quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ariston, you big old horndog you. Any excuse, right?

You're very, very naughty, and I feel if you are going to be punished, it's up to me to do it right.

Beg me for mercy.

BEG, I said.

---

If I beg for mercy, will you actually give it to me? But why would I want that? It means you'd go away, no?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(gulp of liquid courage, applies game face)

Baby, I have only just BEGUN. I'm gonna SAVOR this.

But don't think I've forgotten about YOU, Cthulhu. Bring your magic fingers face over here and let's negotiate.

[ 12. February 2013, 04:04: Message buggered about with by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Oooooh.... Tentacly face. Has so much potential... Oh my...
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm sayin'
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
You two are getting entirely too much milage out of that image.
 

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Posted by Amazing Grace (# 95) on :
 
Hey, I thought the "TT&T" in the title was "Tentacles, Tits, and Testicles".
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 


Ariston-- with that much face action going on, he probably is one of the rare-- entities that can actually satisfy more than one woman at once.

But the fleeting pleasure squidface can provide simply does not compare with the sweet, tender relationship one has with their ball-gagged slave.So,where were we? Ah, yes. You were begging.

[ 12. February 2013, 05:00: Message buggered about with by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Again, you need to explain why I should beg. The more I beg, the less you'll need to do to extract anything from me.

Where's the fun in that for you?
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
So, how is your little triangle working when Kelly is two of them? Are you going to add Smarty Pants for an imaginary foursome? Not much of a fun time, it would seem. But that is as per usual for the two of you.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...

...

See, I actually really suck at this so hard.

...
...

(Yeah, I see what I did there, I'm just leaving it.)

 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 

Please make it at least the tiniest bit challenging.

Tease.
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Well, Smarty and Cthulu and Kelly and you and me with the video camera . . .

Yeah, sounds good to me. We've got the bronies, tentacle, Rule 34, and furry crowds covered.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh good, you're here.

You and Ariston gotta coach me in this, becasue I really am h0peless. So:

1. So. Ariston, if you were me, what exactly would you tell me to do to you?

Specifically?

In detail?

2. Oh, and lilbuddha (don't know why this crossed my mind) if by some weird chance you were a bystander in this little scenario, what would you do? I mean, contribute? I mean, suggest?

[ 12. February 2013, 06:38: Message buggered about with by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Me? I am pure as the driven snow. What would I know of such things?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, pull the other one.

(Pull it hard.)
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
I think that's my line, thankyouverymuch!
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
But then, Ariston, you would be done for the day.
 

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Posted by Cthulhu (# 16186) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
But don't think I've forgotten about YOU, Cthulhu. Bring your magic fingers face over here and let's negotiate.

---

I AM FLATTERED AT YOUR ATTENTION, BUT I FEAR WE ARE RELATED
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(looks at both avatars)

Dear God, I never noticed the resemblance.


We almost had Greek Tragedy on our hands.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
amateur
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh yeah? Show us how it's done.

Pro.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
I do not have ****ly powers to muck about, with.


BTW, despite common misuse, professional means getting paid. The word eluding you (in so many ways) is competent.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
No need to unleash the scissorhands.

Anyway, to soothe my disappointment over the unavailability of Cthulhu, we need to get Pyx_e into this party. Because this post made me decide long ago that I must have him.

And yes, [female confidant name removed], I am willing to share.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Actually, perhaps we should use this thread for more educational purposes. For instance: Penn Gillette once stated, it takes men about 7 minutes to achieve orgasm, and women about 15. This, he said, proves God does not exist.

My take is that, obviously the amount of dedication and devotion it takes to create a female orgasm ( both from the partner and the woman herself) suggests to me that it is a spiritual journey God wants us to meditate upon. Lengthily.

Discuss.
 

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Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Well I can tell you the secret of the female orgasm - but I Mary Roach does it better.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
omg BEST.BOOK. EVER.

Mary Roach is in my top five "notable women I wish were my best friend" list.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Hmmmm. We do not quite share the same spiritual journey, but I am game for the conversation.
I feel the main problem is that, for the male, the timer engages upon waking. And, though the 15 minute figure might be a minimum for the female, the fun is attempting to extend it.
Given the internal philosophies seem to move in opposite directions, I am not certain the male and female paths can do other than intersect. ( As brief and spasmodic* as that intersection might be.)


*Triangle not necessarily representative, but the expressions and movements.....

ETA: That is not a fair representation. Some men have a slightly better sense of fashion.

[ 12. February 2013, 18:31: Message buggered about with by: lilBuddha ]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
N0pe. i got the answer to it all. Aren't you glad I am here?

1. Women need to masturbate in order to learn the most effective routes to their personal orgasm. And then speak the hell up.

2. Men need to masturbate in order to train themselves to prolong orgasm. And then they need to ask women some damn questions.

So basically, I am saying that the entire spiritual cosmos revolves around the female orgasm and masturbation. And having some simple goddamn conversations.

Ponder this: Traditional Judaic ... tradition teaches that a female orgasm ensures a male heir. I know, it's biological hogwash, but that's one hell of a tradition in a supposedly patriarchal world. And a tradition fostered by God's Chosen People, no less.

(for the very first time since yesterday, I am wondering what kind of P0pe I'd make...)

[ 12. February 2013, 18:45: Message buggered about with by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Ariston and Kelly should get themselves a room...

.


.


.


.


.

plus a video camera and a YouTube account.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
I've already described the result of that. Are you certain you wish to see the video?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, that was epic.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Good to be recognized. Attenborough receives international recognition for running programmes everyone else has covered. I describe a nearly unknown ritual and go largely unnoticed.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On that note, I want to return to the OP and point out that this is the kind of thing Ariston was referring to as "shameless flirting", which leads me to wonder what an interesting little kayak journey it would be down the Limpopo River of his mind.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
takes the softball and.....

And here we are, sailing down the Limpopo River of Ariston's mind. The great grey-green,(and red and yellow and blue) greasy paint Limpopo River, all set about with candyfloss-trees. The sky of this strange land is lit, not by the sun, but by a comet. Which the Aristons both worship and fear. Herds of rabbits, striking come-hither poses, wander the shores of the left bank. On the other, even lefter bank, wander the Aristons. Colourful creatures, their green and red and yellow colouring clashes with the tiny, purple bicycles which they ride frenetically back and forth across the landscape.
Aristons generally divide their time between spouting bad poetry and gazing longingly across the waters towards the rabbits. They will occasionally gather at the edge of the river, contemplating a crossing. However, despite the water being extremely shallow and narrow and the presence of many bridges, the Aristons rarely manage to work out the crossing. Because of this impediment to mating, this species is considered endangered. There are, however, no conservation plans as no one much cares.
The Aristons also appear to have a strange fixation with appliances, and the occasional refrigerator or boiler can be seen dotting the banks. What the Aristons do here, is better left undocumented.
At this point, we push the throttle forward to the escape of the ocean, as too much time wandering these shores threatens sanity. This is lilBuddha, signing off.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
... Not touching that one with a ten-foot appliance.
 

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Posted by Smarty Pants (# 17561) on :
 
im not entirely comfortable with being in a tryst with that facesucking beast. discord the draconequus was bad enough. no elder gods please.
 

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Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
I'm just gonna throw this out there as I am actually sad and lonely....

quote:

---

Intelligent, lovely alien who is very good with his hands seeks busty intelligent nymphomaniac for lifelong involvement...

Call now for an Out of This World Experience™

---

(Gorgeous)Alienfromzog
 

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Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by alienfromzog:
Intelligent, lovely alien who is very good with his hands seeks busty intelligent nymphomaniac for lifelong involvement...

---

tell me more tell me more....

do you have some strategically well-placed tentacles? just 'cause.. you know... curious.

from one interstellar traveler to another...
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Those green antenae look...useful. Are they prehensile?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Prehensile is popular around here.

And you know, Lyda? You're right.
 

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Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by comet:

quote:

---

Originally posted by alienfromzog:
Intelligent, lovely alien who is very good with his hands seeks busty intelligent nymphomaniac for lifelong involvement...

---

tell me more tell me more....

do you have some strategically well-placed tentacles? just 'cause.. you know... curious.

from one interstellar traveler to another...

---

Well, let me do the unthinkable on this thread and be subtle...

I do a lot of woodwork - about a third of the furniture in my house was lovingly created with these fair hands and well, oh yeah, I'm a surgeon...

Kelly: Yes, of course.

Basically guys, I've never had any complaints...



AFZ
 

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Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I do love a man who can handle his wood well...

wink wink nudge nudge...


(um, seriously. I love woodwork. I used to carve masks. we should exchange photos. of our work. )
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Now that Cthulhu is no longer available, there's always the sea slug. I'm sure there could be times when such a function might be useful.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Wonder if that was the inspiration for this.

Not really work safe.
 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 
I used to think I was good in bed, however it seems all my girlfriends just had asthma.

I must bow out. My idea of foreplay is "Oh don't touch that ............. ungh ........ too late."

[ 14. February 2013, 18:27: Message edited by: Pyx_e ]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
No prob, I just wanted you to see that.

Although I will add that I do, in fact, have asthma, and therefore can serve as an excellent source of male ego enhancement. (JediJudy! Holla! High-five, my albuterol-sucking sister!)
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Those green antenae look...useful. Are they prehensile?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Can he breathe through them?

---

...

...




Ah! I get it! A snorkel! (Hmmm, interesting idea...)
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
N0pe. i got the answer to it all. Aren't you glad I am here?

1. Women need to masturbate in order to learn the most effective routes to their personal orgasm. And then speak the hell up.

2. Men need to masturbate in order to train themselves to prolong orgasm. And then they need to ask women some damn questions.

So basically, I am saying that the entire spiritual cosmos revolves around the female orgasm and masturbation. And having some simple goddamn conversations.

Ponder this: Traditional Judaic ... tradition teaches that a female orgasm ensures a male heir. I know, it's biological hogwash, but that's one hell of a tradition in a supposedly patriarchal world. And a tradition fostered by God's Chosen People, no less.

(for the very first time since yesterday, I am wondering what kind of Pope I'd make...)

---

quote:

---

So here's one more helpful thing you may not know that might help: The clitoris never ages. Once it matures, it maintains its sexual peak for the rest of a woman's life. So, if you aren't on good terms with the clit in your life, it isn't too late to start getting acquainted.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by comet:
(um, seriously. I love woodwork. I used to carve masks. we should exchange photos. of our work. )

---

I think we might be in danger of a Heaven thread here but...

Link



AFZ
 

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Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
Oh, and yes, I can breathe through them...

AFZ
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Affecting air of nonchalance)

Interesting. On that note, what do you make of this, theologically?

quote:

---

So basically, I am saying that the entire spiritual cosmos revolves around the female orgasm and masturbation.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(JediJudy! Holla! High-five, my albuterol-sucking sister!)

---

Yeah, Kelly! Or, should that be Yyyeeeaaaahhh,,,,Kkkkkeeellllllllyyyy. Still have the albuterol shakes after a nebulizer treatment yesterday.

The shaking should be useful, right?

No quarters.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Exactly what I was thinking !
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
You know, the only reason why nobody's shut this place down is probably because IF and Pengu won't come near, and I keep the brain bleach handy.

And, well, vain hope that lB might give me the time of day, since Cthulhu's unavailable.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
lB? I'd thought loquacious Beachcomber got 'imself the boot.
 

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Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
During the kids' bit of Sunday's service, we had "If I were a butterfly" And when we got to the lines "If I were an octopus, I'd thank the Lord for my good looks" and did the tentacle-waving action, I thought of this thread and choked.

I hate you all.
 

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Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by North East Quine:
During the kids' bit of Sunday's service, we had "If I were a butterfly" And when we got to the lines "If I were an octopus, I'd thank the Lord for my good looks" and did the tentacle-waving action, I thought of this thread and choked.

I hate you all.

---

Oi! Who you calling an octopus??!!!



AFZ
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I myself feel a measure of pride that we corrupted the Butterfly Song. Fine work, you all. It is an honor to serve with you.
 

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