Ship of Fools: What the hell do you want?

Thread: What the hell do you want? Board: Hell / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Why in the fuck do people insist on telling me their alarming symptoms and then refuse to see a doctor or take so much as a bloody aspirin? I'm not God, I can't cure with the wave of a hand, and it only leaves me to sit up all night worrying. Or evolving creative ways of murdering said individual, should they survive the night.

I could chew steel and spit nails right now.

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Why in the fuck do people insist on telling me their alarming symptoms?

Anyone in particular, or should we draw names out of a hat? A close friend? Family member? Total stranger? Client? Enquiring minds want to know!

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

I'm attempting to be vague. Because I will probably calm down at some point, though right now I could pulverize this individual and save myself the worry.

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

LC--

Sometimes, people just want to be heard, without any attempts at problem-solving. It can be really, really hard to figure out what they want. Asking, gently, what they want from you (simple support, cursing the problem on their behalf, brainstorming) sometimes helps. Sorry you're going through that, and good luck.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

X reported symptoms tonight suggestive of deep vein thrombosis; in the past X has come to me with concerns about possible stroke several times. Yet X refuses to even take a fucking aspirin which is first aid for the kinds of strokes X is most likely to experience. Furthermore, X gets on their fucking high horse and says "You know I don't believe in drugs." Fuck no, you only take about five pills daily, and I am intimately acquainted with them by virtue of facilitating your medical care for yonks.

ETA: Asked what the hell they wanted, X said "I just wanted to know if this looked swollen to you," added a lot of gratuitous* information about radiating pain, and indignantly rebuffed any suggestion that it might be due to unusual exercise 36 hours ago. Apparently X wishes to be thought at serious risk, but refuses to have action taken on that perception.

[ 02. June 2017, 04:48: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

"Okay. Thanks for sharing. Night."

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Can I punch their lights out? Please, please, pretty please?

Posted by mr cheesy (# 3330) on :

Please don't come and visit South Wales and stand on a bus-stop. You'd be very welcome, but I don't think you'd like it.

Here it is very common for random people to launch into long explanations of their health ailments. The other day someone was telling me all about their vision problems, their children, their grandchildren (and how they've miraculously passed a driving test despite having x health complaint) and their neighbour.

I've never experienced anything like it, and I thought I'd been to quite a few different places around this country and the world. It is like nobody has any inhibitions about their own health and think that other people are rude if they don't want to engage with them.

The best policy seems to be to nod, make small "I'm listening" noises and hope that the bus arrives soon. Once one is on the bus, it seems that the obligation to talk is broken and one can sit elsewhere without offense.

Posted by ThunderBunk (# 15579) on :

I have a friend who hails from Swansea and is the epitome of what you are describing, to the point where I have to be feeling either very strong or very deaf to engage him in conversation.

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

I have a friend who is obsessed at the moment with constipation and who is also convinced he has incipient Alzheimer's (he doesn't).

My point upthread is that it may make a difference who the complainer is. Family member or good friend -- perhaps he is desperately reaching out, or perhaps he is just making an ass (literally, in the case of my friend's constipation) of himself.

Total stranger -- you are under no obligation to listen.

In any case, perhaps humor is the best approach. I can say to my friend, "I always knew you were full of shit; now I know it for a fact!" or "I'm surprised you can remember what a bowel movement is, let alone remember how to have one, given your condition."

In the case of a stranger, you can say, "That's nice. Now if you'll pardon me, I'm busy telecommunicating with Cook about tonight's supper."

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

Perhaps they don't have anything else to talk about. If vision issues make a book impossible, you could get them an e-reader?

Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
X reported symptoms tonight suggestive of deep vein thrombosis; in the past X has come to me with concerns about possible stroke several times. Yet X refuses to even take a fucking aspirin which is first aid for the kinds of strokes X is most likely to experience. Furthermore, X gets on their fucking high horse and says "You know I don't believe in drugs." Fuck no, you only take about five pills daily, and I am intimately acquainted with them by virtue of facilitating your medical care for yonks.

ETA: Asked what the hell they wanted, X said "I just wanted to know if this looked swollen to you," added a lot of gratuitous* information about radiating pain, and indignantly rebuffed any suggestion that it might be due to unusual exercise 36 hours ago. Apparently X wishes to be thought at serious risk, but refuses to have action taken on that perception.

Yes it looks swollen. Are you going to anything about it or is our work done here? Would you like some tea now?

X sounds perfect normal to me. They want to be fussed over but nothing that involves doctors or practical stuff that might actually make a difference.

Tubbs

Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :

Having had my mother and father travel here (9k miles), have an obvious stroke which was emergency treated, then refused all follow-up (MRI, drugs, medical stabilization etc), change plane tickets and return home to Mexico, then have a second stroke, fall, break her hip and die, I may be able to understand a bit of this. Anger and grief together are bloody difficult. So may be mothers. If she hadn't died I might have throttled her. Emergency treatment for stroke may be too good because it allows denial.

Posted by mr cheesy (# 3330) on :

quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
If she hadn't died I might have throttled her. Emergency treatment for stroke may be too good because it allows denial.

sigh. this could easily be my mother.
[Paranoid]

Posted by sabine (# 3861) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Why in the fuck do people insist on telling me their alarming symptoms and then refuse to see a doctor or take so much as a bloody aspirin? I'm not God, I can't cure with the wave of a hand.....

You've just described the life of a social worker.

After 3 conversations max, saying "I'm so sorry, it must be very scary and difficult for you" can become like a mantra. Another mantra (used only inwardly) is "ive done all I can, take now it God, PLEASE, goodnight."

The irritation you feel is real. If there is no caring, there is no need to deal with emotional aftermath. But even those of us who are paid to find solutions aren't paid to stay up at night. The trick is to get the situation out of your (universal your) head when it's not productive to be there.

Hope this isn't a relative (not asking) because that does complicate things.

Also hope I didn't sound too directive. Good luck.

sabine

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
They want to be fussed over but nothing that involves doctors or practical stuff that might actually make a difference.

Tubbs

Ding ding ding! This is the correct answer.

And yes, it's a bloody relative (I have lots, so this won't narrow it down too much) and so I can't use most of the tactics I'd use on a random person from the community. And the staying up at night is an involuntary reaction secondary to wondering if a relative is about to kick the bucket on my watch (and one I am rather fond of, when they are not being a -- you fill in the blank).

[ 02. June 2017, 17:14: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

And Sabine, you are entirely correct and the directive thing doesn't matter a jot. (Wanna come administer some "social work" to this individual?) [Devil]

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :

There does seem to be a trait in the human psyche for -- Help me, help me, help me.........fuck off I don't want your help .
Something I tried to good effect once was 'Oh really? Then why not come to our healing and prayer group next week , they'll fix your ache in no time! '

Never heard another word on the matter .

Posted by sabine (# 3861) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
And Sabine, you are entirely correct and the directive thing doesn't matter a jot. (Wanna come administer some "social work" to this individual?)

Toward the end of the initial 50 minute session, I would make a phone referral to a clinic, make a note of the appointment time, and pass it to this person with a sympathetic squeeze of the hand. I would give assurances that while it may be scary to see the doctor, only medical professionals can truly address the issues.

Repeat for more than one individual per week.

Oh, and there is a reason social workers go out for drinks at the end of the day on Fridays (or Thursdays or Wednesdays).

It's not that we don't care, but sometimes boundary maintenance is stressful.

sabine

[ 02. June 2017, 19:22: Message edited by: sabine ]

Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :

mr cheesy, in Wales, has described the usual scenario at The Bus Stop here in Kent.

I'm OK with chatting to The Glums about their health problems (I can usually gain points by talking in great detail about my brain tumour, and its removal), but once they start getting racist (common round here - 'Why don't They send all them bloody foreigners back home, and give Us back Our Country?'), I walk away.

I know one old chap (he travels frequently on The Bus) who just needs someone to talk at - his wife died last year, so he's lonely. He doesn't need help, just a sympathetic ear, which I'm happy to provide.

BTW, the main Bus Stop in town has a regular daily service to Slovakia , so one often sees those horrible, brown, foreign people going Home...I usually say to them dobrá cesta (good journey).

IJ

Posted by Dark Knight (# 9415) on :

quote:
Originally posted by mr cheesy:
Please don't come and visit South Wales and stand on a bus-stop. You'd be very welcome, but I don't think you'd like it.

Here it is very common for random people to launch into long explanations of their health ailments. The other day someone was telling me all about their vision problems, their children, their grandchildren (and how they've miraculously passed a driving test despite having x health complaint) and their neighbour.

I've never experienced anything like it, and I thought I'd been to quite a few different places around this country and the world. It is like nobody has any inhibitions about their own health and think that other people are rude if they don't want to engage with them.

The best policy seems to be to nod, make small "I'm listening" noises and hope that the bus arrives soon. Once one is on the bus, it seems that the obligation to talk is broken and one can sit elsewhere without offense.

A stern countenance, together with music playing through earphones, generally do the trick.
Although I've never been to Wales, so maybe it's not enough there.

Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :

I don't possess musical earphones (Engines Of Satan that they be), but I do possess a countenance of stern and melancholy aspect.

Doesn't seem to work on The Glums, though.

[Disappointed]

Posted by sabine (# 3861) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:

And the staying up at night is an involuntary reaction secondary to wondering if a relative is about to kick the bucket on my watch

I've been where you are. Sometimes being related results in having absolutely no credibility in the eyes of the person we wish to help. In such cases--all too plentiful with my parents--I invited a person they liked (a nurse) to drop in for a visit. The same suggestion from her mouth as from mine was heeded.

Hoping for the best (and for rest for you, LC).

sabine

Posted by Gamaliel (# 812) on :

@mr cheesy, (who will understand) 'Oh, the hiraeth!'

I grew up in South Wales and although I've encountered the sort of thing mr cheesy describes to a lesser extent elsewhere - and it's interesting to hear that it can happen in Kent too - I've never seen it to the same extent.

There's a Welsh fella who lives round the corner from me here in Cheshire. The other day he treated me to a blow by blow account of his prostrate cancer and successful treatment in gleeful detail. I could have performed the operation myself had I not switched off after a while to prevent permanent brain damage ...

Meanwhile, here is a solution for Lamb Chopped.

Suggest suppositories. Offer to administer them. Large ones.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Ew. Have a little compassion. On Lamb Chopped.

Posted by romanesque (# 18785) on :

On the other hand... I used to live in a very rural community. Sitting in the doctor's waiting room one evening for an asthma check up, a chap walks in. Lithe, late-50s, weather beaten, checked shirt, almost certainly a farmer. He goes to the receptionist and asks for an appointment. At this point I can see what appears to be his hand hanging from about one third the normal amount of wrist in a tea towel.

She says she's not sure, he's quite composed. Was he a member of this surgery? Yes. When did he last visit? Thinks.. 1971. She goes to look for records but can't find him. What is it about, is it an emergency? He holds his arm up and all hell breaks loose. Farmers, innit?

Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :

It is hard to maintain empathy people you know and are supposed to love, let alone to develop it for strangers or strange people with whom you're acquainted. Sometimes the communication is about loneliness I think, and fear, and they are not seeking direction or advice. But we're talking of different cases in different situations.

When I was a therapy dog hospital, and long term care visitor, it was very clear that many were dealing with the legacy of bad decisions to not follow medical advice or to have not sought it. I started this after my mother died, and it gave me understanding of the sorrow and loneliness in a different way. I think people have regrets sometimes about being just who they are and how this plays out in their lives. They don't state it directly though. (Sorry if I'm rambling on in Hell of all places.)

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Can I punch their lights out? Please, please, pretty please?

That would make their symptoms worse.

So yes, go for it.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Well, X isn't dead yet.

I hope I get brownie points for not altering that state of affairs.

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

LC--

Heck, I think you deserve *Girl Scout* points! [Biased]

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