallwell (of U.S. Moral Majority fame) has been known to say that he would gladly preach in Hell, if only they'd let him out afterwards.

Notice any similarity between your efforts to edify a flock here and Fallwell's philosophy?

Just wondering...
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
In stupor, tomb cools himself with a fan made from the skin of some Stupid Shipmate (he forgets which; they all run together after a while). The Rev. Gerald has actually written to him! And more than the infantile, slyxdexic signature scrawled on a hell-tithe check! He feels so honored:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Tomb
And please, dear "reverend" sir: don't call me "sibling."

You mistake me, "host". I don't believe I made any reference to your being my sibling.

---

quote:

---

That silly Elmer Gantry wanna-be quotes me, then continues:
tomb's immortal words:You (or your döppleganger) may have obtained administrator status by means of heaven-only-knows what sort of leverage, but you surely realize that if your thread is bleeped out, there will be little for you to administrate.

Jerry replies: An interesting threat and which I would very much like to take you up on. But again you mistake. Neither I nor anyone affilated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by JimT:
<snip!> I hate you I hate you I hate you!

---

No worries. I am sure that the Good Rev. will walk over to your post soon. Thx though for making my day with you nice ranting.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
JimT
I have no idea how to behave sexually and Jesus offers no example for me to follow. So I want to follow your example. Exactly. Please tell me exactly how you behave sexually so that I can do the same exact thing and know for an absolute certainty that I am good and Godly. Pictures are unnecessary but a detailed schedule would be helpful.

The time of waiting is over, Sibling, and the light of Gerald shineth upon thee. Enjoy the mountaintop experience while it lasts, for soon you will be having to carry on with the depressing mundanefulness of life as normal.

However, I fear my word of truth may be a disappointment to you, for you ask me to outline, explain and schedulise how I "behave sexually", and the answer is "I don't". There's little to schedule there.

So instead let me tell you the story of a good friend and colleague of mine who is the minister of a church I'm sure you won't have heard of, named Rev. Gerard.

Once he had to counsel a divorced lady called Marj who had started coming to his church and was experiencing feelings of adequacy. Over the weeks he seemed to feel an emotional bond developing between them - an alarming thing between a pastor and his flock!

What could he do? If he stopped, where else could she turn for words of correctfulness?

But he knew it would be wrong to compromise his international holy mystique by opening the door to earthly weaknesses, so in the end he decided to see her one last time and give her a WWGD? wristband so that she would have always know the true path and no longer need his words of insightfulness.

He phoned her up and asked her to come around so that they could finally conclude this business. I think at this point there may have been some crossed wires. Because when she came, she stepped inside and shrugged off her fur coat, beneath which she appeared to be wearing nothing but the armour of the Lord.

This at least is the impression Rev. Gerard gathered in the split second between the coat hitting the lino and him turning and running screaming into the kitchen and throwing himself through the window.

Fortunately for everyone, Marj never came back to the church after that, and no one knows what happened to her. Let us leave this weak fleshly woman in the hands of the Lord.

I think my colleague's response to a tricky pastoral scenario was probably wise and an example to us all, bearing in mind that he was entirely unprepared for it. Of course, he is now fully prepared, though it has never happened again. He certainly has no regrets about the way he handled it, though he occasionally catches himself gazing wistfully into his Flora of a morning, and Genesis 3:21 has been known to bring a tear to his eye.

I hope this helps.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Nunc Dimittis
Just remember, Ambulance, blah blah blah....

Be assured, Dimittis, I shall give your words the full weight they deserve. And I pray, as some papist once almost said, that when your allegiances have stopped turning they will be facing the right way.
 

---

Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Your Reverence

The church singles scene in this neck of the woods is – frankly – a bit woeful, and I was thinking that seeing as I live down the road (or more precisely, up the hill) from St Ursula’s, maybe this Sunday I should hang a left at Brockley Cross and pop into St U’s to check out the talent. In order to make sure any decision I make is suitably Spirit-led I would be most grateful for your honest opinion on the single men at St Ursula’s and whether you think they are in any way suitable prospects.

Desperately (er, I mean gratefully) yours,

JTL

PS Did I just say “check out the talent”? I meant, of course, “worship our Lord”.
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Rev Gerald:

Thank you for sharing your inspiring parable. You know, it is a small world full of so many coincidences:

quote:

---

Fortunately for everyone, Marj never came back to the church after that, and no one knows what happened to her. Let us leave this weak fleshly woman in the hands of the Lord.

---

Would you believe it? My wife's name is Marj!

You don't think...oh no...
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Anselmina
I notice that you instruct women not to have too close a contact with people of the opposite sex, a few posts ago. I wonder if you would be so kind as to give a practical demonstration of having any contact whatsoever, emotional, physical etc. If you'd like to come round to my place some time soon (I shall especially wear the required 'underwear' you mention for the occasion) and we can test how effective your theories are.

Hmm. Bless you for the invitation, O woman of foolishness, but it would be rather like trying to teach the principles of healthy eating by tucking into a raw chicken breast, don't you think?

I shall, if it's all the same to you, content myself with my own well-cooked meat and two veg, and pass over your proffered - actually I think this metaphor has run its course, don't you?

Thanks but no thanks, is what I'm trying to say. It's of vital importance in this job to know your limitations and weaknesses, and although I don't have any myself, this allows me to be all the more aware of other people's, which is why I shall have to decline your well-meant invitation.
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Nunc Dimittis
Just remember, Ambulance, blah blah blah....

Be assured, Dimittis, I shall give your words the full weight they deserve. And I pray, as some papist once almost said, that when your allegiances have stopped turning they will be facing the right way.

---

Ms Dimittis to you, sirrah.

And what on earth is your second sentence supposed to mean, pray? I always let my allegiances go where they will; I believe in freedom of choice, not just for me, but for all of mine...

And what is the "right way" in your view? Who are you to dictate to me?

Down sirrah, down!
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
Rev. Gerald,

Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?

Thanks ever so much.

Don't think of it as a brutal act of aesthetic censorship, but rather as a merciful alternative to what will happen if you keep annoying tomb.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Duo Seraphim
I am deeply shocked. My sisters are indulging themselves in conduct both lustful and uncharitable. Surely the Rev Gerald wil remain unmoved (in all senses of the word)in purest fraternal love for his siblings Anselmina and Duchess (green).

Now now, Sibling Duo, do not judge your siblings, and point the finger of condemnation at those around you who are trying their best. That's my job.

For are they not showing their love and devotion to the one set over them in the Lord in the only way their fallen womanhood knows how? I for one respect that and think they should be given room to fail.

I sit on a parish committee with my ex whatever (for my feelings are confused towards this moose). Do I frustrate his knavish tricks at every opportunity, do I smile enigmatically at him and get him really worried ... or do I just smile?

It's hard for me to know what you do as I've never been there. Don't you remember?

If he is performing knavish tricks, I certainly hope you frustrate them whenever you can. Especially if you mean card tricks, as these are well-known to originate in the occult and lead innocent little children into black magic. Why not stand behind him and say, "It's in his pocket", "There's a mirror on his shoe" or "He gets his secret powers from Beelzebub"?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Stoo
What has happened to your avatar? Has it been raptured?

No it hasn't. I felt led to veil my face unto my people for a time lest they become fixated on the outer Gerald, and fall into a snare.

For while there is an important difference between venerating images and worshipping idols, it is largely one of spelling.

This time of withdrawing my face from ye was, I feel, very worthwhile and the Lord was in it. However, I then discovered who it was that had broken into the internet and nicked my picture, and sent the elders round for a 'chat'. It was agreed, as they sought the Lord together in frank and open prayerful fellowship, that the image would be returned unto its rightful place, and the baseball bats unto theirs. So that was nice.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
MrJuice2U
Right Reverend (or Left Reverend, whichever you prefer)

Both right and reverend are pretty accurate descriptions.

I have been watching the Teleevangelists Network on TV, and as I watch the women who frequent these shows, with their beautiful big hair and all those layers of wonderful makeup, I have to admit that I have had feelings of lust in my heart. How can a young man keep his way pure in the face of such temptation?

Don't watch the Teleevangelists Network on TV.

Really, I'm wondering if people might be getting a little over-dependent on my words of correctfulness.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Cow
Yo, Rev.
What is the proper and Godly way to keep all your sock puppets in order, so that you don't post under the wrong name?

I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask about that, are you?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Tomb

quote:

---

Neither I nor anyone affiliated to me makes any claims to be the administrator of an internet conversation thingy. I am in international spiritual crusader, and I leave such concerns to those who are content with that calling.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Dimittis
I always let my allegiances go where they will... And what is the "right way" in your view?

To me. (Thanks for asking, though I'm surprised you have to after all this time.)

Who are you to dictate to me?

Rev. Gerald Ambulance

---

quote:

---

Now that's everything up to date, I believe.

---

What about me?!!!
Listen, I live in Brockley, I need all the help I can get!
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
Rev. Gerald

(but only in an admiring-as-a-fellow-believer and not a worhsipping-at-his-feet type manner)
 

---

Posted by duchess [green] (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

For are they not showing their love and devotion to the one set over them in the Lord in the only way their fallen womanhood knows how? I for one respect that and think they should be given room to fail.

---

Fallen womanhood from a man obsessed with labeled underwear?
You have an active imagination, my dear fellow.
 

---

Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Hmm. Bless you for the invitation, O woman of foolishness, but it would be rather like trying to teach the principles of healthy eating by tucking into a raw chicken breast, don't you think?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
RooK
Could you be so selfless as to tell me the best spot along your regular travels where I might conceal myself such that I could sneak up behind you and bash your brains in?


No.

---

quote:

---

What, he'll call me a silly man again? Doesn't seem like much of an alternative to me.

---

No, much much worse: he might get nasal. I really hate it when he does that. It must be avoided.
...OH...!
You thought I meant I was concerned about mercy that you might receive. That was awfully stupid of you, wasn't it?
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Rook.
 

---

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
Dear Rev Gerald,

Have you any words of advice for a sistern who has been recently (if temporarily) elevated to the ranks of the exalted? (Hosts for you uninitiated siblings).

Being a small though solid pillar of the local church, I fear for my integrity and purity of mind during this cruel exposure to the coarse ways and worldly wiles of the mass media. (That rabble in the nativity play, in other words).

WWGD in this situation?
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
....If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and mindbogglingly incompetent, but he has several redeeming (though not in the theological sense) features. He is cheap. Actually, that's only one, isn't it? But in these days when the work of the Lord is strapped for cash, it is enough.....

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:

If you are trying to demonstrate to me the incompetence of my amanuensis Stephen Tomkins, it's all right, I actually already know. He may be a heathenish reprobate, a pain in the Balaam's ass and ....

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Zach82:
Aristotle would say that the woodchuck would chuck the right amounot of wood, given the consequences of chucking too much wood and the consequences of chucking too little.
Zach

---

at last, the basis of my Aristotal coursework!
[/tangent]
 

---

Posted by ptarmigan (# 138) on :
 
Chucking too much wood would confer no evolutionary advantage on the postulated woodchucking woodchuck, so I suppose a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck should chuck (if a woodchuck could chuck wood).
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 
However the uncertainty about the ability of a woodchuck to chuck wood, leads me to believe that a woodchuck may not be able to chuck enough wood, since a woodchuck does not seem to be evolutionarily fitted for chucking wood. Therefore a woodchuck could not chuck as much wood as a woodchuck should chuck.
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
If we're speaking about the amount of wood that a woodchuck should chuck, then we need to look at the wood in question.

But seeing as he doesn't exist, the question is moot.
 

---

Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
But why are we talking about woodchucks (or wood chucks for that matter)? Rev Gerald (for his thread this still is) still hasn't answered my question

Makes me wanna chuck.
 

---

Posted by duchess [green] (# 2764) on :
 
Golly gee, this thread has taken an unbelievebly LAME TURN. The upchuck woodchuck tangent running through it truly convinces me I am in HELL right now.



Hopefully Mister Multi-sock-puppet Rev. G will come to our rescue shortly.

duchess // biting the hand that feeds
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Well!

I am happy to report that, in spite of my decision to step down as a hellhost, the Rev. Gerald's tithe checks continue to show up regularly in my accounts.

Direct draft is a lovesome thing, God wot. And faxable letters of credit are such glorious instruments of, er, financial balance.

So, all you deluded Shipmates who have been sending that polysyllabic simoniac money, send it to me, instead. I'll get it eventually.

Love,

tomb
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
And on that note tomb, allow me to take this opportunity to remind you that, under the terms of your contract as a hellhost emeritus, the checks from Gerald are to be split four ways (with RooK as well) instead of three ways.

Please amend the amount you send accordingly.

Thanks,

Viki, still waiting for an apology
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
I never agreed to any such thing.

And, as I recall, when you became a Hellhost yourself, I told you that you would need to develop your own sources of income based on your own ingenuity and innate abilities to intimidate/ persuade/ threaten/ terrorize/ cajole shipmates.

And if you think for one instant that you can extract so much as an old-fashioned ha'penny out of me, you clearly didn't learn your lessons very well when you were my protege.

What apology?
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
I find myself wondering if avoiding the annoyance of having possessive "it's" inserted into his posts might be worth some -er "generosity" from tomb...
 

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Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Look sweetheart, let's remember exactly who has editing powers around here?

Perhaps you'd like your posts simply disappear into the whirling maelstrom? Wood was rude, and look where he is now. Or to be more precise, look where he isn't.

Now, where were we? Ah yes, you were splitting the check from Gerald four ways instead of three.
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
RooK, you are truly an evil man. I can bear up under the criticisms of solecisms, however.

As for you, Sarky, to paraphrase one of our former, failed presidents, not gonna happen; not gonna happen.

Would it shock you to learn that I don't give a rat's ass about disappearing posts? I have no hopes for my posts on this thread, other than to annoy you. To keep you humble. To remind you where your skills came from.

This is also why God made Switzerland (and Grenada, btw). You'll never get the cash, sweetie. buck up
 

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Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
<snip>to paraphrase one of our former, failed presidents...

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Isn't that all of them?

(where's a 'sticking-tongue-out' smilie when I need one?
 

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Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 


here?
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

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....Isn't that all of them?....

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No.

{Words cannot express the pleasure I got from correcting the UBB code.}

[ 21. December 2002, 01:04: Message edited by: Nightlamp ]
 

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Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
tomb, tomb...

how the mighty are fallen.
 

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Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
It seems clear that the Hostly tribute proffered by Rev. Gerald is firmly in tomb's dulled talons, and we are not going to be able to drag it from him without making a mess. I suggest that we should not bother.

Instead, I propose a different course.
Rev. Gerald should hereby cease his tomb-tithing, and negotiations for his re-evaluated payments to all the current Hell Hosts should begin. I believe that my fellows and I shall look quite favourably upon Rev. Gerald offering tomb specific observations and advice, preferably at length.
 

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Posted by Nightlamp (# 266) on :
 
I would accept blood which can be converted into plasma. One pint a week would be acceptable.

Nightlamp
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Yes but Nightlamp, you forget how the good Rev. was "ministering mightily in Ibiza" last year...

We don't know what foul and detestable disease he may have picked up.
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by RooK:
It seems clear that the Hostly tribute proffered by Rev. Gerald is firmly in tomb's dulled talons, and we are not going to be able to drag it from him without making a mess. I suggest that we should not bother.

Instead, I propose a different course.
Rev. Gerald should hereby cease his tomb-tithing, and negotiations for his re-evaluated payments to all the current Hell Hosts should begin. I believe that my fellows and I shall look quite favourably upon Rev. Gerald offering tomb specific observations and advice, preferably at length.

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