Thread: Hell: Trapped in Hell. Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.
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Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on
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Thanks a lot guys. The boards shut down and lock for the trip across the pond without warning and I’m trapped inside Hell for three days.
Man, it’s a big place. And I had never realised the variety before.
All the Hellion’s who make one liners are stuck in dull concrete telephone call centers. Over and over they start their spiel, only to be hung up on after a tirade of abuse. Over and over, with nothing of substance to say.
The jousting fields are superbly cultivated and simply enormous. The only blemish to this picture being the occasional deceased equine scattered about, obviously from previous battles. The crusaders, all immaculately prepared, astride their thoroughbreds, prance and run along the competition fields. But unfortunately, with only one rider to a field and the enormous size of the arenas, they have no one to engage in battle and no one can hear their screams of anger.
Centrally, there is a huge arena. In the middle a small spot lit area and in the surrounding stands, thousands of people throwing excrement at the poor bastards in the middle. Unfortunately, due to poor aim, the crap is hitting all in the stands as well as those in the spotlight. No one seems to mind and it is a hub of noise and activity.
Almost inaudibly, I hear ‘Only two people at a time; I say, that is simply not sporting’
Quietly in small cubicles underneath, several are muttering to themselves. ‘It’s a subjunctive past tense, not future; you ignorant twits.’ All else ignore them.
Forlornly wandering around, their radiance dulled by their blood and the muck they have been sprayed with are the oddities of Hell, chanting almost as a mantra ‘I Thought This Was A Christian Website’ to the sound of whimsical laughter.
In the deepest dankest part of Hell is a pit. The sign says. Beware of the Trolls. I cannot describe the creatures, for although I could hear their cries, and smell their offensive nature, I respected the sign stating ‘Hosts and Admins Only – Everyone else Bugger Off and Shut the Hell Up you Tosspots’.
Unusually, none of the denizens have shoes. In fact, there is not a boot to be seen.
Down the far end, almost out of eyesight, certainly out of earshot, are the Host Mansions.
Rook has his own mountain range for tramping, on call nursing and interestingly, a thesaurus of imaginative insults. It is well thumbed. The garage with a fine selection of high performance machines is particularly enviable.
Marvin, in his building; scribed in enormous glowing letters ‘IT IS NOT MARTIN YOU TURDS’ has a huge library on almost every subject. Interestingly, his posts are entirely written by machine, whilst Marvin sits back in front of the fire, sipping Port and smoking a fine cigars.
Sarky’s is a Hellishly themed bar. On every available surface is a different form of fork, with sharp nasty and well utilised tines still dripping with the body fluids of denizens. All the seats are well worn, and above the bar is a sign stating, Hosts and Admins only; Management reserves the right to humiliate, destroy and humble at any time.
Overhead, the Gator flies in an old sopwith camel, periodically firing at and scattering the denizens of this land. Periodically, a body from Purgatory is cast out of the plane to land unceremoniously amongst the others. A deliciously evil cackle can be heard. Even the Hosts seem wary.
And as I clawed my way to sanity, I observed an enormous pile of manure and I wondered how deep it was for I feared I would be in it very soon…
After three days, my mind all the more fractured, my spirit broken, my body weak and malnourished, I crawled from the computer wondering if any others survived a similar horror of entrapment in Hell.
[ 25. February 2006, 00:01: Message edited by: Sarkycow ]
Posted by Og: Thread Killer (# 3200) on
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You had a lot of time to compose that.
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on
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There's a lot to be said for one liners. They're easy to scroll past for one thing.
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on
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The Emperors of the kingdom dolorous
From their breasts forth issued advice;
And better that I adhere
To those giants whose arms contain the hellions;
Consider now how great must be that whole,
Which unto such parts conforms itself.
Were they as fair once, as they are now acerbic,
And lifted up their brows against Heaven,
Well may proceed from them all tribulation.
O, what a marvel it appeared to me,
When I beheld the three faces on their heads!
The one a vermilion leaf was;
Two were the others, that were joined with this
Above the middle part of either shoulder,
And they were joined together at the crest;
And the right-hand one seemed like a planet;
The left was such to look upon as those
Who come from where the Channel passes Guernsey,
Underneath each came forth two mighty wings,
Such as befitting were so great a bird;
Sails of the sea I never saw so large.
No feathers had they, but as of a bat
Their fashion was; and they were waving them,
So that three winds proceeded forth therefrom.
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on
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This thread is my idea of hell. More poetry. Ok, y'all have driven me back to Mother Duchess's big ass screen tv...where she is forcing me to wrap up watching episode one of "Country Boys" sad look in my mom's eyes..."I thought you would love this! I thought of you when I watched this...
I'm gone. ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
[edited to correct dang grammar. shucks.]
[ 16. January 2006, 01:19: Message edited by: duchess ]
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on
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What was snowpiss saying? I gave up after the seventeenth paragraph or so.
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on
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I think it was a metaphor, or an allegory, or something. Possibly indigestion.
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on
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Indigestion as metaphor. Quaint.
Posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep (# 5267) on
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Um, doofus? Big red sign, says 'Log out'.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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Whatever, it provoked a glorious poem from Tortuf. Now I am going to have starry-eyed fantasies about him reading it aloud with his famously gorgeous speaking voice.
Siiiigh. ![[Axe murder]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on
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While I appreciate the flattery, I had better give credit where credit is due. The good parts of my poem belong to Dante Alighieri.
Have a look at Canto 34 of the Inferno. It just seemed appropriate somehow.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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I figured it was a take-off on something. Still,nicely done.
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on
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Merci. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
PATDYS, OP seemed like an attempt at epic poetry about our lovely Hell Hosts.
People just think they are mean. In reality they are weary of all of this nonsense of seeming threatening and harsh while hosting in Hell.
Why, with my intimate personal knowledge of the Hell Hosts, I can let y'all in on a secret or two.
RooK, who seems impervious to warm human feeling was once found holding onto a Teddy Ruxpin in a Toys R Us, and crying about his Boo Boo Bear. Marvin, who seems like a proper English Gentleman, carrying about his tightly furled umbrella, is actually an fanatic adherent of Stephen Gaskin, who lives on The Farm. Sarky, my goddess of the boards when she posts, is not the 20 something blond bombshell she pretends to be. She is actually one Ethyl Bainbridge, charwoman to the stars.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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...and Tortuf likes to run into donut shops and yell "What are pennies made of? DIRTY COPPER!!!"
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on
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Well then suddenly we heard a siren
And everybody started to run
Jumping out of doors and tables
Well I heard somebody shooting a gun...
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Marvin, who seems like a proper English Gentleman, carrying about his tightly furled umbrella, is actually an fanatic adherent of Stephen Gaskin, who lives on The Farm.
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
I've got a Farm streak, hidden away somewhere. Way cool that it's still around after all these years! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow:
Marvin, in his building; scribed in enormous glowing letters ‘IT IS NOT MARTIN YOU TURDS’ has a huge library on almost every subject. Interestingly, his posts are entirely written by machine, whilst Marvin sits back in front of the fire, sipping Port and smoking a fine cigars.
Port? I think not. It's good for swigging out of the bottle at halftime in a rugby match and not much else.
A decent Merlot, on the other hand ...
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on
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Bugger. And I tried for accuracy too.
Tortuf, Thankyou for your muse and inside knowledge.
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on
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*sniffle*
I would have enjoyed getting stuck on the boards, in any section.
Well, maybe not a tat-filled ones, I dunno, having not spent a lot of time being concerned with tat.
Posted by ozowen (# 8935) on
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I wish I knew some one liners
Posted by Pânts (# 999) on
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So is someone gonna summarise what was said? Or did no one get that far?
Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on
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As I understand it Pânts, the pop-up version will be out by next Christmas. Do you think you can wait until then?
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
*sniffle*
I would have enjoyed getting stuck on the boards, in any section.
Well, maybe not a tat-filled ones, I dunno, having not spent a lot of time being concerned with tat.
Anyone else misread "tat" there? C'mon, someone musta done.
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on
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As much as it irritates the hell out of me to say this, if tomb were hosting here, I doubt this thread would be open much longer.
eta: maybe I should delete this
[ 16. January 2006, 13:22: Message edited by: duchess ]
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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There is usually one pointless thread to irritate the Hell Hosts and this appears to be it.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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Oh, the sole point of this thread is to irritate the hellhosts? Ok...
I'd put the full 8, but I'm an underachiever.
Posted by Pânts (# 999) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
As I understand it Pânts, the pop-up version will be out by next Christmas. Do you think you can wait until then?
I guess. It doesn't sound like it's very interesting anyway.
Will the pop up version have red maple leaves in it?
Posted by Og: Thread Killer (# 3200) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Pânts:
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
As I understand it Pânts, the pop-up version will be out by next Christmas. Do you think you can wait until then?
I guess. It doesn't sound like it's very interesting anyway.
Will the pop up version have red maple leaves in it?
They might be changed to blue, depending on our election next week.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
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Actually I just re-read the OP and it's really quite good.
Problem is it's so good, The hellions can't possibly add to it.* Hence thread failure.
*gauntelet alert
Pissy, copy-paste it to RooK's Holy Asshole thread in heaven and see if it flies there. My suggestion.
Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on
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Nice try, PATDS. One day you may realise that creativity is not appreciated in Hell.
H&E - not an example, but a dire warning.
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Ham'n'Eggs:
One day you may realise that creativity is not appreciated in Hell.
Sez who? ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posted by Zwingli (# 4438) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Actually I just re-read the OP and it's really quite good.
Assuming you're serious, I had to agree. The OP was quite amusing, though definitely the work of a man with too much time on his hands. I swear some denizens seem to need psychiatric help every time the Ship goes down, to cope with the gaping hole in their lives.
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on
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Honestly, I've tried to read it, but I have trouble getting past the first line where he whines about the Ship going down without a warning. There was warning, dumbass, in the Styx. There was mention of it in one thread plus a sticky thread by Erin. Perhaps the rest of his OP was creative, but when he starts with such a plonker, the rest is just a waste in my mind.
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on
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So unforgiving. Artistic license perhaps?
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on
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I tend to be dreadfully unforgiving when people take cheap sideswipes at The Management™.
Posted by m.t_tomb (# 3012) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I think it was a metaphor, or an allegory, or something. Possibly indigestion.
I'd say the genre is Apocalyptic.
Posted by Pânts (# 999) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Flausa:
Honestly, I've tried to read it, but I have trouble getting past the first line ...
Wait for the pop up version too?
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Flausa:
I tend to be dreadfully unforgiving when people take cheap sideswipes at The Management™.
Have to answer this.
I have avoided posting because I backed myself into a corner to a certain extent. I couldn't continue the theme myself, because it would be in direct reponse to the replies and go from a bit of fun to being spiteful.
I didn't want to have to justify my OP either because as a bit of fun, it either worked or failed on it's own merits. Joke suck when you have to explain them
But I feel I must answer this. Flausa, I am aware of the thread in the Styx and was so prior to the boards shutting down. In fact the boards shut down later and reopened earlier than I expected.
I have nothing but the utmost respect for the admins and for the hosts and for the boards and denizens themselves. I would ask you to reread the OP with the understanding that it was written from a postion of respect and humour. The humour, judging by the responses has been a bit hit and miss, but that's OK.
quote:
And as I clawed my way to sanity, I observed an enormous pile of manure and I wondered how deep it was for I feared I would be in it very soon…
Thankyou to those who have thrown flotation devices, the depth was deeper than expected.
Unfortunately, the Popup version has had to be put on indefinite hold.
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow:
I have nothing but the utmost respect for the admins and for the hosts and for the boards and denizens themselves.
Och aye.
quote:
I would ask you to reread the OP
While I can forgive the former, I must admit there's still too many words in the OP for me to read the whole thing. I'll just have to trust Kelly's judgment that it's funny and sit on the sidelines with Pants waiting for the Pop-up version. I do sooooo much better with small words and pictures these days.
Posted by IntellectByProxy (# 3185) on
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Don't like it? Don't read it. It's not like anyone had a gun to your head.
You always have the option of turning away from the screen, blinking into the middle distance and then maybe going out for a nice walk in the sun, whisking a few fallen leaves with your feet and remarking on the general loveliness of January afternoons.
Outside exists: I've seen it myself.
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on
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quote:
Originally posted by IntellectByProxy:
Don't like it? Don't read it.
But how will you know you don't like it if you don't read it? (I read it all the way through and liked it, BTW. But then I'm remarkably easy to entertain.)
quote:
You always have the option of turning away from the screen, blinking into the middle distance and then maybe going out for a nice walk in the sun
Not if you're sitting around for the second day in a row waiting for the plumber to come you don't.
Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on
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quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
As much as it irritates the hell out of me to say this, if tomb were hosting here, I doubt this thread would be open much longer.
eta: maybe I should delete this
Maybe you should have deleted it. Too late.
Meanwhile, I rather liked it. Kelly's got it bang to rights though - it's a stand alone, rather than something to be added to I think.
Sarkycow
Posted by Pânts (# 999) on
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quote:
Originally posted by IntellectByProxy:
Don't like it? Don't read it.
I wanted to read it. But it had too many words.
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on
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and some big ones, too.
Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Ham'n'Eggs:
One day you may realise that creativity is not appreciated in Hell.
Sez who?
Are you calling me a sockpuppet? No, that would be much too sophisticated.
Is your memory retention span calibrated in microseconds?
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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There's creativity and C[R{E!A+T>I|V\I-T<Y though, Hammy. Yours was just the wrong sort. ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
Posted by HopPik (# 8510) on
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Nite all. I won't be turning the lights out.
Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Yours was just the wrong sort.
Was? Aha! A compliment.
<makes note in worn-out Woolworths exercise book>
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