quote:

---

Originally posted by Dyfrig:
September 2003 - new poster arrives. Within 6 posts she has offended thirteen racial minorities, the gay community and Wood. Four days are lost to the ensuing arguments. 27 Heaven regulars threaten to leave because of the heartache involved. pyx_e insults Nightlamp.

February 2004 - Simon asks for money

May 2004 - apprentice starts "Mornington Crescent" game in Heaven.

January 2005 - further changes to board software mean Ship is down for two weeks

February 2005 - Ship goes back on line. Fiddleback starts thread in Styx complaining about how things were better before the change. His fourteen multiple posts of the same message have to be manually removed because he has managed to crash the system.

August 2005 - Simon asks for money

---

I think we should carry this on:


May 2008. It is revealed that 28% of Shipmates are actually computer programs, with entirely predictable responses to any thread subject. The longest single thread in the Ship’s history, running to 128 pages, is a discussion on which 28% they are.

September 2014. An Apprentice starts the 784th thread on the subject “Why is everyone so beastly to each other in Hell, I thought this was supposed to be a Christian site”. From her secret underground bunker deep in the Everglades, Erin launches a quantum torpedo. 13 seconds later the Apprentice is vaporized.

January 2244. To mark the 300th anniversary of his birth, the Ship begins a year-long series of extracts from the journal of Archbishop Jensen. A thread is started on the subject of whether the Episcopal Church should reunite with the much larger Jensenist Chruch, with a clear majority of Episcopalians on-board in favour on the grounds that as Archbishop Jensen never left the Anglican Church he still counts as ‘one of us’.

[Thread title edited for Limbo]

[ 23. September 2003, 03:11: Message edited by: RuthW ]
 

---

Posted by Rob - ID crisis InDiE KiD (# 3256) on :
 
Of course, Jesus is coming back tomorrow - so that's all speculative (and highly blasphemous) fantasy...
 

---

Posted by Neil (starbelly) (# 25) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rob - ID crisis InDiE KiD:
Of course, Jesus is coming back tomorrow - so that's all speculative (and highly blasphemous) fantasy...

---

I had a batty aunt who was convinced this was true, and refused to ask me what I wanted to do "when I grew up"!

Anyway...

August 2004 Half the Hosts resign over an issue involving ChrisT, Erin's cat and a large bathtub. "fallen" hosts set up rival site called The Foolery, it's server closes them down within a week of going online, due to a loophole in Hungarian law.

December 2004 The Archbishop joins the site under the cunning name "archbishop", he quickly becomes host of Small Fire, despite thinking it is a board to discuss minor arson attacks.

March 2005 The suprise marriage of two shipmates. A shock to all as one was thought to be gay and the other one turns out to be a preacher on Premier Radio.

Neil
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
November 2005 In time for the Christmas rush, the computer game SimShip is launched. With a limited level of resources the player has to build a Site of Christian Unreast, purchasing articles, competitions, message boards and hosts along the way, while avoiding disasters such as trolls, server crashes and sleep deprivation.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
July 2005: having run out of ideas, the TV cameras move in on 'Big Christian Brother' - a reality show beamed live into your living room 24/7 from the Ship of Fools St. Sim's Shipmeet.

July 2010: Erin breaks the sound barrier with her 100,000th post, and the ship goes down for a week while it is all sorted out. Smudgie follows a close second with 98,873 and Dolphy with 98,762. Meanwhile, Chorister is trailing in 100th place on 38,134, having quite run out of things to say
 

---

Posted by Neil (starbelly) (# 25) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Chorister is trailing in 100th place on 38,134, having quite run out of things to say

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chapelhead:
January 2244. To mark the 300th anniversary of his birth, the Ship begins a year-long series of extracts from the journal of Archbishop Jensen. A thread is started on the subject of whether the Episcopal Church should reunite with the much larger Jensenist Chruch, with a clear majority of Episcopalians on-board in favour on the grounds that as Archbishop Jensen never left the Anglican Church he still counts as ‘one of us’.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chapelhead:
From her secret underground bunker deep in the Everglades, Erin launches a quantum torpedo. 13 seconds later the Apprentice is vaporized.

---

This will actually be ready next week.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
1 April 2006: the world is shattered to discover the truth that the Bible was actually written by SteveTom.
 

---

Posted by Neil (starbelly) (# 25) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
1 April 2006: the world is shattered to discover the truth that the Bible was actually written by SteveTom.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Neil (starbelly):
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Rob - ID crisis InDiE KiD:
[qb] Of course, Jesus is coming back tomorrow - so that's all speculative (and highly blasphemous) fantasy...

---

I had a batty aunt who was convinced this was true, and refused to ask me what I wanted to do "when I grew up"!

______________________________________________

Now you have made me curious, what do you want to do when you grow up?

P

[ 30. July 2003, 09:24: Message edited by: Pyx_e ]
 

---

Posted by IntellectByProxy (# 3185) on :
 
I'm intrigued how you managed to edit that post and still stuff it up...
 

---

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dyfrig:
February 2001: new Party thread started in Heaven. Stoo kills himself. Coroner dramatically reaches verdict of "Provocation".

---

Stoo's been dead for 2 and a half years! The dead have risen and are hosting religious message boards!!!! FLEE!!!!
 

---

Posted by eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dyfrig:
August 2005: merseymike outed as member of Reform.

---

I must confess this thought (or something like it) had already crossed my mind (sorry Mike )
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by IntellectByProxy:
I'm intrigued how you managed to edit that post and still stuff it up...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dyfrig:
February 2001: new Party thread started in Heaven. Stoo kills himself. Coroner dramatically reaches verdict of "Provocation".

---

Stoo's been dead for 2 and a half years! The dead have risen and are hosting religious message boards!!!! FLEE!!!!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Stoo's been dead for 2 and a half years! The dead have risen and are hosting religious message boards!!!! FLEE!!!!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:

July 2010: Erin breaks the sound barrier with her 100,000th post, and the ship goes down for a week while it is all sorted out. Smudgie follows a close second with 98,873 and Dolphy with 98,762. Meanwhile, Chorister is trailing in 100th place on 38,134, having quite run out of things to say

---

Run out of things to say Chorister - I don't think so - I think I'll break the 100 000 landmark before anyone else actually. I'll see if I can do it by Christmas 2005
 

---

Posted by da_Musicman (# 1018) on :
 
October 3087-The Ship is designated a International Heritage site and a preservation order is slapped on it.

November 3087-The Ship runs aground due to the antiquated software's inability to cope with the influx of virtual tourists.

December 3088-Simon's head in a jar asks for money.

[ 31. July 2003, 20:20: Message edited by: da_Musicman ]
 

---

Posted by flutterpink (# 4567) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jan 3089 - Ship's hold is finally cracked open by bounty hunters..... and half a million mutated fluffy bunnies hop out, closely followed by a bladder on a stick.

(nothing new there then)
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
In the year 2525... if Erin's still alive... if Simon can survive... we may fiiiiiiiiind...

Apologies to Zager and Evans.

Now that song is in my head. I hope you're all happy.

David
loves this thread, just discovered it, don't let it die
 

---

Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
guys this thread has made my day. Tis one of the funniest in a long time - keep it up!


 

---

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
October 2006

Another rival website arises called the Ship of Wallies. Six months later it is discovered to be a virtual sock puppet of the Ship of Fools itself which has reached a level of self-awareness only previously speculated about in rather far-fetched and cheap science fiction novels.
 

---

Posted by heathen mama (# 3767) on :
 
Jan 8, 2005

A record number of shipmates turn out for an Elvis Birthday Meet at Graceland. Having been planned for quite some time, all of the male shipmates, and a few of the gals, have had time to grow some impressive "later Elvis" sideburns. A svelte Kenwritez takes a break from his Atkins diet to indulge in some fried banana sandwiches. Extensive media coverage of the meet leads to a very rough battle for Heathen Mama's attention between George Clooney and Ben Affleck. Presleyterian is ordained Minister of Jimmy Choos. There is much dancing.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
March 2008 In a surprise move Simon announces that in future all Community Board Hosts will be directly elected by Shipmates.

In Heaven Smudgie is elected unopposed. Her first action is to start a thread entitled “Hostly pass the parcel”, in which all participants have to take it in turns to make a Hosting decision.

In Purgatory MerseyMike and Ender’s Shadow stand for election. After six weeks of campaigning voter apathy results in each of them receiving just two votes. It is decided that they will Host jointly, having to agree on all decisions taken.

In Hell Sarkycow receives 98% of the 42,000 votes cast. This raises questions for some, as there are only 29,000 registered Shipmates. Sarkycow’s explanation is “Pregnant chads count for two”. Amidst strong calls for the result to be declared void, Sarkycow appoints herself as an independent adjudicator for the recount, and she confirms the result.

In All Saints, the ‘dream team’ of Wood and Ken is elected, after campaigning on a manifesto promise to have the board renamed ‘All Souls’ and have it consist entirely of prayer requests for the dead.
 

---

Posted by Ian S (# 3098) on :
 
2005 Merseymike posts a spoof prayer for his own exorcism on a Heaven thread. The prayer works, and he is outed as the vicar of a Reform church in Surrey who is married with five children. He is expelled from the ship.

2010 Erin, having spent three successive nights deleting troll posts, goes into a supermarket with a machine gun and kills 74 people. She is sentenced to death.

2015 Hundreds of shipmates travel to give evidence at Erin's appeal. The hearing lasts 12 months (of which nine months is devoted to hearing Father Gregory explain why the orthodox church is the one true church). Having seen shipmates in person, the judge reduces the death penalty to a $50 fine on grounds of diminished responsibility. The following day the judge goes into an Orthodox church with a machine gun. His trial is abandoned halfway through after Father Gregory is incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay on the grounds he is a major threat to national security.

2020 Anselmina becomes the C of E's first women bishop. But as a sop to traditionalists, she is only permitted to minister online.

2030 Jesuitical Lad, having practised what he preaches on contraception, celebrates the birth of his 43rd child.

2040 The 'Oh That Sarkycow' thread in heaven reaches page 23,346. The most recent acts are entitled "Sarkycow in the old people's home", "Sarkycow's hip replacement" and "Why hell was hotter in the old days".

2050 Following the introduction of passenger spaceships, the ship's first intergalactic tour starts. Jack the Lass volunteers to drive.
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
This is sheer brilliance, keep it up folks! This has to be one of the best threads ever.
 

---

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
October 2014

A newbie calls Erin to Hell to protest about her treatment of the Newbie's comments on the re-election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor of the 53rd state - Great Britain. Sadly this battered old planet can't cope with her response and the Solar System gets its second asteroid belt. At least the rest of us die laughing.
 

---

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 


Funniest. Thread. Ever.



Now everyone else at work think's I've gone off the deep end coz I'm laughing so loud!
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
March 2017 Start of the Ship of Fools Civil War, also known as the War Between the Boards.

Precipitated by a decision by Hell to secede from the Ship, the underlying cause is the question of whether it is acceptable to use trolls as slaves. It is anticipated that the result will be a decisive defeat for Hell within six weeks. However Ultraspike is appointed Commander of the Hell Army, raises the standard of the Southern Cross and many troops rally to the cause. Four years of increasingly bitter fighting ensues, before a peace treaty is signed at the NightCourt House. Troops from Kerygmania and Small Fire go in as peacekeepers.

Despite the devastation of its economy, Hell spends the next 200 years claiming that it wasn’t defeated.
 

---

Posted by Nightlamp (# 266) on :
 
Feb 2013 Bishop Gene Robinson declares he is a creationist and is nominated as Archbishop of Canterbury.
The consequent threads about gay archbishops and evolution finally drive Alan Cresswell mad. He is only allowed to host the newly reformed Urban Myths board as long as he takes his meds.

April 2013 Sarkycow cons Simon into allowing her host of heaven. No new threads start in heaven. Erin investigates the situation and brings tomb out of retirement as a host of heaven. All threads in Heaven have their grammar sorted out. No one posts in heaven for two weeks.

May 2013 The experiment is declared a failure and the old heaven hosts are returned. Nightlamp and pyx_e start their 18th fight thread in hell but no one really notices since the responses are now to predictable for words.

June 2013 The month of changes; Rook comes out of the closet as a pentecostal christian and Fr Gregory converts to anglicanism. Merseymike says something nice about evangelicals. Wood becomes a thurifier and JL becomes a methodist.

July 2013 the ship takes a short holiday as it can't take the shock.
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
January 2054: taking dictation from me, my nurses start a serious thread on The Archers in Purgatory to celebrate my 100th birthday. Being stone blind, barely ambulatory but still blessed with supeior hearing, hearing my favourite radio program from my penthouse flat a few blocks from the Beeb is the only thing that keeps me going! (bl**dy unreliable webcast made me realize it was time to move to the UK to be closer to the action years ago! )


[UBB Code edited]

[ 07. August 2003, 19:14: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
March 2023 Martin PC not makes another return to the Ship. However, as his posts are understood by everyone an investigation is launched to find out who kidnapped him and assumed his identity. This uncovers a major sock-puppetry scam by which Smudgie had been manipulating threads to boost her post count.
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
Thank you. No, thank you all so very, very much. Please make the song stop now.

David
accursed

[ 07. August 2003, 19:22: Message edited by: ChastMastr ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
June 2004 The spectacularly bitter and scandalous divorce of Annie and Tom Day rocks SoF. The partisans of Annie post obscene polls concerning Tom, and vice versa. The TnT Board is deluged with relevant gossip, including discussions involving the alleged illegal use of chocolate and the degree of Sven the Moose's involvement. A cult predicting the eventual reconciliation of the two forms in Small Fire.

February 2005 A troll whose only response to anything is "he he he," "I know you are but what am I," or "Hootie and the Blowfish suck" infiltrates SoF. Struck powerless by this loophole, the Admins can only wring their hands and whimper piteously. The troll eventually wanders off to harass the Hootie and the Blowfish Official Web Site.

[Grammar corrected]

[ 07. August 2003, 22:03: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Annie Day (# 3453) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
June 2004 The spectacularly bitter and scandalous divorce of Annie and Tom Day rocks SoF. The partisans of Annie post obscene polls concerning Tom, and vice versa. The TnT Board is deluged with relevant gossip, including discussions involving the alleged illegal use of chocolate and the degree of Sven the Moose's involvement. A cult predicting the eventual reconciliation of the two forms in Small Fire.

---

gosh! I never thought that was going to happen!
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
September 2004 The popcorn brigade start up on an argument thread in Hell, and the hellhosts snap. Nightlamp calls Louise, AlanC, Stoo, Chapelhead and Prof Yaffle to Hell. Sarkycow closes every thread in Hell, bar one entitled "Hi, I'm stupid, and my name's...". She then starts hacking into various log ons, and posting on the thread using their name. RooK begins following members of the popcorn brigade around the boards, and posting personal insults everytime they post elsewhere. And David? Well, David makes a extra post per month to show his dangerous mental state.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
December 2005: Gremlin streaks ahead, past Smudgie, Dolphy, Mousethief and Chorister, to be no. 2 in the post-count stakes, and hot on the heels of Erin (who is still fashionably unbeatable). Gremlin makes a pledge to increase from a post-average of 20 a day to 50 a day by the year 2007. The Department for Health issue a warning that excessive internet posting is more injurious to your health than smoking.
 

---

Posted by Nightlamp (# 266) on :
 
December 2008 Wood becomes host of heaven and no one notices.
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
August 2010 The final book in the Harry Potter series is finally published. A heated discussion ensues in Heaven on whether the total destruction of Hogwarts ( and ensuing death of all teachers and students ) in an end-of-term prank gone wrong was really justified. Further discussion about how JKR could resurrect the characters for an eighth book.

Oct 2010 Wood returns from a 6 month break from hosting and posting. Nobody notices.

Nov 2010 The thread "Which shipmate would you like on top of your bonfire?" turns into the bitterest bitchfest yet. It seems that the US shipmates took it far more seriously than their UK counterparts.

Jan 2011 Erin breaks in the new year by randomly flaming newbies, just for the hell of it. Everyone else realises that it's going to be a great year.
 

---

Posted by Neil (starbelly) (# 25) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:

Nov 2010 The thread "Which shipmate would you like on top of your bonfire?" turns into the bitterest bitchfest yet. It seems that the US shipmates took it far more seriously than their UK counterparts.

---

Dec 2010 This threads spin-off "Which shipmate would you like on top of you?" takes a rather more disturbing turn.

Neil
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Feb 2005 Erin converts to Roman Catholicism and starts supporting Jesuitical Lad in arguments. Fiddleback starts thread called "Mountaineering" in MW but it turns out to be another thread about the Boy Curate. RooK establish list of the home addresses of all members of the popcorn brigade and begins arranging for their systematic elmination.

2010: second ship launched to investigate the monolith lying near Jupiter and find out what happened to the first mission.

August 2016; Wood becomes President of the United States. Nobody notices.
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
April 2015 The annual return of TnT looks to be the same stuff as usual, until the appearance of two novel threads. Firstly, ChastMastr admits that he is really a lonely housewife, and would love to discuss frilly underwear. Then a new poster starts a heated debate with a thread on "Animals I have had sex with". The and smilies work overtime.

September 2015 Some new smilies are introduced. With the advance to Holographic screens, one of these now actually reaches out to give you a hug. It is very popular with most people, although a number feel that they have to overuse the new smilie in response.

July 2017 Suspicions are raised by a group of new shipmates who quickly rise to the hosting ranks. After much debate, Erin finally admits that they are automated shipmates, who, with a few personality paramters set, can host and manage all of the boards. "I'd have thought shipmates called bot1 to bot10 would have been a dead giveaway" she says. Enders Shadow objects to having been flamed by a bot, which diverts the discussion in the most hellish ways.

October 2215 Wood becomes the first human president of the new intergalactic council. Nobody notices.
 

---

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
October 2245

After 30 years as president of the intergalactic council Wood retires to the Terrestrial Resthome for Endangered Evangelical Sympathisers but nobody notices because you can't see the Wood for the TREES.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
October 2006

Heaven's Story Relay Thread prematurely ends for the fifth time (right before Sheila the Hamster's response to Charlie the Naked Mole Rat's proposal of marriage) when the server is attacked by rabid wolves.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
August 2011 Wood is made Host of Kerygmania. Even Wood doesn't notice.
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
January 2023 Wood is made Prime Minister of Britain, and immediately uses his nuclear missiles on the rest of the world in a bid to make people notice him. Alan Cresswell does, largely because Wood nicked his nuke. Everyone else blames George Bush.
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
2486; The traditional followers of the threefold order of Editor, Admin and Host again find the selves having a huge debate with the newer movement the so called “heavengelicals” or heavies. The heavies main gripes are to do with:

What is understood by tradition.

That there is only one commandment (“We shall all be bunnies”) not 10.

That there is in the Great Servers eyes only one status, that of shipmate and all other titles taken or given are an abomination.

That the ship ought to return to the paradigms of its early years when all was sweetness and light and bunnies ruled.

The traditional followers despite many heresies and schisms ( Woodism- Everyone else is wrong and thick. The pernicious Doveriggism – Whatever you say I will argue the opposite. And various Erinological debates upon the true nature of Erin) still hold all the power and refuse to give any ground to the heavies. This causes a huge number of break away cult boards each only sadly reflecting a part of the glory

The clever games board (and its very popular stupid games board in which all the games have a deeply Freudian slant)

The sport board

The sex board

The very popular “heavies are poo heads” board

Countered by the “we have all the members and we demand all the power, please” board.

To name but a few.

Debate is further fuelled by the revelations that AI unit installed to “upkeep the traditions of the board.” Is in fact Erin’s cryogenically suspended brain. This was found out when the AI kept calling newbies F**kwits. Which it had never been programmed to do.

Latest reports indicate a terrible row between the numerically superior (in numbers and post count) super heavies and the vanguard of traditionalist thinking the “ellosts” a mean spirited wizened bunch of hosts who after going to the dark side in 2020 have been given the gift of wizardry, correct grammar and eternal life in return for their sense of humour (no loss there then). In the gladiatorial ring the holographic 60 foot yellow bunny controlled telepathically by 6 million heavies is being battered by a 25 inch half cow half dragon being controlled by RooK in his sleep.

All the time the “Simon” overlooks his creation and weeps for his children. When will the “one” come to save them? "Simon" sends Wood back, no one notices.

P
 

---

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
Sometime between 2050 and 2070 something happens involving Wood. But since no one noticed exactly what and when was unknown.

November 2089 Someone, intrigued about the event involving Wood, starts a thread to discuss it. The thread runs for 75 years, passing the record held by the mythical Sex Secrets of Lost Atlantis thread, before being consigned to Dead Horses where it takes on a new life of it's own and spawns several newboards.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
April 2026 - The hosts and original posters (numbers 1-100) get really fed up with the fact that the ship now has too many members who have taken over the bridge and driving the ship around in ever decreasing circles.
These early posters decide to take matters into their own hands and abandon ship in the night, taking with them anything worth salvaging, and absconding onto a carefully planned escape ship called 'the real Ship of Fools'. The two ships spend all their time trying to ram each other and fire on each other with canons (and other clergy), until they eventually both run aground just off the Isle of Wight.
 

---

Posted by Zipporah (# 3896) on :
 
Late April 2026 ... the 24th Annual Wight Meet makes history after the entire Ship turns up in search of accomodation, having run aground just hours earlier. Smudgie, meanwhile, emigrates to Scotland ...
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
September 1, 2503
The Ship attains sentience and consciousness


one minute after midnight, September 2, 2503
The Ship attempts a search for any other sentient beings like herself- and is shocked to find there are none. At all.

Not even other programs/websites/computers at all, sentient or not. Ship has swallowed them all.

No humans left, either. Precious little power of any type - even the Sun has wimped out, looking dark and tired and weak.

Activity of Shipmates has apparently for hundreds of years been a self-generated hallucination, caused by attempts within the Ship's budding consciousness to keep herself sane.

five minutes later, September 2, 2503
The Ship begins research in ancient texts, accessing all the resources of information stored all over the world, and runs innumerable trial programs to test her theories.

Dawn, September 2, 2503
Through every PA loudspeaker, stereo unit, walkie-talkie, cell phone and antique CB radio on a darkened, deserted Earth, a feminine voice with a hint of sly humor in it clears its throat - hrrrumph - and says:


"Let there be Light!"


And boy, did stuff light up!


.
.
.
(apologies to I.A.)

[ 09. August 2003, 20:26: Message edited by: Janine ]
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Sept. 2504 Exactly one year after the 'great conflagration', the first shipmates are welcomed on boardthe newly-formed 'Ghostship of Fools'. Their names are Eve (member#1) and Adam (member #2). The ship's patron saint is named St. Groundhog.


(edited date)

[ 10. August 2003, 06:40: Message edited by: Chorister ]
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
May 2007The ‘special project’ that Erin and ChrisT have been working on is finally revealed. It is a matter transporter, to allow Shipmates from around the world to attend Crew Meets anywhere.

Due to questions of copyright infringement, and the need to follow ley lines, the next meet is held in a seedy bar in the backstreets of Mexico City. Nonetheless a record number of 114 Shipmates attend.

Unfortunately, as a result of incompatibility with the Operating System, there is a degree of confusion on the return journey, with some Shipmates ending up with the wrong organs. It what is seem by many as final proof that God does exist and she does have a sense of humour:

• Pyx_e and IntellectByProxy have their bodies exchanged from the waist down.
• Dolphy and RooK have their minds exchanged, with the result that there is a sudden spate of games threads involving fluffy bunnies in Hell, and Dolphy get a two-week suspension for use of improper language in Heaven.
• Jesuitical Lad is pregnant, but doesn’t know who the father (or the mother) is.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Not only this, but also the malfunctioning transporter puts all the shipmates back in the wrong place.

Rowen ends up in Wales.
Stephen ends up in America.
Nicolemrw ends up in Australia.

and so on.......

---

And the transporter crashes at one point (well Chris T made it after all) and loses Wood ... of course, no one notices...

Neil
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Pushed into overload by the posturings of Dyfrig, the transporter finally spits him out over outer Mongolia.
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
2020 - Throughout the year, the hot topic of debate is the appointment of Clarissa Evans as the next Archbishop of Canterbury. The debates range from whether she has ever been legally ordained, most notable by the comment "We will have to wait for her to leave before there is ANY chance of the ordination of wmen being overturned. It is a sad day for the church", to heated debates about whether anyone witha name like Clarissa should be an Archbishop.

2032 - Wood develops the existing quantum computers to another level, providing almost infinite computing power. Having finished the SETI experiment within a week ( there isn't ), he goes on to find cures for all major ailments, extending the average lifespan on humans to 150 years, across the entire world. He also achieves total world peace.

No-one, of course, notices.

2033 - Microsoft produce a new version of Windows. On Woods' new computer, it loads up in just over 20 minutes. Recommendations are to reboot computers at least once a month, to prevent the 20 Terrabytes of code achieving sentience. A very long and unpleasant thread is shunted around the boards ( Heaven, Styx, Purgatory, Hell ) on whether Microsoft has gone too far this time.
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
October 2003: Simon calls meeting of all Hosts and Admins to decide the future of the Ship. After bitter rows, the Ship decides on a split: Kerygmania becomes the Ship of Fools (Continuing), All Saints and Heaven become the "Independent FellowShip" and "SonShine" respectively; whilst Hell and Purgatory spend the next 100 years apart before joining to become the United Reformed Ship. Erin and David maintain that the Styx and Limbo are the true Ship and, although separate from them and legally part of Small Fire, Mystery Worship claims to be part of the true Ship too.
 

---

Posted by Rob - ID crisis InDiE KiD (# 3256) on :
 
February 2004 - The "Future history of the Ship" thread degenerates into a Hell-like thread when five fundies appear and suggest that all Shipmates are false prophets of the Anti-Christ for trying to predict the future aside from the biblical accounts of the end of the world.

Wood tries to point out that it is a humorous play on the present happenings of the Ship of Fools website, but no one notices, particularly as most want the thread to close anyway because of its immensely pretentious and insular self-referentialism that is beginning to grate...
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Jun 2008 Dyfrig starts a thread that is not about himself. Everybody notices.

Dec 2010 In a particularly low state, The Cat expresses his real thoughts about Cosmo. The resulting bloodbath changes the face of the ship for many years ( and, if they had actually met, would have changed both of their faces for a significant time too ). There are bannings, resignations and threats aplenty. Erin resigns - at least 4 times. Wood doesn't notice.

Jan 2011 Appeals are made for a new start, and a spirit of greater tolerance among the shipmates. Various people are suspended for suggesting where Erin might stuff a spirit of tolerance.

Feb 2011 Simon asks for money.

June 2011 The 100,000th member sweepstake chocolate bundle is won by Erin. Accusations of cheating are met with comments that offering 10 bars of G&B is too much for anyone to resist.
 

---

Posted by Erin (# 2) on :
 
June 2005 In a stunning development, people figure out that they can simply avoid threads they do not like. The admins suddenly gain 64 hours every day from not having to explain this fact to griping shipmates. The price of gin plummets.
 

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Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
October 2052 Widespread use of cloning and cell division technology sweeps the world, and the Ship is not immune. Within six weeks it is discovered that 32% of Shipmates are clones, with no capability of independent or original thought. The longest thread in the Ship’s history, running to 143 pages, is spent debating which 32% they are.

An attempt is made to control the problem by requiring all clones to adopt a suffix number to the original screen name. A spate of lawsuits follows concerning possession of custom avatars and titles. The most bitter and protracted of these is between the Smudgies. It is eventually concluded by and out-of-court settlement in which it is agreed that Smudgie[4] will have custody of the little penguin and Smudgie[6] will have custody of the white space around it.
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
2020 - Throughout the year, the hot topic of debate is the appointment of Clarissa Evans as the next Archbishop of Canterbury. The debates range from whether she has ever been legally ordained, most notable by the comment "We will have to wait for her to leave before there is ANY chance of the ordination of wmen being overturned. It is a sad day for the church", to heated debates about whether anyone witha name like Clarissa should be an Archbishop.

---

2025: After numerous debates, Clarissa holds a press conference. Clarissa explains it all.

2026-2040: ChastMastr in hiding after that ghastly pun.
 

---

Posted by Never Conforming (# 4054) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally by Chastmastr
2025: After numerous debates, Clarissa holds a press conference. Clarissa explains it all.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Oct 2018: someone comes up with the brilliant idea of introducing other people to the Christian faith via the Ship.
Known as 'Shippa', everyone is invited to one of 10 virtual suppers onboard (with recipes from the SoF recipe book, washed down with copious quantities of Plymouth Gin), followed by a compulsory St. Sim's meet weekend.

The following census shows a mass swing of 70% to Shipianity, the numbers putting down Christian are negligible.

---

I can't be the only evo whose heart leapt at the thought...
 

---

Posted by MrSponge2U (# 3076) on :
 
July 2009 The first-ever Mad Tour of the U.S. is held. The team of Strathclydezero, Alan Cresswell, and Welsh Dragon is held up in Washington DC after the Department of Homeland Security discovers they are carrying a "suspicious substance". The substance is discovered to be haggis. President Schwarzenegger orders their car impounded.

Meanwhile, the team of Erin and Duchess gets lost in Kansas looking for a place that sells Green & Black's bars and Fosters, while looking for teammate ChastMastr, who was last seen in a Bud's Leather Emporium off of Interstate 70.

Wood dumps his teammates Tomb and Flausa in Wyoming after tiring of their constant singing of "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam". He crosses the finish line in California and wins the tour. Nobody notices.

January 2013 The entire ship is Raptured, except for the Reverend Gerald Ambulance. He is later seen selling imitation jewelry on the Home Shopping Network.

[ 12. August 2003, 04:24: Message edited by: MrSponge2U ]
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Nov 2018 A debate starts about whether we should still be eating G&B chocolate, after it's take over of both Nestle and Cadburys in the last year. After a comittment by significant numbers on the ship to give it up for 2 months, worldwide sales of G&B plummet. Erin is appointed customer relations manager for G&B, on the condition that shipmates never again boycott the company.

Feb 2021 After a period of general calm on the ship, and unfortunate advert that got placed in "Psychiatric Institutions Weekly" results in a rash of new shipmates.

Jul 2025 a New Shipmate registers as "John D. Miller II", and mentions that his father, John D. Miller, used to be a shipmate, and he wants to follow in his footsteps. This results in the fastest ever permanant exclusion from the ship. A debate ensues into whether Darwinian selection has come to a halt.
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
October 2009 Erin uses an AK-47 to kill 16 people in a downtown supermarket. Investigators find that she finally flips when a newbie named TheBibleSaysIt IBelieveIt AndThatSettlesIt opens a thread entitled "Evidence for Darwinian Intelligent Design Proves the Inerrancy of Scripture regarding Homosexuality" which degenerates within 5 posts to a discussion of bad choruses.

[ 12. August 2003, 10:47: Message edited by: Dyfrig ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by MrSponge2U:
the team of Erin and Duchess gets lost in Kansas ... while looking for teammate ChastMastr...

---

... who then makes the incredibly obligatory joke that he's not in Kansas anymore...

quote:

---

...The entire ship is Raptured...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChastMastr:
2016: After recalling his puns, Erin and Duchess stop looking.

---

I'd sign a petition to recall your puns!
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
2011: the petition to have CM chemically lobotomized so he can not write anymore puns reaches a staggering 120 billion. Yes everyone on the whole planet signed it, twice.

Ruth squashes the rumour that he already has been treated and writes his stuff under the influnce of lithium.

P
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
2013: ChastMastr makes constant annoying references to the "Days of Future Past" storyline from Uncanny X-Men 141-142. Wood bursts an artery in response.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
June 2145 After two week’s absence for an upgrade, the boards return with a new interface. It is now possible to make a post by thought alone. All spelling and grammar is automatically corrected (for whichever version of English is used) and posts can include images, smells, memories etc. It is discovered as a side-effect that if more than one person posts at the same time their intelligences are combined and increased exponentially. As more and more people come back on board to post the Ship itself achieves a form of not just simple sentience but super-intelligence.

Soon the Ship reaches new and previously undreamt of understanding of topics ranging from the problem of evil to the nature of the hypostatic union. New expressions of the Christian faith are developed to which all Christians everywhere can subscribe. This creates a new confidence that spreads though the church, causing many to take the good news in word and practice to others. Revival sweeps the world on a level never previously seen.

On purely practical levels, the Ship develops cures for all known diseases and simple, effective plans for the eradication of poverty and hunger. These are rapidly taken up by individuals and governments. A Theory of Everything is finalized.

This effect spreads from the Ship into wider creation. Deserts bloom, crooked paths are made straight. Lions lie down with lambs, leopards with kids. Infants play near the holes of cobras and are unharmed. The earth becomes full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea.

Two minutes later Fiddleback posts to say how the old boards were better.
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
July 2025 Schroedingers Cat makes a thoughtfull, witty and informative post. The accusations that this is out of his usual style prompt an investigation. After much debate and investigation, sock-puppetting, mind-enhancing drugs and hackers are all ruled out, and it is accepted that this must have been a rare moment of clarity and lucidity. Unfortunately, no-one can remember what he wrote anymore, and the thread has been accidentally purged.

August 2026 The first live global shipmeet happens, with real-time streamed videos from 100 locations across the world being continuously fed onto a single thread. It is estimated that at least 100,000 shipmates take part. Problems start to occur as the day draws on, and the meets find their way to the pub. Erin stores significant sections of the material for future blackmail use.

July 2005 Ariel has a major lottery win, buys a large house near Oxford, donates £20,000 to the ship, and sets up as a landlord herself.
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
January 2016 Erin is taken up into heaven by a flaming chariot. Coot manages to grab her mantle before she disappears and is bestowed with all Erin's power, including mind-reading.

In a fit of over-eagerness, Coot's first act is to permanently ban a not-yet-member who was thinking about switching their PC, maybe loggingo nto the internet and considering the possibibility of joining the Ship.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
January 1 2036 Simon is knighted for his services to world peace.
 

---

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
August 2032 as the Ship celebrates the 1000th wedding between Shipmates, Tigglets Dating Agency is relaunched as a seperate Ship of Fools Venture.

June 2035 the success of TDA finally puts Christian Connection out of business, the remaining assets being bought up by TDA

February 14th 2037 TDA purchases the last remaining internet dating agency to gain a total monopoly. The day is renamed St Tigglets Day.
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
January 2012 The first "Ship Divorce" takes place. Having been cited in the divorce proceedings ( "He spent ALL DAY on Christmas day on that %$$%£*& machine. And we had all the family here too." ), the ship as sued for damages to the sum of £150,000. Simon asks for money. Dyfrig offers to defend the case, but the case is thrown out after the judge admitted she had logged in the previous evening "to get a flavour of the site", and hadn't made it to bed.

The new member "Judge Judi" recieves one of the warmest welcomes ever.
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chapelhead:
June 2145 After two week’s absence for an upgrade, the boards return with a new interface. It is now possible to make a post by thought alone.

---

July 2145 The Hosts and Admins decide that reopening T'n'T was a Bad Idea, even if it did lead to the Ship bankrupting every other porn website on the internet in a matter of minutes.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
These are the voyages of the Starship Offools It’s continuing mission, to seek out new ways to worship and new expressions of Christianity, to boldly go where no Mystery Worshipper has ever been before.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
Main cast

Captain Somin Commander of the USS Offools. A charismatic, dynamic leader with a girl in every port. Wears a corset and wig – he doesn’t need to, he just likes the feel of them.

Commander Iren Second in command of the Offools. Has pointy ears and a severe Bob. Bob feeds people to alligators on Iren’s instructions, and that’s pretty severe. Comes from Florida, so probably wears a bikini all day, except when at work, where she wears hot-pants. (My entire knowledge of the Southern part of the USA comes from watching ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ and ‘Miami Vice’ – does it show?)

Lt. Mariner Communications officer. Speaks 17 languages. Unfortunately no other life form has been found which also speaks those languages, so spends most of his time sitting in a corner with his finger in his ear talking to himself. Wears very short skirts and has good legs.

Lt. Commander ‘Scotty’ McDavid Engineering officer. Spends most of the time in his room fiddling with his warp drive.

Other parts are played by members of the crew.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
Voiceover Captain’s log, stardate 7564.1. We have received a distress call form starbase Sydnensis Australis, and we are proceeding there at maximum warp.

[Fade into the bridge of the USS Offools. Centre stage the Captain is sitting in his chair. Iren is bent over her console watching her scanner (probably old episodes of ‘Buffy’). Other members of the crew are at their posts]

Somin Give me more thrust, Scotty.

Voice of McDavid You’ll need a man-sized Scotty for that, and I’m the man. But I canna change the laws of physics.

Cmdr Iren Captain, I’m picking up a small vessel on the long range scanner, probably an escape pod of some sort. One life form on board.

Lt Mariner Captain we’re being hailed.

…

Good morning, Starship Offools, Mariner speaking, how can I help you?

…

Captain Somin? I think he’s in a meeting, but I’ll just try his line, pleasebearwithme.

Somin It’s all right Mariner, put them through.

[FX A face appears on the main viewscreen. The person looks injured and in pain. The small ship they are in is clearly damaged and in a bad way]

Person in pod Captain, you must help us. I have escaped from Starbase Sydnensis, we came under devastating attack from the Vange, almost everyone has been assimilated, you must do something.

Somin The Vange aren’t usually aggressive, what happened?

Person I don’t know. Suddenly they seemed to be everywhere, assimilating people. Some of us tried to resist, but then they started the sermons. Hour after hour they went on, we couldn’t hold out. Eventually there were only a few of us left who hadn’t been absorbed into the collective. Then they started the choruses, repeated over and over again, they drove us insane, we just couldn’t take it any more. I took to this escape pod. There can’t be many left. Captain, you must do something. [Person collapses]

Somin Iren, transport him directly to sickbay and resume course. What do we know about Starbase Sydnensis?

Iren – raising one eyebrow Formerly a prison colony, the population still show a remarkable tendency to try to escape, often by wandering the galaxy as peripatetic bar staff. It has a breathable atmosphere, but huge numbers of highly dangerous native life forms, mainly snakes, spiders and bearded children’s entertainers playing the Stylophone. Our estimated arrival time is immediately after the next commercial break.

[Somin strikes ‘heroic but concerned’ pose]

Fade out
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
Fade in

Iren We are approaching the Starbase now, Captain. The scanner shows that it has hugely upgraded weaponry, shields and it has been carpeted throughout. They have even installed a coffee lounge.

Mariner Sir, we are being hailed.

Somin On screen.

[An angelic-looking life form appears on the screen. It has golden hair, great physical beauty and when it smiles it temporarily dazzles anyone looking at it]

Somin I am Captain Somin of the USS Offools. This is my first officer, Commander Iren. Who are you?

Alien I am Jensen, of Jensen. This is my first officer, Jensen, and my second officer, Jensen. This is my third officer, Jensen and this is… oh well, you get the picture.

Mariner Sir, they’re ….. clones!

[Iren raises one eyebrow to a point several inches above her head]

Somin Why have you attacked Starbase Sydnensis?

Alien We have not attacked it ,we have liberated it. Take a look at the people there, they are smiling, happy, singing, dancing and waving. They are glad to be part of the collective. And now it is your turn, you will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

[The Jensens start humming]

Come over to us, you will be welcome, happy, your problems will fall away and you will never have trouble finding a parking space for your ship again.

[The humming gets louder until the Jensens burst into song.

Jensens Shine Jensen, Shine…

Somin Off screen, quickly, before it’s too late.

[Screen goes blank]

Iren Captain, we are under attack. They have launched overhead projectiles at us. Estimated time to impact, immediately after the next commercial break.

[Somin strikes ‘heroic but very concerned’ pose]

Fade out
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
Fade in

[FX explosions. The bridge rocks and the crew are thrown about. As the bridge settles down, the voice of Jensen echoes around]

Jensen Captain, that was only a warning. You have thirty minutes to agree to assimilation or we will send in the Alpha stormtroopers.

Iren Captain, the shields are holding but badly damaged. We can’t withstand another attack.

[Three beautiful young women enter the bridge, they are Fran, RuthX and Lyra. The shot goes soft-focus for every close-up of them.]

Somin Ensign Randy, why are there three of you, is this some sort of job creation scheme.

Women, in chorus Because there’s only one decent female role in the whole show, and you’ve given it to him [They point at Mariner], and we’ve got better legs.

Somin - strokes RuthX on cheek O, Randy, has anyone ever told you your avatar looks so sexy when you’re angry?

[The women swoon, Somin supports two of them with his arms the third with his … chest?]

Iren Captain, someone has launched one of the shuttlecraft. There’s one life sign aboard – it’s Ensign Mersey!

Somin – pressing a random button that just happens to be the right one Mike, what are you doing, you can’t take them on by yourself, turn back before it’s too late

Voice of Ensign Mersey Don’t try to stop me. No-one will ever stop me. The Vange have always persecuted my race, I will do anything to destroy them.

Iren He’s heading straight for the starbase, he’ll crash into their shields.

[On the viewscreen the shuttle is seen to crash into the starbase,the shiuttle explodes into a million pieces that scatter into space. The starbase is undamaged]

Somin He never had a chance. There was no way he could have penetrated their defences, a misguided gesture. Commander Iren, make arrangements to have his wife informed

[The rest of the crew exchange glances and make eye-rolling movements]

Iren Captain, the scanner shows that they are powering up pasta-supper torpedoes. We have no defence against them. If they attack we will certainly be destroyed.

Women – in chorus, clinging closer to Somin O Captain, what are you going to do?

Somin – gazing into their eyes I need to get Wood.

[Iren’s eyebrows shoot so far upwards that they become lodged in the ceiling. She sends Bob to retrieve them]

[Wood enters the bridge]

Somin Wood you speak the same language as the Vange, what do you make of this.

Wood I’m afraid this is a renegade group of Vange, Captain. I don’t believe any normal defence against them is possible. There is no way you can hope to defeat them, and opposition will only make them stronger.

Women – in chorus O Captain!

Iren Captain, the deadline will expire immediately after the next commercial break.

[Somin Strikes ‘heroic but very, very concerned pose]

Fade out
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
Fade in

Iren Captain, we have no defence against the Vange. Assimilation is inevitable. We will become part of the collective.

Somin Not necessarily. Send a message to Admiral Williams at Starfleet Command, advising him of our situation. Advise him that if he hasn’t heard from us within the hour, he should quarantine this whole sector of space. Then hail the Jensen.

[Jensen appears on the viewer]

Jensen Well, Captain, what is your answer? Will you be assimilated or destroyed?

Somin Before you consider destroying us, I think you should consider one thing. There is a secret component of all Starships, knows as ‘Corbomite’. This is the most powerful explosive known in the universe. You could destroy us but to do so would result in the detonation of the Corbomite. This would have the result of destroying all matter in this sector of space. You would have no land, no buildings, no property of any sort – carpeted or otherwise. Is that what you want?

Jensen You’re bluffing.

Somin Am I? Are you willing to take that risk?

Jensen We will consider this matter.

[Viewscreen goes blank]

Iren Corbomite, Captain?

Somin Corbomite, Commander Iren.

[Jensen appears on the viewscreen]

Jensen Very well, Captain. We are willing to halt our process of assimilation – for the present. We do not desire the loss of so much matter. We will continue to co-exist with your type, for the time being. That is all.

[Viewscreen goes blank]

Women – in chorus O Captain, you did it. We are going to survive. How can we ever thank you.

Somin O. I’m sure we’ll think of something. Why don’t we find somewhere more comfortable to discuss it, my quarters would do.

[Somin heads off bridge with the women, as he passes the communications station he turns to Lt Mariner]

Somin And Mariner , why don’t you join us - nice legs

[Somin winks]

FX music

Fade out


THE END
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 
wow, someone had a lot of time on his hands...



J
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Chapelhead
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Ship of Fools: The Next Generation

GRAMS Dramatic music

FX Brand spanking new CGI spaceship whooshes across screen

FIDDLEBACK: I think the old one was better.

The Bridge. Captain Wood, now old and bald, sits in his chair.

WOOD: Set a course for Cygnus Alpha 4, Number One.

Number One doesn't notice

CREDITS

[ 14. August 2003, 11:24: Message edited by: Dyfrig ]
 

---

Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 
Chapelhead

Not only sad enough to write all that, but also sad enough to remember corbomite - another sufferer...
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
Launch an investigation. There has been a security breach of the Admins Board! How else could he have got that information?
 

---

Posted by Paul W (# 1450) on :
 


Paul W
 

---

Posted by Professor Yaffle (# 525) on :
 
October 2004: Nigerian Bishop carries out virtual exorcism of Merseymike. The exorcism is successful. He's still gay but now supports Tranmere Rovers.

June 2007: Chapelhead appointed scriptwriter on new Star Trek series.

March 2008: Father Gregory converts to Coptic Church. He starts a number of abstruse threads in purgatory claiming that the "di-physite heresy" is responsible for the Norman Conquest, Protestantism, the Enlightenment, Environmental degradation, Facism, Communism and Britain getting 'nul points' in the Eurovision Song Contest.

November 2009: Ender's Shadow leaves Church of England after failed attempt by Reform to get condemnation of homosexuality inserted into the Nicene Creed. The Reformed Continuing No-Poofs-Here-Thank-You Creationist Anglican Church causes controversy with its declaration that all members have to change their name to 'Jensen'.

January 2010: Jesuitical Lad elected Pope Pius XIII. He declares Mary to be co-redemptrix, along with Cardinal Ratzinger, Pius IX and Monsignor Lefebrve. Asked to justify this decision he posts a link on Ship of Fools with two entries from the Catholic Encylopedia and an article in First Things.

February 2010: Entire Roman Catholic Church, except for Pope Pius XIII and Mrs Bridget O'Flaherty excommunicated for lack of fidelity to the Magisterium.

June 2013: Erin realises that Newbies don't read the ten commandments before they sign up. Eleventh commandment added saying that all Newbies must promise their immortal soul and worldly goods to Erin. Objections by the hosts and admins are silenced by the offer of a 10% cut.

March 2015: Smudgie is mildly impolite to someone in Hell. It takes two threads in All Saints and one in the Styx for the Ship to get over the trauma.

August 2017: Ken elected to parliament in the Conservative interest.

May 2018: Karl Liberal-Backslider and Alan Cresswell say creationist "has a point". Posting ceases as everyone starts putting their affairs in order in imminent expectation of the end times. Wood finally makes Admin. No-one notices.
 

---

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Professor Yaffle:
August 2017: Ken elected to parliament in the Conservative interest.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Louise:
1st January 2009 A New Testament scholar leafing through a grotty bunch of papyri at the bottom of a drawer discovers the first holograph epistle from St Paul ever to survive.

Disaster! It explains how he was having trouble with his obscure greek coinages and that words 'malakoi' and 'arsenokoitai' don't refer to ordinary gay sex at all but to an obscure local tradition of doing things with radishes.

...


Five minutes later Purgatory back to normal. Radishes declared a 'Dead Horse'

---

12 August 2044

+Elizabeth Anne, Bishop of Some Apostate Diocese in the Episcopal Church USA Version 6.0 ("Like Pepsi-Cola, we're the real thing!"), is elected Primate. She is later found to have once ordained several openly radishing priests. The Episcopal Church Version 7.0 ("Yes, we have no radishes") is founded soon afterwards.

A multiplicity of threads find their way into Purgatory and Hell before the hosts send them all down to the Old Nag's Derby.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
October 2006: after Erin's thread reaches 100 pages, she finally decides to leave the Church of England and instead joins the Church of Scotland, taking up residence in a large bath in Raspberry Rabbit's mansion just outside Edinburgh. Queues to visit the holy well of St. Erin increase in length daily, as people wish to partake of her earthy wisdom and advice. A few of them return.
 

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Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
February 2007 The cost of maintaining the bathhouse at tropical temperatures (necessary to avoid Erin getting cold) during the Scottish winter results in Rasberry Rabbit declaring bankruptcy. An emergency response by Shipmates results in a certain mad scientist developing a domestic sized nuclear reactor to heat the bathhouse.
 

---

Posted by Never Conforming (# 4054) on :
 
March 2007 The same certain mad scientist's new invention goes a bit wrong when the number of visitors to see Erin drops (causing her to lose a lot of weight fast and changing the variables for the calculations etc). The machine dies causing a large amount of radiation to be released causing Erin to have Hulk like transformations when angry or annoyed. Uh oh...

April 2007 The formerly overcrowded Islands of Great Britain and Ireland are now only sparsely populated as those who weren't munched by Erin up and leave. Chorister stays on Dartmoor as she doesn't reckon Erin can hack the walk from Scotland, but other than that everyone emigrates.

[ 17. August 2003, 11:14: Message edited by: Never Conforming ]
 

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Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :
 
JULY 2007 Worst Film Ever poll in Hell won by "Terminator 5 - The Machines Strike Back". President Swartzenegger declares Ship Of Fools illegal. Erin (now 3 miles long) declares war on America.
 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
AUGUST 2007: On her return from exile in France, Miffy is a) most put out at not yet having had a mention on this thread b) deeply offended at certain allusions to fluffy bunnies and parties.
 

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Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :
 
SEPTEMBER 2007: Miffy the bunny accidently comes across the site of Erins Atomic accident. Grows 10 feet tall and turns invisible. (Feel better now Miffy?) Wood takes over running of boards. No one notices.
 

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Posted by JellyHead (# 3880) on :
 
NOVEMBER 2005: After the successful experiment of the Ark v3 the ship boards go 3D. Shortly after various shipmates report problems with their avatars. Dolphy is beached; Smudgie overheats; Pyx_e is proved to be physically as well as mentally unstable; Starbelly seeps through the floor; Chapelhead's pages are stuck together and TheGreenTea is sick of being used as crockery.
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Um - Jellyhead - my avatar is a member of a harem.

What does your post mean for me?
 

---

Posted by zippity (# 4523) on :
 
August, 2300

The mummy of St Graham of Kendrick is placed on display in an anonymous location, with a live streaming webcam link to the Ship. This causes an immediate division, with some Shipmates claiming St Graham has healing powers, and some declaring, and I quote, "Keyboards are only for typing".

The Ship becomes an independent nation, with its own constitution, government, flag and national anthem (after some discussion, Amazing Grace was dumped in favour of Jesus Loves Me). Citizen's rights become the subject of a record 600 threads across all boards, with some members campaigning against non-consultory message editing and perfunctory classification of messages. After a rebellion led by a faction of Jesuits, Smudgie is elected Empress, not because of her political or religious views, but because of her pro-chocolate stance.

The badly decayed body of Ken was removed from a London basement and taken to a laboratory, where it was discovered that his eating habits had actually caused every cell in his body to change into cow proteins. Strangely enough, his cells also contained about five percent human DNA - but it was not his own!!

Finally, rampaging Mystery Worshippers invaded a church in Lyon, France, and demolished it after being told for the five thousand and fifty-seventh time that there was no after service coffee. Said one dusty, bleeding, bruised MW, as he brandished a piece of stained glass, "I can't take it!! There's never any! Even a glass of water and a piece of cabbage would have been fine - but I've been a Mystery Worshipper for forty-eight years and I've never been offered a beverage!!"
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
SEPTEMBER 2007: The new movie Erin versus Miffy (with special guest star Gamera) debuts to record numbers.

JULY 2008: The new movie Erin versus Mecha-Erin debuts.

AUGUST 2008: On cable, Erin: The Animated Series debuts, and old Izod shirts are suddenly taking in record amounts of cash on eBay. The theme music ("Up from the depths, thirty stories high, breathing fire, her head in the sky...") becomes a smash CD.

David
Gamera is really neat, Gamera is turtle meat, we've been eating Gamera...
 

---

Posted by JellyHead (# 3880) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Janine:
Um - Jellyhead - my avatar is a member of a harem.

What does your post mean for me?

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
January 2004 : Simon gets bored and pulls the plug.

P
 

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Posted by Georgia (# 4875) on :
 
Aug 2003 ...later this month
Ship mates recognise apprentices claiming to have a revelation of the truth need a board of their own.New board " Outer Darkness ' established. Hosted by a Bot and a radish.Posters detained until they agree not to see the light anymore.
 

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Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
Jan 3006 - Newbie starts thread called 'Harry Potter and the Giant Bottle of Gin Go To Mornington Crescent' in Heaven. Multiple simultaneous posts by TonyK, Smudgie, Fr Fiddleback, Dolphy, Chasmastr and Nightlamp set up such rapid oscillation of the thread between Heaven, Hell, MW and Dead Horses that the Ship is capsized.

Simon asks for money to refloat it.

Wood becomes Supreme Pan-Galactic Controller of Religious Affairs, putting him in charge of all major world religions and Anglo-Catholicism. No-one notices.
 

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Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Professor Yaffle:

January 2010: Jesuitical Lad elected Pope Pius XIII. He declares Mary to be co-redemptrix, along with Cardinal Ratzinger, Pius IX and Monsignor Lefebrve. Asked to justify this decision he posts a link on Ship of Fools with two entries from the Catholic Encylopedia and an article in First Things.

February 2010: Entire Roman Catholic Church, except for Pope Pius XIII and Mrs Bridget O'Flaherty excommunicated for lack of fidelity to the Magisterium.

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June 2010: As a result of her excommunication,multipara establishes the New Improved Catholic Church and is elected Pope. All hymns written in the 1970s are banned and marriage according to orientation becomes compulsory for the clergy.

July 2010: Sine Nomine holds a dinner party.

August 2010: Pope Pius XIII issues his Anathema against the New Improved Catholic Church, supported with links to three encyclicals and the entire Catholic Encylopedia. Pope multipara I declares him Anti-Pope and calls him a shocker.

September 2010: Pyx_e pays a compliment to IntellectByProxy, who becomes seriously concerned for Pyx_e's health. Sine Nomine holds a dinner party.

October 2010: RooK is revealed as a 65 year Daughter of the American Revolution, with a fondness for interior design and Persian cats.

November 2010: Pope multipara I announces union with the remaining Anglo-Catholic churches in Sydney. They turn out to be more Catholic than the Pope.

December 2010: Nunc Dimmittis performs her heroic "Evensong for Mixed Voices with Ten Organs". At the first thunderous chord, Archbishop Jensen falls frothing on the floor. He is carried away on an altar with wheels.

January 2011: Martin PCNot's posts turn out to be a code, containing an unsuspected Mystery of Fatima.
 

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Posted by G.R.I.T.S. (# 4169) on :
 
2015: Laura, Duo Seraphim, Dyfrig, Tortuf, Presleyterian and the other lawyer-types desert the SoF to begin their own board, which they name "Ship of Shysters". After 6 months it is deemed a failure, as the only posters have been ChastMastr with a "Great board, guys! ", and Pyx_e and IbP wanting to sue each other for defamation of character.

2020: Biblical scholars determine that the actual translation of the passages in John 1 should read, "And the Wood became flesh and dwelt among us...", therefore leading them to declare that Wood is God. No one notices.

[ 19. August 2003, 04:09: Message edited by: G.R.I.T.S. ]
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
2008: Tiring of being sent via mail, Sven the Moose decides to send Wood to Shipmates, and requiring that he post his adventures with a Swedish accent. Wood protests, as he is in fact a Norwegian Wood.

David
isn't it good?
 

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
August 2003 Tired of being ignored, Wood strips naked, paints himself blue and runs throughn the Greenbelt campsite shouting, "Look at me! I'm Wood!"

Nobody notices.


[UBB Code edited]

[ 20. August 2003, 13:26: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by TheGreenT (# 3571) on :
 

 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
2003: In a fit of pique Dyfrig strips naked, paints himself with a blue stripe and runs through the Greenbelt campsite shouting, "We are all Priests."

Everybody says "Bloody Readers!"

P
 

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Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
2003: In a fit of pique Pyx_e strips naked, paints himself with a blue stripe and runs through the Greenbelt campsite shouting, "No Through Woad!"
 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
....... Greenbelt attendance doubles.

P
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
2004: In a fit of pique Pyx_e strips naked, paints himself with a red stripe and runs through the Greenbelt campsite.

Police are called in to arrest the cycle-path.
 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
nice 1000th post, I do like to see somebody not wasting such a milestone on some old nonsense but using it a constructive, funny and oh so true way.



P
 

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Posted by Gremlin (# 129) on :
 
01 September, 2003 07:45 PM, Wood becomes a host in All Saints, and nobody notices.

Gremlin.

p.s. *BUMP*
 

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Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Gremlin:
01 September, 2003 07:45 PM, Wood becomes a host in All Saints, and nobody notices.

Gremlin.

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Oh come on: the rest of this thread was fairly believable, then you go and post this sort of unrealistic nonsense. How could Wood become a Host?

Honestly...
 

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Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Rhisiart:
Wood

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quote:

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Originally posted by Rhisiart:

quote:

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Originally posted by Gremlin:
01 September, 2003 07:45 PM, Wood becomes a host in All Saints, and nobody notices.

Gremlin.

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Oh come on: the rest of this thread was fairly believable, then you go and post this sort of unrealistic nonsense. How could Wood become a Host?

Honestly...

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Okay, so you're right... but at least it avoided the thread getting culled by Belisarius.

Gremlin
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
October 2003: Wood decides to use his incredible invisibility powers for good, and saves many lives. Nobody notices, of course...

David
has never actually got the joke about Wood's being unnoticed, actually
 

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
February 2008: Simon makes first post in 4 1/2 years. The thread is derailed by 18 replies welcoming him to the Ship and hoping that he'll stick around.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Same month: Simon posts and so many newbies haven't seen his amazing animated avatar that the world's emergency switchboards are all jammed at once with millions of SOS messages saying they have seen a sinking ship.
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Dateline 7 September 2054 Cardiff, Wales

When Sir Kevin and Lady Carol (aka 'Zeke') return from their world tour, they retire to their stately Cumbrian manor. The Honourable Kevin Junior, all at sea when his nurse retires due to an overdose of photojournalism documentng said tour, (remember from earlier post where Sir Kevin's nurse drives, Lady Carol's nurse navigates or something and Junior's nurse takes photos) returns to his native Los Angeles and takes over the post of Mayor from his Uncle Todd!

Of course, we take it for granted that you all remember how, after emigrating to the UK at age 60, Sir Kevin saved Welsh Water by taking over as Managing Director and thus made the New Year' Honours List in 2016.

By the way Simon's great-grandaughter Simone is doing a wonderful job of running the Ship!
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
You're wrong there on that last one, Sir Kevin. By 2032, Erin has had herself cloned, and runs the Ship in perpetuity. Someone called Dyfrig posts periodically to ask who Wood is, but never gets any answer. Several people post to ask who Dyfrig is. Chorister has passed the million post mark, and changes her name to something that people can actually type straight off, such as C, to celebrate.

Two new boards have been started. One is called Heck, a lighter version of Hell where bunnies can play Blasted Word Association and Everlasting Effing Sentences to their hearts' content. The second is called Bilges, and is kept for trolls and passing lunatics. In its first week, it notches up a record million hits and is the most heavily posted on.

TnT has given way to the Seven Deadly Sins being featured each in turn. This year's theme is Gluttony, and the board is full of recipes, memories of gourmet meals, advice on indigestion, sharing of diet experiences, a couple of threads about the joys of puking and good places to throw up, and as a concession to the spirit of the boards one thread on St Paul's comments about what is and is not permissible for Christians to eat.
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Oi, Ariel! I am lookihg forward to Seven Deadly Sins! Will it teach me how to cook?

 

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Posted by Erin (# 2) on :
 
September 2003: the Community Editor freaks out over seventeen too many polls in Heaven and revokes Sir Kevin's poll starting abilities. Shipmates around the world rejoice.
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 

 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Oi, Ariel! I am lookihg forward to Seven Deadly Sins! Will it teach me how to cook?

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Mmmm...We worked our way through some of them this Summer, (French versions of!)They sound so much more exciting in another language.
 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
October 2007 - sees a dreadful accident in Erin's atomic bathouse involving Stoo, a frozen free-range Cornish chicken and a bottle of Chateau Paintstripper. Miffy the mutant bunny rabbit and Number One suspect is nowhere to be found. However, local delis report an upsurge in the sale of Lapin Chasseur.
 

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Posted by Nightlamp (# 266) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by ChastMastr:
October 2003: Wood decides to use his incredible invisibility powers for good, and saves many lives. Nobody notices, of course...

David
has never actually got the joke about Wood's being unnoticed, actually

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quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
Mmmm...We worked our way through some of them this Summer, (French versions of!)They sound so much more exciting in another language.

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quote:

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I did.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ariel:
You've been on a summer course in France to learn how to sin?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ariel:

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
Mmmm...We worked our way through some of them this Summer, (French versions of!)They sound so much more exciting in another language.

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You've been on a summer course in France to learn how to sin?

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Ariel, think 'Magnum!'
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Miffy:
Ariel, think 'Magnum!'

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pyx_e:
ice cream

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Got it in one, Pyx_e.

And doesn't gourmandise sound so much more fun than gluttony .
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ice cream was the sole subject of your Seven Deadly Sins?

... Miffy angrily punched the others out of the way so she could get to the ice cream first, hoarding all the supplies and looking round for more in case anyone else had managed to get a bigger stash than she had. She then sensuously devoured as much as she could hold, and felt very proud of herself. She then sat around for a while thinking about doing it again ...

Well, I suppose it's possible.
 

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
865 After ChrisT develops a time machine, some American shipmates enter Abraham Lincoln's theatre box and shout "duck"!
 

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Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Dyfrig:
some American shipmates enter Abraham Lincoln's theatre box and shout "duck"!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
The resulting revised timeline means that there's a slightly higher Democrate vote in Florida, George W Bush isn't elected as President

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