1. Fuck off fluffy bunnies - this is Christmas in Hell.
2. Twee, cutesy, or otherwise Heaven-worthy posts will be summarily dealt with.
3. Your post can be two or four lines of verse to add to the poem, or it can be more free form, to tell of tangents along the way.
4. Keep with the theme. Fuck off fluffy bunnies - this is Christmas in Hell.

quote:

---

Now, Bastards! Now, Bollox ! now, Damners and Shitzen!
On, Custard! On, Cursers! on, Blunders and Fixen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now burn away! burn away! burn away all!

---

The crippled old perv gave commands to his cronies
No reindeer were these, but disease-riddled ponies
Their bodies were blistered as if by a curse
And hideous enough to make even nuns curse.
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
They got out their lighters, and set to their tasks
with oxy-acetylene torches and masks.
They're trying to burn down my garage and house
but they hadn't reckoned on me and my spouse...
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Six shots to the head
Blew Santa off his slider -
'With yer hood pulled up
Yer looked like Al Quaida'

'How do we know
You're not a bomber on a mission?
Better subject the reindeer
To extraordinary rendition'
 

---

Posted by HangarQueen (# 6914) on :
 
Getting back to Sarkycow's original stanza,

In Hell's kitchen the Devil,
Whislting Christmas Rhyme,
Was stuffing Jerry Springer
With Rosemary and Thyme.
 

---

Posted by HangarQueen (# 6914) on :
 
An hour in the oven,
All succulent and tender,
A fine hors d'oeuvre
For my Christmas bender.

[whoops: cross-posted with Firenze]

[ 16. December 2005, 13:02: Message edited by: HangarQueen ]
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Rosemary really felt
She was going through the wringer
'Could be worse; I could be
Stuffed with Jerry Springer'
 

---

Posted by HangarQueen (# 6914) on :
 
Then Satan cried "Oh, shit!"
And to his head his hand flew.
"I forgot to defrost him,
Now what shall I do?"
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
But Satan being Satan
And a fairly nasty fella
Didn't mind his guests
Catching salmonella.
 

---

Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
In a shower of sparks and smoke came the Hosts
Who had been sentenced to Hell to read all the posts.

There's Marvin the Martian, who's raygun dismembers,
And SarkyCow gleefully roasts us on embers.

Then, last but not least, with his maple-leaf tuque,
and rapier wit is the one we call..... Ruque????
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
An interlude passes,
As CM jumps in;
'Midst jokes about gasses,
Drunk Santas on gin,
And all manner of things both noxious and rude,
In comes CM to brighten the mood!
In a loud and stentorian voice he does cry,
"HA! Think this is the worst? Not at all, say I!
"For I know of things which shall trouble you so,
"That under your beds, cow'ring you'd go,
"To see some of the piccies in newsgroups I've seen
"Would cause quite a few of you to let out a scream
"And wish that you'd never, not ever, been born --
"I speak of that seasonal thing: SANTA PORN!
"Oh, that jolly old man, with his gut and his beard
"Is quite tailor-made for us bears, but it's weird
"To see the same images 'gain and again
"Of Santa Claus spanking and ****ing nude men!
"After a while, the things write themselves
"(Including the frequent gang-bangs with the elves)
"I'm not making this up, no no, not a whit
"I've seen dozens of pictures and stories and shit!
"And every time someone fills up this tired pigeon-hole
"They think that they are the first and original!
"I just want to say that they're not, and my snoring
"Is not post-coital; I just find it boring.
"I hope that regarding that trend, this'll go
"Allowing for better stuff under the mistletoe
"Santa may know who is naughty and nice,
"But "Naughty Santas Gone Wild!" leaves me cold as ice.
"Not to be nasty or get you all down,
"But this stuff is worse than old Ouchy the Clown!*
"I do tend to love many bearded old men,
"But not the same porn stuff again and again!
"So, repetitive artists, one thing I do list;
"Retire from erotica; you shall not be missed."
And with that request, CM sped on his way
To go on to brighten another thread's day!
"One thing I leave with, and this I say most:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good post!"

David
* link would not be work-safe; look him up yourself, if you must
 

---

Posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep (# 5267) on :
 
"Tis true!" the wee Sheepish one cried,
"CM tells of the things from which mere mortals hide,
But I'm here to warn ye of a fate worse than Santa spooge,
Forwarded emails to get you in the 'Christmas Mood'!
Tales of poor children getting their fondest wish,
Recipes for 'The BEST Gefilte Fish!!!'
Photoshopped Elves singing MIDI tunes,
And enough 'Christmas Wars' newsletters to make grown men swoon.
Why is it that no one can remember
How to use punctuation and grammar at the end of December?
 

---

Posted by Archimandrite (# 3997) on :
 
Now David is gone and his post's at an end
To this hideous saga we must all attend...

"Not far from the scene of our horrible tale,
about half a mile: there you cannot fail
to see the town square with its drunkards so merry
and twelve-year old tartlets a-hawking their cherry,
and there, in the corner there sits one half-dead
with a stained fur-trimmed hat adorning his head.
He holds up a banner upon which is writ,
'Keep Xmas as Xmas' (in the colour of shit):
"I love," quoth the urine-soaked ne'er-do-well,
all things about Christmas, its noises and smell,
and each day at six I am ready for fun:
I heat up a microwave Turkey-for-One."
His house is adorned with the tackiest lights,
Inflatable angels illumine the nights,
And after his dinner, as Christmas draws near,
in the heart of this happiest time of the year,
he goes to the square with his banner so foul
and bellows and bellows his dread, dismal howl:
"I used to be someone, but I was forgot,
I was bigger than Lennon, the whole bloody lot,
It's MY birthday, Christmas, the clue's in the name!
Two thousand long years I have been at this game!
And now I'm an adjunct, discarded, outpriced:
At Xmas there's none who's worse off than the Christ."
 

---

Posted by Sophie Bell (# 8822) on :
 
Ahem, said a small voice away in the back,
“Forgive my poor rhyming, I’m a bit of a hack,
but despite all your woes of shitty email and Santa’s gone queer,
be grateful you’re not working retail, this time of year.”

“Oh the stories we poor mall-dwellers can share,
of small children gone mad, and shoppers who scare.
The crowds at the door who simply won’t wait,
And trample you down as you open the gate.”

“The joy of wearing a hot pink Santa hat
While fitting a woman who is far beyond too fat
For a bit of chiffon with some rhinestones affixed
And convincing her it will make her a minx.”

“Oh guiding around the befuddled men
Who’ve not bought for their wives since the kiddies turned ten
Showing them this bit of lace and that bit of fluff
Disgusted they don’t know which size is enough.”

“I love Christmas for it brings me a raise
Which it certainly should, for putting up with the craze.
But Happy Christmas Music makes me want to scream
Because I’ve been hearing it since Halloween!”
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Carex:
In a shower of sparks and smoke came the Hosts
Who had been sentenced to Hell to read all the posts.

There's Marvin the Martian, who's raygun dismembers,
And SarkyCow gleefully roasts us on embers.

Then, last but not least, with his maple-leaf tuque,
and rapier wit is the one we call..... Ruque????

---

Behind them appeared
Hellish denizens a-plenty
And some demons and imps
Numbering around twenty

[ETA: Nice interludes and cross-poems ]

[ 17. December 2005, 17:39: Message edited by: Sarkycow ]
 

---

Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
{After the original)

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
I said, 'I'm with PETA, you murdering brute!
To make yourself pretty, which animal rare
was skinned just to keep your arse warm in night air?'

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke of it choked me; 'You prat! I can't breathe!'
I cried as I wheezed, my anger aroused,
'You can smoke in't back garden, but not in this house!'

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
'I know about your type,' I said, 'from the telly,'
'You fatties are taking much more than your due;
No bloody mince pies, Lardie, rice cakes for you!'

He sprang to his sleigh, and he cheerfully laughed.
Til I said: 'Got a licence for driving that craft?'
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
'Bugger off, you daft sods! Do your own Christmas Night!'
 

---

Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
(after Sarky's last post)


They wore black leather g-strings
That shone in the glow
Of the fires of hell
Burning up all the snow.

Sarky Cow sniffed the air,
"I can smell something funny."
She whipped round to glare
At a small, fluffy bunny.........

[ 17. December 2005, 20:00: Message edited by: Ags ]
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Much debauchery was going that night; drunken skunks & skinmag skimmers sunk, putting more darkness in the light...

When out of the chimney popped some fat bitch with a steel-plated RSV to see what was the matter.

"Get Up glitzen, up dancer, up rudolph, up prancer!"

Then she looked off to the right and saw an even more heinous sight; CDs of praise songs were being burned by a pestilential Dick Van Dyke!

He lurched at her, & grabbed his overflowing bag...

"You won't get me praise songs lassie this day, I hate hymns and will break church tradition every which way!"

His horrid cockney accent made her clutch her chest with fright and faint...as he ran to the pub to have yet another pint.

[argh]

[ 17. December 2005, 20:14: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
See amid the winter snow
Drunken elves in a row:
It came upon the midnight clear
Another raucous shout of 'Beer!'
O little town of Bethlehem
Your gutters run with spew and phlegm
O come all ye faithful
And have another faceful
Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht
We're all completely facked.
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Then a punkish Fundie came stalking down the road
With a face as bitter as a toad:

"I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.
Santa is just a respelling of Satan."
 

---

Posted by HopPik (# 8510) on :
 
So fire and sulphur spewing around
Santa gave forth a terrible sound
And rearing above the whole earth in a rage
Said, Come all you children, it's time to engage
In destruction and mayhem, the end of all pleasure
Let's give all those demons a time they will treasure.
 

---

Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by MarkthePunk:
Then a punkish Fundie came stalking down the road
With a face as bitter as a toad:

"I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.
Santa is just a respelling of Satan."

---

<tangent class="related">

Santas go on rampage in New Zealand

</tangent>
 

---

Posted by Cusanus (# 692) on :
 
[slight tangent]

Hey Santa Claus you c**t, where's me f*cking bike
 

---

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
'Twas the night before Christmas in the White House
And nothing was stirring save Dubya, the louse
He sat in his office composing his list
For Saint Nick and he'd really insist
That after Iraq and Afghanistan
He really would like to get his hands on Iran
The Ayatollahs' days he thought were quite done
What they needed instead was Pat Robertson
He knew already that whate'er may transpire
He'd go down in history as a man of empire
Reagan had decried another empire as evil
But what of an emperor with the brain of a weevil?
 

---

Posted by m.t_tomb (# 3012) on :
 
Our annual argument fast approaches;
Anger, slander, unfounded reproaches.
I have no interest in your opinion,
You're a sick sad loser,
You're Satan's minion.
 

---

Posted by Archimandrite (# 3997) on :
 
...Whilst over in London, not far from Big Ben,
In the craven First Lord of the Treasury's den
A meeting most urgent was there taking place -
It seemed like our ruler had egg on his face.
The problem was this: at the end of the year
The Last Trump had blown, and the Judgement was here,
And those who'd been raptured had vanished away,
Limbo and Purgatory'd had their last day,
The Prophets were back, there were chariots of fire,
In short, Earth had now reached the end of the wire.
The Angelic Recorder had ticked off his list,
but one squirming bastard, it seemed, had been missed.
So, armed with a clipboard, he flew through the air
And arrived in the office of A. C. L. Blair:
"What's this then: no Judgement, no Heaven or Hell?
No marks for the bad things, the things you've done well?
I'm not sure what God the Almighty has planned:
But it sure ain't a place in the Heavenly Band.
So come on, cough up then, you shifty stoolpigeon"
Quoth Blair, "see, the thing is, we don't do religion..."
 

---

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Trying desperately to salvage the original poem...

The demons were partying down in the lane
And leather-clad denizens danced in their pain
The tinsel was smouldering down in the grate
The rivers of fire were now in full spate
When Santa declared with a cancerous cough
"This is Christmas in Hell - Fluffy Bunnies FUCK OFF!"
 

---

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
An ode to Odours,

Ah the smell of rancid booze,
Of little old ladies shoes.

The whiff of your wet winter coat,
Not unlike a month dead stoat.

Gently reeking of stale fags,
bring Christmas week in,
coughing like old lags.

The stench of cheap perfume,
a harlot wench in a too small room.

Ponging of ‘pits unwashed,
All hope in me is quashed.

How can I feel the Christmas spirit,
assaulted by the smell of so much shit?

Bunnies simper at the bouquet of mulled wine,
Attempting to give the proverbial turd a shine.

May the seasons myximatosis,
rid us of this mass psychosis.

P
 

---

Posted by JillieRose (# 9588) on :
 
Ding dong merrily on high,
In Heav'n the bells are ringing.
I just hate at Christmas time
George Michael and his singing.

Ooooo muzak for my ears, is bringing me to tears, I'll need Prozac for years, and I
I really want a shotgun.

Every, every single day
The Xmas tunes keep chiming
The worst thing I have got to say
Is all that bloody rhyming.

Arrghhh what an awful sound, is chiming all around, I'm nearly on the ground right now,
Where did I put my half brick?

E'en so here below below
Maybe I should be calmer,
No, no way no way no way,
I'm off to get my hammer.

Oooooh what a great delight, no CDs are in sight, it's really great...oh right. Dreaming.
Well roll on January.
 

---

Posted by bubblepack (# 10350) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
It's three o'clock in the afternoon
Your stomach is a lead balloon.
The pre-lunch slugs of Emva Cream
(Trying to douse the urge to scream) -
The ginger wine of similar ilk;
A tepid bottle of Liebfraumilch,
A Baileys, alleged 'ruby' port -
Altogether provide a sort
Of queasy alembic, very murky,
For gravy, bacon, sausage, turkey
Roast potatoes, and to end the rout
The vile, the green, the sulphurous sprout.
With pudding, trifle, custard vile
-All transmuting into bile.
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
Okay, I was going to try prose;
"Yes, Vagina, I do have sandy claws ..." but I just couldn't get any flow or rythem going.
So I invite poets far and near to join me in dreaming of a white trash Christmas. It's the night before Christmas in the deep South of the US of A; feel free to jump in and be disgraceful.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and down in our swamp,
Even the alligators were to drunken to chomp.
With Paw at the whore house and Maw smoking grass,
I settled down with Betty Sue for a nice peace of ass.

The cousins were settled with each other in bed,
While visions of hominy danced in their heads.
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
(For anyone unfamiliar with hominy, it is kinda like grits, but ground finer. Grits and hominy are both kinda like porridge that tastes like shit.)
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
Speaking of shit, you're trying to stir some up, aren't you?
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
And you're quite wrong about what hominy is relative to grits.
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
And you're quite wrong about what hominy is relative to grits.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I'm not your search engine. But you need one.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
Thanks for the new signature.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Trying desperately to salvage the original poem...

The demons were partying down in the lane
And leather-clad denizens danced in their pain
The tinsel was smouldering down in the grate
The rivers of fire were now in full spate
When Santa declared with a cancerous cough
"This is Christmas in Hell - Fluffy Bunnies FUCK OFF!"

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Prophetess:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
Thanks for the new signature.

---

Why butter Sine up?* It's a waste of our time as well as the butter. Yes, he probably has some good Reese Witherspoon stories hiding under his coat, but will ever he part with them? Not on your life.

*Don't answer that, ChastMastr.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
How about melting the butter onto the hominy grits, then?
Or maybe melt an ice cream bar on the top.
Or banana yogurt with a sprig of broccoli.
But I suppose that if you were able to get hominy grits to the state where it was actually fit to eat, you would have to watch out - your hound dog might up and steal it away on you.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Firenze:
Oooh, literary parody time! ...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Prophetess:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
How about melting the butter onto the hominy grits, then?
Or maybe melt an ice cream bar on the top.
Or banana yogurt with a sprig of broccoli.
But I suppose that if you were able to get hominy grits to the state where it was actually fit to eat, you would have to watch out - your hound dog might up and steal it away on you.

---

I am not certain which is more distasteful, your culinary ideas or your prejudice. Perhaps you should "up and" follow Sine's example after all.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
my great-grandparents had a cabin near the shore of the Mississippi.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pyx_e:
When I asked they told me it was the shore of the Nuff.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
my great-grandparents had a cabin near the shore of the Mississippi.

---

The "shore" of the Mississippi is certainly an interesting concept, and one with which I am unfamiliar. I suspect the Army Corp of Engineers shares that unfamiliarity. Perhaps you're confusing it with the shores of Gitche Gumee.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gort:
"...Runnin' Bear dove in the water, Little White Dove did the same
And they swam out to each other through the swirling stream they came.
As their hands touched and their lips met, the ragin' river pulled them down.
Now they'll always be together in that happy hunting ground."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
You know, Sine, you really should have a word with the estate of Laura Ingles Wilder. Something really should be done about her book "On The Shores Of Plum Creek."
Can't allow something like that to go unchallenged, now can we?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gort:
"...Runnin' Bear dove in the water, Little White Dove did the same
And they swam out to each other through the swirling stream they came.
As their hands touched and their lips met, the ragin' river pulled them down.
Now they'll always be together in that happy hunting ground."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
You know, Sine, you really should have a word with the estate of Laura Ingles Wilder. Something really should be done about her book "On The Shores Of Plum Creek."
Can't allow something like that to go unchallenged, now can we?

---

It's the "On the Banks of Plum Creek", nitwit, and the "By the Shores of Silver Lake." And Ingalls.

Nice to know you're a fan, though.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gort:
"...Runnin' Bear dove in the water, Little White Dove did the same
And they swam out to each other through the swirling stream they came.
As their hands touched and their lips met, the ragin' river pulled them down.
Now they'll always be together in that happy hunting ground."

---

I thank you, Gort - but not a lot! I had managed to forget that song for a few decades and now I shall probably have it whirling around my brain for the next several days!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Laura:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
You know, Sine, you really should have a word with the estate of Laura Ingles Wilder. Something really should be done about her book "On The Shores Of Plum Creek."
Can't allow something like that to go unchallenged, now can we?

---

It's the "On the Banks of Plum Creek", nitwit, and the "By the Shores of Silver Lake." And Ingalls.

Nice to know you're a fan, though.

---

Argh. Thanks for correcting him, Kelly.

And grits are not "white trash food", either.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
my great-grandparents had a cabin near the shore of the Mississippi.

---

The "shore" of the Mississippi is certainly an interesting concept, and one with which I am unfamiliar. I suspect the Army Corp of Engineers shares that unfamiliarity. Perhaps you're confusing it with the shores of Gitche Gumee.

---

I don't know the Mississippi but the Thames has shores here and there. In fact during WW2 I gather they dumped sand in places to make a beach because the real thing on the coast was a tad hazardous what with the landmines and the tank traps and all. Though the only time I actually fell in the Thames it was definitely a bank I walked off. Does this post get me a certificate for rambling?
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
Perhaps there is simply a difference in terminology above the border and across the pond, just as there are some differences in spelling.
The Grand River Website here is an example of the use of "shore" to describe the land surrounding a river. The Website promotes the beauty of the land along the shore of the Grand River.

But especially at this time of the year, there is really no need for those who live in the South to apologize. You are not demonstrating prejudice, just facing culture clash.
Admittedly, though, use of terms such as "white trash" do tend to stir up shit.
And the South would seem to be a logical starting point for that.

[eta I don't know why the url broke down!]
[Link was too long.]

[ 23. December 2005, 00:15: Message edited by: RooK ]
 

---

Posted by HopPik (# 8510) on :
 
What are grits?
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Ah-hem. Please see www.grits.com.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
My collection of LIW books is at the condo, so can't get there to check the titles...

---

You really don't know how to use a search engine, do you? Which is a pity because you, more than most, apparently need one.

You don't know what hominy is, yet you claim to be familiar with it.

You don't know that the Mississippi has banks, levees, and battures not shores, yet the old home place supposedly had a river view.

You're a fan of Laura Ingalls Wilder, but know neither how to spell her name nor the correct titles of her books.

I hope your research is a little better for your sermons.

(Google really would be your friend if you'd let it.)

[ 23. December 2005, 03:33: Message edited by: Sine Nomine ]
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Been gettin' a little uppity since that knife was pulled from your backside, eh Sine?
 

---

Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
'tis the season to be jolly
fala bloody lala blah blah blah
trick the sheilas, durex with holly*
ow ow fala bloody la la
Ham's all fly struck and the turkey's hairy
but the beer's damn cold (and the in law's scary)
Slap a yummy grub down the larynx
and a rum or three in the gullet
bugger the rhyme and bugger the rhythm
let's piss off to reindeer heaven

*There are marketing issues with durex being, internationally, both a stationary and a stationery product

[ 23. December 2005, 03:48: Message edited by: Zappa ]
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
For someone in the throes of defending the South, I'd say he's being quite restrained and kind, actually.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
Uppity? I thought I was pretty much doing a little factual re-capping. A short review, as it were, of Jere's recent posts. Was I inaccurate in some way?
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Nah, just admiring the nice dry-cleaning job on that jacket. Nevermind.
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
For all the oldtimers out there who remember the comic character, Pogo:

"Deck [snip]-a-loo!"

[Copyright material trimmed slightly.]

[ 23. December 2005, 05:24: Message edited by: RooK ]
 

---

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Uppity? I thought I was pretty much doing a little factual re-capping. A short review, as it were, of Jere's recent posts. Was I inaccurate in some way?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
[sing-song]Gort's gonna get it... Gort's gonna get it...[/sing-song]

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
Personally, I'm hoping that Sarky will summarily delete all the posts that don't contribute to the central poem.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Trying desperately to salvage the original poem...

The demons were partying down in the lane
And leather-clad denizens danced in their pain
The tinsel was smouldering down in the grate
The rivers of fire were now in full spate
When Santa declared with a cancerous cough
"This is Christmas in Hell - Fluffy Bunnies FUCK OFF!"

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:


Oh and Gort? Don't your hindquarters still smart from the last time you coughed up a chunk of copyrighted material in Hell?

[sing-song]Gort's gonna get it... Gort's gonna get it...[/sing-song]

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Still, you have to question why anyone would trouble the lawyers with that sentimental pile of donkey cum.

It reminds me of "oooh we chirpy chirpy cheep cheep." Deep (and I'm not jealous that the respective authors have made heaps of indulama (bux) out of the vacuous ditties. No. Not at all. )
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Actually, Grits, Ags followed up my attempt with this:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ags:
The bunnies were shaken, their fear was profound
They huddled in corners and stared at the ground.
A christmas tree fairy, her wings ripped to shreds,
Lay on top of a pile of vile severered heads.
Santa's boots shook the ground as he loomed overhead,
"This is Hell, little bunnies, and soon you'll be dead!"

But one little rabbit, still quaking with fear,
Said, "Dear Santa, don't kill us, not this time of year.
Just think of the angels and babe in a manger.
If you kill us your soul will be in real danger."
The denizens roared and the red fires blazed
On the cruel black knife in Santa's fist raised....

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
Personally, I'm hoping that Sarky will summarily delete all the posts that don't contribute to the central poem.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mousethief:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Uppity? I thought I was pretty much doing a little factual re-capping. A short review, as it were, of Jere's recent posts. Was I inaccurate in some way?

---

Just your megalomaniacal insistence that rivers don't have shores, in defiance of all logic and dictionaries. But hey don't let logic or common usage stop you. You're more fun that way.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Laura:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mousethief:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Uppity? I thought I was pretty much doing a little factual re-capping. A short review, as it were, of Jere's recent posts. Was I inaccurate in some way?

---

Just your megalomaniacal insistence that rivers don't have shores, in defiance of all logic and dictionaries. But hey don't let logic or common usage stop you. You're more fun that way.

---

Look, at least he was defending Laura Ingalls Wilder from Gutzywyk butchery. And he did point out the idiocy of typing, "but I can't check because I haven't got any books here" on a computer with internet access.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Personally I think the thread disintegrating into pointless tangential bickering is the very essence of Christmas in Hell.

Gives it a real air of authenticity.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk:
all my relatives are wonderful to be around, all of the time.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
Goggle searches don't really count.

---

Would you find goggles in the Mississippi? Isn't it an awfully muddy river?
 

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Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
This is just too easy.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
"Shore of the Mississippi" - 700 results on Google

"Banks of the Mississippi" - 131,000 results on Google

You do the math, big boy.
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
"Shore of the Mississippi" - 700 results on Google

"Banks of the Mississippi" - 131,000 results on Google

You do the math, big boy.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
Wow. Somebody has a freakish misunderstanding of the material available on the internet.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by beachlass:
Of course, Jeremiah, if you put the phrase in quotes, so that you are actually pulling up the phrase you typed in, you find out that RooK is a lesbian visiting Seattle... which result might make me question the validity of the search results.

(edited for wonky code)

---

quote:

---

But one little rabbit, still quaking with fear,
Said, "Dear Santa, don't kill us, not this time of year.
Just think of the angels and babe in a manger.
If you kill us your soul will be in real danger."
The denizens roared and the red fires blazed
On the cruel black knife in Santa's fist raised....

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by beachlass:
Of course, Jeremiah, if you put the phrase in quotes, so that you are actually pulling up the phrase you typed in, you find out that RooK is a lesbian visiting Seattle...

---

Shoot, and she never dropped in to say "hi".
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Fuck off and argue about the Mississippi elsewhere.

If you can't stick to the central theme here - Christmas in Hell - then go waffle in Heaven.
 

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Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
Sarky, the Hellhost
Had a party planned in hell,
With some poetry, pedantry,
And lots of folks who couldn't spell.

Sarky, the Hellhost
Knew the flames were hot that day.
So she snarled "Better run, this is no fun,
I'll rip you a new asshole today."

She led them down where they would drown
In the molten lava flow,
And she only paused for laughter when
She heard them pleading "No!"

There must have been some magic in
That toasting fork she found;
For when she shoved it up their asses
They all fell straight to the ground.

Oooohhh, Sarky, the Hellhost ...

(Someone else want to take it from there? )

[ 23. December 2005, 16:59: Message edited by: Jeremiah Gutzywuk ]
 

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Posted by Pax Romana (# 4653) on :
 
Five days before Christmas
And all through the town
No busses or subways
Were chugging along.

The people were freezing
Their butts off outside
While desperately trying
To just get a ride.

Pax Romana
 

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Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
Alright, be like that. I'll finish meself.

Oooohhh Sarky the Hellhost
Had to hurry on her way,
So she said "Fuck off, you half-baked toff;
Find another place to play!"

Thumpety-thump-thump, thumpety-thump-thump,
Look at Sarky toast;
Thumpety-thump-thump,Thumpety-thump-thump,
She's found another fool to roast.
 

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Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Nicely done, Gutz!
 

---

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
We are Santa's elves
We fill Santa's shelves
Hard we labour
(Santa's a slaver)
Call the AFL!

We work hard all day
For substandard pay
Loud we cry out,
Pray for a buy-out,
We are Santa's elves.
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
Can we try one verse at a time again? Sombody - anybody - jump in.

Santa got run over by a Hellhost
Trying to load his sleigh for Christmas Eve;
You can say there's no such thing as Martians,
But as for me and Santa, we believe.
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
That was not Santa but an innocent animal out on the road at the wrong time in the middle of the night.

Skippy was rammed repeatedly by a weary traveler, who woke up too late in time, to see what was the matter.

Tender he tasted, his carcass not wasted.
Marinated in decadent Australian wine sauces.

The shock and horror of the Grinch eating this steak, is all too frightful, too grim for me to begin without first some more alcohol to drink, let me start with some good gin.

[ 23. December 2005, 23:39: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Jeremiah Gutzywuk (# 8783) on :
 
When we found him the next morning,
Where the event had come to pass,
There were disintegration rays on his forehead,
And incriminating Mars Bars up his ass.
 

---

Posted by HopPik (# 8510) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
That was not Santa but an innocent animal out on the road at the wrong time in the middle of the night.

Skippy was rammed repeatedly by a weary traveler, who woke up too late in time, to see what was the matter.

Tender he tasted, his carcass not wasted.
Marinated in decadent Australian wine sauces.

The shock and horror of the Grinch eating this steak, is all too frightful, too grim for me to begin without first some more alcohol to drink, let me start with some good gin.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Firenze:
It was Christmas Eve in the workhouse
And the gin was a running low...

---

ROTFLMAO


 

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