Ship of Fools: Bat Mitzvah

Thread: Bat Mitzvah Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

To visit this thread, use this URL:
http://forum.ship-of-fools.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=70;t=025126

Posted by Serafina68 (# 16142) on :

My children and I have been invited to a Bat Mitzvah in April. We are CofE by profession and I have never been in a synagogue before and know nothing about the service!
Has anyone out there got any advice as to what wee can expect, do's and don't's adn what would be a suitable gift for the young lady?
Many thanks

Posted by Anyuta (# 14692) on :

according to my Jewish bother in law, money is ALWAYS an appropriate gift.

sorry I can't help you otherwise, my nice is too young to have had a Bat Mitsvah and like you, I've never been to one myself. I've been to a jewish wedding thought (my sisters) and that was a lot of fun :-).

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

This site looks helpful. (Though the yalmulka on the bat mitzvah girl made me wonder. [Paranoid]

)

Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :

It should be fairly simple on the whole. Behave as you would in a church - don't use your phone (turn it off altogether; you don't want it going off when the person is reciting the Book of Ruth/Torah - depending on congregation)., do not take photographs, follow the service, stand when they stand, sit when they sit, etc. You might be asked to wear a head covering and, again depending on the congo, you may be separated from your partner. Wear smart, fairly formal clothes that cover you, ie do not turn up in shorts, t-shirt and flip flops.

In terms of a gift, as already stated, give cold hard cash. This is a more important event than confirmation and money given is usually kept for a specific purpose, so i hate to tell you this will cost you! Don't be stingy, it will be frowned upon. Do not give gift cards, they tend to be frowned upon regardless of whether the congo is liberal or orthodox, and don't give a Jewish themed gift unless you know the family really, really well and they are of a liberal congo (but beware - you may still have some orthodox Jews present who pull funny faces and whisper through pursed lips).

Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :

Forgot to add - don't be bringing ham sandwiches, as believe it or not, someone I know did.

Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :

It's been a while since I have been to one, but googling "Bat Mitzvah etiquette" yielded familiar results. And I don't know how pond differences weigh in- this is just my experience of going to about a half a dozen in the United States when I was 13.

A lot of what will happen will depend on the kind of synagogue you are going to- in the States, orthodox, conservative, or reform. It is best to dress formally. If men need a kippah, loaners are usually provided, and in some cases, the family of the Bat Mitzvah will provide commemorative kippahs. I always found that people were nice, and if you ask, they will let you know what to do. It is easy to follow the lead on when to stand and sit.

Every Bar or Bat Mitzvah I attended took place as part of a regular sabbath service, almost like an individual "Youth Sunday." In some cases Bat Mitvahs are not part of the regular service, but that depends on the denomination, and their views on women reading from the Torah.

Cash is actually a traditional gift rather than a cop-out. It can be saved for school or a trip to Israel down the line.

In the States, at least among the upper class Jews I used to go to school with, there was usually an elaborate party the night after the service. Some kids only showed up to the party, but I always thought that was disrespectful.

I don't know if the Horah is a big thing in Jewish communities in the UK, but pray that it is, and GET IN THERE. After the last Jewish wedding we attended, the Queen of Bashan and I decided that it should be mandatory practice for any place of work at noon every day, to promote happiness and laughter.

Posted by Jigsaw (# 11433) on :

Cash is fine. Some synagogues have little printed cards that the parents can send to non-Jewish guests saying something like: "at xxx Synagogue we request that you dress modestly" and may then go into more specific details about what that means for both men and women.
If in doubt - phone the synagogue or ask the hosts; most wouldn't be at all offended.
If it's a Charedi or Modern Orthodox community, you might be in difficulty, but then you'd be unlilely to be invited in the first place.

Posted by Augustine the Aleut (# 1472) on :

Bat mitzvoth can be a lot of fun-- like a wedding, just book the entire day. When my godchild was bat-mitzvahed (a long story), I gave her a painting of one of her favourite creatures.

While aware of the tradition of giving money, I never felt like doing so when there was plenty of cash going around. On two instances I wrote (substantial) cheques, one to a charity for care for mentally challenged Jews, as the batgirl's cousin was in one of their residences; and the other to a fund administered by the local Jewish Community Council for the relief of gentile immigrants in distress. In both instances, I was very warmly thanked, with a granny writing to tell me that it was a double blessing to teach the child to give at moments of celebration. The girl in the second case was not initially as enthusiastic about being out $300, but she later told me that she didn't miss it and likes the idea with the passing of time, and will be doing her Grade XI volunteer gig with them.

Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
A lot of what will happen will depend on the kind of synagogue you are going to- in the States, orthodox, conservative, or reform. It is best to dress formally. If men need a kippah, loaners are usually provided, and in some cases, the family of the Bat Mitzvah will provide commemorative kippahs. I always found that people were nice, and if you ask, they will let you know what to do. It is easy to follow the lead on when to stand and sit.

Yes to all that. I attended one at a Conservative synagogue, and married women were expected to have their heads covered. They provided those little lacy doily things, exactly like I used to wear to Episcopal services when I was a kid. The women folded them into little triangles and bobby-pinned them on top of their heads. When in Rome, or rather Jerusalem, I figured...

quote:
Every Bar or Bat Mitzvah I attended took place as part of a regular sabbath service, almost like an individual "Youth Sunday." In some cases Bat Mitvahs are not part of the regular service, but that depends on the denomination, and their views on women reading from the Torah.

They might have two young people, a boy and a girl, having their Bar/Bat Mitzvoth. In that case, the girl might read from the Haftorah (the Prophets) rather than the Torah. In either case, you will hear them chanting in Hebrew, something they have worked for three years to master. It's pretty impressive. Another thing about the service: I was amazed that people seemed to arrive and depart at random times. Apparently that is not unusual. And expect to hear people greet one another with "Shalom Shabbot," which is really quite lovely.

quote:
Cash is actually a traditional gift rather than a cop-out. It can be saved for school or a trip to Israel down the line.

Further to that, my understanding is that multiples of $18 are appreciated, 18 being the number that is represented the same as the letter "chai" which stands for "life."

quote:
In the States, at least among the upper class Jews I used to go to school with, there was usually an elaborate party the night after the service. Some kids only showed up to the party, but I always thought that was disrespectful.

Darn straight. My kids were invited to several of these (not necessarily upper class), and I always made them attend the service if they wanted to go to the party. They didn't mind, though.

Oh, last thing. Don't step on the bimah. That's the raised platform at the front. It's not appropriate for Gentiles to do that. Not that you would, anyway, but my daughter's friend made a big deal about that.

[ 22. February 2013, 23:56: Message edited by: Mamacita ]

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

This is a support thread, so I'm sending it to All Saints.You don't want argument, after all [Smile]

Gwai
Purgatory Host

Posted by passer (# 13329) on :

Re amounts: I asked my friend what her daughter received and what she gave to others, and she replied

quote:
36,54,72 etc. My friends and I all gave 118, not a multiple but has 18 on the end.

She also enquired "Am I your go-to Jew?". I thanked her for her reply and complimented her on her observational skills, what with it being Saturday and all...

Posted by Serafina68 (# 16142) on :

Thank you everyone. I'll bear all of that in mind!

Apparently the Bat Mitzvah is followed by Kiddish - can anyone tell me what that is and what to expect?

There is also an evening party.

Someone said my partner may be expected to sit apart from me. He isn't going, but would that also apply to my 12 year old son who will be coming with me?

Posted by Amos (# 44) on :

Kiddush--there will be a blessing over bread and wine, which will be distributed. This will probably be followed by an Oneg Shabbat, which is like a parish coffee hour to beat all parish coffee hours.

Generally, the kind of synagogue where the men and women sit separately doesn't do Bat Mitzvot. [Frown]

If you have particular questions, you shouldn't hesitate to ask the friend who has invited you.
Most Bar and Bat Mitzvot nowadays choose a charity that they are supporting and would like their guests to support. One of my nieces chose a literacy project, the other one chose an AIDS charity.

[ 23. February 2013, 18:57: Message edited by: Amos ]

Posted by Rosalind (# 317) on :

As you are C of E i assume the batmitzvah is also in the uk, which means that the synagogue is prob Reform or Liberal, as an oothodox bat mitzvah is not generally a liturgical affair(afaik).
My 3 neices had a bat mitzvah at 12/13, which entailed reading (singing) their 'portion' in the Sabbath service, doing a short talk and having a blessing. Members of the family were also involved in taking the scrolls from the Ark, a sealed cupboard, ceremonially unwrapping their covers, and carrying them around the congregation. A this point in the service, no-one enters or leaves the building, and the congregtion turn to facee the scrolls, rather like parts of the anglican service when the gospel is read. also some people lean over to touch the scrolls with the corners of their prayer shawls. A few women wear prayer shawls, including rabbis, and most men do.
The service will be in both English and Hebrew, with the translations on facing pages. If you have been to church in Wales, this will be familiar.Some of it will be a little familiar, especially the psalms, a lot of it will be different.
A my nieces' shul, they have a second ceremony when girls and boys are about 16, when they lead the entire service. This underlines the fact that they have become an adult member of the community and it was very impresssive to watch them slipping from English to Hebrew, and remininding the congrgation what page they wwere on. But this is not standard, and the ceremony you go to is probably the traditional one for early teens.
I gave silver bracelets for presents.
Kiddish is bread, wine and a blessing. It has no sacramental meaning and is distributed to all, Jewish or Gentile, along with coffee, little cakes or whatever they are having.
Dress as you would for any special service. While married women traditionally wear hats in a shul, this isnt always neccessary in a reform or liberal shul, just ask if you are in doubt.
Have a wonderful time - there will be a party afterwards, possibly with the batmitzvah girl being carried on a chair at shoulder height while the dancing goes on.

UBB.classic^TM 6.5.0