Thread: Alternative Olympics 2012 Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.
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Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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Over in the Olympics thread, I suggested that sedan chair racing should be included as an Olympic sport, with each country carrying its head of government... this led to a very interesting tangent on which countries would be likely to win, based on the weight of their Governing Body ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
So this is a thread for proposing alternative Olympic sports. How fast would Usain Bolt be over 100 metres if he had to carry an egg and spoon? If synchronised swimming is in, why not ballroom dancing? Why can't the weightlifters lift something interesting for a change, instead of just big chunks of metal?
The idea is that you propose an alternative sport, with rules (which may be refined and commented on by others). I'll begin with...
SEDAN CHAIR RACING RULES:
A team of four athletes carries a fifth person (who is sitting, without a safety belt, in a chair fastened to two carrying poles) in a 400-metre flat race. A test of strength, speed, teamwork and (on the part of the fifth team member) faith.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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Supermarket Trolley Sprint (and Relay)
A standard supermarket trolley (ie, one with at least one wonky wheel) has to be unhitched using one of those coin-locks then pushed 100 metres.
In the relay the trolley has to be locked in after each stage, whereupon the coin is ejected, then the coin is used to release the team's next trolley.
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on
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Given that MacDonald's are sponsoring the Games, I suggest:
Big Mac eating.
It kinda introduces itself, and is related to competitive hotdog eating. (For a different take, try this link - hi-freaking-larious!) There is the sprint event in which competitors must eat ten Big Macs in a straight race, and the endurance event in which the participants must down as many Big Macs as they can in ten minutes. Ketchup optional.
Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on
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Ikea Billy Cart racing
Phase 1: teams of three shall construct a billycart out of standard flat-packed products available from Ikea, which shall be brought to the assembly area direct from the nearest Ikea store still packed in their boxes. Construction starts on the firing of the start pistol, and the clock stops when the team's driver (who may not construct) boards the billycart and is pushed out of the team's pit box.
Phase 2: the driver completes a time trial on a downhill course three times. The driver may not touch an Allen Key, and if the cart falls apart while they are on the course the other team members may come and rebuild it so the driver can continue. Only the two best times for each team shall count, allowing it to fall apart once without penalty.
Result: the time for phase 1 is added to the team's two best times from phase 2 and the team with the fastest total time (construction plus two downhill runs) is the winner. If the driver is killed, a thirty second penalty shall be added to the team's total time.
Possible variation 1: a similar event could take place at the winter games, just like there is hockey at the summer games and ice hockey at the winter games. The cart/sled would be required to record times on the giant slalom course, the ski cross course and the bob run.
Possible variation 2: a biathlon version could be created, with the driver shooting paintballs at another cart (drawn in pairs) while it is on the course, with the two teams then swapping and the first driver being allowed to fire up to the same number of shots that were fired at them. Time bonuses would be awarded for scoring hits.
[ 02. August 2012, 13:28: Message edited by: the giant cheeseburger ]
Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on
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25 metre crowd surfing.
One athlete performs a stage dive. The rest of the team have to transport that person 25 metres to the back of the hall without them touching the ground. Carriers are not allowed to move whilst carrying. Time penalties for each time the carried person departs from a horizontal position.
I was going to suggest Mayoral zip line descending, but GB is obviously weak at this.
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
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Sofa Racing.
Since most of the Uk population are sat on settees most of the time, we should have a pool of talent for this. A team of three sit on a sofa with castors and propel it sideways with their feet. For maximum speed on cornering, the team lean back so that it tilts and travels on two wheels ( but not too far back, obviously).
The ideal track surface would be parquet flooring.
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on
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I think a cross-country version of that would be quite entertaining.
Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Imaginary Friend:
I think a cross-country version of that would be quite entertaining.
As would a ski jump version.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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In other news, the IOC has just received the following proposal:
FIRST DAY OF THE SALES
This exciting contest calls for the combined skills of all-in wrestling, kick-boxing, sprinting and weight-lifting. Contestants must fight their way through a revolving door and have ten minutes to amass the greatest number of bargains from different counters in a traditional department store - and return to the exit with all their limbs intact.
Edged weapons are not allowed.
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on
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If the modern pentathlon was all the skills required of a military officer, then this is all the skills required of a concerned citizen of a consumerist society. Love it! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
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quote:
Originally posted by the giant cheeseburger:
quote:
Originally posted by Imaginary Friend:
I think a cross-country version of that would be quite entertaining.
As would a ski jump version.
There was found to be a problem with breaking springs on landing. But early trials down the bobsleigh run have been very promising, and it's hoped to have it the Winter Olympics in time for Sochi.
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on
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Tug of War used to be an event, which made me wonder a few months ago, who would be the favorite today? I guess they actually do have international tug of war, and the Netherlands is a frequent champion. But if it became an Olympic event and countries started focusing on it, I would say it would be dominated by either countries like China and the USA, who have lots of people and money to throw at such sports, or countries with lots of weightlifters who couldn't make the squad in their original sport (Turkey, Greece, Kazakhstan). Or maybe that would be the ticket for Samoan Olympic gold.
In the winter Olympics, I have always thought that if you want to be considered the best skier in the world, you should have to ski in flat light like the rest of us. No more waiting for the sun to come out. Unfortunately, that would probably increase the fatality rate in the downhill, so I don't see that one making the program.
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
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Mayor dangling. We win.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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[getting back to First Day of the Sales] quote:
If the modern pentathlon was all the skills required of a military officer, then this is all the skills required of a concerned citizen of a consumerist society. Love it!
Oh dear, I missed one. I should have said that whilst fighting through the revolving door, running around the store and trying to snatch the best bargains each contestant has to send a tweet and answer at least two text messages. Bonus points will be awarded for wit and coherence.
There - that really IS all the skills required in a modern consumerist society...
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
...each contestant has to send a tweet and answer at least two text messages.
If they added this element to the steeplechase, I would definitely watch. I would expect a few more of these.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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1500 litres. A mass participation event for teams of 150. Each has to drink ten litres of the Official Olympic beverage. Time penalties for any upchucks.
This could be just the thing for the coaches, officials and support staff, who otherwise get no chance of winning a medal.
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
1500 litres. A mass participation event for teams of 150. Each has to drink ten litres of the Official Olympic beverage. Time penalties for any upchucks.
This could be just the thing for the coaches, officials and support staff, who otherwise get no chance of winning a medal.
The track team at my college (and I am sure at most colleges) did a "beer mile" at the end of the season. Four laps around the quarter mile track. At the end of each, chug a beer. Sounds like a similar event.
Posted by Enigma (# 16158) on
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Cherry Stone Shooting
(A sport for those whose bodies let them down but have perfect control of their mouths)
The aim is to place cherries in mouth and uncover as many stones as possible in the space of 2 minutes, then spit them in the direction of a very small target receptacle. The winner is the one with the most stones successfully targetted.
Competitors may employ various techniques for this but it must be done in seemly fashion else disqualification on grounds of abhorrence may ensue.
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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Synchronised thurible twirling.
Full tat (with lace) to be worn at all times during the competition. Extra points given for full 360 degree turns.
Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
1500 litres. A mass participation event for teams of 150. Each has to drink ten litres of the Official Olympic beverage. Time penalties for any upchucks.
This could be just the thing for the coaches, officials and support staff, who otherwise get no chance of winning a medal.
The track team at my college (and I am sure at most colleges) did a "beer mile" at the end of the season. Four laps around the quarter mile track. At the end of each, chug a beer. Sounds like a similar event.
This sounds like Swansea University's Mumbles Mile - a race along the seafront from the campus to the town of Mumbles, stopping off at every hostelry along the way...
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on
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The Antisocial Pentathlon, which consists of:
- Spitting on pavements (higher scores if it hits someone)
- Stepping backwards without looking
- Sneezing without a hankie
- Synchronised litter dropping
- Shouting into a mobile phone - preferably on a bus
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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Track cycling needs livening up, and not just to give GB some opposition. I suggest we dispose of the other wheel and introduce the unicycle slalom.
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on
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Or do a pursuit race where one team goes clockwise and the other anticlockwise.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Imaginary Friend:
Or do a pursuit race where one team goes clockwise and the other anticlockwise.
Simplifies things no end. To decide the winners, measure the point at which the riders collide.
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
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While riding penny-farthings.
And none of this Lycra and aerodynamic helmets: boots, knitted socks, knickerbockers, a tweed jacket and - on account of all the falling off - a stout bowler hat.
Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Starbug:
The Antisocial Pentathlon, which consists of:
<snip>
- Shouting into a mobile phone - preferably on a bus
Extra points for the quiet carriage on a train.
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
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Backstreets slalom. You have to drive your car along a narrow back street, parked with cars at various parts.
At some point, another car comes the other way.
Extra skill points for larger cars. A mini scores 1, a roller scores 10. This is done as a handicap, so you start with this many seconds down.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Backstreets slalom. You have to drive your car along a narrow back street, parked with cars at various parts.
At some point, another car comes the other way.
Extra skill points for larger cars. A mini scores 1, a roller scores 10. This is done as a handicap, so you start with this many seconds down.
We have the perfect course at the bottom of our road! It's about 200 yards, narrow, undulating, bumpy, cars on both sides parked at odd angles plus a skip or two and for a month or so each year a part of it is coned off for gas/water/electric/cable TV work. At last, there's a use for it.
Posted by Hoagy (# 12305) on
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Elephant Polo
Yodeling ( Texas or Alpine ) ( Winter or Summer Sport )
"Splat the Rat"
Cross Dressing- 3 day event-Indoors and Outdoors
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on
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As a solution to Shamwari's complaints about the technology behind the bicycles, how about a bicycle race where the racers are handed a $80 bicycle purchased from a random Craigslist poster, to ride as purchased.
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
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Chris Hoy would still win.
But why stop with bikes? Bamboo poles for the vaulters, cinder tracks, everybody competing in gutties and kharki drill shorts, wooden rowing boats, all swimming events in the nearest available pond. Commentators keep saying its Britain's most successful games since 1908 - so why not wind back the technology until then?
Posted by Hoagy (# 12305) on
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Synchronized Parachute Jumping
Extreme Street Running
Blindfold Barn Dancing
Musical Chairs ( individual & team events )
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Backstreets slalom. You have to drive your car along a narrow back street, parked with cars at various parts.
At some point, another car comes the other way.
Extra skill points for larger cars. A mini scores 1, a roller scores 10. This is done as a handicap, so you start with this many seconds down.
Better--parallel parking. The one who can park in the smallest space, closest to the curb, with the fewest back and forth movements wins. Points deducted for visible scratches in the paint of any of the cars.
Posted by Hoagy (# 12305) on
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Synchronized Hula Hoop Dancing
800 meters Pogo Stick race
Freestyle underwater swimming
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Hoagy:
Musical Chairs ( individual & team events )
Ooooh - now that's got potential. Style points could be awarded for artistic ways of getting into and out of the chair, as well as general rhythmic movement while the music is still playing. The only question in my mind is whether to allow it to be a contact sport - musical chairs can get quite boisterous, right?
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Imaginary Friend:
quote:
Originally posted by Hoagy:
Musical Chairs ( individual & team events )
Ooooh - now that's got potential. Style points could be awarded for artistic ways of getting into and out of the chair, as well as general rhythmic movement while the music is still playing. The only question in my mind is whether to allow it to be a contact sport - musical chairs can get quite boisterous, right?
Make it non-contact, like basketball isn't.
As for parallel parking, the space can be shortened to make it more difficult and give time penalties too. Just like in show-jumping.
Posted by Pre-cambrian (# 2055) on
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Human Cannonball Gymnastics. Plenty of opportunity there for in-flight somersaults and other acrobatics. Obviously penalties would still be incurred for taking a step forward on landing.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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I propose Literary Croquet - rules according to either:
a) Lewis Carroll (using mallets in the shape of flamingos rather than actual live flamingos, for reasons of animal welfare)
b) Jasper Fforde (the volunteers for the tea party would of course have their ticket money refunded and any medical expenses met by the Olympics Committee, if competing in a country without an NHS)
Well, if lawn tennis is in why not croquet?
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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Hide-and-Seek. Well it was one of the games organised in the Paignton Olympics by my 6 year-old twin relatives yesterday, so it must be right.
Posted by Pre-cambrian (# 2055) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
1500 litres. A mass participation event for teams of 150. Each has to drink ten litres of the Official Olympic beverage. Time penalties for any upchucks.
There was an annual event called the Gross Olympics at college. Eating rounds were interspersed with pints of beer rounds. Two upchucks meant disqualification. Some eating rounds were just hard going, like the packet of dry cream crackers. I think the most common cause of upchucks was the tub of margarine round.
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
As for parallel parking, the space can be shortened to make it more difficult and give time penalties too. Just like in show-jumping.
Having an audience always makes it harder, so that would already be a factor. Maybe you could up your difficulty score by simulating parking on the driver's side on a one-lane one-way street during rush hour. Even more bonus points for avoiding bicyclists participating in the road race.
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
As for parallel parking, the space can be shortened to make it more difficult and give time penalties too. Just like in show-jumping.
Having an audience always makes it harder, so that would already be a factor. Maybe you could up your difficulty score by simulating parking on the driver's side on a one-lane one-way street during rush hour. Even more bonus points for avoiding bicyclists participating in the road race.
Oh, and points off for violating laws of your host country. Games are in the States and you park on the driver's side of the street? Points off. Park near a fire hydrant pretty much anywhere? Points off, and you get to unpark with a boot. Games are in Italy? Points off unless you hit a pedestrian—assuming she's not a nun/old lady, in which case you're taken out and shot.
Posted by Hoagy (# 12305) on
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@ Imaginary Friend.."The only question in my mind is whether to allow it to be a contact sport - musical chairs can get quite boisterous, right?"
I could envisage problems in the "Mixed Doubles Musical Chairs" with "gentlemen" doing what comes naturally and prone to standing up and offering a seat.
Extreme Thumb wrestling
Pancake half Marathon Walk
Guess the Parish Share
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
As for parallel parking, the space can be shortened to make it more difficult and give time penalties too. Just like in show-jumping.
Having an audience always makes it harder, so that would already be a factor. Maybe you could up your difficulty score by simulating parking on the driver's side on a one-lane one-way street during rush hour. Even more bonus points for avoiding bicyclists participating in the road race.
One of the audience should be the very proud owner of one of the cars you are trying to park between.
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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While you're thinking up new ideas, there's always 'Google games' - visit the Google site where there seems to be a new Olympics game every day. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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I'm not sure whther to post this here or on the 'real' Olympics thread but the Liturgical Dance competition starts today.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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Bandwagon Jumping.
I wonder if Messrs Cameron and Johnson will advocate providing sporting facilities at state schools like those at their alma mater?
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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Has Boris ever actually met a child? Teenagers could probably cope with doing two hours PE a day, but most five-year-olds simply do not have the stamina. And does he really think that football is twice as important as the three Rs - literacy and numeracy only get an hour each...
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Has Boris ever actually met a child?
He talks to himself, that should do.
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
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I think you are mistaking Cameron and Johnson as people with sense.
They make statements about things that they think will be popular to improve public opinion. Ignoring the fact that they are normally responsible for the problems in the first place.
They enjoy telling other people what they should do, despite the fact that they have no idea what they are talking about, because their situations are different.
Boris's contribution to the games has been enjoying his freebie seats and getting stuck on a zip wire. Camerons will be to take all credit for the games, despite the fact that Labour put in most of the work to make it happen.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I think you are mistaking Cameron and Johnson as people with sense.
True, but they have low cunning.
quote:
They make statements about things that they think will be popular to improve public opinion. Ignoring the fact that they are normally responsible for the problems in the first place.
They enjoy telling other people what they should do, despite the fact that they have no idea what they are talking about, because their situations are different.
It's a bit more subtle than that. What they are very good at, and most politicians do this about every issue on God's green earth, isn't telling people what to do, but telling people what other people should do. The statements about two hours PE aren't for the benefit of children, nor for their parents, but for those who insist that 'something must be done' but have no intention of doing anything more physically onerous than a gentle round of golf or a little light weeding. They won't be too chuffed to fork out extra taxes to provide the sports facilities and PE teachers that state schools would need either, even if some statistics show that it would the NHS would save billions.
quote:
Boris's contribution to the games has been enjoying his freebie seats and getting stuck on a zip wire.
That much? If he's anything Boris is the UK's nutty uncle. quote:
Cameron's will be to take all credit for the games, despite the fact that Labour put in most of the work to make it happen.
True, but we should be grateful that he can't call a snap election in the afterglow of the Games. There, the LibDems are good for something after all.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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Sioni Says quote:
The statements about two hours PE aren't for the benefit of children, nor for their parents, but for those who insist that 'something must be done' ...
...and the Something which is going to be Done looks suspiciously like reinstating Labour's Sports Partnership scheme, which the ConDems axed in 2010 because (they said) it cost too much.
Nobody has yet explained how all the schools that have sold their sports fields are going to do competitive sports. They could play tiddlywinks down the corridors, I suppose.
Ho hum. Meanwhile I will continue the search for a badminton club for my 9 year old daughter, who loves playing it in the back garden but is unlikely to be winning a gold medal in the next Olympics but two if we can't find anywhere for her to learn how to play it properly...
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on
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Host Notice
Dear everyone: if you're going to discuss things related to politics, the world, and the British school system, take it to Purg. If you're going to come up with the minutia of rules for demisports, then stick around.
-AA, Noticing Host
Posted by Paddy O'Furniture (# 12953) on
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*Synchronized Blood Glucose Testing:
Diabetics from many different countries have to improvise a technically difficult, yet artistically pleasing blood glucose testing whilst dancing in synchronization.
*I suggested this once, on the American Diabetes Association message boards.
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
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Paddy - I think you also need a "Blood Sugar Control marathon". Over a day, where all sorts of delicious food is available, they have their blood level measured every half hour, and they need to keep it within as narrow bounds as possible.
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Paddy - I think you also need a "Blood Sugar Control marathon". Over a day, where all sorts of delicious food is available, they have their blood level measured every half hour, and they need to keep it within as narrow bounds as possible.
Would this require a kind of decathlon, so that after consuming a specific food they have to exercise so as to get their blood sugar to the target level?
Two competitions, one for each type.
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
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SS - yes that sounds good. My son would just have problem resisting lots of very bad food, so that would be enough of a trial for him.
We should definitely have competitive channel surfing. The idea is to surf through the channels, the red button, the recorded material and internet, for as long as possible, while the judges do not have a clue what you are doing or looking for. You lose points, if they can identify a programme, and gain them for returning to a channel previously looked at.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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Sorry, Ariston - forgot which forum I was in for a moment.
I just had another idea for an event:
Boasting about how good the games your country hosted were
Of course the British are not expecting a gold medal in this event, due to our national characteristics of understatement and self-depreciation. However we have higher hopes of the following event:
Persuading your political allies to enthuse about how good your games were
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
I just had another idea for an event:
Persuading your political allies to enthuse about how good your games were
Odd isn't it. I haven't even seen Nick Clegg (Sheffield MP) with Jessica Ennis (Sheffield gold medal winner). The Libdems must all be on holiday.
I'd like to see attempts in this event though:
Agreeing with your political opponents about how good the games were.
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on
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Actually I was thinking about this news story about international commentary on the London Olympics, not domestic political squabbles...
Extra points for anyone in the West getting a positive reaction from Iran.
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