Ship of Fools: Why I Hate One-Uppers

Thread: Why I Hate One-Uppers Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

I am royally pissed and I need to send someone to hell to burn in a deep trench. I have a former friend who always has to “one up” me. You know the type, right? If I stub my toe, she would tell me about her six months in traction with a broken ankle and how the prayer team still prays for her full healing. If I say I’m hungry she will say she is on day 33 of a 40 day fast and she is beyond selfish things such as being hungry. She infuriates me and pushes all my buttons to the point I see red. I literally get hopping mad at her.

I am very honored that I talk to a priest from time to time for spiritual direction. He's such a gentle soul, I consider him a dear friend on my faith journey and, in a time when no one likes me in the Catholic church, it means a lot that he cheers me up and encourages me. He sees the real me and doesn't run in fear. He can actually help me believe that I'm wanted. She was upset that I started talking to him insinuating that I should go it alone. I guess she is in charge of my fucking life, maybe I should start sending her my bills. Anyway, she wanted me to have no one to talk to and be alone while she has people in her life. She has to brag about how she goes on pilgrimages he leads and "too bad you can’t afford to go." Then when I say the Father and I talk via email she will say, “I need to call him. I have his personal number on my cell phone. Do you have his personal email or do you have to use the school email?"(he's a high school chaplain). She will comment that she calls him all the time so I can know that I am not as good of a friend to him as she is and she just goes on and on. This is a priest for crying out loud. She acts like a spoiled brat. If I blew up at her she would cower and guess who would be the bad guy? You got it. Someone please tell me I'm not the only person with a bitch like this in my life. It's maddening. I visualize sharks circling her body as she talks while I toss in bloody meat around her.

As she brags about all the people she's "saved" or prayed for and they were "healed" I slowly roll the mental tape of me driving a car in the Mohave Desert at noon with her in the passenger seat. Suddenly I pull over and tell her to get out quick yelling that there's a spider. She jumps out of the car, leaving her phone and purse inside and I gun it covering her with dust and dirt as I drive away with her in the middle of the desert and her voice fading to silent.

I don't know why it grates me when Miss One-Upper acts like this but I totally admit it steams my clams like nothing else. Everyone thinks she has miraculous healing powers but she's syrupy sweet and totally fake. She plays the martyr if you point that out. She will ask if I’m STILL talking to the priest I see and then go on and on about how she is going on his latest pilgrimage.

She knows I am getting back on my feet from the divorce and starting over financially. She knows I'm lonely and the struggles I have with depression and spiritual wrestling. She wants to show that what I have, even a friendship, is nothing and she has something better. She acts like it's 8th grade and I just picture myself taking my hands, digging in my nails, and twisting her face off.

This priest is someone I consider a dear friend and I don't have a lot of friends. We may meet for dinner and chat once or twice a year and I email him with my diatribes, tantrums, and frustrations. God has so blessed my life with him as a priest, friend, and guide and she just can't let me have that. She can't let me have one thing without psychologically photo bombing every good thing/person my life. I have a hard time in the faith and he is someone who really helps me. Then she acts like what I have is nothing compared to her glory. She treats me like shit and and wants me to feel like that's all I am. I just want to jump up and down and throw a tantrum like a little kid. I posted a Facebook message once to a lady I know from the former parish I attended saying how wonderful she was for burning me a CD and I really liked it. Not ten minutes later Miss One-Upper posts, "I'm so glad you and I are best friends" to that same person to make sure I knew that. I just shook my head--she just can't quit.

I got so angry at her bragging about going on a recent trip to another friend of mine last Saturday I actually went and got blind, stinking drunk at home. I was seeing red. Why am I not allowed to have special things or friends without her one upping me? She has the total attention of another priest. She has a whole group convinced she has special healing powers. She has a family at home and isn't lonely. But she has to make herself feel good by making me feel bad. I want to send her stupid ass to hell for trying to prove I'm nothing and that she is always one step better. If you look up selfish in the dictionary her pic is there and you will know who I'm talking about.

Why does she push my buttons? I want to disconnect the wires from my buttons. I want to have them be like the buttons on my toaster. You can turn them all damn day, your toast is still burning because they aren't connected to anything. They are like knobs on a play kitchen stove. Someday maybe I’ll be that way and not want to bonk Miss One-Upper with a ball bat across the back of her head and then run over her with my car.

Don't ever expect to see a prayer card with my face on it. I'll never be a saint. If there was a card of me I'm sure Miss One-Upper would probably have a bigger one, with gold just to prove a point. DAMN she pisses me off.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

how the hell is this person still in your life? Defriend her on FB. Defriend her in real life. Don't tell her a darn thing. Don't even stand next to her. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Don't even bother returning your tray table to its locked and upright position...

Posted by Evangeline (# 7002) on :

Those people are poison, I agree with LC, run, don't walk away, cut her out of your life completely and you will be better for it.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
Someone please tell me I'm not the only person with a bitch like this in my life.

You're not the only one. Two things have helped me a lot: distancing myself from her, and finding other people who don't buy her self-promoting one-up-man-ship. So when she posts something on Facebook that makes me want to [Projectile]

, I have two people who will join me in all the "Did you see that?!? Could she be more self-absorbed?!?" stuff behind her back.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

Defriending her is the obvious answer -- but it's easier said than done. To de-friend my one-upper I'd have to de-friend a bunch of other people as well.

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

She's no longer on my Facebook but we do have the same faith so there will be times when we attend the same event. The minute she sees me she springs like a fucking panther and here we go again. I wish someone would stick their foot out as she is coming towards me and she has no problem cutting right in on a conversation. [Mad]

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

It's very unlikely that you are the only person who sees her this way, Charlie, and unlikely that you are the only victim of her bullshit. Look for another like-minded person and band together. I have run interference more than once for another of my one-upper's victims, and she does it for me. And finding someone to share your feelings with can help de-fang the snake for you, because it's very affirming and undoes a lot of the feelings that come from being put down.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Very true.

If you don't mind being passive aggressive (hey, it can be fun!), you can get some of your own back when she does this shit. Wait for her to start her Topper stories and say blandly, "Oh dear, you're quite right. My situation is nothing like as bad/good/difficult/blessed/whatthehell as yours was!"

After about five go-rounds she'll start to eye you suspiciously. With luck, she'll dump you soon after. [Yipee]

[ 25. June 2014, 01:35: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :

Tell her you robbed a grocery store and see if she still tries to one-up you.

Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Tell her you robbed a grocery store and see if she still tries to one-up you.

Hahaha! Now that I've had a laugh...well, I am ashamed that I was ONCE like this "friend". I was rather insufferable (some wags might say I'm STILL insufferable but I won't go into that...ahem!). Anyway, the reason I did it was I was incredibly insecure and had "issues" from childhood and other crap. The thing is, that excuse only goes so far. When one gets into their late twenties, it's time to deal with one's shit or prepare to be friendless. I had a friend tell me in no uncertain terms that I was a selfish b*tch and she wanted nothing more to do with me. She wasn't the only one, either. Now, I could've kept right on being a selfish bitch but I had no friends and was pretty lonely. So, to make a long story short, I really spent time in therapy and looked at my actions. I made myself look at the shit I had become. I didn't like what I saw and felt remorse.

So, the people who dropped me like a hot coal were completely justified in doing that. Maybe this woman needs to be told, like I was, that her behavior is vile and unacceptable. Just because some of us follow Jesus and try to be forgiving is no reason to let less evolved people continually harm us with their poison. Tell this woman off. She'll probably act affronted and she may try to drag your name through the mud but the people who know her and know YOU will understand she's being a defensive douchebag.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
It's very unlikely that you are the only person who sees her this way, Charlie, and unlikely that you are the only victim of her bullshit. Look for another like-minded person and band together. I have run interference more than once for another of my one-upper's victims, and she does it for me. And finding someone to share your feelings with can help de-fang the snake for you, because it's very affirming and undoes a lot of the feelings that come from being put down.

And also prevents you from stupidly lashing out in kind, which only turns you into the asshole.

Also-- it's cold comfort, but you can take some cold comfort that this persons' behavior demonstrates 1. They really don't think they are as great as they say they are, no matter how loudly they say it, other wise they could handle accommodating others and

2. If you really do get to the point where you are saying to yourself,"I am definitely not crazy. Every time I have an success, every time I have a problem, this person is right on deck to comment." then... what does that say about what an impressive-- nay, intimidating person you must be?

I was thinking today about a buddy I made in singing class years ago-- she was stunningly gorgeous and sang like a pro. She was also the nicest, most supportive person in class. Why? She could afford to be. It was the insecure folk who were always casting side-eye at others, and loudly proclaiming any pushback as "jealousy."
I'm not saying these other classmates were any more or less talented than my friend was, I am saying-- obviously they weren't convinced of that.

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :

Gosh Charlie, it sounds like you hang with my little sister! if so, feel free to keep her. tell her I died.

in my mind, there are three ways you can deal with this.

1) the cold shoulder approach. this is how I manage my sister in hopes of maintaining some sort of family harmony. You ignore her. everything. she calls, don't answer, and if you accidentally do, suddenly come down with a really horrible case of the trots, or tell her your hair is on fire so you have to go. If she walks up to you at church, suddenly remember that you're due at the doctor's office for your scheduled lobotomy. basically don't allow a conversation to happen. at all. for any reason.

This is a very unsatisfactory solution, but if the other two turn your stomach, it at least is an option.

2) the TNT approach. maybe have a few shots first to limber up. Then go find her and let her have it both barrels. (metaphorically, please) tell her in no uncertain terms what a fucking pathetic little freak she is, tell her you can see right through her obvious screaming jealousy of you, you're sick and tired of her attempts to bring you down, and you want her GONE. Probably much like Mary's friends said. Totally flip your lid, light the fuse, blow your top. Chances are, you'll never see her again. except maybe in court.

this is the most satisfying of the three options. a good explosion is better than sex. downsides: possible police involvement. plus guilt from really saying what's on your mind. However true.

3) the what-grown-ups-do approach. less fun than number 2, probably much more functional. You work up a script to have a conversation with her. you write it out first, to help you get your thoughts in order. you take deep breaths, you practice. and then you invite her sorry ass over for a heart to heart. You use "I" language. for example, DO say, "when you always tell me how much better you do things than I do, it makes me feel like you're trying to hurt me, is this true?" DON'T say, "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A RAVING LUNATIC?!?" (if that sounds better, see option 2) Stick to the "I" language, and be calm. take deep breaths, and have the conversation. You will cry. She probably will, too. she might yell, too. it's okay, yelling is temporary. Even us yelly types eventually have to stop and hydrate. basically, she may not respond satisfactorily. This is okay, if that is the case you end your conversation with, "I don't think we can remain friends. Thank you for listening. You may go, now." or, she may (I'm betting PROBABLY will, even) respond satisfactorily - "I'm so sorry, Charlie, I had no idea I was hurting you! I was just trying to feel like somewhat less of a complete loser since my husband left me for that drunken schnauzer dress-maker in Boca Raton!"

Downsides of option 3: it's really, really, REALLY hard to act like a grown-up. but it pays off. just remember than once this undie-twistingly uncomfortable conversation is over, you can sooth yourself with otterpops and a blankie, so it's all good.

go do it. it's better to have one red day that five blue ones. pull off the band-aid. you'll feel so much better once you did.

or, you know, option one. but really, that one kid of sucks.

Posted by Palimpsest (# 16772) on :

Being a mature adult is a possibility but you could also be a passive aggressive underminer. It can be a lot of fun. Lifemanship by Stephen Potter is an old but fun guide.

Try practicing these responses in a sympathetic voice.

"I'm so glad things are going better for you, I was worried about you for a while..."

"That may work for you, but I'm just not humble enough to do that."

"How brave of you."

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

My mom (classic one-upper) has a friend, R.< who is-- her karma, basically. When she recounts their arguments, it is like Furby Doll transcripts. What I say to her-- and what I try to practice myself-- is that it is much less worthwhile trying to figure out how to handle a one-upper and more worthwhile to just find cooler, more generous people to hang out with. In her case I think she is so invested in "beating" R. that she can't leave her alone.

The jealousy thing-- this is what has come up with me a couple times, with a couple one-uppers in my life. Mostly because, in my mind, they have absolutely fucking nothing to be jealous about. I will take as a template a college friend. i'll call her Jazmin, because-- that is her name [Big Grin]

. We took a couple film studies classes together.

On a surface level, she trumped me in every way. She was younger than me, taller than me, thinner than me, more attractive than me, had a cool flashy film job, had cool flashy boyfriends, had connections coming out of her ears and dozens of people who were on hand to worship her undeniable charm and charisma (I was one of them.)She made no attempt to disguise the fact that she considered herself superior to me-- she even (AbFab fans) declared me the "donkey to her racehorse."

Yet, one of our professors praised an essay I wrote, and it sent her into a rage. we socialized at a local networking club-- every time a guy talked to me, she would come over and literally step in front of me. Anytime someone would try to involve me in the conversation, she would drag it back to herself.

And my feeling was- what the hell are you trying to prove by trumping me? I have no illusions that I am any big threat to anyone as far as diverting attention, but boy did she act like that was the case!

So-- yeah. That behavior is generated by delusional thinking-- either narcissism that won't allow anyone to have the spotlight but them, or the kind of photographic negative narcissism that says, if I don't fight for attention every second, I will lose it forever.

Either way, buying into it validates it. I wound up "losing" Jazmin's number. I wound up happier doing that.

[ 25. June 2014, 06:26: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Defriending her is the obvious answer -- but it's easier said than done. To de-friend my one-upper I'd have to de-friend a bunch of other people as well.

Boy, I like the "list" function.

Posted by chive (# 208) on :

She reminds me of a lass I once worked with who had to trump everyone's experience to the point of ridiculousness. She eventually stopped after she was mocked large and long after another colleague was telling us a story about when he was in the merchant navy and he was held at gunpoint by pirates in the South China Sea. We were all waiting for him to finish this, clearly interesting story, when she interrupted with, 'When I was shot in the head...'

Mock her, take the piss, fuck her - you don't need arseholes in your life.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by chive:
She reminds me of a lass I once worked with who had to trump everyone's experience to the point of ridiculousness. She eventually stopped after she was mocked large and long after another colleague was telling us a story about when he was in the merchant navy and he was held at gunpoint by pirates in the South China Sea. We were all waiting for him to finish this, clearly interesting story, when she interrupted with, 'When I was shot in the head...'

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

At a Christmas party with family friends-- we were bonding over our favorite Christmas carols, and one bubblehead chirped, "the only version of that song I like is the one I perform on harpsichord, with this cellist I know..."

Posted by TheAlethiophile (# 16870) on :

It's so tempting to start a response along the lines of...You think you've had trouble with a one-upper? Mine was ten times worse!

If you really want to be shot of her, announce that you will be soon be donating one kidney and see if she keeps playing.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
It's so tempting to start a response along the lines of...You think you've had trouble with a one-upper? Mine was ten times worse!

(yenta voice)You don't know from one-upping!

Oh and go to 1:50 here. I know this chick. I KNOW HER!

(the premise of the sketch is the recurring "drama queen" character teaching her acting students how to make every situation revolve around themselves.)

[ 25. June 2014, 07:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

I think there are a number of options you can take here.

1. Return her one-upping with your own. If she asks why you are not "going it alone", explain that you find it good to have someone who agrees with you, and can help you grow - like a sportswoman and a coach. If she discusses the pilgrimages she is going on, explain that you would rather spend your money on other people, not yourself.

2. Defriend her aggressively, making it clear that you can no longer cope with her neediness in her spiritual life, and so are trying to find more positive people to work with. When you meet her, ignore her completely. If she butts in, pretend you don't know her at all. Take a leaf out of the Jane Austen era women who knew how to cut someone.

3. Kill her. Personally, this would be my preference. Simple and straightforward, not to mention permanent. Of course, she would probably then come back after 3 days, but if she does, remember, she will almost certainly be gone in 40 days again.

Whatever, get this bitch out of your life. She is a waste of your time.

Posted by Erroneous Monk (# 10858) on :

I think this is a great thread. Thanks Charlie.

I also think the leaving-her-in-the-desert fantasy is probably really healthy.

There are some people where the only thing you can do is keep smiling, while inside you're wondering whether it'd be possible to stick your pen over her glasses and into her eye without breaking it.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I think you may have a mis-labelling problem. The correct term for someone who brings negativity and suffering into your life is not 'friend' but 'enemy'.

Act accordingly.

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
At a Christmas party with family friends-- we were bonding over our favorite Christmas carols, and one bubblehead chirped, "the only version of that song I like is the one I perform on harpsichord, with this cellist I know..."

OMG!

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
It's so tempting to start a response along the lines of...You think you've had trouble with a one-upper? Mine was ten times worse!

If you really want to be shot of her, announce that you will be soon be donating one kidney and see if she keeps playing.

OMG I almost spit my tea on the computer. LOVE IT!

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
one bubblehead chirped, "the only version of that song I like is the one I perform on harpsichord, with this cellist I know..."

To which the response is, "Oh, I hear the critics really panned that recording. I'm so sorry."

I have a dear friend who has been a dear friend for many years -- he's helped me through difficult times, and I him. However, whenever I begin to tell him about something, his response always is, "Oh, my cousin Naomi had it much worse" or "That's like the time that my friend Joey [did something far more interesting]."

Fortunately (I guess), he now lives 3000 miles away and our encounters can only be by telephone.

I finally told him, "Elliot, I don't know these people you're telling me about, and I want you to know that whenever you start going on about them I just take the receiver away from my ear." That hasn't completely broken him of the habit, but at least I can keep the friendship going without actually having to listen to him.

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

Thank you fellow sufferers,

I am so blown away by the options. It's like I just opened all my Christmas presents early. I want to use every one of them. The one who was story bombing with her comment about being shot in the head, I could so see her doing that.

We are NOT friends. I ended that a year or more ago. Sadly, we do end up at the same functions and I'm not going to check ahead of time because that just isn't worth the effort.

I think the comment about major insecurity is valid. She has a priest she worships (not kidding) and she literally threw herself on the ground once because she THOUGHT he might be mad at her. I see Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm a mental health case manager who works with the homeless so I've seen it all before.

When someone needs to be admired that much you are all right, feeding that monster gets nowhere.

I love the options and thanks for making me laugh. LOVE IT!! [Snigger]

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
...she calls, don't answer, and if you accidentally do, suddenly come down with a really horrible case of the trots...

Not unless you want to hear about her MUCH worse case.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

I refrain from telling my mom about any ailment I have unless abslutely necessary, for just that reason.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Defriending her is the obvious answer -- but it's easier said than done. To de-friend my one-upper I'd have to de-friend a bunch of other people as well.
Boy, I like the "list" function.

Me too, but despite my phrasing I wasn't just talking about Facebook here. The one-upper in my life is too important in one of my social circles for me to simply stop having anything to do with her.

The newest development with her is that she's in love. So naturally she talks if she discovered, nay, created love itself.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Oooh, dear.

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

Next function you both go to hire a stupendous male escort (stuff a cucumber down his trouser leg) to fawn over you all night (make sure you hair is a mess and you have grass in it, look flushed), and barely talk to her again.

[ 25. June 2014, 16:43: Message edited by: Pyx_e ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

So, at age 45, I still have that one friend who will glom all over any guy who gives me the slightest attention, even if she has taken no notice of him before. To the point that I have been tempted to advise male friends, " if you really want to get X's attention, flirt with me for an hour or two. She'll be on you like white on rice."

Which is really funny, but I do worry about meeting someone special and having her interfere. My plan, therefore, is a modification of Pyx_e's -- hire the hunky escort, have him act out being "stolen away" and meanwhile I scurry off to be comforted by the guy I really like.

Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :

My boss is like this. When I said I was seeing my GP for IBS symptoms, he said 'Oh, I've got that!' I asked him if he'd been disagnosed and, of course, he hadn't.

He's also done everyone else's jobs, so he knows all about them and you can't tell him anything. I think he must have done my job a very long time ago, though, as he doesn't seem to remember what it involves. He must be at least 150 years old, as that's what it would take for him to have done every single job in our department. Or maybe he's lying.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Ya think?

Where do we get all these "friends" anyway? [Confused]

Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I refrain from telling my mom about any ailment I have unless abslutely necessary, for just that reason.

Since I was once an insufferable a-hole, I guess karma had to fulfill itself when my wife and I got involved two years ago with this woman from our church. Maybe we felt sorry for her...I know we were both wildly attracted to her beauty...but we sure paid a high price for befriending her. She is also one of these people who always has to one-up your particular pain. She does this on a constant basis. What's worse is she is a disabled veteran and is convinced that without heavy-duty pain killers she is going to die of agony. So, she has faked being critically ill enough times that the Atlanta V.A. hospital just doesn't have any room for her in the emergency room. The V.A. will tell the paramedics that they have to take her someplace else. Our ex-girlfriend is always so upset about this. She doesn't get it. I was with her on two occasions in the e.r. when the doctor told her there wasn't anything wrong with her and she dramatically moaned, "Ohhhhh, but the pain! I'm going to die from the pain!". She fooled them a few times but after I ratted her out to her psychiatrist (she doesn't know about that!), the e.r. doesn't give her pain meds unless they find something that would cause her such pain. She's always in so much pain. Last week she called my wife and moaned that she had a chill and should she go to the e.r.? My wife absolutely hates talking to her. Gee, I wonder why.

Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :

Next time your paths cross, let her speak first - then one-up her.

She'll probably one-up you back, just keep on going and see how ridiculous it gets.

She might get the message, she might not, but it'll be fun!!

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Ya think?

Where do we get all these "friends" anyway?

I think we are using the term generously. Because, yeah, the people I think of who I feel I have established decent friendships with just would not pull this shit-- and I don't feel the urge to avoid them.

That's what happens when you gamble peoples genuine rapport for mere social dominance-- you might have people showering you with attention in a surface way, but you don't have that kind of deep down reassurance of companionship that a reciprocal friendship gives.

Hence my advice to Mom-- make individual dates with the women in your group who don't drive you batshit and that will help alleviate the irritation of having to deal with her in a group.

My mom's problem, though is that she also has a need to be the boss bitch, so avoiding her won't do-- she has to trump her.

I said to her (like Ruth said earlier) that if she was annoyed, there had to be others who were annoyed, too.Ironically I based this belief on a couple of conversations I had had with a couple of my mom's similarly aged relatives. About her behavior.

[ 25. June 2014, 18:34: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

Posted by quetzalcoatl (# 16740) on :

There's something about age as well, isn't there? When I was in my 20s, I had 'friends' who were completely unsuitable, sarcastic, mocking, unrelated, and so on, but I had a sort of emotional promiscuity. So I thought everybody would be my friend, even people I didn't like!

Anyway, as the heart grows older, it comes to such sights colder (Hopkins), and I had less and less friends, as I discriminated. Now as an old man, they are nearly all dead or mad! They tell me this is progress.

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
She'll probably one-up you back, just keep on going and see how ridiculous it gets.

This ridiculous?
[Big Grin]

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

Or this ?

[ 25. June 2014, 19:02: Message edited by: Doublethink ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

What if you could infect someone's Siri with a program that one-ups everything they say? [Yipee]

Posted by Amazing Grace (# 95) on :

I want in on the ground floor on that app. Sounds like it would make a fortune.

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:

quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
She'll probably one-up you back, just keep on going and see how ridiculous it gets.
This ridiculous?

Never, EVER link to anything from the Live at the Hollywood Bowl concert. That abomination was the biggest insult to one's fans ever committed.
Any other version is better.
Of course, you could always watch the original.

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

Have very much enjoyed this thread although I don't have much to add to it.

You all are so much better at having one-upping friends than I am.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Or this ?

(sigh) Nina Wadia. [Axe murder]

... sorry, what were we discussing again?

Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Next function you both go to hire a stupendous male escort (stuff a cucumber down his trouser leg) to fawn over you all night (make sure you hair is a mess and you have grass in it, look flushed), and barely talk to her again.

I was called?

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Now, see? That would be a bro move. [Big Grin]

Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :

No cucumber needed.

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

22 cucumber St.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Next function you both go to hire a stupendous male escort (stuff a cucumber down his trouser leg) to fawn over you all night (make sure you hair is a mess and you have grass in it, look flushed), and barely talk to her again.

She and I are both dating academics, so the last time she really got going about how great her guy is, I managed to mention that mine went to Harvard and is at a more prestigious university than hers is. [Big Grin]

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
No cucumber needed.

A single cooked udon noodle perhaps ....

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

That's another possibility--come in glowing (disheveled gorgeous escort is up to you) and when she asks why, refuse to tell her. "Oh, I don't think I can talk about it now", with mysterious smile--and keep evading the questions in a similar way until she dies of a fevered imagination.

What you don't hear about, you can't effectively top.

Posted by Erroneous Monk (# 10858) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Next function you both go to hire a stupendous male escort (stuff a cucumber down his trouser leg) to fawn over you all night (make sure you hair is a mess and you have grass in it, look flushed), and barely talk to her again.

From the OP it sounds as if, for maximum effect, he would have to be dressed as a priest. Are you available?

Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :

Yes! Hire a Justin Welby/ Papa Francis/ Ecumenical Patriarch lookalike, and turn up to your next meeting with them. When one-upper tries to interrupt, have your lookalike hold up their hand and say something like “Excuse me, madam, but I must keep learning from this sage; I have never heard such spiritual wisdom.” Look super-pious for bonus points.

Posted by Higgs Bosun (# 16582) on :

Another source of laughter about one-upmanship is to search the Dilbert archive for 'topper' as here.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Earwig:
Yes! Hire a Justin Welby/ Papa Francis/ Ecumenical Patriarch lookalike, and turn up to your next meeting with them. When one-upper tries to interrupt, have your lookalike hold up their hand and say something like “Excuse me, madam, but I must keep learning from this sage; I have never heard such spiritual wisdom.” Look super-pious for bonus points.

My favorite episode of " Extras" involved the character Maggie ( a film extra) being alternately hounded by an old school mate whose acting carreer had progressed a bit more than hers, sliding in little digs about her superior dating life, living arangements, and job offers-- and by Orlando Bloom, who was furious that she didn't agree with some tabloid assessment that he was the sexiest man alive.

Just when the school mate is crafting her most elaborate and seamless one- up, Orlando Bloom comes sailing in from stage left, demanding a kiss from Maggie, who reluctantly agrees if " he will shut up about it."

See, that's what I keep hoping, if I just hang in there and do my best, the karma fairy will decide to include me in on some fun.

[ 26. June 2014, 17:15: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Higgs Bosun:
Another source of laughter about one-upmanship is to search the Dilbert archive for 'topper' as here.

This is the BEST!

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :

Great thread.

Years ago, I was telling my mother about a good friend who had just died after lingering three days in a coma, having been fatally injured in an RTA (he was a pedestrian struck by a motorbike). This event had left all who knew him in deep shock and grief.

Mother immediately responded with "when your father died", (10 years earlier, not unexpected), "I didn't have friends or anyone to help", thereby downplaying my very recent bereavement and passive-aggressively pointing out that, apparently, I hadn't done nearly enough by way of assisting her (as usual).

I note also that I have neatly combined the "Difficult Relatives" thread with this one. [Biased]

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Next function you both go to hire a stupendous male escort (stuff a cucumber down his trouser leg) to fawn over you all night (make sure you hair is a mess and you have grass in it, look flushed), and barely talk to her again.
From the OP it sounds as if, for maximum effect, he would have to be dressed as a priest. Are you available?

"Available" is not the word I would use.

Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:
Originally posted by Higgs Bosun:
Another source of laughter about one-upmanship is to search the Dilbert archive for 'topper' as here.
This is the BEST!

Magnificent!!!!! Maybe the OP could take a few tips - and tell her "friend" to shut her pie hole or offer to punch them one!!!

Tubbs

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Higgs Bosun:
Another source of laughter about one-upmanship is to search the Dilbert archive for 'topper' as here.

Those are totally hilarious. I love it when Alice screams "Shut your pie hole!" That's me with Miss One-Upper.

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:

quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Next function you both go to hire a stupendous male escort (stuff a cucumber down his trouser leg) to fawn over you all night (make sure you hair is a mess and you have grass in it, look flushed), and barely talk to her again.
From the OP it sounds as if, for maximum effect, he would have to be dressed as a priest. Are you available?
"Available" is not the word I would use.

A priest? Hmmm maybe someone could just dress like one. I need a hottie about 10 years younger than me. Will I go to hell for this? Wait I'm in hell asking that. Oh that would be amazing. The possibilities are endless. From him interrupting her endlessly saying over and over what an amazing theologian I am to how he's going to sponsor me on 7 pilgrimages in the next year. Then a little flirting fun. [Snigger]

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

I could get a few people around me acting all excited and say that, after writing him a letter, Pope Francis called and I've been invited to Rome. I can't believe it and have everyone around me acting all exited and one of them was there when I talked to him on the phone. "So...did Pope Francis ever call you? I can't believe he commented on my letter and I get to spend a week riding around in his Pope mobile next month. So what are you doing for the rest of the summer?" BEOTCH

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

I got it! How about a priest telling her how I'm his spiritual director? [Eek!]

Posted by chive (# 208) on :

When she mentions her good relationships with oh these many priests do you ever ask her when she developed her priest fetish? I've met a few women who seem to collect priests as a sort of safe nonsexual but in their heads clearly a little bit sexual fashion. Tis not healthy.

Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by chive:
When she mentions her good relationships with oh these many priests do you ever ask her when she developed her priest fetish? I've met a few women who seem to collect priests as a sort of safe nonsexual but in their heads clearly a little bit sexual fashion. Tis not healthy.

I would be tempted to ask her, when she blathers on about whether or not you use his work or personal email is, What's it to you? and then change the subject.

From the OP, it sounds like you're this Priests friend - you correspond, you get dinner invites, you have a healthy, two way relationship etc. She's not his mate, she's just a cloth moth. I bet if you mentioned in passing to this Priest that you find her a little difficult you might score a wry smile. Most clergy with half a brain can spot that type a mile away - and avoid them like the plague!

Remembering my particular Topper, once you realise that's what they're doing, you may be half way there. Toppers do what they do because they're insecure, needy and get their jollies from making others feel bad about themselves. You're way better than that. Next time she gets going, just think, "Yeah love, whatever ... And I bet you can walk on water too".. [Roll Eyes]

Whilst smiling and nodding.

That said, I'm only human and I may have enjoyed the moment when I last ran into her and whilst she was banging on about how actively involved they were at church, I slipped into conversation that Mr T was now Rev T. [Snigger]

Tubbs

[ 27. June 2014, 11:25: Message edited by: Tubbs ]

Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :

quote:
Originally posted by chive:
When she mentions her good relationships with oh these many priests do you ever ask her when she developed her priest fetish? I've met a few women who seem to collect priests as a sort of safe nonsexual but in their heads clearly a little bit sexual fashion. Tis not healthy.

I have no idea but she's obsessed with one priest in particular. She's married with kids so I don't even want to know what's up with that. I think it's because he tells her she has some magical "healing gift". Whatever.

We used to attend the same parish. I was going through a really horrible depression after my 2nd divorce and told her how horrible I felt. I was almost suicidal. I made it clear I wasn't but that I really wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow. She just went on and on about how upset she was because the priest she likes hasn't been returning her calls. That's when she ceased to be a friend. In my hour of darkness you take my own candle of hope and shine that light on yourself? Thanks. BTW, I saw a doc and I'm on some really good meds and I'm feeling much better. But this goes way deeper than her just injecting herself into my life to one-up. I know I really have to let it go so she doesn't rent space in my head and I guess that's why I wrote this, for some validation and just to get her out of my head.

This latest incident she had the nerve to send through a good friend. She told her to tell me how wonderful Lourdes was and how she enjoyed seeing St Bernadette's grave, she took her daughter with her and too bad I had to miss it, yada yada. She knows I really tried to see if there was any way I could go on that trip. She KNEW I really was sad when I realized I couldn't go, especially when my spiritual director was leading the trip. I have a very large statue of Our Lady Of Lourdes in a shrine I set up in my living room. I had also just gotten stable on some medication, and she just had to send that dig. I told the new friend, who had no idea, to please never relay messages for her. Her response was that she would not do it again and that this gal probably had low self esteem.

Well my self esteem is at minus 50 and I am supposed to take her crap? Why? I get hammered and beat on by her priest sorta boyfriend when I said I wanted my ashes scattered some day when we were talking about another member's funeral. "That's not the holy disposition the church requires." TOUGH ROCKS. You don't get to say what is done with me when I'm gone, you crapped on me enough when I was alive.

[Disappointed]

Then I find out about those mass graves of children at the Catholic orphanages that they are finding. Yeah that seems like holy disposition. I'm tired of being told I have to be 100% ass in line by her and her priest buddy while the church can do whatever it wants.

The nice thing about having a diagnosed mental illness (which she had to top with her horrible brain problems she has cause she fell on the ice and bonked her empty head)is that I can blow my gasket and then later say that she has to excuse me because I can't help it. I'm tired of getting no breaks when I struggle and am medically diagnosed with a mental illness while she gets off the hook because she has "low self esteem". Tough shit, suck it up Buttercup, put on your big girl panties and know that once you dish it out you better be able to take it right back.

I love how we have to accommodate other people's abusive crap but if we give some back we're horrible and mean. [Roll Eyes]

Posted by Erroneous Monk (# 10858) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:

She knows I really tried to see if there was any way I could go on that trip. She KNEW I really was sad when I realized I couldn't go, especially when my spiritual director was leading the trip. I have a very large statue of Our Lady Of Lourdes in a shrine I set up in my living room.

This is turning into an episode of Father Ted.

Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:

quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:

She knows I really tried to see if there was any way I could go on that trip. She KNEW I really was sad when I realized I couldn't go, especially when my spiritual director was leading the trip. I have a very large statue of Our Lady Of Lourdes in a shrine I set up in my living room.
This is turning into an episode of Father Ted.

Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jbohn:

quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:

quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:

She knows I really tried to see if there was any way I could go on that trip. She KNEW I really was sad when I realized I couldn't go, especially when my spiritual director was leading the trip. I have a very large statue of Our Lady Of Lourdes in a shrine I set up in my living room.
This is turning into an episode of Father Ted.

You'll have had your tea ...

Tubbs

Posted by Dark Knight (# 9415) on :

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:

quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:

quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
She'll probably one-up you back, just keep on going and see how ridiculous it gets.
This ridiculous?

Never, EVER link to anything from the Live at the Hollywood Bowl concert. That abomination was the biggest insult to one's fans ever committed.
Any other version is better.
Of course, you could always watch the original.

Looks like one-upmanship is alive and well here.
"You think that's a Monty Python sketch? Aye, let me show you a REAL Monty Python sketch!"
[Roll Eyes]

Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Or this ?

I used to LOVE these two.

Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
That's another possibility--come in glowing (disheveled gorgeous escort is up to you) and when she asks why, refuse to tell her. "Oh, I don't think I can talk about it now", with mysterious smile--and keep evading the questions in a similar way until she dies of a fevered imagination.

What you don't hear about, you can't effectively top.

UBB.classic^TM 6.5.0