Ship of Fools: HEAVEN: I am the very model of ...

Thread: HEAVEN: I am the very model of ... Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

I don't know whether this has been done in Heaven before, but I'm picking up a challenge made to Edward Green and others on the Anglo-Catholic thread in Purgatory.

Edward was invited to post some lyrics in Heaven on the topic of the very model of a modern Apostolical.

Sober Preacher's Kid, I think it was, suggested that he was the 'very model of a modern evangelical.'

Here's my attempt at that to get the ball rolling. Come on in. Let's have very models of modern post-evangelicals, liberals and anything else ending in 'al' or similar ...

Here goes:

I am the very model of a modern evangelical,
I'm really quite conservative in matters exegetical,
But compared to all my forebears you'll find me ecumenical
And with post-it notes and PowerPoint contemporaneously technical.
You'll find me very tolerant in what I find heretical
And my attempts at street-talk relevance painfully hysterical,
For 'Jesus is my boyfriend' now and I believe in miracles,
While my self-hypnotic choruses are becoming much less lyrical.
I'm a friend to Roman Catholics now but find that all too physical,
But at least I preach the Gospel still, not like those awful liberals ...

Next?

[ 29. April 2011, 17:50: Message edited by: Firenze ]

Posted by BalddudeCrompond (# 12152) on :

I'm the very model of a modern episcopal
using the '79 prayer book, but raised on the Missal

I firmy believe in the transubstantial
but can begrudgingly accept the consubstantial

Vergers, narthexes, albs and all things high church technical

Make me shriek with delight and wax parenthetical
(though to the piskies my ideas may seem a bit heretical)

that's all I could manage

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

I am the very model of a Chorister so lyrical,
I'm forever making comments in the vestry so satirical,
Of choruses and praise-songs I've already had a bellyful,
When I sing the notes correctly it is really quite a miracle.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I am the very model of a pagan who’s new ageical
My reading of the omens are so very very sageical
I can divine for all events both comical and tragical
For every random tealeaf can be rendered magickal.

I’m very well acquainted with every sort of deity
And party to all mysteries not known to the laity
Of rituals and rites my knowledge quite profuse is
Of what they did in Thessaly and also in Eleusis

I know our mythic history pertaining to King Arthur
And Shuck,Trash or Gallytrot, the supernatural cur
Of every kind of monster in forms diverse and protean
And anomalous occurrences that are so very Fortean

In short, in every matter illogical and sophistical
I am the very model of an illuminated Mystical.

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

Ahem!

I am the very model of a good post-evangelical,
Transitioning from Fowler's III to IV sent me hysterical.
I've allergies to PSA and PDL and miracles
for which my former church of course, did deem me quite heretical.

You'll find me now at Greenbelt
and at seminars so-spiiiritual,
where tea-lights, incense, cups of tea
do make me wax quite lyrical.
With LTQ and ??? [suggestions, please] and matters esoterical
I am the very model of a good post-evangelical.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

[Big Grin]

PSA I know. But PDL? [Confused]

Right here goes with a liberal one. I'll do a Calvinist one next, I think ...

Apologies for not following the stanza pattern of the original G&S.

Ahem ...

I am the very model of a theological liberal
Of 'begats' and genealogies I really am quite cynical,
Of conservative fundagelicals I'm bitingly satirical,
Of academic scholarship you'll find I am the pinnacle,
With Bultmann, Spong and Cupitt I'm truly an original,
The Church has come of age, you know, when I cut the cord umbilical,
To retain a faith in something then is really quite a miracle,
What liturgy is all that's left and sin not aboriginal,
I am the very model of a faithless modern liberal.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

Ok - here we go ...

I am the very model of a Tulip-toting Calvinist
Those false-hope Arminianians get me knickers in a proper twist,
I ingest Calvin's Institutes to thwart each rank Illuminist,
All Penties and all Wesleyans and every canting, false Papist.

I'm very well acquainted with matters eschatological,
You can't beat me in an argument over matters theological,
Because I'm predestined to it and my Election's sound and sure,
No need for confession when I come at last to Death's dark door.

I'm not a mewling Arminian but a sound and solid Puritan,
I'm not an Amyraldian and can say what only Elect men can,
That I knew my eternal destiny and what Dort and the scriptures tell,
That I am bound for glory and the rest of you can rot in Hell.

It really does not matter if I go out nightly and get pissed,
Or beat my wife and mum-in-law for I'm a righteous Calvinist.

Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :

I once thought that I had some faith, I thought I knew a thing or two...
But there are some still trying to convince me the reverse is true:
"There is no God of love above, to shepherd us into his fold,
"Instead, there is a sadist who likes leaving us out in the cold."

If we can't change the Church to match the Weltanschauung of today,
If we can't burn our Bibles and believe just what the critics say,
In short, if we should dare object to what the Zeitgeist now demands,
Now demands,
Now demands...
We'd better just shut up and leave it in their own more worthy hands....

Well, they are neither prophets, nor can they rule us by tyrants' force.
Dictatorship of rel'tivism I can trace right to its source,
Revision of morality, I'm sorry, but I can't endorse...

May I venture to suggest that with themselves they all have intercourse?

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

quote:
May I venture to suggest that with themselves they all have intercourse?

Leetle Masha! [Eek!]

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

[Hot and Hormonal]

And in Lent too ...

Leetle Masha, you shame us all ... [Big Grin]

Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :

Lyda*Rose, I will confess to you a truth that I am sure is true:
I'll offer one plain fact self-evident, I'm sure, to all of you:
This proven fact I'll simply state, whatever joy to you it bring,
I'm not the very model, I assure you all, of anything.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Apologies for not following the stanza pattern of the original G&S.

Wimp.

Actually, why not update the whole thing? What about The Primates of Penzance?

Posted by rufiki (# 11165) on :

For he himself has said it,
and it's greatly to his credit
That he is an Anglican!

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Actually, why not update the whole thing? What about The Primates of Penzance?

Great--now the image of a chimpanzee singing For I am a Pirate King is stuck in my head.

Posted by rufiki (# 11165) on :

Er, I may have got the wrong musical [Hot and Hormonal]

Posted by basso (# 4228) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Actually, why not update the whole thing? What about The Primates of Penzance?
Great--now the image of a chimpanzee singing For I am a Pirate King is stuck in my head.

It made me imagine a chorus line of rocheted Archbishops.

All the drama in the Anglican Communion has clearly gone to my head.

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

Gamaliel. Purposeful driving of the ecclesiological variety. [Big Grin]

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

Brisk vehicular perambulation with an ecclesiological flavour.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

Oh right ... yes, I see ... the Purpose Driven Rick Warren franchise ...

He is the very model of evangelical venture capital.

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

Ssshh! I was trying to be discreet. [Smile]

It is Lent, after all. [Biased]

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

quote:
Originally posted by rufiki:
Er, I may have got the wrong musical .

HMS Pinafore I think. Or, given the context HMS Surplice.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

While we're mixing up musicals, there's always the Civil Partnership Ceremony Song:

For he's going to marry a man (a man!)

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

I am the very model of an Orthodox heretical
I've argued with John Chrysostom on matters exegetical
And certain hagiographies have left me rather skeptical
I worry that the chalice isn't strictly antiseptical

I question if our clergy are quite all we make them out to be
And standing several hours on a Sunday takes it out of me
I ponder whether every streaming icon gushes weepily
And think that making relics out of bones is kinda creepily

He thinks that making relics out of bones is kinda creepily
He thinks that making relics out of bones is kinda creepily
He thinks that making relics out of bones is kinda creepily

Now don't misunderstand me I believe the Nicene Creed a lot
And skeptical about the Incarnation I indeed am not
And I accept the truth of every miracle dominical
And I accept the fasting rules although they seem rabbinical

I think the sayings of the desert fathers make a lot of sense
And I'm so very glad that we have candles and we've got incense
But still in hagiographies and matters exegetical
I am the very model of an Orthodox heretical

Posted by Fineline (# 12143) on :

I don't really know what I am, but I've written this:

I am the very model of a questioner heretical
Full of questions re. the trinity and matters hypothetical
I do not understand all the traditions orthodoxical
And my mind gets rather muddled with all teachings paradoxical

I'm not at all acquainted, too, with matters church-historical
(Which I understand from wiser folks is really quite abhorrical!)
The churches I attend are rather small and not too radical
And my actual attendance tends to be rather sporadical

In short, in matters churchical, historical and exegetical
I am the very model of a muddled-up heretical

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

I am the very model of a proper 'Piscopalian
I'm not a Sydney Anglican™ because I'm not Australian
To me the use of rites that aren't BCP is alien
And (partly 'cos I'm Scottish) I am somewhat Bacchanalian

Though I was born a Baptist, I became a Presbyterian
And when the weather gets too hot, I wish I were Siberian
I like my language Cranmeresque, or at a push, Shakespearean

... hmmm ..."Shakespearean"??? ... Ah!

For Bible versions, "Authorised" must be the sole criterion.

Posted by Fineline (# 12143) on :

I wrote another one - not about me, but about a Congregational church I used to go to (I have no idea how typical this is of Congregational churches in general):

I am the very model of a pious Congregational
Stand up, sing hymns, sit down again - there's nothing too sensational
There's a young lad wants to play the drums, but this is sternly frowned upon
The organ is the sacred instrument this church was founded on

Of trendy modern choruses I really am quite sceptical
But occasional use in family services may be acceptable
I sing such choruses with quiet manner non-fanatical
To avoid turning into a weird and wanton Charismatical

I show respect for God by wearing Marks & Spencer Sunday best
And frown on God's behalf at those all brazen youth so underdressed
I make sure I've read the scripture before Pastor gives his homily
So I can let him know of any error or anomaly

As a woman in the church, to teach or preach would be erroneous
So I stay within my role with manner proud and ceremonious
And all may see my humble role is really quite a crucial one
As I lay out the table cloth, to put the bread and grape juice on

I'm sedate, well-bred and dignified, and some may call me uppity
But the church depends on me to make the quintessential cup o' tea.
I make sure I'm disapproving of all practices sensational
I am the very model of a pious Congregational

Posted by Alfred E. Neuman (# 6855) on :

I'm the very model of a new-age rocketman
Post-apocalyptic synergistic 'lectric tan.
Hooked-up cybernetic, altruistic super-fan
Of every scientific futuristic modern plan.

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Fineline:
I'm sedate, well-bred and dignified, and some may call me uppity
But the church depends on me to make the quintessential cup o' tea.

This, by the way, is an exquisite rhyme.

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

Here are a few starters to be getting on with:

1) I am the very model of a modern New Monastical...

2) I am the very model of a 21st Century Mystical...

3) I am the bearded model of an Emergent oratical (Could combine this with 1) I guess)

Have fun. Busy Monday.

Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :

[tangent] You are all cheering my Monday up hugely - thank you! [Big Grin]

[/tangent]

Posted by Edward Green (# 46) on :

I am really no good at this sort of thing. Tried to follow Ss. Gilbert's meaning.

I am the very model of a modern Apostolical,
I've information pastoral, ecclesial, heretical,
I know the early Fathers, and I quote the Church historical
From Didache to Nicea Two, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters philosophical,
I understand the unions, Miaphysite, Hypostatical,
About the early martyrs I'm teeming with a lot o' news
With many cheerful facts about St. Marcian of Syracuse

I'm very good at Arius and differenting Athanasius;
I know the post nicean doctrine of homoioúsios:
In short, in matters pastoral, ecclesial, heretical,
I am the very model of a modern Apostolical.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

[Big Grin]

Wheee! that wasn't bad at all, Edward. You have a gift.

So does Fineline. The Congregational one was spot-on. And I liked the personal one too.

Well done all. Keep them coming. I'll try and think of a few more ...

Posted by lily pad (# 11456) on :

(Sorry, couldn't figure out an "al" ending.)

I am the very model of a post-modern age youth worker.
I read the Bible, say my prayers and in my basement office hunker.
I play guitar, can lead a study, even fix the photocopier.
I make the teens work wonders - when inclined, they run the dishwasher!

Some days my job description should be changed to show I'm more a busker.
I'm competent on Facebook, Google, blogs and even follow Twitter.
I don't do funerals, weddings - from baptisms, communion, I'm a ducker.
I'm Called by God, though not ordained, it must be said, I'm not a shirker.

The church does not see how we help to ease the path of those who seek her.
My stipend's low, but I know I'm an able intentional lurker.
Most people would not do this job, they saw me, pointed and yelled, "Sucker."
I am the very model of a post-modern age youth worker.

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :

I've tried to stick to the original rhyme scheme and the tendency to torture rhymes to within an inch of their lives. This is all I've got time for now, but I might add some more later.

I am the very model of a liberal non-realist.
I don't believe in miracles and think that angels don't exist,
And much of the Old Testament's so barking it can be dismissed.
I think that Revelation shows that John was either stoned or pissed.
I don't think strange events - the walls of Jericho, or Balaam's Ass,
Or Joseph's multi-coloured coat - were what the Bible frames them as.
I find more sense in Darwin than in Chapter 1 of Genesis,
And don't believe God made the world more waterlogged than Venice is.

I'm very keen on scholarship and interfaith discussion groups.
I don't like hunting heresy or making people jump through hoops.
In short, I like the Golden Rule and wish we all could coexist -
I am the very model of a liberal non-realist.

Posted by Bob Two-Owls (# 9680) on :

I am the very model of an indecisive liberal,
I flip flop and I waver and I cringe at "Jesus is my pal",
I'm always at the temple or the church for a good festival,
I'm just never sure who's in charge sat upon the throne celestial.
sometimes I think it's Buddha when my thoughts turn meditational,
and sometimes Richard Dawkins when my diet is medicational,
at Christmas and at weddings I'll go along with the traditional,
I'm always searching for the new and spiritually nutritional.

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :

I am the very model of a Christian -- New Testamentical.
I've information only if it comes from sola scriptural.
I know the kings of Israel, and I quote it all as factual,
From Genesis to Revelation, with faith that’s non-disputable.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters theological.
I understand baptism, both the real and theoretical.
About acappella music I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about God’s mercy, grace and loving views.
I'm very good at outreach and also being pastoral;
I know the Greek and Hebrew names of beings supernatural.
In short, in matters highly sola scriptural,
I am the very model of a Christian – New Testamentical!

Posted by Enigma (# 16158) on :

I think that you are all completely absolutely brilliant.
Describing as you do the things that make your lives resilient.
Your faith is quite commendable, to some uncomprehensible.
But I believe, with you, that this is right - a
truth omniscient.
[Overused]

Posted by Gracious rebel (# 3523) on :

quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
I find more sense in Darwin than in Chapter 1 of Genesis,
And don't believe God made the world more waterlogged than Venice is.

...just wanted to say this is such a brilliant use of rhythm and rhyme!
[Overused]

Posted by Hawk (# 14289) on :

I am the very model of a YECcie evangelical,
I know that all the scientists are horribly heretical,
I hate all modern scholarship and anything that’s liberal,
I don’t understand and misrepresent all that’s academical,
I read all the fundie websites, AnswersInGenesis is scriptural,
And I eagerly call true anything they say is ‘possible’,
Compared to all the evidence their conjectures are more acceptable.
I read everything in Genesis as obviously literal,
Except the bits that aren’t – though they certainly aren’t mythical,
And there’s nothing in the scriptures that’s at all metaphorical,
As long as you don’t ask how the 'gates of heaven' can be actual!
‘God did it’, is my answer for anything implausible,
Anything that can’t have happened, must’ve been because it’s magical,
My faith is strong and rigid, based on what’s absolutely fundamental,
Such as dinosaurs sailing in a boat and a flood that’s catastrophical,
Which somehow made the mountains, then rewrote all laws physical,
A vengeful God, a lying earth, and denying all that’s evolutional,
That is my religion, and to all my friends I preach that gospel,
I am the very model of a YECcie evangelical.

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

[Big Grin]

These are all good. Keep 'em coming.

Posted by Enigma (# 16158) on :

I know I'm not tremendous in the journey of the lyrical
But I believe that sometimes we can be far more satirical
We know not what is going on
But here is a cue for a song
---- can't do the next bit -- help!!

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Enigma:
I know I'm not tremendous in the journey of the lyrical
But I believe that sometimes we can be far more satirical
We know not what is going on
But here is a cue for a song
---- can't do the next bit -- help!!

.I am the very model of an apophatic mystical.
[Big Grin]

Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Miffy:

quote:
Originally posted by Enigma:
I know I'm not tremendous in the journey of the lyrical
But I believe that sometimes we can be far more satirical
We know not what is going on
But here is a cue for a song
---- can't do the next bit -- help!!
.I am the very model of an apophatic mystical.

You don't say.

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:

quote:
Originally posted by Miffy:

quote:
Originally posted by Enigma:
I know I'm not tremendous in the journey of the lyrical
But I believe that sometimes we can be far more satirical
We know not what is going on
But here is a cue for a song
---- can't do the next bit -- help!!
.I am the very model of an apophatic mystical.

You don't say.

Ermmm...Ah yes, of course! [Hot and Hormonal]

Never mind. I'm sure a bit of Willing Suspension of Disbelief is in order.

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