• 'Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives. He never met you.'

• 'Is this pew taken?'

• 'I just don't feel called to celibacy.'

• 'You float my ark.'

• 'I didn't believe in predestination until tonight.'

• 'My parents are home, wanna come over?'

• 'Is that a thinline, duo-tone, compact, ESV travel bible in your pocket?'

• 'Let me sell you an indulgence - it's a sin to look as good as you.'

• 'How many times do I have to walk around you before you fall for me?"

• 'I like to arrange the substantial Christian section of my bookshelf into alphabetical order. Coffee?"

• 'The name is Will. God's Will.'

[ 02. July 2010, 18:33: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
*tangent*
Being a crummy typist, I accidentally typed bbce.co.uk instead of BBC... and got a Muslim dating service. Given what I was expecting, it was a bit of a shock!
*tangent off*

Hi, I'm Lazarus. Wanna see me rise from the dead?

AG
 

---

Posted by Wiff Waff (# 10424) on :
 
You walked into the room and I thought it was the rapture.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Do you want to receive the gift of tongues?
 

---

Posted by kentishmaid (# 4767) on :
 
Fancy a bit of how's Our Father?
 

---

Posted by MusicMonkey (# 3396) on :
 
Coincidentally, a friend and I were having this discussion a few weeks back. I'd love to claim these examples as my own...

For Kendrick fans: From heaven you came, helpless babe.

Would you like to survey my wondrous cross?

Fancy meeting up for a chat about predestination? Yeah, that's right, you've no choice.
 

---

Posted by Cardinal Pole Vault (# 4193) on :
 
Is that a BCP in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Are you my neighbour? No? Fantastic - 'cos I really covet your ass!

AG
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Will of Will's Page swears by the last one on AM's list. I believe he is currently on his 495th girlfriend.
 

---

Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
Did it hurt?......
When you fell out of heaven?

 

---

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by MusicMonkey:

Fancy meeting up for a chat about predestination?

---

I think that was my father's one, over forty years later he is still happily married only I think the word "chat" might have been slightly different "discussion" "argument" "teaching session" hum none quite right. Put it this way mum was/is a pious Arminian.

Jengie

[ 08. September 2008, 15:09: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
You're not one of the Elect either? In which case, it doesn't matter if we sin...

PS Great Gumby, that's in very poor taste.
AG

[ 08. September 2008, 16:01: Message edited by: Sandemaniac ]
 

---

Posted by cattyish (# 7829) on :
 
Who needs chat-up lines when the person leading the service says: "Go pray with someone you don't know."

Well, it worked for me.
 

---

Posted by wheelie racer (# 13854) on :
 
This is one that actually happened to my friend.

Guy came up to her in Church and said God told me to marry you

Lo and behold, 6 months later they were indeed married (six years on they are now divorced, but that's another story..)
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Hey baby, ever wondered who Ezekiel 23:20 was written about?

AG
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
I feel moved to join you in the laying on of hands
 

---

Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
This thread brings to mind the great tune "Walking in Memphis," which includes the lyrics

quote:

---

She said,
Tell me, are you a Christian child?
I said, "Ma'am, I am tonight."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Wanna see why they call me Goliath?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jahlove:

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Wanna see why they call me Goliath?

---

to which I feel a suitable response is:

"because you're the most enormous Philistine?"

---

 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
One I remember from a similar idea in the vintage Wittenburg Door:

"You have the soul of Mother Teresa and the body of Amy Grant."
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
my soul panteth after thee.
 

---

Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Hey baby, ever wondered who Ezekiel 23:20 was written about?

---

Nah - the jawbone of an ass is in Judges...
 

---

Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Oh dear - the cost of being a Heavenly Host is that I have now spread about three gallons of coffee spray over my screen.

Kuruman and I got together in an argument over Universalism, but I doubt I had a witty opening line. Maybe 'if I show you my christological universalism can I see your ... errrm ... christological inclusivism?'

Er. No. I think NOT.

[In actual fact I was a broadcaster at the time and my opening line was 'hey, you're kuruman and I wanna interview you', which is nearly as bad]
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
How do you fancy a bit of backsliding?
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Would you like to be fearfully and wonderfully laid?
 

---

Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
TGG - should we be worried that you're so good at these?
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Someone who is now a priest, so I won't divulge her name, once reported that her teenage boyfriend declared 'God wants us to explore the beauty of what he has created' as his hands started to wander.....
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
For use by clergy:

Wanna see me in a long black dress?
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

Hey, it worked for Solomon.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Izzybee:
TGG - should we be worried that you're so good at these?

---

I'm not sure. I don't think I've ever been to a party in Baltimore.

Did you know I've got a ministry of emboldening prayer? After 5 minutes with me, you'll be screaming out to God.
 

---

Posted by Yerevan (# 10383) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jengie Jon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by MusicMonkey:

Fancy meeting up for a chat about predestination?

---

I think that was my father's one, over forty years later he is still happily married only I think the word "chat" might have been slightly different "discussion" "argument" "teaching session" hum none quite right. Put it this way mum was/is a pious Arminian.

Jengie

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Yerevan:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jengie Jon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by MusicMonkey:

Fancy meeting up for a chat about predestination?

---

I think that was my father's one, over forty years later he is still happily married only I think the word "chat" might have been slightly different "discussion" "argument" "teaching session" hum none quite right. Put it this way mum was/is a pious Arminian.

Jengie

---

"Wanna learnt about total depravity?"

---

Of course that would sound better if I could read

[ 08. September 2008, 21:06: Message edited by: Yerevan ]
 

---

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
TGG - did you use all of those lines on Keren-Happuch?

Poor girl.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Hey baby, ever wondered who Ezekiel 23:20 was written about?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by mousethief:
Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

Hey, it worked for Solomon.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Izzybee:
TGG - should we be worried that you're so good at these?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by the parsley sage:
"Nice bracelet. WWJD: What Would Jesus Date? Oh, I mean 'Do'..."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
I can only assume that God has given this thread His blessing with a special anointing.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hiro's Leap:
I'm interested in the idea of Original Sin. Would you and me, a waterbed and two dozen meerkats be original enough?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Trudy Scrumptious:
Well, you had me at "meerkats."

---

Oh! Was that you?
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Care to discuss my Second Coming?

AG
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
I'm tired of palm Sundays -- want to help me make a Triumphal Entry?
 

---

Posted by Redolent Spilogale Putorius (# 8783) on :
 
That's a beautiful "I waited" bracelet - would you like to be opened with prayer?
 

---

Posted by fisher (# 9080) on :
 
'I'm going to Confession next week and hate those long silences - can you help me out?'

'Hey, you look angelic! My name's Jacob - fancy a wrestle?'

'Your manse or mine?'

'They call me Augustine and you'll soon agree my sins are pretty original.'
 

---

Posted by Hedgerow Priest (# 13905) on :
 
Jonathan Strange wrote:

quote:

---

At New Wine - AKA The Land of Ravenous Single 35+yr-old Christian Women:

"You're a man with a pulse... Care to propose?"

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Would you like to be fearfully and wonderfully laid?

---

 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
don't hide your bushel.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
Someday, when I'm really bored, I'm going to join a Christian dating site, and my teaser line will be "Titus 2 woman seeks Ezekiel 23:20 man." Just to see how many takers I get.

---

 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
So you're a virgin without any oil. Would baby oil do?

AG

(I notice the tone lowered overnight. I like that...)
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
With apologies to Chorister: Would you like to see the stoat in my organ?

AG
 

---

Posted by Jonathan Strange (# 11001) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Hedgerow Priest:
Jonathan Strange wrote:

quote:

---

At New Wine - AKA The Land of Ravenous Single 35+yr-old Christian Women:

"You're a man with a pulse... Care to propose?"

---

Are 30-something divorced childless Anglo Catholic men seen as fair game by the eligible ladies at New Wine, or will they want to check me doctrinal credentials?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by mousethief:
my soul panteth after thee.

---

Awww, mousethief, that's so sweet!

 

---

Posted by Paddy O'Furniture (# 12953) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
I bet my rod and staff would comfort you.

---

You are SICK! But in a totally twisted and wonderful way! I like the cut of your jib.

 

---

Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :
 
You know us preachers; we do it with Amazing Grace
 

---

Posted by BillyPilgrim (# 9841) on :
 
Take up thy cloak and follow me. For thou hast pulled.
 

---

Posted by wheelie racer (# 13854) on :
 
and one for the evangelicals in our midst...

I just really want to ask that....[fill in the gap yourself]
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
O for a thousand tongues! But, barring that, would one tongue a thousands times do?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
You heard Moses, Baby. Eight only to be attempted...

AG
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Hi, I'm Onan...

AG
 

---

Posted by wheelie racer (# 13854) on :
 
I feel all ecumenical when i am around you


or

Paul told us to great one another with a holy kiss - wanna try?

or

my friend told me to come and talk to you - he said you were really nice - who is it? well his name is Jesus do you know him too?
 

---

Posted by Robert Armin (# 182) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Hi, I'm Onan...

AG

---

Would that be Onan the Barbarian?
 

---

Posted by Wiff Waff (# 10424) on :
 
Didn't I see you batheing on the roof?
 

---

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
This is my body which is given for you,

*thinks* (and for many actually, but I was a young, we all make mistakes, forgiveness is a Christian virtue, and besides it all cleared up wonderfully with the penicillin.)
 

---

Posted by Ancient Mariner (# 4) on :
 
Does the Great Gumby deserve prayer or a prize? You decide.


 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ancient Mariner:
Does the Great Gumby deserve prayer or a prize? You decide.

---

Or a restraining order?
 

---

Posted by Tyler Durden (# 2996) on :
 
Tangent: inspired by one of TGG's comments. At the penty church I used to go to in the 90s, the drummer of the worship band once said to me as we were standing beside the platform waiting to go on, 'look at the jugs on that' pointing at some girl and the very pious (male) backing singer standing next to us said in his soft scottish accent 'Don't call them jugs, brother. Call them breasts' - which became a very popular catchphrase in our house for many years afterwards.
 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
And Tyler's story reminds me of this:

A gay friend of mine once bemoaned while we were at some concert like Over the Rhine or Sam Phillips, where the music isn't overtly Christian but the artists are, that there were lots of cute guys there but they were probably all Christians (assuming Christians either wouldn't be gay or would be closeted). I told him that in my church (Episcopal), there are plenty of gay men. So "Episcopalian" became a sort of euphemism.

So: "You're not Episcopalian by chance, are you?" could be a line for our gay brothers.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Can you spare a moment? I'm studying Forbidden Fruit, and those melons are the most tempting I've seen.
 

---

Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doublethink:
This is my body which is given for you,

---

Reminds me of my bridesmaid who giggled every time she even thought of the phrase, "with my body, I thee worship". I think she managed to contain herself at the actual wedding, but I carefully avoided her eye just in case
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by churchgeek:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ancient Mariner:
Does the Great Gumby deserve prayer or a prize? You decide.

---

Or a restraining order?

---

Well, Keren-Happuch has been given not one but two copies of The Power of a Praying Wife by well-meaning friends, which I take as something of a compliment, so I think I'm covered for prayer.

Do you want to go forth and multiply, or shall we just do it here?
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Are you not wearing any knickers, or did I just have a prophetic vision?
 

---

Posted by Sir Pellinore (ret'd) (# 12163) on :
 
I feel the Lord is moving something about my person. Perhaps he means us to come together in some sort of mystic communion? There's a Song in the Bible about that.
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
The classic film genre once again provides us with an example. I refer to M*A*S*H (the film, not the TV series), where an affair develops between the uptight Nurse Margaret "Hot Lips" O'Houlihan and the born again religious fanatic Major Frank Burns.

At a tryst, Burns says to Lot Lips, "God has brought us together." Baring her breasts, Hot Lips replies, "His will be done!"
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
You'll think you've ascended to Heaven if you sit on my right hand
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
To a vicar: I just love men* in long black dresses...

*(OK, i do know a vicar could be a woman)

[ 18. September 2008, 15:02: Message edited by: Esmeralda ]
 

---

Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Bugger. I always wear a white one
 

---

Posted by Sir Pellinore (ret'd) (# 12163) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
The classic film genre once again provides us with an example. I refer to M*A*S*H (the film, not the TV series), where an affair develops between the uptight Nurse Margaret "Hot Lips" O'Houlihan and the born again religious fanatic Major Frank Burns.

At a tryst, Burns says to Lot Lips, "God has brought us together." Baring her breasts, Hot Lips replies, "His will be done!"

---

You win the prize, Amanda.

Not sure I'm into Polish chicks, though.
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Come up to the ringing chamber and I'll show you a really big dong!

And, in similar vein

Y'know, Quasimodo, I've heard you can really hump...

AG
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
'Ahhhh men!'

(I once heard a fellow alto complain - when having to sing that tricky word, 'I always get my men in the wrong place').

And another one for choristers: 'You roll your r's beautifully!'
 

---

Posted by Sir Pellinore (ret'd) (# 12163) on :
 
I feel something rapidly rising.

And it ain't cake!
 

---

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