Ship of Fools: The wisdom of Solomon

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Okay, this is a "what the hell do we do now" thread. Yesterday I changed a two-year-old's diapers. I found a bruise the size of an orange on the side of his butt--almost down to the thigh. It was perfectly round, you could have drawn it with a compass. Most of it would have been covered by the diaper.

Thing is, he comes from a family who are distant relatives of mine, where the father is known to be, frankly, an asshole. We have had hear-say reports of him overdisciplining his kids--spanking with a hand, not an object, but definitely to the point of bruises. Another child told me matter-of-factly, "Daddy threw Mommy down the stairs" a while back. The man is ultra-controlling of his wife, who is the only breadwinner but who refers all decisions to him, and who defends him on any and all occasions. (Basically she's doing the battered woman syndrome) Nobody in the family has had any luck at all in talking sense to her--suggest that he has a problem and she cuts off communication with you for at least two years.

Now what? We've only re-established communications with this family after a long period (I caught the father cheating academically on a paper he'd asked me to proofread for a college class, and told him I wouldn't have it, whereupon he pitched a hissy fit and cut off family communication for a year).

The children's grandparents are aware of the situation, but the only way they've found to help is by coming to stay as live-in babysitting for months on end, to prevent abuse by their presence. They went home last week. Thus (perhaps) the bruise.

Social services in this city is an utter disaster. The last time I called the child abuse hotline they GAVE MY NAME to the perpetrator, as well as completely bollixing up the contact with the family in such a way that the child in question (who had been hurt FAR more severely) could have died as a result of their "intervention". Nothing at all was done.

Discussions with others here tell me that this is a far from unusual experience with Div. Family Services here. And even if they DON'T again give my name when they contact the family, they will still know it was me (and therefore cut off contact between us and their kids again, forever). I'm the only one who could have seen the bruise given its location.

I fear that if I report it, nothing at all will be done (as before), the parents will cut off all contact with us, leaving the kids completely isolated. The other adults in the extended family agree we should involved DFS with the exception of one (who basically wants to shoot the bastard). I am not a mandated reporter, but another adult is. However, he did not see it with his own eyes. And there is still the unlikely possibility that the kid simply fell on a Christmas present.

Posted by M. (# 3291) on :

Lamb Chopped, I have no helpful ideas but am praying for you and the situation.

M.

Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :

Ditto. I have no "right answers" either, but hope for the child's sake and your own that you can be at peace, live with, and if necessary forgive yourself for whatever it is you decide to do.

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

[Votive]

You may well have already done this, but: Are there any private groups--domestic violence shelters, child advocacy groups, etc.--that you could call anonymously for advice? Not to report, but just to say "this is what's going on in a situation I know about; do you have any ideas?"

FWIW, YMMV.

[ 30. December 2013, 01:51: Message edited by: Golden Key ]

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

I don't know the law where you are, but in the UK - what you describe happening to a child is a crime. If family services are useless, have you considered going to the police ? (Also, have you photographed the bruise - if you are considering reporting it needs some verification, alternatively a doctors visit would do that.)

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Golden Key, thanks, that`s a good idea. No, i did not photograph it, being concerned about what counteraccusations might be brought if i took pix of a child's diaper area. Of course it is a crime--if i could prove it was deliberate (and not say a result of a fall) and moreover i could prove who had done it. The child is not verbal enough to give understandable testimony. You see the difficulty...

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

Re what I said about calling a private agency anonymously:

Given your previous bad experience with official reporting, you might want to either hide your phone ID or call from a pay phone. (If you can find one!)

Posted by Taliesin (# 14017) on :

What a nightmare.I can't advise, because it's not my country and I have no idea how it could play out.
Do you know, or know of, any specific member of the police or child protection services you could give the information to?
Otherwise, all I can do is echo Leaf, and add that sometimes, witness is all you can do... children have been saved, psychologically, by a concerned adult who holds reality for them, by not colluding with the abusive parents' version of reality.

It is incredible though, that in the 21st century, we still have to hide and pretend to be able to work around and survive the bullies. why they hell do they still have the power?

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Golden Key, thanks, that`s a good idea. No, i did not photograph it, being concerned about what counteraccusations might be brought if i took pix of a child's diaper area. Of course it is a crime--if i could prove it was deliberate (and not say a result of a fall) and moreover i could prove who had done it. The child is not verbal enough to give understandable testimony. You see the difficulty...

Without verification you have no real recourse to official action.

I would suggest sending a typed letter to family services, without your name and address, basically including what you have said about the family circumstances here - with a paragraph stating why you are unwilling to give your name.

At least then, if there is another incident or report, they have a context and history for what is happening.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

The trouble with that is that a) it then looks like an anonymous accusation, and b) if they want to verify it and the letter says that previous complaints have been passed on with full identity which is why you're not giving your name this time, that pretty much gives the game away as they'll have that on record somewhere.

If it's a two year old, he won't be old enough to go to school where the teachers might pick this sort of thing up, unfortunately. Also, you can't actually prove that this particular bruise wasn't an accident. You're right to be concerned, but I don't know what you could legitimately do.

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

Does he go to a playgroup/toddler group? If he does not may it be an idea if he did, particularly a parent and toddler group? Specifically one you are not involved in running.

Two reasons:

The family need as much contact as possible with people who do not have the same familial dynamics. The best option is that the family itself decides to change the dynamics.
The more contact with people other than direct family the more there is likely to be outside witnesses

Jengie

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

No playgroup or preschool--not even any regular doctor AFAIK. When they are sick, they go to a lowcost clinic (i don't know which one, no). There is an anonymous hotline, but those are the very people who screwed up so badly last time. And the father's systematic efforts to cut his family off from all contact with anybody mean that no matter what, I'm going to be IDed. Even if someone else does it. And then the kids will have nobody.

Mr Lamb says he will talk to the father with as much wisdom of the serpent as he can muster up. Me, I'm going to see if I can find out the school the elder one attends and ask the school nurse to watch for signs of abuse. She/he will be a mandated reporter, and someone they can't cut off.

Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :

I did the right thing some years ago and the same happened; I was not named, but the town I live in was, and I am the only person here that they know. The result was ten years of non contact that is only just beginning to end. For the children concerned, the person they turned to for emotional support when bad things happened was suddenly no longer there for them.

If you are a positive influence in the family, and you have no definite knowledge one way or the other, then I would say stay in contact, and do what you can to help. Keep your eyes open, keep a diary and take photographs, no matter how intimate they are; I am sure you will ensure they are discreet.

Do your best to stay close to the family. Reporting it without better information at this point will increase the risk to the children, imo, not least by risking them losing you.

Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :

Paranoia from this side of the Pond stems from too many cases over too many years where 'someone knew something' but said nothing. An unpleasant recent case saw a 4 year old boy starved to death by his parents, with teachers concerned that he took scraps of food from the bins but his mother said he was a picky eater. Teachers, doctors, social workers and other parents had been concerned but no-one made formal reports, as well as the parents denying access to the child.

It depends how certain you are that the bruise was not caused naturally. If you are certain, then I would think that you should report it to the relevant authorities - children's services, the police, or whoever is responsible in your area. In due course, that is certain to mean that the father will know who has made the accusation, because any action against him will need a court hearing and so will need evidence and witnesses (making certain assumptions on how your legal system works). That means that you need to weigh this up before taking action, especially if he is the threatening type. Sorry, but anonymity will not be a long term option if you decide to report him.

Not an easy situation - you will need our prayers. [Votive]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Okay, the whole thing is now on hold. Approched autiously, the father claims that the mark is a mongolian spot--which is possible, though the kid has one already in the classic location, and google hasn't turned up any that are so perfectly round. Still, i will be checking to see if it's still there next time I see him. This may be a ringer this time, but we have eyewiitness testimony that abuse goes on (no, they refuse to report it, we've pushed). So, watchful waiting...

Posted by Anglo Catholic Relict (# 17213) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Okay, the whole thing is now on hold. Approched autiously, the father claims that the mark is a mongolian spot--which is possible, though the kid has one already in the classic location, and google hasn't turned up any that are so perfectly round. Still, i will be checking to see if it's still there next time I see him. This may be a ringer this time, but we have eyewiitness testimony that abuse goes on (no, they refuse to report it, we've pushed). So, watchful waiting...

I think that is wise. You will be in my prayers.

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

I'm afraid that (luckily) having no experience of that kind of thing, all I can offer is my prayers, but be assured you have those.

[Votive]

Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :

Praying for you, Lamb Chopped, and for all concerned.

Lord, grant wisdom and insight to Lamb Chopped and hubby and show them what to do.

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

LC--

If you do take photos, maybe mark them immediately as "documentation of possible abuse"? I would think that would be pretty easy with digital photos. Maybe even add it in as a watermark.

That might help if anyone gets nasty about possible reasons for taking the photos. YMMV.

[Votive]

Posted by Ethne Alba (# 5804) on :

(treading v carefully) ....taking photos of that area, unless one is a statutory professional in child protection, is usually a v bad idea ......

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Golden Key, thanks, that`s a good idea. No, i did not photograph it, being concerned about what counteraccusations might be brought if i took pix of a child's diaper area. Of course it is a crime--if i could prove it was deliberate (and not say a result of a fall) and moreover i could prove who had done it. The child is not verbal enough to give understandable testimony. You see the difficulty...

It's not up to you to prove its deliberate. It might be up to you to report it. Diagnosis and proof is the business of the medical professionals, and if it comes to criminal charges, the courts.

Too late now I suppose, but is there or might there have been any way of suggesting to the parents that the bruise was worse or more painful than they had thought and asking if the kid had been sen by a doctor? Or even taking the child to a doctor yourself? That way you need express on suspicion directly to them but it is I ink almost certain that a GP would have seen injuries caused by beatings and be better able to recognise them

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

I could not legally have taken him to a doctor without parental consent, since it was not an obvious overriding life threatening emergency. That's why schools etc here ask for "permission slips" just in case they need to take a minor in at some point. No permission, no treatment.. And the parents themselves shun doctors as much as possible, having no health insurance. There's not a snowvall's chance they'd have taken him, particularly if it was due to abuse. Upthread you'll see what we did do, which is realistically probably all that is possible at this point.

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