Ship of Fools: Heaven: Parables that didn't make the grade

Thread: Heaven: Parables that didn't make the grade Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Second Mouse (# 2793) on :

I was looking for something the other day, in a dusty corner of our attic, when I made a strange discovery...some old, dusty scrolls, covered with hebrew characters.

They're starting to crumble at the edges, and to be honest, the handwriting isn't great, but with the help of my trusty "Holiday Hebrew for Beginners" book, I've made a start on deciphering them, and it's intriguing stuff...

I am the good carpenter, and I hack my blocks of wood into shape...but they are prone to split and splinter...no, that's too insulting, the crowd won't go for that. Needs some work.

The kingdom of heaven is like a man with two daughters. They grew up and he married them off to older richer men, who didn't want to great a dowry...No, that's not what I want to say at all. Like the idea of a family and two kids though. It has potential...

I'm not quite sure what these scrolls could be, (or how they ended up in a West Yorkshire attic), but I'm beginning to wonder if they could be important somehow.

Anyone care to help me in this vital translation work? All offers greatfully received

Claire

[ 30. March 2004, 05:25: Message edited by: Coot W*nkMeister Eckhardt ]

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :

I have translated this one:
There were once two hamsters. One stored up for itself seeds and fruit in its cheek pouches, and took them to its nest. The other also filled its pouches, but temptation came and it gave in and ate of the food. A time of drought came upon that area, and the greedy hamster perished, but the other had sufficent to eat, and lived, and many were its descendants...

Posted by Jimi Kendricks (# 3274) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a small town where there was a poor man who had five un-married daughters and a rich man who had five unmarried sons. The poor man decided to host a party and planned to invite the rich man along with his five sons. As the poor man had no fattened cows and only one fattened lamb he and his daughters spent the day before the party hunting pigeons to cook for the main meal. After many hours hunting they had caught no pigeons. At the point of despair the eldest daughter noticed a lamb caught in a thorn bush. She quickly approached the lamb and noticed that the lamb was fat and healthy. She was freeing the lamb from the thorn bush to take it home when the owner of the lamb, the second son of the rich man, came along and caught her. "why are you stealing my lamb?" he asked her. "Erm, is this your lamb?" she replied sheepishly. "Yes, and you are stealing it!". "Oh, sorry. I'll leave now". So she left hurriedly and excused herself from probably the worst party ever the following night.

[ 16. September 2003, 14:52: Message edited by: Jimi Kendricks ]

Posted by Jimi Kendricks (# 3274) on :

Oops Second Mouse - I think I ripped off your parable... Sorry.... Must have done it subconsciously....

Posted by spark (# 4801) on :

A man was cleaning, no they want believe that. No wait... a woman was cleaning her house when she found a few gold coins that had been lost. she was so pleased she decided to invite all her friends. Then she remembered all the things that her friends had said about her last party. So it is with my father, he remembers everything, so...no not quite right - I am sure that there is a good story there.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

... and Jesus asked his mother to leave the room for a few minutes. And then he said: "Let the one without sin cast the first stone"...

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :

The lost sheep

there was once a shepard who had a hundred sheep, only one day, when he counted his sheep, one was missing! OH NO!! where has the sheep got to? So he went out and spent night and day looking for it, and eventually, just before tea time he found it. That night he had a party. Roast sheep was on the menu. God is like the shepard! When he realises that one of you is lost he comes out and finds you. he searches night and day for you. and has a party for you when you come home safe and sound.

You are the main course in the banquet in heaven.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

I have decided this thread was worthy of a mention in the caption competition. [Not worthy!]

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :

sophs [Not worthy!]

story on a scroll found in the next cave over:

A shepherd lost one of his sheep and he left the rest of his flock to search high and low for the poor lost one. After much searching he found it and although he was very weary he returned rejoicing to where he had left the others. But they weren't there; they had wandered off because they were, well, sheep.

He took his lone sheep back to the big empty pen.

The next day the shepherd woke to a mighty stirring on the road. His neighbor was grinning and praising God in a loud voice as he drove down the road a flock of sheep twice as large as the one he'd had the day before. "Look, friend! The holy teachers were right. God does want us to live in abundance. I awoke this morning and lo! my flock had increased to twice its size! Blessed be the name of the Lord!"

He became serious, "All you need to do, dear friend, is have faith as I do and you too will be blessed."

The shepherd sighed, looked at his one sheep, and tried to have happy, faith-filled thoughts.

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like this woman who is baking bread, and she like puts some -- uh -- something in it, and -- um -- at first it's like all off to one side, and then later, it -- ahh -- well it gets to where it's not just all off to one side any more.

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, that drops off the hand and down a crack because it is too small...no, drat, try another one...the kingdom of heaven is like the birds of the air, sitting in the trees, doing...no, no...in my Father's house, there are many rooms, including a very nice conservatory and a study where he keeps his books and stuff... can't get the hang of this...

Posted by Captain IT (# 3550) on :

So there were these two guys and they went to the temple and one said to the other, Look Aisle, altar, hym - that's what a bride says at the wedding I'll alter him... no, that's what Peter said at the pub last night....

There were these two guys and they went to the temple, and both were Pharisees and they stood up to pray, but one fell over because there was a ... no, there's something there, but what...

There were these two guys, brothers actually, and one day their Dad says go to the shops and buy some bread and says yes and the other no and lo, the father smote the one who said no a right ding about the ear and says "Get thee hence, thou sorry sack of lard..." Not quite right, I don't think - good for family discipline though...

Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :

The Kingdom of God is like a little tiny seed, it falls on the ground and gets eaten by the birds of the air - who are also a bit like the Kingdom as well, they make their nests in the trees (which, incidently are also like the Kingdom of heaven) and make their nests from twigs and leaves, which, oddly enough are also a bit like the Kingdom...

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

There was a bloke who was hungry. He saw a fig tree, but it didn't have any figs on it cos it wasn't the right season for figs. And figs taste horrible anyway. So the bloke was going to curse the tree but his mates said "Don't be daft, it isn't even the right season, and figs taste awful anyway. We're off for a kebab - you coming?". So lo he didst go with them to Ali Babas kebab shop and there was much gnashing of teeth.

Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...

The Gospel According to Swiss Tony

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a jar of vegemite.... hmmm, doesn't sound quite right somehow!

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :

The Lost Penny

Once there was a lady who had ten pennies. Only one day she lost one of them! She spent all day cleaning out her house and searching for the lost penny. It took her days to find it.

Then she realised that 10p isn't really that much anyway, and it'll buy you 10 1p sweets, or 2 packets of ketchup from a college canteen...so there wasn't much point in wasting a day looking for it when she could have been earning more money, or following God or something like that.

The God is like that women. He will search and search for one lost soul, taking days and weeks and years to get you. It's amazing really...that's just how much you mean to him. But it's kinda stupid really...i mean, he could have devoted that time to solve world hunger and peace and then have enough time for a game of footie with moses and co...

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :

There was once a woman who had ten coins. She lost one. She looked down the back of the sofa and there it was, together with three more, a pencil, three pieces of lego, and a bit of chewing gum covered in fluff. This is like the Kingdom of God.... er... no, hold on, that's not quite the effect I was looking for. [Confused]

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Stoo:
The Kingdom of Heaven is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...

The Gospel According to Swiss Tony

aren't you supposed to be working?

hmm. there must be a parable about the man who procrasinates and skives work....

J

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

There were these brothers see. And one of them dressed up in fur and went to his father . . . No, that's been done.

There was this farmer and he hired people to work in his field and it was like, I just wanna say hard work, you know. And the work wasn't really getting done so the farmer hired more workers. And then he paid the new workers just as much as the guys who had been there all day.
And the guys who had been there all day were cheesed pretty good and they formed a union to protest unfair working conditions. And then I just wanna say that the union was like the Kingdom of God because, well see, there was a guy in charge and he made the rules and all. No, No, No.

It was like the Kingdom of Heaven because all the union guys went to help look for lost sheep as a community assistance project. Hmmm. Needs work.

Posted by IntellectByProxy (# 3185) on :

Tortuf, you copied that verbatim from The Street Bible.

Plagiarist.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a bulb which one buyeth in the marketplace and puts by and forgetteth until it be found all shrivelled... Nope.
The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a bulb which one buyeth in the marketplace and planteth aha! that's more like it and it puts forth green shoots and the squirrels cometh and dig it up True, but not the point I was trying to make.
The Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a bulb which one buyeth in the marketplace and planteth and lo, the flower thereof is not like unto the image on the packet One of my better efforts there, I think. Just hope my biographers get all of this down.

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :

quote:
Originally posted by starbelly:
The Kingdom of God is like a little tiny seed, it falls on the ground and gets eaten by the birds of the air - who are also a bit like the Kingdom as well, they make their nests in the trees (which, incidently are also like the Kingdom of heaven) and make their nests from twigs and leaves, which, oddly enough are also a bit like the Kingdom...

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

IBP, I am insulted. [Roll Eyes]

Really.

This is just terrible. Accusing me of plagiarizing the Street Bible. I might have written the Street Bible for all you know. Haven’t you seen how attuned I am to the rhythms of the street? [Razz]

The ads sound interesting. Is it any good?

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

And so Jesus began to speak, and he spoke thus: "There once ... was an ugly duckling, with feathers all fluffy and brown ... " and at that point his disciples broke into a dance, with Simon Peter dressed as a chicken gone wrong.

Which, if not exactly like the Kingdom of God in Heaven, is much like a Parish Weekend talent show.

Posted by Lady A (# 3126) on :

found in a hidden corner of a synagogue cafeteria in some ruins where Jesus might have been a student

(This part has been scratched out, and meticulously restored)
The Kingdom of God is like getting your own pizza crust and being able to put on only the toppings you like.....
(much more scratching out)
The Kingdom of Heaven is like fresh baked bread where the yeast has risen like a man fresh from the grave...
(circled with stars drawn very badly all around)
There once was a hard working lunch lady. She did her best to make sure that the meals were a taste of heaven to come. The children at the school always talked about how bad it was. It didn't matter that swarms would come to eat and enjoy the food. They would always say that the food was bad. One day the lunch lady didn't show up. There was no food. The End.

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a man who had three servants, and the man went away into a far land to buy and sell and stuff.

And when he came back he gathered his servants around him and said, "What have ye done whilst I was gone?"

And the first servant saith unto him, "Here, master, thou gavest me ten coins, and I bought ten Lotto Super Cash Prize tickets, which thou canst have." And he did hand him the tickets. And the master saith unto him, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

And the second servant saith unto him, "Here, master, thou gavest me five gold coins, and I did buy five popsicles and gavest them unto thy children, who did eat thereof and were satisfied." And he did shew him the children which had stains upon their faces and were bouncing off the walls. And the master saith unto him, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

And the third and final servant saith unto him, "Master, thou gavest me one gold coin, and I still have it. I have not wasted it upon Lotto tickets, nor have I used it to poison thy children with sugar and artificial colours and flavourings. Here is thy coin."

And the master was wroth, and smote himself upon the chest, and tore his clothing, and saith unto the final servant, "And how is that supposed to help the economy, thou lazy and shiftless servant?! No tax break for thee!"

And he did throw him into jail, and lo he did not get out until he had paid the last penny.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

okay the kingdom of God is like the Sunday Times.

There's a supplement in it for everybody, you just have to look hard enough to find the one for you...

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. he knew that one road was known for having robbers and bandits on it, so he went another much safer way.

Hmm. Needs more action, I think.

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :

There once was a Dad and his two sons. The elder was a Good Boy but everyone loved the Bad Young Stud best.

This almost proved his undoing, since he Had His Way all the time. Heh. Had His Way alright, even to the point of cashing in family assets and running off to be a MetroSexual for a while.

When he finally came crawling home it became apparent nothing was gonna change- he was not held accountable and certainly would take the money and run again, given half a chance.

That's the way it always is with those spoiled, petted, pretty boys.

Go fer tha sturdy elder brother every time, gals, save ya some heartache.

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :

Ten virgins went.....

Oh wait, we can't tell parables like that in Heaven.

Posted by Madake (# 3343) on :

Now behold, two of them were traveling that same day to a village called Emmaus, which was seven miles from Jerusalem. And they were deep in conversation about how the blue that one man may see is like unto the blue of the sky whilst some other man seeing the very same sky may liken it unto the blue of the blooming iris, yet both see the same blue for each mans blue is like another mans yoke, and it is a easy yoke but blue.

(just for you Mad Geo) [Devil]

Posted by The Wanderer (# 182) on :

Mad Geo, the way I heard that one was that four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness. There's a lesson for us all there.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

Um. The lesson is that we should go to Inverness if we want to have a good time?

Posted by Queasy Jim the Cabin Boy (ChrisT) (# 62) on :

Arr, Cap'n Jesus and his crew were aboard their boat (the Scurvy Dick) preachin' the good news to the landlubbers on shore when a mighty fine squall blew a gale round about them. Cap'n Jesus said "Well, polish my barnacles and call me a trinket if I'm not gettin' powerful wet here. Let's go and drown our chills with a flagon of warmin' grog, me hearties". Which, arr, be exactly what they did.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

But were they wise or foolish virgins?

Can't imagine the wise virgins being *that* into having a good time.

They'd be too busy being wise. And being virgins. And going off to B and Q to buy bits and pieces for their lamps...

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :

Heavily scratched out, in the margin of a scroll was this:

There was a fisherman, a Rabbi and an Irishman....

Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a gaggle of teen-aged boys (with long purple and green hair) making fun of the bald prophet. Lo, the prophet whined to God about them. So Jehovah did smite them and cause them to have short, neat haircuts, and lo all their tattoos disappeared. Then did the teen-age girls laugh and point at the boys.

Heaven is like that, yea verily.

[ 19. September 2003, 13:45: Message edited by: jedijudy ]

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

So dis Jesus kid got down wid da homies an' giv' dem de low-down, da Word on da Street. He say "Man, you gotta be kiddin' me wid dese people round heres, dey know whack - dey not lovin' dey fellow man. Let me tell ya how it is in my crib. Where da streets is paved wi' gold an' all da people bumpin' and grindin' and dey is no guns and drugs and sh**. Dat's what I'm talkin' bout. Reeeeaaaal peace. So let's all just love one another, and I'm gonna start by lovin' dis little sweet ting just here. What's your name, girlfriend?" And all da homies dey was down wid it.

Word.

Posted by Second Mouse (# 2793) on :

Heck, ChrisT, I don't know what type of Hebrew-English dictionary you were using, but would you like to borrow mine instead? [Razz]

Claire

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :

A parody of a Platonic parable by Woody Allen ( Side Effects. New York: Random House, 1981.)

...Messenger: Hold everything! The senate has revoted! The charges are dropped. You value has been reassessed and it is decided that you should be honored instead.

Socrates: At last! At last! They came to their senses! I'm a free man! Free! And to be honored yet! Quick, Agathon and Simmias, get my bags. I must be going. Praxiteles will want to get an early start on my bust. But before I leave, I give a little parable.

Simmias: Gee, that really was a sharp reversal. I wonder if they know what they are doing?

Socrates: A group of men live in a dark cave. They are unaware that outside the sun shines. The only light they know is the flickering flame of a few small candles they use to move around.

Agathon: Where'd they get the candles?

Socrates: Well, just say they have them.

Agathon: They live in a cave and have candles? It doesn't ring true.

Socrates: Can't you just buy it for now?

Agathon: O.K., O.K., but get to the point.

Socrates: And then one day, one of the cave dwellers wanders out of the cave and sees the outside world.

Simmias: In all its clarity.

Socrates: Precisely. In all its clarity.

Agathon: When he tries to tell the others they don't believe him.

Socrates: Well, no. He doesn't try to tell the others.

Agathon: He doesn't?

Socrates: No, he opens a meat market, he marries a dancer and dies of a cerebral hemorrhage at forty-two.

They grab me and force the hemlock down. Here I usually wake up in a sweat and only some eggs and smoked salmon calm me down.

Posted by psyduck (# 2270) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a pinch of snuff - if you're rich enough, it gets right up your nose...

Posted by psyduck (# 2270) on :

The institutional church is like a man who stumbled on a treasure buried in a field. He fell headlong, knocked out two teeth, and went off, ignoring the treasure, to sue the farmer...

Posted by psyduck (# 2270) on :

A man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves. They would have beaten and stripped him, but he said "This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. It can blow your heads clean off your shoulders. Now, the question is - do ya feel lucky? Well, punks - do ya?"

Posted by psyduck (# 2270) on :

"And which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Oh yeah - the Scottish Parliament..."

Posted by Iron Sun (# 3288) on :

And the Lord shall return when you least expect it, which now that you know means when you used to expect it most is when you expect it least so in essense the Lord will really come back when you most expect it because that is when you least expect it but now when you most expect it is when you most expect it so really he'll come back when you least expected the first time around which of course now you expect it so he'll actually come back halfway between the time you most expect and you least expect it.... which will be about 7:43...but I'm not telling you if it's in the morning or evening because then you'd know when to expect it most which would mean that's exactly when he would not come.

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

There was this church in a rich neighborhood and all the members would walk in and put large denomination dead presidents into the collection plate at the door. And then came along this little old lady and she just put in a one dollar bill. The ushers began giving her grief, but it was all she had. Then they made her wait until everybody else had left the church before they would let her out of her pew.

So this is like the Kingdom of Heaven because the least shall be the last. Er, no . . . because the pot shall call the kettle. No, no, no. Because, um not all that glitters is gold. Nah. Because we don't need it, we got gold pavers.

Hmmm, needs work.

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

There was a faithful man and the faithful man gave a lot of money to Robert Tilton (the man with the second best hair in Christendom) and the man was very prosperous because he coughed up a lot of money to the Crystal Palace. And this was like the Kingdom of Heaven because I appeared as a 900 foot high parade float who was going to kill Robert Tilton unless he donated his hair. No. That's not it.

And this was like the Kingdom of Heaven because . . . because . . . I said so. That's why. Don't ask any more questions.

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

There was this Roman Centurion and he wanted to know if it was OK to eat pork. So he sent his chief servant to the grocery store to find out. And the cashier thought for a while and then sent the servant to the commissary where the servant was loaded up with MRE's. And the servant took the MRE's to the Centurion who tried some. And the Centurion decided there and then that pork was much better than a MRE, no matter what.

And this was like the Kingdom of Heaven because a can in time is worth nine. Um, because nobody makes it like Sarah Lee. Naw. Because you should never eat a meal designed by a bunch of guys.

Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :

Transcript from a talk to the Women of Jerusalem:

Which of you, when you are hanging washing out to dry, hangs it over a patch of sand where children play underneath?

(Answering question from the floor) Yes. Mm. True. Some clothes lines are fixed. Yer. Ya right. Continual walking out to them wears the grass out and makes it sandy. The point is...

If you know where to hang your clothes, how much more does your Father in Heaven know where to hang you? He will dry you in a place where you will stay bright and clean - and when you are dried out, he will take you into his house and fold you up nicely and put you in a drawer.

(Another question from the floor) Yes! That's right! Everyone can be a party dress instead of a pair of smalls. And the party goes forever!

Posted by Irish & Proud (# 4825) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like the British Government....

Well I don't really undersand what is going on with either !!

Posted by Irish & Proud (# 4825) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like the church...... No no-one would ever believe that!

The kingdom of heaven is like a Sunday School class. The answer to every question is 'Jesus'.

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

There was a young man from Kildaw
Who had lots of money and swore
He'd never let go
Of his oodles of dough
He didn't want to be like the poor

But Jesus said "Son, make a change
'Cos while you're at home on the range
There's people out here
With no money for beer
You must find it worrying and strange?"

But the young man was torn what to do
And he sat long and thought it all through
"If I give them my cash
I'll be nothing but trash"
So he went and pigged out on fondue

Posted by psyduck (# 2270) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like that spot on the pavement in Tom and Jerry cartoons, which grows, and grows while the cat just stares at it - and it turns out to be the shadow of a grand piano falling from fifteen floors up...

Posted by perceval (# 4742) on :

quote:
Originally posted by psyduck:
"And which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Oh yeah - the Scottish Parliament..."

How true, how true. I happen to work near the sight, erm, site.

Here's a small contribution from a Scottish worker bee:

Behold, the love of the Lord is like the Scottish Weather. Beating the hell out of you with storms and rain one minute, blowing you dry with piercing wind the next, finally warming you with the rays of the sun.

Geddit? Hell, Purgatory, Heaven!

~percival slinks off to hide~ [Embarrassed]

P.S.

to all other posters on this thread.

Posted by spark. (# 4801) on :

The Kingdom of heaven is like this. A man prepares a wedding banquet for his son. He kills the fatted calf and some lambs and some chickens and fresh fish. The guests are invited but when the wedding day approaches the man is challenged by his guests thus.

First guest - beef on the bone! are you mad. you can't have beef on the menu. Have you not heard of TB and CJD.
Second guest - Lamb - you cannot serve lamb. Have you not heard of foot and mouth.
Third Guest - Chicken - Is it free range? Have you not heard of salmonella
Fourth guest - Fish - most people I know are allergic to fish. Also have you not heard of herpesvirus and streptococcus.
We cannot come they all said, we are vegans and fruitarians.

Hearing this the man invited some other guests to the wedding feast as he knew that all he had made was good. So it is with my father in heaven he hates it when people are fussy eaters and has no plans for a vegan alternative.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a *really good* party.

Where everyone is interesting.

And no one feels out of place...

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :

The kingdom of Heaven is like a library - there's something there for everyone, it costs nothing, but for some reason very few people seem to care about it.

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like choosing school teams, only this time nobody gets left out.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

the kingdom of heaven is like a church where everyone is a priest...

...hang on...

Posted by St. Cuervo (# 4725) on :

From the Gospel of Andrew

And he taught them saying,

"The kingdon of is like this:

A rich man consulted with his Magic 8-Ball and asked, 'What must I do to be saved?'

The Magic 8-Ball replied unto him and said, 'Concentrate and Ask Again.'

And so concentrating and asking again, he said unto the Magic 8-Ball, 'What must I do to be saved?'

And the Magic 8-Ball replied unto him and said, 'Reply Hazy, Try Again.'

And so trying again, he asked of the Magic 8-Ball, 'What must I do to be saved?'

And the Magic 8-Ball replied unto him and said, 'Ask Again Later.'

And so later on he asked again and said unto the Magic 8-Ball, 'What must I do to be saved?'

And the Magic 8-Ball replied unto him and said, 'Cannot Predict Now.'

And so later still he asked again and said unto the Magic 8-Ball, 'What must I do to be saved?'

And the Magic 8-Ball replied unto him and said, 'My Sources Say No.'

At this he was greatly distraught for the man was sincere in his desire to be saved.

So the rich man took the Magic 8-Ball and jiggled it until it said unto him, 'Outlook Good.'

He who has ears let him hear."

Posted by Big Chaz (# 4862) on :

The kingdome of heven is like a man who has a vinyard and so he puts these tents there and then asks for chash but the tenents decied property is theft so they kill all his reps and or tell them to sod of so then he sends his son and they do like wise but he stiches em up proprly by burning there city down and inforceing his iron will....hum I like that one maybe it will go in

no Luke cant tone it down a bit Mat tell him will ya

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a big bowl of wood shavings.

Because I said so, that's why.

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :

Consider the lilies of the field. They neither toil nor spin but they brighten up the house, in a tasteful pitcher...not the image I was looking for...Not the smallest sparrow falls from the twig without my Father knowing about it and you, boy, with the catapult are going to get a thumping when He does...too severe?

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :

I like Rowan Atkinson's little-known saying of Jesus:

'It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel to.'

Posted by UrbanHermit (# 4658) on :

So one questioned him: "Teacher, is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?"
But he saw through that ruse and asked: "Show me your credit card. Whose portrait and inscription are on it?"
"Well, mine, actually" that other guy replied.
So he said to him, "Then give to yourself...er, hang on, that's not going to work like that is it...?!?"

Posted by St. Cuervo (# 4725) on :

And the kingdom of heaven is like a Ship of Fools that set sail on a five year journey of exploration and discovery. When the first officer asked the captain where they were going, the captain replied, "Why Mr. Spock, we are boldly going where no man has gone before."

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :

And he saith unto them, verily the kingdom of God is like unto a banana. For when a man sees a banana plant, he says, “Behold, a banana tree”. But I say unto you, the plant of a banana is not a tree, for it has neither a trunk nor a woody stem, and is an herb. And so many are deceived by the evil one.

And the fruit of a banana groweth not downwards, unto the earth, but upwards, unto the heavens, and thou art not to listen to the Disney, who understandeth not these things. But seek ye to grow upwards, as the banana does.

And the fruit of the banana has an handle, whereby thou might grasp it. But many do not grasp the handle, but peel the banana from the handle. And when the days of their eating are numbered, and the end of the banana is reached, they call out, “We have no handle, whereby we might hold the banana skin.” And I will say unto them, “Away from me, for thou didst not eat of the banana as I gave it unto you and I know ye not.” And there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth.

And the skin of the banana shall be discarded. And the skin of the banana shall be the falling and rising of many, at least in comic books.

He who has ears, let him hear.

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

And he spoke thusly to them and spake. He didst say this to them, and from his mouth these words didst come forth. Like a torrent of words were the words of his mouth with which he didst speak to them, and to them and them alone didst he speak. Not to any others, but verily to them alone he spoke these words. These were the words he spoke, and he spoke them thus: "Behold, I speak."

Add great was their rejoicing. Silly. Or should that be "selah"?

Posted by BillyDudeHill (# 4619) on :

I see you've found the Jesus files. He hid them in caves before he died or simply threw them out. Now we may piece together the more accurate...

Gospel According to Swiss Tony Christ

Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :

...and Jesus said to the crowd "The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed..."

The crowd protested "You have told this one before, come up with a new one!"

Jesus thought, and answered "Have I? I thought I did the Lost coin one with you lot?"

"you told us that one as well, he's run out!"

"how about the one about sheep ... oh, you've heard it ... grain of ... oh, ok"

And with that Jesus shut up and wandered off to get a pizza.

Neil

Posted by Ian M (# 79) on :

And as evening approached, the disciples came to him and said "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."

Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away - you give them something to eat."

"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish", they answered.

"Bring them here to me," he said. And having given thanks for the bread and the fish, he gave them to the disciples to distribute to the people. And behold it turned out that everyone had brought a picnic for themselves after all, so much that there were twelve baskets left over.

But there's still an important spiritual message to be drawn, right? - like, if you're going for a walk in the hills, spiritual food is great but you're still going to need a picnic. Stupid disciples, eh?

Ian M

Posted by Anselm (# 4499) on :

And Jesus spoke to the crowds saying,
"The Kingdom of God is like the triple point of water, it exists in...sorry, what did you say?
Oh, the TRIPLE POINT OF WATER... yes.
Well, it's that particular point of pressure and temperature where water exists simultaneously as a solid, liquid and gas....no, it's true, it really exists...the boiling temperature of water is decreased by an decrease in pressure, while the melting temperature of ice is increased with an decrease in pressure. So at a particular point of atmospheric pressure the boiling point and the melting point coincide. Yes, it is a bit hard to imaging what it would be like...let me try to explain...uh...let's see now...
The triple point of water is like the Kingdom of God."

Posted by Anselm (# 4499) on :

And Jesus stood on a hill and began to speak to the crowds saying:
"The Kingdom of God is like a man, who stands up on a hill and begins to speak to the crowds saying, "The Kingdom of God is like a man...""

Posted by King's Potty Monitor (# 5023) on :

And the guinea pig stood up and saith, 'Lo, the Kingdom of Heaven is like unto a giant guinea pig, which eateth the choice vegetation from the tops of the mighty trees of the forest, and, behold, one day it accidentally eateth of the forbidden fruit, and keeleth over, and lo, it dieth an horrible, painful death. It decomposeth not, since it falleth into a tar pit, yet it shortly becometh extinct, and leaveth only eensy weensy relatives with the breath of life in their little furry nostrils, who goeth forth and multiplieth unto the uttermost parts of the earth, until the whole earth shall know the squeak of the guinea pig, as the waters cover the sea.' The guinea pig, her tirade finished, sat down, and keeleth over, dead. They don't live long, guinea pigs.

Posted by geroff (# 3882) on :

Welcome, King's Potty Monitor - there must be a parable in there somewhere.

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :

quote:
Originally posted by ChrisT:
There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. he knew that one road was known for having robbers and bandits on it, so he went another much safer way.

Hmm. Needs more action, I think.

Second Draft:
There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. He didn't know that one road was known for having robbers and bandits on it, so he went that way. Along the way, he was set upon by the robbers and bandits and killed.

Wait... that's not any better.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a person who is calling their friends on a mobile phone.

And one person has their phone switched off

And another person has an engaged signal

And another person just has their voicemail on

And the next person is in an area where there is no signal

So when God finally gets through he is delighted and says this is great I have finally managed to get through to you, it's been seven years, why don't you come over for some fatted calf.

Have you ever thought how frustrating it must be to be God?

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like this:

A single career woman came to pack her winter clothes away for the summer, and lo, she was careful in her packing, and made sure all of the clothes of the woollen cloth were arranged in coverings of plastic, and she made sure she had taken them all to the dry cleaners, for behold, she was fearful of moth. And when she came to remove the clothes from the coverings as the year drew to a close, she found that some of her clothes had indeed been eaten by moth, yea, even some of her favourite clothes that she was sure she had taken to the dry cleaners. And one garment had been taken, and the garment next to it had been spared.

And she berated the Lord saying, why have you done this to me? For I was a good and faithful steward and I took my clothes to the dry cleaners and I packed them carefully, and yet you have taken one garment, and not another, and why have you taken my favourite grey trousers that go with everything, and not the hideous pink jacket my mother loves?

And the Lord spoke unto her and said, well it is all thy own fault, for thou hast put thy favourite grey trousers next to that red skirt which thou did not take to the dry cleaners because thou thought thou had not worn it for ages, but dost thou not remember the time thou went for lunch and dropped thy sandwich on the skirt, and lo, moths love that sort of thing. And thou left the plastic covering slightly open, too, so thou can hardly blame me.

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and the woman berated the Lord again saying, but now I will never find another pair of trousers the same, yea, not without trudging round all the shops and trying on all the pairs of trousers and they will all be baggy in the seat and tight in the waist because I know this, because I went round the other day and it was all like that.

And the Lord spoke unto her saying, well that is hardly my fault is it? If thou did not have such a peculiar figure thou would not find it so difficult to get trousers, would thou?

And there was even more wailing and gnashing of teeth.

[layout]

[ 01. October 2003, 21:55: Message edited by: chukovsky ]

Posted by psyduck (# 2270) on :

Siegfried:

quote:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by ChrisT:
There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. he knew that one road was known for having robbers and bandits on it, so he went another much safer way.

Hmm. Needs more action, I think.

Second Draft:
There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. He didn't know that one road was known for having robbers and bandits on it, so he went that way. Along the way, he was set upon by the robbers and bandits and killed.

Wait... that's not any better.

Third draft

There once was a man who was travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho. As he came round a bend in the road, he saw two men, a priest and a Levite, lying in the road, obviously having been mugged. And a Samaritan was helping them. He said to himself "Now, that's something you don't see every day..."

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

There was this king who was going to put on a wedding banquet for his son. A few days before the banquet he saw that nobody had RSVP'd. He sent his servants out to update the guest list for the caterer. Well, nobody would come, and it was too late to cancel the caterer without a big cancellation fee.

So the king set a big bouncer wearing sunglasses outside his banquet hall. Then the king hired some local out of work actors to play like they were trying to get past the bouncer. Pretty soon most of the kingdom was waiting in line to get into the banquet, but the bouncer wasn't letting them in.

And this is like the Kingdom of Heaven because . . . er, because . . . OK, so its not like the Kingdom of Heaven. Give me a break. You know, its not easy coming up with these parables. Especially when I always have to speak in ways scholars will be able to cross reference with the Septuagint. Everybody just go home.

Posted by Johnny Chis (# 4857) on :

And he spake unto them saying
"the kingdom of Dog is like a God who has fleas"
and they all looked up and had a good laugh.
And he began to spake again only this time rather than speaking unto them he now had their attention and spake to them.
He said
"the kingdom of God is like a dog and the people of God are like fleas and they bite and cause pain and unsightly rashes and loss of hair. And their is weeping and supturating, bleeding and puss. So god puts a bucket on the dogs head and gets one of those collars with a slow release insectacide and.
Umm hang on a sec I forgot where I was going with this.
But it was good when I first thought of it"
And he realised he was going to need a bloody good punchline but didn't have one prepared.

Posted by Anselm (# 4499) on :

From the Gospel according to St Judas (the patron saint of money):

The kingdom of God is like a new tax. It starts off small; so small that it seems insignificant. All the citizens let it pass and deem it unimportant, but as financial year follows financial year the tax grows and grows until no-one can afford to ignore it. Behold, it has no loop holes, and no exemption. It continues to increase until finally the whole world is paid over in tax......

...Ahhh....and that's a good thing.

Damn, I don't think this one is going to go over well.

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :

The Kingdom of God is like unto a very rich man who was dying. He asketh God for a special dispensation to take some of his wealth with him to Heaven. And lo, God did grant him a special dispensation. So he arriveth at ye pearly gates with two carrier bags. And St Peter saith unto him, 'You can't take it with you'. But he saith 'Nay, but I have a special dispensation; checketh you it out.' So St Peter checketh it out and lo, it is true. 'What you got in them bags anyway, mate?' saith Peter. And the man alloweth him to peek. Whereupon Peter beginneth to laugh, and calleth all his friends, and they beginneth to laugh too. For in the bags are many gold bars. And St Peter saith, 'I cannot believe this guy hath brought *pavement*!'

Posted by Ian M (# 79) on :

Hmm, can't help thinking I've heard that pavement one before somewhere...

Anyway, I like the mobile phone one - a great new take on the sower in there, methinks.

How about:

Once there was a man who decided to build himself a house on the sand. And he used a minimum of non-renewable materials, planting two new trees for every one he cut down and laying a careful pattern of logs for a base, so as to make minimum impact on the natural environment. And when the rain came and the floods rose, his house floated away and behold, he not only got to live somewhere new every few weeks but also had the warm feeling that comes from living in harmony with nature.

But there was another man who built his house upon the rock, and he hewed the stones for his house from the ground and built it up into a solid and imposing edifice, and when it was finished he sat down in front of his new flat screen television on his electrically-heated, multi-position armchair. But when the rain came down and the floods rose, firstly his Sky dish got knocked down when the decorative weathercock on his roof blew off, and secondly his whole house collapsed because the rock under his house had been weakened by the quarrying he'd done to get the stone for it.

And the morale of this story is, live lightly upon the earth - no, not quite the right ring - do not worry about tomorrow - not bad - do not grow proud and think you have your life sorted, for tomorrow your house will fall down.

Oh well, lots of ideas there anyway.

Ian

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

I 'eard dis one from a geezer I know, right? It's about dat dere Kingdom of 'eaven, and apparentallaly it's a bit like wot dat new sports centre down the road behind the bus station is like. It's all posh, right, and, like, clean. And you have to pay a bloody fortune to get in there.

You won't catch me in a place like that, no fear. Your round, you tight git.

Posted by Iron Sun (# 3288) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is where your flesh won't be burned off and your eyeballs won't be ripped out and you won't be in eternal agony like you will in HELL. If that isn't enough for you to be on my team, you're an idiot.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

the kingdom of heaven is like a person who knows they are going to die tomorow

but is looking at a beautiful flower

so that all they see is the flower

and all they know is the flower

and the world is a flower for them

and the flower is all the world

even if they will never see another one

they are not dying

they are living

the kingdom of heaven is living in grace

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

on crumpled piece of scroll in bin

The kingdom of heaven is like a church full of people who are in lovely happy families with lovely happy children with lovely happy smiley faces.

And everyone will be lovely happy smiley and middle class.

Yes, thats what churches look like and a lot of churches are awful suspicious you know of poor people or single people - feel *threatened* by them apparently - or people who aren't happy. And lovely. And smiley.

And people who go to church get to Heaven don't they? That is after all the point of churches. And even more so the point of being saved.

So heaven must be really lovely & happy & smiley!

Hang on hang on.

There was all that I said about hmm mourning people wasnt there? And hungry, thirsting people? And meek, downcast people?

And I came it seems for all the people who are ill and in pain and hurting. At least those are the only people who really seem to talk to me.

All the people *outside* churches.

Hmmm, needs some work.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

And there was a large evangelical charismatic church. And lo the people inside it were making a hell of a din. "Thank you Jesus!" they yelled "Thank you for saving me".

And there was a pastor with an ecstatic face at the front. It was Christmas Day and he was looking forward to having some time with his family. And he thanked the Lord with all his heart for the many good things the lord had given him.

His wonderful wife and his wonderful church and the marvellous things that were happening in his parish.

And for saving him.

And he prayed for all the countries in the world to be made Christian so they could pray just like him.

And he thanked God he was not a heathen in some God forsaken land where he might never have heard the Good News. Without which he could not Be Saved.

And he prayed for all the Lost of the town that they could also become just like him. Because he had got it so Right.

And he prayed for all the benighted of other denominations, who thought they were Christians, but obviously hadn't really Let Christ into their Hearts. As he had.

And he prayed for all the misguided people who thought they were Homosexual and the people who thought that was Alright and weren't listening to what God said in the Bible. Which was so clear. To him.

And for all the people who had just come because it was Christmas. And who weren't really in the Lord, like him. And his eyes fell on a woman at the back of the church, who was very inappropriately dressed for the weather. And he prayed, Lord make her more like us.

And the woman, who had been shopping, was also praying. For her children. And her future. And her rent.

She was praying, I know I'm not a good person, know that I'm not good enough for you, I don't know what I should do next, please show me.

And God came in with her. And God went out with her too.

Posted by musician (# 4873) on :

quote:
A rich man consulted with his Magic 8-Ball

St Cuervo,
what's a magic 8 ball please??

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

quote:
Originally posted by musician:

quote:
A rich man consulted with his Magic 8-Ball
St Cuervo,
what's a magic 8 ball please??

Lorne used one in the last series of Angel to answer the question "Has Cordy been a naughty girl?".

Does that help?

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :

The first commandment is this, thou shalt be nice to the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul and with all thy mind and with all thy strength. And the second is like, namely this, thou shalt be nice to thy neighbour as thyself.

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

Chapelhead, that was funny [Big Grin]

The Kingdom of Heaven is all too often like that story of Balaam. Except on this earth there are a lot of false words allegedly from God that come straight out of a mans ass.

Posted by biscuit (# 3550) on :

[scribbled on a margin]

Memo to self; flowers, here today, gone tomorrow idea here? Ditto good looks on woman, but if they cook well, that's forever. Query - cupboard love as a way of thinking about God's goodness? Some danger of prosperity heresy here?

[Different margin]

As innocent as children? Kittens (aaah)? Sky larks? doves? the new year?

As wise as ? Owls? Uncle Eli? Auntie Miriam? Snakes? (uggh, slimy!) whales?

b.
current variety: custard cream

Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :

biscuit, Proverbs that didn't make the grade is almost a whole thread in itself! hmmm....

Neil

Posted by Ormo (# 4805) on :

<starts chewing gum>

The kingdom of heaven is like this totally cute guy who like, asks you to senior prom and your like "No way!" So you tell casey and she's like "Whatever!". That's totally like the kingdom of heaven.

<struts off>

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :

[Overused]

Welsh Dragon's ones in particular [Overused]

Posted by doc (# 5060) on :

OK, a shepherd, fisherman and carpenter walk into this bar one day and proceed to hoist a few when the conversation turned toward the likelihood of any of them making it past the Pearly Gates. The fisherman thought it would be easier for a sheep to pass through the holes of his net. The shepherd thought it was about as likely as a square peg passing through a round hole. The carpenter, meantime, spies this drop dead gorgeous Samiritan walking though the door behind his mates and loses all interest in the converstation. They see this look of rapture on his face and ask him what he thought his chances were? With his mind still on the babe he says he didn't know for sure but he was d****ed if he wouldn't give it his best shot.

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :

The Kingdom of Heaven is like salt that a woman tooked and mixed into homemade playdough and lo, it was fun to play with but tasted disgusting... no, I need to ask Mum about this one...
There were many merry widows in Vienna in the days of the prophet Lehar... no, think I've got my history mixed up there...
The Queen of Sheba came from the South to sleep with Solomon.. no, I need to keep it clean...
Oh dang it, I'll just tell stories about men.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

The kingdom of heaven is like a man who saw a new poster on the boards and dropped everything and ran to welcome him saying, "Welcome, welcome, Oh new poster, to this place...be ye happy in this place and let us have a banquet and kill a fatted calf, and everyone rejoiceth (except the fatted calf...)"

i.e. nice to have you aboard doc...

Posted by biscuit (# 3550) on :

[Note to starbelly... IIRC, parable also means saying, riddle or proverb as well as story]

Found scratched out in the middle of a different story.

quote:
And then the younger son says to the father "Whoa pops, better watch the cholesterol on the meat there - got any slim-line calf too?"

b.
today's variety: Garibaldi

Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :

The Second letter of the Theologians, Chapter 12 verse 14.

And he taught them saying:

The Kingdom of Heaven is like this. A man findeth a treasure in a field, and selleth all that he hath to buy that field. Then when he hath bought the field, the government sayeth unto him,'This is treasure trove and belongeth to the Crown.'and taketh the treasure and putteth it in a great museum, and chargeth him to see it. And, lo, because he hath already sold all he hath, he hath not the money needeth to see the treasure. And he went out and wept bitterly.

Hang on, this is not quite right is it...

[italicisation]

[ 11. October 2003, 10:07: Message edited by: Balaam ]

Posted by Timothy (# 292) on :

And He said, Verily, the Kingdom of Heaven is like the Internet, for on my Father's server there are many web sites, and unto them that have fast connections shall much be given.... And the Pharisees and hypocrites shall say, Lord, Lord let us link unto you...and I shall say unto them, Error 404, thou hypocrite, I know thee not...And there shall be much gnashing of teeth and an eternity on hold with Tech Support..."

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

And he said yea and the Kingdom of Heaven is like the city of Oxenford, that hath many streets and many parking wardens and many double yellow lines.

And he that is wise hath prepared a place beforehand, and hath determined the way.

But he that is unwise, and hath left too little time, shall drive around the one way system screaming and cursing and making those little gestures out of the window of the vehicle that he hath.

And the car park that pertaineth to the railway station shall lie before ye and appear enticing but unless ye knoweth the way in ye shall drive up and down past it with your heart rate elevated alarmingly and never determine the Way In.

Especially if your train is in 10 minutes time.

For straight is the gate and narrow is the way, and mightily obscured down a side street, and legion are the traffic wardens.

And there shall be cursing and gnashing of teeth.

Posted by biscuit (# 3550) on :

Found scratched out in the middle of another story

And the woman went and celebrated with her neighbours saying "See that snooty cow at no. 24 was wrong - I did find the coin"

b.

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

There was once a man who left his fathers house and travelled to a far away country. There he spent all he had on riotous living, frittering away his inheritance on loose women and drink. And he had such a great time he decided to stay, getting in with a millionaires daughter who was addicted to the drugs he was selling. And lo, he now stars as the baddy in Hollywood blockbusters. But you shouldn't be like that man, oh no.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

There was once a poor man who lived all on his own except for a little baby lamb who he loved like a daughter.

One day his rich neighbour invited his rich friends to a feast, and decided to feed them on the poor man's lamb.

So he sent his steward to the poor man's house and he offered 2 shekels for the lamb. The poor man said he'd accept no less than 5 shekels. After some hard bargaining and a few cups of spiced tea, the lamb was sold for 3 shekels 50.

The banquet went well. The rich man was especially pleased as the King himself attended with his beautiful young wife, and they had a great time.

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

The kingdom of God is like the 7A bus.

You do not know when it will come

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :

quote:
Originally posted by welsh dragon:
The kingdom of God is like the 7A bus.

You do not know when it will come

Mk II - with apologies to wd for nicking a funny idea

The kingdom of God is like the 7A bus.

You do not know when it will come, and when it does, three will turn up at once. And then you'll have to pick which one is really truly going to the town centre, and not diverting or stopping along the way.

Hmmmmmm...

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :

The Kingdon of GOd is like the 7A bus, you know not when it will arrive, and when it does, you must be in possession of coins of the right denomination, lest you not be permitted to travel.

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :

The Kingdom of God is like the 7A bus. The paintwork may be shabby, the interior moth-eaten, the passengers bad tempered and the crew surly. But the engine will keep on ticking forever.

UBB.classic^TM 6.5.0