Ship of Fools: Drained...

Thread: Drained... Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on :

It's been a couple of weeks of pretty awful stuff happening in my little part of the world. Three of my folks have lost their jobs, one is dealing with an unplanned pregnancy (the baby-daddy wants nothing to do with her or the child), one is fighting - and losing - his struggle with meth addiction, two are in abusive relationships but are scared/unwilling to untangle themselves from their abusers, two are spinning out of control on booze and pills, one is facing losing his house for unpaid taxes (he's been out of work for over a year) and one keeps talking about going home and drinking weed-killer. And that's just the major stuff. All the little niggly bits of life are still happening to everyone as well.

Each and every one of the above mentioned folks come to me to talk, come to me for support. I'm glad to give it. I'm not complaining about that. I'm glad that my messed up self is able to offer some kind of comfort to people who are hurting. And it's kind of my job - you cry in your beer and pour out your troubles to your bartender. The cliche is true.

However, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I'm being asked to give so much of my energy to so many people that I barely have enough for myself. I know, I know, I could just say 'no' to someone asking for help, but I'm not made that way. I truly care for all of these people and it hurts me to see them hurting.

I try to encourage folks to get professional help. I've got the names and numbers of therapists and support groups and lawyers. I try to take care of myself. I take time everyday for quiet me-time. I talk to God. I talk to my pastor. I talk to my shrink. But I'm still struggling with feelings of being overwhelmed.

So my question for all y'all is this: what else can I do? How do I keep on being the person I'm supposed to be, doing what I love, without becoming a complete raving lunatic. How do you deal with the heartache and pressure of loving and listening to flawed, scared, hurting people?

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

Bess, I don't know the answer but I shall be holding you in the Light.

[Votive]

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Bess, I don't know the answer but I shall be holding you in the Light.

Amen. I, too, wish I had something to say that would be helpful. [Frown]

It would be too big for me, and I'd probably run and hide under my covers.

Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :

quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
I talk to my pastor. I talk to my shrink.

Ask them how they do it?

Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :

I have nothing helpful to say at this late hour, night before beginning another fairly intense week as a special education teacher with a number of difficult parent meetings on deck, except... I feel ya. Sometimes, it helps me to be honest with the folks I know--to nakedly say, look, I'm carrying a lot of other people's pain right now, and it'd be extra damn swell if you helped me carry mine. I'll ask, at times, for hugs and such. Folks usually want to give them.

What a blessing you are to so many. May that love come back to you at times like this.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

Do you have, or can you find, someone who will give a regular half an hour or so a week so you can unload on them? I used to co-counsel with a friend and it was invaluable - we each had half an hour of uninterrupted time when we could talk through our week without judgement from the other side. It was very therapeutic and because we listened to one another it was free of cost.

Posted by Taliesin (# 14017) on :

Yes, like supervision is to a therapist. Personally, I find co counselling more emotionally satisfying.

Do hold some boundaries, Bess. People will take and take til you're all used up, and then lament that you've 'gone cold' or 'not the person you used to be' without seeing their own part in that process.
Love and prayers to you.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

The other thing I did was keep a sort of journal and take that to the co-counselling with me, it helped me dump stuff twice - first on paper and then to J.

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

Get a Motorbike*.

Fly Safe, Pyx_e

*(or some other relationship with grace and beauty)

[ 21. October 2013, 08:33: Message edited by: Pyx_e ]

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

Bess Higgs

How is the hunting going?

Jengie

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

BH, it seems to me that you're the best sort of neighbour/friend/barmaid that anyone could imagine, and you could no more stop being the way you are than a leopard could change his spots.

In their own way, the people whose burdens seem to find their way onto your shoulders probably appreciate you, but they're not able to articulate that appreciation.

I think Wodders' suggestion of a mutual "unloading" session with a friend sounds very sensible.

Like others on here, I'll keep you in my prayers. [Votive]

[ 21. October 2013, 15:15: Message edited by: piglet ]

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :

*hug* that shit is a bitch.

I'm getting really wordy here. forgive me, I SO SO SO feel your pain. I used to drive carloads of drunks home after every shift. I used to sneak food into people's cars while they were riding the stool. I used to arrange for babysitters for job interviews, did fundraisers where I gave up all my tips so people could make rent, and regularly talked to the cops about who I was concerned for. I paid for so many cab rides out of my tips the cab company had a standing discount for us. I even put people up on my couch and in one situation, invented a handyman job at my own house to give a regular paying work (I do NOT recommend this). it's a rough go. World's worst-paying shrink job.

you got this, it's all about CYAF and cowgirling up.

first of all, that co-counseling idea. I worked in a place where we had a staff of 12, 8 of whom were other bartenders. they knew the same people, heard the same stories, and in many cases also knew those people outside of work. We all needed to vent and would meet up with each other regularly and the venting would happen. I'd specifically go into the bar when I knew it was a quietish night to chat with my co-workers and just get it off of my chest. I also socialized with them in other ways - workouts, coffee, volunteer activities. it helped a lot. I don't know if you have that opportunity. might even be worth hiring someone part time. do you have door keepers? they're also very good for that, and the bonus is that you're sharing info and concerns so that everyone is watching the same people, too. if you don't have a staff to share with - first, I recommend it! but second, specifically find that person or people to help. other tenders from nearby (they may be in another establishment, but they are your coworkers) friends who are not so close they'd like to "fix it" for you (meaning, not your husband), clergy, and even a shrink. it's not being weak, it's shoring up the strong.

Also, do you keep a bar log? I STRONGLY recommend it. first of all, if you get in legal hot water, the existence of a bar log will save your ass. You have to regularly maintain it for the courts to take it into consideration, which requires a daily download. But the other side of it is that you're keeping tabs on issues in a written form, and can watch issues as they progress.

In case you're not: keep a journal, labelled "Bar Log" with the name of your business and the start date written on the cover. After EVERY SHIFT you write the date, the shift, and make a short entry on pertinent events. keep in mind it's a legally binding document (or could be) so try to stick to business. But remember, the mental health of your patrons is partly your business. So your entries need to include the obvious stuff:

"X was going to drive but I talked him out of his keys and called him a ride"

"Y was sounding agressive and fighty so I cut him off after 3 beers."

"Z appeared to be on some sort of mind-altering substance so I refused service."

All of those will be the kind that cover your ass. vital to the log. if you log for every shift, even if the entry is "no problems today" then these hold a lot of weight if someone tries to blame you for stupid drunk tricks.

further, though, add the stuff you mentioned above:

"A is going through a rough divorce and has been talking about harming himself."

"B was in here for the third time when I know she told her husband she's not drinking."

"C said some worrying things that make me wondering if he's abusing his kids."

These help in a few ways - first of all, a place for you to just keep a record. it helps when you start to overwhelm. you need to download, even if only in short, factual statements. (your emotional rant also needs to happen, but that's a different journal) It also helps you keep track of things over time. you can go look and see that you were concerned enough to mention A's problems a year ago, this might be a trend. and thirdly, in the legal perspective, even if you don't refuse service or anything, if someone really fucks up you can wave the log around and say, "this person has been a concern of mine for three years! this was not an isolated incident!"

all of that has value.

finally, my other coping strategy was probably not something people will be supportive about, and rightly so. but the reality is, it works. Start shutting off the compassion, just a little, and let people fuck up. you don't have to be mama. you can't be mama. by definition, bar patrons are adults. and bar regulars are often psychosocial disasters. otherwise, they'd not have a social life that revolves around chemical escapism. Accept that. your job, as rewarding and wonderful as it can be, is the job of an enabler. It is so easy for us to see our patrons as a sort of extended family. and that's okay, within limits. But those limits are vital.

And sometimes, you're going to find things coming out of your mouth or running through your mind that are uncharitable to say the least. "Serves him right." or "She's such a loser" or whatever. Forgive yourself. when you work in this field, it's easy to get a little judgy. and frankly, it's better to give voice to those feelings then to constantly berate yourself for having them. it's natural. and it helps to get it off your chest. just don't let it rule you.

just like don't let the compassion part rule you. separate yourself. let people screw up. refuse to listen to the fifth time so-and-so goes on about how he wuz wronged. be the voice of some tough love - you know, a good portion of the time what people need to hear isn't what they want to hear. so turn off the nice and tell the truth sometimes. "yes, you did actually fuck up your relationship. No, you can't get her back. be a man and move on." or even, "You know what, Bob? you've been singing this same song for 6 months. you haven't done anything to fix it. I'm tired of hearing about it."

you'll get some hurt feelings at first. it won't last. will it keep them from their regular? for maybe a week or two. and is that a bad thing?

I know where you are, and if it helps I'm happy to be the recipient of your venting, I can pass along phone and/or email. the thing is, you NEED to be regularly downloading this stuff or it will eat away at you. Also, if youre on FB there is a really good private group that I can include you in called Life Behind Bars*. they vent, they joke together, they say nasty things about patrons and it comes across as the most terribly negative place sometimes, but then the positive stuff gets posted, too. and networking with your colleagues is vital. LBB has servers from around the world, and it is very important to have that support system. let me know if you're interested.

hang in there, girly. you can make this easier and more copable.

*if you read the Westboro thread in Hell, I posted about some LBB activity awhile back that was particularly positive.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

I recognise those feelings of being overwhelmed, BessHiggs, when several of my friends - all at once it seemed - had crises (some marital, some spiritual, one poor soul both). I learnt from a wise priest how he managed to cope - get people to make arrangements to see you which will last no longer than one hour each (and limit the number). Yes, it might sound harsh, but it sends a message out to all your friends/colleagues that your health/ability to cope is precious too, not just their needs. Take heart from the fact that even Jesus himself needed to take time away from everyone when he felt overwhelmed.

Nobody, but nobody, has the right to presume upon your good nature to the extent that they end up making you ill over it. If necessary, get some some supportive, but not-currently-needy friends to back you up in your resolve not to let them.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Great, GREAT post, comet. [Overused]

quote:
Also, if youre on FB there is a really good private group that I can include you in called Life Behind Bars*. they vent, they joke together, they say nasty things about patrons and it comes across as the most terribly negative place sometimes, but then the positive stuff gets posted, too.

Sounds like the Ship's Hell, except more private. Sometimes you just need a Hell to unload.

Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :

Some excellent replies, the off-loading one is my favourite.

You also deserve some time off for good behaviour every day, which might include laughter at your favourite comedian, an hour of meditation or contemplative prayer or massage or sauna or sex or a walk by the sea etc.

[Votive]

Posted by Belle Ringer (# 13379) on :

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
finally, my other coping strategy was probably not something people will be supportive about, and rightly so. but the reality is, it works. Start shutting off the compassion, just a little, and let people fuck up. you don't have to be mama. you can't be mama.

Absolutely yes.

We all have problems, we all need help and encouragement from friends, we all want to be there for those who need help. And as we get older and more broadly connected we all genuinely care about more and more hurting people.

You must set limits or they will suck you dry to destruction. Remember the swimmer lifesaving lessons - the drowning man is dangerous because he instinctively tries to save himself by climbing onto you, pushing you under water.

In spite of the preaching about "true love is unlimited" and "sacrifice, give until it hurts," we are all very limited beings. Giving to self-destruction only reduces the help and increases the need in the world.

I like the "bar journal" idea for more than a bar - it's about patterns. Notice what's going on over time.

Does that friend show up only when she needs help, never to enjoy your company doing something fun or productive together, and she's always too busy when you need help? Either work on developing a mutual enjoyment or stop thinking of her as a friend when as to you she's just a taker.

Is he working toward becoming reliably self-supporting, or just talking about it? I have a perpetually starving friend who is clinging to a dream of being a college professor at an elite school, doesn't have a PhD but keeps applying for those jobs, refuses to look into teaching at a junior college because it would mean giving up the dream, brings in a little money painting walls, but keeps being unable to pay the rent on time (but buys all the TV channels offered including premium ones to watch sports several hours a day). BrAt some point he has to face that most of us don't get our dream, and we craft a decent life another way. Not going to happen as long as his parents send him money to make up for the rent shortfall. He's over 45!

Encouraging someone to depend on us by being always there for them, is called enabling. We want to be dependably there in time of need, but ultimately that becomes destructive to the one we want to help. It's the role of Mama, but as Comet said we are not Mama, we can't become Mama. (And when the kids are grown, continuing to be Mama can destroy them, as with my career-less friend.)

If you are being drained repeatedly, you need to set new limits.

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

quote:
my other coping strategy was probably not something people will be supportive about, and rightly so. but the reality is, it works. Start shutting off the compassion, just a little, and let people fuck up. you don't have to be mama.

Good Post Comet, and want to say quickly I am not disagreeing with the above. But if a I may a couple of thoughts and a nuance.

One of the hardest things I am still having to learn/understand/come to terms with is “tough love.” I see so many people unable to express real lasting compassion leap into the tough love mode. To myself I say “I will try to be kind and compassionate for as long as I can by Grace”, “I will not resort to tough love” and my watch word “It is better to be kind than right.” But the truth is for all the kindnesses done to me sometimes it is the wilderness, the loss of love that has forced me to see myself for the idiot I sometimes am.

The problem is where is the line? The line is always reached though love, patience and charity. The line is never the first or even 50th option but there must be a line.

I know too many broken and cold people who have loved long and deep only to be constantly used and abused even. So they start to hate deep down. This way lies madness.

So I guess my nuance is not “shutting off the compassion” but “being appropriately compassionate.” While still holding the person in love and prayer.

Last week I denied one of my regulars. I have freely and happily given them food and money for years, they have continued to pursue a drug habit, I (a recovering addict myself who knows all the tricks) have enabled that to a degree. I gave them plenty of warning that I could not / would not do this for much longer. I still feel like a heel, and they are none too pleased with me either. I say this only to note that while I am very “experienced” I still really struggle to find the “appropriate” facet of Love. And being a bit tougher is not (and should never be) a pleasant experience. I am have also learnt to know when the angry and disappointed voice in me begs me to “tell them some home truths” that the problem is mine not theirs and I have to do some work.

But there is a line, which is different for everyone in every situation. And I do not have to swing from one extreme to another, maybe I need to pray a bit harder to imagine a different way. Only by Grace maybe?

Lastly, my post about the motorbike was serious, I have to find ways to reconnect with Beauty and Grace, to lift up my heart, my eyes , my soul.

Fly Safe, Pyx_e

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Pyx_e's post makes a lot of sense. Drawing the line but in a caring way. And forgive yourself if you get it wrong - no one person can solve all the world's troubles.

Posted by Gramps49 (# 16378) on :

Sounds like you should do what Jesus did, get away from it all for a while, like a very long weekend. Ditch the cell phone. Go to the Smokies. Find a stream. Take a book. Enjoy a log fire. Get away for a few days.

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

Carer Fatigue is very real. Everyone needs respite - a place to go and pull up the drawbridge after you. Praying you find it, Bess. [Votive]

Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on :

Thank you everyone for the wonderful support, encouragement, and good advice. Not to be all gushy, but I knew all y'all'd have some sound things to say.

@Jengie - no joy on bow season, but rifle is right around the corner, as is duck season.

@Pyx_e - I don't like bikes, but a couple of hours freezing my butt off in my tree stand or the duck blind is my bliss, plus, it means potential food (my other bliss)

@comet - you rock girl, and I'm sending a PM about that FB group.

Everyone, thanks again so much. You all have no idea what it means to me to have somewhere like the Ship to go and spew, and get positive answers back...

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

I've been on both ends of needing extreme support and giving it.

I eventually got to a place of telling the person in need that I couldn't carry them, but I could encourage them. I tell them as soon as it looks like they may want/expect me to carry them. That gives them a heads-up, and helps us both keep some balance.

FWIW. IME, YMMV.

[Votive]

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