Thread: Funeral Fun Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Mudfrog (# 8116) on :
 
Best funeral stories?

Colin was a postman and he died. His coffin was carried into the Salvation Army hall on the shoulders of 6 postmen.

That was not the funny part!

Colin was also a member of a wild west interest group that met on a Friday night to do line dancing in a room full of confederate flags which were lowered at the end of the evening to a recording of Elvis singing "An American Trilogy"
The secretary of the group phoned me a couple of days before the service to tell me,
"You do realise that this is a wild west funeral?"
"Is it??"
"Yes, and I'm phoning to ask if it's OK to bring our guns into the Citadel."
"Er, well, no not really!"
"But the other churches allow it."
"Do they??"
"Yes, but they'll be brought in in plastic bags because the police won't let us carry them in the street."
"Let me get back to you..."

I phone our Sergeant-major (like a church warden)
"What do I do?"
"Well there's not much you can do if they say the other churches allow it, but don't let them brandish their guns."

I phone the secretary back,
"Right, you can bring your guns into the Citadel but they must stay at all times in their holsters."
"Oh. (half-hearted complaining) OK then.
One more thing...we'd like to fire them over the open grave."
"No way! If you do that I'm ending the committal service there and then."

So, no guns were brandished or fired, but every man was dressed either as a Calvary officer or confederate soldier and every woman was dressed like someone out of Annie Get Your Gun. The coffin (carried by posties) was preceded by a Calvary officer with a drawn sword!

You couldn't make it up.
 
Posted by Forthview (# 12376) on :
 
Calvary or Cavalry ?
 
Posted by Mudfrog (# 8116) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Forthview:
Calvary or Cavalry ?
Damn I proofread it really carefully too! Grrrr

I must have Calvary on automatic spelling [Smile]

[ 25. August 2013, 20:13: Message edited by: Mudfrog ]
 
Posted by Olaf (# 11804) on :
 
During the early decades of the 20th century, a family asked the pastor to officiate at a funeral in English instead of Norwegian, since there would be other non-Lutheran friends and family there. "Vell," thought the pastor, "I spose I must go wid da times."

The funeral was going very well, and as he continued to preach, the pastor got more and more excited. A little too excited, it turns out. He worked his way quickly up to a climax, and gesturing at the casket, he paused. He was at a loss for words, realizing that he couldn't translate his Norwegian thoughts perfectly into English. In a pinch, he summed up all the energy he had, continued his ambitious delivery, and announced to the bereaved,

"Dis here is yust da shell. Da nut is gone."
 
Posted by bib (# 13074) on :
 
I played for a funeral in which the family requested that the whole congregation should sing 'The Happy Wanderer' as the coffin disappeared behind the curtain. I had a lot of difficulty keeping a suitably straight face at the words "valderee, valderah, valderee, valderah hah hah hah hah hah". [Killing me]
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Hosting

Hmm. Will consult. Keys jangling.

/ Hosting
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Hosting

The thurifers, wardens and deacons (trying to cover many liturgical traditions here) have discussed matters with the angels, and this is on a fast track North ...

Put that thurible down and hold tight ...

/Hosting

...
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
I haven't, incidentally, got a funny, but I did have a glorious funeral about 20+ years ago whereat the police were waiting behind the scenes to whisk the body away for a post-mortem because the fourth wife of the deceased had accused the fifth wife of murder ...
 
Posted by Avila (# 15541) on :
 
In a rural area the last 2 funerals I have done included 'We plough the fields and scatter'.

The first was a burial, the second at the crem felt a little closer to the mark... we later buried the ashes not scattered them.
 
Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on :
 
There was a point during my grandmother's memorial service at which everyone in attendance was asked to put on a red foam-rubber clown nose.
 
Posted by Below the Lansker (# 17297) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Avila:
In a rural area the last 2 funerals I have done included 'We plough the fields and scatter'.

The first was a burial, the second at the crem felt a little closer to the mark... we later buried the ashes not scattered them.
A funeral I played at last summer also had 'We plough the fields and scatter' - also a rural area, and in this case, a farmer, who had requested it for his funeral as his favourite hymn. Although the funeral service was at the village chapel, he was buried in a field on the farm rather than in the chapel yard.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
At my father's requiem mass we had a fine attendance from the parish and everything was done properly until the communion when two queues formed. Communicants were switching from one line to the other according to which appeared to be moving faster, like a busy morning at the post office.

Can't fault the priest though: his address had more to do with bringing me back to Jesus than any other single act.
 
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
This falls into the "awesome" rather than "funny" category....

I was taking the funeral for someone who had been one of the top men in military music. At the end of the service in a packed church, unknown to anyone but myself and the immediate family, two trumpeters snuck into the back of the church and - as the point of commendation - played "The Last Post". It was amazing. The sound echoed around the church, followed by a stunned silence. It was the most perfect send off for someone who had devoted most of his life to military music.
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
At my father's requiem mass we had a fine attendance from the parish and everything was done properly until the communion when two queues formed. Communicants were switching from one line to the other according to which appeared to be moving faster, like a busy morning at the post office.

Can't fault the priest though: his address had more to do with bringing me back to Jesus than any other single act.
"Chalice number one, please!"
 
Posted by Gee D (# 13815) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
This falls into the "awesome" rather than "funny" category....

I was taking the funeral for someone who had been one of the top men in military music. At the end of the service in a packed church, unknown to anyone but myself and the immediate family, two trumpeters snuck into the back of the church and - as the point of commendation - played "The Last Post". It was amazing. The sound echoed around the church, followed by a stunned silence. It was the most perfect send off for someone who had devoted most of his life to military music.
I hope that they played it in echo. That's now the usual at school at the ANZAc service and also the annual cadet chapel service before the Passing Out parade. It's very moving, with the effect of the music being played across a line of camps.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
"Did" a funeral the other day which left me feeling sad and despairing for all the wrong reasons.

1. Family requested Make me a channel of your peace for the first hymn because they like the words - fine, but they weren't regular churchgoers, nor were their friends so no one sang (its not the easiest in any case) so only the verger made an attempt [Hot and Hormonal]

2. The vicar (not my own) had agreed a service with no scriptural reading - all we had was a poem, choked out through tears.

3. Second hymn, I vow to thee my country, went as un-sung as the first.

4. Either the undertakers missed a cue or the service length (around 18 minutes) was very short even by their standards so there was a 4 minute gap between the final prayers and the arrival of the bearers...

5. Whatever you want by Status Quo was played at the end: now, IMO, the lyrics of Turn around, give me a shout, I take it all. You squeeze me dry and now today you couldnīt even say goodbye. I could take you home on the midnight train again, I could make an offer you canīt refuse aren't appropriate. [Confused]

Your thoughts?
 
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
My grandmother was buried in a family plot, which had to be opened up again to make room for her to be buried on top of grandad. When the time came for the coffin to be lowered, the hole wasn't big wnough and she had to be raised again so that the grave digger could scrape dirt off the sides. Take Two - the coffin still wouldn't go in, so this time he had to actually stand in the hole and open it up, in front of all the grieving relatives.

My sister and I weren't close to granny and, when she died, we were in our late teens/early twenties. By the time her coffin was lifted out of the too-small-grave for the second time, we were helpless with laughter behind a tree. It didn't help that, at this point, my mum's half-sister decided to say in a very loud voice, 'Well, she didn't like going out, she never went on holiday and now she don't want to go down there'!
 
Posted by HCH (# 14313) on :
 
In the film "Charade", we have a funeral in which one of the men attending stabs the deceased with a large pin to verify that he is, in fact, dead.
 
Posted by Dennis the Menace (# 11833) on :
 
When I was a funeral director a few years ago it was in a cool climate area and we would get phone calls asking if the crematorium was heated?? Especially on cold days.

Another time when I answered the phone a woman said 'my husbands dead and I'm glad he is'. Took a few moments to sort that out as I was quite stunned by that but she actually meant pleased for him as he had been very ill.
 
Posted by HughWillRidmee (# 15614) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:

Your thoughts?
I doubt you'd raise much support since you seem to be concerned about the avoidance of discomfort at something which may, however distasteful to you and I, be filling a need for those who are acutely aware that they have recently lost a loved one.

If you really want to pursue the idea perhaps we should ask if it's time to separate religious celebration from disposal of the body.

We register births legally, optional religious naming ceremony: we marry legally, religious ceremony optional: perhaps the funeral should be simple, dignified and non-religious, with, of course, the option of a religious celebration recalling the deceased's life (with the preferred manner of showing thanks to the deity(s) of choice).

Don't have a clue how we would work it but it would prevent people who don't know how to do so trying to do religion-at-the-crem wouldn't it?
 
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :
 
My ex-mother in law died just on two years ago. I reluctantly attended the funeral, but went mainly as support for my sons.

The coffin was lowered into the grave by a hydraulic platform, but the actual mechanism needed some oiling.

The lower the coffin went, the louder the whole thing squeaked and groaned. By the time it reached the bottom of the grave, most of those attending were looking into the distance, up in the sky, at their feet or similar. Anywhere but at each other as we knew we could not have held back the laughter.

[ 28. August 2013, 23:15: Message edited by: Lothlorien ]
 
Posted by cliffdweller (# 13338) on :
 
I officiated for the funeral of Mrs. X, who had been a member of our large congregation for many decades, but had been bedridden for at least the last 20 or so. We had a minister of pastoral care who knew her well and visited her regularly, but sadly, that pastor died just a few weeks before she did, so that at the time of the funeral there was no one on staff who knew her, and only two deacons who visited her.

Miss Y, a friend of the deceased, contacted me re: the arrangements. Turns out Miss Y was in a major conflict/power struggle with Mrs. X's family members having to do with the kind of care Mrs X had rec'd during her long confinement, and now over the terms of the will. The two sides weren't speaking to each other, and once Miss Y contacted me, the family wasn't interested in talking to me either, leaving Miss Y my only source of info.

I suggested to Miss Y that we hold the service in our small chapel (seats 25), but Miss Y assured me that would be far too small, and insisted the service must be held in the main sanctuary (seats 800). OK. I found notes from the now-deceased minister of pastoral care that indicated Mrs. X's two favorite hymns which she wanted sung at her funeral, so planned the service around that.

The day of the funeral arrives, we go to the big cavernous sanctuary and there are 6 mourners there. Miss Y sitting on one side, 3 family members on the other side, and the 2 deacons sitting in the back.

We get to the first hymn but no one sings. No one. So it turns out to be a solo by yours truly-- which is very much Not Good.

Get to the eulogy. Since my only source of information was Miss Y, who had only known Mrs X the last few years of her life, it went something like, "Mrs. X was born somewhere in the midwest-- Kansas perhaps-- around 1933 and then 60 years later she met Miss Y..."

2nd hymn. I figure maybe these aren't church-goers, they don't know the drill. So I point out the big red book in front of them is a hymnal, show them how to find the hymn, remind them that this was Mrs. X's request, and ask the organist to play through it once so they'd get the melody. No dice. Another solo, only this time the song is In the Garden. Practically bust a lung trying to hit that high note.

The sound guy who recorded the service meanwhile is rolling on the floor under the mixer laughing his a**. Has extorted me by threatening release of the incriminating recording ever since.
 
Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
When my former husband died his mother cut myself and our daughter out of all the arrangements for the funeral, and declined any contribution from either of us. We sat at the back and left them to it.

He had requested 'Love in an Elevator' be played, and his mother had agreed to this.

I very much wanted everyone present to know that whoever that song was referring to, it was NOT me, but there really was no way to say that, so I just retained a dignified silence, while everyone else looked thoroughly embarrassed.

"... living it up when I'm going down ..."

Seriously not a good choice for a funeral service.
 
Posted by Trickydicky (# 16550) on :
 
Bagpipes at a funeral. Fine outside, but in a small crem it was deafening - I couldn't hear properly for the next couple of hours.
And my mind was filled with the Dave Allen sketch where, after following a piper over mountains and past lochs for miles and miles the coffin lid is pushed back and Dave Allen says 'will you shut your noise - it's enough to wake the dead'.
 
Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
A friend tells the story of the crematorium funeral of a man who had been a Wild West fan. The exit music after the service was the theme from Rawhide:
quote:
Move 'em on, head' em up
Head 'em up, move' em on
Move 'em on, head' em up
Rawhide
The Crem staff loved it - they said they had never cleared the chapel so quickly!
 
Posted by Avila (# 15541) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by HughWillRidmee:
If you really want to pursue the idea perhaps we should ask if it's time to separate religious celebration from disposal of the body.

We register births legally, optional religious naming ceremony: we marry legally, religious ceremony optional: perhaps the funeral should be simple, dignified and non-religious, with, of course, the option of a religious celebration recalling the deceased's life (with the preferred manner of showing thanks to the deity(s) of choice).

Don't have a clue how we would work it but it would prevent people who don't know how to do so trying to do religion-at-the-crem wouldn't it?
We already have the option for non religious funerals. Indeed you can have someone cremated or buried with no ritual gathering at all - straight ride for deceased from undertakers to eg the crem, and straight through to the back.

People however default to religious unless they feel strongly as it is seen as the norm and probably unaware of other options, including that anyone can preside at a funeral in the crem so no need to ship in a vicar.
 
Posted by Dennis the Menace (# 11833) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
My ex-mother in law died just on two years ago. I reluctantly attended the funeral, but went mainly as support for my sons.

The coffin was lowered into the grave by a hydraulic platform, but the actual mechanism needed some oiling.

The lower the coffin went, the louder the whole thing squeaked and groaned. By the time it reached the bottom of the grave, most of those attending were looking into the distance, up in the sky, at their feet or similar. Anywhere but at each other as we knew we could not have held back the laughter.
Was that at Pinegrove?? Their lowering device was notoriuos for being noisy.
 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:

5. Whatever you want by Status Quo was played at the end: now, IMO, the lyrics of Turn around, give me a shout, I take it all. You squeeze me dry and now today you couldnīt even say goodbye. I could take you home on the midnight train again, I could make an offer you canīt refuse aren't appropriate. [Confused]

Your thoughts?
I'd have gone with Get down, deeper and down, down down, deeper and down...
 
Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
Not a funeral - but nearly.

An elderly lady in my church died. Her daughter Joyce - a lady with certain learning difficulties - had to arrange the funeral. I asked if she would like me to accompany her to the undertakers - she did.

So we got to the undertakers and talked through the service - no problem. It was going to cost about Ģ1250 (this was about 15 years ago). The undertaker asked for a deposit.

So Joyce produces a thick envelope and starts counting out the cash. I stop her and say, "How much have you got there?" "Enough", comes the reply. I ask both Joyce and the undertaker if it would be better to pay the whole lot now as I don't want Joyce walking home with all the money. They agree. So there we all are on the office floor counting out the money in various notes. (I was worried that some of them might have been old bank issues and valueless, but they weren't).

It turned out that, although they did having Savings Accounts, the funeral money had been kept, in cash, in the wardrobe for many years. Whether this was out of some fear that "the tax-man would get it" or that accounts would be "frozen" at death, or just some more primal thought that it was the "proper thing to do", I cannot say.

But I will never forget counting out that cash!
 
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
Other memorable funerals:

1. When I was a curate, I was asked to take the funeral (at the crem) of someone who had been for many years chair of the local Labour Party (in an area where Adolf Hitler was more likely to be elected than someone from Labour).

I was informed that the crem would be packed and that it was essential that the service include singing "The Red Flag". Well, the crem was certainly almost full. But when it came to "The Red Flag", the only person singing was me.

Afterwards, the crem staff took the time to come up to me and congratulate me on my "solo". They said that they had given me a round of applause at the end. Sarky gits!

2. I was asked to take the funeral of an elderly man who had lived in a local block of sheltered housing. No-one knew much about him and the two people organising the funeral were other residents in the block, who had befriended him in the past couple of years. They told me that they thought that there was a brother living at the other end of the country, but didn't have any contact details. Apart from that, I knew nothing about the man's life story, other than the very little that these two people had gathered.

On the day of the funeral, I arrived at the crem to be greeted by a man, who introduced himself as the deceased's brother. He took me to one side and said "you need to know some things..."

Turns out that the deceased had spent many years in prison, after killing his lover with a bread knife when she threatened to tell his wife about the affair. Not long after release, he had gone to his brother's wedding, where he had seriously sexually assaulted one of the bridesmaids. As a result, he had gone back to prison and the brother had sworn never to have contact with him again.

When released (again), he had befriended a little old lady, who had then died (of natural causes). This man had then carried on collecting the lady's pension from the Post Office for 18 months, until it was discovered and he went back to prison AGAIN.

Now, imagine getting all this information about someone about 10 minutes before you take the funeral service. What do you say? Somehow I bluffed my way through - not least because the two people who had organised the service really didn't need to know about these sordid details. Thankfully, the brother was very understanding.
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
On sniggering: I think funerals can bring out your inappropriate sense of humour because it helps you deal with the grimness.

My only memory of my grandmother's funeral is sharing the hymnbook with my brother and trying desparately not to laugh at his tonedeaf singing.
 
Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Now, imagine getting all this information about someone about 10 minutes before you take the funeral service. What do you say? Somehow I bluffed my way through - not least because the two people who had organised the service really didn't need to know about these sordid details. Thankfully, the brother was very understanding.
Recently I had to take the funeral of a convicted Sex Offender. I knew about him (he had repented of his ways and joined the church) but I was enjoined to say nothing.
 
Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
I had to bury an ardent Railway Enthusiast. The family asked if I could think of appropriate music to play as we exited the Crematorium. I came up with the "Coronation Scot" (as, in fact, did they - we also thought of "Pacific 231" and "Murder on the Orient Express"). This led to some rapid searching by us and the Crem. staff to locate a recording - fortunately it wasn't difficult.

At the service things didn't quite work out, partly because the people the music wasn't played quite loudly enough. We should have sat tight during the first whistle blast and the chords as the train "moves off" (listen here) , but in fact people started moving out (and chatting) too quickly. My fault for not enforcing stillness!
 
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Dennis the Menace:
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
My ex-mother in law died just on two years ago. I reluctantly attended the funeral, but went mainly as support for my sons.

The coffin was lowered into the grave by a hydraulic platform, but the actual mechanism needed some oiling.

The lower the coffin went, the louder the whole thing squeaked and groaned. By the time it reached the bottom of the grave, most of those attending were looking into the distance, up in the sky, at their feet or similar. Anywhere but at each other as we knew we could not have held back the laughter.
Was that at Pinegrove?? Their lowering device was notoriuos for being noisy.
Indeed, it was, on a stinking hot day.
 
Posted by bib (# 13074) on :
 
I think my 'favourite' funeral was on Australian tv in a series called 'Mother and Son'. In a brilliant portrayal of a dotty old lady(Maggie), Ruth Cracknell goes to a family funeral carrying a net bag of oranges. As the coffin is lowered into the grave, Maggie manages to spill the oranges into the grave and tries to rescue them. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen and worth a look.
 
Posted by Angloid (# 159) on :
 
I don't think you can really beat the opening line from the late, great Iain Banks's The Crow Road: "It was the day my grandmother exploded." (Because the undertaker had forgotten to remove her pacemaker before cremation).
 
Posted by Gee D (# 13815) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by bib:
I think my 'favourite' funeral was on Australian tv in a series called 'Mother and Son'. In a brilliant portrayal of a dotty old lady(Maggie), Ruth Cracknell goes to a family funeral carrying a net bag of oranges. As the coffin is lowered into the grave, Maggie manages to spill the oranges into the grave and tries to rescue them. It is one of the funniest things I have ever seen and worth a look.
Ruth Cracknell was a very, very great actor. We saw her years ago in Measure for Measure, where she played the tramp, with the dog. She sat on the edge of the stage, feet dangling over, the dog climbing in and out of a Gladstone bag, and said her lines. Just brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

[ 29. August 2013, 11:18: Message edited by: Gee D ]
 
Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :
 
In very many years of involvement with funerals, in churches, mortuary chapels, cemeteries, there are a few that remain vivid in memory:
 
Posted by Gwalchmai (# 17802) on :
 
I attended a crematorium funeral for a client, largely to make up the numbers. About five family members in the front pew, someone from the care home behind and me discreetly further back. And the organist who, as far as I can recall, was one of the family and organist at her local church. The family had chosen The Lord's my shepherd as the first hymn, but beyond that there had been a breakdown of communication. They were probably expecting to sing it to Crimond, the number one choice of funeral hymn for old ladies. The organist decided to play Brother James's Air instead. She had neglected to tell the rest of the family that when singing this tune you have to repeat the last two lines of each verse.

You can guess the rest. By the time the organist and I had finished verse one, the rest of the congregation were bounding through verse two.The tune and the words got more and more out of synch, leaving the organist playing two more verses when most people had stopped singing. Given the feebleness of the singing, I suspect she never realised that the congregation had reached the finishing line a few laps ahead of her!
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
In my Uni days there was a guy who was kind of on the fringes of the Christian Union, of which I was a member. He was a bit of a loner and didn't seem to make friends easily, so some of us made an effort to get to know him better, but it was hard work and we didn't know him well.

He tragically died falling from a cliff (and yes, we all wondered whether it was an accident). As he had no other friends from Uni, a couple of us felt we should attend the funeral.

We weren't sure how to react when the closing blessing was 'Now to him who is able to keep you from falling...'
 


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