quote:

---

Originally posted by Sibling Nightlamp:
The hellhosts will expect our normal tithe whilst you grace our board.
Refusal to pay will not be would not be wise.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Are you burdened sibling? Do you stumble under the burden of a large burden of some kind?

Well, what you see as a burden, I see as an opportunity - to encourage, chastise, ridicule or to plagiarise in print for the furthering of the kingdom, as the Lord leads.

So come, let us dare to share, care, bare and compare. And repair. Yeah! (as we say these days!)

Alternatively, if you'd just like to drop by for an uplifting chat, or to persecute the Lord's anointed, do please feel free.

---

To put it in a nutshell...you're thinking about a new book!
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
"Dear" "Mr" "Ambulance" ","

"Had" is, as we all know, a local dialect word for "house".

Now, address the question, fatboy.
 

---

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
Dear Father, or should I call you Reverend? Or maybe Pastor? Or something else?
I belong to a large Protestant Church in Australia. This week the national assembly body is meeting in Melbourne. Although there are lots of items on the agenda, all we ordinary folk in the pews is what we read in the secular media, and all it says is that my Church is into sex and orientation and related things like that. What should I do?
Your sincerely,
A perplexed Rowen
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Dyfrig
"Dear" "Mr" "Ambulance" ","
"Had" is, as we all know, a local dialect word for "house".
Now, address the question, fatboy.

I'm afraid this is a dialect that I am not familiar with, so we have a communication problem (or opportunity, I should say!). We shall have to work at it.

I assume that "fatboy" also means something different in your dialect to what it means in Lewisham - probably an expression of reverent devotion.

So applying myself to your 3 "allegations" - what we in Lewisham call "humble suggestions":


1. That your real name is Amanda and that you are the fourth wife of Osama bin Laden

I assume by "the fourth wife of Osama bin Laden" you mean "a mighty man of the Spirit". Far be it from me to say so, but if others wish to acknowledge the precious work of the Lord in me, who am I to argue?

As for my "real name", the Father has indeed told me that he has a True Name for me, written on the palm of his hand, but then transferred to a post-it note because you know what it's like when you have sweaty palms.

No one knows this secret name, not even I, until I am received into glory to sit upon his left hand (another reason why its an inconvenient place for memos). But I have to say if it turns out to be Amanda, it will be hard not to feel a little disappointed.


2. That you are the evil mastermind behind Steps

What you have to realise, Sibling, is that "evil" in Lewisham means quite the opposite of the positive way you are using it here. It's not really a very nice word at all.

That aside, certainly I am. I hadn't realised that the Steps method of evangelism had spread out from Lewisham yet, but it is certainly the way forward.

I recognises that it's harder to convert people instantly in the street, following the traditional method walking up to them quoting Bible verses and then chasing them down the street with your Super Spirt-U-All Holy Water Pistol™.

So Steps offers a gradual programme of spiritual siege, which works wonders, especially in theory. The Steps are:

• Befriend your pagan by engaging in conversation about non-theological issues, such as your favourite colour (don't forget to ask theirs!) and what time it is.
• Invite them round to your house on a convincing pretext.
• Lock them in a darkened basement, feeding them locusts and wild honey, and piping in spiritually powerful music such as the Tim Splendid Worship Trio's 'Jesus Gonna Break Your Head' and sound evangelistically-appropriate Bible readings, until they accept the Lord.

If you've heard about it then I'm sure you've heard the stories doing the rounds about it - but when has the work of the Lord ever been without opposition?

3. That you, yes you, you in the polkadot hat and pink stilletos, ply your trade under the lamp-post outside my had, in which case I'd like you to stop.

Well, I've no idea what "stilletos" are, but otherwise yes, I do ply my trade under lampposts during the hours of night, so that I can read my notes. The hat is an optional extra.

I'm not aware of ever having ministered outside your "had", and it seems unlikely - but your request that I stop just shows how much you need it.
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 
Dear Rev Mr Ambulance Sir

I do indeed labour under a heavy burden. It's very heavy indeed. My friend told me I shouldn't pack twenty King James Bibles in my rucksack for our walking holiday, but I knew they would come in handy for distributing to the unsaved locals in Tintwistle. There must be at least twenty unsaved locals there. After all, the name of the place is pronounced "Tinsel", and everyone knows that is a heathen substance associated with joy in the pagan Christmas season, and other unsound concepts. But the unsaved locals are unforthcoming and refuse to relieve me of my burden.

What should I do?
 

---

Posted by IntellectByProxy (# 3185) on :
 
Dear Mr Reverend Ambulance Sir begginyourpardon but one of the big boys keeps making fun of the contents of my trousers, what do you think I should do?
 

---

Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
Dear Ger.

I'm going on holiday with my girlfriend tomorrow. We might do naughty things.

This isn't a problem, I just wanted to boast.
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Rev. Gerald,
I should inform you that I have declared myself The Incredibly Reverend Dr. Mark T. Punk. Since my title is longer and better than yours, this will serve to inform you that my pronouncements override yours should I deign to make a pronouncement on this thread.

Holier than thou,
The Incredibly Reverend Dr. Mark T. Punk

 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Chukovsky:
I do indeed labour under a heavy burden. My friend told me I shouldn't pack twenty King James Bibles in my rucksack for our walking holiday, but I knew they would come in handy for distributing to the unsaved locals in Tintwistle. But the unsaved locals are unforthcoming and refuse to relieve me of my burden.

Your complaint that they refuse to relieve you suggests that you are giving them the option of whether to receive or not.

You must be bolder in your offensive, Sibling. For doeth not the Word say "Be bold"? You know very well it does.

Just get the Bible into their house whatever it takes. Post it through the letterbox. Leave it giftwrapped on the doorstep. Ring the doorbell, hide behind a parked car and hurl it through the open doorway. Tear it into shreds and hide it in the pot pourri and under the carpet.

Once it's in there, it's in the Lord's hands and he can make of it what he will. Something very wonderful no doubt. If not, that's his choice.
 

---

Posted by Neil (starbelly) (# 25) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
But I have to say if it turns out to be Amanda, it will be hard not to feel a little disappointed.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Og: Thread Killer:

******Spot the Sock Puppet******

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Miffy:
Dear Rev Gerlad

---

quote:

---

The church, as observed throughout its history, reminds me a lot of my golf swing.

---

Of what does the church, as observed throughout its history, remind you?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Miffy
To put it in a nutshell...you're thinking about a new book!

On the contrary, anything to avoid thinking about it.
 

---

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
Dear Father Gerald,

There are far too many single, female nurses in one of the evangelical churches I go to.

They would very much like to find nice, sane, Christian blokes but these seem a bit scarce.

Do you think that intoducing polygamy into the Anglican church might perhaps make a lot of people very happy?

It could draw the Anglican church closer to the Latter Day saints, as well as to the Islamic traditions.

Maybe in the rejoicing, the celebrations of unity and the clouds of confetti, people would stop fussing about the occasional celibate but gay bishop.

Just really deeply yours,

WD xxx
 

---

Posted by MrSponge2U (# 3076) on :
 
Dear Esteemed High Right Rev. Ambulance,

It has always been my dream to be an international soulsaving celebrity like yourself, and to have my own television program on the Big-Hair-Christian network. I have faithfully followed your ministry as well as lesser celebrities like the Rev. Hinn and Rev. Tilton to learn how to preach, and have read all the books on prosperity I can find at the popular Christian bookstores. I have also bought a number of fine pearly-white suits and accumulated a number of fine automobiles and airplanes so that as a prosperous television evangelist I should prove myself faithful.

But, I still feel like I'm missing something. Could you humbly assist me in finding what that is? Thank you.

You rock!

The humble Mr. Sponge
 

---

Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Dear Rev Gerald

How blessed I am to see your return to the boards, as only today as I was wandering round the streets of Lewisham I was reminded of a sticky problem which I believe would just really benefit from your wisdom and anointed counsel.

I very much wish to attend St Ursula's High Pentecostal-Reformed Church; however up till now I have been stopped from doing so by the railway bridge at the bottom of Loampit Hill (in case you are wondering, the one near that den of iniquity the Rising Sun with which I am sure you are familiar). The underside of said bridge is inhabited by many pigeons, and it is impossible to walk under the bridge without fear of being *ahem* anointed by them, or to pick up the same undesirable anointing on my shoes. As I really really don't want to sully the floor of St Ursula's with this inferior anointing I have resisted attending, but I feel I am now in danger of backsliding mightily. Please help.

Yours in desperation,

Jack
 

---

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
that den of iniquity the Rising Sun with which I am sure you are familiar

---

Actually , he isn't, I suspect. Not very familiar with it. If he was I'd have seen him. But I'm sure either of you is welcome for a pint any time. Just tell Phyllis the landlady that I sent you round
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
Reverend G, is it true that you are destined for high and lofty places?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Rowen
Although there are lots of items on the agenda, all we ordinary folk in the pews hear is what we read in the secular media, and all it says is that my Church is into sex and orientation and related things like that. What should I do?

Well, stop reading the soul-sapping propaganda of the enemy, or "secular media" as you call it, for a start.

But as for what you hear your church is "into" (as we say these days!):

Orientation Relax, there's really nothing so very bad about orientation. In fact my own youth groups (the Crusaders and the Inquisition) went on an orientation weekend only last year down in Tonbridge. Admittedly there was an unfortunate incident with a cow giving another cow a piggy back, but then you can see equally polluting spectacles performed by so-called human beings in our local park, if you know what time to go.

Related things These sound a little dodgier. Just how related are they?

The other thing you mentioned How sad that in our days even the house of God is not free from the vile shadow of this degradation that contaminates even to speak of it. I promise to give it my full attention in both private and public intercession. To aid that ministry, could you share some more precise details?
 

---

Posted by madferret (# 3353) on :
 
Dear most eminent Rev G, Sir, I think I am being led astray by one of those internet-thingy chatterooms. It goes by the name of shipoffools.com cafe.

Each time I log on to my PC I am electronically duped into entering said cafe. I am careful not to disclose my true age but all kinds of strange people say they want to meet me in real life.

How can I repent of this behaviour and be free of temptation?
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling ChrisT
Reverend G, is it true that you are destined for high and lofty places?

Sibling, you have made an old man very happy. (Bet you thought I didn't know about that, didn't you?)
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
IntellectByProxy
Dear Mr Reverend Ambulance Sir begginyourpardon but one of the big boys keeps making fun of the contents of my trousers, what do you think I should do?

You could start by telling us what you keep in your trousers.
 

---

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Rowen
Related things These sound a little dodgier. Just how related are they?

The other thing you mentioned How sad that in our days even the house of God is not free from the vile shadow of this degradation that contaminates even to speak of it. I promise to give it my full attention in both private and public intercession. To aid that ministry, could you share some more precise details?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
IntellectByProxy
Dear Mr Reverend Ambulance Sir begginyourpardon but one of the big boys keeps making fun of the contents of my trousers, what do you think I should do?

You could start by telling us what you keep in your trousers.

---

Well you see, that's the core of the problem...
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Stoo
I'm going on holiday with my girlfriend tomorrow. We might do naughty things.
This isn't a problem, I just wanted to boast.

Jenny Ann
I am going on holiday with my boyfriend tomorrow, I'm afraid he will expect me to do naughty things. How am I to prevent this? The baggage allowance does not permit me to take my iron chastity belt.

I may be leaping to unjustifiable conclusions in linking these two posts, but let's assume not. Even if I am, it's hardly the most unjustifiable thing that any of us are doing today, by the sound of it.

The two of you have probably gone by now, so my adjudication will be academic, though I suspect it would have been anyway.

Jenny Ann, your pure-hearted fears are well expressed - and well founded if my experience is anything to go by. Which of course it is. It is minimal but authoritative.

You do well to fear the subtle manipulations of the flesh, at which our enemy (no offence, Sibling Stoo!) is so well practised. But I have to say that you're asking for it really in having a "boyfriend" (as we say these days), or even if you're not, probably soon will be. He certainly will.

What I'm trying to say, in plain language, is cast all abominations from thee and rest content in the arms of him who has loved you with an inexhaustible love. (I.e. the Lord.)

As for you, Stoo, what can I say. Is it truly the Christian way to boast beforehand about committing the sins of carnalness? By no means! The Christian way is to express modest anxiety about your temptation beforehand, and then afterwards to offer up a full and candid public confession for the purging of your soul and the edification of the flock.

Do let us know how you got on.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Og
It's everybody's favourite game show

Are you sure your research is up to date there?

Spot the Sock Puppet

Is it lambchops?
 

---

Posted by W (# 14) on :
 
Dear Uncle Reverend,

It was kind of you to include that chapter in the book about 'Alternative Worship' even though I could tell your heart wasn't really in it.

To be honest I'm a little bit bored of the whole concept myself by now. Time to move on. Can you tell me what the next trendy thing in church life is going to be?

Yours in Siblingtude,

Wibblethorpe
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Hey Rev,

I'm just wondering at what point you'll forget which of your multiple identities is logged in, and so post using the wrong voice? See, I'm going to be away soon for a bit, and I'd hate to miss you embarassing yourself

Never yours,

Sarkycow

PS Thanks for funding my drinking last night!
 

---

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
I fear I am getting old. The students seem wiser (or at least, more edgy) than their teacher. The jokes don't work any more. How can I raise them to a yet higher level? I despair, inasmuch as they fancy themselves so very clever--which is a joke of the first water in and of itself. Do you think it would be possible to draw a bulls-eye on my chest that would strike them dead if they shot at it? Or at least cripple them sexually?

---

A friend of mine, who is a University teacher posted in Another Place, that he changed his normal first lecture last year.

Usually he welcomes the new class, makes a few encouraging noises, and gets on with the subject.

But this year: "I'm doctor so-and-so. I have to start by saying that I hate you all. Not for anything you have done (yet) but for having the temerity to be the fist class I ever taught most of whom were born AFTER I GRADUATED"
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling T
I have a very distressing problem - you see, Im not too sure how when to do my hour of private devotions....

Have you tried doing them a bit at a time in the quiet bits of prayer meetings?

Or, if there aren't many quiet bits because everyone's desparate for a chance to lead his brothers (or sisters these days!) (and her sisters!) (and vice versa, I think) to the throne of intercession, then you could always have some devotions when someone else is praying.

As long as God is listening, I don't suppose it makes much difference whether you are. And if he isn't, it doesn't make much difference whether you are either.
 

---

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :
 
Dear Gerald, Dear Gerald, you suck at complaints,
You act like a sinner while ya talk like a saint,
So listen up buster and listen up good,
Stop wishin¡¯you're JimT and postin¡¯like Wood,
Signed, ¡°Admirer.¡±
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
My dear Rev. Gerald Ambulance,

First of all my brother(s), I thank you for all you do for spreading the LOGOS all over town and beyond. Spreading the Good News seeds.

It is with mirthless regret that I tell you the following...that as your sister that it sickens me how deeply flawed your theology is reflected in your past advice . All chaff and no wheat! You are leading your sheep and congregation astray! These poor lambs being led to the slaughter like Greek shish kabobs on a fired-up bbq! Makes me mighty hungry, I mean sick to think about all those led astray!

I will pray that you get on the RIGHT track soon, you flaming lefty pinko. May George W. Bush and his friend Tony Blair kick yer asteriod soon.

I say all of this in Christian love. Many blessings to you and yours.

Your helpful friend,

duchess

PS: Don't you dare talk about underwear AGAIN.

[ 16. July 2003, 20:23: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
PPS: This advice to me got me even more wound up...to the point of me writing carnal posts to threads on Colin Firth and Alan Rickman.

Sorry for 2nd post but I feel all better now.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Dear duchess,

Could you expound a bit on the meaning of the phrase "mirthless regret". I am not familiar with it, but would like to start using it occasionally, if only I could figure out what it means.
Thanks.

Your friend,
Sine
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Brother Sine Nomine,

It means regret without laughter or ah, gaiety.
I have no idea where I aquired the term. I use it rarely but whenever the shoe fits.

Glad to help. Didn't mean to er hijack this thread from the "good" Rev.

-duchess

[ 16. July 2003, 21:24: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
So, somewhere out there, there must also be "mirthful regret"?

p.s.: I woulnd't worry about any hijacking. The whole thread is just one big tangent anyway.

...says Sine, whose plea for spiritual help was cruelly ignored by Brother Gerald.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Sine, mirthful regret would be SINFUL since then we would be GLOATING. See?

Rev. would just tell you to wear some kind of underwear or something equally "useful".
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
That's OK. I bought one of his books with the cover torn off for next to nothing at the flea market.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Torn off nothingness? Pity his book leads people astray, but at least it can be purchased at your local flea market cheaply or maybe at Kmart in the bargin bin next to Cliff Richards's memoir,
When The Music Stops

from Amazon: "a profile on the singer Cliff Richard. Includes his views on marriage, religion, celibacy and the music business"
book

[ 16. July 2003, 22:17: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 
Dear Rev Professor Ambulance your Lordship,

I must bow down mightily before you in your wisdom at the advice vouchsafed to me by your good self regarding the copies of the Word of the Lord. They are even now gracing the homes of the good people of the Peak District, and from the reactions I have had following placing them (anonymously so as not to be seen to be Boasting in my own Works) in the letterboxes of the local people, they are rejoicing in the Lord upon receipt of their new found words of instruction. At least, I assume that's what "Oh Lord, another one!" was intended to mean.

I have another problem, your ambulanceness. My healthful Christian hiking holiday ("Prayer stops every hour! Learn how the disciples walked!") being scheduled for the North of England in July I felt confident that my warmest and most modest clothes were appropriate, and that packing a cardigan or five was definitely necessary. However the North of England appears to be undergoing a heatwave and I am feeling a little faint. What should I do?

I am assuming that exposing any of my limbs, lower or otherwise, would not be appropriate for an unmarried Christian lady, nor would be a good witness. I fear that the young ladies of the North of England have not been taught how to buy clothes wisely, as they appear not to be able to afford to cover themselves modestly, and I wish to be a good example of how even those of the most slender means can dress correctly.
 

---

Posted by Spong (# 1518) on :
 
Dear Revd Gerald.

I heard the sainted Graham Norton explaining this evening that 31 July 2003 is National Orgasm Day. Does the title of this thread refer to this in any way?
 

---

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Dear Jack the Lass

Not that I would want to pre-empt the sainted Rev Gerald in any way, but are you aware that according to Genesis, you have dominion over these pigeons? Claim your sovereignty boldly as you step under that bridge, sister!

BTW, ChrisT's picture reveals Rev Gerald turning into a cloud of smoke the exact shape of a map of Britain. Evidently Rev Gerald's book-sales, oops, sorry, blessing, will cover the whole of our country soon. Amen!
 

---

Posted by DP (# 794) on :
 
Dear Rev Ger

I very much feel that this is a safe environment for indulging oneself in private jokes.

So: if you were to preach at a wedding, what message would you bring to the bride & groom?

DP
 

---

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
Dear Rev

Down in the pits of Mystery Worship, there has been a discussion on the various levels of reverendness

Can you tell me how reverend you are so that I know how to address you correctly in future?
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by DP:
Dear Rev Ger
If you were to preach at a wedding, what message would you bring to the bride & groom?

---

quote:

---

Psalm 68:21
Surely God will crush the heads of his enemies,
the hairy crowns of those who go on in their sins.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chukovsky:

quote:

---

Originally posted by DP:
Dear Rev Ger
If you were to preach at a wedding, what message would you bring to the bride & groom?

---

If he's trying to get material for a book, it's hardly helpful to ask him to repeat something he's already written, now is it?

---

Unlesss one's sockpuppet is trying to prod future questions to be more along these sort of lines in order to pad your book.
 

---

Posted by MrSponge2U (# 3076) on :
 
While you're surely thinking of a truly inspired reply to my last question, there's something else that's been troubling me.

I was at a retreat with some Christian brothers and sisters a few weeks ago, and they taught me this horrible song called "Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam". Now I can't get it out of my mind. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Mr. Sponge
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Og: Thread Killer:

quote:

---

Originally posted by chukovsky:
If he's trying to get material for a book, it's hardly helpful to ask him to repeat something he's already written, now is it?

---

Unlesss one's sockpuppet is trying to prod future questions to be more along these sort of lines in order to pad your book.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chukovsky:
Do keep up at the back there. How can one's sock puppet already have preached at one's own wedding?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
I have a vision of you getting beaten up in the supermarket. Is this something that happens regularly to you?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chukovsky:
Do keep up at the back there. How can one's sock puppet already have preached at one's own wedding?

---

Hmmm....an intermittant sock puppet with a backstory? That would be more work than it's worth, don't ya think?
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
I can't believe all the sockpuppets of the great Rev. are letting this thread drop away and die. Oh well.
 

---

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
But I thought you were a sockpuppet of Mad Geo?
 

---

Posted by Og: Thread Killer (# 3200) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
I can't believe all the sockpuppets of the great Rev. are letting this thread drop away and die. Oh well.

---

I feel for you duchess but.....

A character is undone because he created too many characters.

Irony is a funny thing.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ken:
But I thought you were a sockpuppet of Mad Geo?

---

Don't pick somebody from Southern California! Like as if!
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 
Well, that was a short Third Coming. Do they get shorter and shorter each time? Until they come round every week for five minutes?
 

---

Posted by AB (# 4060) on :
 
For the sake of my sanity, can someone please PM me and tell me who is whose sock puppet. I just can't seem to figure it out.

AB
 

---

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by AB:
For the sake of my sanity, can someone please PM me and tell me who is whose sock puppet. I just can't seem to figure it out.

AB

---

Duchess is Mad Geo.

Louise is Laura.

Wood is Dyfrig.

Tomb is Rook.

Kenwritze is JeffT.

GillT is Chorister.

Erin is ChastMastr.

MerseyMike is Icarus Coot.

Fiddleback is Cosmo.

The Rev. Gerald Ambulance is Rowan Williams.

You are Peter O'Toole.

And I an Queen Marie of Romania.

Simple.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Ken, I'm going to print that out and tape it by my computer for future reference.

(Erin being ChastMastr explains a lot.)
 

---

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Freudian slip, ken, in combining Gill H and ChrisT.

In fact both of us are Chorister.
 

---

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ken:

And I am Queen Marie of Romania.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jack the Lass, on 3 December 2003
The church singles scene in this neck of the woods is – frankly – a bit woeful, and I was thinking that seeing as I live down the road (or more precisely, up the hill) from St Ursula’s, maybe this Sunday I should hang a left at Brockley Cross and pop into St U’s to check out the talent. In order to make sure any decision I make is suitably Spirit-led I would be most grateful for your honest opinion on the single men at St Ursula’s and whether you think they are in any way suitable prospects.
Desperately (er, I mean gratefully) yours,
JTL

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gill H:
Freudian slip, ken, in combining Gill H and ChrisT.

In fact both of us are Chorister.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chukovsky:

quote:

---

Originally posted by ken:

And I am Queen Marie of Romania.

---

Impostor. I am Marie of Roumania. Or maybe Dorothy Parker is. Or I am her. Or Jennifer Jason Leigh is.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:


[Amanuensis duties. Now there's a clue.]

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
I can't publish anything this banal.

---

Trying not to repeat yourself? I admire that in an author.
 

---

Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Rowen
The immediate ex-leader of my denomination, is being interviewed on the radio. He is talking about social welfare/justice in the church, the validity of women in ministry relations with and within the Anglican Church,and the whole Sydney issue.
As a churchman yourself, such topics must be of interest to you too.

I really cannot tell you how interested I am to hear that.
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Rev. Gerald Ambulance, get your head(s) together and edit your latest post to sibling ferret.

[ 22. July 2003, 21:23: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

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Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
O ye of little faith, less patience and no manners whatsoever! How long must I remain with you? Until I have enough material for a new book, worse luck (or worse providence I should say).

For Rev. Gerald Ambulance is not slow to answer his people as some consider slowness - geologists for example. But all things come in the fullness of time. Such as:


[QUOTE] Originally posted by Jack the Lass, on 3 December 2003
<snip> stuff about inadequate Christian men

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quote:

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Originally posted by golden key:
Are you really the Rev. Caleb, who was featured prominently in the last several episodes of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer"?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
.... send a substantial donation to the usual address, and pull yourself together ...

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Well, actually that bank draft continues to pull a very satisfying hell-rent tithe out of your account on a regular basis, in spite of the fact that I'm no longer One of the Management. So no, I don't think I'll be donating. It strikes me as too, er, incestuous.

So sorry you think I'm loosing my edge, but these days I'm into Deepening my nastiness, not Sharpening it. It was a calculated decision because I was concerned that people were beginning to find me boring. (Just between the two of us, you might want to undertake a similar strategy.)

Sententiously yours,

tomb

[ 24. July 2003, 15:45: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
W
It was kind of you to include that chapter in the book about 'Alternative Worship' even though I could tell your heart wasn't really in it.

To be honest I'm a little bit bored of the whole concept myself by now. Time to move on. Can you tell me what the next trendy thing in church life is going to be?

I'm afraid, Sibling Wibble, you lot have rather cooked your goose calling this thing "alternative worship". There's nowhere to go from here.

How can you can have an alternative to alternative worship? I'm afraid any new kind of worship you come up with will still be alternative. And if it isn't alternative, then you'll be back where you started from.

Actually, maybe that's from the Lord - retro worship. Rediscovering the kitsch riches of the 1970s. Acoustic guitars, sandals and hand-written OHPs. Buzz magazine, 6" wide paisley ties, and Smile Jesus Loves You t-shirts. Typed notice sheets run off an a banda (sp?) machine. Typed song books run off an a banda (sp?) machine, with 30 songs, including Bind Us Together, Abba Father and Let Me Have My Way Among You.

Mm, thank you Jesus.
 

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Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
btw sibling ambulance, are you going to be hanging out at Greenbelt this year?

I unaccountably managed to miss your performance last year... and it's just not going to be the same if I can't miss your performance this year as well...

they don't call me your biggest fan for nothing.

avidly awaiting news...
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Rev. G., still praying for you, my dear brother.
May God turn your advice around to the RIGHT way of thinking. Mercy me. Hope my prayers help. Flying high again are we?

[ 25. July 2003, 17:14: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

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Posted by madferret (# 3353) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Actually, maybe that's from the Lord - retro worship. Rediscovering the kitsch riches of the 1970s. Acoustic guitars, sandals and hand-written OHPs. Buzz magazine, 6" wide paisley ties, and Smile Jesus Loves You t-shirts.

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Yes, then we will get "I love the 1980s" and magazines like, errm, Ship of Fools...
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
...Rediscovering the kitsch riches of the 1970s....

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quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
It only takes a spark
to get a fire going,
And soon all those about
can warm up to its glowing:
That's how it is with God's love
once you experience it:
You want to sing;
It's fresh like spring;
You want to Pass it On.

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tomb, between your posts and your sig, there seems to be a new theme in your life. Good for you.

Now where's Flausa? I can't remember the second verse.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Chukovsky
Dear Rev Professor Ambulance your Lordship,
I must bow down mightily before you in your wisdom at the advice vouchsafed to me by your good self regarding the copies of the Word of the Lord.

That's the spirit.

My healthful Christian hiking holiday being scheduled for the North of England in July I felt confident that my warmest and most modest clothes were appropriate, and that packing a cardigan or five was definitely necessary. However the North of England appears to be undergoing a heatwave and I am feeling a little faint. What should I do?

The key to your problem, sibling, is dressing modestly without resorting to cardigans - that could be the title of my next tract. I'm not even convinced that cardigans are biblical.

I'm sure a long-sleeved dress of sober cut and substantial fabric, weighted around the hem, would do fine.

If you are still tempted to feel the heat is too much for you, just remember Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego praising the Lord in the fiery furnace - and the countless souls burning as we speak in nether torments, probably not praising the Lord, but nevertheless an example to us all in a way that has momentarily slipped out of mind.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Spong
I heard the sainted Graham Norton explaining this evening that 31 July 2003 is National Orgasm Day. Does the title of this thread refer to this in any way?

Bless you sibling Spong for this opportunity to demonstrate how unshockable I am - an important quality in the pastoral ministry in these Godless and shockingly depraved days.

Let me simply tell you, gently, acceptingly, and without shock or judgmentalism, that the answer to your question is no, the title of this thread does not refer to National what-you-said Day.

May I also take this opportunity to suggest that if you wish to move forward in the spiritual life (and I think we both know that from your present point pretty much any direction would be forward) you might want to try:

a) watching fewer wickedly reprobate television programmes;

b) mentioning fewer wickedly reprobate calendar entries;

c) paying a visit to the Rev. Gerald Ambulance Penance Clinic in Deptford for a refreshing course of mortification and mind-enrichment. All major credit cards accepted.
 

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Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Rev. Ambulance,

I must confess to being an Evangelical Protestant American that had never heard of you before.

I like both hymns and praise/worship choruses (including some of the ones where people clap, raise their hands, and even sometimes dance).

Is there any hope for me?

Joyeux
 

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Posted by Beenster (# 242) on :
 
Rev my ole mate - how's it hanging.

I have a q. Just a small q, but if you can answer it will be well worth it for you as I will let you feel my breasts.

So. This if is your Third Coming, when the hell are you going to arrive? And how will we know when you have come?
 

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Posted by Neil (starbelly) (# 25) on :
 
Damn, I wish I could answer that one, but I can't

Neil
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Scot:

quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
...
You want to Pass it On.

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tomb, between your posts and your sig, there seems to be a new theme in your life. Good for you.

Now where's Flausa? I can't remember the second verse.

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Oh, Scot, I remember the second verse very well indeed. Inasmuch as the first brought on such teasing, however, I have no intention of posting it on the Ship--unless, of course, you send me rather a large quantity of gin.
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Gill H
Not that I would want to pre-empt the sainted Rev Gerald in any way, but are you aware that according to Genesis, you have dominion over these pigeons? Claim your sovereignty boldly as you step under that bridge, sister!

Pre-empt away, sibling. I couldn't agree with you more. It's just that dominion and sovereignty are little consolation when you're trying to streetpreach with distinctly inappropriate markings on your Baptism of Our Lord t-shirt. This not at all the visual aid one wants when preaching on the deposit of the Spirit.
 

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Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
Rev Gerald

One of the churches I go to has taken out all its pews, put in a total immersion jacuzzi and installed lots of overhead video monitors...

What it really needs, for the boring bits of the service, are some attention grabbing computer games..."hit the gay bishop with your bible" or "stone Peter Tatchell" maybe. Or even "pile up prayers for James Jones to be Archbishop of Canterbury..."

Or else some funky videos to show.

I see an opening here for you... do you think this could be a Word?

Maybe you should team up with the Funereal Sibling to produce some inspiring music for these efforts...

In eager anticipation

Sibling dragon.
 

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Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :
 
Pass It On is one of my absolute favorite tunes. We must have the second verse:

What a wondrous time is Spring
When all the trees are budding
The birds begin to sing
The flowers start their blooming
That's how it is with God's love
Once you've experienced it
You want to sing, it's fresh like Spring
You want to pass it on.


 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Ultraspike:
Pass It On is one of my absolute favorite tunes. We must have the second verse:

What a wondrous time is Spring
When all the trees are budding
The birds begin to sing
The flowers start their blooming
That's how it is with God's love
Once you've experienced it
You want to sing, it's fresh like Spring
You want to pass it on.

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quote:

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Originally posted by tomb:
Damn you. No gin for tomb this time around....

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quote:

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My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
I rose up to open to my beloved; and my hands dropped with myrrh, and my fingers with sweet smelling myrrh, upon the handles of the lock.
I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone

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Mmm, thank you Jesus.

I think it's quite clear what that's getting at, don't you? (But just as well the translators added those words in italics, just to make sure that the plain meaing of scripture was not lost on anyone.)

[ 29. July 2003, 10:08: Message edited by: Rev. Gerald Ambulance ]
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald,

May I take this opportunity to prostrate myself humbly before the Lord and ask for succour from a fellow traveller in Christ?

Thank you. Very kind of you.

Thing is, see, I need your advice. I have this deadbeat editor who has promised to send me copies of a magazine to which I have contributed on a number of occasions. But he hasn't sent me anything.

How do I pester him in a Christlike manner?

Yours subliminally

Wood
 

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Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Dear Rev Gerald

I know that someone as holy as yourself watches only godly television channels, and hence probably does not know about a forthcoming documentary on Channel 4:
Ibiza mission

May I ask if these are fellow believers who have joined your anointed mission to the lost souls of Ibiza, or dangerous heretics trying to pinch your idea?
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I bet it's that Kevin again.....
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald,

I'm sorry to bother you again, but several months ago I asked God for a newer car, and he has not yet answered my prayer. The situation is daily becoming more critical. My twenty year old piece of British-made junk won't last much longer and I really need God to send me a late model Toyota.

I vaguely recall that God enjoys burnt offerings and I thought maybe that might get His attention since my fervent prayers apparently have not. I tried find a bible at my house but could only come up with six copies of the BCP.

My question to you is: What kind of burnt offerings does the Lord enjoy? Does that steak I left unattended on the grill last week-end count? Does it have to be a perfect, unblemished offering if I'm only asking for a used car?

I checked at the local pet shop and they didn't have any white bullocks. Does the Lord have a preference between burnt puppies versus burnt kitties? If puppies, any particular breed?

I know you are a busy reverend, but I would appreciate an answer as soon as possible. My muffler fell off yesterday.

Sincerely,
Having to hoof it in the USA
 

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Posted by Al Eluia (# 864) on :
 
So if this is the 3rd coming of Gerald, was the last one just the pre-trib rapture of Gerald? And if so, who was raptured? Should I be worried about having been left behind?
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 
Dear Reverend Gerald,

Would it be presuming too much on the all-sufficient grace of our Lord to bother you again?

No? Why, very kind of you.

See, we have thise deadbeat supersonic soul-saving spiritual celebrity who, although having promised to answer our queries, has vanished without explanation.

How does one politely pester him in a Christian manner?

Yours pesteringly

Wood
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Invaluable Sibling Wood, etc.

Am on mission in Ireland,converting Catholics to Protestantism, and Protestants to Catholicism. It's a kind of exchange scheme.

Shall attend to/ignore all things on return.

ta ra
 

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Posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (# 359) on :
 
Sibling Spike
Down in the pits of Mystery Worship, there has been a discussion on the various levels of reverendness.
Can you tell me how reverend you are so that I know how to address you correctly in future?

Well, just how revered I am varies from person to person, sadly. If everyone addressed me in terms that reflected his (or her these days!) reverence, I would of course face a bewildering variety of terminology, as I deal in my ministry with all kinds from soul-hardened enemies of the light to crawly aspergilium lickers.

I am indeed all things (with some notable exceptions) to all men (and to all you-know-whom too these days, though with rather more exceptions).

Fortunately, "Rev." encompasses all these possibilities, as it can stand for many things from "reviled" to "revenant".
 

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
"Dear" "Rev" "Ambulance" ","

I know that your "sig" purports to link your foolish followers to your despicable diocese, but I have now discovered this is only a cover.

I put it to you that your true website is here.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Aha, so it's that sort of 'rev' (as in revs per minute)!
 

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