Ship of Fools: Hell: Old Europe

Thread: Hell: Old Europe Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by logician (# 3266) on :

Don Rumsfeld is complaining about Old Europe. I like that. It conjures images.

A Visit to the Western European Home For the Elderly

France is most noticeable, because she greets you at the door. She has completely forgotten who you are, but always tells you in strictest confidence about the affairs she had with famous men in her day. You’ve been secretly keeping count. The number is quite high.

The Benelux siblings, two women and a man, seem initially to have a graciousness about them. Only after repeated visits do you realize that they are always complaining about the cook. They won’t admit it’s their digestions that have gone.

Switzerland and Austria both still dress for dinner, but the cut of Swit’s trousers isn’t as sharp over the Depends. People compliment Austria on her jewelry, and are polite enough not to mention that she breaks wind an awful lot.

The pension that Sweden’s husband left for her didn’t turn out to be as much as she thought, but she drinks coffee and gets by, uncomplaining.

Germany is the old guy who sits watching TV until you walk by his room. Then he collars you, assuming you must have come to see him, and gives you advice. He thinks you’re his one of his children, and paws at your shoulder with a heavy grip.

Canada and America are 30ish cousins who visit regularly. America is more impatient and tries to cut her visits short. She works at some job that makes money, but they can’t figure out what it’s all about. Computers, maybe. Canada works in some profession the old folks think they recognize, like journalism or chemistry, but they actually have no idea what the hell she does. At least recognizing the name gives them something to talk about. Both America and Canada are living with their boyfriends, but Canada doesn’t advertise the fact. Denmark asks why they never bring the children to visit. Simple. Several of these old codgers scare the pants off children.

Canada and America never visit at the same time, but they talk on the phone.

Great Britain is only semi-retired, and comes as a visitor. He still makes an undisclosed bit consulting, and talks amiably with the others about old times. He actually has done the interesting things and been to the interesting places he talks about, but doesn’t correct the shameless lies of the others. He flirts gallantly with America and Canada when he meets them in the parking lot; he times his visits to theirs, actually. Even though he is too old for them, the North American cousins are quite fond of him, and find only a whisper of humor in his flirtation. What they wish is that there were men their own age like that.

In contrast to Greece, older than everyone in the home but still only a visitor. No one knows how he stays healthy with that lifestyle. He also flirts with the younger women, which they find appalling. France winks and thinks she knows how to handle him.

[ 25. April 2003, 15:38: Message edited by: sarkycow ]

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :

[Snigger]

Posted by Presleyterian (# 1915) on :

You're an evil genius, logician. Emphasis on the evil, of course. Way to make friends and influence people.

But I'm disappointed that you skipped over Italy.

Posted by The Milkman of Human Kindness (# 7) on :

Well, this is where we reveal that Italy, although elderly, is in full possession of his faculties, and runs a porn mag. In fact, he has the pictures of America and the goat.

Posted by The Milkman of Human Kindness (# 7) on :

quote:
The President is taking to us
Through a microphone
Like he's trying to pack his mother off
To an old people's home
- Robyn Hitchcock, written after a speech by Ronald Reagan back in the 80s, funnily enough.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

You didn't mention the Balkans - the men sit all day in greasy corduroys, smoking, playing dominos, and sipping some clear, sticky stuff out of small glasses. Once in a while a fight breaks out, with shouting and cursing and things getting broken. Some of the other residents suspect the sister, Albania, keeps chickens in her room.

Posted by Clíona (# 2035) on :

And you didn't mention Ireland who is running around trying to be everyone's friend at the same time. Relatively young, she believes she will get something in the will, and lives now as if she already had received it.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

And Spain who alternates between periods of dour depression, when he sits alone in his room and mutters endless prayers; and manic periods where he tries to act like a teenager again and comes over like a tedious 1970s medallion man, and gets into fights in bars.

And Spain's slightly younger and much poorer sister Portugal who lived most of her life abroad in Africa and the Far East. She dresses conservatively but has an endless supply of interesting anecdotes about various dodgy blokes she shacked up with - she seems to have left children all over the place.

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

Old Australia- England's daughter- is sitting on the back verandah. She is no where as old as her mother, but she is feeling her age a little. She sits with a hose in her hand, ever watchful for bushfires in the garden below, and eats her vegemite sandwhich with obvious enjoyment.
Every so often, she mutters things like "Crikey! Stone the bloody crows! She'll be apples, mate!" as she watches Steve Irwin, the famous Crocodile Man wrestle crocodiles in the back paddock.

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :

You forgot about the sheep Rowen. The bloody sheep.

Posted by OgtheDim (# 3200) on :

Logician:

[Not worthy!]

Spot on....Spot on.

LOL

Posted by Royal Peculiar (# 3159) on :

quote:
Originally posted by OgtheDim:
Logician:

Spot on....Spot on.

LOL

What OgtheDim said. This deserves a wider audience.

Posted by Peppone (# 3855) on :

Scotland served as a soldier since he before he was out of his teens. Still fit, he can't believe he's living here with all these weak, happy OAPs. He curbs, then feeds, his self-hate with bouts of self-destructive drinking. He's ready for the next war. He knows the world will never change. He loves his grandchildren; they break his heart. They live far away.

Posted by The Milkman of Human Kindness (# 7) on :

Wales still keeps his old rugby shirts and sometimes wears them. Although still blessed with a fine singing voice and a degree of charm, he finds himself so choked by resentment that he has very litle to say.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

Norway is a tall, rather sharp old woman who looks about 20 years younger than she is and isn't afraid to give the youth of today a piece of her mind. She goes walking in the hills in bad weather, and she takes her gun.

She gets really pissed off when people think she is anything to do with that posh retired civil servant in the next flat, Sweden. She thinks he is is a pedantic old bore. Actually of course they did have an affair once - but it was a very long time ago. They fell out over a political argument.

Sweden is on the local Parish Council, and takes a special interest in keeping the village clean and tidy. His hobby is is very valuable stamp collection.

Posted by kenwritez (# 3238) on :

Finland is a short, wiry codger with piercing blue eyes, an endless fund of dirty jokes told in a thick accent, and a bottomless thirst for akvavit. He spends his days tying dry flies in his room and trying unsuccessfully to seduce Norway.

Posted by ThatsMrJuice2U (# 3076) on :

Liechtenstein is a tiny lass, who jumps up at unexpected times and cries "Why doesn't anyone ever notice me?" [Waterworks]

Posted by Presleyterian (# 1915) on :

A woman who fancies herself as having seen fewer years than she actually has, gives young people -- and everybody else -- a piece of her mind, walks around in bad weather, lies about her misspent youth, and tends to break off with men because of politics?

I always knew there was something about Norway that I liked....

Posted by coffee jim (# 3510) on :

Northern Ireland is now out of hospital, having shown improvement on the new meds. Great Britain brings him along now and then to visit Ireland, out of a sense of duty. He's a bit spaced out and doesn't smell too good, but there's room for improvement - after all, he's only in his late twenties. His parents blame each other for letting their divorce screw him up so much, but they've learned to live with the guilt.

Posted by OgtheDim (# 3200) on :

Coffee Jim...that was bloody poignant. [Tear]

Posted by heathen mama (# 3767) on :

Italy shuffles in from the restroom, obviously past his prime, but fancying himself as quite a player. His slicked back black hair, and the alluring smell of cologne attract attention. His mood turns sour when someone (is it Germany?) whispers about Italy's failed military experiences. Italy changes the subject by complaining about his sagging lower half. But just as quickly, he straightens up, smooths his hair, winks, and pinches France's bottom.

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :

quote:
Originally posted by kenwritez:
Finland is a short, wiry codger with piercing blue eyes, an endless fund of dirty jokes told in a thick accent, and a bottomless thirst for akvavit. He spends his days tying dry flies in his room and trying unsuccessfully to seduce Norway.

You forgot that Finland may be an older man, but he is a tall fit giant ready to clobber anyone who talks about timber or saying Nokia is a Japanese phone company over the head with his big fat diesel Danish vodka bottle. He misses Sweden secretly and tries to get Sweden to come back into Sauna with him, saying he promises he will court her like the old days and treat her like the queen she is [Love]

Posted by Zach82 (# 3208) on :

Oh, Logician, we all love you so! [Love]

Zach

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :

quote:
Originally posted by logician:
In contrast to Greece, older than everyone in the home but still only a visitor. No one knows how he stays healthy with that lifestyle. He also flirts with the younger women, which they find appalling. France winks and thinks she knows how to handle him.

I think you have misunderstood Greece. He does what needs to be done but he knows what life is for. It is for sitting in your garden under the vines with good friends, talking, laughing, drinking ouzo, Turkish [Eek!]

coffee and tall glasses of cold water (while commenting on its excellent quality) and eating all manner of mezethes. And when as much as possible has been eaten and drunk, he plies his friends with more.

This relaxed attitude to life keeps him healthy and vigorous, and while the young women fain disapproval, secretly they desire his grizzled looks and his ageless, passionate virility. France knows when she is onto a good thing.

But Germany is a source of distress to him. He comes and buys Greece's little whitewashed villas as holiday houses and paints them that colour grey that drives Germany's children to suicide.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

too good to lose this thread...

Posted by Nightlamp (# 266) on :

Just in case someone thinks of something funny to say I am booting this to the top.

Nightlamp
Hellhost

Posted by Wesley S Chappell (# 4186) on :

Turkey is a bit wily. He lives in the nursing home but most of his flat is in an annexe which backs onto some valuable land next door. America occasionally visits him and bribes him with Werther's Originals to try and be allowed to take a short cut onto the valuable real estate close by. Turkey keeps up a secular front to appease the Christian owners of the home, but secretly keeps a prayer mat under his bed...

Posted by Wesley S Chappell (# 4186) on :

Iceland, Denmark's daughter, lives in a shed right at the bottom of the garden, without any heating or lighting for most of the year.

Posted by The Doctor (# 4210) on :

One of the Benelux siblings is keeping a massive stache of porn under his bed! Great Britain is generally furious but in his mind knows he would really like to have a long look at it in private.

Oh dear, poor Poland, dressing up to look old isn't going to allow you in here. You have too much freshness in your fields, and we like them fallow and exhausted.

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :

Luxembourg generally keeps a low profile, and so is often overlooked. He's often mistaken to be some relation of France, but is actually a cousin of Germany. The landlady isn't even sure all the time exactly which room is his.

Hungary is the long lost twin sister of Austria. She looks rather worse for the wear, although her recent exit from a bad relationship with Russia seems to have been a definite improvement.

Sieg

Posted by Zipporah (# 3896) on :

Romania was once a strong, lively, carefree, independent young woman; however she suffered silently for years in an abusive marriage which only recently ended in divorce. She now suffers deeply from the physical and emotional wounds which are still very raw, and is in much need of care and counselling. She is anxious, lonely, highly suspicious of everyone, yet is desperate for the security of the home and friendship of the residents which she has long missed.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

Lichtenstein sits in a corner and dribbles and drools to himself about how he isn't going to leave his fortune to his uncaring family but give it to the cats home instead. Nobosy notices - or cares.

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