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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Spiritual Direction Questions
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recklessrat
Shipmate
# 17243
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Posted
Hello all,
I have started seeing a spiritual director and I have a few questions about etiquette:
Payment - my SD is a priest and doesn't take payment. I offered a donation to her church on my first visit but she refused. Should I try again? The time I spend with her is so valuable, I feel I should offer something in return.
Telling others - I found my SD via the diocese rather than via my parish priest. Should I tell my own priest that I'm seeing an SD? I feel my parish priest deserves to know as she has care of souls, but it might be an awkward conversation as maybe I should have gone through her in the first place.
My other half knows about my SD but my parents don't (we're usually very close). I find it hard to talk about spiritual stuff, hence my tiny post count!
I feel I should be able to be completely honest with them but again, another awkward conversation.
Timing - I started seeing my SD to go through one topic in particular but would like to keep seeing her - is there a convention on how long one should see an SD for?
Thanks for any advice anyone is able to give.
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stay simple, remain whole
Posts: 80 | From: The Shires | Registered: Jul 2012
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Angloid
Shipmate
# 159
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by recklessrat:
Payment - my SD is a priest and doesn't take payment. I offered a donation to her church on my first visit but she refused. Should I try again? The time I spend with her is so valuable, I feel I should offer something in return.
In some circles SDs depend on donations/fees from directees for their income. That is rare in Anglican circles and many of us would argue that it is unhealthy for anyone to become so professionalised. I would accept her ministry gratefully but don't feel guilty about not contributing financially. There is a strong case for a diocesan or other local fund to support the whole work of SD (including training etc)... maybe you could help to encourage this.
quote:
Telling others - I found my SD via the diocese rather than via my parish priest. Should I tell my own priest that I'm seeing an SD? I feel my parish priest deserves to know as she has care of souls, but it might be an awkward conversation as maybe I should have gone through her in the first place.
As a parish priest I would be delighted that any of my parishioners were taking their faith so seriously as to visit a SD. If anyone approached me looking for one I would probably refer them to the diocesan network anyway. So probably worth mentioning: you know your own vicar but I couldn't see it being a problem.
quote:
My other half knows about my SD but my parents don't (we're usually very close). I find it hard to talk about spiritual stuff, hence my tiny post count!
I feel I should be able to be completely honest with them but again, another awkward conversation.
Need to know? What do they think Spiritual Direction is? If they understand it as a normal part of Christian life then it should be easy and normal to talk about it. If they would be gobsmacked by the whole idea then you will need to start much further back.
quote:
Timing - I started seeing my SD to go through one topic in particular but would like to keep seeing her - is there a convention on how long one should see an SD for?
The only convention I am aware of is that the relationship is open-ended. After one or maybe two trial meetings to ensure that both partners are at ease with one another, there is not normally any implication of a time limit. SD is not counselling when you may well take on a restricted number of sessions in order to address a specific issue.
I hope you have a fruitful relationship with your SD, RR. There are as many different expectations and ways of accompanying others as there are individuals, so you might well receive many different answers. However it looks as if your diocese has some sort of established network: it would be worth asking if there were some guidelines which all those under its auspices are expected to follow.
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Brian: You're all individuals!
Crowd: We're all individuals!
Lone voice: I'm not!
Posts: 12927 | From: The Pool of Life | Registered: May 2001
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Evensong
Shipmate
# 14696
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by recklessrat:
Payment - my SD is a priest and doesn't take payment. I offered a donation to her church on my first visit but she refused. Should I try again? The time I spend with her is so valuable, I feel I should offer something in return.
My limited experience with spiritual directors (2.5 years) tells me some take payment, some don't. If she has refused both payment to herself or her parish I'd leave it.
Give the money you might pay her to a parish/local/other charity if you still feel you must do something.
quote:
Originally posted by recklessrat:
Telling others - I found my SD via the diocese rather than via my parish priest. Should I tell my own priest that I'm seeing an SD? I feel my parish priest deserves to know as she has care of souls, but it might be an awkward conversation as maybe I should have gone through her in the first place.
Unnecessary in my opinion. The important issue is that you are getting the Spiritual Direction you need - however it comes about and whoever through.
quote:
Originally posted by recklessrat:
My other half knows about my SD but my parents don't (we're usually very close). I find it hard to talk about spiritual stuff, hence my tiny post count!
I feel I should be able to be completely honest with them but again, another awkward conversation.
Don't push it. Maybe it'll come up at an appropriate time and it'll be less awkward?
quote:
Originally posted by recklessrat:
Timing - I started seeing my SD to go through one topic in particular but would like to keep seeing her - is there a convention on how long one should see an SD for?
No convention in my experience. Entirely depends on you and how the relationship is going.
As far as I am aware, SD is about someone to talk to about life and God and how the two fit together. Seeing as how the entire Christian journey is about both, I can't see why you wouldn't continue seeing them for your entire life if you felt it was helpful! ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Delighted to hear you've found someone you can share your spiritual journey with and you're getting alot out of it.
Spiritual direction is compulsory for me as a ministry student but I have found it quite difficult to find someone I "click" with.
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a theological scrapbook
Posts: 9481 | From: Australia | Registered: Apr 2009
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
What Angloid said.
Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
What everybody else has said so far. Good advice.
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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194
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Posted
A lovely person sees me for SD. I don't want payment. BUT she makes me the yummiest cakes . My SD enjoys the fresh eggs I take him...
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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...
Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
A lovely person sees me for SD. I don't want payment. BUT she makes me the yummiest cakes . My SD enjoys the fresh eggs I take him...
Now that's a thought. How do you think I could word it on my 'bio?'
Payment in victoria sponge - one slice per session. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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fletcher christian
Mutinous Seadog
# 13919
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Posted
If payment has been refused I wouldn't push it again to be honest. In relation to telling others about your SD, I guess personally I would see no reason to do so unless it came up in conversation.
There are various sets of guidelines for an SD and a person who sees them or is directed by them. Your initial meetings should have covered this and brokered a kind of vague contract of what you both should expect and what is appropriate and what is not. If this hasn't been done, it might be good to do so at the next meeting.
As a general rule the meetings should be one hour and take place initially once a month for about six months (sometimes as much as a year depending on the person). This allows the SD to identify your living patterns, your spiritual patterns and to just generally get to know you and the sort of person you are. After that, you should aim to meet the spiritual director twice a year, or as required. But this comes with a word of caution - if you are meeting more than twice a year then there might be other issues at work that you might need to look at in a different context.
Some SD's will require you to take the initiative. In other words, they won't ask you to come and meet them; they will instead wait for you to arrange the meeting. Be cautious and self aware when it comes to dependency and remember; they are not an agony aunt.
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'God is love insaturable, love impossible to describe'
Staretz Silouan
Posts: 5235 | From: a prefecture | Registered: Jul 2008
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Miffy
Ship's elephant
# 1438
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Posted
Fletcher Christian, I hear what you're saying about potential dependency issues, but I'd query your caution re meeting more than twice yearly. I don't know where you're based, certainly where I am the received wisdom for frequency of meeting seems to be every six to eight weeks, hence at least six meetings per year or more. It's certainly a pattern I've kept to with my own director and it's one I'd expect from anybody that is meeting with me. Any slight variation over and above this is generally more to do with mutual availability than any issues that might need looking at in a different context.
Though it's only recently that I've begun to hear of instances where people are meeting at rather more frequent intervals, say weekly or fortnightly, and I must admit, I do wonder whether what they're engaged is really what could be properly termed spiritual direction or not? Guess I'm straying from the questions in the OP now, but it's be interesting to know what patterns other posters are accustomed to, especially UK folk.
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"I don't feel like smiling." "You're English dear; fake it!" (Colin Firth "Easy Virtue")
Growing Greenpatches
Posts: 4739 | From: The Kitchen | Registered: Oct 2001
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fletcher christian
Mutinous Seadog
# 13919
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Posted
Yes, I probably over stated that a bit and it does depend on the SD themselves and their own charism too. I can understand that an SD from an Ignatian background would want regular meetings for instance, but what I was thinking of was the style of spiritual direction that gives tasks, options, encourages journalling or asks for times of measured reflection. All of that takes time, and not to allow around six months for it might be rushing something unnecessarily and giving a false picture too. The flip side of it is that regular meetings can build a strange inequity in the relationship where a spiritual way (so to speak) becomes based on the SD's direction rather than a 'client's' (I hate that word and its wrong, but I don't know what else to call them) own journey of discovery.
But thinking about it, it could be a cultural paradigm here. For instance, we are less likely to call it spiritual 'direction'. It's more of a companion on the journey than anything else. Anam Cara comes close, but it's a bit fluffy.
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'God is love insaturable, love impossible to describe'
Staretz Silouan
Posts: 5235 | From: a prefecture | Registered: Jul 2008
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Adam.
Like as the
# 4991
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Posted
I've never heard of a six month rule, or even suggestion. I see my SD monthly and always have. I currently work in an undergraduate seminary and we require our guys to see their spiritual directors once every three weeks during the semesters, which works out at 10 times a year. Our rule in our graduate seminary is "at least monthly." There would be no set frequency rule in my community after the end of initial formation, but I think most guys continue with roughly monthly. (Note: this is for vowed religious, many of whom are ordained, but I certainly would never set this up as inappropriate for the laity).
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Ave Crux, Spes Unica!
Preaching blog
Posts: 8164 | From: Notre Dame, IN | Registered: Sep 2003
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recklessrat
Shipmate
# 17243
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Posted
Many thanks all for your advice - that's much appreciated.
Posts: 80 | From: The Shires | Registered: Jul 2012
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