Thread: Scene 5: The Census Cometh Board: Nativity Play / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
Inland Revenue P45 and CIS25 Form Registration Closing Date: 24th December

So the Wise Guys have sped off in search of the Star (and some decent gags) and Mary is Christmas shopping. In the meantime, Joseph receives an important letter...
 

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Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Mr Joseph Carpenter
The Workshop
Artisan Street
Nazareth

Dear Mr Carpenter

Great Caesar Augustus
Has made a decree
That all of the world
Must pay him a fee.

In order to do this
He’s passed a new law
Back to your home town
You must withdraw.

It says it quite clearly
In paragraph three
Clause number twelve
Subsection D.

You have to be present
And the census form sign
In the ancestral city
Of your family line.

You will be fined
If you do not obey
Caesar’s instruction
By Christmas Day.

Yours sincerely

Matthew Levi
Imperial Inspector of Taxes

PS

If you think this is bad
Just wait and see.
Our next cunning plan’s
The taxation of tea.
 

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Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Evil Henchman strides in and blows a loud whistle

Alright you horrible lot, listen up.

Shut up Martha.

Herod knows where you liven already. But now he's decided he wants to know a lot more about you - how many bathrooms; who doesn't worship him; what your average monthly income is; grandfather's name (if your mother wasn't sure, put "I am the child of the village bike").

And, because Herod is an evil bastard, there's an extra twist. You must all go back to the town of your tribe to hand the census forms in

Form an orderly queue here for forms. And don't sneak off John, or I'll have to burn your house down.

Henchman begins handing out forms and ticking people off her list
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
time for some 'Carmina Burana' methinks...
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Dashes onstage muttering apologies for tardiness.

Ay carumba! What's this? A census? Good grief, how bad.

Oh, and a henchman too!

Gosh!

Looks around, trying to work out what on earth's going on.
 

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Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Enters stage left, reading from a papyrus>

It seems that Augustus has decreed that a census must take place. God, the man's a fool. Does he think I have nothing better to do than count people?

Honestly, I have slaves to whip, orgies to organise, and sheep, angels and an incredibly annoying cat of which to dispose. Where does he think I'll find the time to do this too?

Boy!

<a slave boy enters>

Pass this on to Quirrinus at the Department of Boring. Should keep him busy for a while.

<Herod screws up the papyrus and throws it at the slave boy who scrambles to pick it up and runs off>

Now... about that bloody cat...

<Exits stage right>
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
*receives papyrus from panic stricken slave boy backstage, and places it on props table.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Well, I suppose I'd better get packing.

*ahem*

Pack. As in, with a suitcase. Yes, a suitcase would certainly be useful...

Waits for prop to appear.
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
Voici! suitcase.
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
now I suppose he's wanting some stuff to pack in the suitcase....i have no walk on character to be waiting on Joe hand and foot!
 

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Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
sheep, angels and an incredibly annoying cat of which to dispose.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep:
Rudolph on phone with his lawyer. If Herod is thinking of disposing of the sheep, he's gonna have to deal with a lawsuit from the SPCA, PETA, and Mutton Anti-Defamation League.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Joseph:

I'll need:
my BJT 123 iron jack/smoothing plane with wooden handle
my XZ45 double open end chrome plated carbon steel spanner
my BJ1370 push-type grease gun
my Block'n'Griffin quick-action G-clamp

Well, that should be enough for now. Might chuck in a couple of shirts too - although the BVM really should have ironed these better.

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All are available on the props table. Please pick them up on your next exit stage left.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary, wrapped up in a blue coat with matching pale blue scarf and woolly hat, struggles onto the stage, carrying ten packed carrier bags which she deposits on the floor with a sigh

Well, whoever would have thought I'd have caught an earlier camel-train home? Thank goodness for that.. my feet are killing me. Kicks off blue suede shoes Hey Joseph, I have saved a fortune. Look at this little layette - Father Christmas babygro, booties, hat and bib - two for the price of one, which was handy. And this little suitcase was on special offer - I thought it might come in handy for the honeymoon. What do you think? Oh, and I saw this lovely blue dress in the maternity department in.... er...Joe? What's wrong??? You look harrassed?
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Exits stage left.

Slaps stage manager.
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
And yes, slavegirl, I want aftershave too. Get the tools first, though.

---

reconsiders. . .. onstage actresses are in a higher pay grade than stage managers.

Joseph, sir. Here are the tools you require, freshly ironed shirts, and your favorite aftershave, Manly Man.

Anything else?
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Runs onstage.

No, thanks, that'll be quite enough, you smelly little slavegirl.

Shoves stage manager offstage.

Mary! Dearest! What a wonderful little assortment of things. I'm afraid I have some bad news, though. You see, an angel has informed me that I am to bear a child...
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Not you too????
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
No, I'm just being silly. Seriously though, take a look at this letter...

Hands BVM letter.

It's not great timing, I know, what with the little sprogs about to pop out and all. But doesn't look like we get much of a say in the matter.

Oh, and iron some shirts, wench.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
You've got to be joking? This can't be true???
Oh Joseph, however are we going to cope? travel all the way to Bethlehem??? It's no good, we can't go. I have an antenatal class on Tuesday, I'm having my hair done Friday and I've booked a massage on Saturday morning. There's nothing for it. You'll just have to write to him and say we can't go. I'm pregnant!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh, and funny you should mention shirts, darling.. I got these - if you bought two, you got 30% off. I thought they were a real bargain.
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
in a stage whisper to Mary...

He was complaining about your ironing before you arrived. You'll be wanting this flatiron. Be careful, it's hot!
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
The shirts are great! Apart from the pink one. You can take that back. I'll be damned if I'm going to walk around town looking like a wooft...

Stops mid-word. Glances nervously at disapproving Director.

Anyway, as I was saying, it might give the wrong impression.

Oh, and the trip is non-negotiable. Pregnant or no, we all have to go. So get packing!
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
In a stage whisper to chief stage manager
Complaining about my ironing??? OUCH! MY FINGER!
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
Yes, he was. And far be it from me to gossip, but he slapped me backstage. He's one to look out for, that Joseph. Careful. Both of him and the iron.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
You don't like the pink? I rather liked the thought of you in pink. It'd complement my blue dress perfectly, and it accentuates that little dimple in your cheek that I love so much... the one your beard just doesn't quite cover...

Ahem.. packing?
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Yes, packing! I've got the suitcase out - now put in my things, your things, the babies' things, and the cat.

Don't forget the cat.

We may get peckish en route.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Er, darling, this suitcase seems to have been confused with your toolbox. I'll just put these things in the workshop for you and get a few clothes together. WOuld you put the kettle on for me, dearest, I'm dying for a drink and a sit down.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Erm, Virgin sweetest... those tools are coming with us. And I'm not lugging my lead toolbox around Palestine just so you can shove a couple of extra dresses in. One dress will be quite enough for you.

I'll go and make some tea. Am I not merciful?
 

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Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 
does anyone need any help packing?

A
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Angel 1:
does anyone need any help packing?

A

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quote:

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Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Now, let me see.... we're going to need 25 sets of clothes for the babies, 50 terry nappies (to save on washing), safety pins, towels, blankets, travel cot, baby bottles, steriliser... oh, and I got this pram half price with the baby bath - a real bargain.....

---

All available on the props table. For you, Virgin Mary, I'll deliver.
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
Sorry I'm late! G-string got wrapped around a tuning peg the wrong way...

Time for some 'Shopping' by the Pet Shop Boys
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
But I've had a better idea: all together now

a-one, a-two, a-three and-a-four...

*sings* 'We're all going on a <thump> Summer Holiday...'

[Ahem...]

[ 13. December 2002, 21:22: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

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Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Musical Director:
Sorry I'm late! G-string got wrapped around a tuning peg the wrong way...

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quote:

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Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Now, let me see.... we're going to need 25 sets of clothes for the babies, 50 terry nappies (to save on washing), safety pins, towels, blankets, travel cot, baby bottles, steriliser... oh, and I got this pram half price with the baby bath - a real bargain.....

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
But....

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quote:

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Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Erm...er...Joseph

I don't drink tea!

---

But dear, you said "WOuld you put the kettle on for me, dearest, I'm dying for a drink and a sit down."

And then I EXPLICITLY SAID I was going to make tea.

So instead of wasting my time, next time I suggest you make your own drink.


 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
*Wanders backstage from dressing room with a smile and wicked glint in her eye carrying a large book of the type that has it's main use propping up a wonky table (it's secondary use is to send people to sleep with boredom) She also has a bag of water pistols ?

Mutters to self : The title of this scene does not appear to make sense.

Now I can understand Joseph having to produce a CIS25 for verification that he is a sub-contractor for British tax purposes but I fail to see why a P45 is relevant unless he is starting work in Bethlehem as a employee.

Now if he does not have a P45 it would be appropriate to complete a P46 when he starts work for any new employer otherwise he will be paying emergency tax at base rate week 1 (which mean he will not have any tax allowance). Unless he is a student working during the vacation when he should complete a P38 for non deduction of tax.

Now if he is from another country he will have to complete a P86 in order to obtain a tax code, and a P85 on leaving the country in order to reclaim tax paid during his period of work in that country. Therefore he will need to have a P45 from his last employer, a P60 or a statement of earnings.

Now I ought to check the changes to family tax credit, maternity and paternity leave from April 2003 - oh and of course leave for adoptive parents.

Hmmmm - lets look at this again....

Takes out hip flask and reading glasses
 

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Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
And Angel 1! A cup for you too.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

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Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Erm...er...Joseph

I don't drink tea!

---

But dear, you said "WOuld you put the kettle on for me, dearest, I'm dying for a drink and a sit down."

And then I EXPLICITLY SAID I was going to make tea.

So instead of wasting my time, next time I suggest you make your own drink.

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
With sweet serene smile of delight, BVM rushes off to the dressing room, carrying in her arms a huge carrier bag. She returns wearing a dazzling gown, high necked of course and down to the ankles, made of shimmering blue satin....and somewhat extended at the front. Blushing slightly, she twirls in front of Joseph

Well, what do you think?

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, what do you think?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, what do you think?

---

*mutters* you look like a big snozzcumber...

---

Here, mate, want to insult my darling to my face?
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh Joseph, you like it!

runs over and gives him a tiny pure-virgin-style kiss on the top of his head

Oh, and I am sorry about the tea, my sweet. It was my fault entirely, I should have said before. It's delicious, honest - I am growing to like tea. And you were such a sweetheart for making it Well, it's worth a lie or two, seeing as he didn't notice the price tag on the dress
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, what do you think?

---

*mutters* you look like a big snozzcumber...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Here, mate, want to insult my darling to my face?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, what do you think?

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*mutters* you look like a big snozzcumber...

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Here, mate, want to insult my darling to my face?

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Oh, my hero!!!!!!!!
 

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Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 
shoos away the sheep by getting it to attack the fairy godmother

there's a good little sheep . . . .

A
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Puts down large officiallly boring book and takes another swig at her hip flask

A fight - I likes a good fight I does
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:

quote:

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Originally posted by Joseph:
Here, mate, want to insult my darling to my face?

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Yes, why? Do you want to join in?

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Puts down large officiallly boring book and takes another swig at her hip flask

A fight - I likes a good fight I does

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3, startled and confused by the sudden loud buzzing noise, runs and butts at Angel 1 instead of Fairy Godmother.]

Baaaaaaaaaa.

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3, startled and confused by the sudden loud buzzing noise, runs and butts at Angel 1 instead of Fairy Godmother.]

Baaaaaaaaaa.

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Way to go sheep!
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
If you're awaiting a show-off, Joseph, the crowd have one already on stage. You.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh Joseph, you are so brave and manly. I think I love you.
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Show of thumbs!

(Nothing like an inability to type to add to the tension.)
 

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Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Joseph:
Now, crowd, should I show mercy - or take the guy's head off?

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Start by planing his feet, then slowly move up.

Just a suggestion.
 

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Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
yee, gads!
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Oh Joseph, you are so brave and manly. I think I love you.

---

 

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Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 
performs huge deathbed scene, realises angels don't die, then decided to get up as she only has a grazed knee

right. now to add sheep to list of cast members that p**s me off. . . .

A
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
I've heard that he needs a good scraping with a wire brush, Joseph darling.
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*breaks into 'Who Do You Think You Are' by the Spice Girls*

Just remember whom you are addressing, young man.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Go on, Joseph! Sort him out!!!! He's been asking for this for a long time, jumped up little upstart!!!!!

Hands Joseph his turbo-powered drill
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Musical Director:
*breaks into 'Who Do You Think You Are' by the Spice Girls*

Just remember whom you are addressing, young man.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
The shirts are great! Apart from the pink one. You can take that back. I'll be damned if I'm going to walk around town looking like a wooft...

Stops mid-word. Glances nervously at disapproving Director.

Anyway, as I was saying, it might give the wrong impression.

Oh, and the trip is non-negotiable. Pregnant or no, we all have to go. So get packing!

---

Excuse me! I'll have you know Mr Director wears pink shirts, and no way is he...(ahem)

Sidles up to Mary, giving Joseph a suitably reproving glare en route.

A word in your ear, dear. Don't you get started on this ironing lark. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile. Oh, it starts innocently enough: "Be an angel, darling, and run an iron over these hand-embroidered linen gowns." Next thing you know, he'll have you chained to the wretched board 24 hours a day!

Oh, and if you have to do it, steer clear of those 100% cotton, Jermyn Street jobs. All those fiddlly collar stiffeners blocking the machine filter, and no engineers to be found for love nor money.

And they need ironing damp as well.

[ 13. December 2002, 22:01: Message edited by: Director ]
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Er... is that it?
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Err. Yes, sir. Good point, sir. Have a complimentary bookend, sir. Made it myself.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Cheep 3, terrified by the glitter of all the cheap trim on Herod's costume, takes a run at him, inadvertently knocking Fairy Godmother into the orchestra pit.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

[Knocks down Herod, exits stage left and hides in the middle of all the camels.]

---

quote:

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Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Er... is that it?

---

'Fraid so.

He's threatening my dressing room...
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3, terrified by the glitter of all the cheap trim on Herod's costume, takes a run at him, inadvertently knocking Fairy Godmother into the orchestra pit.

---

Picks herself up from amongst the music stands

What the...

Oh sorry - didn't see you under there.
Would you like me to get off of you?
 

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Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Once again, Sheep 3 hears a mysterious angelic chorus singing quietly "Preview Post is Your Friend" and wonders what it is. But at least she doesn't mess up the horizontal scroll.]
 

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Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Rudolph peeks out from behind the stage curtain, wondering where all that ruckus is coming from. Looks around to see if any of those wise guys are around. Seeing none, Rudolph walks out on stage, sees a pile of census forms. Since there's no snacks anywhere around, Rudolph grabs a mouthful of forms and munches away.
 

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Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
Knocks down Herod, exits stage left...

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
Knocks down Herod, exits stage left...

---

<Dusts himself off>

Right. That's another one on the list then.

<Takes out small book>

"She-ep 3"

#He's making a list, he's checking it twice, gonna find out who's gonna get sliced...#

---

Here, do you take nominations?
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Pssst Herod - held me up off the Music Director.

I think he may need mouth to mouth resuscitation

[ 13. December 2002, 22:26: Message edited by: Director ]
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep:
Rudolph peeks out from behind the stage curtain, wondering where all that ruckus is coming from. Looks around to see if any of those wise guys are around. Seeing none, Rudolph walks out on stage, sees a pile of census forms. Since there's no snacks anywhere around, Rudolph grabs a mouthful of forms and munches away.

---

Musical Director! I think a rousing rendition of Sheep may Safely Graze is called for.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Pssst Herod - held me up off the Music Director.

I think he may need mouth to mouth resusitation

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Pssst Herod - help me up off the Music Director.

I think he may need mouth to mouth resusitation

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Pssst Herod - help me up off the Music Director.

I think he may need mouth to mouth resusitation

---

*still standing midstage with Crash Cart*

Not from me, I hope. Breathe in, breathe out - breathe in, breathe out......that's the way. He's not even turning blue....

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Joe darling, don't forget to phone the hotel. And for goodness sake, don't let the sheep hear you making the booking. We don't want to end up sharing a room with an animal now, do we?

---

Heaven forbid! I'll ring them as soon as I've finished filling out this census papyrus.

Looks at scroll.

Err... this may prove rather complicated.
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Looks at crumpled shirt... looks at iron... looks at Joseph... looks at iron....

..... remembers that Joseph could have thrown her out when she told him the news.... and he hasn't mentioned the credit card bill once.....

..... picks up iron, sighs, and makes a start on the shirt. After all, she wants him to look his best in the posh hotel as she walks in to dinner on his arm
 

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Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Well, in the spirit of the census, I've been counting.

It turns out, I have lots of money, loads of slaves, more than a few concubines and one very evil nature.

Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.

Must've lost them somewhere along the way.
 

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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Looks at crumpled shirt... looks at iron... looks at Joseph... looks at iron....

..... remembers that Joseph could have thrown her out when she told him the news.... and he hasn't mentioned the credit card bill once.....

..... picks up iron, sighs, and makes a start on the shirt. After all, she wants him to look his best in the posh hotel as she walks in to dinner on his arm

---

Aagh!

Don't do it, Mary!!
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Well, in the spirit of the census, I've been counting.

It turns out, I have lots of money, loads of slaves, more than a few concubines and one very evil nature.

Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.

Must've lost them somewhere along the way.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Well, in the spirit of the census, I've been counting.

It turns out, I have lots of money, loads of slaves, more than a few concubines and one very evil nature.

Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.

Must've lost them somewhere along the way.

---

Along with your marbles. Now get out of my house. I'm trying to fill out this form, and having evil kings poncing about the place doesn't help.

Mary, do you remember what my blood type is?
 

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Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*

mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........
 

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Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
I give up on the mouth to mouth...he isn' blue (yet)

Clambers out of orchstra pit and wanders backstage to find sheep

Now Lancashire hot pot and shepherd's pie

Here sheepy sheepy
 

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Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Wow - Mary, we crack the same jokes. We MUST be meant for one another!


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Well, in the spirit of the census, I've been counting.

It turns out, I have lots of money, loads of slaves, more than a few concubines and one very evil nature.

Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.

Must've lost them somewhere along the way.

---

Along with your marbles. Now get out of my house. I'm trying to fill out this form, and having evil kings poncing about the place doesn't help.

Mary, do you remember what my blood type is?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*

mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........

---

 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
(as in, O, Joseph! )
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Wow - Mary, we crack the same jokes. We MUST be meant for one another!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
(as in, O, Joseph! )

---

 

---

Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Bored with all this lovey-duvey stuff, Rudolph finishes his snack and wanders off stage, looking to see if anyone has a TV, maybe a football match is on.
 

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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*gets up*

I've just had the most awful nightmare...

*starts playing 'I'm Still Standing'*
 

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Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*

mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........

---

Bah! Get out you filthy animal!
Good job I bought half a dozen more shirts... well, they were on special offer you know.
 

---

Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*stable cat, affronted, hacks a large hairball all over the ironing*

ackkkkk....ackkkkkk....ackkkkk

*then stalks off in affronted dignaty to hiding place in rafters*
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
"O", eh? Oh.

Or "OAO", even!

Anyway, thanks, I'll write it in. Are you sure you don't want to call the evil twin "Cyril"? I think it would be a better name. Although I suppose if it's a girl that might be a bit awkward...

Ah, what the heck. In the absence of ultrasound, we'll just go with the assumption that it's a boy. So, let's see...

"Unborn Children - List In Bold Type Below"

That's JESUS - J-E-S-U-S
and CYRIL - C-Y-R-I-L

There.

Taps Mary's pregnant bump.

Hear that, kid? We're calling you Cyril!

By the way, Mary, I've been meaning to ask - you don't mind me talking to them like this, do you?
 

---

Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*now that things have quieted down, stable cat creeps out of the wings, and settles down in mary's warm bundle of ironing, getting grey fur all over everything.*

mmmmmrrrrrrwwwwwwww.........

---

Bah! Get out you filthy animal!
Good job I bought half a dozen more shirts... well, they were on special offer you know.

---

*Shakes head sorrowfully*

Slippery slope you know.. And so young, too.

*Whispers into the wings* I haven't any of this down in my script.
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Well, now you come to mention it Joe, darling....
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, now you come to mention it Joe, darling....

---

Oh, I knew you'd approve!


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Looks at Joseph....

Well actually....

Thinks better of it, after all, he's taken the news about the babies so well, and is even getting a bit paternal towards them, and he hasn't even mentioned the phone bill

...well, actually, Joseph darling, would you like me to get you a coffee while you're filling in those terrible forms?
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
...well, actually, Joseph darling, would you like me to get you a coffee while you're filling in those terrible forms?

---

Actually, a nice cup of Earl Grey is what I want right now. Two sugars, skimmed milk. And a Digestive, if you can rustle one up.



Watches Mary walk out.

{sotto voce}

And then we'll have a chat about the phone bill.


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Smiles serenely at her beloved Joseph and exits stage left, hoping against hope that the green room is open and she can get a cuppa for Joseph without having to make it herself.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Whistles "Bob The Builder".

Takes a furtive look at cunningly-concealed wristwatch.

Turns to wings.

OI, MARY, WANNA HURRY UP WITH THAT TEA?
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Suddenly remembers she is not supposed to be having a chat in the green room with the fairy Godmother, and races back onstage with a cup of lukewarm Earl Grey and a packet of digestives

There you go my lovely...
 

---

Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 
what is it with tea around here, doesn't anyone ever drink coffee?

(mines a de-caff ta.)

A
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Angel 1:
what is it with tea around here, doesn't anyone ever drink coffee?

(mines a de-caff ta.)

A

---

You can get your own!
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Thanks dear. Now, there's something I've been meaning to ask you about.

Picks up first sheet of 300-page phone bill.

Why, exactly, are there over two hundred charges here for texts to - and I quote - "the Celestial Kingdom"?

Do you have any idea how much such long-distance (we're talking crossing metaphysical barriers here) texting costs?


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Ah
 

---

Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on :
 
Honestly, you try and help with the packing, shoo sheep away, get injured for your troubles and mess up the horizontal scroll once then no one will get you a drink and no one likes you anymore.

walks away muttering evil throughts about exact purity of mary to herself

A
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Ah

---

"Ah"? Is that it?! "Ah"?! "Ah" is not going to pay the bill, my sweet.

"Ah" is not even going to explain the bill.

Frankly, "ah" is no response at all.

We'll postpone discussion of this until after the birth, though. I don't want the babies getting upset.

Taps pregnant bump.

Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!


 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Wasn't able to locate any scruples however.

Must've lost them somewhere along the way.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Ah

---

"Ah"? Is that it?! "Ah"?! "Ah" is not going to pay the bill, my sweet.

"Ah" is not even going to explain the bill.

Frankly, "ah" is no response at all.

We'll postpone discussion of this until after the birth, though. I don't want the babies getting upset.

Taps pregnant bump.

Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Have you phoned that hotel yet?

---

No, good point. I must do that soon. Can't have us just turning up and finding no room at the Plaza!

First, though, I think it's time I treated you to something. You've been working yourself far too hard. Honestly, I wish you'd stop dashing about, trying to do everything. I know you're keen to make me comfortable, but I'm an active man - let me do things! Laziness is anathema to me.

Anyway, what do you say to a nice plate of my pappardelle with lobster, butter and spinach hearts?
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh Joseph!

(See Miffy... I told you so he wasn't an MCP really )

But actually, I think I'd rather have a honey and gherkin sandwich if you wouldn't mind, my sweet.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Oh Joseph!

(See Miffy... I told you so he wasn't an MCP really )

But actually, I think I'd rather have a honey and gherkin sandwich if you wouldn't mind, my sweet.

---

Hmmm... well, I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect of preparing one of those.

But if it'll make you feel better, why not?



(Oh, and what does "MCP" stand for? )
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh...er... nothing my sweet. Just something the Director said earlier... Nothing to worry your handsome manly head about, you have too much to concentrate on as it is with those horrid census forms.

Now, are we all ready for the journey?

As Joseph leaves to prepare a light snack, Mary suddenly has a thought

It's a shame trains haven't been invented yet. I wonder whether Joseph's thought about transport. I bet he has, I'm sure he'll have booked me a sedan-taxi, he's so thoughtful like that.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Enter stage left, with aforementioned sandwich - no thanks to the apparently absent stage director. Pah.

Ready for the journey? Looks like it, doesn't it? I've asked Isaac from number 5 to water the plants while we're gone. We're taking the cat with us. The bags are packed. Passports in my pocket. Let's see... anything else?

No, I don't think so!

Oh, I'd better go check on Flossy before going to bed. You're ok with riding my donkey all the way to Bethlehem, right?

Exit stage right, humming "Wonderful World".
 

---

Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!

---

You expect me to believe that in light of the fact that you've named me Cyril?
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Donkey????

Oh Joseph, darling... you are such a tease! I nearly fell for that one!
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!

---

You expect me to believe that in light of the fact that you've named me Cyril?

---

Yes, or I'll put your head in a vice and make you believe it.

Your choice.


 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Donkey????

Oh Joseph, darling... you are such a tease! I nearly fell for that one!

---

Err... yes! Exactly! Just a little joke!



{sotto voce}

What did she expect? A limousine? Gah.
 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Well Joe dearest, you'd better take the bags out and pack them in the lim... er....on the donkey and I'll do a packed lunch for on the way. How far is it to Bethlehem? Not very far?
 

---

Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Yes, or I'll put your head in a vice and make you believe it.

Your choice.

---

Go for it, old man.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Well, it's a bit of stretch. But nothing compared to the stretching needed to give birth to twins!



Ok, I can tell from your face that didn't go down too well. Must learn to reign in my comic genius.

Anyway, everything's ready. I'm exhausted.

Turns to pregnant bump.

I'll deal with you later, kiddo.

Lays out on bed.


 

---

Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 

Serenely covers the sleeping Joseph with a blanket, tiptoes out and heads home to walk herself home to her parents' house down the lane. Well, don't forget she's pure and virginal!

I'm sure there was something we still had to remember to do...
 

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*sings in awful howl, reminisent of the cat* Tomorroooow, tomorroooow, it's donkey, tomorroooooow...
 

---

Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on :
 
*safe in her rafter perch, the cat, rather encouraged by the line about taking the cat, joins in the singing*

mmmmrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwww..........
 

---

Posted by Tealady (# 3713) on :
 
Arrives with large mobile Gaggia espresso machine on a motorised trolley

Sorry I'm late, dearies, me arthritis is playin up summat rotten. One large decaff latte for Angel 1. Anything else? And I've lost a packet of Earl Grey somewhere...
 

---

Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
[Enter stage left, showing signs of having had a drink. Exit stage right, still showing those same aforementioned signs]
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 follows Passer-by 3 across the stage.]

Baaaaaaa.
 

---

Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 follows Passer-by 3 across the stage.]

Baaaaaaa.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stable Cat:
*safe in her rafter perch, the cat, rather encouraged by the line about taking the cat, joins in the singing*

mmmmrrrrrrroooooowwwwwwww..........

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Joseph:
Hear that, kids? Daddy - well, sort-of-Daddy - cares about you!

---

You expect me to believe that in light of the fact that you've named me Cyril?

---

*Baby Jesus smiles sweetly to self, resisting the impulse to snigger - after all, that wouldn't be very holy now, would it. Cyril! *


 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Have you been paying attention?

Mary's in the family way
- So off to hear what Liz would say.

Liz replied, "I'm pregnant too,
And six months further gone than you."

Wise men from a land afar
Then set off to seek a star.

Their chosen transport, bike and bus,
Which made the camel driver cuss.

Joseph listened to the tale
And downed another can of ale.

Then Mary went and had a bathe
While Joseph showed us his new lathe

(Steve Tomkins thinks that Mary's chic
He's got the hots, says his critique)

An angel then put all things right
Which brings us to the scene last night.

Joseph's got a tax return
With a warning very stern,

"To the town of David's line
Go at once or face a fine."

They're ready now to hit the road
Can the donkey bear the load?

The trouble is, as off they go,
The Christmas traffic's always slow.
 

---

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