Ship of Fools: Heaven: That's not in the Bible!

Thread: Heaven: That's not in the Bible! Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

I was reading in Ecclesiantics about Methodists wearing robes, and how the practice was in question because it's not in the Bible. Autenrieth Road suggested that there might be other practices in church that are not included in the Bible.

I agree! I think we heathens are doing things in church every service that Jesus and the prophets never did!

For instance, switching on the lights. That surely would have caused the religious leaders of the time to call for our heads...or some such.

What other un-Biblical things are we doing? I suspect there will be little repentance.
[Devil]

[ 02. July 2010, 18:31: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :

My church is giving out hot cross buns on Friday. I can't find that anywhere in my Bible. Please don't tell anyone.

Posted by dj_ordinaire (# 4643) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
For instance, switching on the lights. That surely would have caused the religious leaders of the time to call for our heads...or some such.

But but but... Surely the bit about not hiding our lights under bushels is apposite here...?

Arriving by motor-car, less so...

Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :

Certainly sound systems would be unBiblical. Our clergy and/or worship leaders should not be miked. Whatever happened to "voices crying in the wilderness?" or even the suburbs? It's a travesty, I tell you.

[ 19. March 2008, 18:53: Message edited by: Mamacita ]

Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :

How about reading from the Gospels. No one in the bible ever did that! - Oh my God! We're all going to hell!! [Eek!]

[ 19. March 2008, 18:55: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]

Posted by Alban (# 9047) on :

The installation of a whacking great big cross on the outside of/at the front of the place of worship isn't mentioned in my bible.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Nothing about serving weak coffee that I can find.

Posted by Al Eluia (# 864) on :

The Nazarene church down the street from my house has an American flag flying out in front.

I'd pick on my own (Episcopal) church, but we don't profess to believe in the Bible only.

Posted by footdoc (# 4389) on :

I am going to look to confirm, but I am sure as sure well as sure as I can be that no - one, nowhere, in the Bible ever sang 'Shine Jesus Shine'.

Posted by Zealot en vacance (# 9795) on :

If there had been any of that Sunday school show and tell nonsense at the end of worship, I am sure there would have been mentions of the resulting rendings by wild animals / rains of burning brimstone / pillar of salt type consequences.

Posted by Polly (# 1107) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
My church is giving out hot cross buns on Friday. I can't find that anywhere in my Bible. Please don't tell anyone.

We're doing that at our church as well and then on Saturday we're having an Easter Egg Hunt for teh kids in the community.

Posted by Pax Romana (# 4653) on :

Our church has Masses in English and in Spanish.

I don't recall anywhere in the Bible where those two languages are mentioned.

We are headed straight for perdition!

[Paranoid]

Pax Romana

Posted by Anglo-Cathoholic (# 13129) on :

I'm a church organist. Needless to say, I'm damned. But you all knew that anyway.

Posted by angelfish (# 8884) on :

No, no 'tis the guitarists who are dammned. I think the organ, though not mentioned in the Bible, was ratified by the Council at Nicea, so it's OK.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anglo-Cathoholic:
I'm a church organist. Needless to say, I'm damned. But you all knew that anyway.

*sigh* Me too.

And I'm quite sure there's no Bach mentioned in the Old or New Testaments.

hmmm...Do you think they had indoor toilet facilities in the temples?

[X-posted with angelfish]

[ 19. March 2008, 20:38: Message edited by: jedijudy ]

Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :

I shall immediately petition that the Book of Common Prayer in our pews be replaced by the Scroll of Common Prayer.

The characteristic red doors and The Episcopal Church Welcomes You sign will be the next to go.

Posted by ORGANMEISTER (# 6621) on :

Jedijudy, I think your mention of turning on the lights would have been proscribed in 1st cent. Jerusalem. Jewish law prohibited lighting a fire on the sabbath and that has been interpreted in modern times to include turning on a light switch by some groups of very conservative, orthodox Jews.

I think organists need not fear perdition but I can't say the same for electronic keyboard players.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

I can see that we are really bad, evil folk. And undoubtedly in deep doodoo.

I suppose we have to trade our clocks for sundials, now. How are we to tell when to start sunrise service this Sunday? Oh, wait. That's not mentioned in the Bible, either.

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :

Switching on the lights on the Sabbath? That's extremely unbiblical. Everyone knows you get a shikse (Gentile woman) to do that for you.

Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
I shall immediately petition that the Book of Common Prayer in our pews be replaced by the Scroll of Common Prayer.

The characteristic red doors and The Episcopal Church Welcomes You sign will be the next to go.

And the pews themselves - how unbiblical!

Posted by daisymay (# 1480) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anglo-Cathoholic:
I'm a church organist. Needless to say, I'm damned. But you all knew that anyway.

Maybe when we have had tabla and sitar played instead of organ, piano, trumpet or guitar at other times... is that even less scriptural?
[Help]

Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :

Jesus ate no donuts. Neither should we.

Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :

Glass windows. Stained or otherwise. Maybe something translucent could be worked out with sheep-hide?

Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :

quote:
Originally posted by angelfish:
No, no 'tis the guitarists who are dammned. I think the organ, though not mentioned in the Bible, was ratified by the Council at Nicea, so it's OK.

No, the psalm says to praise the Lord using an instrument with ten strings--obviously the Baroque guitar, with five double courses (the low E string is heterodox, to say the least).

Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :

No NT local church is lead by a person called the "pastor".

Posted by Anselm (# 4499) on :

I feel that I could speak some words of comfort at this time

quote:
My church is giving out hot cross buns on Friday.

Mark 6

Mamacita asked

quote:
Whatever happened to "voices crying in the wilderness?"

which I feel may have some connection with footdoc's observation

quote:
no - one, nowhere, in the Bible ever sang 'Shine Jesus Shine'.

ahh, but why do you think the voices were crying in the wilderness?

The Pilgrim suggested

quote:
How about reading from the Gospels. No one in the bible ever did that!

I'm pretty sure that Jesus quoted fairly extensively from the Gospels - in fact, he seemed rather fond of the red letter bits

quote:
Switching on the lights on the Sabbath?

We pretty much don't switch on any church lights on the Sabbath - now the day after the Sabbath, on Sundays, well, we switch all our lights on then.

Posted by Badger Lady (# 13453) on :

From what I recall, the Bible is not that hot on worship on a Sunday. So that does for us all, save for the 7th Day Adventists.

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :

On the other hand the Bible does not expressly forbid mobile phones during the service. We must all bring them in, leave them switched on and text each other during the sermon.

Posted by Beautiful_Dreamer (# 10880) on :

There is nothing in the Bible to suggest that real wine was not used at the Last Supper. So churches (like the Baptists) who insist on using grape juice are clearly misguided.

Also, no mention of songbooks or singing out of any written material.

We should also only be reading the Epistles from the paper it was written on and not out of a book. They were read as letters in the beginning and should continue in that. [Smile]

Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
which I feel may have some connection with footdoc's observation
quote:
no - one, nowhere, in the Bible ever sang 'Shine Jesus Shine'.
ahh, but why do you think the voices were crying in the wilderness?

Because they had to sing naff worship songs*.

Sadly, the sermon is mentioned in the Bible. But the offering isn't.

*this was at tabernacles that were trying to be more hip and relevant and thus not using the Psalter.

[ 20. March 2008, 14:29: Message edited by: MouseThief ]

Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :

quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
Sadly, the sermon is mentioned in the Bible. But the offering isn't.

It is mentioned, it's just that it all has to be sent to the church in Jerusalem. You are doing that, right?

Gothic arches ought not to appear in the worship space. A flat roof at usual roof height should be installed throughout the church, and the upper floor thereby created with the unscriptural gothic points rented out.

The second floor area over the crossing can be retained as an appropriate Upper Room for celebrating the Eucharist; the relative smallness of the room will be adequate as only thirteen at a time should be attending.

Regardless of when or whether you switch them on or off, lights should not be mounted on the ceilings or walls. Join with other churches in your area if you need to in order to qualify for a volume discount on your order of lampstands.

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:

Sadly, the sermon is mentioned in the Bible. But the offering isn't.

But those churches that tithe are being biblical.

Jengie

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

I'm wondering if we shouldn't travel to the Jordan River to do baptism?

It does look like we can have pot-luck dinners and barbecues, however. That's a relief! [Smile]

Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :

As long as nobody brings quiche.

Posted by Pax Romana (# 4653) on :

Irish soda bread is okay, though, especially if it is made by a little Italian lady using a touch of anisette.

Pax Romana

Posted by Frustrated Farmer (# 10782) on :

I suppose the drums in the praise band would have to leave, along with the projector used to show the words to the hymns on the wall. [Disappointed]

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

Yes, let's get rid of those drums and the projectors and power-point ...

Let's get rid of everything that's been mentioned so far that doesn't appear in the NT.

And let's look at what we've got left ...

Aha, gossip, dissensions, people doing naughty things that even the unbelievers don't get up to, people preaching Christ for selfish gain, people being false ...

There's that and more. Yippee! We're being biblical. All these things are mentioned so we must be doing ok ...

Gamaliel

Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
Mamacita asked
quote:
Whatever happened
to "voices crying in the wilderness?"
which I feel may have some connection with footdoc's observation
quote:
no - one, nowhere, in the Bible ever sang 'Shine Jesus Shine'.
ahh, but why do you think the voices were crying in the wilderness?

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion...
for there our tormentors demanded songs of joy;
they said, "Sing us one of those good old praise songs!"

quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Switching on the lights on the Sabbath? That's extremely unbiblical. Everyone knows you get a shikse (Gentile woman) to do that for you.

Around here you can actually buy ovens equipped with a Sabbath mode so you don't technically "light a fire" on Sabbath.

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

Well, this could shift the discussion a bit, but I don't recall anyone in the Bible insisting you couldn't do things that weren't in the Bible.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

You're right! I don't think Jesus ever said we can't pet cats! Or warm pizza in a microwave! But then, he's a generous and thoughtful person.

It's just the current crop of anti-un-biblical folks that seem to be looking through the wrong end of the telescope! [Big Grin]

So, I'm sure we messed up royally at our Seder meal this evening. Store bought horseradish, matzos and parsley. Passover recipes printed on the church copy machine. Dishes prepared in electric ovens. Candles lit with a Bic. Gentiles everywhere you looked.

It's enough to make the baby Jesus cry, isn't it?

Posted by SpikeyPants (# 12953) on :

Well, my church meets in an Atlanta park. We also sit at picnic tables and sometimes...gasp...choke...sputter...sometimes we laugh during our service and most of us wear whatever we want!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, here comes the fire from the sky!

Oh, and most of us are Gay. Worse and worse and worse.

[Big Grin]

Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :

quote:
Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
Jesus ate no donuts. Neither should we.

He didn't eat chocolate, either!

[Eek!]

Posted by Anglo-Cathoholic (# 13129) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sparrow:
He didn't eat chocolate, either!

Are you suggesting that we shouldn't eat chocolate? Now you're just being silly. I mean, the other posts on this thread have been reasoned and justified.

But giving up chocolate? [Ultra confused]

Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
You're right! I don't think Jesus ever said we can't pet pizza! Or warm cats in a microwave!

I fixed your post, Judy. [Devil]

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
You're right! I don't think Jesus ever said we can't pet pizza! Or warm cats in a microwave!
I fixed your post, Judy.

Well, he did say that food is for the stomach, which would probably mean you shouldn't be petting it, as he didn't say it's for the hands. As for microwaving cats, I think the most we can deduce is that our Heavenly Father would take notice, as he does whenever birds fall from their nests. Precisely what he would think of it, we aren't told.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
You're right! I don't think Jesus ever said we can't pet pizza! Or warm cats in a microwave!
I fixed your post, Judy.

Brother Campbellite, I don't believe that was scriptural, dear Sir! [Two face]

So, Sunday we will be singing the Hallelujah Chorus at the end of the service. Methinks that may possibly be allowed, as I'm quite sure the words are in the Bible somewhere. Not quite sure about the music, though! Or am I deluding myself? I'm very good at making excuses about things that I like doing. This is part of the slippery slope downwards, isn't it?

Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :

Not scriptural? I thought that was the point of this tread.

As for the Hallelujah Chorus, I seem to recall that Ephesians speaks of hymns and psalms and spiritual songs. That should cover you, don't you think?

[ETA: You don't serve your cats cold I trust?]

[ 23. March 2008, 00:59: Message edited by: Campbellite ]

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :

I will be sure to examine everyone's feet Sunday morning to detect whether or not they walked to worship. And I will generously allow someone else to experience the blessing of washing all those be-sandaled feet at the door.

I will also check out the parking lot for acceptable modes of transport.

Hmm... that would be, besides walking: horses, asses, chariots... ships... wings of eagles... whirlwinds...

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
[ETA: You don't serve your cats cold I trust?]

No, I serve them first. [Roll Eyes]

Pesky, demanding creatures.

One of our ministries is to broadcast the 11:00 service to the shut-ins. Certainly that's not biblical, but WWJD? They would miss the Easter celebration if it weren't for the TV.

Now, how much of the service will be acceptable tomorrow? I don't remember reading about any Easter celebrations in the Bible...not that I have perfect recall, or anything like that! We'll have very few walking to church tomorrow. And Easter Lilies all over the place. And two crosses adorned with flowers. And a video clip during the early service.

Just goes to show how wicked some of us have become.

Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :

Pillows! Definitely unscriptural. After all, our Lord said, 'Foxes have holes, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.' Pillows have got to go.

Posted by Anselm (# 4499) on :

Well all I can say is thank goodness that there is a scriptural precedent for falling asleep during the sermon!
The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured in doing this!
Acts 20

Posted by Foaming Draught (# 9134) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:

The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured

quote:
Paul went down, threw himself on the young man and put his arms around him.

You try that nowadays, the Diocesan Director of Professional Standards would have your guts for garters. But do we read of DPSs in God's Word?

FD

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
Well all I can say is thank goodness that there is a scriptural precedent for falling asleep during the sermon!
The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured in doing this!
Acts 20

The moral of the story is that preachers should not put people to sleep unless they can raise them from the dead.

Moo

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

No as the Principal of Adams College said in one of the shortest sermons in History

quote:
Short sermons for tired people

Oh I think there was only the Gloria after that, to make up the entire sermon!

Jengie

Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
Well all I can say is thank goodness that there is a scriptural precedent for falling asleep during the sermon!
The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured in doing this!
Acts 20

What worries me about this story is that, far from getting the hint, Paul raised the poor fool from the dead, and then kept on preaching!!

Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Athrawes:

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
Well all I can say is thank goodness that there is a scriptural precedent for falling asleep during the sermon!
The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured in doing this!
Acts 20
What worries me about this story is that, far from getting the hint, Paul raised the poor fool from the dead, and then kept on preaching!!

Once the guy fell out of the window, the air flow in the room was greatly improved. Nobody else passed out.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

So how many of us sat in windows yesterday in church? Apparently it's the thing to do! (As long as we manage to stay awake.) [Biased]

Posted by cattyish (# 7829) on :

Is it Biblical to sing the same song over and over and over and over? If not, I'm all for the back to the Bible method of church reform. [Biased]

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

I don't know the psalms do have "sing a new song to the Lord" yet seem to themselves have been used rather repetitively in worship and repeat themselves pretty often.

Then Our Lord quote psalm 22 on the cross so showed some familiarity with it.

Jengie

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:

The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured

quote:
Paul went down, threw himself on the young man and put his arms around him.
You try that nowadays, the Diocesan Director of Professional Standards would have your guts for garters. But do we read of DPSs in God's Word?

FD

Necrophilia! Horrors! [Eek!]

quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:

quote:
Originally posted by Athrawes:

quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
Well all I can say is thank goodness that there is a scriptural precedent for falling asleep during the sermon!
The Apostle Paul affirmed its goodness by healing the man who was injured in doing this!
Acts 20
What worries me about this story is that, far from getting the hint, Paul raised the poor fool from the dead, and then kept on preaching!!
Once the guy fell out of the window, the air flow in the room was greatly improved. Nobody else passed out.

What with the airflow and the rather intense adrenal rush that comes with watching people fall three stories there wasn't much chance of dozing off. The event certainly gave the sermon a second wind.

Posted by Arkady Rose (# 11852) on :

quote:
Originally posted by angelfish:
No, no 'tis the guitarists who are dammned. I think the organ, though not mentioned in the Bible, was ratified by the Council at Nicea, so it's OK.

If guitarists are damned, what happens to ukelelists? (Yes, we have two ukelele players in our church!)

Posted by Hare today (# 12974) on :

The Ukelele Orchestra of Gt. Britain are playing in the Cathedral during the Festival in July. Fantastic!

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

I have never considered that there might be a group of ukeleles! [Smile]

We had a group of eight harpists at our church once. That was a lovely concert! And...I think that was a Bible-based instrument grouping! [Big Grin]

Posted by Hare today (# 12974) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
I have never considered that there might be a group of ukeleles! We had a group of eight harpists at our church once. That was a lovely concert! And...I think that was a Bible-based instrument grouping!

http://www.ukuleleorchestra.com

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