Thread: Regret Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


To visit this thread, use this URL:
http://forum.ship-of-fools.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=70;t=027526

---

Posted by Late Paul (# 37) on :
 
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with regret?

As I get older and I still feel like my life isn't really going how I'd like it, I realise there are a few key decisions I made that have had significant (negative) impact on my life. The decision to leave my faith, the decision not to end a particular relationship, the decision not to take another one more seriously. I look back and think "if only I hadn't done that".

A lot.

Eventually I hope that I'll be able to look back and see that everything worked out for the best, or at least that I've been able to make up for it in some other way, but for now I'm having difficulty letting go.
 

---

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Do you have access to a therapist? A short-term round of talking it through may help.
 

---

Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Regrets are only of any use if they teach us something so that we change our behaviour from now on. We have to remind ourselves that we can't change the past, try to keep some perspective on it so that we can appreciate the good memories as well as the painful ones, and live for today. No, it isn't easy.

It means being kind to ourselves, forgiving ourselves, and starting afresh as often as it takes.

Sometimes it does help to talk it through. If we're talking the same thing through over and over, it may not be helping any more. Perhaps a friend, a spiritual director, or a therapist may help. It's good that you recognise what is happening. That's the first step toward changing it.
 

---

Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
I think it depends on how much the feelings of regret are dominating your thinking. If they are stopping you from getting on with your life, then seeking outside help will probably be important.

I think we all live with a certain degree of regret. I have certainly been through many times when I have looked back and wished that I had done things very differently. I should have taken the chance to travel the world before university, when I had the money and the time; I should have been bolder in making some key decisions. All that stuff.

One thing I find really important in all this, though, is to remember that life isn't like an Ikea construction sheet - where you have to fit every part to its neighbour in the right way or the whole thing is screwed. According to this view of life, if you make a bad decision, nothing will ever be perfect or good again and your life will always be like a wonky cupboard with doors that don't close and drawers that won't open properly.

Life is more like a road map. You have an idea of where you're going to, but there may be plenty of available routes. And if you make a bad decision, the journey isn't screwed - you just compensate and adjust.

It is easy to look back and say "if only I made THAT decision, everything would have worked out wonderfully." But none of us know how different things would have been if we had made just one minor change to our lives. For example, a friend of mine made a decision to turn to the right on getting on his normal train to work, rather than turn to the left. As a result, he ended up in a carriage where there were no fatalities, instead of being in a carriage where over 30 people died when the train crashed.

The point is - we are where we are now because of all sorts of decisions (good and bad) in the past. What matters is where we journey to from HERE.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Nobody, anywhere, has ever lived life perfectly.

There's an art to letting go. It isn't something that can be put into words - if someone tells you "let it go", and you ask them "how?" they will probably not be able to answer this. Trying to tell yourself it doesn't matter when you know damn well it does is no use.

Talking it over with a CBT therapist might help. They aren't gods, and you'd need to find one you felt you could work with, but it could be useful to talk things over with them.
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
20:20 hindsight is a wonderful thing: it tells us we should have done all sorts of things differently. But experience changes us. We are not the same person now as the person we were then, so we can't know how things would have turned out if we'd made different decisions.

As I keep telling my daughter, I regret more the things I didn't do, not the things I did as I pushed her to go inter-railing while she still had the chance and was about to give up, and again when she phoned up in tears threatening to fly home because she wasn't enjoying it a few days in. And yes, I really regret not going inter-railing myself when I could.

The things I did may not have worked out brilliantly well, but at least I tried them and was shaped by the experience. And if it was did all go pear-shaped, all I can do is accept the experience, learn from it and move on. I've learned empathy from some of those things and how to cope, if nothing else.

Practically, if I'm stuck in indecision or depression for some reason, I try listing out the factors making up the distress and then I put them into two columns: those I can do something about and those I can't. Then I concentrate on the things I can do something about as a positive way forward and do my best to put the things I can't change out of my mind. So I could declutter and feel better about my surroundings, I can work on changing jobs but I have to live with the one I'm in until I've found something else.
 

---

Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
My life has been full of regrets - even when you say "Sorry" you have to move on.

The regrets have made me the person I am today. I accept that and try to move on, without looking back too often at what can't be repaired.

As time goes on, I will probably end up with more regrets. Hopefully not the same sort, because that means that I haven't learnt anything.

I will never be perfect, but I will always be me.
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
It's a lot to do with YouNow not accepting YouThen. We were all once less knowledgeable, less experienced, less wise, less everything. But it is just the choices that we made from the places of ignorance, naivety and folly that made us capable of judging our past selves. Next, we need to move to forgiving them.
 

---

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 
I'm only now, at 52, becoming reconciled to my younger selves. If you'd asked me even five years ago, I'd have said I was hideously embarrassed by 30Me and that he was a total prat. (Actually, I wouldn't have said anything at all, so embarrassed would I have been, but I'd have thought it.)

But only today, in a roundabout way, I described 30Me to a friend as "a bit earnest, a bit pious, but basically okay". And I felt all right about doing that, but it's taken more than twenty years.

(40Me, on the other hand - you really wouldn't want to know... )
 

---

Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
Just a different version of what others have already said, plus a suggestion.

These regrets are a form of grieving for losses so you might find it helpful to look at models of recovery through grief such as
Wordens four tasks of mourning

Something I personally have found helpful will sound very 'twee' but is very powerful is cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Most of the time there will be something to be happy and grateful for, sights, sounds, physical sensations, food, good health etc. Even the ability to enjoy a coffee and shower in the morning. Enjoy as many of these moments and be grateful for them. Recollect them at the end of day.

Deliberately turn aside from the regretful thoughts and look for something good and beautiful. I think Paul advised this in one of his letters. (Philippians 4:8) It works.

Outside of the early stages of severe loss, physical pain, clinical depression and mental illness Abraham Lincoln got it right when he said

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Your thoughts come into the category of things you can change.

[ 02. August 2014, 21:59: Message edited by: Thyme ]
 

---

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
My biggest regret (and it may be small in the Grand Scheme Of Things) is making a bollocks of my degree. I didn't work hard enough, and I failed.

Every so often (usually when I see friends or children-of-friends graduating) I still mentally beat myself up about it, but then I tell myself that I'd probably have made a lousy teacher anyway (it was a B.Ed.) and that I've not made a bad fist of the jobs I've ended up doing; I did a secretarial course, and have worked variously for lawyers, doctors and academics.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by PeteC:
The regrets have made me the person I am today.

---

this.

I have done some stupid things. really bad decisions. I started listing them all, but I don't want to do that. the end result of the list is this: I like who I am now. And who I am now is in large part thanks to all of my really stupid decisions.

Young Me would have believed Now Me would have been financially stable, moderately (if not wildly) successful, happily in a fantastic and eternally-romantic relationship, with perfect children who never fuck up.

But when I look at the life path that would have led me to be that person - it looks kind of boring. further, it develops no character, at least of the kind of character I have grown to appreciate. Character is built by taking your lumps; by life kicking you in the teeth. and let's face it, a lot of the shit life rains down on us is in one way or another self-inflicted. I'm not saying we deserve the shit we get, because we don't. but sometimes through ignorance we set ourselves up.

Case in point - I didn't choose to marry an abuser. I never would have done such a thing. but in my ignorance, I chose to marry someone who is that type. If I knew then what I know now... But I didn't. So be it.

The abuse thing was awful, and harmed way more than just me. I can't take responsibility for that - but it is hard not to, sometimes. Still - good comes out of everything. and while I could spend my efforts regretting, and wishing I had made different choices, I chose instead to see the person I am now, and be thankful, at least, for that. I'm a better person for the darkness and mud I have powered through.

if I dwell on this stuff too much I do start to wallow in regret. I make a conscious decision (sometimes, daily) to be grateful for what has led me to Here and Now, and leave it at that. I look forward.

another way of looking at it - when I used to train people in the radio world, I told new people that they will make every possible mistake. rather than freaking out and worrying about it and getting performance nerves, just know that you'll make every mistake. When you do make the mistake, you say, "Whew! got that one over with! Tick it off the list! I'll never do that one again!" and be thankful for the hilarious story you can now tell your friends. Because all the best stories come from someone (usually ourselves) doing something really dumb.

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

or, as my former director used to always remind us, comedy=tragedy+time.

We're all here just having adventures and collecting great stories to tell our grandkids. so the shit we've slogged through is just gathering material.

try to forgive yourself, and be thankful for who you've become.
 

---

Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
I deal with people coming to the end of their lives.
My role is to alleviate suffering and restore relationship as best I can. That relationship is with people, environment and spiritual beliefs.

The questions I ask are.
1 Do you have unfinished business. Are there things that need to be said, things that need to be done to put you at peace? Do them now whilst you can so that you know it is done. There is peace in that.

2 What do you still want to achieve. What are your goals and how can we make it work for you to achieve them as best able.

The funny thing is, the more I say these (and I say these a lot), the more I am applying them to my own life. I don't know how much time I have. But I have repaired as best I can, past mistakes and decisions. And I look to what I still want to achieve, one bucket item at a time.

And I agree that the bad decisions I have made have shaped me (along with my good decisions) but they inform my future and that can be a positive thing. My focus overall is less on what is irreparable, but rather where to from here.

There are and always will be regrets- but they do not own me.
 

---

Posted by SusanDoris (# 12618) on :
 
Such a page-full of wise and very touching words. Although it's 50 years since I was married to an abuser, Comet, I know exactly what you mean.
Nothing to add, ex cept to say that I had a wise aunt, who used to say that, when people said, I wish I'd done so and so,'she would reply, 'ut you did what you did, which was the best you could at the time'.
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
Upthread, regret has mostly been about 'me' and 'my life'. Nothing wrong with that, but IME there is sometimes an additional complicating factor: when we have damaged other people by our mistakes, sometimes pretty badly (physically and/or psychologically). Such scars cannot be healed this side of the parousia.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qoheleth.:
Upthread, regret has mostly been about 'me' and 'my life'. Nothing wrong with that, but IME there is sometimes an additional complicating factor: when we have damaged other people by our mistakes, sometimes pretty badly (physically and/or psychologically). Such scars cannot be healed this side of the parousia.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Late Paul:

Eventually I hope that I'll be able to look back and see that everything worked out for the best, or at least that I've been able to make up for it in some other way, but for now I'm having difficulty letting go.

---

I stumbled across an entry in one of my daily readers that helped me with this-- the theme was essentially "it is OK for you to do some mourning for the life you wanted to have."

It was a relief to me-- I am 45, and at the time i read this, it hit me that I was experiencing huge grief over the idea of my childbearing years coming to a close-- so much so that it was making it difficult at work. The younger me was terrified at the thought of amount of emotional and physical energy it would take to do the job I do and go home and "do it all over again" at home, but through personal growth I now can understand how enriching it would be-- what an honor it would be-- to have the privilege of seeing someone develop and grow from day 1 of their life. And yes, to walk into the day care at the end of the day and see some little person drop what they are doing and dive across the room to greet me. Biologically, though, that ship has pretty much sailed.

Step one, though, is realizing the regrets are there--which is where it sounds like you are at, Paul. That's the hardest part. Well, not quite, the hardest part is the energy it takes to avoid the feelings in the first place. It took me about five years for me to really address most of the grief I felt over my divorce, and for my part I believe a big reason it took me so long was that I put too much pressure on myself to get past it-- "You are better off, tragedy is opportunity, the best revenge is the life well lived"-- all true, but I went there much too fast. I had to accept the hurt before the hurt could heal.

So, that one little line in "courage to change" helped me a lot-- it's OK to mourn a little over things you regret. For one thing, it relieved me of the feelings that I was somehow a lesser person for feeling regret in the first place(suck it up, Kelly, really STRONG people don't spend time boo-hooing over the past) and second-- grief is the doorway to acceptance. Denial, anger,bargaining, sorrow-- acceptance.

Sometimes it is enough to simply forgive Young You, sometimes you have to let that person go, the same way you would someone who has died. It's hard. One might say it needs to be hard to work.
 

---

Posted by Late Paul (# 37) on :
 
I guess I owe this thread a response. I "regret" having started it and not having gotten back to replying yet

Thanks for all the replies. Some truly helpful and thought-provoking stuff. I'm especially grateful to Thyme and Patdys for the four tasks and two questions respectively. Those look helpful and I will be mulling them over.

On CBT/therapy - I do CBT for my depression/anxiety and find it helpful.

I feel like I want to say that whilst there are many things I regret in some way - not learning a musical instrument, not going inter-railing, not taking this or that career opportunity - there are only a few things that I regret to the point where I struggle to get past them. Those other things make me sigh but I shrug and move on.

There's just a few key things I've done that have really impacted my life badly.

I don't really feel that badly toward the MeThen (least ways not the one from the earliest of these mistakes Me~32) because whilst he made decisions I wish I could take back I think he was a nicer, less screwed-up version of me. It's more like I wish I could take him to one side and say, "Look, things aren't as bad as they seem, hang in there."

I like the idea of my mistakes making me who I am and being grateful for that etc but that sort of assumes that "who I am now" is better than who I was. Maybe that will be the case, I pray it will be, but honestly I don't think it is yet. I do try to be grateful for the day-to-day good things, like Thyme said.

I relate to what Kelly is saying a lot. I think it's easy to accept something intellectually - "well I guess that relationship really is never going to happen then" - but my emotions move at a much slower speed apparently, and in the mean time I have to fight these thoughts of "if I'd only...".

I guess I just have to get through this stage - really hoping it doesn't take too much longer though.
 

---

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I really think that the idea of accepting that me-then was doing the best he could at the time is the way forward. I have made some pretty horrendous decisions in my life and they have had consequences, of course, but I don't, or try not to, call them mistakes, just decisions by me then AND they have helped bring me to NOW - and now is ok.

I have made amends, as much as I can and I am not about to get out the wet spaghetti to whip myself, that won't help at all.
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Grief takes time to work through. And you are grieving for the lack of certain opportunities, your expectations and hopes no longer being possible, so don't feel too guilty for feeling bad about it and give yourself time.

One of my decisions came up and bit me on the bum today which annoyed me. When my daughter was ill in her teens, during the first 6 months when she was too sick to go to school, I gave up the additional tutoring I was doing, the OU course and eventually my job to care for her. With 20:20 hindsight the last thing I would have given up was the OU course (and would have that qualification now, which was what caused the irritation today) but at the time I was just trying to cope and didn't know I'd eventually have to give up work to care for her.

@comet, the problem with bringing up children is that any decision affects them. The alternatives would have caused different problems and knock on effects. My daughter and I joke that my efforts not to repeat the mistakes of my parents have created entirely new ways of f***ing her up. According to Larkin it's what parents are for. Walking out of an abusive relationship when my daughter was just over a year hasn't been easy, single parenthood has different challenges. When she'd moved 11 times by the time she was 11, we stayed put to give her some stability and she hated it, would have loved to move.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
Grief takes time to work through. And you are grieving for the lack of certain opportunities, your expectations and hopes no longer being possible, so don't feel too guilty for feeling bad about it and give yourself time.

---

Exactly. Beating yourself up for feeling regret is still beating yourself up.

The Buddhists talk about observing a feeling as it goes by. Doing this allows you to acknowledge them-- and trust someone who has done too much of it, un- acknowledged feelings are poison-- but at the same time, thinking of it as "going by" gives you the comfort of knowing they will eventually be past you.
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
I struggle with the fact that I inherited some money and a house when my parents died, tried to buy a house and pay it off by selling the old one (and they gave me a mortgage when I didn't have an income), and then the housing market crashed and I lost both houses and ran out of the money and now things are such that the mere down payment I put on the house I bought would have bought a nice house outright. All gone.

Don't get me wrong, I now work at a job I love more than any I've ever had (starting 6th year teaching college this fall!), and we have a nice apartment (partly because our income is so low that we qualify for this kind of housing), and a better array of friends and loved ones than when we were in the house, but every now and then I just feel so stupid and foolish and I kick myself and I think of how I didn't do enough for other people when I had that money and so on and so on and so on.
 

---

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Money is especially vaporous and fugitive.
 

---

Posted by quetzalcoatl (# 16740) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
Grief takes time to work through. And you are grieving for the lack of certain opportunities, your expectations and hopes no longer being possible, so don't feel too guilty for feeling bad about it and give yourself time.

---

Exactly. Beating yourself up for feeling regret is still beating yourself up.

The Buddhists talk about observing a feeling as it goes by. Doing this allows you to acknowledge them-- and trust someone who has done too much of it, un- acknowledged feelings are poison-- but at the same time, thinking of it as "going by" gives you the comfort of knowing they will eventually be past you.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
So saying 'don't feel guilty' is a joke.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:

---

Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
So saying 'don't feel guilty' is a joke.

---

She actually said, " don't feel guilty about having feelings of regret," which is not exactly the same as saying " don't feel guilty." I think the point we we both making was that feelings happen, whether they are 'right' or not, and the first step to getting past them is recognizing that you have them.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
I have seen people constantly revisit slights and insults that occurred fifty years in the past, still harboring bitterness, even years after the perpetrator was dead. No one benefits from it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ariel:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
I have seen people constantly revisit slights and insults that occurred fifty years in the past, still harboring bitterness, even years after the perpetrator was dead. No one benefits from it.

---

Oh, some people do. It's like an angry dog having a bone to chew on. The meat may have gone a while ago, but the bone can still be chewed.

---

© Ship of Fools 2016


UBB.classic^TM 6.5.0