Thread: Shit pastors say Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :
 
Some preachers, priests and pastors say some pretty whacked out crap. I saw some posts in the Value of Suffering thread, and thought, you know, there's some pretty messed up preachifying and bastard-pastor - is there such a thing as a "pastard"? - garbage-crap out there, that it might be worthy to collect it all.

Here's one from my experience to start us off. I have no idea what this means. He told me this after my mother died.

"God draws water up a tree trunk to the leaves at the end of its branches the way we are drawn to heaven after we die."

[ 22. November 2013, 23:51: Message edited by: no prophet ]
 

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Posted by Mechtilde (# 12563) on :
 
Nothing to contribute, but

"Pastard":
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
We had a pastard (love that term!) who made up scriptures and laws of nature from the pulpit. One of my favorite eyerolls was when she preached that the Church has celebrated Christmas Eve for two thousand years, and it's on the longest night of the year. A twofer!!
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
"In Jesus's time they had something a bit like Christingle so all the little boys and girls could remember the other people in the world who weren't so lucky" - from a pastardess in Sussex 2 years ago
 

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Posted by BessHiggs (# 15176) on :
 
I had gone with a friend to a local church. we get to the prayers of the people and the pastor told the congregation that unless they came up to the altar rail to pray that God would be offended by their prayers.

And not a pastard, but the flopsy-mopsy wife of a local politician was serving as ligurgist a couple of months ago, and told a fifteen minute story about a kitten. She had prayed for a kitten and found one on the side of the road, so she took it home, but it died and that just showed her that God would answer her prayers in God's time, not hers. So, ummmm, God killed a kitten to teach you patience?!?
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
On Christmas Day last year my Pastard preached about his visit to Auschwitz. He said, you might be wondering why I am talking about Auschwitz at Christmas (Yes, we certainly were!!!); it is because 'Christmas is for everyone.'


 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
Same Pastard told me that people who are going to commit suicide never talk about it, and those who talk about it never do it.

That was in response to me telling him that I was having SI as a direct result of overwork for the church. One month later I had a nervous breakdown.

Pastard.
 

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Posted by quetzalcoatl (# 16740) on :
 
In a rural village in Norfolk, being told that 9/11 happened because American people had decided to shut God out. Where does this bilge come from?
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
It wasn't a pastor but I once read a non-fiction book where someone trying to console a couple for the loss of their only child came out with this gem, "She had to die so that you would turn to God and start believing."

At this point I flung the book down and told it what I thought.
 

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Posted by cattyish (# 7829) on :
 
We had a lovely minister for a while who mistakenly assumed that everyone in the congregation had as joyful a marriage as their own. They preached a series of three sermons on how like marriage our relationship to God should be. After the third tooth-grinding overshare I felt God lead me to point out that not all marriages live up to the ideal. I didn't hear another sermon on the same basis from them.

Cattyish, average wife.

[ 23. November 2013, 15:52: Message edited by: cattyish ]
 

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Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :
 
This isn't QUITE in the 'pastard' class, but the stupidity and inappropriateness of it was astounding.
A guest priest, preaching at the Christmas Eve Midnight Mass (in a small AC parish where I was musician), took up the whole sermon time to retell that totally baseless fiction that 'The 12 Days of Christmas' was a Jesuit teaching device for underground Roman Catholics in Tudor England.

Aside from the idiotic untruth of the story, it had absolutely NOTHING of the Christmas Gospel in it!

I nearly started throwing things.

(Belated apologies -- I think I've sung this rant before, probably last year at this time.)
 

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Posted by Jade Constable (# 17175) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by L'organist:
"In Jesus's time they had something a bit like Christingle so all the little boys and girls could remember the other people in the world who weren't so lucky" - from a pastardess in Sussex 2 years ago

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I....what? What??

And that's just seeing a female pastard in Sussex
 

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Posted by listener (# 15770) on :
 
"...Keep your hand on the throttle and your eye on the rail as you walk through life's pathway"..
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oooh, wanna know my favorite?


"COme little ones, gather round me for the children's sermon. Today we are going to talk about Mark 9:42-- 'If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.'

What that means, little ones, is that raising children is a huge responsibility, land when you disobey, it is like hanging a stone of burdensome worry around your parent's neck. So who want's to be a mill stone? Not you good little children, fright? So be sure and be obedient."

I still can't figure out how the pastard in question arrived at that logic, but I bet the Good Lord is having a lot of fun right now teaching him the meaning of the word "Millstone."
 

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Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by georgiaboy:
This isn't QUITE in the 'pastard' class, but the stupidity and inappropriateness of it was astounding.
A guest priest, preaching at the Christmas Eve Midnight Mass (in a small AC parish where I was musician), took up the whole sermon time to retell that totally baseless fiction that 'The 12 Days of Christmas' was a Jesuit teaching device for underground Roman Catholics in Tudor England.

Aside from the idiotic untruth of the story, it had absolutely NOTHING of the Christmas Gospel in it!

I nearly started throwing things.

(Belated apologies -- I think I've sung this rant before, probably last year at this time.)

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quote:

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Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
In a rural village in Norfolk, being told that 9/11 happened because American people had decided to shut God out. Where does this bilge come from?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.

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Although I hope someone helped them with transport to a friendlier place, rather than them just be abandoned.
 

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Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
A fascinating topic. We really DO have to be careful about what we let slip through our lips.

Long ago, in pre-Vatican II days, I was a student at a fairly elite secular college in rural New England. The pastor of the local RC church -- and also the RC chaplain at the college, for lack of anyone else -- was noted for his loathing for the kinds of students who did not go to Catholic universities. On one occasion, I confided in him that I was having doubts about papal infallibility. Without pausing for breath, and with the steam almost visibly pouring from his ears, he shouted that he had not devoted his life to the priesthood just to to have to listen to privileged young people questioning the teachings of Holy Mother Church. I remember rising from my chair (with dignity, I hope), thanking him, and not returning to any church for many years.

This priest's sermons concentrated heavily on Sin -- the most serious of which seemed to be (a) sexual misbehavior and (b) lack of generosity when the collection plate was passed. I recall vividly his jeremiads against thsoe who would not enter the church parking lot correctly: "You go IN the north entrance and OUT the south entrance."

Looking back I realize that this unfortunate man was seriously out of his depth in this particular job, and that discomfort and insecurity had led to a kind of madness.
 

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Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by mrs whibley:
Although I hope someone helped them with transport to a friendlier place, rather than them just be abandoned.

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Heaven?


I remember as a child hearing a preacher explaining in great detail how makeup was worldly because the word "cosmetics" came from the Greek word "cosmos" which meant "world".

It's probably why I went into translation.
 

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Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on :
 
When I was a correctional chaplain I was off work on Sundays and I had local pastors who volunteered to lead services in the jail. The inmates often reported to me on Monday morning on what the visiting pastors had said. The following are a few of the remarks that upset those who were incarcerated, and made sure I never invited the pastor to return.

" Now I want you all to bow your heads and pray with me that George Bush will be elected president of the United States, because we all know he is a Godly man."

" The reason your baby died is because of your sins"

" If women would just be submissive to their husbands like the Bible says, men would not have to beat them."

" The reason God has not answered your prayers is because of your lack of faith. When you have more faith then God will listen to you. "

And my all time favorite, " You should not pay any attention to the Chaplain, she has no right to be ministering to you men, she is not under the headship of a male and has no Biblical authority to preach or teach. "

Sorry to report the list goes on.


 

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Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
Thinking about these stories, it seems that messages like this (whether coming from insensitivity, ignorance, hard-heartedness, or outright lunacy) could be thought of as a kind of a anti-Evangelism, shutting peoples ears and driving them away.
 

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Posted by Palimpsest (# 16772) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by roybart:
Thinking about these stories, it seems that messages like this (whether coming from insensitivity, ignorance, hard-heartedness, or outright lunacy) could be thought of as a kind of a anti-Evangelism, shutting peoples ears and driving them away.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Trudy Scrumptious:
Things said during children's story or children's sermonette ought to have a category of their own.

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I totally agree. Christmas Eve should be another one! I'm amazed at all the stories included in this thread. Maybe this should be required reading for potential pastards?
 

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Posted by Jade Constable (# 17175) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.

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quote:

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Originally posted by art dunce:
I was at Trinity Cathedral in Portland, Or a couple of years ago on Christmas Eve and the rector delivered a rambling sermon to a packed house of velvet clad west siders that inexplicably turned from quantum physics to shepherds having sex with their animals. I kid you not. My son leaned over and asked me what the heck he was talking about.

The worst though was when I was a child and my mother, brother and I attended the neighborhood Baptist church (my father was Catholic and took us only periodically) until one day when my mother finally left my father for being abusive. The pastor explained that my brother and I were still welcome and they would find us a ride! but my mother was no longer welcomed. During a horrible, frightening, lost and lonely moment in her life. I didn't go back to any church for years.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:

quote:

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Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.

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!

I have a horrible feeling I know the vicar in question. PM me please!

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quote:

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Originally posted by mrs whibley:

quote:

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Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.

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Although I hope someone helped them with transport to a friendlier place, rather than them just be abandoned.

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• There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-O. B-I-N-G-O (3x), and Bingo was his name-O

The pastor had written some doggerel 'religious' verses to that, and sat down on the floor to do his entertaining song to the kids gathered around. He said "you kids can join in the last part, I'm sure you know it!" He started up.... and got to the refrain: J-E-S-I-S, J-E-S-I-S, J-E-S-I-S and Jesus was his name-o. The song went on while the kids snickered and giggled. He thought it was a success, as the kids were having such a great time.
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
Not really a Pastard; a very well meaning and earnest preacher to a Thursday morning Eucharist congregation berated us all soundly for 20 minutes for being 'Sunday Christians', and simply did not realise the inappropriateness of that particular message to that particular congregation.


 

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Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :
 
I knew one who got his wife to counsel a woman who had just found she couldn't have children (because this was Women's Stuff™ ).

The wife said to her, 'Oh, you must have children, or you'll never know what love is.'
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
I ought to mention services in Happy Town; I am sure we have all known them. Where every Mothering Sunday the only possible kind of mother is good and loving and stays at home with her children. When at Christmas everyone gets lots of presents and nobody ever sits at home alone.

In Happy Town there is so much denial going on, that nobody ever dares admit to being unhappy or depressed, or to having marital problems; cheerful is the order of the day; every day.

Happy Town is a lovely place to visit, but very unreal, and I would not really want to live there. Last time I visited at Christmas the sermon was; 'my favourite Christmas cards from this year and last', together with said cards held up for all to see and admire.
 

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Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 
Shit pastors say? Just google Pat Robertson. 'Nuff said!

[ 25. November 2013, 17:57: Message edited by: ChaliceGirl ]
 

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Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :
 
A few years ago we were at the funeral of a young friend who had died in an accident. As a teenager he had had a son who was by then about 9 years old. The sermon (by a retired minister who just did funerals) was addressed directly to the child, and was entirely on the raising of Lazarus. It was not a habitually church-going crowd, and looking at the urn on the table, I am sure a good number of people were thinking, "Now what?"
 

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Posted by mrs whibley (# 4798) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Zacchaeus:

quote:

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Originally posted by Jade Constable:

quote:

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Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.

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!

I have a horrible feeling I know the vicar in question. PM me please!

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I'm now in my mid 50's but on many occasions over the last 10 years I have felt I should
apologise for being in the church as I am too old..

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quote:

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Originally posted by listener:
"...Keep your hand on the throttle and your eye on the rail as you walk through life's pathway"..

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I am seriously considering making this my new sig line!!
 

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Posted by Signaller (# 17495) on :
 
Many years ago we had a visiting preacher. He preached about sin, and he was agin it. Nothing to see there, perhaps- but he had a mannerism which this middle-aged middle-class congregation wasn't used to: 'brothers and sisters' peppered his delivery. He told us the story of a young man he had known who had a terrible problem. The preacher was coy about what this problem was, but boy, was it terrible. At last, with the assembled company on the edge of their seats, desperate to find out what the terrible sin was, he came out with it:

'Brothers and sisters (pause); he liked to dress in women's clothes.'

You could have heard a pin drop. Someone let out a strange strangled snort, as of a person trying too hard not to laugh. I realised too late that it was me.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Drifting Star:
I knew one who got his wife to counsel a woman who had just found she couldn't have children (because this was Women's Stuff™ ).

The wife said to her, 'Oh, you must have children, or you'll never know what love is.'

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Fuck me running.
 

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Posted by Jade Constable (# 17175) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Signaller:
Many years ago we had a visiting preacher. He preached about sin, and he was agin it. Nothing to see there, perhaps- but he had a mannerism which this middle-aged middle-class congregation wasn't used to: 'brothers and sisters' peppered his delivery. He told us the story of a young man he had known who had a terrible problem. The preacher was coy about what this problem was, but boy, was it terrible. At last, with the assembled company on the edge of their seats, desperate to find out what the terrible sin was, he came out with it:

'Brothers and sisters (pause); he liked to dress in women's clothes.'

You could have heard a pin drop. Someone let out a strange strangled snort, as of a person trying too hard not to laugh. I realised too late that it was me.

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Ohhhh that reminds me of something I'd successfully blocked out Some years ago I was at the 4pm cafe church style family service of a conservative evangelical Anglican church I attended. At this church, the sermon series would be the same at the 4pm and 7pm services, with 10am service going by the lectionary. The 10am service and 4pm service both had Sunday school for the children during the sermon, but at the 4pm service generally those aged 10 and over stayed for the sermon. This is relevant, I promise! This church had a number of retired clergy who preached, and one with ahem, interesting social skills was preaching that day. I can't remember what the theme of the sermon was exactly but sexual sin came into it somehow. It ended up becoming a sermon on the sins of swingers for a congregation full of teens and pre-teens
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Maybe they learned something new. But probably not.
 

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Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 
In my former parish, the rector thought it would be a good idea to have his wife guest preach (she is also an Episcopal priest). She started out her sermon, in all seriousness, with "Something traumatic happened to me....I had to take my generaal ordination exam." I kept waiting for the "traumatic" part of the story and it never came. No disrespect to clergy who had to endure this intense exam, but I hardly call it "traumatic!" Since she was the rector's wife, we all just very polite and didn't say out loud how lame a preacher she was.
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Great thread. I'm tempted to print it off and keep it.

I'm sure I've pastardized many a sermon. Sometimes I look back on my old computer copies of sermons and blush. The more I think about the responsibility of preaching, the less I want to do it.
 

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Posted by mrs whibley (# 4798) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Anselmina:
Great thread. I'm tempted to print it off and keep it.

I'm sure I've pastardized many a sermon. Sometimes I look back on my old computer copies of sermons and blush. The more I think about the responsibility of preaching, the less I want to do it.

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I think this is one of those things where if you actually care, then you can't have gone far wrong! Or you could always atone by preaching a 'stupid things I have said in sermons' sermon.
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Not a Pastard, just a really meandering preacher: This retired priest who sometimes presides at weekday Mass has, on multiple occasions, found a way to work into his over-extended homily that he knows Ann B. Davis ("Alice" on the Brady Bunch). Which has never, in even the remotest way, had anything to do with the readings of the day, but neither did the rest of his homily.

quote:

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Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:
Same Pastard told me that people who are going to commit suicide never talk about it, and those who talk about it never do it.

That was in response to me telling him that I was having SI as a direct result of overwork for the church. One month later I had a nervous breakdown.

Pastard.

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I'm so sorry that happened to you. I remember a youth pastor preaching to our youth group that suicide is the most selfish sin. Great, I thought, one more thing to feel guilty about when you're feeling suicidal.

quote:

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Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
On a bad day, it's hard to tell the difference between him and the south end of a northbound donkey.

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That just went into the Quotes thread.
 

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Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :
 
Mine goes back to the days of my youth, and involves what we might call a bishard. It was an RC confirmation service, which at the time was mostly 8-11 year old confirmands, and His Grace said that his homily was directed at the adults in the congregation so we youngsters shouldn't listen. He then used his homily to preach on the evils of contraception, no doubt inspired by how many children were in front of him. Not even my parents thought the bishop was playing with a full deck that day.
 

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Posted by Charles Read (# 3963) on :
 
The scene is the vicarage lounge of a friend of ours on Christmas Day. It is after church and we are having pre-lunch drinkies having just attended the service which she has taken at the church next door. She is the minister of another church too (St Pius) and has sent her two curates to take the service there - X to preside and Y to preach at an All Age Eucharist.

The 'phone rings in the study; our friend goes off to answer it. She returns looking ashen and saying 'Oh my God. That was the churchwarden of St Pius. She said "I just want to tell you what happened this morning before anyone else phones you to complain".'

I said 'It was X wasn't it - has she sworn at someone while leading the service again?'

'No, it was Y. On Christmas Day, at an all age eucharist, he decided to preach on suffering and death. In graphic detail'

We all reach for more sherry. She refused to train any more curates.
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
I love the new terms coined in this thread; Pastard and Bishard. And praught for past tense of preach.

I am going to use these forever. Maybe longer. xxx
 

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Posted by cosmic dance (# 14025) on :
 
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.

Not just deranged, also evil.
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Pastard is too good a word for such a monster.
 

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Posted by Hawk (# 14289) on :
 
I think more of these stories need to end with "and then I punched him in the face." The world would be much happier if so.
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Hawk:
I think more of these stories need to end with "and then I punched him in the face." The world would be much happier if so.

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I agree wholeheartedly.
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by cosmic dance:
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.

Not just deranged, also evil.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:

quote:

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Originally posted by Hawk:
I think more of these stories need to end with "and then I punched him in the face." The world would be much happier if so.

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I agree wholeheartedly.

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quote:

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Originally posted by justlooking:
Someone once said exactly this to me after listening to a 'Sermon Slot' at an 'all-age worship' service. The 'slot' was introduced by the vicar who posed the question of what we need as 'spiritual food'. He spoke for around 5-6 minutes. This was followed by the congregation being equipped with paper plates and filing along a line of children who stuck labels onto the plates; 'bible', 'prayer', 'fellowship' etc. Nine labels in all. The vicar then addressed each of these labels in turn, speaking for 3-4 minutes on each. In all the 'sermon slot' lasted around 45- 50 minutes. Someone sitting by me confided that after that he just wanted to punch the vicar in the face.

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I would have headed for the door long before the 45-50 minute point.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
The late Andrew Blair CR used to tell his students that good preaching was like drilling for oil but with a much shorter time-scale and summed it up thus: if you don't strike oil in 10 minutes stop boring.

Worst I've ever heard? Pastardess who used the sermon slot to deliver an oral love-letter to a member of the congregation who had decided to put herself forward for Reader training - cringe-making. And in the process of so-doing she managed not only to rubbish the contribution of 2 of the parishes Readers but then ignored the 3rd (another woman) completely. It was point-scoring and grudge-grinding on an epic scale: all the congregation (including the wannabe Reader) were very uncomfortable.

Had the bishop at the time been of a different cut I'd have written to him - it was so bad. Bitch
 

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Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :
 
Spiritual food:
 

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Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by L'organist:
The late Andrew Blair CR used to tell his students that good preaching was like drilling for oil but with a much shorter time-scale and summed it up thus: if you don't strike oil in 10 minutes stop boring.

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Bishop Coyne teaches preaching at the seminary in Indianapolis. He's been known to start tapping his pen on the desk while students are preaching: once for each parishioner falling asleep! It certainly gets the point across...
 

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Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
My top two pastards were both missionaries giving talks about their missions. The first was a (white) missionary in South Africa during the apartheid era. I walked out conspicuously while muttering loudly when he said, 'And of course, black people have lower morals' Apparently the rest of the congregation were more upset by me then him.

The second was a missionary from China who spoke at length and unnecessary goriness with added slides about all the persecution Chinese Christians faced. He said their persecution glorified God (something I have an issue with in itself - their reaction to persecution is what glorifies God) and then prayed at length and detail that we may all face severe persecution so we would glorify God.
 

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Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by cosmic dance:
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.

Not just deranged, also evil.

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quote:

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Originally posted by The Undercover Christian:

This is about as appropriate as alleviating your boredom in church by pretending that they're singing about you.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pyx_e:
I never really got the mote/plank story until I read this thread.

If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.

Fly Safe, Pyx_e

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quote:

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Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:

quote:

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Originally posted by cosmic dance:
The biggest all-time Pastard I ever knew, told me that there was a 50% chance that my baby girl (who had only lived a few hours after birth) was in hell, because God knew all the choices she would have made, had she lived.

Not just deranged, also evil.

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That is indeed totally evil. And totally, absolutely, 100% wrong. Imho, your baby is safe in the arms of a loving God; anything else is unthinkable.

I am very sorry that happened to you, cosmic dance.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pyx_e:
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pyx_e:
I never really got the mote/plank story until I read this thread.

If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.

Fly Safe, Pyx_e

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pyx_e:
If I were to make up a rude name for women / women priests / gay people / disabled people / people of another race .......... I would be slapped down. But hey it's OK for you guy to call me a Pastard. There is foolishness and then there is nastyness. Take it to Hell if you wish to be assholes.

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quote:

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Originally posted by no prophet:
This was intended as a non-grim, humourous and possibly serious thread.

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My apologies to you and to the host for my post. I should have considered where the thread is situated before posting something as personal and heavy in tone on this thread. I have completely missed the intention of your OP. Please forgive me.

Cheers!
 

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Posted by venbede (# 16669) on :
 
Pooks -

I thought your post was a "good" (ie terrible) example of the things pastors shouldn't say.

You have my considerable sympathy. It must have been horrid for you.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Not a pastard but - fond memories of a very nervous curate who's vocal offerings became more scrambled as his nervousnes increased he sometimes sounded like a first cousin to Spooner.

Being exhorted to let the love of "the newly innarcate Chist rild into our hearts" one Christmas the choir just managed to hold it together until they reached the vestry ...

To give him his due, he joined in with the laughter and gradually lost some of his nerves - although I still cherish notices about "dangerous manoeuvres in the par cark".
 

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Posted by Dormouse (# 5954) on :
 
Teachers and representative pupils went to a funeral of a child from school who died of leukaemia. Her grieving parents, and family were there

"What a pity we don't see more of you in church on an ordinary Sunday" started the Vicar.


 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
We had that this morning - full church for the Christingle service including parade service for the uniformed groups and we still got "How nice it was to see a full church!" and "How nice it would be for people to come more often." And lots of people trying to get their messages across in length and depth, which actually made the service less attractive. (I was there as a Guide leader considering the girls who had come along for this and other parade services only.) Basically, the more you push and make your messages longer and longer, the less likely it is that we'll get those girls back next time.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
I can't help but think of this.

 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dormouse:

"What a pity we don't see more of you in church on an ordinary Sunday" started the Vicar.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I got chided for "backsliding" after being flat on my back in bed with an upper respiratory infection for a month. Yes, my family told the dear reverend what was up with me.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Dormouse:

"What a pity we don't see more of you in church on an ordinary Sunday" started the Vicar.

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Fucker.

I got chided for "backsliding" after being flat on my back in bed with an upper respiratory infection for a month. Yes, my family told the dear reverend what was up with me.

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To be fair, it was only an upper respiratory infection - the rest of you should have been able to get to church!

(Just checking that there's still an ocean and almost an entire continent between me and Kelly - that axe has a long reach...
 

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Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
One of the worst sermons I can remember hearing was when I was training for ordination. Mrs Grouch and I were attending our local church. The woman deacon (this was just before women were ordained to the priesthood) preached on Mary's pregnancy.

As a single woman who had never been pregnant, perhaps she should have chosen a different subject. She prattled endlessly about how WONDERFUL and SPECIAL Mary must have felt. Not one word about the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock. Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.

I could feel Mrs G tensing beside me and I held on to her arm. She admitted afterwards that I had not done so, she would have stood up, walked to the pulpit and given the silly person a complete tongue lashing.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.

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Perhaps she believed (as some do) that since Mary was conceived without sin she didn't have pain in childbirth (the "curse of Eve").

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Penny S:
Didn't she deliver Jesus through her ear?

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.

---

Perhaps she believed (as some do) that since Mary was conceived without sin she didn't have pain in childbirth (the "curse of Eve").

---

That was a very common viewpoint until recently.

I seem to remember that the Zeffirelli/Grade production of Jesus of Nazareth was criticised by the Catholic Church (I think it was) when it came out, because it showed Mary in childbirth writhing in slight discomfort, and clutching at her blanket. It is a very mild portrayal of childbirth, but was regarded as too much at the time.

I am far too old.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Simple mistake from mishearing something or other. There was the alternative of Him being beamed out by teleportation, wasn't there? Anything to avoid anything womanly.
 

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Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Penny S:
Simple mistake from mishearing something or other.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Penny S:
Simple mistake from mishearing something or other. There was the alternative of Him being beamed out by teleportation, wasn't there? Anything to avoid anything womanly.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Penny S:
There was the alternative of Him being beamed out by teleportation, wasn't there? Anything to avoid anything womanly.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Cottontail:
As a pastor who is single and childless, I am finding that this Christmas is proving quite 'triggering', for some reason.

---

Of course, I remember now, pastors are people too. There is "shit pastors hear", "shit pastors go through" and "shit pastors feel" to go alongside what they sometimes say.



 

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Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.

---

Perhaps she believed (as some do) that since Mary was conceived without sin she didn't have pain in childbirth (the "curse of Eve").

---

That was a very common viewpoint until recently.

I seem to remember that the Zeffirelli/Grade production of Jesus of Nazareth was criticised by the Catholic Church (I think it was) when it came out, because it showed Mary in childbirth writhing in slight discomfort, and clutching at her blanket. It is a very mild portrayal of childbirth, but was regarded as too much at the time.

I am far too old.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by mdijon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Cottontail:
As a pastor who is single and childless, I am finding that this Christmas is proving quite 'triggering', for some reason.

---

Of course, I remember now, pastors are people too. There is "shit pastors hear", "shit pastors go through" and "shit pastors feel" to go alongside what they sometimes say.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Eutychus:

quote:

---

Originally posted by mrs whibley:
Although I hope someone helped them with transport to a friendlier place, rather than them just be abandoned.

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Heaven?


I remember as a child hearing a preacher explaining in great detail how makeup was worldly because the word "cosmetics" came from the Greek word "cosmos" which meant "world".

It's probably why I went into translation.

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LOL! When I was a mere snip of a girl in Catholic school (back in the dim late 60's and 70's), the nuns taught us to call helicopters, "HILLicopters" so that we wouldn't say the word HELL.
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
All the talk about preaching on Mary reminds me of something a fellow doc student said to me a few years ago when the spring term started up again. I asked her how her break was, and she (a Catholic) said, "I was feeling really oppressed by Mary this Christmas." She was referring to the way preachers were going on about the importance of motherhood and all that... holding up Mary as an impossible role model for women. I had a funny dream later in which I was at a church in Dearborn which was built by the Ford family and so has a car in one of the stained glass windows, and in the dream, the window depicted a giant BVM kneeling beside a freeway playing with actual cars as if they were toys, causing massive traffic pile-ups. I blame my friend's pastors for that dream, somehow.

RE: the OP, I once heard a priest-in-charge introduce the church's new HR director, who happened to be ordained, thus: "...and she's ordained, so she will be participating fully in the liturgy." I looked at the guy next to me and said, "Did she just say you and I aren't full participants in the liturgy?" "I think so," he nodded with a very shocked and puzzled look on his face.
 

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Posted by mark_in_manchester (# 15978) on :
 

quote:

---

If so, can we make it 'Organic fertiliser'?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by mdijon:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Cottontail:
As a pastor who is single and childless, I am finding that this Christmas is proving quite 'triggering', for some reason.

---

Of course, I remember now, pastors are people too. There is "shit pastors hear", "shit pastors go through" and "shit pastors feel" to go alongside what they sometimes say.

---

Thanks, mdijon. I appreciate that.

Maybe I'll pop into the All Saints thread.
 

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Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
One of the worst sermons I can remember hearing was when I was training for ordination. Mrs Grouch and I were attending our local church. The woman deacon (this was just before women were ordained to the priesthood) preached on Mary's pregnancy.

As a single woman who had never been pregnant, perhaps she should have chosen a different subject. She prattled endlessly about how WONDERFUL and SPECIAL Mary must have felt. Not one word about the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock. Not one word about the discomfort of pregnancy - the sickness, the aches, the sheer pain of giving birth.

I could feel Mrs G tensing beside me and I held on to her arm. She admitted afterwards that I had not done so, she would have stood up, walked to the pulpit and given the silly person a complete tongue lashing.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
As a childless by choice woman, I find it offensive if someone preaches the "how lucky women are because they get to go through childbirth" routine to me.

---

I loved raising my children, but I see childbirth as a very unpleasant means to a very desirable end.

Moo
 

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Posted by Pine Marten (# 11068) on :
 
Not forgetting the postnatal depression
 

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Posted by venbede (# 16669) on :
 
Symbols work differently for different people, but this gay man is so glad about the doctrine of the virgin conception of Christ: it shows quite clearly that heterosexuality is irrelevant to the Christian faith.
 

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Posted by Galilit (# 16470) on :
 
Ditto the Feast of the Immaculate Conception tomorrow, I assume, Venbede.
Evidence is indeed piling up, isn't it?

[ 07. December 2013, 19:25: Message edited by: Galilit ]
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
How so? The feast of the Immaculate Conception commemorates the fact that Mary was conceived without original sin, not that Anna and Joachim didn't "do it".
 

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Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
 
There's an article in today's Times by Monsignor Roderick Strange saying that they did.
 

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Posted by Galilit (# 16470) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
How so? The feast of the Immaculate Conception commemorates the fact that Mary was conceived without original sin, not that Anna and Joachim didn't "do it".

---

"Heterosexuality" is just as irrelevant for heterosexuals as it is for anyone else.
If it's irrelevant, it's irrelevant for everyone.
I think.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
If an "immaculate" conception = no original sin then you're saying that sexual intercourse is the original sin.

WTF (pardon the pun)
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
[gentle hosting]

Beware of stumbling upon dead horses!

[/gentle hosting]
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Sorry.

No, not somewhere I want to go here or anywhere.
 

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Posted by LutheranChik (# 9826) on :
 
On my short list of "pastard" sermon tidbits:

Back in my youth, hearing our pastor preach that the Holocaust was God's punishment of the Jews for being a "stiff-necked people" who wouldn't acknowledge Jesus as the Messiah.

Then, years later, when I found myself in a new community with a new job: I didn't have a positive experience the first few times I visited the local congregation of my denomination, so I kept church-shopping until I wound up at a UCC church where many of my work friends worshipped. Despite liking my friends and the pastor here, I still missed the order of service I was used to, and so I tried going back to the first church I'd visited -- I'd heard from another coworker that a new pastor was on board, and was curious to see if his presence had made a difference on Sunday. Well, on the particular Sunday I visited, he was irritated that no one had volunteered to help in the church nursery, so apropos of nothing in the assigned lessons he went off on the congregation in his sermon, declaring that anyone there who could volunteer in the nursery but who was refusing to do so was doing the equivalent of pounding spikes into Our Lord's hands on Good Friday and would someday have to answer to God for not contributing to the good of the Church. Well. There was a lot of frowning and arm-crossing in the congregation while this screed was delivered; my coworker came up to me afterward, completely mortified. "We're not like this, really," she said. "I don't know what's the matter with him." (The pastor wound up, several months later, having a full psychological implosion on the job and being released from his contract.)

While not quite "pastard" material, I also know of a pastor who used to complain about his ex-wife during sermons...long after his divorce, even after he got married again. If I were Spouse #2, I would have thrown a hymnal at him.
 

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Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :
 

quote:

---

anyone there who could volunteer in the nursery but who was refusing to do so was doing the equivalent of pounding spikes into Our Lord's hands on Good Friday

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by L'organist:
If an "immaculate" conception = no original sin then you're saying that sexual intercourse is the original sin.

WTF (pardon the pun)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The5thMary:
When I was a mere snip of a girl in Catholic school (back in the dim late 60's and 70's), the nuns taught us to call helicopters, "HILLicopters" so that we wouldn't say the word HELL.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by L'organist:
If an "immaculate" conception = no original sin then you're saying that sexual intercourse is the original sin.

WTF (pardon the pun)

---

I read some humorist who explained the Immaculate Conception by saying Mary's parents had sex but didn't enjoy it.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Not a sermon but... a rather austere priest getting rather hot under the collar during marriage preparation opined that "sex is only to be approached after thought and prayer, and never in Lent".

When the slightly startled audience asked about enjoyment he came out with "just because you can enjoy it doesn't mean you must"

Something must have got back to the parish because fairly soon after that parish policy changed so that most of the preparation was done by lay people.
 

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Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Al Eluia:

quote:

---

Originally posted by L'organist:
If an "immaculate" conception = no original sin then you're saying that sexual intercourse is the original sin.

WTF (pardon the pun)

---

I read some humorist who explained the Immaculate Conception by saying Mary's parents had sex but didn't enjoy it.

---

quote:

---

When the slightly startled audience asked about enjoyment he came out with "just because you can enjoy it doesn't mean you must" [Eek!]

---

So does that mean it's OK in Lent provided you aren't enjoying yourself?
 

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Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
 
Perhaps clergy could prescribe it for couples in Lent - provided of course they are married - as a penance.

Since you're obviously not supposed to, perhaps enjoying it might count as even more penitential.
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by jedijudy:
[gentle hosting]

Beware of stumbling upon dead horses!

[/gentle hosting]

---

Actually, I have misspoken! If anyone wants to discuss the Immaculate Conception, please take it to Purgatory. Or, if you would like to discuss any scriptures that might relate, Kerygmania would be the correct board!

jedijudy
Heaven Host enjoying a crow appetizer
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
No, the no sex in Lent bit meant just that - withthe exception of Refreshment Sunday.

So THAT'S why it came to be called Mothering Sunday
 

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Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by georgiaboy:
/tangent
The American author Dorothy Parker was expelled from a RC girls' school in NYC for referring to the Immaculate Conception as 'spontaneous combustion.'

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