quote:

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Originally posted by Nigel M:
Gen. 3:11-15...

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That reference should, of course, he paraphrased as Exodus!...
 

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Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
To the woman, I WILL BE said, "You shall have pains in childbirth." Moses said, "What woman? It's just you, me, and the bush here!" I WILL BE put on his reading glasses and flipped back and forth muttering "In The Beginning... Second Law... Census... Priests... where is They Went Out?" "Ah, here we are," I WILL BE said in I WILL BE's normal voice.

Exodus 3:16-22

"Call all the old people, the wise people, the councilors, the heads of household together and here is your speech all ready for you." I WILL BE pulled a neatly typed sheet of onion skin out of the loose sheets in His book and began to read:

"I WILL BE, the God of your ancestors Father Of Many and Laughter and Supplanter, appeared to me and said,

" 'I went on an Elderhostel in Egypt recently and was shocked, shocked, by the conditions you are suffering. I said to Myself,

" ' "Self, milk and honey is what these suffering people need, and milk and honey is what I will give them."

" 'As soon as I got home I checked My atlas and it turns out the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivites, and the Jebusites are living in just the place. Cows and bees everywhere. You're going to love it.' "

I WILL BE folded up the neatly typed piece of onion skin and slipped it in His jacket pocket along with His reading glasses.

"So, Drawn Out," He continued, "the old people, the wise people, the councilors, the heads of household will listen to you. After that, plan to have a spontaneous demonstration where you go to the Most Powerful Head Of State In The World and say to him" -- (I WILL BE closed His eyes, as if reading the rest of the speech of the inside of His eyelids) --

" 'The God of the Wanderers has met with us, so we would like to take a long weekend and go out into the wilderness to sacrifice to Him.' "

I WILL BE opened his eyes again. "By the way, The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World won't let you go just like that. So I'll have to do some of My Mighty Wonders™ and smack him upside the head to persuade him. But don't worry, the Egyptians won't let you leave empty-handed in the end. Ask and ye shall receive, jewelry and fancy clothes and stuff. Get your women to do the asking, you know, neighbourly across-the-fence type stuff. Say it's For The Children™, that gets them every time."

[ 25. April 2008, 00:44: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 


Exodus 4:1-12

Moses panicked.

"But-but-but-but what if they won't believe me or listen to me; what if they think I'm nuts, been out in the desert sun too long? What if they simply say, I WAS AM WILL BE did not appear to you and I say 'did too!' and they say 'did not!' and I say--"

I WAS AM WILL BE raised His hand. "What've you got in your hand?"

Moses looked down at the staff in his hand, jumped as if it were a snake, and said, "Uh-- my staff?"

"Throw it down on the ground." So Moses threw it down and dang! if it didn't become a serpent. "Snake!" he yelled, running away, "why does it always have to be snakes?!"

I WAS AM WILL BE figuratively rolled His divine eyes, putting an extra little puff of flame out of the bush. "Come back here! Closer... closer... okay, put out your hand and grab its tail--" So Moses gingerly reached out and picked up the snake which obligingly turned back into his staff; he eyed it suspiciously.

"This way they will believe that I WAS AM WILL BE, the God of the patriarchs, the God of Father Of Many and Laughter and Supplanter, has indeed showed up and appeared to you."

The LORD continued: "Now, put your hand next to your heart; yeah, inside your robe--" and when Drawn Out drew out his hand it was severely leprous, like snow. (*whimper*)

"Put it back--" Moses quickly thrust his hand back inside his robe and drew it out: whew! his hand was restored, his flesh of his hand perfectly normal, like all the rest of his body.

"Now you have two signs: if the staff-serpent routine doesn't wow 'em, use the old leprous hand technique."

Moses started to open his mouth to object but the LORD continued without taking a breath, "Yet if they don't believe the witness of these two signs or accept what you say, then you will take some of the Nile's water and pour it on the ground and it will become blood, there on the ground."

Moses said, "Please, LORD! I'm not up to this - I'm not good with words and I've spent most of the last 40 years with sheep; I wasn't even eloquent during the first 40 years in Egypt - listen to me! Thick-tongued, slow of speech--"

I WAS AM WILL BE said, "Who made your mouth? Just who do you think makes a man mute or deaf, sighted or blind? Hellllooo! That would be ME. Now go - and don't be discouraged for I Myself, I WAS AM WILL BE, I will be with your mouth and I will show you what to say and when to say it."
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 4:12-18

But Moses said, "Oh God! I'm not even good enough to be your dummy! Please, for the love of your own name, send somebody else!"

There was a dramatic pause, and in a voice that was as smolderingly cold as dry ice, God said "What about your brother Aaron the Levite? He is very eloquent. Even now, he is coming to meet you, and when he meets you, he will be glad. You will speak with him, for I will be putting the words in your mouth. I will be with your mouth, and I will be with his mouth. And I will teach you. He indeed shall speak for you to the people; he will be your mouth, and you shall serve as God for him, speech impediment or no speech impediment. Now take this staff with which you shall perform these signs, and get busy. GO!"

Trembling, Moses went back to his father-in-law Jethro and practically begged, "Please! Let me go back to my folks in Egypt and to see if they're still alive!"

And Jethro, wondering what had suddenly put the fear of God into his son-in-law, simply told him to "Go in peace."

[ 25. April 2008, 14:39: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 4:19-26

I WAS AM WILL BE told Moses to return to Egypt because the men who wanted to kill him were all dead. So Moses took The Staff™ and his wife Zipporah and their sons and let them ride on a donkey as they returned to Egypt.

I WAS AM WILL BE said, "Make sure you perform all My Mighty Wonders™ in front of Pharaoh himself, those wonders I've given you power to do - but note: I will harden his heart and he won't let the people go as you ask. Then you will say, 'I WAS AM WILL BE says to you, "Israel is My son, My firstborn and I say to you, 'Let My son go free in order to serve Me' - but you refuse. Therefore I will kill your son, your firstborn."'"

This was probably not a message Moses was anxious to deliver to The Most Powerful Leader in the Known World...

That night when they stopped to rest on the way to Egypt, I WAS AM WILL BE met Moses with the intention of killing him.

That's a dramatic change; what happened to all this, "Go to Pharaoh and tell him" stuff? you may well ask.

In reaction to the LORD's imminent attack on Moses, Zipporah quickly got up and took a flint knife and circumcised her son; she cast the bloody foreskin to the ground at Moses' feet and cried out, "You are my bloody husband!"

So I WAS AM WILL BE let Moses live, when Zipporah called him her husband of blood on account of the circumcision.
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 4:27-31

Meanwhile back in Egypt, I WAS AM WILL BE spoke to Light Bringer, brother of Drawn Out, and told him to go meet Drawn Out in the wilderness. So off into the wilderness he went and, sure enough, there was Drawn Out Moses at God's mountain. Kissing and hugging ensued (and probably tears, too--). Moses told Aaron all about the curious incident of the bush-which-burned-but-was-not-consumed and I WAS AM WILL BE and His Mighty Wonders™ which he was to perform before Pharaoh.

So the two brothers called together all the Israelite elders and Light Bringer spoke the words which I WAS AM WILL BE spoke to Drawn Out, who then performed His Mighty Wonders™ for the people. With much ooohing and aaahing the people believed. And upon learning that God had not forgotten them but instead saw their sorry condition and hard service and planned their liberation - well, they fell on their faces and worshiped the King of the Universe, I WAS AM WILL BE.
 

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Posted by the parsley sage (# 12821) on :
 
Exodus 5:1-4
Drawn Out and Light Bringer went to The Most Powerful Head of State in the World and said, "Simon - I mean... I WAS AM WILL BE says...'Let my people go and have a party in the desert'"

But TMPHOSITW said, "I don't know I WAS AM WILL BE. Make me."

Then Light Bringer and Drawn Out said, "Well can we have a long weekend to go and sacrifice to I WAS AM WILL BE? Only he said something about biological warfare..."

But TMPHOSITW said, "Yeah right. Go back to work!"

[ 01. May 2008, 12:48: Message edited by: the parsley sage ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 5:5-12

TMPHOSITW (an Egyptian name, hieroglyphed as Hillock-owl-snake-cane-hillock, or Tim Foster in the vulgar) was blaming Drawn Out and Light Bringer (not necessarily in that order) for encouraging the withdrawal of labour across the industry.

Being an industrial capitalist not prone to pause over matters health-and-safety, Tim issued Executive Order No. 1 for that day to his chain of command (also known as the commanders of chains):

TO: All managers
FROM: CEO
Date: Now
FOR ACTION URGENT AND IMMEDIATE

It has come to my notice that work quotas are not being filled and that Union agitation is likely at the root of this. This is bang out of order.

From today, therefore, I am cancelling the free provision of widgets for the making of gadgets. From now on, the workers can Google for their own widgets. The quota levels remain unchanged. I hold you responsible for ensuring the workers pull their fingers out and get stuck in. You are NOT, repeat NOT, to pay any attention to Union propaganda.

While I'm at it, there will be no Ra Celebration this year. And the Thoth festival is cancelled. Ditto the Horus Holiday.

END

So the chain commanders notified the workers that widgets were out, but that gadgets were still very much in. The horrified workers had to engage in some fast world-wide web searching for their own widget-compatible tools.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 5:6-20

(viewed through the hermeneutic lens of Office Space)

The regional managers took one look at the memo, and grinned at each other. A flood of memos surged forth. Some of them got very creative, inventing further hoops such as "TCP reports" and "cover sheets" that had to be created in addition to these widgets.

The middle managers, who happened to be Israelite, were not so fortunate, as they were caught in the vise between their their Egyptian superiors under TMPHOSITW and the labor, who were loudly expressing their dissatisfaction with this new policy.

The Egyptians took their Israelite inferiors to task, crying "Why did you not provide your quota of gadgets? What are you, lazy or something?" Signs went up everywhere saying The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves, Don't Work Harder, work Smarder!, and Achievment.

The Israelites, upset with this treatment, went over their bosses' heads and complained directly to TMPHOSITW, saying "Why do you treat us this way? We've only got Windows 3.1 machines, man! We can't make them run any faster! You tell us to 'make gadgets,' but you deny us the necessary widgets! And when production drops, you force us to attend stupid meetings and put up posters that are painful to the eye and draining to the soul! What gives? Why are you screwing us over so"

TMPHOSITW accused them all of laziness. It was his idea of a motivational speech.

The middle managers realized that they were irrevocably screwed when TMPHOSITW mentioned, in the midst of his spiel, almost as an afterthought, "Oh, by the way, we need to double production for that huge order from Pyramids, Inc. next week."

As they were walking out of the meeting, they found Light Bringer and Drawn Out waiting for them.

[ 01. May 2008, 17:29: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 5:21-6:9

"You lousy guys! You've made us a stench in TMPHOSITW's fine aquiline nostrils! You might as well have put machine guns in the managers' hands! May GOD judge you for this!" and they went off gnashing their teeth in frustration.

Moses cried out to the LORD, "What are You doing? What are You having me do?! You said You were going to make things better for 'Your people' but instead You've made it worse - and You used me to make it worse! WHY?!!! The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World has turned on the children of Israel and You have not saved them at all!"

The LORD figuratively rubbed His figurative hands together. "You just wait and see what I do to Pharaoh; you think it's a big deal he's the most powerful head of state in the world? No, he will bow to My demands and I will compel him to let the Hebrews go. I Am the One Who Was Is and Will Be; I showed Myself to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob as El Shaddai, God Almighty, but I didn't share My name with them. I made My covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, where they traveled and dwelt. And I've heard the cry of their offspring, in hard service to the Egyptians, and I haven't forgotten My covenant with Israel.

"Go tell the sons of Israel, 'I WAS AM WILL BE and I will liberate you from the oppression and bring you out of Egypt with a mighty arm - and I've got a long reach! I will pass judgment on Egypt as I bring you out. I will make you My people and I will be your God and you will know that I am the LORD your God who liberated you from Egypt. I will bring you to the land I promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to be your own possession. I Am the LORD!"

Moses was encouraged by what the LORD told him and he shared it with the sons of Israel, just as God instructed, but they were so discouraged and beaten down they weren't able to receive his words.
 

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Posted by the parsley sage (# 12821) on :
 
Exodus 6:10-13

Then the Lord said to Drawn Out "Go tell TMPHOSITW to let my people go!"

But Drawn Out said "The Israelites they no listen to me. TMPHOSITW no listen to me neither. Me no speak good."

But the Lord spoke to Drawn Out AND Light Bringer and told them this was not a request. It was an order. "Take my people out of Egypt!!!"

[forgot reference]

[ 06. May 2008, 06:23: Message edited by: the parsley sage ]
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 6:14-30

And these are the heads of the households, starting with the sons of Reuben, Israel's firstborn: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron and Carmi. Next Simeon's sons: Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar and Shaul. Then the sons of Levi (who lived 137 years, God bless 'im): Gershon, Kohath and Merari.

Gershon's sons were Libni and Shimei; Kohath's sons were Amram, Izhar, Hebron and Uzziel (and Kohath lived 133 years). The sons of Merari were
Mahli and Mushi. These are the Levites.

Amram (a grandson of Levi) married his father's sister, Jochebed, and she gave birth to Aaron and Moses (and a daughter named Miriam, Pride of the Tribe - more on her later). Amram also lived 137 years.

And there's lots more sons of Kohath, the son of Levi; it's kind of like a play book so we can know the cast of characters and understand that a lot of the trouble yet to come happens within the context of family. So Izhar had Korah, Nepheg and Zichri. Uzziel had Mishael, Elzaphan and Sithri.

Aaron married Amminadab's daughter Elisheba, the sister of Nahshon; their sons were Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar and Ithamar.

Korah's sons were Assir, Elkanah and Abiasaph; they make up the Korahites.

Aaron's son Eleazar married a daughter of Putiel; they had Phinehas. These are the heads of the households of the Levites.

And this is the very same Aaron and Moses we've been reading about, the ones to whom I WAS AM WILL BE said, "Liberate the children of Israel! Get them out of Egypt!" They went before TMPHOSITW and asked him to let the people go.

So on the day that I WAS AM WILL BE said, "I AM the LORD; go tell TMPHOSITW everything I tell you to tell him," Moses said, "I'm a lousy speaker. TMPHOSITW won't listen to me - will he?"
 

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Posted by the parsley sage (# 12821) on :
 
Exodus 7:1-7

The Lord said to Moses, "I have a new game for you. It's kind of a cross between dress-ups and a game that will one day be called Chinese Whispers. Here's how it works: You get to be me, and your brother (Aaron) will be your prophet (that's the dress-ups part). Then I tell you something, and you tell Aaron, and he tells TMPHOSITW and we see if TMPHOSITW gets it right! The message is Let my people go!. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

"But it won't be. I'm going to make it so that TMPHOSITW doesn't listen, so that will spoil the game. Then I'll come and work my magic, but he still won't listen. Then I'll open a can of kick-ass on Egypt and the Israelites can play another game called Following the Leader. And they'll know I WAS AM WILL BE. Easy-peasy!"

Moses and Aaron were still playing I WAS AM WILL BE Says, so they did what they were told. Moses was 80 and Aaron was 83. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
 

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Posted by amber. (# 11142) on :
 
Exodus 7 vv 8-13

So, Him Upstairs said to Moses and Aaron, "If the Pharaoh says to you, “Don’t believe a bloomin’ word of it – let’s see you prove it, eh?” then I’ve got something up my sleeve that should tickle his fancy."

(Moses privately regretted God ever buying a copy of the Handy Guide to Idioms, but daren't say as much).

God continued, "What you’ve got to do is take your walking stick and throw it in front of you and I guarantee it’ll become a snake. No, honest, there’s no need to look at me like that – it will."

Moses and Aaron glanced at each other in a, “You keep him talking, I’ll go get the doctor” sort of way, but agreed to have a go anyway. So off to see the Pharaoh they went, complete with said stick, and right in front of Pharaoh and his servants the stick was laid down and promptly became a snake.

You’d think Pharaoh was going to be impressed, but nope. Instead, he called for his team of magicians and hangers-on, who threw down their own sticks, and those became snakes too.

Moses, luckily, had the winning snake, and the rest were soon a tasty snack for his one.

Pharaoh was still not impressed, and refused to take a bit of notice of them, exactly as Him Upstairs had forecast. Drat.

[ 15. May 2008, 12:08: Message edited by: amber. ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 7:14-24

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out:
“Hard is the heart of TMPHOSITW; he won't let the people go.
So go to him in the morning; and watch the place where he bathes.
Stand in the way and confront him; the snake-staff take in your hand.
Tell him 'WITH-US the aliens' God; he sent me to you to say,
“Send my people to serve me; In the desert is where they should be!”
But up until now you've been deaf! So WITH-US is now saying this:
“By this you will know I am WITH-US; I'll be striking the staff on the water.
And the water will turn into blood! The fish in the river will die.
The river will send up a stink; your people will be fed up with drinking.”'

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out:
“Tell Light-Bringer to take up your staff; tell him to hold out his hand.
Hold them over the streams of the land; the waters, canals and the cisterns.
That way they'll turn into blood; in all of the land there'll be blood.
Including the buckets and jars; And one day I'll teach you to rhyme.”

Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer did Just That. Just all of That. He raised the staff, he struck the river's water right before the eyes of TMPHOSITW and his civil servants – and all the river's water turned to blood. The fish in the water died, the river stank, and the country's citizens could not drink the water. There was blood all over the land.

But – another But – the country's pharmacists did exactly the same thing and claimed the intellectual property.

And – another And – TMPHOSITW was encouraged to ignore That which Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer had Just done. Just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had predicted. TMPHOSITW did a dramatic about face, harumphed back into his State Residence and refused even to ask for a policy options paper on the issue. Truly he was a legend in his own lunchtime.

Mind you, the country's citizens still had to dig around the river to find water fit to drink; they were still unable to drink water directly from the river. Realpolitik was in the air.
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 7:25 - 8:15

A week passed after I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU turned the Nile into blood when He said to Drawn-Out, "Get yourself before TMPHOSITW and reiterate, 'The Most Holy, Revered and Powerful God Whom I serve says, "Let My people go in order that they may serve Me. And don't you dare not let them go because, if you don't, I will smite you with such a mighty smiting-- it's going to be frogs, more frogs' legs than you could ever consume even if you were French; they will fill the Nile and sweep across the land, into your house and your bedroom and even your bed, into the houses of all your servants and all your people, filling even their ovens and mixing bowls. You will have frogs to the max."'"

So I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU to Drawn-Out to tell Light-Bringer (note the hierarchy) to stretch his arm, staff in hand, out over all the water of Egypt and make the frogs come upon the land.

And he did.

And they did.

But the magical movers and shakers and research geneticists at the behest of TMPHOSITW managed to replicate the smiting action, adding frogs of their own to the bazillions of frogs hopping under foot and under bed and throughout Egypt.

So TMPHOSITW called for Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer and wheedled: "Ask your Lord to stop with the frog smiting, from me and oh yeah, my people too, and I'll let your people go so y'all can sacrifice to your God and placate Him."

Drawn-Out felt a glow of satisfaction; "Your MPHOSITWness, you have the honor of telling me, when shall I make this request on behalf of yourself and your servants and your people, in order that the frogs will cease and desist inappropriately upon the land and resume living in the Nile, as they ought?"

TMPHOSITW, being no fool, told him to do it the very next day. Drawn-Out said, "As you have spoken it will be, in order that you would know there is none other like I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, our God. The frogs will leave you and your houses and your servants and your people and will live only in the Nile where they belong."

Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer left TMPHOSITW and Drawn-Out interceded mightily on his behalf with I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and He graciously did as Moses asked: all the frogs all over the land, in the ovens and the mixing bowls and the bedrooms and the houses and the courtyards and the fields, they all died. The Egyptians piled the frog corpses in great piles, all over the land.

Just imagine the stench.

But TMPHOSITW, seeing that the frogs were safely dead and piled in piles, returned once again to his customary stance of arrogance and stubbornness and refused to honor the promise he made regarding the children of Israel - just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said he would.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 8:16-19

So God spoke again to Moses, "Tell Aaron to stretch out his staff...no, not that staff...stretch out his staff and hit the dirt with it, so that it may become gnats (or maybe they were mosquitoes, or lice, anyway, some manner of small, swarming, biting insect) throughout the whole land of Egypt.

And so Aaron did. And so did they. Aaron stretched out his hand with his staff (stop snickering!) and struck the dust of the earth, and like something out of The Mummy Returns, all of that dust, the millions of motes, became millions upon millions of itty bitty biting insects. And they bit the people, and they bit the animals; they bit anything that could bleed, really. And lo, there was great scratching of irritable skin throughout the land of Egypt.

The court magicians, playing their assigned role in this deified pissing contest, tried to conjure up a similar swarm, but the best they could manage was a handful of itching powder. They just couldn't do it, so they whined to TMPHOSITW, "This is the finger of HE WHO IS WITH THOSE PEOPLE IN VARIOUS TENSES! His power is too strong. We cannot match him!"

But TMPHOSITW, true to form and to God's word, had a truly sclerotic heart; he would not listen to them, just as God said.
 

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Posted by the parsley sage (# 12821) on :
 
Exodus 8:20-23

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn Out, "Right, no more late starts for you. Set your alarm, get up early, and go meet TMPHOSITW on his way to the river. This time say,

"I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-US says,

Let my people go! Let them go worship me! Or else. I will send more flies than you can imagine - in your houses, on you and your posse and everyone else. The flies will fill up your houses and cover the ground.

But my people are special; they won't have to deal with flies. That's coz I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-THEM am in their land (Goshen), not in yours (Egypt). My people get special treatment.

It'll be a miracle. You have until tomorrow."
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 8:24-32

And I WAS AM WILL BE did just as He said: massive quantities of flies filled the houses of TMPHOSITW and his servants and all his people and it was devastating throughout the land of Egypt.

TMPHOSITW called for Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer and said, "Go already! Sacrifice to your (yes, I confess, I admit it) powerful deity - but do it here, within the land.

Moses said, "No can do. The things we sacrifice to the LORD are abominations* to the Egyptians; if we do it here your people will stone us. No, we must travel for three days into the wilderness in order to safely sacrifice to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-US as He has commanded us to do."

TMPHOSITW said, "Okay, okay, go into the wilderness but don't go very far away. Sacrifice to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU your God and throw in a little sacrifice on behalf too, will you?"

Drawn-Out said, "Yes, I'll leave here and entreat I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-US that He would remove the plague of flies - but do not let TMPHOSITW deal treacherously again and renege on his promise to let the people go into the wilderness and worship the LORD with sacrifices."

Moses did as he said he would.

And I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU did as He said He would.

But TMPHOSITW did not do as he said he would; instead he dug his heels in deeper and resisted harder and his cardiolithic condition grew more severe.


*the whole "sheep and shepherds are offensive and abominable to Egyptians" thing... kinda weird, eh?
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 9:1-7

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out for the fifth time: “Go to TMPHOSITW...”

“Ooh! Ooh! Wait a bit – I think I'm getting the hang of this!” Said Drawn-Out, pulling some note cards from his sleeve and shuffling through them, “Hang on – here we are – 'Get me behind Aaron while he standeth before TMPHOSITW and saith, “Thus sayeth I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of the Aliens: 'Let My People Go To Serve Me!'”'”?

“Very good” said God, “You're showing promise, though I nearly lost track of your quotation marks. And you need to brush up on your colloquialisms a bit. Now, in addition say that if he refuses and continues to hold them – are you getting this?”

“Hmm Hmm.” Said Drawn-Out, scribbling furiously.

“Tell him, 'Watch Out! I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU's Hand will most definitely bring Mad Cow disease on your cows, Hydatids on your horses, Diarrhoea on your donkeys, Constipation on your camels, Goat Pox on your goats and Scrapie on your sheep.'”

Pause.

“It's spelt D-I-A-R-R-H-O-E-A” said God.

“Also tell him that his animals will be a-pested, but the aliens' will be a-parted. It's a pun – a play on words, though he won't understand it because he doesn't speak your language. Right; synchronise sundials. I will do This Thing tomorrow.

“Right then,” said Drawn-Out to Light-Bringer, “Off you go; I'm right behind you.”

Sure enough, on the following day, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU did This Thing. TMPHOSITW dispatched his Chief Vet to assess the situation and found that none of the aliens' animals had been affected. TMPHOSITW's heart, however, continued its onward course to ossification.
 

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Posted by the parsley sage (# 12821) on :
 
Exodus 9:8-12

I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn Out and Light Bringer "Stick your hands in a furnace - don't forget to put the fire out first! - and get a handful of ashes. Then go throw the ashes in the air in front of TMPHOSITW. What? You don't think that'll make him listen? Well how about this: Biological warfare. The ashes spread like dust through all of TMPHOSITW's land. They will cause REALLY BAD acne on all the Egyptians and their animals."

So Drawn Out and Light Bringer went and got a handful of ashes from a furnace (after putting the fire out first), and went and threw them at TMPHOSITW. They got some strange looks from witnesses. Then the boils started breaking out all over the people and animals. TMPHOSITW tried to call his magic people out again, but they refused to be seen in public with such bad skin.

But the ossification of TMPHOSITW's heart continued unabated. He may also have developed a bad case of selective hearing. I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU knew this already, of course.
 

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Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Then God said to Mo, ‘Same again tomorrow, back to Pharaoh’s. I’ve got a lot on tomorrow, so I’ll need you to be getting there nice and early. Here’s what you say:

‘Further to our earlier correspondance (enc.), we note with regret that you have failed to attend to our previous notices regarding worshipping rights for the Hebrew community. We must now therefore request with the greatest urgency that the Hebrews be accorded their statutory annual leave in order to fulfil their sacrificing requirements. If such leave is not accorded in the most timely manner, further penalties will be incurred. Although we have not yet invoked the full force of current legislation, you ought to be advised that we consider this to be an important test case and that the consequences of further disregard for our requirements are therefore likely to be severe. Specifically, such penalties shall include, but not be limited to, a devastating hailstorm, resulting in considerable damage to livestock.’

That night everyone tuned into the weather forecast at the end of the six o’clock news. ‘Tonight we have a severe weather warning for you. As you see, here is an area of high pressure which will be arriving overnight bringing with it heavy rain and hail. This will be leading to dangerous driving conditions, we also advise you to bring in livestock from the fields, because this is looking like one of the worst storms on record.’

The people who’d decided that Pharaoh could destroy himself if he wanted but they weren’t joining in brought in their livestock and slaves. Other people assumed that the weather forecast was making it up as usual and left them out.

Next morning, Moses lifted up his staff in a dramatic manner and in came the storm! It was the worst anyone could remember - twelve inches of rain in half an hour, hail and great forks of lightning. It ruined the flax and barley harvests, although the wheat and spelt weren’t in bloom yet so starvation was staved off for the time being.

This time Pharaoh decided that he might possibly have bitten off more than he could chew. ‘Fine,’ he snarled. ‘I should have let you go. Go take your stupid three days off.’ ‘That’ll do nicely’, said Mo, lifted up a hand, and stopped the storm.

Afterwards, Pharaoh had a little think. ‘That was easy,’ he mused. ‘You just say you’re sorry, and you get what you want. Might as well keep the slaves then.’

(Exod 9 : 13-35)
 

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Posted by the parsley sage (# 12821) on :
 
Exodus 10:1-2

"Hey, Drawn Out," said I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU, "Guess what? It's me making TMPHOSITW so stubborn! SURPRISE! It gives me a chance to show off. Isn't it great? Won't this be a great story to tell your grandkids? All about how I was so hard on the Egyptians, and also how awesome my miracles were.... It'll be great. And they'll all know that I am I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-THEM."
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 10:3-20

Drawn Out and Light Bringer went once again to TMPHOSITW and said, "Hey! We are not speaking for ourselves! We're speaking for I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of the Hebrews (who you may despise because we're just slaves but that's only because you've forgotten how Joseph saved your bacon. And we don't even eat the stuff) - the LORD says, 'how long do I have to put up with your stubbornness? How long will you resist Me in your pride, refusing to let My people go worship Me? If you don't yield and let them go by tomorrow, I will bring a devastation of locusts upon you and your land. It will be sooo bad you won't be able to see the ground. And they're hungry. Your meager crops after the hail? Consider them gone, every green blade, leaf and tree, and your houses will be full of locusts unless you stop resisting Me. You have never seen anything like this, not you, not your ancestors, not as long as humans have walked the face of the earth.'"

And with that Moses and Aaron turned on their heels and walked out of Pharaoh's palace.

They may or may not have high-fived but TMPHOSITW's advisers and flunkies turned to Pharaoh and said, "What, are you nuts?!" (but in a kiss-up manner so as not to get themselves killed) "How long are you going to let these two brothers and their God mess with Egypt? The land is reeling, we are destroyed. Let those people go!"

TMPHOSITW had Drawn Out and Light Bringer brought back into his presence and said, "Okay, okay - you can go serve your God. Wait-- how many of you are going, anyway?"

Drawn Out told him right out, "We're all going: young, old, men, women, flocks, everything - because we have to hold a great feast and celebration."

A disturbing smile spread across TMPHOSITW's face: "What, you think I'm crazy? You think I'll let you take your children with you? No no no no, you will never take them out of Egypt - you're just trying to deceive me. No, you can take the men and make your offerings; that should suffice." And he threw Moses and Aaron out into the street.

I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU now said to Drawn Out, "Stretch out your hand over all Egypt in order that the locusts might come upon the land and devour every edible plant."

And Moses did just that and an east wind rose up and blew all day and all night and the following morning the locusts rode upon the wind. They completely inundated Egypt, covering every field and corner, locusts like you wouldn't believe. There have never been so many locusts on the face of the earth nor will there ever be so many locusts again. They completely devastated Egypt, eating every bit of vegetation.

TMPHOSITW panics (better late than never, eh?) and has Moses and Aaron brought in. "I've sinned against your God! I'll even admit I've sinned against the two of you. I'm sorry, I'll let you go, now just make the locusts go away because they're killing us. Please. Ask your God nicely on my behalf."

So they left and made an appeal to the LORD and I-AM-IN-MANY-TENSES-WITH-YOU caused the wind to change direction and an almost-gale-force wind came from the west and picked up all the locusts and carried them into the Red Sea; they were all gone.

But the LORD recalcified Pharaoh's heart so that once again he refused to honor his word and let the Hebrew people go.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 10:21-29

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out, “Stretch out your hand to point to the sky. There will be a real, tangible, darkness over this land of the Sun God.”

So Drawn-Out did his charismatic hand-to-the-heavens routine and a frighteningly absolute blackness covered the land for three whole days. This was interesting, because although the people of the land of the Sun God couldn't see beyond the end of their noses and had to cower in their homes for those three days, the descendants of God-Fights were pondering where they could get some high-value shades from.

Then TMPHOSITW called out to Drawn-Out, “All right, Go! Take your people and serve this I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. However, your livestock will be detained here.”

Drawn-Out replied, “So you'll provide us with the sacrifices and burnt offerings for I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, then? Hardly! Come on, we need our livestock, the whole livestock and nothing but our livestock. How are we to know exactly what our God will want us to do until we get there? We need to go prepared.”

'Flip' went TMPHOSITW's heart as TMPHOSITW pressed the Calcify switch again. “I've changed my mind,” bellowed TMPHOSITW, “Quit bothering me and get out! I'm warning you – just watch your back. If I ever see you again, you will die!”

“So be it,” huffed Drawn-Out, “I'll never, ever, come before you again.”

And dramatically swinging his cloak about him, he swung about and exited stage left.
 

---

Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 11

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out, "There is one final plague I have reserved for Pharaoh and Egypt - after this plague he will indeed let you go, he will drive you out of the land.

"Go and announce to the people, tell them to go to their neighbors and ask for articles of gold and silver." I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU gave the Hebrews favor with the Egyptians and Moses himself was highly-esteemed by TMPHOSITW's household and managers.

Drawn-Out explained to the people, "I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU says that 'round about midnight He is going out into the land of Egypt and all the firstborn of Egypt are going to die, from the poorest of the poor to Pharaoh's own child. Even the Egyptian cattle will suffer this plague. And a cry of anguish will rise up from the land, such as has never been heard before nor will again! But nothing will happen against Israel, not so much as a dog barking, so that all the world may know that God differentiates between Egypt and Israel."

And turning to TMPHOSITW for the last time, Drawn-Out said, "Your own servants are going to come to me and say, 'Leave us! Go worship your God, you and all your people--' and, at that point, I will indeed leave." And, nostrils flared in anger, Moses left the palace of Most Powerful Head Of State In The World .

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said, "He won't listen to you, you know-- but it has a purpose: in order that My Mighty Wonders™ may be fully displayed in the land of Egypt."

And indeed, Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer performed all God's Mighty Wonders™ in the presence of TMPHOSITW - yet the Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart and he refused to release the children of Israel.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
YHWH said to Moses and Aaron who were still at this time in the land of Egypt: "This month will be for you the beginning of months. In other words, it shall be the first month of the year. Since first things are important, you know there must be a liturgy. Now, listen closely...

Tell the whole congregation of Israel, man, woman, and child, that they are to take a lamb for each family. That's one lamb per family, got it? If they're too small for a whole lamb, they may join with their neighbors, and the lamb will be divided evenly among all present, in proportion with the number of people who eat it. The lamb must be without blemish, so no warts, infections, or apparent venereal disease, it shall be a male yearling. It doesn't matter whether it's a sheep or a goat, just pick a lamb, any lamb (that fits the previous stipulations). You follow?"

Moses and Aaron nodded.

"Very good. You shall keep this lamb...Yes, Moses, the wartless yearling male sheep or goat lamb, that lamb...you shall keep this lamb until the fourteenth day...where? I don't care where you keep it! Just keep it, ok?...and then the whole congregation shall slaughter it at twilight."

Moses raised his hand, tentatively. YHWH looked impatient. "What is your question?" he asked. "Oh, I-AM-WITH-YOU-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
(apologies for the double post...I accidentally posted by keystroke and by the time I got to the first half-post to delete it, it was past edit-time)

Exodus 12:1-6, continued

...do you intend for the entire congregation of Israel to slaughter each and every family's lamb, or do you mean to say that each and every member of the congregation of Israel shall slaughter their particular family's lamb? Somehow, I don't think having the whole group slaughter each lamb individually would be very efficient..."

YHWH sighed, and responded, "Yes, you fool! I mean to say that each and every Israelite, as part of the great community of Israel, must slaughter their familial lamb. The whole congregation is slaughtering lambs as a single group, that's what I meant. Anyway...they're to slaughter these lambs at twilight..."

[ 10. June 2008, 15:23: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by amber. (# 11142) on :
 
Exodus 12: 7-11

"...and also", God continued, "you're to splash a bit of lamb's blood about on the doorframes". Moses and Aaron were looking very puzzled, but decided not to ask questions about that. ("Her indoors'll be cross at the mess" whispered Moses...)

God fixed them with a steely stare. The whispering stopped.

"Now, a decent recipe", God said. "I'd suggest roast lamb, a selection of herbs, and a nice bit of unleavened bread with it myself. Well done, so none of this "medium rare please, Chef" stuff, and no namby-pamby boiling it or making it into pretty steaks and ribs first. And no leftovers either. Waste not, want not. That's what I say. And if it's not too much trouble, do dress for dinner. I can't wait all night for you lot to eat it either, so hurry up."
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 12:12-20
“But while you are hurrying up, listen up. It's Judgement Day. All the gods of the most powerful nation on earth are going down. They think every firstborn creature belongs to them. Well, this very night I will take every firstborn away from them. I AM the I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.

“That blood on the doorframes will be a sign for me to pass over that house. No judgement will touch you when I strike at the land. I want you to remember this day, you and all your descendants, forever. Make it a Holiday. No, actually, make it a Holiweek. For seven days I want you to eat Matzot. Do it like this: on the first...

“Matzot. It's unleavened bread. On the first day, get rid...

“Unleavened bread. It's bread made without yeast for goodness sake. On the first day, get rid of all of the...

“Yeast. For crying out loud, ask Miriam. Get rid of any yeast from your houses – if I catch anyone yeasting during that Holiweek, they will be out of the gang. I want you to hold a Holimeeting on day one and day seven. You all get time off that week; relax – except for prepping the food, of course.

“We'll call this Holiweek 'The Matzot' so you don't forget the recipe and the fact that I brought all of you out of the most powerful nation on earth. It will be the beginning of your year.”

Drawn-Out had just finished etching “Matzot” onto a tablet. “Sorry God, could you run that past me one more time?”

So I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU did.
 

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Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Exodus 12:21-30

So Drawn-Out called together the elders of Israel and instructed them regarding the selection of their lamb and according to the size of their households, when to slaughter the pesach lamb, and how to take a bundle of hyssop, dip it in the blood of the lamb which has been caught in a basin, and strike the doorposts and lintel with the blood.

Drawn-Out warned all Israel not to step outside until morning because I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU would pass over the land in order to strike the Egyptians and when the LORD sees the blood marking the entrance to their homes, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU will pass over their homes without letting the destroyer destroy them because Israel bears the mark of His covenant.

Drawn-Out told the elders of Israel that all Israel was to observe this event for all time, that when Israel enters the land I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU has promised to give them they will keep this feast and explain its meaning and significance to the children of every generation, saying "it is the pesach sacrifice to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU Who passed over our houses when we were slaves in Egypt but struck down the first-born of Egypt.

Everybody was awestruck and bowed down to worship I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and after that all the people did exactly as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU instructed Drawn-Out to instruct them.

And in the middle of the night I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU smote all the firstborn throughout the land of Egypt, from Pharaoh's child to the prisoner's child to the firstborn even of the Egyptian cattle.

In the middle of the night The Most Powerful Head Of State In The World got up and all his household got up, too. There was a heartrending cry throughout the whole land of Egypt as has never been before nor will be again because every household lost a soul that night when the LORD executed the last of His Mighty Wonders™.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Executed, indeed...

Exodus 12:31-32

(warning: post contains profanity. It seemed appropriate...)

Then TMPHOSITW, grief stricken, screamed, "Somebody get those fucking Jews in here, NOW!" And so they were summoned. And the most powerful monarch of the hour said to them, "OK. You've made your point."

Moses coughed.

"OK, that genocidal fiend who's with you in too many tenses has made his fucking point. He doesn't fuck around. Fine. Point made. Now rise and get your holy circumcised asses outta my country before I chop them off. You and the fucking tribes and all the cows and asses your sorry butts rode in on. I don't wanna see another single YHWH-fearing freak come near this place. Ya hear me? Worship your homicidal maniac as you see fit, just don't do it around here. SCRAM! BEGONE! GIT!"

And while you're at it, please, for the love that all that is merciful, ask your god to bless me. Ra knows I'm going to need it. Now, please. Leave. Now."

They thought they heard sobbing as they all-but-ran out of the room...
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
(sorry, couldn't resist the temptation to write some more)

Exodus 12:33-42

As the Hebrews fled, they noticed a deafening silence. The Egyptians, up to now their neighbors, all stood away. Hands rose, warding off the evil eye as mouths muttered strange prayers; holy trinkets were fondled and not a single person dared to make eye contact. The terror was palpable. Every single one of them felt. A former friend walked up to one of the Hebrews and whispered, "Please. Leave now, else we shall all be dead."

The Hebrews, perhaps equally mystified at what had happened, hastened to pack their bags. Some had this strange feeling that if they didn't leave now, the second Pharaoh got his wits together again, they'd all be dead, and rather painfully.

So they packed. They were in such haste that the bread they brought was unleavened. They carried their kneading bowls wrapped in their cloaks on their shoulders. All of this was done in near complete silence.

Also, the Israelites had followed Moses' advice, and rather conveniently asked for loans of jewelry, silver, gold, and for clothing. YHWH had given them favor in the sight of the Egyptians. Depending on how you look at it, this was either a fantastic heist or an unfathomable act of generosity on the Egyptians' part. Most likely it was the former, for it is written that they plundered the Egyptians.

The immense train of people began to move, on foot, more or less in unison, from Ramses to Succoth, all 600,000 men on foot, plus children. Along with them went a mixed crowd, and livestock, both flocks and herds. They baked their unleavened cakes of the dough they had brought, it was flat and crispy, for they had not had time to wait as they fled Egypt, nor had they prepared any provisions for themselves.

The Israelites had been in Egypt for 430 years. AT the end of these years, heck, on the very anniversary of Joseph's entrance, all the companies of the Lord left. For YHWH, it was a night of vigil, to bring them out of the land of Egypt. This vigil is a tradition to be kept for YHWH by all the Israelites throughout their generations. Never forget.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
God became aware of a disturbance in the force. It became necessary to utter more words of God. Quickly.

Ex. 12:43-51

So, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer, “Here is a new Act of Government: The Passover and Yeast Culling Act.”

Section 1: Participation Restrictions on Non-Citizens.
Section 2: Get-out clause for migrant workers.
Subsection 2(1): Once you have taken the snippers to him.
Section 3: Repeat Section 1 for emphasis.
Section 4: Mono-habito-eating habits.
Subclause 4(1): It shall be a violation to break bones.
Section 5: Onus on entire citizenry to participation.
Section 6: Non-citizen snipper requirements pending participation.
Section 7: Extent and territorial application.

Just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU commanded Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer, so the citizens did. That very day, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU brought all the descendants of God-Struggler away from the most powerful nation in the world. And he did it in their assorted groupings.
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Ex. 13:1-2

So, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out “Here is a new Act of Government: The Consecration of the First Born.”

All the First Born, from whichever womb they come, human or beast, are mine.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 13:3-10

Drawn-Out was a bit hazy on what I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU meant by that, and he knew that if he was hazy, it was as sure as spit from a camel that the people would see his haze and raise it by a thick smog. He decided to approach the subject slowly; from a different direction.

“Listen up, people” he said, “Today – this very day – yes, the day we were rescued from menial labour, This Day, when I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU showed us his biceps, This Day will be the first month in our new calendar. We'll call it 'Spring', because it's that time of year, you see."

In the absence of anything appropriate in mind to celebrate this propitious event, Drawn-Out reverted to The Passover and Yeast Culling Act. “Celebrate this First Day of 'Spring' by eating yeast-free food” he said. Realising that this didn't sound quite the exiting First Day celebration that it should have, Drawn-Out moved swiftly on to 'The Bright Future.' “I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU will bring us to our new land. Yes, there are some Sons-of-Canaan there, but what's a couple of – couple, OK, the Sons-of-Hit are there as well, but two or three nations... Three, yes, OK, the Sons-of-Amor reside there, too, but we take on four... Four – yes, I should have mentioned the Sons-of-Hivi, but really, I'm sure we can take them out with the digits of one hand. Five digits, that's true; the Sons-of-Jebu have a holding or two – but the point is that this is the land I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU promised to our fathers, their fathers, and their father's fathers. Trust me, if you aren't sure why we should be de-yeasting so often, just bear with it because that land has more supermarkets than you can shake a corner shop at.”

Drawn-Out then explained the reasons for the yeast avoidance day – just as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had told him in chapter 12.
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Exodus 13:11-16

Drawn-Out took a deep breath and decided to do his best with the first born bit, as instructed by I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU

"When we get into the Canaanites' country, as you've been promised forever will happen and I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU makes it over to our people, then you must follow this memo. To I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU you must give

• your first born children and
  your first born animals.
  You'll get your first born children who are boys back,
  You can redeem any first born donkey back by swapping with a lamb or kid, but if you don't you must break the donkey's neck.

quote:

---

Citizenship Lessons, Session 1: Introduction to Obligations.

Questions on this will appear in your end of year exam.

(A) The “If” clause - If you do the following:
[1] Listen oh-so-very-carefully to what the Lord (a.k.a. I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU) your God says; and
[2] Behave as you should behave in his presence; and
[3] Pay attention to his Commands; and
[4] Keep all of the Limits; then

(B) The “Then” clause - It follows that:
I will not land on you any of the diseases that I plagued on the Egyptians.

This is true and is the case because I am Lord (a.k.a. I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU a.k.a. God) your Healer.

---

Then they all came to Palm-Trees (a.k.a. Elim) where there were twelve wells of water* and seventy palm trees**, so they set up camp by the water.


Allegory mode:
* One for each tribe?
** One for each nation (Gen. 10)??
 

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Posted by amber. (# 11142) on :
 
Exodus 16: 1-9

So, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they’d left Egypt, they decided to leave Elim, and went to Sin (no, the place, not the activity, tsk. Concentrate please. Quite a nice little place, just between Elim and Sinai, very handy for the tourist season I hear, but a bit short of food.). The rest of the tribe was unimpressed. “Ere”, they said, “We’re bloomin’ hungry. At least we had a decent bit of something in the flesh pots in Egypt!” Moses tried to get the vision of a bit of something in flesh pots out of his mind, but alas it was too late, especially since they were heading for Sin.

God was listening in, and said to the somewhat distracted Moses, "Hmm, could be a bit of a riot building up here, from all that muttering. Tell you what, I’ll drop a bit of food down for you each day " So Moses told the people that God was well aware that they were cross with Him, and He’d decided to send them meat in the morning and bread in the evening.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 16:10-12

And as Aaron (Moses' spokesperson) was going on and on about how gracious God was and promising impending food, a few bored Israelites got bored and began to stare, as bleary-eyed schoolchildren, into the wilderness. Then a shout arose, "Hey! What's that?" And like a mighty UFO, the glory of God appeared in a cloud. And then I-AM-WITH-YOU-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES spoke up, saying "There shall be meat in the evening and bread* in the morning! Now you shall know that I am the Lord your God!"

* As shall be seen, God has a very interesting notion of what exactly constitutes "bread."
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 16:13-18

That very evening, a phalanx of pheasants flew phenomenally low and filled the fields with fleshly Phasianidae. “Phew!” Said Drawn-Out, “Finally, food for the family.”

And there was evening and there was morning, the bird day. When the morning dew had cleared, there was a layer of thin, crusty, flaky, Frosties on the ground. The People clustered around and stared at the substance.

“What manna of stuff is this?” They asked. The name stuck.

Drawn-Out drew attention to the fact that the divine dew was, in fact, the promised food from God. “Take only what you need” He said, “An Omer for every person in your family.”

There was a flurry of calculations. “Could we have that in imperial measures, perchance?” Asked the People.

“Not yet” Answered Drawn-Out. “The stuff will be gone soon. Come back in verse 36 and I will tell you then.”

Inevitably that meant that the People took to guessing. Some collected a lot and some only a little. However, generations of living from hand to mouth in the most powerful nation in the world had taught a degree of canniness to the People and it turned out that each had taken just enough for their needs.
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Exodus 16: 19-21

Now the Drawn-out one (Moses) did tell them that they couldn't keep any for tomorrow but like people everywhere some just had to be greedy and hoard for the following day. Unfortunately for them, they really did get their come-uppance because the hoarded manna (really crystallised honey dew of insects) smelt vile and was full of maggots next morning.

But I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES kept his promise and each morning there was more manna, plenty for all. Just to ensure that there were no lazybones lying in bed the manna melted away as the sun rose.
 

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Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
ch 16 v21-26

So, just to make sure that there would be no more greedy people gathering up too much manna, and to make sure they would gather up more than was necessary in time for Sabbath (?) the beardie one explained that boiling or baking destroyeth the possibility of morning maggots. The folk did this, and sure enough, all was well on the sabbath, when they lazy ones were able to have a lie in, cause no further gathering was required.
Just to make absolutely sure that everyone got it right, the big guy made sure that there was absoutely no manna stuff to gather on the sabbath
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 16:27-30

Then, on the 7th day, some Hebrews went out for a wee-hours-of-the-morning snack. Unfortunately for them, they found nothing. As they were returning, however, a thunderous cry arose from somewhere outside the camp, steadily growing in volume and apparent rage as it drew closer. The divine luminosity hovered close. Drawn-Out and Light-Bringer ran out to meet it as it screamed:

ARGHGHGHGHGHGH! How long am I going to have to repeat myself! How long will you thick-headed people insist upon ignoring me and refusing to keep my commandments! Look! I, THE LORD, have given you a Sabbath! See? S-A-B-B-A-T-H! Sabbath! Do you really need to be reminded to take a break every week? Is it that hard to do NOTHING for 24 hours? Do you suffer from congenital workaholism or something? Look, I give to you enough food on the 6th day to cover both days 6 and 7. You do not need to forage on the 7th day. Just sit tight and take a break like you're told!

So the people rested on the 7th day.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 16:31-36
The People had called the stuff on the ground “Wazzat?” It was white, like snow, but tasted like waffles. To allow future generations of the People to see what Wazzat looked like, Drawn-Out had told the People that God had commanded them to take an Omer of Wazzat and keep it as a souvenir of their desert dessert.

Drawn-Out told Light-Bringer to pop the souvenir into a jar and keep it safe until it could be placed in a holy place. As it turned out, the People ate Wazzat for no less than forty years, all the time it took them to get to the Promised Land (currently populated by the Low People).

But enough of that long-term perspective. Back to reality. Drawn-Out emerged from his tent with a scientific abacus. “OK People.” He announced, “I've worked out what that Omer is in the imperial tongue.”

The People paused, expectantly, while he completed his final delicate adjustments on the scientific abacus. There was a hush.

“It's ten percent of an Ephah.”

And he strode purposefully back into his tent.
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Exodus 17:1-7

Now the People had reached the desert of Sin* and were travelling through the area in stages, as commanded by I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. As with the nature of deserts there wasn't a whole lot of water around so when they camped at the Place of Supports (Rephidim) the People were getting thirsty, and unsurprisingly, fractious. They started to whine to Drawn-Out (Moses):
"We're thirsty, wanna a drink, wanna drink, NOW!"
Drawn-Out looked at the People reverting to toddlerhood and groaned. Crossing his fingers behind his back, he said:
"You are testing I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, again. You know that's not wise guys. Come on, you know he'll provide."
But the People continued in toddler-mode.
"Why did you bring us? We no wanna come. Wanna go home (to Egypt). Wanna go home, NOW! We thirsty, the animals are thirsty, we're all gonna die."
Drawn-Out turned to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and said:
"OK, so what do I do now? They're getting nasty and next I'll be strung up by a lynching mob or stoned to death. Is that in your plan?"
I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told the Drawn-Out one to take some elders and walk through the camp to Moon Mountain* with his staff in his hand. You remember, the staff he'd turned into a snake back in Egypt, the staff he'd waved over the waters to hold them back - that staff. When Drawn-Out came to the right place I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU would be there to show him what to do.

So Drawn-Out walked on and I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU showed him a rock to strike whereupon water poured out.

Now Drawn-Out was getting a little peeved with having to father a multitude of toddlers, so he named the places Testing (Massah) and Quarrel (Meribah) as they were the places the People had tested I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and quarrelled, yet again.


* Horeb, probably Mount Sinai - Sin probably doesn't mean what we think it does, but the moon.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 17:8-13

As the tribe plodded on, weighed down with their water bags and their belongings and peoples and such, a great cloud of dust appeared on the horizon. A few miles ahead of it, a Hebrew scout sprinted toward the camp, blood streaming from his forehead. "It's the Amalekites!" he screamed just before passing out.

Just then, Drawn Out turned to Joshua and said "Quickly, now! Choose some men for us to go out and fight with Amalek! Tomorrow I shall stand at the top of the hill with the staff of God in my hand!"

Joshua blinked, and looked at him kind of funny. Then he looked at the staff, remembered that bit with the Sea of Reeds, shuddered, and promptly did as he was told. As Joshua went down to lead the Israelites against Amalek, Drawn-Out, Light-Bringer, and Hur (not to be confused with Ben) went up to the top of a nearby hill.

There, whenever Drawn-Out held up his hand, Israel prevailed. Whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. Tragically, our heroes seemed to have had to learn this via trial and error...

Naturally, as anyone who's ever tried this knows, holding your hands up can be very tiring, so they found a great lump of rock for Drawn-Out to sit upon as Light-Bringer and (Ben?) Hur held up his hands, standing on either side of him. Thus, the hands of Drawn-Out were steady until the sun went down.

At the end of the day, a tired and bloodstained Joshua scaled the hill and raised his crimson-stained blade skyward in triumph. It was not the last time he would do this.

[ 27. August 2008, 02:41: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 17:14-16

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Drawn-Out, “Get out a blank scroll and take a memo, so that a message won't be forgotten.”

God watched as Drawn-Out got to grips with scroll technology. “I suggest you pick up one of those stones from the ground and use it as a scroll weight to stop that end from rolling up on you. Good. I suggest you pick another of those stones from the ground and use it as a scroll weight to stop that other side from rolling up on you. Got it? Good. Right. Now take out your ink quill and.... Go ask Light-Bringer for an ink quill would you? Good. Ready? Write this down and then read it back aloud so young Josh here will remember it.

“I will cause the name of Amalek to be utterly and completely forgotten everywhere.”

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Drawn-Out to scratch out the word 'Amalek' from the scroll. “That's what I mean when I say I will cause the name of [..........] to be utterly and completely forgotten” said I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.

Drawn-Out got the message. He felt it appropriate to build an altar, which he then named 'LORD-Flag' (there wasn't room to chisel out “I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU-is-the-Regimental-Colours) and in the grand tradition of etymological punning he explained it as: “Hand against Yah's Flag.”

Blank looks from The People. Drawn-Out had to explain further: “Look. The enemy tried to grab our God's royal colours; my hands raised to uphold our battle standards; God's hand struck down the enemy. See?” From generation to generation, our God will fight against these... these...Hang on a mo...” Drawn-Out took out the scroll and unravelled it. He peered at the message.

“See? He beamed proudly, “I've forgotten the [........] already.”
 

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Posted by fusilli (# 2930) on :
 
Exodus 18:1-12

Now IAIVTWY’s Mighty Wonders™ reached the ears of Drawn-out’s father-in-law Jethro. So he sent word to Drawn-out that he was coming to visit along with D-O’s OH and kids who had been staying with him for the duration.

D-O went out to meet them half way. The two men then went into the tent leaving the women and children outside and D-O told Jethro the whole story form beginning to end – everything that IAIVTWY had done to the “The Most Powerful Head of State in the World” and his people to rescue his own people, everything they (or rather, he) had had to put up with on the way and how IAIVTWY had sorted everything out.

Jethro was gobsmacked. He was overjoyed at what IAIVTWY had done and praised him: “I now know that IAIVTWY is the only God and there are no runners up! He is more powerful than all those ‘gods’ with animal heads put together” and he offered sacrifices to the God Who Came First. Light-bringer and all the elders came for the feast.
 

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Posted by fusilli (# 2930) on :
 
Exodus 18:13-27

The next day, Jethro was watching his son-in-law holding court. Crowds came for him to sort out their squabbles and give them the benefit of his wisdom and knowledge of God’s laws. The queue was hours long just like for Nemesis.

Jethro couldn’t help interfering – “You’re not indispensable you know”, he said, “there must be some other people who you can delegate some of these questions to. Here’s what you should do: you represent the people to THE-GOD-WHO-COMES-FIRST but appoint generals, lieutenants, sergeants and corporals to sort out the people’s problems. Choose honest, upright men for the job. If they can’t cope or don’t know the answer, then they can come to you. Otherwise you are going to get an ulcer. Just my two pennyworth – take it or leave it.”

D-O saw the wisdom in Jetro’s advice and put it into practice. To the letter. And Jethro went home.

[ 17. September 2008, 19:46: Message edited by: fusilli ]
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 19:1-6

After 90 moons on the road, in fact on the very day of the 91st moon, the nascent nation of Israel arrived in the wilderness of Sinai. Or to put it another way, they had traveled and travailed from Rephidim, entered the wilderness of Sinai, and encamped themselves there. All Israel camped before a mountain.

And Moses went up to God (The One of various tenses), and God called to him from the mountain, saying:

"Yo! Drawn-out! I got this here message for my Jacob-descended peeps in the wilderness! Tell them this:

You have seen how I royally fucked up the Egyptians, and how I led your enslaved asses out of servitude, on the wings of eagles to my most holy Self! Now from this point on, if y'all obey my voice and keep this here covenant with me, you shall be as finest bling on my almighty neck. Of course, you know the entire earth is mine, but you shall be the finest of the fine, refined as purest gold, a priestly kingdom, a holy nation!

Now Drawn Out, those are the very words you shall speak to my peeps, Israel."
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 19:7-15
So Moses, who was looking a bit drawn out by this stage in his career, went and called together all the rather old and leading bearded men (the women weren't bearded) of The People and he laid out before them the offer of a pact made by IAIVTWY. In one of the few recorded cases of tribal harmony among The People, the rather old and leading bearded men registered their unanimous pledge to be the junior partners in the alliance with God. Moses duly trotted off to deliver their conclusion to IAIVTWY.

As part of the process of ramping up the formality of the occasion, IAIVTWY said to Moses, “Behold!” This term gets used rather a lot in semitic linguistic discourse, and it was not below IAIVTWY's standing to engage in man-to-man discourse from time to time.

“Theophany!” Said IAIVTWY. This term never appears in semitic linguistic discourse and it was not above IAIVTWY's standing to engage in God-to-man discourse from time to time.

Moses consulted a birthday present: 'Theophany (read Moses): A theophany is an actual manifestation of God’s presence, i.e., an appearance of God.' “I dunno,” thought Moses, “It's all Greek to me.”

“And now,” said IAIVTWY, “Go to The People and Make Them Clean (look up Holiness in your birthday present). Do it for the next two days by making them wash their clothes. They must be ready for the third day, because then I, IAIVTWY, will come down from Mount Sinai in a way that all The People can see. However, you must border off the mountain and tell The People to take care that they do not set foot on it. Anyone who so much as touches that mountain will be put to death. It is absolutely infinitive (and my grammar supports this) that such a person will die without anyone touching him. In other words, stone or shoot the swine, even if the swine is human. The only time when they may go up the mountain is when the all clear is sounded on the siren.”

“Wow!” thought Moses, “Serious stuff.” So he went back down the mountain, partly glad that IAIVTWY had said he would be going 50-50 with him on this up-and-down-the-mountain palaver, and got the people to wash their clothes in preparation for the third day.

“Oh” said Moses, “And stay away from women.”

This was news to The People, who no doubt wondered if God had really said that.
 

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Posted by fusilli (# 2930) on :
 
Exodus 19:16-25

Scary stuff. Thunder, lightning, trumpets, smoke. So Moses took the people out to have a look and meet IAIVTWY who was making all the noise. They weren't too keen.

IAIVTWY called Moses up the mountain to send him back down (I'm getting a bit old for all this up-and-down-mountains stuff, thought DO)with a message,

"Get back, bet back. Nothing to see here. Well there is something to see but get back anyway. Move along now"
 

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Posted by fusilli (# 2930) on :
 
Exodus 20:1-7

When Moses, puffing and panting, finally got back to the top of the mountain, God started dictating. "Moses, take this down..."

"It was me that rescued your sorry butts from Egypt, me, I tell you. So don't ever go anywhere else for help. Even in a belt-and-braces sort of way"

"And don't make any statues or pictures to worship because that really pisses me off. Don't even make pitcures or stautes of me because, however big you make them, I'm a whole lot bigger. If you disobey this simple rule you'll be sorry. For decades.

"And another thing, don't you dare tell someone you are doing something for me if I haven't explicitly told you to. That's another thing that realy, really gets my goat."
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
"And something you'll really appreciate after all that up and down stuff on the mountain, I'm ordering you to rest. R-E-S-T. You know, what you HAVEN'T BEEN doing since the people came out of Egypt? Uh huh. Well, you can keep up your workaholic ways six days a week, but on the seventh you sit your butt down and just STOP. (And that goes for Mom, too, no matter how fussy she is. And the kids. And the servants. And the illegal tomato-pickers you hired last week. And just to make sure you're getting it through your thick head, THE ANIMALS. Got it? EVERYBODY.

"Why? Why, the man asks. [rolling eyes] Because it's the only way I can get your attention, that's why. Because it's time for a little WORSHIP, y'know? The reason I brought you out of Egypt--all that "I'm gonna be your God and you're gonna be my people" stuff. At least once a week you're going to shut down and remember who you are, and who I am, and who we are to each other. You know, like wedding anniversaries. Don't forget those, either, if you know what's good for you.

"And I don't want to hear any whining about how busy you are. If I could create the whole universe in six days and then take a day off, I'm sure you can work it into your schedule too."

[ 12. October 2008, 16:48: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Exodus 20:12

I Many Tenses of First Person To Be let that sink in while Drawn Out aka Moses frantically tried to remember how to spell anniversaries. He couldn't, so he left that part out to the annoyance of all generations of wives everywhere. I Many Tenses rolled his eyes -and not for the last time- but continued:

"And additionally, kids better walk the straight and narrow and listen to their parents. Kids: No surliness. No whining. And don't give them That Look. You know the one. Adolescent hormones and the need to 'individuate' is no excuse. Being a twenty, thirty, or forty year old wiseacre who thinks he knows better on 'how we do it these days' than good old Mom and Pops is no excuse. Your parents survived feeding, clothing, sheltering, educating and rearing you while juggling their own lives. Having the locks changed on the doors would be the least of your worries. If you grow up to be a know-it-all jerk who disses your nearest ancestors, there is no way in Hades/Sheol that I will leave you or yours in charge of this nice bit of land I have set aside for you (note- once you evict the current tenants). Screw up this one and you might well be last seen waving 'bye-bye' from the wrong side of the river."
 

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Posted by Charles Had a Splurge on (# 14140) on :
 
Exodus 20:13

M-N-VRS-TNSS-WTH-Y said “I want you to introduce a Health and Safety at Work, etc. Act because you have a Duty of Care for all people with whom you come into contact.”

“I want you to introduce Risk Assessments so that you don’t cause anyone to die by your carelessness or negligence.”

“Oh and as for deliberate killing. No way Never. Not in a million years. Under no circumstances. I want you all to be a bunch of pantywaist bleeding-heart liberals.”

“That means NO DEATH PENALTY (unless the proper judicial processes have been followed and all avenues of appeal have been exhausted and the prisoner has soent an unconscionable tie on Death Row)”

“That means NO WAR (unless it’s a Just War, for a just cause; lawfully declared by a lawful authority; with good intentions,having tried all other ways first;with a reasonable chance of success and with means proportional to the war’s objective)”
 

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Posted by JohnBoy (# 12444) on :
 
Exodus 20:14

No. This isn't about watering down milk; or adding melamine to up the protein count; or adding industrial oils to olive oil; or putting meths in spirits.

It's about having it off with someone who is married to someone else. Don't do it. Don't ask me about the penalty. This is apodictic law, mate. We'll get to casuistic law later.

My Son will tell you not to even think about it!!

Got it!

Didn't I give you enough blood to run your brain and your cock at the same time? Don't try that on me!
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 20:15

Don't take other people's stuff without their permission...

...unless they're Canaanites, of course.

[ 24. October 2008, 03:02: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 20:16

No Perjury Against Your Fellow Citizen.

The Criminal Justice and Quail Culling Act, Year 1, Schedule 5, Paragraph 121(3)(c).

NOTE: This instrument includes power to make—
(a) any supplementary, incidental or consequential provision, and
(b) any transitory, transitional or saving provision,
which IAIVTWY considers necessary or expedient.
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Exodus 20:17

You shall not look at objects that belong to your neighbours that you haven't got and want them.

Yes, it does mean keeping up with the Joneses is not allowed. Advertising to convince you to buy things you don't need and never knew you wanted before is wrong too - it's encouraging you to covet. Growing economies through debt and borrowing to own the same ass (car) as your neighbour is right out.
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Exodus 20:18-21

Moses was still chipping away furiously at the tablets and wasn't really paying mind to all the special effects on the mountain. Besides he'd sort of gotten used to I AM ETC.'s personal style for formal occasions which included mandatory lightening, thunder (in the best Surround Sound™), smoke, and a really loud brass section. But the people below were not. Shuddering, they backed away as far as they dared and as far as they could while still being able to shout to Moses.

"Please, please don't let Him speak to us! You take any messages. His Voice (in the best Surround Sound™) will blow us right off the map. You, boss, we can and will listen to. Please! Will you do the talking?"

"Fear not!" said Moses. "No, strike that. Do fear, but only because I AM Etc. is testing you, seeing if you fear him enough keep Him in mind when you even think about sinning. So don't. Sin, that is."

The people kept their distance while Moses soldiered up and climbed back up (again! I'm really too old for this! So when's this Sabbath thing?)) into the deep gloom of The Presence.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 20:22-26

And present-in-many-tenses continued his dictation...

Drawn out! Please take down the following:

"Look! In me you have the real deal! I am who I am, I was who I was, and I will be as I will be! You have seen this for yourselves, for I speak from heaven in fire and cloud (the fact that you must do so from a safe distance is merely for your own protection). I AM! It follows from this that those other gods of sticks and stone ARE NOT, so you should have no need for all of that silliness involving gold and silver statues. Do you understand? NO STATUES!

The only thing I request of you is an altar, essentially a glorified pile of stones, on which you shall make your sacrificial offerings of well-being, your sheep and your oxen in every place where I cause my holy name to be remembered, and I WILL come and bless you.

But let this be a warning: IF you make for me an altar of stone, DO NOT build it of hewn stones, you hear? DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT allow a single carved stone to make any altar! You know damned well that no chiseling of yours could ever compare to MY own handiwork, so don't even try! Just let the stones lie as they are!

Besides, I go for that "rustically run down farm" look, and you can't fake it with those artificially distressed bricks. Ya gotta use the real thing.

Oh, and don't walk up any stairs to your altar. The stones have eyes, you know, and I see through them, and I really don't need to see that. Just keep your feet on the ground (and your other feet covered) and everything will be OK.

[ 30. October 2008, 14:41: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 21:1-11


“Now that you have the key laws for The People,” said IAIVTWY to Moses, “Let's start the process of deciding the common law case studies.”

Law: The seventh day is a Sabbath to IAIVTWY your God; on it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, or your male servant, or your female servant, or your cattle, or the resident foreigner who is in your gates.

Case Law Number One: The People versus Servant Owner.
In this case, a servant owner bought a servant from among The People. The issue concerned how the Sabbath Law covered this event.
Court Ruling: The slave, being a member of The People, must serve for six years only. In the seventh year – a Sabbath year for him in this case – he is to go back to his freedom, for free.

In a case related to the above, the court had to decide concerning an instance where the indentured servant from among The People was married at the time of his indenture.
Court Ruling: A single servant will go free on his own, but if he was married at the time of his indenture, then he must be permitted to go free with his wife.

In a case related to the above, the court had to decide concerning an instance where a servant owner gave the servant a wife, who then had children, during the time of indenture.
Court Ruling: In this case, the wife and children remain the property of the owner. The indentured servant must go free by himself.

In a case related to the above, the court had to decide concerning an instance where an indentured servant wanted to keep the wife and children.
Court Ruling: In this case, the servant must declare his loyalty to the owner and his loyalty to wife and children. He must desire not to go free. When this is done, the owner must formalise the arrangement before a court, so that the servant remains that owner's servant for the rest of his days.

In a case relating back to Case Law Number One above, the court had to consider the case where a servant owner took on a female servant, rather than a male, and who later sold her off to a foreigner when he was no longer content to keep her. The issue was whether she would go free under the same Sabbath conditions as the male.
Court Ruling: In this case, the female must not be set free on the same terms as the male, simply because the owner was fed up with her. She would have no support. Further, she should not have been sold to a foreigner in any event. The owner must permit her to be freed by her family upon payment of a price.

In a case related to the above, the court had to decide concerning an instance where a servant owner wanted the female servant to marry his son.
Court Ruling: If the owner wishes her to marry his son, then she must be treated as a daughter in the way that is usual and expected.

In a case related to the above, the court had to decide concerning an instance where a servant owner took the female servant as a wife, later married another woman, and then mistreated the female servant.
Court Ruling: The servant owner must not treat the first wife in any lesser way. She is to have equal rights to sustenance, clothing and warmth. If the owner does not provide these three, then the female is to be allowed her freedom, for free.

“More tablets of stone!” bellowed Moses from his tent. The People scattered to find more tablets. “And bring me someone who can chisel in small font!”
 

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Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
EXODUS CH 21 V 12 -END.

Case No. 2: Those That Hit

Kill and be killed! But if it was an accident (or indeed if God did it!) then the killer can run away. But in treachery you can still kill 'em.
Sub-clauses:
i. hit yer ma or da and die! Kidnap and die! Potty-mouth ma or da and die!
ii. If you are in the heats of an argument and you whack a little fella with either a stone or stick and he doesn't die, but is confined to bed and is later able to walk around with the aid of a stick (even if still a complete vegetable), then you must pay for the time of recovery; but otherwise you get off scot free!
iii. If your slave has a wicked temper with his other slavey mates, and he's a bit too stick-happy and bumps off a few - them you pay, not the slave.
iv. If hit slaves survive vicious attacks (albeit for only 48 hours) then nobody is prosecuted.
v. If a woman is attacked and is pregnant and has a miscarriage, then we shall resort to a non-feminist interpretation of the law, and you pay the hubby damages. If she dies then you shall die! Or alternatively do over man like man did over woman.
vi. slaves who damage another slaves eye or tooth making it unuseable shall be set free. Please note this law is open to abuse.
vii. If an ox hits someone with its horn and punctures them - stone it! You must not eat it. If it has been known to indulge in this practice in the past and the owner still didn't take proper care of the pet - stone him too! But if a slave is gored, you only pay a nominal fee.
viii. Trapping and killing of animals by use of pit is permitted, but you must pay for the animal caught if someone owns it.
ix. If your ox kills another mans ox, you must half it with him - hardly seems fair but thats the law. But if ox is bad tempered brute and has done or attempted such crime in the past, then unruly, careless owners keep dead animal and replace dead for live one.

These sub-clauses should cover just about every eventuality.

[ 03. November 2008, 11:52: Message edited by: fletcher christian ]
 

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Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
Exodus 22

Property laws

If you steal and ox or a sheep and manage to slaughter and sell it before you get caught then the punishment will be five cowes for the ox and four sheep for the sheep.

If you are defending your property at night from a thief and you strike him and he dies, you shall not be held guilty for his life but if day has come and you strike him then you shall.

Basically, guys theives must make restitution for thier crimes. If they have nothing then they themselves shall be sold to pay the debt.

Any thief caught with an animal he has stolen shall pay back double.

When you graze your lifestock make sure that you do not graze them on your neighbour's field. If you do, then you have to pay for it.

Similarly if you have a fire and it spreads to other's property you are responsible for making restitution for it.

Right now if a man is looking after something for his neighbour and it is stolen then the thief if he is caught must pay back double. If the theif is not caught then the man must appear before the judges.

Similarly if you give an ox or a donkey to a neighbour to look after and the animal dies or is injured. Then the man must take an oath before the Lord that he did not lay a hand on the animal and that will be enough. No payment is needed.

But if you borrow an animal from your neighbour and it dies you shall pay restitution. But not if the owner is present when the animal dies.

Social responsibility

If a man seduces a virgin, he must then do the decent thing, pay the brideprice and marry her. If her father refuses to give her to him then he still has to pay even though he doesn't marry her.

Kill sorceressess

Kill anyone who has sex with animals

Kill anyone who sacrifices to any god other than the Lord

Never mistreat or oppress the Alien because you too were aliens in Egypt

Do not take advantage of the widow or the orphan or I will be angry and you will die by the sword.

If you lend to your neighbour do not charge him interest. If you borrow your neighbour's cloak, give it back to him before nightfall or how else will he keep warm?

Do not blaspheme and do not curse your rulers

Do not hold back the offerings.

You are my holy people.
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Exodus 23:1-9

Next, don't fall into gang mentality. Don't repeat malicious and untrue gossip (just 'cause everyone else has). Don't get up to trouble (just 'cause all those other punks do). Don't perjure yourself in court (just 'cause everyone else does). In fact, it goes both ways: don't stick up for the poor guy in a lawsuit just because he's poor, just so he can pocket a few shekels, if it means messing with justice. Truth is truth. Justice is justice. Do the right thing.

I want you all to be better than the average schmuck. Say, a guy that you frankly cannot stand has lost his livestock and it wanders your way. What do you do? Let it fall over a cliff? Nooo. Take it to your own barn to keep? Noooo. (Who'd know? I-Many-Tenses-to-Be, that's who.) Bring his poor animals back to him. It probably wouldn't hurt to smile at him either. Much. When you come on this guy who hates your guts and his donkey is next to dead under all the stuff he's piled on the poor thing's back, and you want to laugh and leave him to figure out the obvious, don't. Do the right thing. Help them both get going on their way.

To all who are involved in my justice system, I-Many-Tenses-to-Be tell you to run it fairly and correctly. Do not pervert justice. A poor guy has as much right to a fair trial as a guy who can pass a jingly bag to you under the table. You will not get a "pass" on this kind of wickedness. Bribes turn justice on its head. Nobody sees truth and right when they are dazzled by round, shiny things that go clink.

Also, remember how it was for you those many oppressive years in Egypt. Keep the experience in mind when you deal with people coming into the cushy land that will be yours, people in need of a place to get their lives together. Don't be tempted to take advantage of them; you've been there. Remember?
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 23:10-13

As it is with days, so shall it be with years. For six years, you shall toil by the sweat of your brow, sowing and gathering from your land, but the seventh year you shall let the land rest so that the poor among you shall have at least something to eat, and so that the wild animals may eat what the poor leave behind. And this goes for your orchards and vineyards as well.

And like I said before, and will probably have to say again, you are to work for six days and rest on the seventh day. Not only shall you rest, but your ox and your ass shall rest as well, and your slaves and the aliens among you likewise.

Pay attention to this I say.

And by the way, don't let me catch you mouthing the names of other gods. Let them not be heard on your lips.

[ 11. November 2008, 02:09: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 23:14-17

Now, then: Holidays.

We'll start with three and see how we get on. I'll build them around food, but don't look too gleeful because they are walking holidays and the first one will be on a diet. That one will take place in the month of the green grain, the winter planting time. During this time you must eat bread without yeast, remembering the time you left Egypt. Please remember that no one is to do the walk to me without something to offer.

Next, the Harvest Holiday. On this one you can all stuff your face to your heart's content. It will take place when the first of the harvest is ready.

Finally, when the harvest is all gathered in at the end of the year, you are to have your third holiday.

At these three times, all of the males among The People must appear before The Boss Boss.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 23:18-19

And while you're at it, I don't want to see any yeast in your offerings, and I don't want to see any rancid fat sitting on the altar in the morning. The smell of charred flesh may be pleasing, but the smell of rotting flesh is abominable!

Bring your best first fruits of the ground to the house of the Boss your Boss. It doesn't matter how good they are, be they worth a mite or a fortune, but I want to see your best!

Finally, do not boil a kid in its mother's milk. Killing infant animals in the life-juices of their parents is icky.
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Exodus 23:20-33

"Ho-kay, to specifics! I'm sending an angel ahead of you and he's going to bring you into the land. Don't mess with him. You WILL be sorry if you screw around in your usual way, because my Name is in him, and he will take it mighty personally. (see also Theophanies, Old Testament Appearances of Christ)

"Ahem. If you listen to him and do what I tell you, you'll be in clover. I'll protect you and wipe out your enemies (See: God, Inscrutability of; Difficulty in reconciling with God's love). Yes, all those unpronounceable people who will give lectors fits for the next four thousand years.

"Why? Why, he asks. (rolls eyes) Because you folks are such idiots that the first chance you get, you'll be worshipping their gods, human sacrifices and all. I know you people. So Job One is to break all the idols. Yes, even the artistic ones. YES, even the pornographic ones. Sheesh.

"I'll say it again: Worship the Lord your God, nobody else, and I will bless the socks off of you. You will have plenty of good food and water, you won't be sick, and none of you will have to deal with the heartbreak of infertility. And you won't die young. Plenty of time to enjoy your new land, what?

I'll say it one more time. I'm going to fight for you and scare the bejabbers out of your enemies. Heck, even the hornets will be after them. But I'll take it slowly, because otherwise the lions-and-tigers-and-bears would take over the place. And by the time it's all done, your borders will stretch from the Read Sea to the Mediterranean, and from the desert to the River.

PAY ATTENTION. The people who are in the land right now are NOT your new buddies. Drive them out. Don't make deals with them or take up with their gods. Don't let them continue to live among you, because I know you idiots. If one idol is left in the country you'll certainly all wind up on your knees before it. (See: Humanity, Failure to understand even when smacked upside the head with a Clue Bat; also, Original Sin)
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 24:1-8

Without missing a beat, he said to Moses, “Come up this mountain to IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU.”

“What, on me own?”

“Aaron. You can come up this mountain, too.”

“Who, me? With just him??”

“Very well, bring your first two sons with you – Nadab and Abihu – though no good will come of it.”

[Duet] “What, just the four of us???”

“All right, wake up the 70 wise old men of The People and have them come too. But only Moses is to approach IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU; everyone else can hold their praise conference at a distance. No more haggling – the rest of The People must remain at the bottom of the mountain.”

“Right,” said Moses, “Half a mo then while I off-load on The People everything you've said to date since tablet 20. I might forget otherwise.” So he did.

[Congregational Response in unison] “Everything you have said we will do-oo-oo.”

And then, just in case everyone forgot otherwise, Moses wrote down everything IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU had said.

Early next morning, just as the sun was rising, Moses built an altar at base camp and erected 12 standing stones to represent the 12 tribes of The People, which wasn't bad for a guy pushing 80 years old. No doubt feeling the strain a bit, he delegated the job of doing the actual sacrificing to younger chaps. Several young bulls found themselves on the wrong side of a peace offering. Moses divided the blood into two; half he sprinkled on his bright shiny altar, the other half he collected into bowls.

Next, he took his hot-off-the-press Collected Sayings of IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU and read it all out to The People, who had done well to get up that early.

[Congregational Response in unison] “Everything IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU said, we will do-oo-oo.”

“I CAN'T HEAR YOO-OO-OU” Out came the bowls and, in a move guaranteed to wake a people up anywhere, Moses sprinkled it over them. “Now you are in God's Gang” he said. “You do for him and he'll do for you.”
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Exodus 24:9-11

So Moses, the Big A, Nad & Ab, along with the 70 old guys, went up to catch a glimpse of IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU, who was busy pounding the pavement and maintaining a strict "Hands Off" attitude. And then Moses and the gang sat down and stared at IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU while eating the picnic lunch they had thoughtfully brought with them.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 24:12-18

IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU asked Moses to plod on further up the mountain and bide a wee, while he (IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU) gave him (Moses) stone slabs with the assorted Collected Sayings of IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU inscribed thereon heretofore and therebyunder for the instruction thereof.

So Mo set out with his young apprentice, Joshua, who was whistling a little tune, and went up God's mountain. Moses had told the thoughtfully picnicking wise old men to wait at the mid-point until the two of them came back. “If, forfend, any one of The People ends up squabbling over something, Aaron and Hur, my hand-holders, will sort it out.”

As Moses went up, a cloud covered the mountain: God's glory took up residence on Mount Sinai for six days, by which time the wise old men had finished the canapés and were getting stuck in on the spicy honey and garlic quail.

On the seventh day, IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU called out to Moses from the cloud. The whole phenomenon looked to The People like a bush fire raging through the environs of southern California. As Moses finished climbing the last stages of the mountain climb, he entered that cloud.

He was up there for quite some time, which was bad news for the wise old men, who had polished off the cheese and crackers and were now on short commons.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
After all of this, IAMINVARIOUSTENSESWITHYOU [who decided it was time to get himself a proper house] said to Moses,

Go out to my people Israel, and take up a "freewill offering." From all whose hearts prompt them to give, please collect as much of the following as you can for Me:

• Gold
• Silver
• Bronze
• Blue yarns and linens
• Purple yarns and linens
• Crimson yarns and linens (and none of that burgundy crap!)
• Goats' hair
• Ram leather
• Fine leather*
• Acacia Wood
• Oil (for the lamps)
• Spices (for the anointing oil and the fragrant incense)
• Onyx and other gemstones (to be set in the ephod and the breastplace)

quote:

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When I want something raised, I'll do it myself.

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quote:

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For years afterward, Moses swore that IAIVTWY chuckled after he said that, but Moses could never figure out why.

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[ 19. February 2009, 02:39: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 29:9c-26

“Now I'm going to tell you the process to follow for installing Aaron and his sons. There are three parts to this process. First up, the Offering to Offset Rebellion.

“Take that Bull I told you about to the front of the Meeting Tent. Aaron and his sons are to place their hands on its head there. Slaughter it there – remember that I will be watching all this. Dip your finger in the blood and wipe it on the four altar horns. Was that a grunt you gave then, Moses? Pour the rest of the blood out around the base of the altar. Then dismember it ... What's the matter Moses? You're looking very grey.

“Take all of the fat on the innards, together with the kidneys, and burn them on the altar. The rest has to be taken right outside of the camp and burnt there.

“Now for stage two. Moses?”

“He fainted, Lord” Said Aaron. “Don't worry, I'll take the notes.”

“All right. Stage two: The Offering of Purifying Fire. Take one of the rams; Aaron and his sons are to put their hands on its head.”

“Got it, Lord; we can handle that part. No problem.”

“Kill it, and then...”

“I think I got the next part, Lord,” Said Aaron, as he finished a swift scribble “Ahem: After slaughtering it, Moses is to grab the ram by the neck, and slit its throat from ear to ear, then slice it open from thorax to the abdomen, pulling out the entrails with his hands...”

“Really? I was going to go with a simple burn on the altar job for this one. Still, you may be on to something here. If you think it necessary, then of course, cut the ram up, give it a cleansing, and then burn the lot of it on the altar. It's only the burn I think is required, though; that's all that was going to please me.

“Now for the other ram and stage three. We've dealt with rebellion, we've made the altar ready for this stage, and now we come to you, Aaron.”

“ME? Err...I'm really not that good with the disembowelling thing, Lord. Couldn't we go with something a bit more symbolic? Or perhaps Moses could do something with the second ram – look, he's coming round. Moses! Help me out here brother.”

“Yuuuurrghhh.”

“Here, take the slate and chisel – just write what God says. Go ahead, Lord”

“Why thank you. Take the second ram. Aaron and his sons are to are to put their hands on its head. Kill it. Stay with me, Moses. Take some of the blood and put it on the lobe of the right ears of Aaron and his sons. What was that clunk?

“It's Aaron, Lord,” Said Moses, “He fainted.”

“Oh. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. Put some more of the blood on the thumbs of the right hands of Aaron and his sons and also on the their big toes. It's symbolic – something Aaron wanted – of his whole body. Ah, I see Aaron has rejoined us. Actually, I think we had better play safe. Do a sprinkle job with the blood on the altar and then mix the blood with some of that anointing oil and give Aaron and his sons a good shower. Clothes and all. That should ensure a proper installation.”

Clunk.

“That installation ram; take the fat from it, the kidneys and right thigh. Use the un-yeasted bread to make some cakes and pass the lot over to Aaron and his sons, who will present them to me. Then you will take them back and burn them on the altar as a presentation to me. The breast of the ram, however, will be yours after you present it to me.

“Oooooh! Lovely!” Said Moses, “I'm partial to a bit of breast.”

“It's for Aaron, not you.”

“If he faints, though, could I...?”

“No.”
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 29:26-34

Now, Aaron, are you awake?

Groan.

Good. Now, moving along...

Moses, you shall take the breast of this ram of Aaron's ordination, and elevate it as an elevation offering before me; this will be your portion...

Moses stammered, But I thought you said...

Just this one, Moses. After this one Aaron gets the good bits.

Moses salivated.

...You shall set it aside, along with the thigh...

Moses' stomach growled, as he and Aaron had been standing (when not passed out) at attention for some time.

...that was offered as a gift from the ram of ordination, from the ram that belongs to Aaron and his sons, and those parts from now on shall be due from Israel to Aaron and his descendants.

Aaron, looked up. "For me? You shouldn't..."

For these shall be a gift from the Israelites to the LORD out of their sacrifices of well-being!

"Well, at least we get to eat part of it," Aaron grumbled.

Now, those vestments that I hope your people are working on making...these shall belong to Aaron and shall be passed on to his sons after him. They can wear them upon their anointing and ordination. Whoever among his sons becomes the priest in his stead...

"You mean the one who walks into the Tent of Meeting to officiate within the sanctuary?" asked Aaron.

Yes, that one shall wear these garments for seven days!

Now, getting back to the ram of ordination, I want you to boil its flesh in some previously-consecrated area...

"Wait a minute. You want to boil the ram? Couldn't you make a nice roast out of it or something, with some proper herbs and spices?" pleaded Aaron.

Why would I do such a thing? This is a religious ceremony. It isn't required that the meat actually taste good, just that it be prepared according to My specifications. Besides, if it was cooked well, people might become envious of your position. You wouldn't want to inspire envy, hmm?

Aaron sighed mightily, knowing how future generations of priests would be forced to dine on boiled meat. Moses lightened up, realizing that he wasn't missing out on as much as he thought.

Anyway, Aaron and his sons shall eat this boiled ram's flesh, as well as the bread in the basket, at the entrance of the Tent that hides My Holy I-Box™. They shall be eaten only by those who are ordained and consecrated. They are NOT to be eaten by anyone else! You know what happens when holiness meets less-than-holiness, don't you? People could get crucified over that sort of thing!

On that note, please incinerate any leftovers from the meal. I don't care how hungry the people are, they shall not have any. It just wouldn't be appropriate.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Exodus 29:35-37

IAIVTWY went still further on (which makes sense, when you think about it, because He never has to pause for breath):

"Do everything as I have directed. Consecrate Aaron and the lads for seven days. Each and every day prepare a bull as a sin offering to purify the altar."

"Every day?" asked Moses. "That's a lot of bull."

"I was really hoping that you'd avoid the temptation to say that. But, then, experience with you humans has shown Me that avoiding temptation isn't really something you guys do well. 'Don't eat the apples' I say, and I provide all the blueberries, strawberries, pears, peaches, and whatever else anybody could want and what happens?

"But I digress...

"Use the bull offering to purge the altar of any sin contamination. Annoint the altar and set it apart as holy. Really, really holy. Wholly Holy. Anything that touches the altar becomes holy and should not thereafter leave the sanctuary."

"Wow," murmured Moses. "Remind me to steer clear of that thing, then."

"Steer?" asked Aaron out of the side of his mouth. "Are you trying to make another bull joke?"
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 29:38-46

“Now then, remember I told you to make a bronze-copper altar? Yes I did – it was about a third of the way down this page. Got it? Good. Here's what you are to do with it. Every day, twice a day, The People are to prepare a lamb for that altar: one in the morning and another in the evening. With the morning lamb offer two litres of...Yes, what is it?”

“What's a leetus?” Asked Moses.

“One tenth of an ephah.”

“Oh. One of those.”

“Two litres of fine flour mixed with a quart of...a fourth of a hin...of pressed olive oil and a another fourth hin of wine for a drink offering. Do the same in the evening – it is a smooth taste by fire for IAIVTWY. “This is to be a regular burnt offering at the entrance of the Tent, where IAIVTWY will meet and speak with you. I'll also meet with The People and the whole place will be set apart by my glory.

“So then; all of this is how I am going to ensure the Meeting Tent, altar, and Aaron and his sons as priests are going to be set apart for me. It's a lot, but trust me, you need it. Then I will live with the The People and be the God they need. They will understand that I am I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, their God, who took them out from the most powerful nation in the world just so I could live with them. Make a note of this because I anticipate they will be liable to forget it: I am I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, their God.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 30:1-10

Oh, and you know what else would make this place pleasing to Myself? How about some incense!

Moses and Aaron looked at each other, and wondered if the Almighty had suddenly sprouted dreadlocks.

Yes, incense! You guys can make another altar, right? This one of acacia wood. It should be one cubit long and one cubit wide - You know, like a square! - and two cubits high, with horns that are of one piece with it...

"Gold?" inquired Moses wearily.

Yes, you're catching on! Overlay the whole thing with pure gold, sides and horns included, and make a gold molding for it round about.

Also, be sure to include a gold-ring-and-acacia-pole carrying assembly, as with the previous IThings.

Aaron looked up. "Where do you want us to put this thing?"

The Almighty responded, Hmm...how about in front of the curtain that is over the IBox? Yeah, that'll work, in front of the cover, where I shall meet you. Aaron shall burn aromatic incense (I'm partial to sandalwood). He'll burn it every morning when he tends the lamps, and he shall burn it in the evening when he lights the lamps - A regular incense offering before I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU for all time!

And be sure only to offer domestic incense, none of that wacky alien stuff, you hear? And I don't want to see any food or drink offerings on it either!

Once every year Light-Bringer shall perform a purification ritual upon the horns with blood of the sin offering of purification; this shall be done once a year throughout the ages (just to make sure it doesn't get clogged or something); it is most Holy to IAIVTWY.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 30:11-16

“Woho fish fish fish fish” yodelled Aaron in a mellow baritone from outside their tent.

“O Lord,” piped up Moses, “I've been doing a few calculations and I reckon we are going to be down by a toxic credit crunch or two when we've done assembling your residence and its furnishings.”

“Varoooooooooom kerchup.” Aaron, voice off.

“Fear not.” Said IAIVTWY. “There is a plan. The People are going to face some opposition down the line and there will be a spat or two. You will need to have The People counted, so you will know who is fit for battle.”

“Shoot Me.” Aaron, blundering into the tent, “You know brother...” Attempt to focus his cross-eyes onto the space where his brain thought his brother should be, “You know - - - O Adam. Fish fish fish fish fish fish...”

“What in the name of Me is up with Aaron?” Asked IAIVTWY.

“He's been at the incense, trying out various varieties to see which one would do for the twice daily offering.” Answered Moses. “I think this is the one made from some mushrooms he picked this morning.”

“Purple.” Said Aaron; and gave up the ghost, sliding gracefully down the tent's central pole as his legs voted for the horizontal.

“I see.” IAIVTWY pursed his anthropomorphic lips. “I see I'll have to spell out the ingredients for the incense when Aaron comes round. Somewhere near the end of this chapter, I think would be about right. But back to the issue at hand. Each person counted as being of warrior age is to pay a tax – half a shekel is about right - it will be a ransom to redeem his life, so that he will be safe. The sum is to be fixed to the gold standard and is to be the same for all. Deposit the money with the Meeting Tent so that everything is covered.”

“Fantastic!” Said Moses as he zipped off a few calculations on his abacus, “We'll do a count twice a day and I'll call it the Atonement Tax.”

“Steady on,” said IAIVTWY, “It's only needed once in a while when a fight looks likely.”

“Just had a worrying thought, though.” Thought Moses, out loud, “If a warrior dies in battle, is he entitled to an Atonement Rebate?”

“We'll bridge that cross when we get to it, shall we?”
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Hosting]





[/Hosting]
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Exodus 30:17-21

As the Lord, the One of Many Tenses, glanced at Aaron's horizontal legs, He spoke:

"That reminds me. I want a wash basin installed in here, too, so that Aaron and the lads can wash their hands and feet. Place it between the Meeting Tent and the Altar. Make it of..."

"Gold?" suggested Moses.

"That would be silly. It is just a wash basin, after all. Make it of bronze, with a bronze stand. And put water in it, obviously. Tell Aaron and the boys that whenever they enter the Meeting Tent they have to wash their hands and feet, and whenever they approach the altar to minister with the burning incense, they again have to wash their hands and feet. They must do this so that they do not die--and this rule applies in perpetuity. It is not a one-time thing."

"Ummmm, okay," said Moses hesitantly. "But, You know, You also said You would kill them for wearing the wrong clothes, and now You are going to kill them if they don't remember to wash their hands and feet..."

"Yes?"

"Well, I am just wondering if that might make people somewhat reluctant to, You know, take up the ministry as a vocation."

"Why don't you let Me worry about that. You have enough to do, including writing down My perfumed oil and incense recipes."
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Yes, let's see...

• five hundred weight of congealed myrrh

Moses turned to Aaron. "What's a hin?" "I guess we'll have to find out for ourselves," Aaron replied.

Now, I want you to take all of this and blend it, most expertly, into Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™...

"We're gonna need a freakin' huge mixer," Aaron muttered.

...and I want you to smear, erm, anoint the Tent of the Assembly, the I-Box, the the table an all its utensils, the lampstand and all its accouterments...

Aaron turned to Moses. "What's an accoutrement?" Moses turned to Aaron. "I think it means the stuff that goes with the thingie."

...the altar of the burnt offering and all its utensils, and the washbasin and its stand.

Oh, and while you're at it, smear some on Aaron and his sons as well...

Aaron muttered, "but that means I'll smell like a girl!" Moses smirked.

...and they shall serve me as Priests™!

And while you're at it, prepare a memo for The People™. It shall be as follows:

HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

The Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™ belongs to Me, who is in various tenses with you. This super secret compound shall not be smeared upon anyone, regardless of circumstance, at any time, EVER! Similarly, you are not to make anything that is sufficiently like The Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™ so as to be considered an imitation. No knock offs! It shall be held sacred by you. If anyone dares make cheap knock off Oil of Anointing Holy Stuff™ or smears it on anyone who isn't a designated Priest™ shall be disinherited, exiled, utterly cut off from My People™!
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[tangent] If this is most certainly true, it puts a whole new spin on inerrancy, don't it? [/tangent]
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
This is most certainly true!
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Bullfrog.:
This is most certainly true!

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Well, at least it most certainly was yesterday.

Exodus 31:1-11

Moses surveyed the mass of chiselled stone tablets before him. He had chiselled down his last chisel (presented to him by the Egyptian Tut-Tut-My-Man, pyramid builder to the gentry, upon the occasion of Moses' exodus) to a blunt nose and he hadn't even begun the actual building of all this cultic apparatus.

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had a plan. “Look, Moses,” He said, “You don't have to do the actual building. Leave that to the professionals. I have already chosen God-Shadow, son of Yuri Ben-Hur, in the Praised-Be-Me! tribe, and have overloaded him with my power. He has the nous to do all the chiselly stuff. I've also given royal appointment to his assistant, My-Dad's-A-Tent, son of My-Bro's-A-Supporter, in the Judge tribe. You needn't worry; all the craftsmen will be skilled enough for the job. All they need from you is the instructions I gave you. Don't forget the list: the Meeting Tent, the I-Box with its Mercy Seat, etc. etc. etc., the Table and all of its etcs. etcs. etcs., the natty little numbers that Aaron and the boys will be wearing, and the pouring and smearing smelly stuff.”

“Thanks goodness for that.” Thought Moses and he beamed happily upon the boxes of tablets, now earmarked for someone else. “I think I could do with a rest now.”
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Exodus 31:12-18

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU then went on. Moses face fell- no more chisel. Oh, boy, I'm in trouble now.

"Do you remember the Sabbath day? Do you keep it holy? Keep it holy: forever. This is an important part of the Deal -you know, your Covenant with me. No work on the Sabbath, zip, nada. I didn't work on the Seventh Day. Even I, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, know how to take a break. You don't work on the Seventh Day. Unless you want to rest permanently, six feet under. You are going to be rested and refreshed every week, dammit. I see a lick of work, heads are going to roll! All your descendants are going to rest on the Sabbath, every Sabbath, otherwise they will be cut off from my good graces. And we wouldn't want that, would we?"

Then I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU pulled out two beautifully graven stones, with the most tiny, the most elegant cuneiform Moses had ever seen and handed them to Moses. Moses looked at the two tablets. Then he looked at I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. Then he looked at his mighty pile of rocks and his sad, dull chisel, and began to cry. How'd I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU done that?

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU considered his own finger and smirked.

[ 11. May 2009, 19:09: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 32:1-6

Time had passed since Moses and his entourage had pitched tent up the mountain. It felt that a full 40 days had passed. The dinner was in the dog as far as The People were concerned and they had developed an advanced case of fidgetiteness. Small wonder, then, that when Aaron came down early from the mountain to get some recuperation post-incense, his head had barely touched his pillow when...

“Get up!” called the solemn representatives of the The People who had assembled to present the fidget case. “We have a petition: we've had enough of this mountain wait; we cannot afford to be leaderless like this. If we don't have some direction this whole People will disperse. So, make a god that we can see right here and that will go in front of us. We've no idea what happened to that fellow Moses – as far as we remember that was the name of the chap who led us out of the most powerful nation on earth.”

“Uh oh,” thought Aaron, “I think they want a decision. But I'm a priest in training now, I don't do decisions. Oh Dear. I wonder what Moses would have done? Think, think, think.”

Then a brainwave came to Aaron. Moses was going to need an abundance of gold for God's tent. How about if he...

“OK, People.” Said Aaron. “Here's what you need to do. “Collect all of those fancy gold baubles and bling that your families have been wearing on their ears and bring it all to me.”

Without delay, The People coughed up their gold trinkets. Aaron was frankly astonished, as he had heard that it was the devil's own job getting a congregation to give money to priests. However, having got this far, he couldn't very well back out now. But just what was he going to do with the gold now that he had got it? He hadn't been concentrating fully on all that God had ordered up the mountain, but he was pretty sure there had not been a plan to build an image of God. Just what, exactly, did I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU look like? There had been a cloud on top of the mountain, but he wasn't sure how to make gold look like a cloud. Still, he felt that he had no choice but to try. So he made an engraving tool and modelled the gold into what he hoped was a suitable shape for The People.

“A Young Bull!” Acclaimed The People.

“A Young What??? It's a cloud – although from a certain angle – yes, I can sort of see the shape you mean...”

Aaron meandered around the shape to see what the cloud looked like from other angles. Duck. Fluffy Bunny. Ice-cream cone.

Yes, on balance, Aaron thought, a bull was probably the best option to go for and the one least likely to attract derision from neighbouring nations. Before anyone changed their mind, he knocked up an altar in front of the golden shape and said that the next day would be a dedicated road party for I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. People being People, though, the next day they got up early to do the religious bit and then got down to some serious binging, after which they moved to the next item on the agenda: serious cringing under the influence. They were beginning to take the Mickey out of the whole process.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Exodus 32:7-14

Meanwhile, the One-in-Many-Tenses sighed with exasperation.

"Oh, for My sake! Moses, get right down this mountain fast! Your people whom you brought out of Egypt are being idiots. Already they are breaking the rules and, really, I just gave them to them! If I had used ink, the ink wouldn't even be dry yet! They have made a golden young bull (or ducky or fluffy bunny or, possibly, ice cream cone) and are saying: 'These golden bull, duck, bunny and cone are your gods, O Israel, which brought you out of Egypt.'

"I tell you, I have had enough of these jerks. They just don't listen. Stand aside, Moses, and let me burn them all to cinders and start again."

Moses replied: "My people??!?! Since when are they my people??? They are YOUR people. You brought them out of Egypt. I just went along for the ride! You did everything.

"And as for killing them, the Egyptians will laugh themselves silly! They'll say: 'Oh, their big bad god went through all that trouble to take them away from us just to kill them all in the desert. Why, if he had just waited, we would have been happy to kill them without his having to lift a finger.' I tell You, You are gonna look horribly inefficient.

"And pardon me for noticing the fine print, but didn't You already promise Abe, Isaac and Israel that you would multiply their descendants? Like the stars, You said. And You promised to give them some prime real estate, too. You may be all-powerful, but do You really want to be tied up litigating a breach-of-contract case?"

"Oh, very well. But you go down and let The People know just how ticked I am. Remind them that I have already said I'd kill people for wearing the wrong clothes or not washing--so making a Golden Ducky (or whatever) is waaaaaay over the line."
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 32:15-21

So Moses tuned lickety-split and bolted down the mountain as fast as his feet could safely carry him, lugging the two tablets of The Agreement, inscribed on both sides, one one side and on the other side, tablets uniquely inscribed by the One True God (in various tenses), as he ran.

He approached Joshua, who had been waiting with superhuman patience halfway down, Joshua yelled, "there is a ruckus among us, a cry of war from the camp! Come quickly!"

But Moses answered him, "Indeed, there is a great ruckus among us, but it's not that kind of ruckus!

"It is not the tune of war you hear
nor the dirge of defeated legions,
It is the singing of some celebration!"

As Moses approached the camp and saw the...what the hell was that thing? A duck? A camel? He turned his head sideways and screwed his eyebrows up, and it struck him. It's a freaking calf! My People are worshiping a thing that eats grass and goes Moo! Did they really think a freaking bull led them out of Egypt?

Needless to say, Moses got quite mad. In a blend of pique and almost-liturgical symbolism, he took the God-chiseled Tablets of the Pact and threw them on the ground, shattering them at the foot of the mountain! Then, Hulk-like, he took the entire golden calf and, with a cry of "MOSES SMASH!" burned it. Then he ground it into powder. As if this wasn't enough, he stewed the golden powder and made God's people drink it.

Then he turned to Aaron, still Hulk-like, and shouted, "You fool! What you do make these people do this! ANSWER ME!"
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 32:22-35

“Please, my brother,” grovelled Aaron, “Don't burn like that fire; it really wasn't all my fault. You know how The People have been – they jump at any chance to rebel. They didn't know what had happened to you and wanted me to make a god for them to follow on the road. I thought we could get some good out of this and asked them for their gold. Believe it or not, they actually gave it all to me. I sort of threw it into the fire and out came this... this...”

“Cuckoo?” Said Joshua.

“No,” Piped up one of the entourage, “I'd say it was more like a turkey.”

“Or a giraffe” From the third rank.

“Seriously, I see a dog swallowing a...”

“Cuckoo.” “No, look – that's the neck...”

“Giraffe!” “No, it's a turkey!” “Not from here it isn't, see – if you stand here, bend down a bit, lean to the left...”

“Cloud” Said Aaron, miserably.

“Bull!” Said Moses. “You sounds like a whingeing Adam!” And he stormed off into the middle of The People to sort things out.

“Snake!” Hissed Joshua, as he pushed past the even more miserable Aaron and joined Moses – with one hand on one of his swords, another on his sling, and a knife between his teeth...

There was chaos in the camp of The People. The lack of leadership – especially by Aaron – meant they had become an uncontrollable mess (mostly paralytically prostrate) and this had not gone unnoticed by wags among the less-than-friendly elements in nearby foreign tribes. Although Moses' grasp of Southwestern Semitic languages was a tad rusty, he could tell by the gestures – particularly among that small group on camels passing by over there who were pointing at those of the more catatonic persuasion among The People, howling with laughter and performing hand movements of a universally understandable and anatomically (almost) correct nature.

Moses stomped through the camp from end to end, passing the remains of a pretty interesting party, until he reached the camp's edge. There he watched as the passing camels – who seemed to have an uncanny understanding of the jokes being banded about by their riders and who felt that the said jokes were of the highest order – and he turned to face the The People.

“Enough!” He said. “Listen to me, everybody. Whoever is still loyal to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, come and stand by me.”

There was one tribe of The People, the Joined-Up, that remained sober (and hence awake) and who came over to Moses.

“Good.” Said Moses, “I now have a very important announcement and it comes direct from I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, the God of this People. He says, 'Each of the men are to put on their swords and go through this whole camp, executing those rebels who you had counted to be your fellow-clansmen, your friends and neighbours.' “

The Joined-Up tribesmen did just that and in one day they executed about 3,000 rebels. Moses called them together again and said to them, “You have earned the right to be leaders for I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU. You carried out God's sentence as you were told to do.”

On the next day – formally known as the Day of Headache – Moses began the second stage of the judicial process. He laid the charge of High Treason against the rebels, the sentence for which was well known. Moses said he would bargain with I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU to see if there was any option for reconciliation and mercy.

So Moses did – although regretting that he had made the offer as this meant another plod back up the mountain. Staggering to the top, he caught his breath and made the case. “My Goodness! What treason by The People! They actually went and made a gold...thingamabob. Disgraceful! Still, is there any chance of mercy for them? If it helps, I am prepared to take the blame. Cut short my prospects of continuity down the generations rather than blame them.”

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU made his decision: “Each rebel has to be punished by having their continuity cut short. You, however, must be there to lead this People. They can't cope without a leader. So take them to the destination we talked about. Take notice! One of my representatives will be in front all the way. I will, however, choose the right time and place to execute my punishment on the rebels.”

In due course, that is what happened. I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU sent a nasty disease on the rebels as a punishment for their behaviour when Aaron produced that golden thingamabob.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 33:1-6

Wishing to put the whole "Covenant at Sinai" thing behind him, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU said to Moses:

Go! Leave this place! You and the horse you rode...erm...I mean all the people you brought up out or Egypt! Go to the land that I promised to your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob saying "To your descendants I will give it."! And in case you're worried about security, I will send an angel before you, and I will drive out the Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and the Jenbusites...

Moses scratched his beard. "What if there are other tribes there?"

I beg your pardon?

"I mean...I'm glad you're willing to rid the world of those four tribes, but what if there are other tribes that you didn't tell us about? What if there are, like, Parasites or something?"

Oh, I'll take care of those too! Trust me, for I am I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU!" I'm telling you to go to this land, flowing with with milk and honey. But be warned, I will NOT go amog you, because my purity is just too much for your stiff necks to handle. It would fry you all to a crisp.

Moses shuddered, and delivered the message to The People.

The People, when they heard these words, mourned. They mourned so much that there was not a single adornment on anyone there! That bit I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had said about burning them to a crisp, they really took it to heart. When I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU had said, "So now take off your ornaments, and I will decide what to do to you," well, that really shook them up, and they promptly removed all ornaments from themselves.
 

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Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
And lo, God was tense.


 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 33:7-11

It was indeed a tense moment. Betwixt and between the times. On a cusp. The liminal existence between two episodes of a multi-part dramatisation of The Lord of the Blings. The audience was left with a rapid resonance refrain of radio-phonic raucousness as the camera zoomed into the harrowed features of the hero as he evocatively emitted emotion in the face of feckless foes, then froze, and a dramatic dictation from a deep diaphragm detonated: “Will The People be rescued? What will I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU do with the Bling? How will Moses communicate with I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU in the absence of I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, a cloud and a mountain? Tune in next time to hear the next episode of.....”


“Feck.” Said Moses.

“Pardon?” Said Aaron.

“We need more feck. The People lack purpose and vitality.”

“Oh – feck. Yes. Got it.”

Moses stopped pacing up and down, something he had been doing for a while during this hiatus as I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU pondered his future relationship with His People, and called for Joshua.

“Jo.....”

“Ready to serve, My Master”

“Please don't DO that. Were you behind me all the time?”

“My purpose is to live and serve My Master and Teacher.”

“Well please purpose to give me warning when you are near me. Now, saddle up a mule and cart and put a spare tent and poles in it. We're going on a short journey.”

“O goody, goody!” Clapped Aaron as he grabbed his day pack, containing 3-day rations for a priest in training (surplus surplices, but no secular food...).

They trundled out of the camp to a point somewhere between the camp and the mountain, where Moses unpacked the tent. “Now my young apprentice” he said to Joshua, “We are going to pitch this tent here. It will function as a Meeting Tent, away from the feckless People but not up the mountain. The People will be able to come here when they need guidance and adjudication from I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.”

“Aha. I understand, My Master. Between two poles. It will bring balance to the Force.” And Joshu set out the tent and placed the pegs in the ground ready for driving. Then he picked up one of the biggest mallets Moses had ever seen. Both Moses and Aaron flinched and took several large involuntary steps backwards, as Joshua adopted a stance reminiscent of an ancient martial art named 'Hai-Ya' and swung the mallet at the first peg. “DIE, AMORITE!” Whack.

“Goodness.” Breathed Aaron, “He's awfully keen, isn't he?

“He will have his uses.” Agreed Moses.

And so it was (narrator speaking – diaphragmatic voice) that Moses set the example of going regularly from the camp to the Meeting Tent – deliberately in daylight so The People would watch and hopefully eventually get the point. A cloudy column would come down and cover the communion (help me out, I'm running out of alliteration), while I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU and Moses chatted away. The People would stay at their own tents, learning feck.

Moses would come and go from the camp to the Tent, but his young apprentice, Joshua O'Noon, stood guard over the Tent all the time.
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 33:12-23

Within the smoky confines, after the long months of work, Moses finally let loose, saying to I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU,

Look! For month after month, you have been telling me to "Lead this people forward," "Onward to the Promised Land!" and "Remember the Maine!"

Huh?

OK...not the last bit (where the heck did that come from?), but you've been giving me directions, orders, demands, leading us to the verge of exhaustion and beyond, forcing me to go ten miles past the call of duty! You keep telling me to go forward, but you have yet, even once, to tell me which direction forward is! In addition, You have not sent me anyone who can tell me which way to go! I do not know your ways, and i do not know whom You, in your eternal wisdom, are going to send with me! We are supposed to be your Holy People, right?

And the I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU responded, with typical verbosity: I will go in the lead and I will lighten your burdens.

And Moses responded: You had better! Please, do not force us to go onward alone, but lead us! How else shall anyone recognize us as Your Holy People who have gained Your Holy Favor unless You Yourself go with us? How else are we to be distinguished from every other two-bit proto-ethnicity on the face of the earth?

An I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU responded, tersely: I will do this thing that you have asked, for it is true that you have gained My Holy Favor and that I have singled you out by name.

And Moses cried out in a sudden fit of religious ecstasy, "Oh Lord, let me behold your presence!"

Without batting an eye, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU responded: Very well. I will make all of My Goodness pass before you, shall make My Name known to you, and show you the grace & compassion that I shall show.

But...you shall not see my face, for man shall not see my face and live!

Moses thought about calling for Miriam, but thought better of it.

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU continued, Now, stand in that spot over there, which is near Me. Sit down on that there rock, and as My Presence passes by, I, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, will put you in the cleft of that rock and shield you with My Hand while the Front of Me passes by you. Then, at just the right moment, I will remove My Hand from your eyes and you will see My Backside; but My Face shall not be seen!

Don't blink.

And so, as some of the wiseacres of the camp would have it, Moses got mooned.
 

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Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Exodus 34:1-9

Now I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Moses to chisel out two new slates of stone, just like the ones God had given him up the mountain – the ones Moses had broken.

“You mean like the ones you made and that broke when I put them down?” Asked Moses, “Those rather heavy slabs? Couldn't we just say that the covenant was broken and that we should cut a new one using, say, papyrus?

“Besides,” he continued after a pause, “It was Your People's fault. They broke the faith.”

“And” after another pause, “My chisel is worn down.”

Pause.

“I'll get another.”

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU told Moses to come back up the mountain...

“Oh Bummer. Couldn't we just do this down here? Look – here's a nice piece of rock – ideal, if you ask me, for cutting covenants...”

Pause.

“I'll get me walking rod.”

I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU emphasised the importance of Moses coming alone the whole way. No other human and, indeed, no animal, were to come within spitting distance of the mountain.

“No animal??? but what about my food? How about I bring one of those little lambs-what-haveth-not-a-blemish-thereon that you are partial to with me? No? Some bread? Seeds?

Pause.

So it was that early next morning, Moses heaved a couple of heavy sighs, then heaved a couple of heavy stones (chiselled and strikingly similar to the first pair), and set about tottering up the mountain again. For his pains he was treated to a theophany: I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU came down in a cloud and stood there with him. Just in case Moses thought this a mere cumulonimbus phenomenon, he announced his name: “I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU.” Then he passed in front of Moses and gave his full family name:

“I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU; I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU;
God of sympathy and pity;
Pausing before judging;
Exceedingly loyal and trusty;
Keeping the loyalty safe for everyone forever;
Forgiving disloyalties, treacheries, and rebellions.
Not forgetting to judge the guilty;
Responding to the rebels, even if they live long enough to see their great-grandchildren.”

“Ooh-err” Thought Moses and quickly he fell down. A response was needed sharpish, he felt, to avoid another of those rather embarrassing pauses.

“It may be,” Moses said, “that I am still in your good books. If that is the case, would you, I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU, my master with that rather full name, stay with us and lead us? I'm the first to admit that this People of yours are enough to cause even the most patient master to smash a covenant to the ground, but if you are as patient as you say, would you mind awfully doing a bit of the 'Keeping the loyalty safe for everyone forever' thing?”

And Moses held his breath....
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
{bump}
 

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Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Exodus 34:10-14

And lo! A piece of parchment materialized. Moses picked it up. In the most stylized Hebraic writing either of them had either seen, on the top it read COVENANT

Reading on, Moses recited...
WHEREAS I AM WHAT I AM, WAS WHAT I WAS, AND WILL BE WHAT I WILL BE...

[A] Wonders, such the world has never yet seen shall be worked before THE PEOPLE, so that THE WORLD and SURROUNDING TRIBES may know who THE PEOPLE are and who I-AM-IN-VARIOUS-TENSES-WITH-YOU (hereafter referred to as THE LORD) is.

[B] THE PEOPLE will be mindful of what THE LORD is saying in this document.

[C] The following list of tribes shall be removed from the premises of THE PROMISED LAND (subject to future emendation):

• THE AMORITES

• THE CANAANITES

• THE HITTITES

• THE PERIZZITES

• THE HIVITES

• THE JEBUSITES

• Altars

• Pillars

• Sacred Posts

• Gold: 29 Talents, 730 Shekels

• Silver: 100 talents, 1,775 Shekels (sanctuary weight)*

• Copper: 70 Talents, 2,400 Shekels

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