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Originally posted by birdie:
Ooh, I meant to start this thread, but, y'know... events....

Anyway. Currently on the table in the birdie household:

Exhibit a: 8 and a half year old boy, who can be emotionally very volatile (has a lot to deal with, one way and another), and when upset, has a tendency to dig his nails into his arms, try to hit himself and similar. Has been described as a 'very noticing sort of child' by others.

Exhibit b: good friend H who has a history of depression, and very visible self-harm scarring.

Noticing Boy has unsurprisingly noticed scarring, and wants to know how it happened.

My concern is how to talk about it in a way which does not open this up as a possible Thing He Could Do when he's angry or upset. I'm determined to be truthful with him and not try and find a way of explaining it away, but my concern is that if I say something along the lines of 'at times when H has felt very sad or upset, she has hurt herself', he might make the connection with how he feels and the things he does sometimes, and then I'll have to hide all the kitchen knives.

Any bright ideas?

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Hi Birdie. I'm an emotionally very volatile 56 year old who sometimes (well, often ) behaves like your wee one, but I don't self-harm and never have, so I don't think you need to worry

I suspect your lad is just needing a bit of attention when he is upset. We all need that. As I understand it, self cutting is a solitary activity when internal pain becomes too much to bear and the only relief is found in subjecting oneself to physical pain. It is not attention-seeking behaviour.

I would give your son lots of hugs and reassurance when he behaves as you describe. I am sure you do.

I would be honest with him when he asks questions about your friend. Knowing about self cutting isn't going to make him do it.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Someone want to tell me that it's incredibly normal that my very healthy 14 mo child not only wakes up "starving" for a feeding at 3pm, but can't sleep through the rest of the night without occasionally being touched? I suspect I just need to be assured tha this will pass, but ARRRRG! His sister was sleeping through the night by around 5 months old.
 

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Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
2 years before they slept through the night for all three of mine, Gwai. mom says I took two years, also.

sounds totally normal to me. sorry.
 

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Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
Our experience was rather like Comet's. Nobody slept through the night on a regular basis until their two-year-old molars had come in.
 

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Posted by lily pad (# 11456) on :
 
Birdie, it might help to find a physical way to calm down when angry. My mom used to banish my brother to the drum set in the basement for 20 minutes - he was a young teen at the time. He would go down furious and come upstairs sweating, exhausted and calm as could be.

While I am not a mom and the first to say I may know nothing at all, at camp, when kids have been quite angry, we've gone for a silent walk or have run around the outside of the dining hall a few times - depending on the level of upset - and the physical exercise somehow is very helpful in calming down.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Thanks, comet, Leorning Cniht. That really is what I wanted to be told. My mother says we all slept through the night at no more than half his age and asks about it often enough that I feel a little deficient.* That and I hear from enough smug parents whose kids sleep brilliantly that I began to wonder if I wasn't fooling myself that Gremlin was normal. He is certainly more attached to me than the average child his age, but that's because I wore him like 6 hours a day until he was like 6 months old (Then went back to work full time!) So it's good to know that's not why he's getting up.


*She is not passive-aggressive, and almost assuredly does not have any idea that she makes me a bit anxious about it.
 

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Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
My first slept through the night, more or less, from 3 months. The second, who had a reflux, was still getting a 2am feed at age 2.

I think grandparents forget a lot of the minor things. My mother was adamant that we "never had a cold" and couldn't understand why my kids were frequently snotty-nosed. I'm sure she'd just forgotten; why would anyone bother to remember how often their children were sniffly?
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
My kids never slept through the night until they were over two years.

I did want to punch the lights out of mothers who had tiny babies sleeping all night while my toddlers were partying. But that was just my exhaustion wearing me down!
 

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Posted by Polly Plummer (# 13354) on :
 
Our no.1 son had bad colic every evening, but when he eventually quietened down he slept through.

No. 2 was quiet in the evening but woke us up in the small hours every single night till he was two.

And that's why we didn't have any more!
 

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Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
Ahem. A gentle reminder that babies and toddlers and rugrats have their own thread called Sallorets which I found languishing on Page 3. We also have threads for special needs kids - which is here.. As for teens, there was one somewhere, but it might have disappeared in the last thread emetic. Do feel free to start another.
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The teens thread is here.
 

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Posted by Panda (# 2951) on :
 
Any suggestions for dealing with instant anger eruptions in a nearly 9-yr old boy. He is the oldest of 3, very bright and often very loving, but also quite single-minded and competitive. He's much better than he was at not getting angry generally, but twice in two weeks he's hit or shoved hard someone who accidentally hit or knocked into him.

There was no time for counting to 5, or analysing the situation, or thinking through or anything - it was just an instinctive reaction - 'I've been hit, I must hit back.'

No-one hits him, but he does generally run at higher temperature than his brother and sister, getting more annoyed more often than them.

Hard to know how to react, other than making it clear how displeased we were with his behaviour. He knows he shouldn't have, but I really doubt there was any thought process involved at that moment.
 

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Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on :
 
I don't think you can do much more than you're doing Panda.

It may sound a bit OTT but perhaps a wee round table discussion with your boy, yourself and the wronged sibling/friend during which the wronged party can explain how the cause of the incident was accidental and the pain/hurt they felt and both parties can apologise for the accident and the retaliation. This would drive home to your son that his action has caused pain to someone else (i know it was done without thinking but this might have some effect on future thinking beforee action)while at the same time not singling him out. It might drive the lesson home without causing the lad too much shame.

[ 08. August 2013, 16:58: Message edited by: would love to belong ]
 

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Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Possibly exposing him to accidental touch in a safe setting - so it's less startling, e.g. some sort of team sport. In other words, rather than avoiding the situation, exposing him to it regularly so he gets used to it.
 

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Posted by Haydee (# 14734) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
Our experience was rather like Comet's. Nobody slept through the night on a regular basis until their two-year-old molars had come in.

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Friends tell me a dash of whisky in the bed time hot chocolate worked a treat - for the children as well
 

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Posted by Haydee (# 14734) on :
 
Birdie - I had to explain my scars to my older daughter, and did in the context of illness and depression. It helped that the local library had a book for children about having a parent with depression, which reassured her that this was reasonably common and not something she needed to worry about. Perhaps check out the library and see if they have anything useful.
 

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Posted by Pants (# 999) on :
 
Haydee I didn't know such things existed, but it's useful to know they do, thanks.
 

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Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
It'll soon be autumn. The little beggars will be back in school and causing grief to parents.
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
...or, as is the case here with a neighbour's youngster, falling over and breaking limbs!
 

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Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
...or in Little J's case, suffering from migraines again and In Trouble with the head because the repeated absences are ruining the school's OFSTED rating and the head doesn't seem to believe that migraine is a genuine illness

Got new glasses for her a couple of days ago - hopefully these will fix it. No migraines so far...
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Jane R:
...the head doesn't seem to believe that migraine is a genuine illness ...

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What a twallop of a headteacher! He is welcome to experience a few of mine and then say that!
 

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Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
Thanks, Wodders (it's a she, btw).

Actually I'm not sure what the head thinks - some of the things she says seem to suggest she thinks Little J is malingering, but a couple of weeks ago we dragged her to school while she was having a migraine and the head sent her straight home again. I think what she'd really like to do is expel Little J so we aren't messing up her figures any more; I haven't seen any indications so far that she actually cares about Little J's wellbeing.

I should be calling her Middle-sized J really - she's just turned 10 and is in her final year of primary school, which is part of the problem. There are some high-stakes government tests at the end of the year and the school is judged (and possibly condemned) on how well the pupils do in them.

I don't see how it helps anyone to have her in school when she's too ill to concentrate on her work, though.
 

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Posted by Panda (# 2951) on :
 
I had my first migraine in school when I was about 12 - I sat staring into space wondering what the pretty flashing lights were, and then when it hit I couldn't even lift my head off the desk for the pain, much less open my eyes. Deep sympathy to Little/mid J.
 

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Posted by Tree Bee (# 4033) on :
 
Daughter Erin missed a lot of secondary school due to migraines.
I'm convinced it was caused by her not drinking as she didn't want to use the school's loos.
May not apply here, but worth checking on drinking levels.
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Jane, it's not just to do with SATS. IIRC schools are marked down by Ofsted for less than 100% attendance, and can't get an 'Outstanding'. And now it's heading that 'Good' isn't good enough...
 

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Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
Humpf. Should I be writing to my MP to complain, then? Because that's ridiculous. No school is ever going to achieve 100% attendance, even if they aren't hit with a measles epidemic.

It may not do any good of course; the whole idea behind OFSTED inspections seems to be to set schools up for failure. 'Outstanding' means 'We looked as hard as we could but failed to find anything to criticise'.

I was toying with the idea of writing to my MP about Michael Gove anyway.

(thanks for the advice, Tree Bee, but it's not dehydration - she has a water bottle in the classroom and her teachers are reminding her to keep taking sips from it).

[ 15. November 2013, 09:09: Message edited by: Jane R ]
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Gove and his crusades are ridiculous. What OFSTED are being told to do is ridiculous. Every week a new 'priority' comes out, and there's a new way of doing something, or new target group to focus on, etc.

My personal favourite recent OFTSED story (I am married to a teacher,and friends with a whole bunch more) is that after the OFSTED inspector had observed someone's lesson he said sorrowfully "That was outstanding, but unfortunately I can't give you that grade because you didn't promote or evaluate childrens' spiritual, moral, social or cultural development. I can't see how you would do that in this maths lesson, but it's one of the criteria for an outstanding grade..."
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Here is a toast to the "promotion ... of childrens' spiritual, moral, social or cultural development" in 2014 and a prayer for those doing the promoting!


 

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Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
It would appear the delete key has lived up to its name.

Oh well.
Hope your kids are not being put on the naughty list.

[ 18. September 2014, 10:38: Message edited by: Patdys ]
 

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