Thread: Scene 7: The Wise Men go to Herod Board: Nativity Play / Ship of Fools.
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Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on
:
Oops! Wrong King
So Mary and several random appendages are on the outskirts of Bethlehem. We think. Joseph shouldn't be far behind, having chosen the more luxorious way to travel. But what of our Wise Men? Where have they got to?
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on
:
Now it's time for our scene seven
Wise Men looking up to heaven
When we saw the Magi last
They were having quite a blast
They told the camels, "Take a hike"
It's much more fun to go by bike."
But of the star there is no sight
Because the street-lamps are so bright
The bus is lost and so are they
They don't know how to find the way.
But these Magi are most wise
They don't need signs from the skies.
To the palace they will go
Where the King lives, this they know.
How will Herod take this fact?
(Chances are, he'll over-act).
To Herod these are tidings dread.
He thought the King (that's Elvis) dead.
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
Sheep 3, whose coat has been plaited, tied with cerulean ribbons and had little jingle-bells attached (thanks to bee_of_good_cheer) wanders across the stage]
*jingle, jingle*
Baaaaaaaaaa.
*jingle, jingle*
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Now this is an intriguing scene
and how's it gonna go?
it'll really help the action
if those so-called wise men show...
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
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Well, what do you know?
The sky's obscured hiding star light
Do we know which way to go?
To see the king, left or right?
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
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Surprise surprise where can they be?
perhaps they're all at church?
but it's very unlike Alan
to so leave us in the lurch...
Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on
:
*stable cat wanders in, sits down in center stage and yawns*
yaaaarrrrrr......
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
In the lurch you are not left,
but of directions we are bereft.
If only we could see a star,
we'd know where to drive the car.
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
Within the tour bus, confusion reigns. It is unclear exactly how many wise men are on board. Shepherds, mute Lap Dancers, and various farm animals are puzzling over maps of Judea and gesticulating wildly at each other. If only someone could give them directions...
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
[Sheep 3 noses around the set, looking for something to eat]
*jingle*
*snuff*
*jingle*
Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on
:
[Fade-in: Helicoptor-camera-view careens across a desert landscape and then, catching a point of interest on the horizon, zooms in on what turns out to be a schoolbus yellow Hot Rod adorned with Joe Camel graphics roaring along a desert highway with dust plume splayed behind. The strains of ZZTop swells up and camera zooms in on the white bearded driver wearing blue-starry dunce cap and fashionably dark sunglasses. He is seen to be occasionally checking his rear-view mirror and mutters under his breath as he shakes his head.]
Blast. It's like herding cats. Impossible. I wonder where in Zorastor's name they might be?
[Hot rod careens onward, blithely swooshing past assorted cows, sheep, cats and other odd (for the desert) denizens.]
[Pulls out his combo-PDA/Cell phone and checks for messages]
Harumph. Can't even stay in touch. I've sent 4 e-mails asking where in the blue blazes they've got off too. I hope they remembered to turn left north of Damascus.
[New tune swells up: Damascus Highway]
Oi. Not a bad trip if they'd keep the sheep and Skoda's off the road ....
[Fade-out: Hot rod drives on]
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
And lo a figure wanders on
it's Wise Man 2, okay!
He's come to make the play more fun
while looking for the way.
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
In despair, Tour Manager punches the Emergency Number of the cell-phone which has been surreptitously tied to Sheep3's jingle bells on the reasoning that despite all constraints of time, space, and other people trying to catch it, it always lands in the middle of the action...
budebup budebup budebup
ring ring... ring ring...
I wonder if there will be a reply?
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Well this is a turn up for the book!
Most everyone is here!
And oh what little time it took!
They all deserve a beer!
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
[Sheep 3 stands, looking puzzled to suddenly find herself on the Tour Bus]
Baaaaa.
*jingle*
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
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Rudolph wanders through the meadow. Stops by the side of the road. Nose begins glowing.
Gee, it would be a shame to waste this thing. Surely there are some lost wise men on this road, looking for some kind of light to get somewhere.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Why all this fuss,
The directions are quite simple.
Turn right at Damascus
And stop at Salem's Temple.
Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on
:
[Fade-in establishing shot: Yello Hot rod adorned with Joe Camel graphics parked in the driveway (or is that: driven in the parkway? never mind.) at the Yerushalayem Hyatt. A valet is getting in to park it.]
[Dumbledore looking fellow with eagle feather accessorized dunce cap is standing at Reception, apparently checking in. He glances up to the desk person as he scratches items on the scroll before him.]
Oh... and by the way, do I have any messages?
DP: One moment sir, I'll check. [rifles through various sheepskin and papyrus faxes and sumerian clay telexes]
I'm sorry sir. There don't appear to be any messages for you.
CWM: Blast! Thanks. Well, in the event of a message, would you get it to me quickly, please. It's urgent.
DP: Oh yes sir. [DP reaches across for tastefully sized mallet and strikes a melodious gong]
Bellhop!
[A small army of bellhops collect up the various satchels, bags, luggage and such and follow CWM to the elevators.
Final shot of CWM followed by entorage of bellhops entering the President's Suite.
Fade to black.]
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
Urgh!
What's this? I thought ringing this number would ring the phone on Sheep3's coat where the action is, not teleport her aboard!!
What kind of gizmo is this anyway? Must be one of those wise men's gadgets... the one with the pointy ears, perhaps...
Maybe if I punch in another number, I can send her back...
(pauses to scrawl a note: "To Whom It may Concern. Please supply directions from us to you, via Ewe". Attaches same to sheep. Dials 1471 on communication device - sheep3 vanishes from Tour Bus in a satisfying blaze of light)
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
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Yay, as Wise Man 2 just said,
No need for all this tizz.
You only need an A-Z
Of wherever Herod is.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Have no fear,
we deserve a beer.
Until we see the guiding star,
We'll wait awhile in the bar.
Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on
:
[Fade-in establishing shot: CWM sitting at desk in Presidential Suite typing away at his Moabitech laptop model(-4)]
Esteemed Ancient Z-Colleagues:
Have arrived in Y; Have put in for an appointment with KH. Shouldn't take long. Don't know where you all are but will wait here and attempt to delay appointment until your arrival.
Hope you're having a safe trip and don't forget to stop and buy gifts.
Sincerely Yours,
CWM
P.S. The digs are bril. But the town is filling up for some reason. Don't dilly-dally more than necessary.
[Fade-out as CWM clicks the send button with his live, hand-held rodent.]
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
[Sheep 3 is dismayed to find herself back on the road to wherever that Donkey's hay bale was last seen]
Baaa. aa.
[She stands for a while, chewing her cud, and staring at nothing. After a while, she once again begins re-tracing her route back to the Skoda]
*jingle, jingle*
*trudge*
*jingle, jingle*
*trudge*
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
*trudge*
*jingle......................
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Oh Wise Man 2 don't go just yet,
don't tarry in that bar.
You 3 wise men have still not met,
at least don't stray too far.
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
(searches amidst all the high-tech equipment on the Bus and eventually discovers a moth-eaten (or is it sheep-eaten) A-Z of Bible Lands (With Full Colour Plates). Starts frantically turning pages just in case Sheep3 has been sent to Ursa Minor, or Outer Skoda)
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
I can see you'd like a place to meet,
A pub would suit the menu.
But if you can't find where the Palace is
How ya gonna find the the venue?
Posted by Understudy (# 3717) on
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I'm reeeaaaaddyyyy! Which costume do you want me to put on first? You're missing several wise men and a Herod - all last seen In The Pub. (No dedication some people ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
)
The Understudy.
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
Hmm, lets see…
Alexandria…. no, my library books are overdue
Babylon by Bus?… no, too full of weapons inspectors…
Croydon??? must be a misprint
Damascus! Ah, we turn right there, I think…
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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<Meanwhile, in Herod's Palace>
God... I'm sooooooo bored with pulling the legs off all my prisoners. My concubines just aren't thrilling me anymore, and my slaves have all been reduced to quivering wrecks and just aren't fun anymore.
I need some entertainment.
Ah, Henchman... fetch me that cat that so foolishly annoyed me earlier. And a blunt razor. Best bring some shaving foam too.
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Understudy:
I'm reeeaaaaddyyyy! Which costume do you want me to put on first? You're missing several wise men and a Herod - all last seen In The Pub. (No dedication some people )
The Understudy.
You get first choice. Suit up and I'll give you some appropriate props.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Understudy:
You're missing... a Herod
Are you plotting a revolution?
Surely even you can't be that stupid.
Just because I'm silent, doesn't mean I'm not listening, wench.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 is dismayed to find herself back on the road to wherever that Donkey's hay bale was last seen]
Baaa. aa.
[She stands for a while, chewing her cud, and staring at nothing. After a while, she once again begins re-tracing her route back to the Skoda]
*jingle, jingle*
*trudge*
*jingle, jingle*
*trudge*
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
*trudge*
*jingle......................
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on
:
Understudy, I see Herod's made an appearance. How about a Wise Person? A little extra intelligence couldn't hurt! ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
With AtoZ but still no star
We must drink up and be away
this trip cannot be much farther
we'll soon be there, OK?
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
Egypt. No, that's done by flight it seems…
Frankincense? Oh, that's a bit of gift wrap that's got pulled off somehow. Dratted sheep…
Hmm. Goshen, Harrod's Palace, ooh, fancy that… and It's… In… Jerusalem!!!
Here we go!!!
Sound of squealing tyres and occupants
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
Understudy, I see Herod's made an appearance. How about a Wise Person? A little extra intelligence couldn't hurt!
<Sotto voce>
But a little less intelligence would be almost impossible.
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
oh understudy, as we see
that Herod's lurking in the wings, O Bless.
But you can take your part, with glee,
We seem to be all starless... (again)
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Narrator:
But a little less intelligence would be almost impossible.
Probably the wisest line yet to be spoken... ![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 is dismayed to find herself back on the road to wherever that Donkey's hay bale was last seen]
Baaa. aa.
[She stands for a while, chewing her cud, and staring at nothing. After a while, she once again begins re-tracing her route back to the Skoda]
*jingle, jingle*
*trudge*
*jingle, jingle*
*trudge*
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
*trudge*
*jingle......................
[Sheep 3 suddenly feels a blast of icy-cold air.]
Baaa?
*jingle, trudge, jingle, trudge*
Posted by Understudy (# 3717) on
:
Should've checked the noticeboard first as what they really need is a Joseph
My time has come ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
Potters off to costume department and finds a pair of jim-jams, some flip flops, a large blanket, a towel and some bits of string ... And a lovely false beard
Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you The Understudy As Joseph
Unfortunately, the Understudy is so awe struck at actually being on a REAL stage At Long Last her sole contribution is to walk behind the Tour Manager and Mary and she doesn't utter a single word during the entire scene ![[Embarrassed]](icon_redface.gif)
But she does look extremely fetching and at least she doesn't knock over any scenery, trip over any sheep or give into the urge to drop kick the Stable Cat through the lighting rig
The Understudy is extremely grateful to the Musical Director for this opportunity ![[Love]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Wanders on to stage with mobile phone in one hand. Addresses audience.
Had some old buzzard phone me a few days ago, wanting an appointment with Herod, for him and a few mates. Said something about wanting to adore the King, and give him choice and costly presents. That'll put Herod in a good mood for a bit. Except now they look like they're going to be late, and Herod intensely dislikes unpunctuality.
Dials number on mobile and then begins talking into it.
Hello, is that the Chief Wise Man? It's the Evil Henchman here. You're going to be late. Herod distinctly dislikes unpunctuality. The last people to be late for an appointment took several months to die. You probably wouldn't like it. Where are you? You're lost??! Tell me where you are, and I'll text you directions.
Hangs up, and addresses audience thoughtfully once more.
Mind you they were very entertaining over those months. And they did make a good bonfire at the end of it all...
[And your spelling was entertaining to me as well...]
[ 15. December 2002, 21:48: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on
:
(The Tour Bus pulls up outside Harrod's Palace Shopping Emporium. Tour manager peers at the sign and back at the A-Z. Seeing the occupants of the Bus are somewhat restive, and glancing at the tachometer, he decides that discretion is the better part of valour)
OK everbody, here we are. All off now. Visit the palace while the sales are on, shop early for Christmas!
(As soon as the bus is empty he drives it to a secluded parking spot and collapses on his bunk deep within the darker recesses)
![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Slave boy runs up to her and relays Herod's order for the cat. She liberally doses some cat treats with sleeping potion, then puts them on the floor, and orders the slave boy to bring said razor and shaving foam. After a short while the cat warily enters the room (Evil Henchman is sat patiently and quietly in the corner), and eats the treats. Suddenly the cat collapses on the floor. Evil Henchman picks it up, takes the razor and shaving foam from the slave boy (who has just returned) and takes them in to Herod.
[Italics mended]
[ 15. December 2002, 21:49: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Understudy:
Unfortunately, the Understudy is so awe struck at actually being on a REAL stage At Long Last her sole contribution is to walk behind the Tour Manager and Mary and she doesn't utter a single word during the entire scene But she does look extremely fetching and at least she doesn't knock over any scenery, trip over any sheep or give into the urge to drop kick the Stable Cat through the lighting rig
Not sure we need a spare Joseph tonight. Since you're so stagestruck, could you possibly just do the Star thing? Like shine and point the way to wherever the majority of wise people and animals wish to travel?
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Sorry boss, cat's a bit dopey. Do you want to shave it while it's asleep or wait til it wakes up?
I have a harness if you want it live and scratching?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Why, thankyou, Henchman.
Remind me to pay you this month.
Now, here's the razor and the foam.
I want to see p-zaz, finesse and my name shaved into it's face.
Get on with it.
[ 15. December 2002, 21:50: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Ah, now things are making sense
A store to buy our frankenscence
If king of Harrods will concur,
We might even buy some Myrrh
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Oh wise men take care in this bit
you don't know how this story ends
but Herod is a massive Unpleasant Person
not into Influencing People and Making Friends
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
Since you're so stagestruck, could you possibly just do the Star thing? Like shine and point the way to wherever the majority of wise people and animals wish to travel?
<Sotto voce>
A star to guide the way? This bunch couldn't find the way to Herod if they had Sherpa Tensing to lead them.
[ 15. December 2002, 21:51: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Yay, understudy!
This is the stuff of sweetest dreams
That waiting in the wings can't mar.
For life's not always what it seems
You could go on & be a star
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dragon:
Herod is a massive Unpleasant Person
not into Influencing People and Making Friends
Hey! I resent that.
I am so into influencing people. Normally with the threat of severe pain, but it's the thought that counts.
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Rudolph's nose nose starts flickering, then goes out. Darn, battery's gone low again. Looks like I'll need a new bulb. Wanders down road. Sees a town ahead. Hmm, looks like some shops here, I'll see if I can find a red bulb here. Wanders into Harrod's.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Puts cat into harness - it is completely immobilised.
She reaches down for the small chainsaw hidden behind a chair, and revs it up. First she takes a long strip off the cat's back. Then she turns the tail fur into a series of spiky points. Turning off the chainsaw, she puts it down, and picks the razor up. Taking each leg in turn out of the harness, she shaves vertical stripes of fur from the leg, then replaces it into the harness. Pausing a moment, she considers her next move.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
When are my worshippers arriving, by the way?
You told me they were coming today.
<fingering sword>
You weren't lying to me, were you?
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on
:
uh, Understudy?
This is a stage direction for you. Please dress yourself in some tinsel and come shine!! Time's a-wasting!
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Perhaps the star’s a rare conceit
The meaning of life you ache to find
Perhaps that’s why the Magi struggle to meet
Perhaps that’s why they’re all trailing behind
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Evil henchman sends a slave boy to get some dollies clothes from Herod's toddler-age children. When slave boy returns, she dresses cat in a floral/paisley print dress, little white knitted booties, a pink woolly cardigan and fetching lime-green bonnet tied firmly under its chin. Cat is spitting, but cannot get the clothes off. Evil Henchman says:
Mr. Herod? I'm going to give the cat to your children to play with. They like playing dress up and dollies.
Evil Henchman exits stage right.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Mr. Herod? I'm going to give the cat to your children to play with. They like playing dress up and dollies.
Yes, they do.
Especially now that they're teething.
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Notice for all animal lovers re activities of SarkyHenchman
Please be advised that no animals were harmed in the making of this production
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
*trudge*
*jingle, jingle*
[Sheep 3 stops and attempts to bite off one of the cerulean bows holding on a jingle bell]
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Having purchased some presents
Wonders where King Harrod is
we should enter his presence
and be about our wise men biz
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
I bet that Herod’s dodgy rule
Would have our politicians blenching
I bet he’s prone to leer and drool
I bet he’s into sordid wenching
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Hey, is that someone knocking at the door of the Palace?
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dragon:
Notice for all animal lovers re activities of SarkyHenchman
Please be advised that no animals were harmed in the making of this production
*voice from offstage*
THEY WILL BE!
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
So Wise man 2’s been organised
And done some timely Xmas shopping
To have one for “Harrod” would be well advised
When he hears of the infant king, he’ll be hopping
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
I think it's probably time for a proper introduction.
Ahem:
Let me introduce myself, I'm Herod, King of the Jews.
(This is round about the time when the audience all boos,
But should you think of doing that, I can assure you, you'll all lose -
Don't think I'm joking, by the way, I have more than enough Thumb Screws.)
I'm mean, nasty and obtuse, and, in case you have forgotten,
I'm evil, an all-round bad egg - well and truly rotten.
But I think you'll find, beneath my kecks (100% cotton),
I have a very pert behind, the cutest little bottom.
I'm vain and rude (and good in bed). I am your original cad,
I know you love it, by the way, everyone loves a bit of bad.
Rich and powerful, that is me, isn't it so sad,
That the pure and good always lose out? Doesn't it make you mad?
You may applaud in adoration and worship now.
[Worship, but don't mention the spelling errors...]
[ 15. December 2002, 21:54: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
To see the king I have try-ed
But did not expect Al Fayed
(this rhyming's getting outrageous
do you think it is contagious?)
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Walks out of Harrod's with nose freshly glowing, and with book "Self Defense against evil twins and henchmen". You never know when this might come in handy.
Spots tour bus. Hmmm, where's this going, Rudolph wonders to self. Enters tour bus and finds an empty seat, and goes to sleep.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Applauds wildly. Wolf whistles.
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
So here’s old Herod swaggering on
With an attempt at Middle Eastern mystique
And when he has got all his blaggering done
At least we can admire his physique
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
*trudge, jingle....*
[Sheep 3 is very tired, and settles down for a nap]
Baaaa
*jingle*
Posted by The Star in the East (# 3751) on
:
*glows serenely, despite the mean theater critic who needs a good smack upside the head*
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Oh, it was Harrod but Herod we were to see
But where can that meeting be?
I would like to see another wise man or two
There's only so much shopping one bloke can do!
Posted by Sheep 1 (# 3671) on
:
Wanders in, wondering if the sound of jingling bells heralds food
Baaaa
Nestles up against Sheep 3, and starts nibbling her plaits
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Lo a star in Lyra
A sign that couldn't be much clearer
It's time to go find Herods palace,
even though it's filled with malice
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
So Wise Man 2 is a New Wise Man
Who has a little shop when time allows...
I wonder does he have a Further Cunning Plan
Or is he going to Selfridges to browse?
Posted by The Star in the East (# 3751) on
:
*continues glowing serenely while aiming a solar flare directly at the mean theater critic's head*
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Idlely begins gathering various instruments of torture into the throne room, ready for when the kigs arrive. Piles a few thumbscrews on a silver tray by Herod's throne. Covers the plush carpet with a clear plastic cover, so that the wise men don't to spoil it with blood and/or urine.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Getting bored now...
Fetch me some claret, and round up some plebs to boil in treacle.
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Wakes up.
Oh, what a nightmare. I dreamed I was with those wise guys again, going to see some evil king with some evil henchmen with all kind of instruments of torture.
But, good thing that was just a dream.
Goes back to sleep.
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
No, Wise Man 2’s decisive, he now knows what to do
He’s off to Herod’s Palace for a little interview
& if we’re very lucky, we’ll get the other wise men too...
I think the action just moved on, with leaden wings it flew...
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Stumbling out of 'The Crown' Hostelry, Bethlehem, pint mug in hand. He scans the sky, then looks dazed
Bloomin' 'eck, what's that up thar, a-shining in the sky?
I've seen somes shiners in me time, but that fair takes the eye!
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
In the back of the bus,
asleep since Damascus
Other wise men are
awoken by the light of the star
No longer must we tarry
Our quest to Herod we must carry
We must find the source of our news,
Where is born the king of the Jews?
But beware Magi
For Herod is Sagittari
He'll thus react with anger
at news he thinks shows a danger
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Evil Henchman is in the middle of rounding plebs up, when she hears a knock at the door. She sends one slave to answer it, another to take Herod some claret, whilst a third forms a chain gang of the plebs. She herself is busy heating treacle to well past boiling point. Every so often she tests it by shoving a slave's hand into the bubbling pot. Finally:
"Yep, that scream hit the right frequency; the treacle is hot enough."
She takes the treacle in to the throne room.
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
I s'pose I oughts to find me sheep
I wonders where they's bin?
I likes a drink from time to time
A beer, or p'raps a gin
I wonder wot's bin going on
While I've bin in me cups
'As that bird Mary 'ad 'er sprogs?
Did Gabriel turn up?
And wot's wiv all the foreign blokes
Who've moved into my town
I don't like folks from 'not round 'ere'
They really get me down!
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Rudolph! Rudolph!
Sheepy !
Sheepy!
(Why can't they bloomin well stay put? I've only bin gone a coupla scenes!)
Posted by Sheep 1 (# 3671) on
:
Bored of woolly sheep plaits, which are just SOOOO tasteless, Sheep 1 catches a scent of treacle (*think "ahh Bisto" for the effect*) and wanders off licking her lips in anticipation.
Innocently and unsuspectingly Baaaaa
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Careful how you go wise men
Cos “Harrod” bears a grudge
And if you put a foot wrong, then
He’ll turn you into fudge…
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(dashing in, drenced from head to foot, handlebars dangling aorund neck)
Sorry, had a bit of trouble on the road...
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
And wot's that bloomin bus doing 'ere?
*&^%$£ tourists!
B*&&^%$ off!
(Us country folks don't like no-one 'oos not LOCAL!!!)
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Wakes up again, wonders who's calling his name.
Climbs off tour bus, wanders off.
Baaaaa!
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
'Ere!
Is that one of my sheep 'eaded fer the palace?
Oh, 'eck!
E'll be in 'ot mint sauce if that 'Erod gets a 'old of 'im!
SHEEP!
COME BACK!
Posted by Sheep 1 (# 3671) on
:
quote:
(Us country folks don't like no-one 'oos not LOCAL!!!)
Wondering what all the fuss is about, there's no trouble here ...
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
So another Wise Guy we have got, well
That makes us very happy.
Now go & see the king who’ll throttle
Anything in a nappy…
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
Hey, Two, long time no see.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
We wise men two
approach Herods throne room
a mission to carry through
to ask what may be our doom
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
YAWN.
Are my adoring fans here yet?
I can't wait all day, y'know.
Things to do, places to sack, people to massacre.
[ 15. December 2002, 22:38: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Attempts to run uphill after errant sheep, something which he clearly has not attempted for some time. The effort causes him to spill his pint.
Oh, *&^%$£"! *&^% sheep!
Looks longingly back at the Inn, to see if it's worth going back for a refill. Looks at sheep, heading into the danger.
Well, I'm not the good shepherd, am I?
Returns to 'the Crown' for a 'quick one'.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(sticking out chin resolutely.)
Bring it on!
(Again starts to stride purposefully in wrong direction. Someone stop me.)
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Wanders toward a large palace. Wonders what this place is.
As he approaches the front door, Rudolph spots Wise Guy and Wise Man 2. Wise Guy spots Rudolph and smiles.
Oh, no, not these guys again! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Ruldoph runs behind building and hides.
Posted by The Star in the East (# 3751) on
:
*glows brighter in a valiant yet futile attempt to give proper directions to the wise men, who, being typical males, think that taking directions from anyone or anything else is a sign of wussydom*
oh, well
*amuses herself by aiming more solar flares at the critic's head*
Posted by Sheep 1 (# 3671) on
:
Smells spilt beer and decides that's much more appetising than hot treacle. Turns round and follows Chief Comic Shepherd towards "The Crown", little realising her near miss with Herod's mint sauce
Slurp
Baaaa
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(Spike Lee impression)
Baby baby please, baby please...
(Rushes after Rudolph, who I hope is entering Herod's court.)
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Starts filing nails to sharp points.
Herod's not gonna be happy...
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Hey wise man, this way
we can't be at this all the day
Herods already been waiting a long time
while everyone does speak in rhyme
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Wise Guy the way you need to find
Is towards “Harrod”’s throne room
Wise Man 2 can show you if he’s feeling kind
But is he going to his own doom?
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(to self)
Slow down, cowboy. Wanna get your heart broke twice?
(To Wise Man 2)
Well, I guess we gotta talk to the boss? Any idea what kind of mood he's in? hopefully not the usual.
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Spots Chief Comic Shepard and Sheep 1 heading into the Crown. Smells scent of ale in the air. Well, I could use a good pint right now, thinks to self, especially with the look Wise Guy's giving me.
Runs toward the Crown.
Baaaaa! Baaaaa! Baaaaa!
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
So the Chief Wise man out on the bike
Come and join the others straight
Cos to get onto the next bit is what we’d all like
And Herod will get angry if you’re late
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
To judge the mood of the king
Now that's a perilous thing
But if we are careful,
There seems no reason to be fearful
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Reluctantly leaves nice warm hostelry for a second time, this time with beer sensibly stashed in bottles slung about his person.
Right, off to find that dang sheep. Will they never blessed learn?
Sets off uphill, heading, somewhat unsteadily in a direction which averages out to be towards Herod's palace.
[ 15. December 2002, 22:41: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
Wise Guy may have to leave soon, so will ignore sheep and sundry in favor of higher goals
(storms toward Herod's chamber)
HEY! WE GOT NEWS FOR YOU!
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Begins heating some oil in preparation for the 'guests' arrival.
Posted by Sheep 1 (# 3671) on
:
Downing a pint in one and grabbing a quick slurp from Chief Comic Shepherd's pint whilst he's otherwise engaged chatting up the barmaid, Sheep 1 snuggles up to CCS and dozes off contentedly.
Baaaa ..... zzzzzzzzz ..... hic ..... zzzzz
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Falls over sheep, who are heading back to the Crown
*&^%$£!
'Ere I am, doin' my dooty, and I finds my sheep 'eading towards a pub!
Oo said they was stoopid, eh?
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Well finally the various wise men are meeting
But at least they have been on stage (and rhyming)
So as they now exchange their first keen greeting
We only can complain of their slow timing
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Effortlessly intercepts Wise Guy.
Hold up, who the heck are you? Herod doesn't see just anybody, you know.
Name, business, total gift value?
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
So, are we in the palace, or do I have to talk to some middleman first?
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
I reckons this beats sheepfolds in cold 'ills 'ands down!
From now on, I keeps these sheep 'ere in the pub!
(Wonders vaguely if this will complicate the scene where the shapherds see the angels....)
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Is it my imagination, or did some idiot just burst into my throne room without knocking?
It must be my imagination.
When I turn my chair round, there will surely be no-one there, and maybe I will hear a knock at my door in a few moments.
No-one has such low self-esteem to feel they deserve to die in the way I've just thought up, anyway.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
I'm relly, really hating my computer so much now....
Uh, hey, we're the Magi? You know, we advise and prophesy and things? We got a message. For the King.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
With no time to waste
We both to Herod make our way
For we must now in haste
Say what we have to say
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on
:
*decides 'Message In A Bottle' by the Police would be good. Or a drink in a bottle maybe...*
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Oh great king,
wonderous news we bring
For in the east we saw a star
That caused us to travel far
It was the source of great joy
For it announced the birth of a boy
This is thus the news we bring
there is a new born King
Where do we find this babe?
that all due homage may be made
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Lifts Wise Guy out of the throne room, and sets him on the cold marble floor of the waiting room.
Right you. Listen. Now. Do you want to die slowly and painfully, or will you do what you're bloody told? Herod is important; you are a worm to be squashed beneath his slave boy's shoe.
So,
Name?
Purpose of visit?
Value of gift you bring for Herod?
Wait for your 'friends', and I may let you all see Herod. If you bow enough.
Better start practising.
[ 15. December 2002, 22:48: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
'Ere, Rudolph, your round!
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(guessing I'm the idiot to whom Herod is referring)
Sorry for bursting in, Higness! But your'e gonna LOVE this!
We received a great portent that a king will be born today, and we're sure you'll want to go worship him with us! Come on, we got a bus and a bike, we'll squeeze you in somewhere!
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Grabs Wise Man 2 as well.
Yeah, you too smart arse.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(naturally I said all this dangling from midair as Henchman menaces me)
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Yes, Chief Shepherd, Rudolph is round...
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
<Calls from inside the Throne Room>
Are my worshippers here yet?
I want presents.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
(To audience:)
Oh shoot. They're jabbering about some 'new king' and how they want to worship him. Herod is not gonna be pleased.
(To Wise Guy and Wise Man 2:)
So, um, a new king? What do you mean?
[Puritanical whinger is back]
[ 15. December 2002, 22:52: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
If the king we cannot see
the local priest it'll have to be
Perhaps they can inform
where the child is to be born
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Oo arr, dragon, old mate!
Never saw you there!
Wot you drinkin' then?
Hopes dragon doesn't want anything too flammable - that's why we can't drink in the 'Bird in Hand' any more....
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
If the king we cannot see
the local priest it'll have to be
Perhaps they can inform
where the child is to be born
Looks puzzled.
But Herod's wife isn't pregnant. And none of his latest shags are either - they were all rubbish, so he killed them. So what child?
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(Wise guy passes out in fright at sudden realization of future likely torture.)
Here's the deal--a family member just had the gall to ask me to pick them up at the airport. The nerve. Anyway, I will run and do so and be back as soon as possible; in the meantime do with my limp body as you will. No, I mean that. I'll deal with it.)
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
<From in the Throne Room>
What's the hold up?
Where's my adoration?
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
His star we have seen
it lights the sky with it's great beam
To tell the world the great news,
there is a new king for the Jews!
We have travelled far
come all this way to worship
led by that same star,
by bike and bus and Ship
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dragon:
Careful how you go wise men
Cos “Harrod” bears a grudge
And if you put a foot wrong, then
He’ll turn you into fudge…
( The lights in a nearby bookshop flicker on. It is a samll but charming second hand bookshop, piled high with papyri and scrolls. The inviting smell of proper coffee and cakes drifts across the stage. The light of the Star picks out a sign "ANGEL 3 Book Emporium". Underneath another sign flashes ominously "Special Offer - "Herod the Great - pychopath or lovable rogue?" by A. Nonn. 2 Denarii, with 10% off for Wise Men". The Proprietor steps out into the street.)
Hello, Dragon! You and I must get together and swap wing care tips sometime soon.
This publishing game's a trial let me tell you. None of my best selling authors can write and the ones that can write don't sell.
Dragon, you're obviously a literary type. What do you think of my - er A. Nonn's insightful guide to Herod? Let me read you the blurb:
"Herod the Great - what's behind the slave boiling and the cat shaving? A.Nonn's insighful unauthorised biography takes us to Herod's miserable childhood in Rome, where he toiled as an infant bookstand for the Emperor Augustus.
During an adolescence tortured by pimples and self-abuse, Herod dreamed of treading the boards and of willing co-stars (of all persuasions). Instead, mockery and rejection were his fate.
In his later years, as King of Judea, Herod became renowned for his Saturday night slave BBQ's and sausage sizzles. Obscenely rich and completely amoral, there was no aging widow's mite he would not pocket, no orphan's ice lolly he would not steal. Will it be a Bad End for Judea's favourite bully boy?
Praise for "Herod the Great - pyschopath or lovable rogue?"
"A thumping lusty yarn full of ripped bodices and petty theft." Judean Chronicle
"Short and nasty. The book's good, but." Nazareth Inquirer"
Now how about a macchiato and a slice of orange and almond cake? No calories, you know. I have a second hand biography of St George...O no please don't cry. That's better!
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
Hang in there, Two! See you in about a half hour!
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
<Yada yada, 'inside', yada, 'throne room' yada yada>
What's that about the King of the Jews?
That's me.
Send them in.
I'm bored.
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on
:
Meanwhile, back at the pub
Bartender, a round of Killian's Red, please.
I figure we could all use some comic relief right now.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
We have come to offer adoration
to the true King of this nation
As my friend is clearly sleeping,
I must now do all the speaking.
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep:
Meanwhile, back at the pub
Bartender, a round of Killian's Red, please.
I figure we could all use some comic relief right now.
OY! You knows I drinks Old Peculiar. Don't you be plying me with foreign beers!
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
We have come to offer adoration
to the true King of this nation
As my friend is clearly sleeping,
I must now do all the speaking.
Well, don't take too long about it.
You can choose between bowing, praising, kissing or some combination of all three.
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
Look, it really would be a good idea if you read my book about Herod first! Tell what sort of painful death to expect and that sort of thing. Failing that, I offer consultancy services and cut-price funerals.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Now to save us all some time,
This will not be said in rhyme
Herod, king of Judea, my colleagues and I are Magi from the east - astrologers and interpreters of signs. We saw in the night sky a wonderous thing, a star announcing the birth of one who is to be King and Priest over all the Jews, who will bring greatness to his people and peace to the world. We have travelled far to worship him. We expected him to be here in Jerusalem, among your own house. But we have been informed that this is not the case, and we are deeply perplexed about this. For where apart from the kings own family could a king be found?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
What's this angel doing in here?
Shoo.
I'm still waiting for my adoration, by the way.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Gives nod to trumpeter, who plays a fanfare. Evil Henchman announces:
The Wise Men.
Pushes them through the door, and to their knees before Herod. Lurks menacingly by the side wall.
[ 15. December 2002, 23:05: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Thanks Angel 3 but I suspect
that you but take the pith
so I'll stick with a beer instead
down the pub with Mith
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Great king, if I may be so bold, this King we seek is the one we will adore, and him only. And, if I may be bolder yet, this same King is also ruler over all including your majesty - indeed it is you who should offer homage to him.
If you do not know where he may be found, do you know anyone who could give us a clue. For if he is not here, we must seek him out and worship him.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
Herod, king of Judea, my colleagues and I are Magi from the east - astrologers and interpreters of signs. We saw in the night sky a wonderous thing, a star announcing the birth of one who is to be King and Priest over all the Jews, who will bring greatness to his people and peace to the world.
Yup. That's true.
quote:
We have travelled far to worship him.
As you should.
Ooh, Presents? For me?
You really shouldn't have.
quote:
We expected him to be here in Jerusalem, among your own house.
Quite.
quote:
But we have been informed that this is not the case, and we are deeply perplexed about this. For where apart from the kings own family could a king be found?
WHAT???
I think you'll find that I am King of the Jews.
Oh, and "Presents? For me?
You really should have." Really.
Right. You three stooges best wait here.
I'm off to consult my advisors.
Don't touch anything.
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
What's this angel doing in here?
Shoo.
I'm still waiting for my adoration, by the way.
Well, actually I can think of a couple of other places where Kings abound. Deck of playing cards, for one. But seriously, I am an observer sent by the Almighty, the Blessed One. "Shoo" is not in my vocabulary.
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Relieved that Dragon doesn't want meths like last time
Pint of Old Bethlehem Peculiar, Dragon, old mate?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Henchman!
Get me some advisors, scribes and priests.
Apparently, I am being usurped.
Find out where this imposter is being born.
Oh, and do it NOW!!!
Thanks ever so much.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Notices one of the annoying lazy blokes who can read, and normally sits round reading the old scrolls, is going somewhat pink, and squirming. Wanders over, grabs him and demands to know what said bloke is wanting to say. Said bloke whispers in Henchman's ear. Henchman makes 'uh-oh' face, and goes to Herod to whisper in his ear.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
(Whispers to Herod:)
King Herod, this scribe says he thinks he's read about this in a scroll in the third library. I'll take him and some of the priests etc, and find it.
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Notices one of the annoying lazy blokes who can read, and normally sits round reading the old scrolls, is going somewhat pink, and squirming. Wanders over, grabs him and demands to know what said bloke is wanting to say. Said bloke whispers in Henchman's ear. Henchman makes 'uh-oh' face, and goes to Herod to whisper in his ear.
It will all end in tears before bedtime.
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
A peculiar pint would be just the thing
with a head of foaming froth
I'll watch the action developing
From that nice warm pub with Moth...
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
Wait a moment..."scrolls" "third library". I think I sold them that. Well, it's either an unpleasant shock for Herod or time to inflict a severe case of silverfish on the library.
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
In a nice, conversational tone to the Dragon and the sheep
Oh, yes, it's ever so quiet 'ere. Nothing never 'appens 'ere. This census nonsense 'as been a bit of a bother whispers foreigners!
But otherwise, quiet as the grave.
Mind you, I'll be asking old Levi down the temple to 'ave a word with the Almoighty about that new star. Right pain, that is! P'raps we can get it moved?
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dragon:
A peculiar pint would be just the thing
with a head of foaming froth
I'll watch the action developing
From that nice warm pub with Moth...
We'll do the cake and coffee thing some other time then.
Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on
:
Meanwhile, back on the hills...Brrr. Freezing out here. The winter's very deep this spring. Think I'll sneak off down t'Crown while no one's looking.
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
[Sheep 3 wakes up, notices city lights (and a smell of something that might be edible) and starts walking again]
*trudge*
*jingle,jingle*
Baaaaaaaaa.
*jingle*
*trudge*
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
Meanwhile, back on the hills...Brrr. Freezing out here. The winter's very deep this spring. Think I'll sneak off down t'Crown while no one's looking.
'E needn't think I'm buying 'im a pint. Upstart!
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Evil Henchman returns gingerly carrying an old and dusty looking parchment, and followed by an assortment of worried men, their robes denoting their occupation. She approaches Herod, and converses briefly with him. Worried men look more worried.
Yes, they say the place is called Bethle-checks scroll quickly-hem, and it's in Judah. It's a tiny little place, scrolls say one of the Jews' kings, David? was born there way back when.
But the Wise Men are right, the scrolls say a new king will be born there. He'll rule your people, and be bigger and more powerful than you.
Worried men try to slink away and fade into the background.
What shall we do sir?
Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on
:
Spots Sheep 3 en route to pubHey, sheepy! Over here.
Grabs sheep and takes it into pub, to sound of bleating and jinglingBarman, usual please, and a pint of Fosters for the sheep (it'll never notice)
Hmmm, warm in here...
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Right.
First, we shall keep very calm.
Then we shall pour a strong whisky.
<goes to drinks' cabinet>
Hmm... WHERE'S MY BLOODY WHISKY???
Oh, here.
<Drinks from bottle>
Right.
Now, we must go and talk to the Three Tenors.
Follow me.
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
Yes, well, I was under orders from Upstairs not to plague the library with silverfish,on the basis that the scroll's important for Herod's character development.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Follows Herod, fingering her dagger.
[ 15. December 2002, 23:41: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Pointedly ignores Deputy Chief Shepherd.
Ferret? Isn't that just a small weasel?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
<Re-enters Throne Room>
Ah, my good men, I trust I didn't keep you waiting too long.
Can I get anyone a drink?
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
<Re-enters Throne Room>
Ah, my good men, I trust I didn't keep you waiting too long.
Can I get anyone a drink?
Yes, please. Sakatini, with a lychee on a stick, barkeep.
[ 15. December 2002, 23:41: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Certainly.
Henchman, please get the nice angelic-being a drink.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Grabs one of the worried men. Huddles with him in a corner. A low-voiced conversation ensues, with the odd word being audible.
Tiny.....census......be lots......can't move with baby......search for.......star's...moving...while...
Evil Henchman orders slave to summon several guards quickly.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
Um, nothing for me thanks. I've obviously had too much since I'm seeing angels in here. And my colleague here is still unconsious it seems.
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
Spots Sheep 3 en route to pubHey, sheepy! Over here.
Grabs sheep and takes it into pub, to sound of bleating and jinglingBarman, usual please, and a pint of Fosters for the sheep (it'll never notice)
Hmmm, warm in here...
[Sheep 3 sniffs at the Fosters, gives a shake]
*jingle, jingle, jingle*
[A couple of the cerulean ribbons fly off]
*sshhllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppp*
*jingle*
Baa-AAA-aaaa....a..aaa...
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Ah well, probably very sensible.
Wouldn't want to endorse drinking and driving now, would we?
Cigar?
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Slightly puzzled as to Herod's new plan, Evil Henchman gets the angel a drink.
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Yes, luvly quiet little place, this is...
And Dragon....Dragon...
you're my best mate!
I mean it, Dragon, I reeeely do.....
Hugs Dragon, weeping piteously
Posted by Dragon (# 3669) on
:
Oh Moth when I behold this play
I think that I could die
My inner fortitude gives way
And I too want to cry
weeps copiously into pint
Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on
:
Spots Chief Comic Shepherd and wooly friends around the fire (or is it a dragon?)
Hey, Chief. So you came in here out of the cold too?
Have you read today's Daily Snail? Seems there's a scroll in Herod's library with a secret code. If you take every fourth letter excluding the word "sheep" then it predicts the future.
I can't remember it all but there was something about Evil Henchman Kill Sheep and then it goes into some ridiculous story about a heavenly host whatever one of those is.
Sheep twitch nervously
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
:
A cigar? Why not.
It'll have archaeologists puzzling for millenia how you got hold of the tobacco mind
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Slightly puzzled as to Herod's new plan, Evil Henchman gets the angel a drink.
Ah, thank you, Evil Henchman. (Takes a swig of Sakatini) The arsenic's a novel touch - speciality of the house I suppose. Still, you barmen and your secret recipes, eh? Can you make a Zombie for my friends the Magi?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Now, I've been chatting to my advisors - wonderful people, you know, most helpful - and they have some information about where this child prodigy will be born.
That's right, isn't it, henchman?
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
:
Ferret, I'm sorry I said you was a weasel! I love you too, you're my mate you are!
Stumbles over assorted sheep to Deputy Chief Shepherd, and falls into his arms.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
:
(Mumble, snort, grumble)
Hmmm? Whazzup?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Ah, nice of you to join us, Wise Guy.
Sleep well?
Can I get you a coffee?
Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Comic Shepherd:
Ferret, I'm sorry I said you was a weasel! I love you too, you're my mate you are!
Errr. Yes chief.Thinks: I'm still not getting the next round in. It's about time you put your hand in your pocket, skinflint.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Fixes Zombies for those of the Wise Men who are drinking, and cokes for those who aren't.
Yes Herod sir, they determined that the babe shall be born in Bethlehem, a little town in Judea.
Steps over to other guards and murmurs:
He's taking it rather well, isn't he? What's he planning?
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on
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Being a little tired and emotional, Chief Comic Shepherd passes out. Deputy Chief Shepherd is left holding him up, and minding three inebriated sheep.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
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Psst, Wise Guy, I think we might actually walk out of here alive. He took the news quite badly at first, I thought we were gonners for sure. But he seems to be in a much better mood after speaking ot his advisors.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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They're not gonna torture us?
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
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It seems not. He had a talk with his advisors. Apparently there's a prophecy that the King we're looking for, apparently he's called the Annointed One - Messiah in their language, Christ in Greek. A very important chap it seems; God Incarnate, Saviour of the World all that sort of stuff. Impressed Herod no end it seems. He's born in Bethlehem it seems, a small town not far from here.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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So, you see, the little tyke's to be born in Bethlehem.
My only problem is, what with the census et al, I'm too busy to come along with you for the visit. As I'm sure you're aware - oh, excuse me.
<To henchman>
Onion
<Henchman passes Herod an onion. Herod peels it>
Ah, now where was I?
Oh yes, <sniff> As I'm sure you're aware, I love children, and it breaks my heart that I can't go and visit this one <sniff>.
Please, once you've found him, do come back and let me know. That way I can go to the baby shower too. I'd love to be able to bump him of- er, I mean 'worship' him too.
Oh, could you just take this present of freshly prepared babyfood for him too? I made it myself.
<Hands Wisemen a jar>
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Whispers to Herod:
We're not gonna torture them?
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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I dunno, he's being a little too nice.
"No coffee for me, thanks."
Uh, Twoie? better watch our backs.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Wise Guy:
I dunno, he's being a little too nice.
But I am nice!
Ferrero Roche anyone?
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
:
Whispers to Herod again:
Boss, you don't want to worship him. He's gonna take your place. And if he's all wussy and up for peace and that, then I'll be out of a job. We need to kill him, not adore him.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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Oy gevalt, you could be Adolph freaking Hitler and I'd take Ferraro-Rocher out of your hand
Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on
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[Enters stage right carrying a tray with pot of tea and assorted cakes and pastries. Exits stage left, still carrying aforementioned tray.]
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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But Herod, with these chocolates you are really spoiling these wise men.
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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(watches passerby 3)
How many people are they buttering up tonight?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Wise Guy:
Oy gevalt, you could be Adolph freaking Hitler...
You're too nice! Tell me more!
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Wise Guy:
They're not gonna torture us?
<stage whisper>
<No, it'll be sweet.>
Herod, you'll join me in another Sakatini? Sans arsenic, of course.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
Herod, you'll join me in another Sakatini? Sans arsenic, of course.
Why not?
Henchman, will you be joining us?
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
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Whispers to Wise Guy .... Yeah I don't quite trust him myself. Let's get out of here while the goings good .....
Oh great king Herod, you are indeed wise to remain here at the seat of government during this potentially troublesome time. Your loyal and devoted subjects don't deserve the great kindness you do to them by blessing them with your presence.
We will do as you suggest, and find this infant to worship him. And then we shall send you word so that you to may worship him without wasting too much of your valuable time in the search. We will be off now, and start our search in Bethlehem.
exits sedately, but quickly, backwards out the door
Posted by Angel 1 (# 3661) on
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Me too!
NOW
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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Rocher and Sakatini. I'm beginning to warm up to this guy...
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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Now now, angel number one.
Patience is a virtue.
Will gin do?
I hear that's what they drink up there.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Uh, Boss. I'm not sure they'll tell us where the baby is. That Wise Man 2 looked a bit suspiciously at us.
What if they double cross us?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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Oh, have all the wise men gone?
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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Wait, what are the angels doing boozing it up?
You're supposed to protect us while we are riding under the influence.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Moves away from Herod and attempts to smile nicely. Fails. Shrugs and pours drinks for those who are staying.
So, Angels, what brings you here?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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My good friend, the Wise Guy here wouldn't do that to me.
After all, it'd only hurt the baby not receive a king's blessing, wouldn't it?
Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Chief Comic Shepherd:
Being a little tired and emotional, Chief Comic Shepherd passes out. Deputy Chief Shepherd is left holding him up, and minding three inebriated sheep.
[To sheep:] Right, ladies. Time to get back to the pasture. And if you're very good I might let you use the new sheep dip in the morning.
[Exits pub, leaving the snoring Chief Comic Shepherd propped up against the Dragon]
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
Oh, have all the wise men gone?
(As Paleolithic computer screws me up again)
Yeah, are we off then?
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Wise Guy:
Rocher and Sakatini. I'm beginning to warm up to this guy...
<Stage whisper to Wise Men>
<Fill your pockets, boys and drink up.It's time to go.>
Oooh - chocolate! And here was I looking for rice crackers and peanuts. Mind you, tapas or maybe some canapes would go down well.
Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on
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Wise Guy, I think the Chief Wise Man has rooms at the Yerushalayem Hyatt - I reckon we should head there to fill him in. All that grovelling to Herod has worn me out, I can't even think up any good rhymes. I need to sleep, perchance to dream .....
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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(raises glass in response to Herod's friendly glance)
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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(following 3's example and stealing loads of chocolate and a bottle of saki)
I'm right behing ya, Twoie!
Jeez, I hope the load of us don't shove everyone else out of the Hyatt.
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Moves away from Herod and attempts to smile nicely. Fails. Shrugs and pours drinks for those who are staying.
So, Angels, what brings you here?
Well, I'm rather fond of cocktails and nibbles. Angel 1 likes a tipple too. A little light conversation, agreeable company, dinner and dancing afterwards - makes for such a pleasant evening don't you agree?
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Leans against wall with foot stuck out, waiting for a Passer-By.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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Right, they've gone.
Everybody out.
Go! Now!
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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Never mind, I got my foreshadowing all mixed up...
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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So, boss, what's the plan?
WHy do you want to go and worship this little baby? He'll take your throne and power and stop us having fun and torturing people and being generally cruel and vicious.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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Oh, god...
Are you really that dim?
Once we know where it is, we can kill it.
It's really very simple.
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Kill it? I can do killing. That's easy.
But um, what if they don't tell us where it is? That Wise Man 2 looked shifty at the end.
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
Right, they've gone.
Everybody out.
Go! Now!
Charming evening, Herod - we must do it again sometime. Now if I could interest you in my book...so good for sales to have an endorsement from the subject. No? Some other time. Must dash! Angel 3 saunters off. Over her shoulder she says meaningfully)
I know how it all ends, you know!
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
Now if I could interest you in my book...
I feed salesmen to Tiddles, my pet Tiger.
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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They will tell us. Have faith.
Now, I think I'll go inspect my plebs a la treacle.
<Wanders off singing>
#Come, I heard them say, bar rup a pom pom,
A new born king to slay, bar rup a pom pom...#
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
Now if I could interest you in my book...
I feed salesmen to Tiddles, my pet Tiger.
(Disembodied laughter can be heard from offstage.)
I have only two words for you, Herod. "Worms" and "todger".
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
I have only two words for you, Herod...
Funny, that.
I have two words for you too.
Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on
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[Enters stage left still carrying a tray with pot of tea and assorted cakes and pastries. Exits stage left safely, continuing to carry aforementioned tray.]
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Sharpens sword in corner, whistling merrily.
Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on
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[Realises should have exited right, and does so, muttering the word 'Arse' under breath]
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on
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Sees cat shoot past the open door. Said cat has a few clumps of fur left on its body. Its right ear is missing, and the left one is chewed. It also has icicles hanging from its stomach, whilst its tail skin has burn marks. Evil Henchman muses to herself:
Hmmm, kids haven't done too badly there. Their methods are clumsy and not too refined. Still, they're young, they have time to learn.
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on
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[Sheep 3, still adorned with plaits, cerulean ribbons and tiny jingle bells, finds herself outdoors somewhere, no shepherd to be seen.]
Baaa-hic-aaaaa.
*jingle*
[She lies down center stage front and goes to sleep]
Baa.....HIC....baa.aa.a....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on
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[Fade-in to Presidential Suite at the Hyatt. WM2 and WG burst into the room where CWM is prone on the floor next to the mini-bar, many little empty bottles of booze strewn about.]
Huh? Err, what's going on?
[CWM attempts to raise himself from the floor. ]
Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on
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(Chomping on a handfull of Cheetos and watching Changing Rooms marathon on BBCIsrael)
Hey, Chief!
Note: for the sake of continuity, I should probably be in the bus from now on. My excuse for being late was trashing my bike.
Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on
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Man; that was a bender ...
OH! You're here!
I need to call that Evil Henchman guy and figure out when we can get an appointment to see the king.
[and don't you mean RBCIsrael?]
Posted by Stable Cat (# 3657) on
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*stable cat looks down on hallucinating evil henchman from perfectly safe perch in rafters.*
mrrrrrttt?
*odd creatures, humans....*
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on
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Jedi Knight sits beside Stable Cat in the rafters keeping a wary eye on Evil Henchman.
JK's lightsaber is ready for whatever necessary battle.
Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on
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(Angel 6, relieved from flaming-sword duty at the Entrance to the Garden of Eden -- and gratified by a first-class upgrade for the trip back, complete with Courvoisier -- returns just in time to substitute Ex-Lax for Herod's chocs. Most gratifying results ensue.)
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on
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Oooh! Angel 6! I like how you think!
Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on
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High five, JK!
Angel 6, still a little high on incense from this morning's Solemn Mass at St. Mary the Virgin, and glad to be home.
Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on
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EXT. YERUSHALEM HILTON - NIGHT
A low-slung black limousine camel SCREECHES around the corner and pulls up to the front entrance portico in a cloud of dust.
A hefty TORPEDO in pin-striped robes, burnoose, and sunglasses jumps off, looks over the area intently.
PHIL THE WISE GUY jumps out of the saddle and runs up the front stairs, elbowing aside the DOOR EUNUCH.
PHIL: "Outta my way, fat boy!"
EUNUCH: "Oooh! Oooh! You're one to talk!"
INT. CHIEF WISE MAN'S SUITE - NIGHT
A furious POUNDING is heard on the door. CWM struggles to his feet, falls back, scrabbles about a bit trying for traction on the slick tiles, and settles for crawling to the door.
He throws it open to reveal...NORMA DESMOND!
NORMA: "I'm ready for my close-up now, Mr. De--"
CWM: "OI! YOU! Wrong door!"
With a shriek Norma yanks the door shut!
Suddenly, the French patio doors open and Phil the Wise Guy strides in.
PHIL: "OK you mugs, lissen up; I wuz meetin' wit' some of my...uh...family here in town, discussin' a, uh, "business venture," and word's out onna street dat Herod's gonna double-cross us. He's got his mini-onions casin' for us. We gotta take a powder on dis pop stand, toot sweet, and hook up wit da baby Jesus."
Phil opens his robe to show a glittering Thompson .45 caliber sword hanging from his sash.
PHIL: "An' if he wants ta play us a tune, I got da harmonica!"
Posted by Understudy (# 3717) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Herod:
quote:
Originally posted by Understudy:
You're missing... a Herod
Are you plotting a revolution?
Surely even you can't be that stupid.
Just because I'm silent, doesn't mean I'm not listening, wench.
You could be wrong about that ... and I'm shallow too. But I do have a pretty face, a pleasiing voice and nice tits ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Assorted Strings (# 3652) on
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Flippin' 'eck - it's gonna take me ages to catch up with all the action!
Anyhow, anyone for a song?
Posted by angel 5 (# 3696) on
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Can we sing this one, right in front of Herod?
ickle donkey ickle donkey
on the dusty road
go to keep on plodding on wards
wiv your heavy load....
![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
Posted by Camel driver (# 3655) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by angel 5:
Can we sing this one, right in front of Herod?
ickle donkey ickle donkey
on the dusty road
go to keep on plodding on wards
wiv your heavy load....
Never mind the blinkin' donkey: what have you done with my camels? I left strict instructions for their care, and here you are in the blinkin' Hyatt Hilton - why aren't they in the suites with you? Did you leave them with that spotty parking attendant, who'll be racing them round the car park with his mates?
Honestly, you go off-line for a couple of days and... [mutters as he exits]
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by angel 5:
Can we sing this one, right in front of Herod?
ickle donkey ickle donkey
on the dusty road
go to keep on plodding on wards
wiv your heavy load....
Certainly.
If you wish my Henchman to give you an enema with a spoon, that is.
Posted by Spare Shepherd (# 3690) on
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Meanwhile, on a hillside near Bethlehem, some shepherds are gazing at the stars. One of them is obviously an Australian.....
"Crikey, youse bloody sheep- bloody hell, watch those teeth!"
She creeps up behind one, pounces on it, and wrestles it to the ground. Holding it firmly, she turns her head and beams in the direction of any stray camera that may be around.
"Crikey, stone the bloody crows, this animal is a mighty tough one, and dangerous- kids, don't you go roughing up any sheep you find out in the Australian outback. Leave it to me, roight?"
The other shepherds groan in unison. Years of working with the Spare Shepherd have taught them the folly of politely trying to get the Steve Irwin -wannabe to shut up. Does she not realise that sheep are a far cry from crocodiles, and ancient Israel a miliion light years away from Discovery and the National Geographic Channels and the Bush in far-off Oz? No. She doesn't. So they beat her up, in a firm but kindly fashion, with their shepherds' crooks.
"Kids, don't try that at home. Crook injuries may hurt."
Posted by Assorted Strings (# 3652) on
:
quote:
posted by Herod:
If you wish my Henchman to give you an enema with a spoon, that is.
Is that physically possible?
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on
:
Want to find out?
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on
:
OK. Let’s see if you can follow the storyline this time
Mary got text-ed by a heavenly host,
Who said she’d conceive by God’s Holy Ghost
Though she was hesitant Joseph to tell
With the aid of an angel it took it quite well.
To Bethl’em Mary on a donkey’s back rode
Jo took a limo – he’s such a toad.
Wise men were told, “Just let the star lead”.
(A GPS system’s more what they need).
Herod they questioned, “Where is the King?
A star has foretold of this wondrous thing.”
But Herod’s a wicked, malevolent man.
With the aid of a henchman he’s thought up a plan.
He told the wise men to seek the King out
And when they have found him, to give him a shout.
Herod’s determined the baby to kill
I fear that the story will turn out most ill.
The tension’s so hard I hardly can wait
To see what develops, next, in scene eight.
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