quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:

Merseymike jauntily regards his toppled opponent, savouring the moment before the coup de gras.

---

Coup de gras? That would be coup de grace, dearie. (Put a circumflex over the "a" if you feel like it.) Unless, of course she did manage to get him with that loaded chicken fryer, in which case perhaps it would be coup de poulet gras.

You should know better than to do things like this when there is a pedantry thread in full swing.

Carry on.
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Such violence! This is not PG rated...not even 13. R rated...violence.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Applause! Applause!

Encore.

(The image of Merseymike with a stiletto heal sticking out of his head was particularly, uh, striking, I thought.)
 

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Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
His head?
 

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Posted by snowgoose (# 4394) on :
 
I saw that, RooK.

How about another episode, then?
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon:
His head?

---

That's the way I saw it.
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
Whatever you say. It's all a matter of angles.
 

---

Posted by Presleyterian (# 1915) on :
 

quote:

---

I am RooK's smirking revenge.
I am RooK's cold sweat.
I am RooK's raging bile duct.
I am RooK's broken heart.
I am RooK's complete lack of surprise.

---

Oh, that RooK. Funny, articulate, a malevolent streak the size of Kamloops, and he knows the difference between a Pitman arm and a ballast resistor.

Just make sure that Merseymike's tee-shirt isn't one of those inferior poly blends.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
A handy tool:

Whenever I get a little bit scared of RooK, I think about his real name and calm right back down again.

I mean, how scared can you be of someone named Cxxxxxx?

Of course, Freddie Kruger is pretty scary, come to think of it. And Freddie is a pretty bland name.
 

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Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
Well, I still think that Jesuitical Lad and Ley Druid are the same person. And I've never seen a posting to disabuse me of that.
 

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Posted by Icarus the Happy Coot (# 220) on :
 
On my right hand
Representing the MW malcontents and one of that elite group: female tat fanciers. Suspended, but she comes back for more!
Ultraspike-puppet!

and
On my left gloved fist
We have...
Chastmastr-puppet!!!!!

<Chastmastr-puppet gets wide-eyed Beaker look>
"What's that, Chastmastr-puppet?"
<Place Chastmastr-puppet up to ear and move it about animatedly>
"Nimee-nimee-nimee ni mee ni NI!"
"No. No, I chose one that doesn't degrade rubber."

ding DING!

Ultraspike-puppet invokes Way of the Mantilla on Ultraspike-puppet. Chastmastr-puppet looks at her with harmless puppy eyes. Ultraspike-puppet does not waver, she shows the hard-hearted determination that has taken her to the top of a male-dominated field. Chastmastr-puppet smiles and points to his collection of manga videos. Ultraspike-puppet closes in. Chastmastr-puppet woofs happily. Ultraspike-puppet straps on her thurible. Chastmastr-puppet offers her his X-Men Omnibus. Suddenly Chastmastr-puppet realises the danger and attempts the Weird-arse Website prevent defence. Too late, he tries to barricade himself in with obscure comic and tv show references. Ultraspike-puppet is merciless! She fires! Again and again! Until finally, Chastmastr-puppet is buried under a pile of patristic literature with stuck-together pages. Satisfied, Ultraspike-puppet smiles evilly to herself and carries off his entire collection of leather gear and marital aids as the spoils of war.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Thank-you, participants.
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
I give that one three thumbs up.
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
In my right Hand the dread Martin Pcnot puppet, forged in the dark mines of Khazad Dum from pulped Barclays Commentaries. Dressed in Black and dark as night.

In my left hand JimT puppet robed in white, seeming rumbled but for those in the know this pose is only his pre fight meditation where he draws on the elemental powers of his youth.

“Now gentlemen, no low church punches, no deliverance in the clinches and definitely no wishy washy liberal bullshit when I say break I mean break.”

Ding “Round One”

JimT glides to the centre of the ring but Martin has disappeared. A big groan comes up form the crowd they know it could be a long night. Jim rock like waits, still as a fundies theology his awesome ontological given bulging from his lycra shorts. They crowd grow pensive ……………….

KAZZAM, just behind Jim’s left shoulder Martin reappears and launches a flurry of unintelligible references. Jim unperturbed absorbs the blows and finds some sense in them, he launches a cunning backhanded compliment counter attack and Martin momentarily flustered goes spinning round the ring quoting Leviticus.

Jim goes on the attack gliding forward he tries to leg swipe Martin, literally knock him of his foundations by the merest hint that the Bible is not all its cracked up to be. Martin older and wiser than last we saw him blocks these vicious blows with an equanimity that has not been seen in him before. The crowd whisper about possible tranquillisers, mutterings about beer abound. But Martin quashes any such rumours with a roundhouse blow to Jim’s head, he calls him a “girlie.”

Jim (obviously from the bulge not a girlie) is flabbergasted not since his Pentecostal days has anyone even hinted at his feminine side and now his foe has touched his deepest part (oh missus) , Jim struck dumb and defenceless is open to anything Martin wants to do. Martin seeing how nasty he has been falls on the ground weeping. Jim overcome with compassion reaches down to pick up the hapless puppet, slips on a banana skin (thrown in disgust by Sarckycow) and falls on top of Martin. “OneNA, TwoAH ……..” the ref starts to count. “ThreeAh he is OUT.” The crowd goes wild. Jim leaps up aghast and ……… Martin is not there, gone, again.

Ding Ding.

“By a technical knockout the winner of this bout JimT, (rapturous applause) Ladies and Gentlemen Martin Pcnot has left the building.”
 

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Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 


Moo
 

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Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Who needs television?
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
Damn, we should have sold tickets to that one. Pyx_e, you find another pair of combatants and I'll get in touch with Don King.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I just wanted to point out that Chastmastr could have easily haiku'd Ultraspike to death.
 

---

Posted by Icarus the Happy Coot (# 220) on :
 
Oh god yes. I forgot about his Special Area of Effect attack. "Mostly Harmless".
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Oh, what the hell--

On the left hand
That Rum and Uncanny Evangelical Firebrand, in a persona resembling Pinocchio:
Wood-Puppet

On (naturally) the right hand
His ready-to-rumble Onion-Domeness, looking reminiscent of The Boxing Amish:
Mousethief-Puppet

Unfortunately, both hands are those of 5-Year-Old Girl.

"My puppets are MARRIED and they're gonna KISS, tee-hee--MWAH-MWAH-MWAH-MWAH--"

Both puppets spontaneously combust.

"MOMMY!! They did it AGAIN!!..."

DRAW
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
ROTFLMAO
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
Bel, for so many fantasies of so many people being realised in so short a post.
 

---

Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I just wanted to point out that Chastmastr could have easily haiku'd Ultraspike to death.

---

Not before my special EXP brand incense sent him reeling and convulsing from the arena.
 

---

Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Any possibility of Watchman vs anyone? Of course, waiting for days before he'd show up wouldn't be that great...
 

---

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 
On my left hand...

Dressed entirely in fuligin and weighing very, very heavy due to the dark matter...watchman-puppet! (possibly also known as ***** [name edited to avoid outing])

On my right hand...

Dressed in sombrero and poncho, the Presbyterian elder from So-Cal, weighing in at a seemly amount and Far Too Nice For Hell...St. Cuervo-puppet!

watchman-puppet springs forward in the posture of the Constipated Rabbit, the manic light of conviction in its eyes and leads with a 5000 word post on the apostollic church, not including the Bible proof-texts. It struts around the ring, sticking its fingers in its ears and ignoring the cat-calls of the crowd.

St. Cuervo-puppet circles alertly in the kata of the Watchful Mantis and probes watchman-puppet's defences. Sure of its ground, it screams "KKKEeeEEAAAIIIii! ANATHEMA!" and attacks with a tightly reasoned theological commentary on God's promise to his Church!

Watchman-puppet reels and counters with a 7000 word post plus quotes from the Book of Revelation, finishing with a cruel smile "If you would only read the Bible, you would see that there are only 144,000 Elect! I love the established churches, even though they are doing Satan's work!"

St. Cuervo-puppet strikes back with a flash of the poncho and a parody on watchman-puppet's theology, in the style of the "Charlie's Angels" prologue.

Wait, there's a disturbance. The crowd are rioting! There's a third puppet in the ring and it's holding up a red card to watchman-puppet...

MATCH SUSPENDED
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
Well, Duo Seraphim, that was amusingly apt...

Meanwhile, deep in a secret goverment facility, a stretcher festooned with dimly flickering Muppet-support equipment is wheeled before a panel of Henson Elite™. They survey the charred remains of Wood-puppet, and decide, "We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Funnier - smarter - and with googly eyes just like Cookie Monster™."

ON MY LEFT HAND
That recently-rebuilt high-tech scourge of good taste and purveyor of mental splinters, weighing in at well under a chord...
WOOD the Bionic Puppet!!!

and,
ON MY RIGHT HAND
That Calvinist with Curves and babbler of biased prophecy, unweighed by unspoken threat...
DUCHESS-puppet!!!

For dramatic effect, this will be a cage match! I'm stuffing the puppets down the back of my trousers (the de facto cage), and they can both kiss my ass.

Duchess leans to the RIGHT, and Wood leans the LEFT... er, so nothing new there. With a wry grin, duchess pulls out two implements that are her trademark: an immense Magic 8 Ball that has been highly altered, and an even more immense KJV bible bound in gleaming stainless steel. What can I say? She must have big pockets. Wood looks around for a stunt double.

"Ask the 8 ball a question, Woodie."

Wood looks thoughtful, but that's probably just a leftover affectation from pretending to be a Purgatory Host. Presently, he asks, "Magic Eight Ball, if Duchess attacks me, does that mean she likes me, like everyone else seems to think?"

Duchess turns red. Whether it's due to embarassment, or anger, or simple blood-lust is unclear. Also unclear just how fast that stainless steel bible can move, but its blurry-fast arc slams into Wood with a thunderous whallop.

When the shock of impact passes, it can be seen that Wood has actually caught the KJV-bludgeon with his left hand. With poorly dubbed in synthesizer "mechanical sounds" and in unconvincing slow-motion, Wood proceeds to start crushing the stainless steel binding.

Duchess widens her eyes in disbelief, then screams, "REPENT, HEATHEN! Kiss it, and turn to the RIGHT!" She tackles Wood, and pins him under her right side.

Suddenly, Wood's eyes bulge out, and he gasps, "What's that SMELL?!?".

Duchess shreiks, "It wasn't me! It's this stinky cage match!"

Both puppets thrash in horrible, horrible paroxysms of pain-
Er, sorry, had burritos today.

Captain Simon wanders in, and does a double-take. "RooK, please explain what you are doing with those... puppets?"

[STATIC]
We are experiencig technical difficulties.
Please stand by.
 

---

Posted by Icarus the Happy Coot (# 220) on :
 
(A change of pace)

On my right hand:
Culinary titan, literary giant and Poster Child for Big Boys everywhere. (mwah!)
kenwritez-puppet, yayyyyy!

Aaaand, on my left hand:
Lifeman-puppet! Self-proclaimed Master of Comedy Assessment (confused murmurings from crowd).

DING!

Lifeman-puppet opens with a small and perfectly formed generalisation about the evils of America. kenwritez-puppet congenially catches it in a designer copper-bottomed frypan and sautees with shallots, mushrooms and garlic. Lifeman-puppet moves to pre-dinner conversation on the merits of racialist British comedians. Kenwritez-puppet falters, but Sturdy Wench-Puppet throws her token (a dressed potato) into the ring. Reviving, he places it in his lapel, but the strain of the unfunniness is starting to tell on kenwritez-puppet. He bends over and slaps his buttocks in the direction of Lifeman-puppet. Oblivious to social censure, Lifeman-puppet begins comparing the State of Israel with Nazi Germany. Pushed beyond human endurance, the audience collapse in massed weeping. Paramedics stand by to usher people out and offer emergency trauma counselling. kenwritez is wheeled off on a stainless steel Miele kitchen appliance.

The stadium is empty, Lifeman's ramblings echo in the empty building. Somewhere close by, there is a party going on with fillet mignons and gourmet potato salad.

Outcome: Rain stopped play.

.
[Edit: Bold those names I think]

[ 03. September 2003, 06:08: Message edited by: Icarus the Happy Coot ]
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
As suggested, a haiku:

K: "Haiku attack!"

Coot: "David mostly harmless."

CM: "What the hell?"

[ 03. September 2003, 15:22: Message edited by: ChastMastr ]
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
David-Puppet: "Damn!
What have I done to this thread?
My haikus: Lethal!"


 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
[HELLHOST PULLS A CARD FROM HIS DARK DECK]

I summon childish inside jokes and petty commentary!

[WHIPS THREAT -ER THREAD AT HEAVEN]
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
RooK is simply obsessed with heaven? Hmmm, good sign.

btw, this is my favorite quote so far

quote:

---

The stadium is empty, Lifeman's ramblings echo in the empty building. Somewhere close by, there is a party going on with fillet mignons and gourmet potato salad

---

[ 22. September 2003, 23:21: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
For variety (and a substantial prize) the latest two puppet contestants to be plucked from obscurity have been charged with completing an obstacle course. To save arguments they have both been dressed in GI Joe / Action Man cast offs. On my right hand and Smudgie Puppet and on my left Sine Puppet .

So Smudge is in the right hand lane and Sine the left they are faced with four obstacles. The admiral Mid puppet is taken out of the box and he fires the starting Gun. And they are off.

Smudgie with a steely determination streaks up to the first obstacle, a ten foot brick wall. Sine get out his parasol and wanders up to it in a fetching way. Smudge, much to the amusement of the crowd does not notice the wall and runs straight through it, leaving a Penguin shaped hole. Sine clutching his brolly is wafted over the wall on a lilac smelling breeze caused by a huge sigh of admiration from the pink bleachers.

Smudgie still in the lead grabs the rope to swing over the pool of icy water and with a single bound is across, Sine lacking the energy does not make it across and begins to swing back and forth, both ways, clicking his heels together he finds himself at the third obstacle before Smudgie who has stopped on the way to crush some apples and make a refreshing fizzy drink.

They both stop and pause at the penultimate barrier, the ninety foot high one hundred foot long death slide. Smudge, showing her true colours shout “Oh Look, over there Mr T” Sine turning, almost in a faint is suddenly pushed on to the death slide by a suspicious looking flipper. He slides all the way down screaming like a kettle, seeing that he survived penguin girl shoots down also.

They both land before the last impediment, the bear pool a slimy swamp full of mud. Sine dabs a bit on his face. Smudgie offers him a drink of fizzy apple juice they both sit down and ignore the chanting off the crowd. Sine is taken with the restorative powers of the mud. Smudgie tries a bit. They decide to go into business with each other. They can’t be assed to do the last obstacle and decide to go for a nice long bath………….

………….. Later in a huge marble bath (Smudgie has the tap end) Sine shouts “Eureka,” and nearly spills his champagne “ I have thought of a name for our mud pack company.” “Do tell.” she demands. “Smudgie & Co Sine.” He replied.

Result race abandoned due to awful pun by son of a maths teacher.

P
 

---

Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
I , I
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
I feel so sullied.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, a true Clash of Titans, a majestically tragic conflict worthy of Achilles and Penthesilea:

On my hands, in a special guest appearance, the stars of Oh, That Sarkycow!, Sarkycow Puppet and Icarus-Coot Puppet!

Ding!

With a shrieking ulutation worthy of Xena herself, Sarkycow Puppet immediately launches herself at Icarus-Coot Puppet. Backflipping through the air, she smashes into him before he has time to do more than deflect the worst of her massive blow. "Oh my," he gasps as he manages to stop rolling.

Glorying in her initial success, Sarkycow Puppet springs again, this time spinning like a propeller. More prepared this time, Icarus-Coot still barely holds his ground as Sarkycow easily eludes his sturdily defensive strikes.

The match rages on, the Irresistible Force and the Immovable Object. Icarus-Coot Puppet's rebuffs become more confident as Sarkycow Pupppet's attacks become more predictable, but the energy of her sallies does not diminish. Icarus-Coot Puppet must surely be vanquished in the end.

What seems to be eons later, the rapt audience notices Icarus-Coot Puppet starting to falter. A blow gets through! He staggers, desperately attempting to keep his concentration intact and the freely flowing blood out of his eyes.

Sarkycow glories in her triumph. "You probably suck at Calculus, too," she malevolently hisses just before leaping to inflict the final, fatal blow.

Ah, the trap that Hubris sets! Like a single electron wreaking havoc upon an isotope, Sarkycow Puppet's casually spiteful remark triggers Icarus-Coot Puppet's Dark Side.

Icarus-Coot Puppet soars through the air.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Fear.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Gravity.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Time.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Good or Evil.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Conscious Thought.

He has become a Force of Nature.

Had Sarkycow Puppet the time to realize what Icarus-Coot Puppet has become, she would feel terror. Terror deeper than any she has ever felt.

But there is no time. A brief second of surprise--and then oblivion.

Icarus-Coot Puppet stands over the lifeless Sarkycow Puppet. A single tear streams down his face.

The bell is not rung. The audience remains silent.

[ 23. September 2003, 03:07: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
[HELLHOST PULLS A CARD FROM HIS DARK DECK]

I summon childish inside jokes and petty commentary!

---

quote:

---

WHIPS THREAT -ER THREAD AT HEAVEN]

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Icarus the Happy Coot:
kenwritez is wheeled off on a stainless steel Miele kitchen appliance.

---

Cootster, I'm disappointed in you.

You completely left out the bit where I spritzed him with cold-pressed extra-virgin olive oil, dusted him with basil, rosemary, sea salt, fresh pepper, and slid him into the a pre-greased baking dish with sliced onions and roasted garlic, and into the convection oven at 425 degrees F for 45 minutes.
 

---

Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :
 
Orrr. It was only temporary incapacity... and you got to go to a cool party with filet mignons and pot sal! Anyway... he wasn't worthy of you.
 

---

Posted by pants (aka psychosian ) (# 4487) on :
 
what constitutes a game in heaven?
 

---

Posted by Mr. S. Berry (# 254) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by pants (aka psychosian ):
what constitutes a game in heaven?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
[QB] Sarkycow Puppet's casually spiteful remark triggers Icarus-Coot Puppet's Dark Side.

Icarus-Coot Puppet soars through the air.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Fear.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Gravity.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Time.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Good or Evil.

Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Conscious Thought.

He has become a Force of Nature.[QB]

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Conscious Thought.

---

Was he ever?


 

---

Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :
 
And now ladies and gentlemen, we bring you UNRESTRICTED PUPPET MELEE!!!!!!

Pax Britannica, Oldlccboy and Thurible-Puppets in the BLUE corner

AND...

Amos, Anselmina and Arrietty-Puppets in the RED corner!

[Hushed tones]
The boy-puppets are at a disadvantage, ladies and gentlemen. You can see them buzzing around lazily like blowflies on a hot day, for they have arrived in sartorial splendour direct from a boozy GIN-soaked reception at the Society of King Chas.

But having been locked outside, the girl-puppets are bristling and raring to go.

DING!

From the blue corner: 'Mwah! Mwah! Ethel dear, do pass me another...' The boy puppets stiffen. Something primal assaults their senses. There is a hint of oestrogen on the wind. Shocked, they turn to see...

The girl-puppets advance. Arrietty-puppet wheels in a Nave Altar. Anselmina-puppet places a large arrangement of flowers in front of it. Amos-puppet stands behind it defiantly in a strapless, backless evening dress. She dons a pair of flamboyant dangly earrings for good measure.

The boy-puppets freeze. Oldlccboy and Pax Britannica-Puppets faint clean away. Thurible-puppet, being of a younger generation, is hardened to this sort of thing and faces them head on. A replica of the Bayeux Tapestry descends from nowhere, hiding the Trio; and Thurible-Puppet relaxes, presuming to have victory by default.

The Tapestry lifts slowly to the sound Mozart's Ave Verum . Thurible-Puppet backs away in terror. Amos, Anselmina and Arrietty-Puppets are revealed, clad in the finest fiddleback rose in front of an eastward marble altar. All around are hallowed objects: Our Lady avec Jam Tart from La Ris; Our Lady Squashing the Frog from Walsingham; and a leather bound passport cover embossed with the Crown from Great Torrington. Plumes of Rosa Mystica waft pleasantly to the Heavens. The girl-puppets stare at Thurible malevolently, and Amos-Puppet gives something a spin.

Thurible-Puppet keens. They have captured the Revolving Tabernacle! All is lost!

DING!

Thankyou, viewers.
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
ON MY LEFT HAND
That decisively indecisive jokesterrrrrrr…
Pyx_e puppet!!!

ON MY RIGHT HAND
That indecisively decisive philosopherrrrr…
Freehand puppet!!!

All right boys, I want a crisp fight, no pulled punches, and a decisive winner. Shake hands…that’s enough shaking hands…and come out fighting!

ding, Ding!

The fight begins with gentle sparring. Pyx_e is letting out one-liners, causing Freehand to drop his hands while he laughs. Pyx_e stings him with alternating lefts and rights, clearly winning what little of a fight this is. Suddenly, Freehand’s manager, JimT, shouts into the ring, “Count to twelve!” Freehand looks over with a question mark on his brow and JimT points to Pyx_e’s feet. “Twelve!” he screams. Sure enough, Pyx_e is stepping twelve times to the left and throwing a right, then twelve times to the right and throwing his left. A student of math and harmonics, Freehand begins deftly blocking the predictable blows from Pyx_e and returns fire with curious punches that end with barely a kiss on the face. He manages to outscore Pyx_e though, and returns to his corner at the bell.

“What the heck are you doing out there?” JimT screams.

“I read the rules,” Freehand replies. “All you have to do is land a punch to get a point. I can win without hurting him.”

“Kill him!” JimT screams. “He’s a twelve-stepping evangelist and that’s the closest we’re gonna get to a bible-thumping Fundamentalist in this crowd, unless you want me to put you up against GRITS next Friday!”

The crowd erupts.

Pyx_e’s manager, Erin, has just snapped Pyx_e’s head 110 degrees to the right with a sizzling backhand.

“What the #&@! do you think this is, a waltz in twelve-eight time?” she screams.

“Hey, you were just supposed to toughen me up, not kill me,” he protests. WHAM! His head spins 110 degrees to the left and she shouts, “This is a boxing match, not a Sunday School picnic!”

The referee comes over to their corner and examines Pyx_e. He is out cold. “Ma’am?” he says. “I don’t think your fighter can continue.”

“Whadda YOU know?” she yells and decks him with a blistering jab.

JimT is outraged. “You can’t hit a ref!” he screams, lunging across the ring. Insolently, Erin eyes him with stationary scorn as he flies toward her. At the last second, she drops to her back, plants her foot in his crotch, and launches him into a high, graceful arc that lands him headfirst in the middle of the seventeenth row. The crowd goes insane.

A plump, middle-aged, obviously gay man is standing over JimT saying, “You shoulda took better care ‘o me. Not set me up with so many bums. Took me out when I was havin’ a bad night. I coulda been a contender. Champ maybe even. Now look at me. Look at you.”

Fade to black and white, swell tinny orchestral music.
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
What can I say, but "Bravo"! (And, "More"!)
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
I saw the whole of that in grainy black-and-white, with slow motion action sequences and deep emotion showing on the fighters faces. It nearly made me cry. Bravo.
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
This is the funniest thread in ages. Big up to JimT. What wit, what style, what an ass.

P
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
It's a gift from God ( there must be one after all!) to be able to move people through such a range of emotions. Particulary to provoke Pyx_e into calling me an ass. Since it is what he aspires to, I realize that it is the highest honor he can bestow. I'm thinking of going for "asshat."
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by JimT:
I'm thinking of going for "asshat."

---

quote:

---

Originally babbled by Ann:
I had to read that twice to dispel the idea of a fight between Yoda and Count Duckula.

---

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Presenting the second match of the...

BATTLE OF THE HOST/ADMIN DAY AVATARS
< Echo, Echo, Echo... >

In their corners:

The Kelly Alves Avatar and the Janine Avatar

As a protective layer of chocolate pudding is applied to the ring, the lights dim. The warning music sounds:

Boom, chicka boom BOW, bow bow bow...

With wild abandon, Kelly Alves Avatar flings herself at Janine Avatar, her supple limbs becoming coated with sweat and pudding. Janine Avatar, while initially yielding to the touch, remains surprising firm and immovable. Unable to get a firm clasp on what is essentially a giant, er, torso, Kelly Alves Avatar frantically realizes she is slipping and in danger of being pinned. Desperately seeking control in the deadly embrace, she pushes against Janine Avatar, her wriggling fingers seeking a hold; her endurance reaching its breaking point, she starts softly moaning--

"I THOUGHT THIS WAS A CHRISTIAN SITE!!" shrieks Dyfrig Puppet. Shouts of agreement with or mockery of the complaint fill the air. Mayhem ensues.

Uh...Draw?
 

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Posted by Mertseger (# 4534) on :
 

quote:

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Originally babbled by Belisarius:
Uh...Draw? [/QB]

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quote:

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Originally babbled by golden key:
(crusading)

Tags Mertseger for the Dances of Universal Peace!

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What does dancing have to do with Christianity? I thought this was supposed to be a Christian website. Really, goldenkey, while I appreciate the love and peace in your Crusade, if such things are not done in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, do they really belong here?
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
<having never ever even looked at a puppet fight thread before, Janine wonders what the heck to post... all she really needs is an excuse to post so she can see what her avatar is right now - she considers whipping out a couple of anatomically correct puppets and demonstrating Kama Sutra positions, but decides against it...>
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Oh, you're no fun...

Drat--the only interesting H/A Day avatars left are all ChrisT's; having a match with them would be just too schizophrenic.

Kindly filling in at the last minute--

On my left hand: Joyeux Puppet!

On my right hand: Snowgoose Puppet!

Ding!

Suppressing giggles, Joyeux Puppet and Snowgoose Puppet circle each other. They then hop towards each other and tag each other "it." They chortle at their Heavenly parody while the audience groans.

"Let's get the pillows!" they cry out to each other. They playfully hit each other (each a safe distance from the other's face) while RooK froths at the mouth in rage.

There is a method to their madness. As long as they "fight," no one is allowed to interfere. A most deliciously insidious subversion that could last for hours--behold the power of Fluffiness!

"Oops, my tiara's crooked," chirps Joyeux.

"Let me help you fix it--you don't have your mirror," volunteers Snowgoose.

"I'M HERE--DON'T START THE MATCH WITHOUT ME!!" shouts Evil-Clown-ChrisT. He stampedes into the Ring with a folding chair--seconds later, Joyeux and Snowgoose lie in whacked unconsciousness.

Chris, I said at the beginning of the post that you weren't participating.

"Oh...my bad."
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
What can I say? I'm a bad mofo. Normally I would have killed yo ass, but I'm currently in a transitional period.
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
<Lifesized and with realistic temperature and textures, Mertseger and Janine Avatars agree to fill in a little time until the next "real" bout... they discuss arrangements as they approach the ring.>

Janine: "Mertsie, did you bring the chocolate syrup? We'll need that."

Mertseger: "Yes, I did - will this 'Magic Shell' chocolate ice cream sauce do?"

J: "Well, it will taste great, and lubricate - but if you want it to get hard on us, we'll have to ice ourselves down first."

M: "Okay, let's get over to the ice machine, then."

< Mertseger and Janine walk over to the big icemaker used to cool contestants' injuries - and proceed to cool each other's... mammaries.

In full view of the eye-popping, jaw-dropping crowd, "Mertsie" and "'Nine" unselfconsciously rub ice over each other's nipples, into each the other's cleavage.

Half the crowd swoons. The other half hyperventilates. An occasional rare watcher grins and starts down to the arena floor to get some ice for him/herself.

Janine tests the Magic Shell by drizzling the chocolate over Mertseger's right - - ah, right half... She then proceeds to test it by leaning down and - CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED...>

J: "Yup, that'll work, Mertsie. Firm enough to encase and of course tastes great."

<the two pick up their syrups and silver ice buckets and head back up the main aisle. The crowd - the ones able to move from their seats without embarrassment - rise and applaud, but J. and M. think the clapping is for the previous match, and leave as innocently and unselfconsciously they entered.>

M: "Wonderful. The crowd shall be entertained. Might I add you performed that little test very well?"

J: <blushing> "Why, thank you, Mertsie. Let's have you test me next time...

<As they leave, with talk of adding caramel and new testing positions to their preparations, several of the crowd begin shoving ice down their pants.>
 

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Posted by Mertseger (# 4534) on :
 
Magic Shell: THAT's what we need for this Saturday's No Cal Chocolate Meet. Thanks for the idea, 'Nine.
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Don't forget the caramel, just in case someone OD's on chocolate.

Ah, Mertsie, I will miss you.
 

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Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
ON MY LEFT HAND
That mentally-rigid ire of logic, impossible to weigh because the scales got tired of the rhetorical results...
ASSISTANT VILLAGE IDIOT-puppet!!!

and,
ON MY RIGHT HAND
The intellectual equivalent of a balsa wood fire poker, weighing in somewhere between "wishy" and "washy"...
INDIE ROB-puppet!!!

This is a no-holds-barred match, and I expect to see each of you use your most devastating attacks.

ding DING!

Indie Rob-puppet just stares indolently as Assistant Village Idiot-puppet circles awkwardly. There would be mounting tension, except that there is a pervasive sense of disappointment in the match. It seems rather like driving up on the scene of an accident, and in the guilty moment when your neck goes rubbery and you take a peek, you see a couple bumper-cars nudging each other.

Abruptly, Assistant Village Idiot-puppet announces, "I think I may have to leave."

Indie Rob-puppet counters with, "Oh yeah? Well why the hell should I waste my time here? I'm going to leave."

"Ah, but that's unimportant since I've already declared my intentions."

"Whatever, I'm leaving."

"Sure, I agree completely, but I am leaving before you do."

"No way, I'm totally leaving before you."

"I don't think you understand, but I clearly stated that I'm leaving first."

"Not only am I going to leave before you, I'm going to leave better than you."

"You seem unable to appreciate the irony of your situation - that since I will have left before you, your leaving won't matter."

"Nuh-unh!"

Fr. Gregory-puppet wanders by, muttering, "Amateurs."

All right, will someone ring that bell for me? I seem to have gnawed off both my hands. Thanks.
 

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Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :
 


Ding!
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Well, it looks like the crowd has finally spent its bloodlust.

Good night, and have a safe drive home!
 

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