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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: How did you tell your Christian friends?
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
I had a friend I met in college. We worked in the student cafeteria together. Later we were in a bible study together. We kept in touch for many years, writing letter after letter arguing about theology and politics and culture and art and many, many other topics.
At some point she became an atheist, and wrote me a letter saying how since she was now an atheist and I was a Christian, we no longer had anything in common, and she wasn't going to write me again, and I shouldn't try to contact her.
Is this typical of you atheist deconverts, or is she just an asshole?
[ 10. December 2014, 04:28: Message edited by: mousethief ]
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Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Potoroo
Shipmate
# 13466
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Posted
An asshole, MT. Either that or she was frightened of being dragged back into your world and felt she had to cut all ties for some reason. It doesn't sound like it was personal, to do with you yourself.
I just assumed I would keep in contact with Christian people, as I thought they were my friends still. I had non-Christian friends when I was a Christian, so why shouldn't I have Christian friends when I wasn't?
How did I tell them? Most of them knew I had been struggling with my faith because of my nervous breakdown - I'd already lost a lot of Christian friends through that. I explained to the ones left that I had decided not to follow God anymore. Never heard from them again, except for the 2 that accept me for who I am, and who I am still friends with.
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
It does highlight the issue of how you distinguish friends from acquaintances more generally. People who are friendly with you, but you only see in one context - eg work colleagues, people who attend the same art class - tend to be out of contact once you lose that context.
I find the best indicator is if you ever meet them alone, socially, in a different context than the one in which you were originally acquainted.
By extension, if you do most of your socialising in a group from a specific context - eg choir rehearsal, choir social, choir organising comittee + lunch - you are likely to feel socially bereft if you leave that group.
MT your friend sounds to have been, a, an asshole and b, possibly looking for an excuse not to make the effort to maintain a friendship by correspondence.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
I would love to have kept in touch with other Christians. If all we have in common is our faith, that is a pretty poor level of relationship.
It makes me think that some of those who say they really appreciate the friends they have in church might be shocked if they realised how few of their friends gave a crap about them if they were to leave the church.
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Macrina
Shipmate
# 8807
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Posted
I'm not an athiest deconvert. I am a sort of vaguely deist devert.
Anyway, major assholeness is my opinion. Or perhaps just an allergy to anything Christian after a particularly painful experience with it. I am going through that right now after having tried to bend my poor brain around Roman Catholicism and failing very badly. I'm hoping this phase passes because I think a lot of Christianity when you take away the politics/heirarchy/prosperity gospel rubbish is quite profound.
As for how I told my Christian friends. I recently visited the UK after a year or so living in NZ. I caught up with some old church friends who asked me whether I had found a church there. I told them I was planning to become a Norse Pagan and dance naked in the woods come the solstice. I'm not sure how seriously they took me but we had a lovely meal and catch up.
Posts: 535 | From: Christchurch, New Zealand | Registered: Nov 2004
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Latchkey Kid
Shipmate
# 12444
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Posted
I would tell her that whenever she is ready you would love to hear from her again.
This does seem to mirror some Christian converts who feel the need to break with their old lives,
I don't like viewing lost friends as assholes. It seems like writing them off. Who knows what they are going through. Always be open to reconciliation/healing.
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Posts: 2592 | From: The wizardest little town in Oz | Registered: Mar 2007
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Net Spinster
Shipmate
# 16058
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Posted
Your friend is in the wrong. From what I've read most new atheists are more likely to be dropped by some or even all of their religious friends than vice versa though perception of being harassed may cause that person to be dropped or edged out (such as the facebook acquaintance [from high school] who warned me about attending a talk by an atheist [I didn't drop her, I just set things so she could not see what I was doing]).
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Posts: 1093 | From: San Francisco Bay area | Registered: Dec 2010
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Caissa
Shipmate
# 16710
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Posted
When my friends all start having the same beliefs that I have, I will know it is time to get some new friends.
Posts: 972 | From: Saint John, N.B. | Registered: Oct 2011
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
It makes me think that some of those who say they really appreciate the friends they have in church might be shocked if they realised how few of their friends gave a crap about them if they were to leave the church.
I'm one of those.
Let me count ....
Six people, I think, would still be good friends if I was no longer connected with my Church.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Mark Wuntoo
Shipmate
# 5673
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Posted
With fear and trepidation and with great care.
Almost exclusively it has come about by someone asking something like ‘where do you worship these days?’ and that opens the way for me to gently explain that I do the cleaning on a Sunday morning whilst the house is empty. Sometimes I get a supplementary question but often I receive a strange look.
Do I run away from coming straight out with it? You bet. I am not on a crusade and have no wish to hurt people or even to harm their relationships with each other in the context of their faith / church. I suppose this is a bit hypocritical: perhaps I should do nothing to support their beliefs in a concept with which I disagree so strongly. Perhaps they are right, after all. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Posts: 1950 | From: Somewhere else. | Registered: Mar 2004
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
It makes me think that some of those who say they really appreciate the friends they have in church might be shocked if they realised how few of their friends gave a crap about them if they were to leave the church.
Amen. God, it's like coming out, isn't it? Especially in terms of how people in the church react. ![[Frown]](frown.gif) Again, hugs and sympathy from me.
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Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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TallPoppy
Shipmate
# 16294
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I would hate to lose touch with atheists - many of my friends are atheists. I'd hate to have only fellow Christians as friends.
Good for you.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Papaver exaltatum
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"
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TallPoppy
Shipmate
# 16294
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
I had a friend I met in college. We worked in the student cafeteria together. Later we were in a bible study together. We kept in touch for many years, writing letter after letter arguing about theology and politics and culture and art and many, many other topics.
At some point she became an atheist, and wrote me a letter saying how since she was now an atheist and I was a Christian, we no longer had anything in common, and she wasn't going to write me again, and I shouldn't try to contact her.
Is this typical of you atheist deconverts, or is she just an asshole?
I feel quite uncomfortable about your final sentence. Why would you expect there to be an homogeneous group of "atheist deconverts"? We have all trodden our individual paths. We will all have our own ways of describing how we are now (I am currently resisting all labels, so do not define myself as an atheist).
I am still buddies with my Christian friends. Though perhaps the fact that the majority of my friends were faith-free (I rather like that term) has made life easier for me.
I do have lingering doubts about just one friend from my university days, who has climbed his way up the Catholic hierarchy. I am not mustard keen on the track record of the Catholic Church eg child abuse, so feel a bit uncomfy returning his customary Christmas card this year. We have no other contact, but hubby advises suggests over-riding my reservations and sending a card anyway! Friend is not responsible for the child abuse scandal, after all.
I wouldn't call your friend 'an asshole'. We don't know how traumatic her loss of faith was. Her behaviour was however extremely hurtful to you, and for that, every sympathy. However, she did at least do you the basic courtesy of writing a letter to explain why your friendship was coming to an end. I find it worse when people just silently 'drop' me!
TallPoppy
[Sorting out editing as per request from TallPoppy]
[ 11. December 2014, 08:42: Message edited by: Schroedinger's cat ]
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Papaver exaltatum
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"
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TallPoppy
Shipmate
# 16294
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Posted
Double post, sorry.
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Papaver exaltatum
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"
Posts: 2389 | From: Southern England | Registered: Mar 2011
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Potoroo
Shipmate
# 13466
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by TallPoppy:
I feel quite uncomfortable about your final sentence. Why would you expect there to be an homogeneous group of "atheist deconverts"?
TallPoppy, I suspect MT was winding us up! Don't worry, I am not an "atheist deconvert" either.
And I agree, it feels worse when people silently dump you with no explanation.
Perhaps MT's friend knew him as a persuasive person and didn't want to risk any contact. Or perhaps, as you say, she went through a traumatic time that caused her to become an atheist.
[ 11. December 2014, 08:34: Message edited by: Potoroo ]
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TallPoppy
Shipmate
# 16294
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Posted
Forgive the 'sense of humour failure' folks. Sometimes tone of voice is quite difficult to discern on the interwebz.
I try to be welcoming of all. Among my friends and family, I have some Pagans (and one witch), a very committed Buddhist, the odd rather aggressive atheist or two, many of no faith (but some probably sympathetic to humanism), and some Christians, including an occasional Quaker and a high ranking Catholic priest. An eclectic bunch!
TP
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Papaver exaltatum
"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain"
Posts: 2389 | From: Southern England | Registered: Mar 2011
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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by TallPoppy:
so feel a bit uncomfy returning his customary Christmas card this year. We have no other contact, but hubby advises suggests over-riding my reservations and sending a card anyway! Friend is not responsible for the child abuse scandal, after all.
Perhaps you could send a non-faith-focused card of some sort?
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Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001
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