quote:

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Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
It's New Year I'm not looking forward to.

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You and me both, Alan. While Christmas will be OK, I expect to be alone on NY Eve, which actually suits me fine; all I want to do that night is curl up in front of the TV in my PJs and put a bunch of old movies on.

(And if one more person says, "It's the first year that's hard" ...)
 

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Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
It [i] is hard celebrating Christmas alone, even if one tries to focus on Christ's birth. I do have a largish family, but they are wide-spread and tend to party in family groups. If anyone comes at all, it is almost an afterthought.

My wife is long-divorced. I haven't seen the kids for 27 years, and I doubt they spend much time thinking of me.

It's one of the reasons I go away from before Christmas until after Easter. These are two of the most family-centered festal times in my calendar.

So I figured that I could spend the time moping, or making my own new Christmas celebrations. Being warm is a big set of bonus points. And I love my newly extended family.

But for all those who have just had their family times ripped apart, I send my deepest sympathy and lots of virtual hugs. I will be thinking of you all. God bless.
 

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Posted by Nicolemr (# 28) on :
 
I will have my family,such as is left of it, around for Christmas, but my daughter and her husband, who have been living with me, have just gotten their own apartment, and will most likely be moved out by then. So although they will be here, it'll only be for the day, and I'll be living alone for the first time in my life. Happy as I am about them getting their own place, I'm sad and scared at living alone, and the holidays seems a poor time to start the new arrangement.

Plus of course I miss my parents dreadfully, both dead now, and my ex-husband is gone out of my life, the holidays aren't what they were.
 

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Posted by Auntie Doris (# 9433) on :
 
Christmas for us this year will be tough. Mum died unexpectedly in September and I am still not sure what life looks like without her. I especially don't know how to do Christmas without her.

Auntie Doris x
 

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Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Alan and Mama - that was me a few years ago. for different reasons (or maybe similar but not same). When New Years rolled around, I remember having the same thoughts.

and then I celebrated that particular year being over, all done, zipped up, the lid firmly back in place. Sometimes, at New Years, we have to celebrate having survived the year instead of having any fondness for it whatsoever.

I'll be with you guys this year. 2013 has not been a good one. But who knows, 2014 may be the best one yet. I have to hope.

so, perhaps, here's the new beginnings! and here's a central digit to the shit that went down in 2013.
 

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Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :
 
Disfunctional family? Check. Not settled in a church community this Christmas? Check. Sandwiched between the demands and the nostalgia of different generations? Check.

So I made a Blue Christmas tree this year, and chose symbols to hang on it that represent all of the above. Found a place nearby to go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve because it is lovely to simply warm a pew and not be involved in all the "doing" that has to happen to create a beautiful service. Offered to run a devotion on Christmas morning at a local nursing home because nothing happens there on the day itself. This was gratefully received.

I suspect that the Wonder of Christmas happens in different ways at different times of our lives. I'm trying to roll with it.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mamacita:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
It's New Year I'm not looking forward to.

---

You and me both, Alan. While Christmas will be OK, I expect to be alone on NY Eve, which actually suits me fine; all I want to do that night is curl up in front of the TV in my PJs and put a bunch of old movies on.

(And if one more person says, "It's the first year that's hard" ...)

---

it's funny--- when I was married, the day after Christmas and New Year's were the days I looked forward to; Day After was a gag gift exchange with the friends, and New Year's was the South Park marathon and me plastering on red lipstick and leaving big kiss marks on everyone's faces at midnight. Then in the morning I would break out the waffle iron and everyone would come over for breakfast.

It was the idea of making new traditions with a family of my own, even just a family of friends, that excited me.


Last NYE was a freaking disaster and my resolve to continue hanging out at the cafe where I spent it was broken by the fact that it closed that night.Permanently. I couldn't even follow the cool band I saw there, because the lead guitarist broke both arms in a car crash.(If some of you remember that story-- the Steely Dan fan. Noooo!!!)

SO I am going to a venue in my favorite town, where I stand to see a few people I know-- which is really all I want-- but I am worried the place might burn down or explode or something with me hanging around. I mean geez, a car crash? Really?

Christmas at least I will have my big pack of Adventist cousins with me to sob over the Dr. Who season finale with me.
 

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Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
My father died very early yesterday morning, and the funeral will be on the 23rd. This will be far and away the most fucked-up Christmas of my life. I don't know how any of us will do any shopping, and the prospect of getting through the day itself makes me feel sick to my stomach.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
… yeah.

The first Christmas after my (step)dad died, all I could do when I walked in the family party was search the room to find my favorite cousin, and I planted myself next to him and didn't move all day, pretty much. I was just like, I don't have the energy to fake it, I just need to position myself by someone who won't make me fake it.
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
I'm so sorry, Ruth. No doubt about it, it will be rough. My mom died suddenly on Dec. 7 twelve years ago. No warning. We were all in shock. Frankly, I don't even remember Christmas that year. It's a blank. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.
 

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Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :
 
Sorry to hear Ruth.

No advice except freeze all the extra food people show up with. You can eat it in January. It's a good idea, trust me on that. And take care, and know that strangers understand.
 

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Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
Ruth, I'm so sorry.

The first Christmas after my stepdaughter died is still a blur. (We got news of her death while doing some early Christmas shopping for her and her daughter.) We got through by focussing on our grandchildren, and by keeping everything else as simple as we could. There wasn't the energy for anything complex, anyway . . .

We light a candle for those we've lost, and have found it's possible to grieve and celebrate at the same time. And screw anyone who says that's not okay.
 

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Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
It's 45 years ago since my father was killed in an auto accident on December 1st. The most macabre thing was going through the Christmas parcels after the funeral and pulling out all gifts purchased for him, alone, and relabelling them, if appropriate, for Mother, relabelling joint gifts, and such. Mother left presents from Dad to us untouched, and there were tears on Christmas Day. But mostly, we held it together for the grandchildren.

That Christmas is burned in my memory. As are others, since.
 

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Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
So sorry to hear about your father, Ruth. There's never a good time for that to happen, but two weeks before Christmas is a really bad time.

May he rest in peace and rise in glory.
 

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Posted by quetzalcoatl (# 16740) on :
 
I'm very sorry, RuthW.

I always have a blue period before Christmas, with thoughts of family, who are nearly all dead, and usually a couple of friends, who have died. I suppose I also remember Christmases when I was a kid, it seems a long time ago, of course, and then I miss mum and dad.

Then after that bout of introspection, I can enjoy Christmas.
 

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Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on :
 
I am so sorry Ruth

I mourn my father most on Boxing Day, as that was the last day I saw him, he suddenly died on January 3rd while I was on holiday (he had cancer but was still fairly well at Christmas). I left him without saying a final goodbye as he was asleep when I left. That was 15 years ago but I still always think of him on Boxing Day. The first anniversary was awful, I was newly married and at my inlaws, their Christmas was totally alien to mine at home and I was completely miserable throughout it.
Since then my mother has also died and I, too, feel sad when I remember childhood Christmases and think of them when buying presents.
 

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Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
I am so sorry Ruth. My father died on Nov 27th this year. The funeral was Dec 6th. I am thankful it wasn't closer to Christmas.

quote:

---

We got through by focussing on our grandchildren, and by keeping everything else as simple as we could. There wasn't the energy for anything complex, anyway . . .

We light a candle for those we've lost, and have found it's possible to grieve and celebrate at the same time. And screw anyone who says that's not okay. [/QB]

---

This is what is working for me/us. I was also given some advice to 'focus on the living'.

Dad was in a nursing home and frankly we have been astonished he has carried on so long. Nevertheless we were not expecting him to die right now and it has been a huge shock.

In some ways it being Christmas helps as it is so busy and there is so much to do and think about.
 

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Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
Ruth, I'm so sorry.

Mum always said that after dad died the first two Christmases we the worst, the first because of what you've lost and the second because of how far you've come.

For the fist Christmas after dad died we went to a hotel and it was hell. I hated it and no one else enjoyed it much. It would have been much better to try and make it normal, which is what we did the year after, although we ate at a restaurant.

I'm dreading this Christmas as I was so looking forward to being pregnant, and getting gifts for the Pip, but now there's no chance of that. I lucky that mum will understand the grief better than depression, even though one is feeding the other.
 

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Posted by MrsBeaky (# 17663) on :
 
It's a time of such mixed feelings, isn't it?

As others have said it is good to be able to celebrate the incarnation but at the same time I love Christmas in the Northern hemisphere and just as at Thanksgiving, I'm struggling with homesickness...
I am also trying not to feel too guilty as I know our family are going to miss us as we celebrate our second Christmas apart.

I remember the first Christmas after my Dad died and my birthday which comes straight afterwards...Dad always made a fuss of my birthday and it was poignant not hearing from him.

for all of you
 

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Posted by Caissa (# 16710) on :
 
My condolences, Ruth.
 

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Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
My father died very early yesterday morning, and the funeral will be on the 23rd. This will be far and away the most fucked-up Christmas of my life. I don't know how any of us will do any shopping, and the prospect of getting through the day itself makes me feel sick to my stomach.

---

That was my Christmas 2 years ago, and my mother's funeral was also on Dec 23rd - a horrible cold, wet, foggy day. The only up side (if you can believe such a thing exists right now) was that we didn't have to go through Christmas with the prospect of the funeral looming over us but it still wasn't a great time. My prayers are with you
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Yesterday I attended a carol service at King's College on the Strand, London. The prayers are offered in an unusual way, with members of the congregation writing on paper and then making paper darts and throwing them, so others may offer their prayers for them. Because of where I sit, I don't tend to receive any, so afterwards pick up, and pray those left behind.

One has stuck in my mind, so offer it here, as well.

"Please support those who fear Christmas. Whether through fear of being alone, or fear of being with family."

Somebody needs help.

And Ruth, my thoughts are with you - both my parents died shortly before Easters.

[ 11. December 2013, 12:53: Message edited by: Penny S ]
 

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Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
((Ruth))

Make it as easy to do as possible, and have readily available escapism to dive into as needed, be that candy crush, Jane Austen or Grand Theft Auto.
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Ruth

My mum is in a bad way, she may make it to Christmas but she's stick thin and her lungs are slowly filling up.
 

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Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
Boogie

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughts, prayers and advice. It all truly helps.
 

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Posted by QLib (# 43) on :
 

 

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Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
Boogie
 

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Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
Ruth - you have my prayers too.
So sorry for your loss

And Boogie - prayers for you and your Mum
 

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Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
Prayers for both Ruth and Boogie

And for all facing a Blue Christmas.
 

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Posted by St Everild (# 3626) on :
 
Yeah, Christmas sucks for so many people.

Prayers for Ruth, Boogie & Sophs...
 

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Posted by Ye Olde Motherboarde (# 54) on :
 
My dear children, Ruth, Boogie and Sophs, I send my prayers and love to all of you.

I, too, know how the Christmas season can bring bad memories. My father went home to God on December 18 many years ago, I was sitting with him and hearing the oxygen stopping is a sound I have never forgotten. Years later, on the same day, my dear Miss Molly went home, too. Then, losing Erin in December, well let's just say, I like to remove the whole month from the calendar.
 

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Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
for Ruth, Boogie and Sophs.
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
My grandmother died on Christmas Day 1998. We went to church in the morning, went straight from there to the hospital to see her, and she died while we were there.

It's a terrible thing to have happen at any time of year, but at Christmas it's just that much worse. My sympathies and prayers are with those who are suffering through it this year. God bless us.
 

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Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
I think this is the flipside of the “Christmas traditions” thread in Heaven. ‘Cause at Christmas lots of us want everything to stay the same, you know? Except it doesn’t.

The big hole in my family has the shape of my Uncle. I never realized how he was the centre of getting the whole family together until he wasn’t there anymore.
 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
My father died very early yesterday morning, and the funeral will be on the 23rd. This will be far and away the most fucked-up Christmas of my life. I don't know how any of us will do any shopping, and the prospect of getting through the day itself makes me feel sick to my stomach.

---

I am very sorry to hear that. Please accept my condolences, Ruth.


 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Boogie:
Ruth

My mum is in a bad way, she may make it to Christmas but she's stick thin and her lungs are slowly filling up.

---

I am very sorry to hear that, Boogie.


 

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Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :
 
My d's father, my former h, died in 2011. New Year 2012 was a very difficult time; it felt as if I was leaving him behind in 2011; abandoning him to wherever he was. I felt guilty about that.

New Year 2013 did not feel the same way. But it is still not easy to remember that he is not around any more.
 

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Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Ruth and everyone else who's lost a family member this year, or for whom the season otherwise sucks.

My mom died suddenly in April so we have had some months to get used to her loss but the first Christmas without a loved one is definitely strange. I vividly remember this time last year arguing with her about her usual plans to bring a whole bunch of food items to the Christmas Eve family dinner at my house, and me telling her, "You know, the time is eventually going to come when you're going to have to take it easy and let me do more of the work!" Well, that time never did come; she was, as they say around here, steady go right till the end. And now my husband and kids and I, and my widowed dad, are trying to feel our way through Christmas without her.

One small upside I have found though ... the first Christmas after a big loss, everyone's expectations are wonderfully low. No pressure to make Christmas picture-perfect; if we all survive till January 2 it will have been a success by definition. As for things I don't feel up to doing - like cards, this year? Frig 'em.
 

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Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Auntie Doris:
Mum died unexpectedly in September and I am still not sure what life looks like without her.

---

I know that feeling. My mum died in September 2012 and I'm still not sure how life works without her.

Ruth... Boogie... All who are facing a tough Christmas -
 

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Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :
 
{{ Ruth, Boogie, Sophs}}
 

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Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
Eleven years ago my mother woke up ill on Christmas morning and died in the hospital the next day. It was not the happiest family Christmas - I can't even remember what we did for Christmas dinner, etc. I was particularly sad for my two nieces who arrived that morning but didn't get to see her because she hadn't gotten dressed for company.

Life happens, and at some point you just have to put the past behind you and focus on the future. But it isn't always easy, or comfortable.
 

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Posted by Jammy Dodger (# 17872) on :
 

for all those struggling with the loss of a loved one this Christmas

 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
A well-loved member of our little church will die within the next few days. She has struggled with health issues all the time I've known her, but she has always pulled through. It doesn't look like she will this time. She still had all her faculties today so she talked to the vicar and made her own funeral arrangements for Dec. 28. I hope all her family can get here to see her before she dies. And I pray that her husband, as wonderful a person as she is, will find some strength and comfort in his family, friends, and faith.

What is it with these December deaths?
 

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Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
The Church of England in its own inimitable way, having ignored our wishes about the funeral service at the crem, is now making the arrangements for the internment of ashes as difficult as possible.

And they wonder why people stay as far away from the church as possible. The prospects of any of my family feeling any attraction to the church or its religion are zilch.

I have told my next of kin that my funeral and disposal of ashes are to be arranged without benefit of clergy and outwith of the church. I do not want my next of kin to have to deal with all this C**P on top of everything else.

So much for pastoral sensitivity and a welcoming church.

And this is in relation to someone who in his day gave a great deal of service to the church and continued to support the parish financially till he died.


[ 13. December 2013, 13:00: Message edited by: Thyme ]
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'm in process of arranging for my body to go to the local medical college for carving up by some baby doctor - that way there is no problem as they will cremate the bits some time later and dispose of them decently - though they can dispose of me indecently if they really want.
 

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Posted by Surfing Madness (# 11087) on :
 
I know it's nothing compared to what some people are dealing with, but would be happy to let Christmas just pass by without marking it. Never been a great fan of it. This year I will be working Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day.
 

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Posted by Curious (# 93) on :
 
I'm another one who's had a pretty rubbish year. I've always loved Christmas but this season I can't even be bothered to put up the cards let alone the tree. All those decorations hold too many memories of what is past.
Thoughts and prayers for all who struggle this time of year.
Curious
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Thoughts with all having a difficult Christmas this year.

The year we were in the hostel for the homeless I cancelled Christmas, decided it was all too difficult to celebrate anything. I really empathise with the students at work who come from challenging backgrounds and who find the whole thought of Christmas difficult. They are surrounded by this wall of "Christmas is coming" and "everyone is going to have a fantastic Christmas" and know they are not. And idiots who put up Christmas decorations when they are advised it's a bad idea deserve to have the place trashed around them. Except that member of staff won't get excluded and that on their records, the kids do. And everyone else gets to rebuild the rooms afterwards.
 

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Posted by Nicodemia (# 4756) on :
 
For Ruth, Sophs, Boogie and all those who have sadnesses in their families this Christmas.

We will be "celebrating" on our own again this year. Family, which isn't very large anyway, has had traumatic year. We are now the elderly parents and most likely to die first.

I'll remember not to do it over Christmas!
 

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Posted by Mrs Shrew (# 8635) on :
 
Have had a truly terrible day this year. Just counting down the hours until it is over and I can go back to work.
 

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Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :
 
Christmas Day this year? Let's just say that if there's anything in reincarnation I'm coming back as an only child.

Huia

[ 25. December 2013, 18:00: Message edited by: Huia ]
 

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Posted by Amorya (# 2652) on :
 
My sister is still on a section. She was allowed out from 8am to 8pm today. My parents just left to drive her back. I'm now feeling guilty that I didn't go with them.
 

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Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :
 
for those who have had, and are having, a sad Christmas.
 

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Posted by JoannaP (# 4493) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Huia:
Christmas Day this year? Let's just say that if there's anything in reincarnation I'm coming back as an only child.

Huia

---

The problem with being an only child is that you have sole responsibility for elderly parents and there is nobody to share the burden with.

Joanna P - who is thinking of going away for Christmas next year.
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Another problem with being an only child is that while you don't have siblings to argue with, it doesn't necessarily mean that relationships with every other member of your family are sweetness and light. You may find yourself the sole focus of this, with nobody to turn to.

Christmas is always going to be difficult for anyone who has idealistic expectations of what the season should be like, or who gets stressed out by having to achieve this, that or the other, or who doesn't appreciate what (or who) they have, or who isn't prepared to be considerate. Loss is another factor; there are few things as awful as that first Christmas after someone has gone when you try to carry on and it just doesn't work.

My commiserations to anyone out there who is struggling with Christmas and hating it.
 

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Posted by geroff (# 3882) on :
 
Sole responsibility for elderly parent is not just if you are an only child. it is also nearest child. Brother in Australia (holiday) and sister in Las Vegas (recently moved there) I get mother and a sleeping clergy wife. There must be a better way of doing this.
 

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Posted by Surfing Madness (# 11087) on :
 
Survived the day relatively well. Hopefully we made it bearable for the young people I was working with. Glad to be home now to sleep!
 

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Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :
 
As my sister said: "Well, the good news is that Christmas is now as far away as it can possibly be. We've all got 364 days of respite!"

Mine went okay after some serious misgivings. I went into "management" mode. Everyone made an effort to behave themselves (having a stranger along to share the Christmas Eve dinner helped). We kept the focus on the youngest members of the family and had everyone out the door by 9pm.

The nursing home service was poignant, because for everyone there, Christmas is not an easy time.

Lighting a candle for us all:
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
My father (age 93) felt ill at breakfast and was taken to the hospital. He has suffered a second heart attack and is experiencing kidney failure. He's bounced back before but at his age this may well be the end. And on Christmas day!
 

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Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :
 
Miss Amanda's Father
 

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Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
What Huia said.
 

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Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :
 
Survived also. My father, 86 years, well we got him to play the trumpet. Probably the best part of the season. He fairly glowed. We also had 2 internet video phone calls from daughter and partner who're in London. I can't but have tears for missing them and those we've lost and will never see.

For the sick and possibly dying, and the recently dead -- thinking about our shared sorrows and joys of memories - is there a word to describe joy & sorrow at once? Take care all of you and everyone hug and talk to those you have while you have them.
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by no prophet:
...is there a word to describe joy & sorrow at once? Take care all of you and everyone hug and talk to those you have while you have them.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by no prophet:
We also had 2 internet video phone calls from daughter and partner who're in London. I can't but have tears for missing them and those we've lost and will never see.

---

I have never not seen my children on Christmas Day and I don't want to think about a year when it might happen.

We are travelling today for an overnight stay to visit friends and family: my eldest brother who lives alone and takes great pleasure in not celebrating Christmas at all, and the partner of my other brother. This post-Christmas visiting.was always part of our Christmas routine, but this year is happening without the Nenlets who have their own agenda. I feel very shaky about it and can't wait to get home again - partly because of the weather (it's blowing another hooley out there) and partly because it will be bittersweet, with memories of the people we used to see on these visits: my brother who died unexpectedly two years ago and my mum who died last year, 92 and oh so ready to go but whom I'll never stop missing.

Nen - taking tissues.
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Mum made it through, her chest is clearing up.

This happens at round about six monthly intervals. She can't cough, so any cold just rattles and rattles and fills up with fluid.

I dread her dying, but I also dread her living any more years of this non-life in her shell of a body.



We did our best. She went to my brother's on Christmas day and snoozed in the corner in her wheelchair. We went to visit her yesterday and fed her her meal. The home where she now lives is small, homely, well run with friendly easy going staff. I take Tatze, my labrador, who is a great hit with the residents. I keep being asked if she's a PAT dog.



[ 27. December 2013, 09:09: Message edited by: Boogie ]
 

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Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
Glad she made it through Boogie. What got me through many Christmases past was thinking that 'I have done my best'. All any of us can do in these sort of circumstances.

Now it is over and I can enjoy Christmas again.

Miss Amanda - for you and your family.
 

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Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
I have the privilege working in palliative care.

If you are wondering,
Do the staff really care for our deceased friend or relative, for us, or is it an act, a part of the job?

My answer is yes, we care.
We share your stories, tears and laughter. We recognise the honour of being invited into your lives at this time, being part of your story and journey.

We don't always get it as right as we would wish. And I am sorry.

Your stories shape us.
We care.
And we remember.

 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Quotes file.
 

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