Ship of Fools: An empty nest

Thread: An empty nest Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

In eight days time LRP and I revert to being a couple after being a family for over 30 years. Our son moves out leaving the hose to just us for the first time in over 30 years.

What are the best tips on being alone together?

Posted by Lucia (# 15201) on :

This recent thread now shunted off to Oblivion might be of interest...

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

Our daughter left home for good at age 21 and she's been self-sufficient since then.

We have things we like to do which we couldn't have done when she was still at home: sleeping in, going to the UK, singing in a choir which performs at the local Irish cultural center, buying my third new car, etc.

The dog is gone also, well not physically gone - his ashes are on a bookshelf in the front room.

We are no longer close to our daughter: we talk on the phone about once a month and see her only once or twice a year - usually on her birthday and around Christmas.

It is nice to establish leisure time rituals like taking a walk to one of the local Irish-owned pubs on the weekend, successfully going on an Atkins diet and going to weight-loss club meetings, de-cluttering the house, etc.

Establish some new traditions now that the kids are all grown!

Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :

23 year old just moved back yesterday. We've been empty nest on and off for a while. Kids are boomerangs these days. Plenty of time to grow and find your way in this difficult world.

Posted by Ethne Alba (# 5804) on :

really? make sure each has an escape room for when the other is watching rubbish on the telly......

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

If you google around, you can find those graphs about happiness over a lifetime. The line tends to trend down in the twenties (career, children) and bottom out in the late forties. But then it picks up again. You can guess why.
My son boomeranged home again after college, for want of a job that pays a living wage. However, we are much happier anyway. Life is DEFINITELY better in your 50s.

Posted by Caissa (# 16710) on :

I left for university at 19 and periodically cam home for summer employment. I boomeranged back at 30 and lived in my parents' flat until I was 32 and got married. My wife and I promptly moved into the flat downstairs from my parents. We now live about a half hours drive from my parents' house.

Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :

Telly? No young person watches that any more. They stream things on that expensive tablet while wearing earphones.

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
Telly? No young person watches that any more. They stream things on that expensive tablet while wearing earphones.

Like this.

Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :

Enjoy it while you can - the chances are that they will come back home again at some point. Both of our children did. We had to emigrate to stop that happening again!

Posted by Gareth (# 2494) on :

We're counting down until we can evict our youngest - and then we'll move onto our boat and disappear. They'll never find us!

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

How do you tell the difference between sensible preparing for an empty nest and full-on ridiculous mid-life crisis?

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Develop a variety of things you do on your own and some you do together. That way, you've always got something interesting to talk about. Now that you actually have time to talk, without teenage ears overhearing everything!

Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :

Resurrecting this thread to find put how everyone is getting on? Nenlet2 will be moving out of the family home in September to pursue further studies - really excited for him [Yipee]

- so Mr Nen and I will be Empty Nesters. [Eek!]

We're getting a taste of what it's going to be like as he is away this week. Can't say I'm enjoying it. [Waterworks]

Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :

At the risk of cross-threading with the Decluttering Support thread - clear their rooms out, re-decorate and dedicate the room to another purpose. If their room becomes a sewing-cum-ironing room it's a whole lot less attractive to a boomeranging child!

Seriously, it's a permanent work in progress. Mr S and I are not only empty-nesters but both retired, and it isn't always easy, two of you 24/7, unless you take steps to moderate that.

Find things you want to do together, but also seek out things you can do separately so you have other things to talk about. Keep up with friends, both jointly and severally - now we have no kids at home we can have the parties chez nous, no driving, and at our age you normally make a profit on the booze.

Most of all - have fun together!

Mrs. S, having managed to displace her little chickadees [Yipee]

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

quote:
The Intrepid Mrs S: at our age you normally make a profit on the booze.

You sell booze at your parties?

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

We're into the countdown - empty nest in 6 weeks time. However, we have friends coming to visit soon after which will defer the full horror of it being "just the two of us."

Posted by John Holding (# 158) on :

quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:

quote:
The Intrepid Mrs S: at our age you normally make a profit on the booze.
You sell booze at your parties?

I don't know what Mrs. S means, but when I host a part I provide lots of wine and a little beer. (The wine I make myself from a kit -- the work is actually done at the place I buy the kit, so all I do is pay and bottle.) I've been making the same wine (2 white, 1 red) for about 10 years and its perfectly drinkable.) My cost is about $5 a bottle, and we drink 4-5 bottles (partly the party is only about 25-30 people, but fewer and fewer of our friends drink more than a glass, or bottle of beer).

But at least half of those who come bring a bottle. That's 8-10 bottles back from the 4-5 they drink. And much of what they bring is of higher quality than what they drink -- or at least, more expensive, averaging I'd guess $12-15 a bottle at the least. A double profit, though not one that I expect or count on.

John

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by John Holding:
... But at least half of those who come bring a bottle. That's 8-10 bottles back from the 4-5 they drink ...

That's what I understood by Mrs. S's post - it quite often works along those lines when we have dinner parties.

[tangent]
Am I right in thinking that in parts of Canada it's regarded as a bit naff to open bottles of wine brought by your guests? I've seen contestants on Come Dine With Me expressing horror when the hosting contestant does it, but maybe in those cases it was because the host's supply had run out (or the guests were just looking for something to carp about).

FWIW I disagree; if someone brings a nice bottle of wine that goes well with what we're eating, I'll open it. Conversely, we have friends who aren't really wine buffs*, and they're happy enough for us to say "go ahead and open this one" when we bring something that we like (although as they've got to know us, they've started getting in wines that we like when we visit them).

[/tangent OFF]

* Think Piat d'Or or Maria Cristina ... [Eek!]

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

Nenya, when my youngest left home it hit me like a train. I howled (after he had gone, he knows nothing about it). It was a visceral, animal howl which came, unbidden, up from my boots. The feeling I had was that Manchester - which was where he went, all of 10 miles away! - had stolen him. It was like a bereavement and I was in no way prepared for it. I had always waved them off to nursery, school, trips away etc without the slightest pang.

Of course, the feeling soon passed and now Mr Boogs and I enjoy the freedom. We love it when the Boogielets visit, but would not want them to come home to stay again!

Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :

I wouldn't dream of selling booze at the parties - we provide loads, but the guests almost invariably bring a bottle of wine per couple even if they both drink soft drinks!

Actually I now suggest people bring what they want to drink if it isn't wine or lager - we've given up on trying to cater for everyone's taste in ale, cider, fruit juice that isn't orange and so on.

On a similar point, I once took a large box of Hotel Chocolat goodies to a dinner party. The hostess promptly spirited them away and produced the After Eights and Matchmakers [Mad]

Mrs. S, won't get caught again!

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :

I tried converting the offspring's bedroom into a craft / sewing / ironing / spare room when she properly moved out a few years back. That one backfired when she boomeranged home with furniture a few months back. It was a short notice and the changes made it so much harder to turn the flat around to make space for her return.

The furniture is permanent, but her presence is not as she's taking time out to travel before starting a PhD in October and will move out again in late September.

Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on :

quote:
Originally posted by piglet:

quote:
Originally posted by John Holding:
... But at least half of those who come bring a bottle. That's 8-10 bottles back from the 4-5 they drink ...
That's what I understood by Mrs. S's post - it quite often works along those lines when we have dinner parties.

[tangent]
Am I right in thinking that in parts of Canada it's regarded as a bit naff to open bottles of wine brought by your guests? I've seen contestants on Come Dine With Me expressing horror when the hosting contestant does it, but maybe in those cases it was because the host's supply had run out (or the guests were just looking for something to carp about).

FWIW I disagree; if someone brings a nice bottle of wine that goes well with what we're eating, I'll open it. Conversely, we have friends who aren't really wine buffs*, and they're happy enough for us to say "go ahead and open this one" when we bring something that we like (although as they've got to know us, they've started getting in wines that we like when we visit them).

[/tangent OFF]

* Think Piat d'Or or Maria Cristina ...

To follow the tangent

I wouldn't dream of not offering the wine/chocolates that somebody brings to a 'do.'

It would feel miserly and ungracious to hide them away for my own consumption later.. Of course if there were many bottles we couldn't open them all, but I would let them be available in a free choice when the next bottles were to be opened

Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :

Thanks all. Decluttering is certainly on the list of things to do, I am formulating a plan and even reading a book about it. [Biased]

I will definitely need to keep busy.

It is true that we'll get the dining room table back - he likes to study there at times, for a change of scene - so could have people round for meals more. Mr Nen and I have always had plenty of spaces in our togetherness and we'll have to work at finding things to do together. He, I think, is looking forward to it being just the two of us.

Thanks for what you said, Boogie. I feel a bit ashamed of feeling so bereft at the prospect of Nenlet2 not being here, glad I'm not alone in those feelings. We have an autumn of busy weekends, which should alleviate what NEQ describes as "the full horror." [Killing me]

Posted by Barnabas Aus (# 15869) on :

We are now firmly in the empty nest category after several instances of boomeranging offspring. As each child or couple moved out we did repurpose the room as suggested upthread.

After the last departure, the remaining spare bedroom was converted into a winter sitting-room cum guestroom by the purchase of a really good quality sofabed, with a slatted pullout base rather than one of those folding spring ones which dig into you when you lay down.

So, I have my study, Mrs BA has her craft room and we have that guestroom. I work in mine, she works in hers and we peacefully co-exist.

Our major issue is decluttering. We have inherited three deceased estates over the last ten years from my parents, my aunt and most recently her mother. Emptying her mother's house has been a slow process, and as both she and Mrs BA had/have extensive collections of craft materials, it is a real challenge to sort, store or dispose.

Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :

Just updating the appropriate thread with news I've posted elsewhere - Nenlet2 sorted out his accommodation rather more quickly than anticipated and moved to his new university town last week. So Mr Nen and I are Empty Nesters rather earlier than we'd expected. Or, as NEQ would put it, the full horror is upon us. [Biased]

Nen -

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

We have another two weeks to go. Fortunately September is rather full - I have two conferences, husband has one, we have friends coming to stay and both the North East offspring will be home on the 18th as they're both registered to vote here.

So the full horror of it being "just the two of us" shouldn't hit till October. [Biased]

OTOH, the fact that we'll be apart for conferences for almost a third of September might be the start of what Nenya described elsewhere as "living parallel lives" - up to now, when one of us was away, the other had a child or two at home; the lack of "coupledom" was invisible because we were still living a "family" life.

[ 21. August 2014, 07:50: Message edited by: North East Quine ]

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Start getting ready for grandchildren. [Biased]

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

My son aims to become a full time writer. How many years do you suppose we'll have to wait till that pays enough for him to provide us with grandchildren??

Answers on a postcard....

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

[Eek!]

Posted by Ethne Alba (# 5804) on :

I was advised to encourage offspring to remove all belongings when they leave [Killing me]

In reality, student rooms/ one room accommodation/ shared flats/ frequent moving.....all conspires against this.

Maybe it's something to be aimed at but no sleep lost over

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

In any case, the removal of all their stuff is a sign they no longer regard you as 'home'.

Since my empty nest involved both of mine going off to uni 3 months after my other half died, it is not a time I look back on with fondness; in fact I feel pretty grim at the start of every term.

Posted by JoannaP (# 4493) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ethne Alba:
I was advised to encourage offspring to remove all belongings when they leave

In reality, student rooms/ one room accommodation/ shared flats/ frequent moving.....all conspires against this.

Maybe it's something to be aimed at but no sleep lost over

I agree with L'organist on this one. It really hurt when my mother turned up at my 1-bed flat with boxes of stuff that I did not need immediately but did not want to lose, announcing that there was no room for them in the 4-bed house. It did feel like a clear statement that I was no longer welcome in the house that had been my home for the last 20 years.

Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :

quote:
Originally posted by JoannaP:

quote:
Originally posted by Ethne Alba:
I was advised to encourage offspring to remove all belongings when they leave

In reality, student rooms/ one room accommodation/ shared flats/ frequent moving.....all conspires against this.

Maybe it's something to be aimed at but no sleep lost over
I agree with L'organist on this one. It really hurt when my mother turned up at my 1-bed flat with boxes of stuff that I did not need immediately but did not want to lose, announcing that there was no room for them in the 4-bed house. It did feel like a clear statement that I was no longer welcome in the house that had been my home for the last 20 years.

I wasn't that hard on my two - we got all their belongings down from the loft and asked them to go through and get rid of what they no longer wanted. Anything they wanted us to keep was fine, as long as they gave me a business plan for WHY they needed it kept and FOR HOW LONG.

The Former Miss S's MiL, on the other hand, used to turn up at their new house with a car full of Stuff, in many cases not actually belonging to SiL (and clearly labelled to that effect [Ultra confused]

)

Mrs. S, loving her children more than their belongings! [Biased]

Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on :

My SIL knew it was time to have a clear out when they realised they were only keeping a very large house going, in order to house teh stuff that their 4 grown up kids had left behind.

The last of whom had left home 10 years before....

Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
My SIL knew it was time to have a clear out when they realised they were only keeping a very large house going, in order to house teh stuff that their 4 grown up kids had left behind.

The last of whom had left home 10 years before....

I still have some stuff in my childhood home - a few boxes of treasured mementos, a few shelves of books. I've been gradually paring it down over the last decade.

There wasn't much point in dragging my collection of memories through a series of very temporary homes, and the first place that we intended to live for more than a couple of years is on a different continent, so just going home with a carload is a non-starter.

I don't even sleep in "my" bedroom when we go back now, which I find I rather miss.

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

(slight) tangent

Of course, as a clergy house I never had a 'family home' which may have made me rather sensitive on the issue, but I know that the offspring, too, are not keen to see the house stripped bare of their presence.

In any case, how do you expect a 20 year old who plays virtually every sport there is to keep all their gear? At the moment the house (or an outbuilding) has within it

full cricket kit
spring-loaded stumps
golf clubs
surf boards
badminton kit
tennis kit
hockey sticks, boots, etc
ice skates
fishing rod, keep net, bag, waders

times two - plus the smaller stuff like football and rugby boots and other specialised clothing such as wetsuits. Even if a student could actually transport that lot to uni at the start of the year, where would they keep it all? Dammit, the furniture provided in hall by one place was so minimalist I actually had to go out and buy a chest of drawers for one since the only drawer in his room was the one in the 'desk'.

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

I still have stuff in my parents' house, mostly stored in boxes. I've lived in so many places and countries, often for a couple of years at most, that it isn't really feasible to drag everything along with me.

Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on :

Well I don’t count going to university as really leaving home, for a start you are only there for about 30 weeks a year – the other 22 you have to go somewhere else.

But that’s how so many parents end up storing their adult children’s stuff for years. Kids go to uni and leave what they can’t take with them at home with mum and dad. Then when they finish uni for good, they don’t come home but move to another place to work. And their stuff still stays at parents.

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

I am in no hurry whatsoever to clear the kids rooms.

I move all the bits and pieces - left behind shoes and scarves out of the porch, the scatter of books everywhere, dump them all in their rooms and close the door. That makes the house feel empty enough without clearing what is behind their shut bedroom doors.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

I'm in favor of the gradual approach if nothing (e.g. illness, sudden need to move house) makes the faster approach necessary. I know when I left it hurt to have my mother actively trying to clear my stuff out of the garage (and some of my sister's to me, too!). But what really, really hurt wasn't that, but when she showed up with our baby teeth, kindergarten report cards, etc. and said "here, this means more to you than to me." My sister and I almost lost it. Symbolically it felt like she wanted no part of us anymore. I'm not doing that to my son, I've already informed him that he gets the most intimate baby souvenirs only after I'm dead.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

My dad died when I had been living over here about 9 years and only after that did I manage to clear a whole load of my stuff out of his house before it was sold.

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

Keeping all your kids' stuff for them necessarily entails keeping a big house. Not fun, as the years roll by. Eventually , one must downsize. What are two older people doing in a house big enough for six? Merely housing the kids' stuff?

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

When my parents moved after we were grown, they agreed to store one trunk for each of us. It was up to us what went into that trunk.

Moo

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

Gosh, Moo, a really good idea.

One I'll try when they finish at uni and move onto a first job away from home. (I passed this onto a friend just now and he's going to give it a try too).

Thanks.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

When I moved out of the family home and got married, I made sure I took everything that belonged to me. It made me feel at home in my new house. So I do find it hard to understand why everyone else doesn't want to do the same.

I have agreed to keep our adult offsprings' belongings, on condition that they go up in the loft. And you never know what the mice will get up to....

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

I left home to a bedsit, I could only take all my stuff from home when I was renting a bigger place. I suspect that's a factor for many.

Posted by Ethne Alba (# 5804) on :

admitting: that i quite like having their clobber around

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
When I moved out of the family home and got married, I made sure I took everything that belonged to me. It made me feel at home in my new house. So I do find it hard to understand why everyone else doesn't want to do the same.

Because I wasn't making a new home when I moved out of my parents' home. My permanent move out of the family home came when I finished college and went to graduate school. In order, I rented ...

--a bedroom in a condo (9 months)
--a sublet one-bedroom apartment full of the renter's stuff (3 months)
--a three-bedroom apartment with two roommates (2 years)
--a one-bedroom apartment (3 years)
--a four-bedroom house with three roommates (3 years)

... and then I finally settled down into the one-bedroom apartment I have now.

So yeah, I left some stuff in my parents' huge house. They had no intention of moving, and what was I going to do with two crates of china from my grandmother? It's not something you move when moving entails renting a truck and buying pizza and beer for your friends.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Moo's idea is great.

I think I took all of my crap within four years, and it took that long because four years is how long before you get your first permanent call (= placement) in the ministry of the LCMS. We could easily have ended up living a few blocks away from her, if our first congregation had turned out to be in CA. We thought it would, and had good reason to think so.

In which case it would have been silly to move unneeded fragile stuff cross-country only to re-move it back to the same place again.

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

AFAIK the only belongings of mine that are still in Dad's house are a couple of shelves of (children's) books, which will probably remain there until he shuffles off the mortal coil and the house has to be sold.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

quote:
Because I wasn't making a new home when I moved out of my parents' home. My permanent move out of the family home came when I finished college and went to graduate school. In order, I rented ...

--a bedroom in a condo (9 months)
--a sublet one-bedroom apartment full of the renter's stuff (3 months)
--a three-bedroom apartment with two roommates (2 years)
--a one-bedroom apartment (3 years)
--a four-bedroom house with three roommates (3 years)

... and then I finally settled down into the one-bedroom apartment I have now.

So yeah, I left some stuff in my parents' huge house. They had no intention of moving, and what was I going to do with two crates of china from my grandmother? It's not something you move when moving entails renting a truck and buying pizza and beer for your friends.

Same as I didn't take all my stuff with me when I worked for a year and then went to college for 4. There's a difference between temporary apartments and your own 'real' home. When I say I can't understand why people don't want to take their stuff with them, I mean to their first 'real' home, when they start putting down roots.

Parents who clear all their offspring's stuff out, the second they walk out the door for the first time, are rather cruel, it seems to me. Plenty of time for that later. I gasped when I heard about my son's friend whose parents packed him off to university to the furthest distance possible, then waltzed off to their new home in Cyprus! No room for baggage there, or much sentimentality either....

[ 31. August 2014, 20:37: Message edited by: Chorister ]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Yeah, that hurts.

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

...wibble ...

Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :

Chorister:

quote:
Parents who clear all their offspring's stuff out, the second they walk out the door for the first time, are rather cruel, it seems to me.

Offspring who have younger siblings cannot reasonably expect their parents to keep their room as a shrine to their childhood forever, especially if the aforementioned younger siblings are having to share a room. My parents cleared all my stuff out of my room when I got my first (temporary) job away from home after university, so my younger sisters could have a room each. I must admit I felt a bit hurt when I heard what they'd done, but I understood their reasons for doing it.

Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :

quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
...wibble ...

{{{hugs}}} to you. I won't lie and say it's easy, because it isn't.

Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :

Younger goes tomorrow. However, elder is coming home for a night soon, partly to collect a parcel which was delivered here.

But husband and I have only had 3 hours in the last 24 in which we were in the same place and both awake, of which we have only spent the 20 mins over dinner in the same room, which may be fairly typical of life hereforth.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I'll admit that 20 minutes can be the duration of some weeknight dinners - but for 3 or 4 nights out of 7 we have Wine. This means I pull slightly more stops out in the catering: we have the aperitif interval before dinner in which to converse, the actual dinner (Typical conversation: 'salright? Mmmmm. Where did we get this bottle? Majestic/Sainsbury's/Lidl/Wood Winters/I think somebody gave it to us/Can't remember) which at least doubles - sometimes trebles - the time spent in each other's company.

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