Thread: Marrying/Baptizing one's own family Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Anglican_Brat (# 12349) on :
 
I discussed this issue with clergy as to the appropriateness of officiating at one's own family's baptisms and weddings. I'm thinking of particularly of officiating for one's children.

The objections I've heard are:
1) It turns the sacramental celebration into a private family affair, whereas worship should be public.
2) Some ministers want to be "Dad" or "Mom" at these events. As in, they want to enjoy these occasions as parents, and not as officiants.

The pros are
1) Why wouldn't you want to officiate at your children's weddings/baptisms? It is a joy to be front and centre, witnessing your child's joyous event.
2)As a parent and a clergyperson, you are most likely your child's closest spiritual mentor. As such, it would be appropriate for you to officiate at their joyous occasion.

Anyone have thoughts or personal insights to share? Also, I would be interested if denominations have specific official policies on this issue.

[ 11. August 2013, 15:40: Message edited by: Anglican_Brat ]
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
I've been to a baptism where the priest was baptising his own children. Although it was a family event, it was his wider church family too who were able to welcome the children. It would have seemed odd if someone else had been brought in.

I wonder whether it would have been the same if he wasn't in his own church, however, or if a lay person were asking for a wedding blessing or leading the baptism of a member of his or her family.
 

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Posted by Cedd (# 8436) on :
 
My only thought is that my 10 year old daughter has already decided that I will be the priest who marries her and that her brother will have to give her away. If that day happens I shall be very happy to officiate!
 

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Posted by Jade Constable (# 17175) on :
 
My friend is getting married next year, and her dad will be officiating (her mum will give her away). However, our priest (from the church we and her fiance attend at uni) is doing the nuptial mass and our uni chaplain is doing the homily - I think it's better if family officiants don't have to do everything.

I've known an equal number of clergy children who wanted their parent to just be mum or dad and not marry them, as I have clergy children who have wanted their parent to officiate. Haven't known any clergy who have baptised their own children. Wonder how common it is for clergy to preside at family funerals?
 

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Posted by Cedd (# 8436) on :
 
Yes, I have actually taken the funerals of both of my grandmothers. On both occasions I felt that it made the service more meaningful to my extended, non-churchgoing, family and I felt very 'happy' to be able to do this for my grandmothers and, I believe, that they would have been pleased too.
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
My Dad married me. He walked up the aisle with me, dropped me off with my husband-to-be then carried on up to the altar.

We both looked lovely in white

eta - oh, and he baptised me and both my children.

[ 11. August 2013, 16:47: Message edited by: Boogie ]
 

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Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
My dad baptised me, in the church where he was vicar. At that time where we lived, the custom was to have baptisms as a separate service rather than part of the normal service.

I only learned recently that the vicar where dad was previously a curate was supposed to baptise me, but he was ill.
 

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Posted by Avila (# 15541) on :
 
Baptism or wedding I might be comfortable with doing for a family member.

(Note as single childless it would at this stage in the life of the family tree be one step removed - eg my nephew's weddings or baptism of any children they may have)

I have however stated from the beginning of my training that I will not do any immediate family funerals. I may find I can contribute something in tribute, family members regularly but not frequently do. But I would want to be me in that moment not the one with the responsibility of holding things together for others.

Others may vary, personal choice. I don't think it needs to make it overly family focused - though I guess someone could make it so.
 

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Posted by Angloid (# 159) on :
 
Both of my daughters were baptised in their parish church of which I was vicar: one by me and one by my brother, who is also a priest. But there is no way that these were private family celebrations (except the party afterwards): on both occasions there were other children being baptised at the same time.

What would have been odd, and given the completely wrong impression, would be to have sought out some other church and priest as if our children were too 'special' to be baptised alongside other children of the parish.
 

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Posted by Angloid (# 159) on :
 
PS I preached at my mother's funeral and my brother presided at the requiem. However, when my father died I presided at a 'family' requiem before the public funeral led by the local vicar. Personally it helped me to have that degree of involvement. But others' MMV.
 

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Posted by Badger Lady (# 13453) on :
 
Interesting. My mother - a Cof E priest - is not marrying me. I was very clear that I wanted her to be the 'mother of the bride' and not 'the vicar'.

The all consuming nature of vicar selection and training meant that it felt that the church was taking a parent away from me. I have no doubt about her calling and appreciate how selfish that sounds. I was in my teens when she started the process.

As a result I felt very strongly that I wanted my mother on my wedding day and I have asked a close friend who is a priest to conduct the service.
 

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Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on :
 
I was a guest at a wedding many years ago which was officiated by the bride's father. As with all weddings, the feeling of everyone present was joyful and hopeful and optimistic for the young couple. Sadly the marriage broke down within two years. The bride's father must have felt the same pain and sadness as any parent would whose child suffers the agony of divorce. But I wonder if the pain would be even more searing knowing that he had married the couple?
 

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Posted by chris stiles (# 12641) on :
 
Separate wedding services already involve a privatisation of what used to be something celebrated in front of the whole community.
 

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Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Oh, and my dad married us also. My beloved grandad walked me down the aisle. He was 90 years old and had a wonderfully dry sense of humour. When someone asked him on the day if he was nervous, he commented 'Oh, no - done it before!'
 

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Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Is there an ordained/non-ordained divide emerging here?

I come from a nonconformist priesthood-of-all-believers background and the prospect of parents officiating at their own childrens' baptisms/weddings fills me with a sense, not of awe, but of "ewww". It seems too proprietorial somehow. Perhaps having robed clergy creates an acceptable distinction between the person and the function?

Others' mileage may vary, of course.
 

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Posted by Garasu (# 17152) on :
 

quote:

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For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests or magistrates for it is God's ordinance and not man's and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Garasu:

quote:

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For the right joining in marriage is the work of the Lord only, and not the priests or magistrates for it is God's ordinance and not man's and therefore Friends cannot consent that they should join them together: for we marry none it is the Lord's work, and we are but witnesses.

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George Fox, 1669

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quote:

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Originally posted by chris stiles:
if its the Lord's work, who cares who administers the ordinance.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Garasu:

quote:

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Originally posted by chris stiles:
if its the Lord's work, who cares who administers the ordinance.

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That's kind of the point: God. Witnessed by the full congregation.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Thurible:
Another former parish priest suggested to the Bishop that he felt he should but wasn't sure if he could celebrate his mother's requiem. The Bishop told him not to be daft and that he (the Bishop) would celebrate it. Which offer the priest gratefully accepted.

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• at the baptism of your own child you should be there making the promises, not questioning the godparents and your wife - in other words, don't baptise your own children
• only the women of the family should be wearing fancy dress at a wedding - you are the father of the bride or groom, NOT their priest
• however great your belief in the hereafter it is not your place to take the funeral of your parents - rather you should be there as their child

The worst experience I ever had at a wedding was some years ago: the bride's mother had died suddenly 3 months before the nuptials. The bride (an only child) insisted she wanted Dad to do the service: fine until her father took one look at her at the chancel step and broke down, at which point there was an unseemly scramble to see which cleric present could get robed first to take over.


IMHO you aren't being any less of a priest if you don't take the services but perhaps you are putting your responsibilities as a parent or child in the proper order if you get a colleague to do the service.
 

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Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Boogie:
My Dad married me. He walked up the aisle with me, dropped me off with my husband-to-be then carried on up to the altar.

We both looked lovely in white

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quote:

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Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
We both looked lovely in white

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That reminds me of the card I bought for a wedding couple recently (one of whom was training for ordination), which had one of the guests saying 'Lovely dress!' and the vicar saying 'Thank You!'
 

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Posted by Jonah the Whale (# 1244) on :
 
My son's father-in-law was the assistant chaplain (like a curate) of our church, which is where the wedding took place. He was very keen NOT to do the marrying part, but simply as the bride's father. I was surprised at first because I assumed he would find it quite special to perform the ceremony for his own daughter. That was also the position my grandpa was in when he married my parents (though I wasn't around at the time to witness it). After reflection it did make a lot of sense for all the reasons mention by others above.

Our sons were baptised as teenagers, by immersion. I was surprised when our chaplain asked me if I would like to help with the immersion part - I had thought it was something that only clergy would do. I have to say I found it a very moving experience.
 

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Posted by S. Bacchus (# 17778) on :
 
Am I right in thinking that the provision for each priest to say three masses on All Souls Day was so that he could say a requiem for his parents/other relations, one for deceased parishoners and benefactors, and one for all the faithful departed?

I think that saying a requiem for dead relatives is one of those things that fall under the rather old-fashioned category of being 'of private duty bounden'.

ETA: I don't think there's traditionally been the idea that priests have similar duty with regards to Baptism or Holy Matrimony, though.

And 'marrying your own family' can be illegal, depending on the sense meant!

[ 13. August 2013, 15:32: Message edited by: S. Bacchus ]
 

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Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Angloid:
PS I preached at my mother's funeral and my brother presided at the requiem. However, when my father died I presided at a 'family' requiem before the public funeral led by the local vicar. Personally it helped me to have that degree of involvement. But others' MMV.

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Me and my sister organised and spoke at our Dad's (non-Christian) funeral amd I've been at other funerals taken by family members rather than a bought-in minister. It often works better than having a funeral taken by someone who didn;t know the dead person ata all, though I suppose it requires quite a lot of confidence at a very bad time.

On the happier side, I have met a vicar who baptised his own mother
 

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Posted by Carys (# 78) on :
 
My grandfather married my parents and baptised me and my brother and quite possibly others of his grandchildren. Suspect also his children, but don't know for sure. OTOH my uncle (the only ordained child when they died) did not conduct my grandparents' funerals though he spoke or prayed. Said uncle married his daughter last year. He didn't baptise his grandson, but that was because d-in-l is RC

Carys
 

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