Ship of Fools: Jedi Judy is Coming To Dine

Thread: Jedi Judy is Coming To Dine Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by St. Sebastian (# 312) on :

Jedi J is coming for lunch Saturday. After what I witnessed at Thanksgiving, I'm frankly terrified. I guess this isn't so much a discussion topic as it is a plea for prayers! I went and bought a new couch, as she made it quite clear last time she was over that the seating was unacceptable. "Why would you invite guests to sit on furntiure that hasn't been reupholstered in over two years?", I distinctly remember hearing her mutter into her cell phone as she left, raking the the back of the offending chair with military grade Lee Press On Nails. Since I couldn't afford reupholstery (which was needful after she Leenailed it)I've been sitting on a barstool to watch tv ever since. I knew that wouldn't fly, so after she demanded a luncheon so she could inspect the new place, I postponed Mama's operation so I could get a couch for her to sit upon.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

You could try surrounding the house with razor wire and electrifying it.

Posted by St. Sebastian (# 312) on :

It's been tried by braver souls than I (may they rest in peace). It's a little known fact that she trained for two years with the Israeli equivalent of the Navy Seals (whose name I can never pronounce).

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

Forget the razor wire, surround your house with loudspeakers, play William Shatner quotes through them. Hang a Live Long and Prosper banner from the roof. Place the telly at the front door playing Star Trek. Hopefully this will ward her off.

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :

Hmm, I seem to remember she is coming to Paris in a few months' time. Perhaps you could give those of us here in France a few hints and tips about appropriate, um, etiquette?

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

quote:
Originally posted by St. Sebastian:
It's been tried by braver souls than I (may they rest in peace). It's a little known fact that she trained for two years with the Israeli equivalent of the Navy Seals (whose name I can never pronounce).

Their name cannot be pronounced, for added security.

Posted by Ultracrepidarian (# 9679) on :

They're called the shibboleth, aren't they?

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I have to stand up for Judy here. I mean, it's not as if a half case of the Glenfiddich 20yr old is that expensive, and with as little as two bottles, she can be totally relaxed about any minor shortcomings in your hospitality. (You are remembering to fill the pool with Evian water, I trust?)

Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :

Dig a moat and fill it with sharks?

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sparrow:
Dig a moat and fill it with sharks?

You obviously don't remember what happened to the piranhas.

Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :

Does the saintly lady accept invitations to attend annual congregational meetings, and thereby terrify the very life out of those folks for whom attending such a meeting is a highlight of their church year?
If that works, perhaps she would accept an invitation to next year's General Assembly, thus preventing any extraneous variables from being debated or passed!

[edited to remove the suggestion that she attend such meetings in the nude]

[ 30. May 2012, 18:24: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]

Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
[edited to remove the suggestion that she attend such meetings in the nude]

I thought you wanted to terrify them.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

*pant* *gasp* *wheeze*

I'm so sorry I wasn't here to defend myself! It was a full day of helping all my elderly neighbors with their housework and washing. Then I took them grocery shopping.

So, yes, I have received a delightful invitation to luncheon, and have cleared my calendar.

[Waterworks]

Saint Sebastian, you said that those light scratches on the very back of the couch from when I fell and almost died would never be seen from the rest of the room. I'm so sorry my clumsiness caused me to trip over the threshold of the guest powder room when I had to squeeze behind the couch to get there. I am so sorry! And I beg forgiveness for scaring your darling kitty so much that she tore my leg to shreds. I'm sure it must have been the way I was sitting. Or perhaps I was on your chair. The poor little dear had so much blood on her. I hope I wiped her off sufficiently.

Firenze, thank you for reminding me about the whisky! I might have forgotten to take it along on Saturday, and really, I can't afford another long hospital stay like that. It was touch and go the last time I suffered the consequences of failing to bring tribute. But, after two and a half months, I was almost as good as new! Well, except for having to use the cane.

You all have to know that I enjoy spending time with St. Sebastian so very much! The beatings are worth it. Really! We were playing Hang Man, and I always let him win. Well, he's very clever, you know. Haiku is such an unusual word, and I know he enjoys the thrill of letting everyone know that he's so much smarter than I am!

St. Seb...can I walk upright this time to enter your new digs? The scab has just come off my forehead and my old knees are getting a little creaky for the 'humble access' tradition you told me is required by all your friends and family.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Place the telly at the front door playing Star Trek. Hopefully this will ward her off.

Ahh, but I am one of those rare creatures that are 'ambi-star-ous'. Love long and prosper. Peace and long life. He's dead, Jim. I know them all! [Razz]

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Does the saintly lady accept invitations to attend annual congregational meetings, and thereby terrify the very life out of those folks for whom attending such a meeting is a highlight of their church year?

Oh, would that I could have done so at the General Conference of the United Methodist church a few weeks ago. What a satisfying thing that would have been!

Posted by Padre Joshua (# 13100) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Does the saintly lady accept invitations to attend annual congregational meetings, and thereby terrify the very life out of those folks for whom attending such a meeting is a highlight of their church year?
Oh, would that I could have done so at the General Conference of the United Methodist church a few weeks ago. What a satisfying thing that would have been!

Like. Like, like, like, like, like. Like like.

Posted by St. Sebastian (# 312) on :

Oh, so THAT'S how we're going to play it, eh? All innocence and put upon gentility? Cursed internet that allows so easy construction of charming facades! Eutychus, when she invad . . . er, "visits" France, I have one word for you: "obsequious". It's your only hope.

Now I know her plans for the social security checks she was rounding up under the guise of helping the elderly!

Posted by Mullygrub (# 9113) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
Ahh, but I am one of those rare creatures that are 'ambi-star-ous'.

LOVE. THIS.

Will shamelessly and flagrantly brandy this about as if 'twere my own witicism. Might even sig it. *Without* appropriate acknowledgements. Yeah -- I live wild and free [Big Grin]

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

One question to ascertain SS potential danger:

JJ, how many Star Wars movies were there?

Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
play William Shatner quotes

I thought Barry Manilow was the thing?

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
play William Shatner quotes
I thought Barry Manilow was the thing?

But that would be against the Geneva Convention.

Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :

quote:
Originally posted by St. Sebastian:
Oh, so THAT'S how we're going to play it, eh? All innocence and put upon gentility? Cursed internet that allows so easy construction of charming facades! Eutychus, when she invad . . . er, "visits" France, I have one word for you: "obsequious". It's your only hope.

Ha! It is my intention to initiate Judy into the secrets of chic Parisianness. Fear not, she has met her match. [Snigger]

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
Love long and prosper. ... I know them all!

Apparently not. Or was that a deliberate mistake designed to throw us off our guard before you fire up the lightsaber and chop off some limbs?

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
One question to ascertain SS potential danger:

JJ, how many Star Wars movies were there?

There were three. Well, there were three more, and one had a Peer Hunk...but 4,5 and 6 were the Canon. The word of George for the people of George.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
play William Shatner quotes
I thought Barry Manilow was the thing?

The Force is my ally. Bring it on. You may throw Shatner and Manilow at me at the same time. Like water off a ducks back. Impervious.

What? What ear buds? Speak Up!!

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by la vie en rouge:
Ha! It is my intention to initiate Judy into the secrets of chic Parisianness. Fear not, she has met her match.

Oho!!! I dare you to chic-ify me! Paris is in for the shock of her history! The Eiffel Tower may implode. Only the brave have survived my non-chic-ness. Or perhaps they were terribly polite.

So, shall I wear the good jedi robes, or my pajamas? I have been in polite society in both.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
Love long and prosper. ... I know them all!
Apparently not. Or was that a deliberate mistake designed to throw us off our guard before you fire up the lightsaber and chop off some limbs?

Marvin, I believe that the correct translation of the original Vulcan is 'love', not 'live' as has been popularized. Vulcans have such a reputation to uphold, that knowing that their favorite farewell included the admonition to love would turn their cute little ears even greener. No, we can't have that.

Or perhaps it's just because the i is right next to the o on the keyboard. [Hot and Hormonal]

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by St. Sebastian:
Oh, so THAT'S how we're going to play it, eh?

What? Surely you don't mean that?! [Waterworks]

Why, you even patted me on the back several times...with great gusto...when you caught me doing some of my secret good deeds for my neighbors! (The bruises have finally faded, so no worries!)

I just can't tell you how I'm looking forward to lunch on Saturday! I thought I would come over a little earlier than requested so I can have those windows sparkling like you dem...er...asked me to do. Is 5:15 too early? I know you said 6:00, but since I have to launder the curtains and iron them too, I figured a little extra time to do that (and the dusting! I didn't forget!) would be a good idea.

And extra huge apologies and hugs to the other Heaven Hosts for multiple postings!

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

I'm really confused. Are St. Sebastian and Jedijudy

(a) husband and wife
(b) brother and sister or
(c) loonies?

[Confused]

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Piglet, definitely not a or b. C is probably closer to reality.

But the truth is, we are Traditionalists!! [Big Grin]

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

SS,

She seemed to give a sane answer at first, but then revealed her true nature. There have been only three Star Wars movies. Anyone who adds any more, qualifications or no, is mentally unbalanced. jj likely has pajamas (and floppy ears) with the likeness he who shall not be named.

jj is delusional, Seb. Your only hope is to run; abandoning your possessions, pets and slow moving relatives.

ETA: The answer is C, piglet. Capitalised and underlined.

[ 01. June 2012, 02:36: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]

Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :

Go for the good Jedi robes. A Parisienne must have her own individual look after all. I would suggest accessorising them with one of these and some nice lippy like this [Big Grin]

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

No, I'm sorry; Chanel is all wrong - she needs one of these. in fact, I think they even come with a light sabre pocket.

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :

You all have it wrong. Paris is the home neither of lightsabres or Star Trek but Space Invaders. We shall repel the aliens.

Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
We shall repel the aliens.

These are not the aliens that you want.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by la vie en rouge:
...and some nice lippy like this

Oh. My. With my pale face and invisible (but fairly substantial!) eyebrows, that red would knock everyone over!

As far as SW movies...the Peer Hunk makes Number One a fair facsimile. Get over it, lilBuddha. [Devil]

Dearest St. Sebastian...my dear, dear friend. You are going to just make my whole day tomorrow! It is strange, though. When I put your address in my iPhone map, it said there's no such place. In fact, it suggested I should go north two counties. Can that be right?

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

Judes, ignore the map. Just head for the roadblocks and the circling helicopters. Explain you're his therapist. Chances are you may get as far a dessert before the stun grenades start coming through the windows (and frankly, if it's the Phlegm Mousse with Crunchy Earwig again, this is not a bad thing).

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Phlegm Mousse with Crunchy Earwig

Ahh, nouvelle cuisine. I'm sure there must be a Parisian restaurant that serves that.

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

Crunchy Earwig?
[Eek!]

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Aha! Helicopters!

St. Sebastian, see! Everyone is (mostly) on my side! They know me for the kind, dessert-loving, sweet little old jedi that I truly am! We will have fun tomorrow! [Snigger]

And I promise everyone that I won't let St. S serve Earwig.

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:

And I promise everyone that I won't let St. S serve Earwig.

Note she does not promise to refrain from consuming Earwig herself. Run Earwig, run!

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

I had a most delightful afternoon at the Saint's home!

After much searching, I found his lovely home. In true Southern Hospitality, he offered me ice tea (sweet, of course!) and didn't even put any questionable additives in!

We, along with the Archangel, dined sumptuously on chicken (or was that cat? I never saw but one of the two cats!) with apricots, asparagus and artichokes in a lemon-herb sauce and the most delicious gazpacho I had ever tasted...with chunks of avocado available to top it with. And yummy garlic bread!

After dinner, and before dessert, we went on a Death March. To get to our destination, we followed a path in the woods, which passed several tents put up by homeless folk. We then walked by a canal where we saw a large turtle, some fish, butterflies and many wildflowers. We were looking for a wild orchid, but it must have been past its 'best by' date.

Now, those of you who know St. Sebastian and me know that he is a tall man and I am a very short woman. His long legs eat up the trails much more quickly than mine, and I'm sure he wasn't trying to lose me in the swamp. Was he?

When we got back, you will be very pleased, I'm sure, that I didn't light the dessert on fire. [Hot and Hormonal]

OK...to explain...it really did look like one of those fancy candles that look like fruit and berries. Really! It was a beautiful compote of pears in cranberries. And he dished it onto icecream! The real stuff! Not the low fat frozen yogurt that I normally eat. It was to die for!

So, I take back all the mean things I said earlier! St. Seb was a perfect (Southern) gentleman and as a cook, he is da bomb!

Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :

quote:
Originally posted by St. Sebastian:
the Navy Seals (whose name I can never pronounce).

Let me help.

Nay - vee - See - ls

Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :

... and might I add... this is (was?) a most amusing thread. [Cool]

Posted by St. Sebastian (# 312) on :

Well, I had an elaborate list of lies all prepared, chief among them that she had forced me to take her into the swamps so that she could laugh riotously at the misfortune of the homeless who live there, but in the face of having my rarely used culinary skills complimented, I just can't bring myself to do it.

It was indeed a delightful visit and I was greatly amused that she thought the dessert was a candle someone had given me!

Judy and I will now be taking this thread on a whirlwind tour of c-list comedy clubs and retirement homes!

[ 03. June 2012, 05:02: Message edited by: St. Sebastian ]

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

St. Sebastian, would you please post your pear-cranberry recipe on the recipe thread.

Thanks.

Moo

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :

It takes this much to drag St Seb out of lurkdom. Hi! [Yipee]

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Qoheleth., are you suggesting that St. Sebastian and I should eat together more often? [Biased]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

It certainly would make a great serial. "The Judy/ Sebby Chronicles..."

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Or Revelations maybe? [Big Grin]

Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:

quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:

And I promise everyone that I won't let St. S serve Earwig.
Note she does not promise to refrain from consuming Earwig herself. Run Earwig, run!

Well this explains why all those people were after me the other day - I was going to be served up for lunch. To jedijudi. [Disappointed]

I dodged the men with nets, the tranquiliser darts, the big hole in the ground.

I thought they were just trying to get me back in that nice jacket with the long sleeves.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Earwig, I am truly glad that you escaped!! I did hear St. S mutter something about 'the crunchies' would have made the asparagus more festive.

I hope KenWritez has internet access in Heaven. I think he would appreciate this thread! [Biased]

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