Thread: Scene 4: Meet Mary and Joseph Board: Nativity Play / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
Through The Keyhole, Nazareth Edition

Meanwhile, back at the carpenter's shop... Mary and Joseph are having a 'little chat.'

Tum-te-tum-te-tum-te tum...Ooops! Wrong programme
 

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Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Now Mary's had the time to muse
On telling Joseph her great news.

Betrothéd though the couple are
They've never let things go 'too far'.

But if she's going to have a child
I think that he might go quite wild.

Perhaps he'll curse and rage and shout
And throw the lowly maiden out.

Will he be kindly or just mean?
It's nearly time for that dread scene.

But before we get that far
We've got a treat that's most bizarre

The virgin Mary may be late
(We think she's gone out on a date).

So while we wait for her to show
Some DIY from Mary's beau.

An extra treat for us to see
Joseph teaches carpentry

Here's a thing that's most sublime
Joseph shows us his "Tool Time."
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*cheesy d-i-y programme music, probably involving unconvincing synthesiser saxophones...*
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oy! Excuse me!! I know this scene is supposed to be 'Through the Keyhole' but can't a poor virgin have a bit of privacy while she's in the bath? I've had a trying few days just lately, I need to luxuriate in the bubbles without a peeping tom with a camera peering at me through the bathroom keyhole. I will be there when I am ready and not before... after all, if I have to break the news of the twins to Joseph, I want to look my best. You'll just have to carry on without me for a minute or two.
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 enters stage left, smells something interesting and begins to explore stage area.]

Baaaaaaa.

[Comes to door, nudges it open, and surprises BMV in her bath.]
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Takes a bow.

Hi there, kids! While we wait for my Blessed wife to get her act together, I'm going to teach you some fun tricks of the trade.

So... errr... let's see now.

Stares into stagelight.

Ummmm...

Turns to prompt.

Err...

I know! Let's make a table! Now, for this, you'll be wanting a 4x4 cubit piece of ply, and some tools. Personally, I prefer the Black & Decker 893-a Buzzsaw, but use your imagination! If you're anything like me, you'll get a buzz out of choosing your own saw!

Canned laughter.

Errr... quite.
 

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Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Sotto voce>

Not the sheep again.

Can't Joseph construct a barbecue or something?
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*boom - tish!*
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Right. Well, that's the table done. Hope you were all paying attention. Now I've got a letter here from Mrs Jones of Damascus asking how she can go about making a wooden boy. That's an excellent question, Mrs Jones.

First of all, you'll need some sturdy mahogany, like this... then, take your hammer, like so... and start hammering the wood into shape... now, hammer in some nails... uh-huh... uh-huh... there we go.

Now just apply some paint...

And... oh my God... it's moving...
 

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Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Sotto voce>

Combining a buzz-saw with some sheep - now there's an idea.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Now, moving wooden boys are a problem we carpenters encounter frequently. Personally, I would recommend use of a vice and buzzsaw combo to deal with such an eventuality.

What's that, wooden boy? You wish you were a real boy? How nice. Sadly, we don't have time for that particular scenario on this week's tooltime, so you'll have to make do with experiencing rapid mahogany .

Starts up buzzsaw. Will anyone manage to save Pinocchio before Joseph sheds his sap?
 

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Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*stable cat wanders over to bvm in bathtub, leaps onto the edge of the tub, and pats delicatly at a soap bubble*

mrrrrt?
 

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Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<By Jimminy Cricket - He's making Pinocchio>
 

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Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Nah dust the wooden boy.

Can you make me wardrobe to keep my spare set of armour in Joe?

And are you the Middle Eastern equivalent of Bob the Builder?
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*edge-of-your-seat strings...*
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Ahem... RAPID MAHOGANY DEATH.

Unless someone intervenes, of course...
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3, soothed by the purring of Stable Cat, settles down on a pile of blue stuff, and begins contentedly chewing her cud.]
 

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Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Rudolph wanders into Joseph's shop, looks in horrow as he waves a buzz-saw above this wooden boy he's created.

Ruldolph's nose glows, looks up at Joseph sadly.

Rudolph hands Joseph a WWJD bracelet.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
WWJD? As in, "What Would Joseph Do?" Hmmm...

Well, that's that particular slot of the show resolved. Don't worry about the screams; they don't really feel anything. Anyway, Mrs Jones, hope that was useful.

Oh, look who it is - it's our old friend Evil Henchman! Nice to see you this week Evil Henchman. A wardrobe, eh? I'll see what I can do.

Slams head into workbench repeatedly, with a mildly frustrated look on face.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh for crying out loud... can't a Virgin have a bath in peace without being invaded by animals?

With a sigh, Mary gives up all hope of a quiet night relaxing after her hectic day and, after a close encounter with a fluffy blue towel with BVM embroidered in the corner, she emerges from the dressing room, dressed in a stunningly simple blue dress, with matching blue teatowel.

Er...Joey....

...sweetheart....

Are you busy, my love?
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Not at all, my dear! Ladies and gentlemen, it's

MY BLESSED VIRGIN WIFE-TO-BE

whom I mistakenly upgraded to full marital status earlier in the show. Take a bow, sugarlump.
 

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Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Hey Joe, you look like you want someone to save the wooden boy. Tough shoot. I'm the only human around, and I'm an evil henchman.

Dust it I say.

[This is a family show, Evil Henchman...]

[ 12. December 2002, 20:48: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

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Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Sotto voce>

Well, the boy's acting less wooden than some we've seen.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Smiles sweetly and innocently at Joseph

Hello love.


 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Smiles in return. Kicks Evil Henchman in the shin and gives him a "meaningful" look.

Hey babe! Wassup?


 

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Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Looks around at chipped pieces of wood on the floor of Joseph's shop. Shakes wood chips off self. Wonders why Joseph got so upset at that curious-looking wood thing. I'm just looking for some food, Rudolph thinks to himself. Seeing none in the shed, Rudolph wanders off, looking to see where the other sheep went.

Baaaaaaaa.
 

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Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on :
 
front of stage, addressing audience

Now I am going out tonight
Tis rare but yes I sometimes do
So I might miss the best highlight
Before I get to rejoin you

Now things are complex, you can see
She says God made her a mum
He says how can such strange things be
This is not how our babies come

And later they'll sit down with us
And tell us of the whole affair
If Joseph makes a lot of fuss
Could be a DNA test on air

So I'll be back much later then
To find out all that I have missed
And read through all this thread again
And meanwhile I'll go get ...

...socializing with the multi disciplinary team in a setting other than the workplace, thus creating a different and deeper sense of teamship and belonging

grins and leaves in little black dress
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Hi sweetie. Sit down. Put your feet up. You've obviously had a hard day at work, shall I get your slippers? Hmmmm?
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Yeah, that would be good. And get me a scotch on the rocks, too. And the Jerusalem Gazette.

I don't think I can take any more stress today after such a bad Tooltime...
 

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Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 

 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Having been rudely dislodged from the comfy blue towel with monogram, Sheep 3 wanders out of the bathroom and wanders around the stage.]

Baaaa.

*sheep plop*

Baaaaa.

[continues wandering]
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Calls after Virgin Mary:

Oh, and dearest, get a shovel too. There's sheep-plop and vomit all over the floor.

[This is still a family show...]

[ 12. December 2002, 20:50: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
OK, there you go, my love...

Sits down near to Jospeh on the sofa centre stage, though with a respectable distance between them as befits a Virgin Most Pure

...smiles

...smiles again

...would smile sheepishly, but thinks that that might be pushing things a bit far....



Er.... Joe?
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Wonders why his Blessed fiancee is taking so blessed long in the blessed kitchen...
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Opens eyes

Ah, there you are, dearest. Yes, well, what was all this texting about babies, huh? I nearly lost a finger to my B&Q Electro-Mallet 5000 when I read the first one.

Thank God you were joking! As if you could be pregnant...

{relieved sigh}


 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Calls after Virgin Mary:

Oh, and dearest, get a shovel too. There's sheep-plop and vomit all over the floor.

---

Absolutely typical! He has absolutely no idea, that man. I mean, this is 2002 after all. <shakes head>

[ 12. December 2002, 20:51: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

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Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*stable cat jumps up onto couch, snuggles next to bvm, curls up, purring*

puuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
OK, there you go, my love...

Sits down near to Jospeh on the sofa centre stage, though with a respectable distance between them as befits a Virgin Most Pure

...smiles

...smiles again

...would smile sheepishly, but thinks that that might be pushing things a bit far....



Er.... Joe?

---

Tch! Some folk just don't want to be helped! When I think what our generation put up with so that you people could claim equality.....


<trails off disconsolately>

[ 12. December 2002, 20:53: Message edited by: Director ]
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Wonders why BVM has gone very quiet indeed, and is chewing her nails furiously.

Is there something you're trying to tell me, dear?
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 


Er......

glances down at blue dress with "Sponsored by Mothercare" embroidered tastefully on the collar

er.......Would you like me to fetch you some Pringles?
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
Great idea, strings, lets do the 'Married With Children' theme
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Pringles? Yeah, sure! Hurry up, there's the footie starting on the radio in a minute, and I want no distractions once it's started.

Have you put on weight? You're look a bit fat recently...
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Pringles? Yeah, sure! Hurry up, there's the footie starting on the radio in a minute, and I want no distractions once it's started.

Have you put on weight? You're look a bit fat recently...

---

Selective deafness, eh? Ho hum!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Well...er.....

DO you think you could give the football a miss? Just this once? For me??? There's ...er.. something I need to talk to you about. Sweetie.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Director:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Pringles? Yeah, sure! Hurry up, there's the footie starting on the radio in a minute, and I want no distractions once it's started.

Have you put on weight? You're look a bit fat recently...

---

Selective deafness, eh? Ho hum!

---

{stage whisper to side}

Whatcha gonna do about it, feminazi? Huh? Huh? Nothing. Let me tell you why. Because I've got balls, and you don't. That's why.

Makes a vulgar gesture to Director offstage.

Mary sweetest, this is the most important match of the season. And I'd quite like it if you actually got me those Pringles you mentioned. I'm sure your "news" - the neighbours' new cutlery, I imagine - can wait for another night...
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3, smelling the Pringles, enters from stage left.]

Baaaaa.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Ah, what the hell. If I can't have Pringles, I'll make do with animated kebab.

Here sheepy sheepy... look at my nice stainless-steel skewer... come closer, sheepy sheepy...
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 finds the Pringles in the kitchen and begins eating them, container and all.]
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Heaves herself to her feet and serenely tiptoes to the curtains stage right, grabs the packet of Pringles out of the Director's hand and takes them back to Joseph

Here you are dearest.

Whispers to sheep Look, there's two bales of hay in it for you if you could just nip over there and nibble through the television cable. Joe must not watch the football tonight!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Look Joseph darling... I really really do have something very important to tell you.

[ 12. December 2002, 21:14: Message edited by: Director ]
 

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Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
(Sound of fax ringing in Joseph's workshop)

Warble warble

Warble warble

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

grzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-chunk!

rustle rustle
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Switches on radio. Glances at BVM.

Well, I'm glad you got that silly idea of telling me "news" out of your head...

Leans back, eyes shut, listening to starting commentary. Radio OFF switch glistens.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
A fax? At this hour? Darn.

Switches off radio. Runs over to fax machine.

Argh, haven't got my glasses. Mary dear, what does the fax say?
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary heaves herself off the sofa again, readjusts her blue dress, stalks across to the radio and makes really good use of the glistening OFF switch

Look, will you just listen to me for one minute! I. Have. Something. To. Tell. You.
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 begins to bolt after having the Pringles snatched from her mouth, but notices a nice pile of alfalfa hay and stops to eat.]

*munch*
*munch*
*mun......bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt*

BAAAAAAAAA!

[Sheep 3 runs off-stage, bleating in distress from minor burns to the mouth due to chewing through a TV cable.]
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
Infuriated by the theft of the pringles, the Director ponders her next move ; wash Joseph's mouth out, or mount a demonstration of 101 Uses for a Toasting fork.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Look, will you just listen to me for one minute! I. Have. Something. To. Tell. You.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tour Manager:
(Fax page 2)

We want everything to be spit-spot for the Happy Event Nazareth Lap-Dancing Carpentry Festival in ten days' time!

And of course it is most fortuitous that just a few months later, your dear fiancée zbrhdiwexxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx

(the rest of the page has been chewed off by a sheep)

---

From the wings...

First useful thing the wretched animal's done all night!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Well, Joseph darling...

there was this stork...

Well, more of a dove, really....

Well, if you're going to be really pedantic about it, more of a parrot dressed as a dove.....
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Mary dear, I'm still waiting for an explanation...
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Look. I'm pregnant!

Isn't it good?
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Pssst Director - how's it going tonight?

*Finds one her hip flasks and takes a large slurp*
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Look. I'm pregnant!

Isn't it good?

---

HOW?!
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*da da daaaaaaa!*
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Pssst Director - how's it going tonight?

*Finds one her hip flasks and takes a large slurp*

---

OK so far, thanks, but I think Joseph's going to need one of those any minute.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Now don't you go jumping to conclusions.....
I'm a good girl, I am.
You know I've kept myself pure.

There's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Look. I'm pregnant!

Isn't it good?

---

HOW?!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Now don't you go jumping to conclusions.....
I'm a good girl, I am.
You know I've kept myself pure.

There's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

---

Oh REALLY? Well, I'd just love to hear it. I really would. I can't believe this.

How could you do this?

I don't know what to say. This is terrible. Terrible. Absolutely awful.

(And I'm not talking about the acting.)

How can you possibly be pregnant and still be pure?


 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
Yells into the wings...

Angel alert, Angel alert! Reinforcements needed...Nazareth....Joe's Quick-Stop Chop Shop!
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Director:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tour Manager:
(Fax page 2)

We want everything to be spit-spot for the Happy Event Nazareth Lap-Dancing Carpentry Festival in ten days' time!

And of course it is most fortuitous that just a few months later, your dear fiancée zbrhdiwexxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx

(the rest of the page has been chewed off by a sheep)

---

From the wings...

First useful thing the wretched animal's done all night!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
But Joey, my sweet *sniff* Surely you trust me *sniff* You don't think I'd two time you do you? *sniff*

It's just that I was sitting in the garden and got this message from Gabriel...and he said I'd get pregnant... and...and....

Is about to mention the parrot again but thinks better of it

...Joseph, darling, you know you're the only one for me *simpering smile*

---

Huh! And you expect Gabriel to back you up? If you can find him. He turned up 25 hours late for the Annunciation, don't forget!
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Mary dear, that's possibly the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Now, you have ten minutes to pack up your stuff and leave. I won't tell anyone - although, dammit, I should - but I don't want you in here any more.

I need some space.

I need some time.



What we had was so beautiful!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
But Joseph.... it was God, I tell you.

I'm still a virgin, honest...
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*strings have finished murdering each other, and are now garotting the bassoonist*
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Mary, unless an angel tells me that himself, I'm afraid it just doesn't wash.


Who's going to bring me my Pringles from now on?


 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
*strings have finished murdering each other, and are now garotting the bassoonist*

---

Musical Director - If you're having problems with the orchestra, I could always sing for you instead. Remember my virtuoso performance this morning?!
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
But Joseph.... it was God, I tell you.

I'm still a virgin, honest...

---

*Under breath*

In the play maybe
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
But Joseph, please....

And I thought you'd be so happy... at least about little Jesus. I mean, it's understandable that you're less chuffed about the twin, I feel the same way myself, but little Jesus is so meek and mild, and sleeps so sweetly.

God's been so gracious to me

I know it's hard to believe.....

Oh Joe, please please let me still get your Pringles....
 

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Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Meow!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Gazes around desperately Please please God... now would be a really good time to send another angel!
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fourth Angel:
*flutters on in a seraphic glow*

Did someone call for angels?

Can I do the appearing to him in a dream thing? He might put it down to the alcohol....

---

And I think we scripted a curry in there somewhere.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
And I thought you'd be so happy... at least about little Jesus. I mean, it's understandable that you're less chuffed about the twin, I feel the same way myself, but little Jesus is so meek and mild, and sleeps so sweetly.

---

Twin?! There's more than ONE?!



Well, I have to be honest. I'm not sure I buy this angel malarkey. Sounds a bit fishy to me. However, my Pringles are important to me, and I need someone to shovel up the vomit and sheep "ploppings" (happy, you Puritanical whingers?) around here. So you can stay.

For the time being.

Oh Mary, I love you!


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh Joseph... I just knew I could rely on you
 

---

Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
And I thought you'd be so happy... at least about little Jesus. I mean, it's understandable that you're less chuffed about the twin, I feel the same way myself, but little Jesus is so meek and mild, and sleeps so sweetly.

---

Twin?! There's more than ONE?!



Well, I have to be honest. I'm not sure I buy this angel malarkey. Sounds a bit fishy to me. However, my Pringles are important to me, and I need someone to shovel up the vomit and sheep "ploppings" (happy, you Puritanical whingers?) around here. So you can stay.

For the time being.

Oh Mary, I love you!

---

Humph! grudgingly That'll just about pass...I suppose.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Oh Joseph... I just knew I could rely on you

---

You certainly can. All this excitement has me famished, though...

How about some pretzels, babe? A beer would be good too.


 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Whispers to director

Why can't that MCP get his own Pringles and clear up the sheep droppings himself?

Takes another slurp from hip flask
 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
No no no, cancel 'It Must Have been Love' by Roxette, we need something happier ... I don't know, anything!

Great. Just great.

*band breaks into 'Celebrations' by Cliff Richard*
 

---

Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Whispers to director

Why can't that MCP get his own Pringles and clear up the sheep droppings himself?

Takes another slurp from hip flask

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
*band breaks into 'Celebrations' by Cliff Richard*

---

Oh dear. Mary, might want to bring the shovel again...
 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
happy, you Puritanical whingers?

---

*cancels order for Josephs Christmas present - a Makita WorkMate 400watt bandsaw*
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mutters to herself Hmmmm... well, he seems to have taken it surprisingly well, considering. I suppose.

And at least we have a stage hand to deal with the sheep mess.

I don't know, though, somehow I wonder if I'd have been better off sticking with that shepherd after all.

A little louder, with a real attempt to remain serene

Pretzels, sweetheart? I'll get them for you now, my dear. Let me put the radio back on for you... you're in time for the second half.
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
sends more Pringles onstage....(fume) and it'll be me to clean up the sheep plop; seeing as how I still have no stage hands!

No, wait - I'll send out a mop and bucket to Joseph..
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Pretzels, sweetheart? I'll get them for you now, my dear. Let me put the radio back on for you... you're in time for the second half.

---

Oh, good.

Yawns. So tired... looks like this might be the kind of sleep featuring DREAMS.


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Gently strokes Joseph's forehead to lull him to sleep and waves to attract the musical director's attention Golden Slumbers would be rather handy right now, or something like that, if you'd be so kind, Chris.

Hey, come on angels, I think this is your moment!
 

---

Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:
sends more Pringles onstage....(fume) and it'll be me to clean up the sheep plop; seeing as how I still have no stage hands!

No, wait - I'll send out a mop and bucket to Joseph..

---

Aha! You're getting the idea. Good, good!
 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*sings* Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to goooo...
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
*sings* Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to goooo...

---

Just as I was falling asleep, the most hideous sound... Mary! Check the cat's still alive!

Eesh. And what the heck's this bucket and mop for?
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
*hovers over the radio before Joseph can get to it*

Oh cooo-eeee! Joooooooseph!
 

---

Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
*sings* Goodnight sweetheart, well it's time to goooo...

---

Ooh! A duet?

Waltzes off into the wings with a beatific smile on her face, and Fairy Godmother's flask in one hand. A trail of pringle crumbs marks her route to the dressing room.
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
It's all right sweetheart... don't worry about it. You just go to sleep.

Whispered shout
Angels... now... it's your big moment...WHERE ARE YOU????
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
(pssst....hey, Joe - you're on cleanup detail for the stage area tonight. Sorry, just got here - no time to tell you before....

Heh, heh!
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
I'm here I'm here!

Oi, Joseph. Listen up a minute...
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fourth Angel:
*hovers over the radio before Joseph can get to it*

Oh cooo-eeee! Joooooooseph!

---

What do you want, strange winged being?
 

---

Posted by Third Singer (# 3712) on :
 
Any ideas for a song? it's not to late for the backing vocals to the 'Magnificat?'

wanders off mumbling My soul doth proclaim the greantness of the Lord..................
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
Umm... ummm.. *tries to remember lines. Flicks through Matthew*

Here we go. *ahem*

"Do not be afraid!" Except of the evil twin and the nasty Herod and his henchman. Oh, and possibly of the sheep too. Some of them look like they're verging on evil. And I'm sure that fairy godmother is up to no good either.

Oh. Sorry. "Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife". That's better.

Does that help?
 

---

Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*the singing and yelling have roused the sleeping cat, who decides to join in*

MMMEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fourth Angel:

"Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife".

Does that help?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fourth Angel:
Umm... ummm.. *tries to remember lines. Flicks through Matthew*

Here we go. *ahem*

"Do not be afraid!" Except of the evil twin and the nasty Herod and his henchman. Oh, and possibly of the sheep too. Some of them look like they're verging on evil. And I'm sure that fairy godmother is up to no good either.

Oh. Sorry. "Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife". That's better.

Does that help?

---

Yes.

Mary, my profoundest apologies. I have doubted the work of the Lord, and you, my dear wife-to-be. And in so doing, I have strayed from the path of righteousness...

etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, let's celebrate! What would you prefer, dear? Lamb or cat?


 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*the singing and yelling have roused the sleeping cat, who decides to join in*

MMMEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

---

sends large fishing net (of course, why wouldn't a nativity play in fishing villages need one?) out between curtains lower stage left and traps that derned cat, but good!

Drags cat hissing and clawing backstage....
 

---

Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
(Angel 3 enters and looks meaningfully at Angel 4. Time to take control.In her most severe tone she begins...)

Look here, toolboy, the word Angel means "messenger" as in "a word in your shell like from Him Upstairs".
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
Either lamb or cat could be nicely microwaved in minutes. Just tell me whether to skin or sheer....
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
Oh well that was awfully easy.

I was hoping to have to do that nice glowy thing they use on Touched By an Angel and all..

Still, as long as Joseph's convinced...
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Oh, do the glowy thing too!

Go on!
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oooh, yes. Do the glowy thing.
 

---

Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*stable cat, thoroughly enraged, shreds the net easily, and escapes back on-stage with a mighty leap that takes her solidly on top of the angel's head*

MMMMRRRRROOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Angel 3:
Look here, toolboy, the word Angel means "messenger" as in "a word in your shell like from Him Upstairs".

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*stable cat, thoroughly enraged, shreds the net easily, and escapes back on-stage with a mighty leap that takes her solidly on top of the angel's head*

MMMMRRRRROOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!

---

you're not taking creative liberties with me! No straggly barn cat can possibly claw her way through one of Nazareth's finest fishing nets! They catch oyster toads in 'em and their teeth will chew open an oyster shell - and they can't hack their way through this netting.

Ha! Captured you again. There's a nice four point restraint for you backstage....nice kitty!
 

---

Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*stable cat shreds stage manager's net, and, incidentally, the stage manager as well, escaping handily. she then stalks off in a huff*

hhhhhcckkkkkkppppfffttttt........
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
With a contended smile, the fourth angel begins to glow radiantly. So radiantly that it'll dislodge any felines hanging around. Forget a halo, she looks like she's been eating ready-brek for the past decade. Or visiting Sellafield. Or something.

A golden aura surrounding her, she smiles sweetly at Joseph and Mary. Her voice softens to an Irish lilt. "I'm an angel. And I'm here t'say that the Father loves you soooo much."

*turns glow off*.

There
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Applauds

Oh, very good!
 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fourth Angel:
...Her voice softens to an Irish lilt. "I'm an angel. And I'm here t'say that the Father loves you soooo much."...

---

Time for the Father Ted theme?
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 


That was impressive!
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
*curtsies modestly*

Thank you. I taught that Roma Downey all she knows about glowing.

Not sure about Father Ted though...
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Here kitty kitty - are they being horrid to you?

Come to Fairy Godmother - puss puss puss

Would you like some fresh milk with whiskey?
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 enters LSR, comes to a stop in front of Fourth Angel and chews her cud while contemplating the contended smile.]

Baa.
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
*calmly attends to a couple of minor superficial scratches inflicted by Stable Cat. A little antiseptic is enough. No need for a Mr Men plaster, at all. That cat is a wuss.*
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Would you like some fresh milk with whiskey?

---

Whiskey is not for cats. It's for humans. To demonstrate this, I shall now proceed to drink all your whiskey.

*glug*
*glug*
*glug*
*glug*
*glug*
*glug*
*glug*
*glug*
*glug*

Dash beddah.

*hic*

Wheresh Mary gone?
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Er.... I'm here, sweetie.

Wonders whether it might have been a better idea to exit stage left while the going was good
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Oh goody goodsh. Whash are we going to call dish liddle babby, den? Ish he going to be a Joe like me? Or do we have to call him shomeshing religioush?
 

---

Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
The Fourth Angel, no longer glowing, shoves the sheep offstage with a hefty push, before turning back to Joseph with her sweetest smile.

You've got to call him Jesus. At least that's what God said. I suggested Emannuelle for the other one, seeing as God seems to have said to call him that as well. But nobody appears to have picked up on that.

He could always be Jesus Joe?
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Well, I had thought of Engelbert, but apparently we've got to go for the name Jesus. God insisted on choosing, seeing as it was his son. Seems fair enough, I suppose.

And as for this evil twin sister, someone suggested Emanuelle, though I'm a bit worried about the implications of that. I rather like the name Lavinia. What do you think?
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
I shink the evil one should be called Anne! After my mother-in-law!

Geddit? Haw! Haw! Haw!

How about "Karen"? Then she could grow up in my trade and be Karen Carpenter!

Geddit? Haw! Haw! Haw!

Taps Mary's pregnant bump and laughs loudly in its direction.

Do you hear that, kidsh? Haw! Haw! Haw! I'm a comedian! Haw! Haw! Haw!
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
The BVM gets up serenely and waves surreptitiously to the tealady Better make that one very strong coffee, please. Put it on the tab.
 

---

Posted by Mrs. Herod (# 3681) on :
 
Where's that cat? Herod loves chat a la whiskey! I knew that evilhench man would come in handy! Hey take care of the cat can ya love, then take it to the cook thanks yer a darlin'
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Hmph.

I don't feel so good.
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh, will you look at the time, Joe dear. A Virgin most pure such as I am needs her beauty sleep, you know. No, don't worry, I can get my own coat, you just sit there comfortably and I'll be round tomorrow to clean up the Pringle crumbs.

Hmmm... now, that's Joseph convinced.... but I don't think Mum's going to be that easy somehow.....

Serenely exits stage left, followed by a sheep
 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
Hey Joe, fancy hitting the bars downtown? I've got a song we can sing!

'Hey Bartender' by the Blues Brothers
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Serenely exits stage left, followed by a sheep

---

Wow, doesn't take much to fool her, does it? Time to head down the King Herod's Arms, methinks...

Women!



Exit stage right.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
Hey Joe, fancy hitting the bars downtown? I've got a song we can sing!

---

"Music Director" or "Mind Reader"? I think we should be told...
 

---

Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 
Meanwhile, out in the fields...

345, 346 ,347. Chief! we've one missing again!

I think it's that blasted Sheep 3.

Too busy messing around on that stage if you ask me. If I ever get my teet^h^h^h^h^h^hands on it...
 

---

Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
[Enter stage left, with eyes closed. Exit stage right, snoring gently.]
 

---

Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
Hey Joe, fancy hitting the bars downtown? I've got a song we can sing!

---

"Music Director" or "Mind Reader"? I think we should be told...

---

O let me! (Having been indelicately hoicked off stage earlier - and thus missing the opportunity to glow angelically, Angel 3 is once again ALONE. She sings "Through the keyhole" to the tune of "Good King Wencelas".)

"Through the keyhole! Well "Hello!"
Circulation's climbing.
Tell us all we need to know
Why Joseph is repining.
Send the paparazzi forth
We want all the photos!
Let's invent some made-up quotes
And spicy tales - but mo-ooore so!

Through the keyhole! Come let's spy
On the happy couple.
Preggers by another guy
-Will she get in trouble?
Joseph is a trusting sort;
Believes what Angels tell him.
Beer and football keep him sweet
And lamb kebabs from trusting she-eee-ep.

( Angel 3 is missing the frosty lager and goes off in search of her pusher - er, Angel 6.)
 

---

Posted by Techie1 (# 3688) on :
 
<Turns Angel 3's mike OFF, thinks a moment, then reaches for the wire cutters>

Music Director... how important is Angel 3 to the next coupla scenes???
 

---

Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
I'm making plans for that cat.

Oh, and Lavinia? WTF?
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 wanders onto the stage, finds it empty.]

*sheep plop*

[Ambles over to USR and settles down to chew her cud.]

Baa.

[After some minutes, falls asleep]
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
I'm making plans for that cat.

---

I await your birth!
 

---

Posted by Techie1 (# 3688) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
I'm making plans for that cat.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Techie1:
<Turns Angel 3's mike OFF, thinks a moment, then reaches for the wire cutters>

Music Director... how important is Angel 3 to the next coupla scenes???

---

O I think on current erratic attendances you lot need all the angelic help you can get. Then, of course, there is the BIG all singing, all dancing Fear Not-ery, Hark the Herald Angels etc. with shepherds and passers by plus sheep and other quadrupeds. It's going to be FABULOUS!


 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Techie1:
Music Director... how important is Angel 3 to the next coupla scenes???

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
Hey Joe, fancy hitting the bars downtown? I've got a song we can sing!

---

"Music Director" or "Mind Reader"? I think we should be told...

---

tut
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by angel 5:
...goes back to the dressing room and plays a new recorder just outside Herods Dressing room...

---

Oh, for the love of god...

GO AWAY! OR I WILL HURT YOU. BADLY.
 

---

Posted by Assorted Strings (# 3652) on :
 
Now Herod's a grumpy old sod,
Who threatens the angels of God.
And his plans for the sheep
Make the angels all weep,
So we'll leave him to play on his tod.

(Well, apart from his evil henchman, maybe)
 

---

Posted by Third Singer (# 3712) on :
 
Any ideas for a song?

How about 'Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord'?
or maybe Human league 'Don't you want me?'

How about a seasonal 'It came upon a midnight clear'?
whoops it's raining.....
 

---

Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*starts to harmonize with angel 5's recorder and third singer*

mrrrrrrrrooooooowwwwwwwrrrrrrroooollllll........

[ 13. December 2002, 12:04: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by Assorted Strings (# 3652) on :
 
<improvises an accompaniment to Angel 5's recorder, the 3rd Singer and the stable cat>

Hey folks, this is great! I reckon we could get ourselves a record deal with this band. Any suggestions for our name?
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Right.

That is IT.

<picks up the mangy moggy by her legs and ties them together with a combination of fishing wire and rope. Grabs the new recorder off the angel and places it in a feline orrifice where "the sun don't shine". Places cat in trunk. Locks and chains up trunk.>

Hmm... where to send the trunk?

Somewhere out of the way where we'll never see, or hear, this annoyance again.

Ooh, I know, how's about a random stable in the middle of nowhere? Bethlehem sounds good to me.

<Writes label. Hands trunk to passing postman.>

Ahhh... peace.

<Pours himself a large scotch>
 

---

Posted by Lowly Stage Hand (# 3648) on :
 
Noticing that the action seems to have moved offstage to the dressing rooms, the Lowly Stage Hand trails onstage armed with dustbin liners, brush, mop and bucket et al, and begins to clean up the mess...
 

---

Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
I'm making plans for that cat.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Techie1:
The Hallelujah Chorus is heard from the sound booth, followed by the Amen Chorus.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:


I await your birth!

---

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