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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Man on a bridge
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Simon
Editor
# 1
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Posted
This joke submitted by Elijah Fart:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
Poll information
This poll contains 2 question(s). 172 user(s) have voted.
You can't view the results of this poll without voting.
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Eternal memory
Posts: 3787 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2001
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Marvin the Martian
Interplanetary
# 4360
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Posted
Brilliant! ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Puts me in mind of the Monty Python "Judaean Popular People's Front? Splitters!" gag. How often do people seem to count differences within their own denomination as more serious than differences between denominations?*
*= rhetorical question ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Hail Gallaxhar
Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003
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radclyffe hall
Shipmate
# 4560
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Posted
as a former brethren I find this joke painfully truthful
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I have the blues badder than a blind, bald, one-legged man sitting alone on a Mississippi veranda nursing a three-string guitar, an empty bottle of Jack Daniel's and a grudge
Posts: 247 | From: the mysterious east | Registered: May 2003
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The Scrumpmeister
Ship’s Taverner
# 5638
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Brilliant!
Puts me in mind of the Monty Python "Judaean Popular People's Front? Splitters!" gag. How often do people seem to count differences within their own denomination as more serious than differences between denominations?*
*= rhetorical question
Understanding that it is a rhetorical question, I shan't answer, but it seems sensible.
People are less likely to be offended by a separate group with a separate name, holding views different from their own, than they are by a group claiming their own name holding different views. The responses to andreas1984 in Hell at the moment form a prime example of this. The upset is being caused to other Orthodox shipmates by the fact that, as an Orthodox Christian, andreas1984 is putting forth arguments that some of the other Orthodox shipmates see as being contrary to Orthodoxy. If he were putting forward the same views as a member of another denomination, they probably wouldn't be too bothered.
And yes, these jokes do seem to be getting better. I was actually rather tickeld by this one.
[ 05. July 2005, 10:40: Message edited by: Back-to-Front ]
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If Christ is not fully human, humankind is not fully saved. - St John of Saint-Denis
Posts: 14741 | From: Greater Manchester, UK | Registered: Mar 2004
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Boreal
Shipmate
# 9550
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Posted
It reminds me of the episode of Cheers where Kelly and Woody nearly split up over their Lutheran common divide with each other.
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I think that God, in creating Man, somewhat overestimated His abilities. - Oscar Wilde
Posts: 376 | From: Deepest, eastest Maine. | Registered: May 2005
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Adam.
Like as the
# 4991
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Posted
Interesting: I found this one neither offensive nor funny. I suppose that might be because I don't really have much experience of this kind of bickering.
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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog
Posts: 8164 | From: Notre Dame, IN | Registered: Sep 2003
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Wet Kipper
Circus Runaway
# 1654
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Posted
THe only offensive bit to me is that the Narrator actually pushes the man off the bridge
had the narrator said "go ahead and jump, heretic scum," and walked away then all offence is removed.
changes from the narrator being a potential murderer, to simply not caring
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- insert randomly chosen, potentially Deep and Meaningful™ song lyrics here -
Posts: 9841 | From: further up the Hill | Registered: Nov 2001
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GreyFace
Shipmate
# 4682
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Posted
I was thinking the same thing, B2F.
Posts: 5748 | From: North East England | Registered: Jul 2003
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
The narcissism of small differences. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Esmeralda
Ship's token UK Mennonite
# 582
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Posted
I find all suicide jokes rather double-edged, especially jumping ones, being the sister of a suicide who jumped.
That said, it is rather funny. I just think before telling a suicide joke, you need to know whether the person you're telling it to has a sensitivity to this subject.
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I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.
http://reversedstandard.wordpress.com/
Posts: 17415 | From: A small island nobody pays any attention to | Registered: Jun 2001
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AdamPater
Sacristan of the LavaLamp
# 4431
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
That said, it is rather funny. I just think before telling a suicide joke, you need to know whether the person you're telling it to has a sensitivity to this subject.
I don't think I can agree with that. The essence of good humour is shared pain - the very best of all humour combines both laughter and tears. The caution isn't whether the other person might have some sensitivity, but whether their sensitivities are radically different from one's own.
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Put not your trust in princes.
Posts: 4894 | From: On the left of the big pink bit. | Registered: Apr 2003
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El Greco
Shipmate
# 9313
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Posted
When I read it a few months ago online, it ended with "Die Godless Heretic", which is more hilarious IMHO.
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Ξέρω εγώ κάτι που μπορούσε, Καίσαρ, να σας σώσει.
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Ver very funny, because it is so close to the truth.
And not offensive for the same reason
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Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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John H
Shipmate
# 9599
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Posted
Must admit to preferring the following version of this joke, though this is definitely a version to read on screen rather than to tell verbally!
I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until the authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to put film in my camera).
"Don't jump!" I said.
"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."
"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"
"Yes, I believe in God," he said.
"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"
"Protestant," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"
"Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
"Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"
"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.
"Auugghh!!! You heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.
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"If you look upon ham and eggs and lust, you have already committed breakfast in your heart."
Posts: 423 | From: Orpington, Kent, UK | Registered: Jun 2005
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I hadn't heard this one before. It is a bit Pythonesque, I agree.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Callan
Shipmate
# 525
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Posted
With very little amendation it could be applied to the far left, as well.
"Marxist-Leninist, Trotskyist, Socialist Worker, anti-parliamentary activity, pro-Cuba, Neo-Maoist faction or Marxist-Leninist, Trotskyist, Socialist Worker, anti-parliamentary activity, Pro-Cuba anti-Maoist faction?"
"Splitist!"
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How easy it would be to live in England, if only one did not love her. - G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 9757 | From: Citizen of the World | Registered: Jun 2001
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PhilA
shipocaster
# 8792
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Posted
The joke comes from the Secret Policemans Ball by a chap called Emo Philips sometime late 70's to early 80's.
Old as they get - but damned funny.
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To err is human. To arr takes a pirate.
Posts: 3121 | From: Sofa | Registered: Nov 2004
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
I remember as a kid trying to keep straight all the different kinds of Mennonites and trying to understand why my family was Krimmer Mennonite Brethren instead of Mennonite Brethren or one of the other flavors. The first version of this joke I heard was Emo Phillips', and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, because it's so dang true.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420
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Posted
In some versions, the argument is between members of different religious orders. I think this joke was quite funny the first time I heard it - but that was easily 35 years ago.
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Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn
Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001
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serena
Apprentice
# 7649
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Posted
In the words of Homer Simpson, "It's funny cos it's [almost] true!"
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S
xXx
Posts: 6 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2004
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Ogre
Shipmate
# 4601
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Posted
Yes, quite a good one. I suppose, if I was asked to explain the joke in simple terms, it exhibits the protestant sectarian genius for fission, while purporting at the same time to be part of the one Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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Pete Ergo Religionem
['Therefore Seek a Way of Life']
Posts: 480 | From: West Midlands, UK | Registered: Jun 2003
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Oh yer. I liked it very much. Prefer it to the jokes that rely on making fun of the incarnation, passion, death, resurrection of Jesus.
This one depicts well our own fickleness, sectarianism and eagerness to schism. We should laugh at ourselves.
![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
Then stop it.
It is prolly a laugh of solidarity for ppl who have ever been excluded by a partic religious group too.
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Evensnog
Shipmate
# 8017
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Posted
For me, this one is funny because there's a large grain of truth - about how so many of us tend to be more offended by intra-denomenational differences than inter-denomenational.
Posts: 507 | From: Silicon Valley | Registered: Jul 2004
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Rob Chandler
Apprentice
# 5266
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Posted
Didn't Emo Philips also say
"It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it?"
Posts: 1 | From: Nottingham, England | Registered: Dec 2003
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Gill H
Shipmate
# 68
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Posted
My favourite version has the punchline, "Die, heretic scum!"
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*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.
- Lyda Rose
Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001
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Gary Delaney
Apprentice
# 10448
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Posted
Saw the results of your survey in the guardian today.
The joke definitely originates with emo philips, though your version has changed some references from the original to southern baptists, great lakes area etc. The structure and wording 'me too'.. 'die heretic' etc. is identical.
Your site and/or the guardian are actually breaching his intellectual copyright if you printed the gag without his permission. It is probably academic as it is an old gag of his and I'd be very surprised if he used it any more, but it's still not right. If the competition had been to find the favourite Xian song and it had been won by 'Hey Jude', you wouldn't have printed Mccartney's lyrics without the owner's permission would you?
Anyway what's done is done but it amuses me that you have done one of the few things that i personally consider immoral.
As you were.
Gary
By the way the small world line is Steven Wright's.
Posts: 1 | From: Brum | Registered: Sep 2005
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
This joke is very much in the public domain on the internet, and I have been told all sorts of variations of it over the years. I am not sure who Emo Philips is, but if he wishes to challenge us or the Guardian (or the several hundred website that include a variation) for using this joke that is for him to do.
Neil
[Edited to add that I found some quotes and bits about him and have been laughing my head off!]
[ 26. September 2005, 14:42: Message edited by: starbelly ]
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Emo Philips revamped a much older joke: an Irish policeman, after several attempts to give a would-be-suicide a reason to live, says "go ahead and jump, you bastard" when he finds out he's English.
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Duo Seraphim
Ubi caritas et amor
# 256
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gary Delaney:
Anyway what's done is done but it amuses me that you have done one of the few things that i personally consider immoral.
As you were.
Gary
By the way the small world line is Steven Wright's.
So that this is completely clear: we do not condone copyright infringement on the Ship, which is why Commandment 7 specifically prohibits posting infringing material.
We try our best to detect and edit out infringing material in posts. We encourage posters to link to material rather than cut and paste.
If you think about it, every joke ever re-told probably had a original creator. It is only if the joke is written down or reduced into some other material form, that there is any question of copyright protection for it. If it remains an oral joke then it is never a copyright work to start with. But even then, copyright protects the particular form of a work, not the concept behind it. As both starbelly and Belisarius have pointed out, the joke seems to be a re-telling of an earlier joke.
If Emo Phillips is sufficiently annoyed about this, then no doubt we'll have this debate with the lawyers. But please don't accuse us of ignoring the intellectual property rights of authors. Commandment 7 shows that we don't.
Duo Seraphim, Laugh Judgment Host
[ 27. September 2005, 00:42: Message edited by: Duo Seraphim ]
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Embrace the serious whack. It's the Catholic thing to do. IngoB
The Messiah, Peace be upon him, said to his Apostles: 'Verily, this world is merely a bridge, so cross over it, and do not make it your abode.' (Bihar al-anwar xiv, 319)
Posts: 7952 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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JimT
Ship'th Mythtic
# 142
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Posted
Well, one good thing came of it all: I was busy and missed this the first time around. Hilarious.
Posts: 2619 | From: Now On | Registered: May 2001
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Spong
Ship's coffee grinder
# 1518
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Posted
Having read the article in the Guardian, what Emo actually seems to have complained about was that it wasn't attributed to him, which in fact it was - both in the thread and in the session at Greenbelt.
Spong
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Spong
The needs of our neighbours are the needs of the whole human family. Let's respond just as we do when our immediate family is in need or trouble. Rowan Williams
Posts: 2173 | From: South-East UK | Registered: Oct 2001
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Alan Cresswell
Mad Scientist 先生
# 31
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Posted
Well, maybe he was complaining that the Guardian didn't attribute it to him ...
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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.
Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001
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-lucy-
Shipmate
# 10465
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Posted
I prefer the first version...although the second version is good...thats if you can be bothered to read it all ...coz it does get kinda long at the end! U gota admit that!!
But a gd laugh either way!
![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Posts: 592 | From: East Yorkshire | Registered: Sep 2005
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DaveF
Apprentice
# 10538
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Posted
Nice one because it picks on our falleness rather than priests, nuns, God etc.
As I first heard it it was "Jump then you ..." . Which is more credible (we don't tend to murder even those we hate). An interesting point though, is pushing someone so much worse than saying jump?
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DaveF
Posts: 5 | From: Uk | Registered: Oct 2005
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Printer-friendly view
![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
Would have preferred some kind of wittier punchline.
