Ship of Fools: Man on a bridge

Thread: Man on a bridge Board: The Laugh Judgment / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Simon (# 1) on :

This joke submitted by Elijah Fart:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :

Brilliant! [Killing me]

Puts me in mind of the Monty Python "Judaean Popular People's Front? Splitters!" gag. How often do people seem to count differences within their own denomination as more serious than differences between denominations?*

*= rhetorical question [Biased]

Posted by radcliffe hall (# 4560) on :

as a former brethren I find this joke painfully truthful

Posted by Back-to-Front (# 5638) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Brilliant!

Puts me in mind of the Monty Python "Judaean Popular People's Front? Splitters!" gag. How often do people seem to count differences within their own denomination as more serious than differences between denominations?*

*= rhetorical question

Understanding that it is a rhetorical question, I shan't answer, but it seems sensible.

People are less likely to be offended by a separate group with a separate name, holding views different from their own, than they are by a group claiming their own name holding different views. The responses to andreas1984 in Hell at the moment form a prime example of this. The upset is being caused to other Orthodox shipmates by the fact that, as an Orthodox Christian, andreas1984 is putting forth arguments that some of the other Orthodox shipmates see as being contrary to Orthodoxy. If he were putting forward the same views as a member of another denomination, they probably wouldn't be too bothered.

And yes, these jokes do seem to be getting better. I was actually rather tickeld by this one.

[ 05. July 2005, 10:40: Message edited by: Back-to-Front ]

Posted by Boreal (# 9550) on :

It reminds me of the episode of Cheers where Kelly and Woody nearly split up over their Lutheran common divide with each other.

Posted by ACOL-ite (# 4991) on :

Interesting: I found this one neither offensive nor funny. I suppose that might be because I don't really have much experience of this kind of bickering.

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :

THe only offensive bit to me is that the Narrator actually pushes the man off the bridge

had the narrator said "go ahead and jump, heretic scum," and walked away then all offence is removed.

changes from the narrator being a potential murderer, to simply not caring

Posted by GreyFace (# 4682) on :

I was thinking the same thing, B2F.

Posted by Amos (# 44) on :

The narcissism of small differences. [Snigger]

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :

I find all suicide jokes rather double-edged, especially jumping ones, being the sister of a suicide who jumped.

That said, it is rather funny. I just think before telling a suicide joke, you need to know whether the person you're telling it to has a sensitivity to this subject.

Posted by AdamPater (# 4431) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
That said, it is rather funny. I just think before telling a suicide joke, you need to know whether the person you're telling it to has a sensitivity to this subject.

I don't think I can agree with that. The essence of good humour is shared pain - the very best of all humour combines both laughter and tears. The caution isn't whether the other person might have some sensitivity, but whether their sensitivities are radically different from one's own.

Posted by andreas1984 (# 9313) on :

When I read it a few months ago online, it ended with "Die Godless Heretic", which is more hilarious IMHO.

Posted by Glimmer (# 4540) on :

[Snore]

Would have preferred some kind of wittier punchline.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

Ver very funny, because it is so close to the truth.

And not offensive for the same reason

Posted by John H (# 9599) on :

Must admit to preferring the following version of this joke, though this is definitely a version to read on screen rather than to tell verbally!

I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I'd try to stall him until the authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to put film in my camera).

"Don't jump!" I said.

"Why not?" he said. "Nobody loves me."

"God loves you," I said. "You believe in God, don't you?"

"Yes, I believe in God," he said.

"Good," I said. "Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Protestant or Catholic?"

"Protestant," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "What kind of Protestant?"

"Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

"Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist or Lose-Your-Salvation Arminian Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Historical Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Me, too!" I said. "KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist OR Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist?"

"MODERN VERSIONS Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Calvinistic Conservative Independent Baptist," he said.

"Auugghh!!! You heretic!" I said. And I pushed him over.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

I hadn't heard this one before. [Snigger]

It is a bit Pythonesque, I agree.

Posted by Callan (# 525) on :

With very little amendation it could be applied to the far left, as well.

"Marxist-Leninist, Trotskyist, Socialist Worker, anti-parliamentary activity, pro-Cuba, Neo-Maoist faction or Marxist-Leninist, Trotskyist, Socialist Worker, anti-parliamentary activity, Pro-Cuba anti-Maoist faction?"

"Splitist!"

Posted by PhilA (# 8792) on :

The joke comes from the Secret Policemans Ball by a chap called Emo Philips sometime late 70's to early 80's.

Old as they get - but damned funny.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

I remember as a kid trying to keep straight all the different kinds of Mennonites and trying to understand why my family was Krimmer Mennonite Brethren instead of Mennonite Brethren or one of the other flavors. The first version of this joke I heard was Emo Phillips', and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, because it's so dang true.

Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :

In some versions, the argument is between members of different religious orders. I think this joke was quite funny the first time I heard it - but that was easily 35 years ago.

Posted by serena (# 7649) on :

In the words of Homer Simpson, "It's funny cos it's [almost] true!"

Posted by Ogre (# 4601) on :

Yes, quite a good one. I suppose, if I was asked to explain the joke in simple terms, it exhibits the protestant sectarian genius for fission, while purporting at the same time to be part of the one Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. [Votive]

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :

Oh yer. I liked it very much. Prefer it to the jokes that rely on making fun of the incarnation, passion, death, resurrection of Jesus.

This one depicts well our own fickleness, sectarianism and eagerness to schism. We should laugh at ourselves.
[Angel]

Then stop it.

It is prolly a laugh of solidarity for ppl who have ever been excluded by a partic religious group too.

Posted by ORGANMEISTER (# 6621) on :

Asolutely hysterical!!!!!!!! LOL

Posted by GloriaGloriaGloria (# 8017) on :

For me, this one is funny because there's a large grain of truth - about how so many of us tend to be more offended by intra-denomenational differences than inter-denomenational.

Posted by Rob Chandler (# 5266) on :

Didn't Emo Philips also say
"It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it?"

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

My favourite version has the punchline, "Die, heretic scum!"

Posted by Gary Delaney (# 10448) on :

Saw the results of your survey in the guardian today.

The joke definitely originates with emo philips, though your version has changed some references from the original to southern baptists, great lakes area etc. The structure and wording 'me too'.. 'die heretic' etc. is identical.

Your site and/or the guardian are actually breaching his intellectual copyright if you printed the gag without his permission. It is probably academic as it is an old gag of his and I'd be very surprised if he used it any more, but it's still not right. If the competition had been to find the favourite Xian song and it had been won by 'Hey Jude', you wouldn't have printed Mccartney's lyrics without the owner's permission would you?

Anyway what's done is done but it amuses me that you have done one of the few things that i personally consider immoral.

As you were.

Gary

By the way the small world line is Steven Wright's.

Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :

This joke is very much in the public domain on the internet, and I have been told all sorts of variations of it over the years. I am not sure who Emo Philips is, but if he wishes to challenge us or the Guardian (or the several hundred website that include a variation) for using this joke that is for him to do.

Neil

[Edited to add that I found some quotes and bits about him and have been laughing my head off!]

[ 26. September 2005, 14:42: Message edited by: starbelly ]

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :

Emo Philips revamped a much older joke: an Irish policeman, after several attempts to give a would-be-suicide a reason to live, says "go ahead and jump, you bastard" when he finds out he's English.

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 256) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gary Delaney:
Anyway what's done is done but it amuses me that you have done one of the few things that i personally consider immoral.

As you were.

Gary

By the way the small world line is Steven Wright's.

So that this is completely clear: we do not condone copyright infringement on the Ship, which is why Commandment 7 specifically prohibits posting infringing material.

We try our best to detect and edit out infringing material in posts. We encourage posters to link to material rather than cut and paste.

If you think about it, every joke ever re-told probably had a original creator. It is only if the joke is written down or reduced into some other material form, that there is any question of copyright protection for it. If it remains an oral joke then it is never a copyright work to start with. But even then, copyright protects the particular form of a work, not the concept behind it. As both starbelly and Belisarius have pointed out, the joke seems to be a re-telling of an earlier joke.

If Emo Phillips is sufficiently annoyed about this, then no doubt we'll have this debate with the lawyers. But please don't accuse us of ignoring the intellectual property rights of authors. Commandment 7 shows that we don't.

Duo Seraphim, Laugh Judgment Host

[ 27. September 2005, 00:42: Message edited by: Duo Seraphim ]

Posted by JimmyT (# 142) on :

Well, one good thing came of it all: I was busy and missed this the first time around. Hilarious.

Posted by Spong (# 1518) on :

Having read the article in the Guardian, what Emo actually seems to have complained about was that it wasn't attributed to him, which in fact it was - both in the thread and in the session at Greenbelt.

Spong

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :

Well, maybe he was complaining that the Guardian didn't attribute it to him ...

Posted by _-_-_lucy_-_-_ (# 10465) on :

I prefer the first version...although the second version is good...thats if you can be bothered to read it all ...coz it does get kinda long at the end! U gota admit that!!
But a gd laugh either way!
[Yipee]

Posted by DaveF (# 10538) on :

Nice one because it picks on our falleness rather than priests, nuns, God etc.

As I first heard it it was "Jump then you ..." . Which is more credible (we don't tend to murder even those we hate). An interesting point though, is pushing someone so much worse than saying jump?

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