quote:

---

Originally posted by Eutychus:
Rover photos from Mars hill

---

Hmm... Maybe that's how St. Paul warmed the crowd - showing them powerpoint slides of his pets?

I don't have anything to contribute, since I don't use that browser, but I hope you folks who do keep posting. These are amusing.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
You can actually see RSS feeds without subscribtion. On the BBC News frontpage, click on the 'RSS' button on the left. (See here, or on other BBC pages. )

Looks to me this game is a bit like a 'funny or unusual headlines' one - which I think is a brilliant idea. Thanks, Euty.

So, here goes:

quote:

---

Blair defends UK Katrina response

---

quote:

---

Katrina: Are you a survivor?

---

<tentatively> Erm, no? Why do you ask?

quote:

---

India 'will cut' Kashmir troops

---

Converting to Judaism?

[ETA: fixed typo]

[ 06. September 2005, 02:16: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Owen kept guessing ; the poor footballer never did sort out the right answer, did he?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Refineries return after Katrina

They had been hiding in Mexico all this time.
 

---

Posted by Hazey Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Afghan warlords to face poll ban
They won't even be allowed to do them in The Circus
 

---

Posted by rewboss (# 566) on :
 
This one from about a month ago:

London bomb accused in court

(It turned out -- and I had to read the article to work it out -- that it was about the people who were accused of attempting to set off suicide bombs in London. They had appeared in court.)
 

---

Posted by footdoc (# 4389) on :
 
This is a slight tangent, but whats a thread without a tangent?

Heard on local radio this evening while driving home from w*rk.

Hardened Criminals steal £3000 worth of Viagra.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In the "read three times before faint light of possible comprehension dawns" category today:

Data dangers dog hard drive sales
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
I always like the local paper headlines for that air of mystery, eg

Telly Brian wows ladies - Photo
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Brown calls for oil price effort - Keep it up, folks! You know you can do it!

People's daily lives - Ah, I seeeee.

Download your Ashes wallpaper - Sackcloth available soon!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
People's daily lives - Ah, I seeeee.

---

With similar clarity, and consecutive just now:

Media comment

and

Events as they unfolded

What one might expect from news, I suppose...
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
My favourite headline has to be the Oxford Mail's recent:

"Archbishop backs nuns in pub fight."
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
William to be homeless patron - Poor him! Was it Charles who got jealous?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
There are certain famous, though possible apocryphal, ones that come up again and again, eg:

Judges to act on nude shows

and

Young couples face mounting problems

Humorous writer Fritz Spiegel has a good collection in his book Keep taking the tabloids
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Women hail menstruation ruling

The ladies went to court? Equal sex ruling - for men now, too?

(Link to story here)
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
A couple of rather visual ones today:

Bush and Putin stand firm on Iran

...but Blair's toes are hanging over into Turkmenistan.

Shwarzenegger to run again

Should this be on the "claming healing" thread?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
It now boringly says

Shwarzenegger seeks re-election

D'you think they're reading this thread?
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
just checked BBC and found:

Straw Attacks Iran Nuclear Stance

...which is why I always prefer good old fashioned hay...

Comet
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Just seen on BBC:

quote:

---

Petitioning parliament by mouse

---

Squeak
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Texan troops call as storm nears - Won't this blow the phonelines?

Shoppers 'threat to orang-utans' - Shopping malls in the rain forest?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Texan troops call as storm nears

---

Apologies - just couldn't resist:

If there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call...?
 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by rewboss:
This one from about a month ago:

London bomb accused in court

(It turned out -- and I had to read the article to work it out -- that it was about the people who were accused of attempting to set off suicide bombs in London. They had appeared in court.)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Texan troops call as storm nears

---

Apologies - just couldn't resist:

If there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call...?

---

Does this make them Storm Troopers?

(apologies, it's Friday and has been a looooong old week)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by churchgeek:

Well, now we've got:
Court appearance for bomb suspect

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Eutychus:
Troops lift Russian-Uzbek ties

"Nikita Ibramovitch! Come here and help me shift this case of Tashkent Rowing Blue butterfly knots, comrade!"

"Nyet, comdrade Nikita. This box of Samarquand cravats is quite heavy enough".

---

E.coli outbreak assembly inquiry

"Ok, children, which one of you brought the E. coli with you to school? Come on, own up, or we'll keep you all behind until someone admits it"
 

---

Posted by Henry Troup (# 3722) on :
 
Des Lynam takes on Countdown

Incomprehensible ... only slight more when I discovered that "Countdown" is apparently a TV program, and "Des" is a first name.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
'Breast risk' for the left-handed

Aaaaah, I see. (Do I? Nope.)

Public meeting to discuss attacks

Nice planning these in advance and speaking openly about them.
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Vietnam braces for deadly typhoon

Are they for its teeth or to keep its trousers up?

Jail for toddler death L-driver


 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
IRA "has destroyed all its arms"

does that make them 'armless ?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
'Breast risk' for the left-handed

Aaaaah, I see. (Do I? Nope.)

---

Well, my husband's left-handed, and he's got... no, that would be telling.
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
how about:
Indonesia Bird Flu Toll Increases

boy the bird flu is getting expensive...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Parmalat fraud trial is suspended

Was the trial successful so far? Will we soon get the definite fraud version?
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
this may be a bt bad taste, but
'Suicide bomber' strikes in Kabul
makes me think of a picket line of figures clad in black refusing to go and blow themselves up.

if only.....
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Bush warns of Iraq violence spike

Well, a spike can be quite violent in the wrong hands.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Soham killer to learn jail term

At least he's learning. He might even get a degree of uneasiness, one hopes.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Blair 'powerless over dentists'

Unconscious during dentistry? Get the poor man a new battery!
 

---

Posted by lazystudent (# 5172) on :
 
Axe killing police arrest three

If an axe-wielding police officer came up to me, I'd allow myself to be arrested, too - it's the lesser of two evils!

(This is an actual headline on the news site - eek!)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Fox sets out 'bold' Tory agenda

And who wanted a ban on fox-hunting, eh?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Europe ice mission lost in ocean

Must be the global warming.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Ministers to publish terror plans

Others never do, which is slightly more worrying.
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
China Astronauts blast into space

and if that mission is successful, they'll start using real ones.

Rocky Road for Xbox 360 Launch
Now I appreciate a good tray-bake, but surely such an event will have grander catering than that.
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Cameron pressed over drugs

Is that a recipe?
 

---

Posted by o00o (# 3147) on :
 
Tangent - could someone tell me how to get the BBC RSS feed toolbar on Firefox - I can't work out how to do it!

Ta!
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by oOOo
Tangent - could someone tell me how to get the BBC RSS feed toolbar on Firefox - I can't work out how to do it!

Ta!

---

Look here under Advanced Tips. That's how I've been able to do it.

[Context for top of page]

[ 14. October 2005, 15:30: Message edited by: Ann ]
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Beatles named 'icons of century'

No doubt in due course we'll be told which icons the Fab Four nominated, and which century these icons are from.
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
(Imagining Ringo, drumstick in hand, done up in a little ebony frame and covered with gold leaf...)
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Violent crime shows 6% increase
you know, I thought there were more COPS and "Street Crime" type TV shows nowadays, and this proves it...

Abbas to meet Bush at White House

so the orignal four, and Bjorn Again - how many more ABBAs are there ?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Avian flu found in parrot in UK

Might not someone have drawn it? That would be a Dead Parrot Sketch.

(Sorry - just had to do this. )
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Man jailed for murdering family

was he the fall guy ?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC News front page now:

Scotland - Free eye tests for all in sight

Education - School meals shake-up bears fruit

Classic puns. And still getting the message across. That's the Beeb - love it.
 

---

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
I liked the recent headline on Tiscali news "Guardian journalist believed..."

I was quite tickled at the idea that the Grauniad might be thought so unreliable that it was news if someone believed it.

What they meant, I think, was "Guardian journo believed missing "
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
LATEST: Scheme aims to give all primary school pupils in England chance to learn language.

BBC News. - Learn language? That would help, wouldn't it.
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Cuba accepts US hurricane offer

"Sure, we'll take your hurricanes!"

I saw another GREAT one from work, but now I can't find it. GRRRR

C
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Two men held over riot stabbing

sorry for the double post, found it...

Jones to compose 50 Cent movie


 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
"OAP in City collapse drama"
As this was the local paper, I don't think it meant the place had come down around her ears...

Edited to fix code...

[ 28. October 2005, 13:17: Message edited by: Keren-Happuch ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Cancer patients 'can be fathers'

How surprised was Karen when, after her successful treatment for cancer, she discovered she had become a father. Tragedy struck again when her husband, John, threatened to leave unless she told him who was the baby's mother.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
US holds funeral for rights icon

Press Alt + rights?

Charles and Camilla to meet Bush

Sounds as if they have to.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pope on road to sainthood

It's a long and winding road, but these boots are made for walking.
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Syria mulls UN interview request

Will they be warming it up and adding spices? - well, it's the time of year for it.
 

---

Posted by Hazey Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Wiseman shaken by increased costs
How much is Myrhh these days?!
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Rice makes surprise trip to Iraq

what, they were expecting noodles?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Doctors urged to stay open longer

And don't forget, before you leave, can you please close the doctor?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
And there's more...:

Cash machines 'to charge £250m'

Withdraw £50, get charged £250m.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Day three as it happened

I knew the BBC had a large network of reporters, but I am surprised to learn they were doing coverage even before God got around to creating humankind.

(This surely has to qualify as one of the most self-defeating headlines ever in terms of clarity?)
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Iran MPs back nuclear snub plans

Will these snubs carry nuclear mnissiles?

Or is a nuclear snub some form of caustic insult reserved for Hell?
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Putin reassures Japan on pipeline

visions of Vladimir with his legs astride a big oil pipe goign "don't worry, it's fine...."
 

---

Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
Siemens 'wins China train deal'

Perhaps I could get one for my mantelpiece
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
McConnell asylum plea rejected.

sorry, Jack, you'll just have to stay in Scotland and clear up your own mess....
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
From the "read this a seemingly infinite number of ways before managing to work out what it was actually supposed to mean" department this week:

"Iron Lady" named Liberian leader
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Fugitives Bill "hard to swallow"

well, it would be if it's one big piece of paper, unless you break it into smaller chunks.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
"Obesity stops jabs hitting target", scientists found.

Ok, I'm getting it now - but doesn't it sound fairly obvious...? Maybe they should use longer needles?

[ 29. November 2005, 03:20: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
'Iraq memo leak' accused in court

I've worked it out now, but it took me a while...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
NHS patients tracked by satellite

Big brother? Electronic tagging? - "Ah, he's gone to the pub now, though he shouldn't be drinking! And he should stay in bed anyway!"

The follow-up isn't helping either:

quote:

---

The movement of patients in Coventry and Warwickshire is being tracked to streamline NHS ambulance services.

---

Aha! - The report then says: "The control room can then see exactly where any given vehicle in their fleet is and arrange patient transfer minute by minute."
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In more mangling of transitive verbs

Tsunami service recalls Britons
 

---

Posted by corvette (# 9436) on :
 
Perhaps they were being called home and told not to be so foolish as to be in the area when the disaster struck. If only South East Asia could afford such a useful service.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
'Speed up' drug assessment

Ok, assessing a 'speed up' drug, are you? To combat slow driving? Oh go ahead, then...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Man Utd linked with French pair

[rant][pedant mode]
I suspected this might be about football, and going to the article, found it was indeed, about two prospective players. But surely it should be the pair linked with Man Utd and not the other way round? I know soccer stars' egos are huge, but quand même..., is this what BBC English has come to?
[/rant][/pedant mode]
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
It now reads:

Football: Man U linked to French pair

When is the headline writer reading the Ship going to fess up?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bird ringing reaches record level

Those little pests - first the singing, now the ringing. Stop 'em now, I say!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Japan-China tensions dog talks

Woof, woof.
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
more like a "consecutive RSS" thing but there's
Tories plan to keep student fees
obviously instead of passing the money on to the Universities - perhaps to avoid raising taxes.
this inevitably leads (furter down the RSS list) to
Student financial concerns raised

[ 09. January 2006, 14:47: Message edited by: Papa Smurf ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
First Pope encyclical is on love

This 'encyclical' thing sounds kinda dirty, don't cha think.
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Israel 'has to withdraw further'

Latest attempt at rapprochement with the Holy See?
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Government "blocks" Katrina probe
sounds painful...

Protests mar Straw Cyprus visit
rearrange these words to form any kind of sentence at all!
 

---

Posted by the_giant_cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
Whale spew find may net $1m for family
That poor whale in London again. He must have been sick as that story on the spew was from South Australian regional news by the ABC (=Aussie version of BBC)

the ABC offbeat news RSS feed
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
In Pictures: A Load of Rubbish

Nice to see some humility from the beeb for a change!
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Pope gunman's family begin strike

Benedict's Mafia refuse to work
 

---

Posted by the_giant_cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
Consecutive headlines from the ABC ...

Marijuana show aims for new high in Amsterdam
and
Sex calms nerves before public speaking: study

What do you do if you're getting stressed about speaking at a marijuana show? One of each?
 

---

Posted by Foaming Draught (# 9134) on :
 
more from the ABC (welcome Cheeseburger, go and say hello on the Aussie thread in All Saints):

Michael Jackson shops in Bahrain disguised as woman

Man says 'spell' won him harem
 

---

Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
New powers over death pondered

It's only taken them 2000 years!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
I was just gonna post that too.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Ex-Enron boss upbeat over trial

Whereas some would like to beat him up.

Move to push NHS into community

Seems they haven't been part of the community really. And with those long waiting times, they probably won't get there before Doomsday anyway. - Move! Push!

[ 30. January 2006, 10:51: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Man charged over flat murder

But there was no evidence about the 3D one?
 

---

Posted by andreas1984 (# 9313) on :
 


This thread is hilarious!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bull charges bullfight spectators

It's only fair.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In the "headline can apparently mean two contradictory things at once" category:

Tamil rebels issue peace warning
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Washington 'needs blackberry'

Not sure whether to put this in for random quote marks of the week or something to do with fruit...
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
my american ears hear "row" as in, "row, row, row, your boat..."

Zimbabwe row over loincloths
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Passenger growth boots BA
'cos bigger people pay more ?
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Person Found Dead After Car Linked to Murder Explodes in Gloucestershire

What, the car was found dead first, then the person, and after all that, he exploded? With thanks to Mr Happuch for spotting it!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Muslims in new cartoon protests

[pictures a new comic strip and a story filled with protesting Muslims (hopefully not drawn by a Dane) ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Moi 'knew about' Kenya gold scam

Moi? - Surely not! I swear!
 

---

Posted by the_giant_cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
Here we go with a big triple from the ABC "News in Science" feed:

Animal lovers wish partners were like pets

I hope Steve Irwin hasn't had anything to do with this, because it makes this next headline rather scary:

Sex before public speaking calms nerves

But it seems that it doesn't work quite that way in Norway:

Norwegian doctor admits faking it


The URL of the feed: http://abc.net.au/science/news/xml/abc_news_in_science.xml
 

---

Posted by the_giant_cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
In the "I Wish" category is this little gem:

At last! A bathroom that cleans itself.


 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Teenager hit by radiation blunder

Who was waving it about so carelessly?
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Coastguards hunt for hoax 'idiot'

so they're looking for someone who pretends to be stupid ?
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Spears admits baby driving error

She doesn't know how to drive a baby?
She admits the baby was driving badly?


 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Lib Dems Celebrate Bombshell Win

"Yay ! - We've won a bombshell, shame it's empty"

Volkswagen to cut 20,000 workers

too many sharp edges - sounds like a Health & Saftey issue.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Not a headline, but I couldn't resist this from the story about Ken Fossett's Virgin GlobalFlyer record, currently here (but for how long...?)

quote:

---

Record distance

He landed shortly after 1700 GMT after 76 days and 45 minutes in the cockpit.

---

quote:

---

I’m really glad you came, you know the rules, you know the game
Master of the scene
We’ve done it all before and now we’re back to get some more
You know what I mean

Voulez-vous (ah-ha)

---

quote:

---

According to police, the men in the minibus were of varying nationalities.

---

"hmm, today I think I'll be Swedish. How about you, Fred?"

Whatever happened to BBC English?

[ 14. February 2006, 16:33: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Fresh Pakistan cartoon protests

...

I hate those fresh pakistani cartoons..... and who are they to protest?
 

---

Posted by Choirboy (# 9659) on :
 
My favorite was from the Grand Forks (ND) Herald:

Inventor of Lutefisk T.V. Dinner Indicted

It's a fair cop, and about time too!

[ETA - Sorry; just noticed the title of the thread. Well, at least I hope you find this one funny.]

[ 17. February 2006, 03:26: Message edited by: Choirboy ]
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In the strange mental image category:

Kenyans demand more graft scalps
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Patients hit by oxygen shortage

Just hold your breath, Mrs Jones, the supply will last a bit longer then, all right?


 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Malicious Worm aims to Bite Apple


 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Five in court over kidnapped boy
One of Enid Blyton's lesser known works.

Bully victim's suffering payout
Payouts are suffering too now!
 

---

Posted by Pisquee (# 9520) on :
 

quote:

---

Man in court over shooting of PC

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Keren-Happuch:
Five in court over kidnapped boy
One of Enid Blyton's lesser known works.

---

I am now on the lookout for a corresponding "Seven" title...

[ 21. February 2006, 20:06: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Malnutrition test 'must be norm'


Wow, compared to Norm , quite a lot of people might look underweight.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Police criticised over BBQ Murder

Was it burnt to death, by any chance?
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Hosepipe bans call in South East

I didn't realise Hosepipe, whoever he is, had so much authority. I wonder what "call" is - some type of drug?
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Police quiz two over £50m raid

2 over £50m, so that's what, £0.00000004 ?
hardly seems worth it.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Men found guilty of killing women

Wow! That's a pretty wide-ranging judgement!
 

---

Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 

quote:

---

Kangaroos cut down sloppy Swans

---

Marsupials with aquatic weed mowers?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Philippines marine head removed

Pop!!
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Knife killer is jailed for life

Do I need to comment?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
US 'settles 9/11 detainee's suit'

Ok, a bit of dry-cleaning and we're there!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
This one'd belong in Hell, actually:

Ill health legacy of atomic bomb

Riiiiiiiiight.
 

---

Posted by the_giant_cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
Colombian man gets house arrest for ride-by spanking

You'd hope he got one pretty darn good spank for it to be worth four years of house arrest!
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
This is in the "I understand all these words separately but put them together and " category:

Judge "bias" retrial clears man
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Kenya admits raids on paper

Yes miss, it was a major African nation darting into the stationery cupboard all along.

[ETA Keren-Happuch, I think that one definitely wins an award in its category!]

[ 02. March 2006, 16:52: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Vodafone could sell Japanese arm

And they've got a leg as well...!!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bush praises Pakistan terror role


 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Doctors' job site security fears


 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Blair defends support for Rover

"Look, I said he was a good dog, and I stand by that..."
 

---

Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
MSPs face further beam disruption

Looks like Marvin's been at it again
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
this one is not BBC, from local paper. but I thought you all would enjoy...

Judge studies sharp objects
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Gruesome jail death inquiry call

Errr... what?
 

---

Posted by o00o (# 3147) on :
 
got one!

'Memory Robber' Alzheimer's sign

Someone has stolen a sign for a outpatient clinic by brain power alone??????????
 

---

Posted by The Goldfish (# 5527) on :
 
Police Trailed car in fat
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Dead woman ignored warning.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Consecutive, but not bad:

Tunnel collapse on Moscow metro

Milosevic buried in his home town

I had no idea the network was so extensive.
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Cut MPs to fund parties - Tories

Are they proposing to use blood as a currency?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Eutychus:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Keren-Happuch:
Five in court over kidnapped boy
One of Enid Blyton's lesser known works.

---

I am now on the lookout for a corresponding "Seven" title...

---

Seven 'planned UK terror campaign'...
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Supervised self-harm plan praised

Do they want to check to make sure it's done properly?
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Clue to slow human bird flu jump

Rearrange these words...
 

---

Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
Doubts cast on oily fish benefits

Are these benefits for oily fish only or benefits for all fish which have been spoiled by oil?
Why can't they just get a job?
 

---

Posted by Psyduck (# 2270) on :
 
Great Gumby:

quote:

---

Clue to slow human bird flu jump

Rearrange these words...

---

I know it doesn't by I keep checking this to see if it does actually have all the letters of the alphabet in it. Like "Cwm fjord bank glyphs vext quiz."
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Life for wife who killed husband

Well, I guess that's why she killed him, innit.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Rocket aims for low-cost flights

'RyanEasy to flight control, we're being attacked...!' (I should hope not!)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From BBC Scotland:

Stephen spells out 'new localism'

N-E-W L-O-C-A-L-I-S-M?
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
France hit by mass job protests

 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC used to entice cyber victims

But has now promised not to do it again.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Rice and Straw arrive in Baghdad

Where they meet Pasta and Orange Jooz - and the adventure continues.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Smashed antique vase man arrested

So many possible readings...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Palestinian heads attack aid cut

What a brave man! They really need to cut any attack aid.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pressure on Bush in leak row

He needs to go the bathroom.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
China agrees to car parts talks

"Clutch, meet alternator - I'm sure you have a lot to say to each other".
 

---

Posted by Birdseye (# 5280) on :
 
Water jets clean hose ban offices

BBC resort to stream of consciousness as river of inspiration runs dry.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Queen 'will do her job for life'

Any life, or a specific one? I'll stick with being paid in cash, I think.


Middle-aged 'still enjoying sex'

No particular comment to this one, but is it really news?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Iraqi Shia bloc names PM choice

Makes one think - looked like there was a missing letter: a name bloc(k)er?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From BBC Somerset:

Phoneline to reduce bad behaviour

Baaaaad, baaaaad phoneline! Now stick to what you've promised! (Tabloid headline: 'Phonelines gone bad' )
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Tigers condemn 'genocidal' attack

Meow.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Genetic breast cancer drug hope

Aren't all breasts genetic? (except for the silicone ones...)

[ 01. May 2006, 15:59: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
just one of many in this catagory lately:
Enron's Lay leaves witness stand

it just makes me laugh.

 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Chinese install second bishop

An alternative to Windows?
 

---

Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
A couple from that golden mine of the ABC offbeat feed:

Crocodile steals man's chainsaw

Animal activists' abattoir protest backfires - this one is just funny, with a cruel sense of justice thrown in for the ordinary working class.
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Vatican anger over China Bishops

Noooo!! They have to be real people!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 


* * * * * * *

And a new one here:
Rescue copters private bids plan

Eh?? - Well, at least it ain't 'private bits'...
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Rubbish fire hits rail services

Presumably they'd run much better if they had top-grade fire, instead of this poor quality stuff.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Eurovision battle begins in semis

I have visions of Cliff Richard and Abba throwing various pieces of middle-class suburbian furniture at each other.
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
US Shares Rally After Tricky Week

would our UK friends like some of this Rally? it's yummy...

[eta:
India Beat Windies

it sounds like code for gas.

[ 20. May 2006, 00:31: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by cometchaser:
US Shares Rally After Tricky Week

---

I hadn't seen your post, but rushed here to post the latest version

US shares flat after tricky week

I knew the budget defecit was huge, but are they forced to take in lodgers now?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
'Bin a knife' amnesty under way

High time: Bin a-laden way too long with this.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Famous consecutive BBC RSS etc...

Gay groups to defy Moscow ban

Egyptian judges come out in force
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Tailoring lessons for every pupil

In my day it was called "Needlework".
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Swans miss out on top tier spot

Ducks, on the other hand...

(Link: here)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Ha! Found another one:

Israel jets bomb bases in Lebanon

Why does Israel 'jet' 'bomb bases'? Doesn't sound really helpful. Or do they 'base' in Lebanon? Hm.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bush swears in new CIA director

I just knew they all had a little man in their head telling them to do naughty things!
 

---

Posted by Matrix (# 3452) on :
 
Farmer is mauled by 47 stone pig

That'll teach him to feed it complan

M
 

---

Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
The Reuters Oddly Enough RSS feed reports...

Fans bid for hangbag that made rugby player cry

I knew AFL guys were tougher!
 

---

Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
Not an RSS feed but from the beeb and it did crack me up:

The council has apologised for any resulting confusion and said its erection was unfortunate timing.
 

---

Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
One of my favorites: "Bush promises to win war he previously called unwinnable".
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Lords' Saudi 'torture' ruling due

Actually, misread this as Lordi's... from Eurovision Song Contest - thinking, hey, if you don't like it, don't listen to it.
 

---

Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
From the Reuters 'Oddly Enough' RSS feed comes this little gem:

Bulls get simulated cows at farmers' fair

Well, I guess kiwis need something to keep them entertained when sheep erotica is no longer good enough for them.

[ 14. June 2006, 07:47: Message edited by: the giant cheeseburger ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
For our football fans:

Owen prepared to sit on the bench

Took him many years of intense training - now he can!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In the "macabre discoveries" department:

Brazil finding feet, says Perreira
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Sisters lose second coming cover

Weeeeeeeeeell, what could this be about? Mysterious, as it is, innit! - But please read on:

quote:

---

Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ.

Essex-based Britishinsurance.com confirmed it had provided the £1m policy, but said it was reviewed on Thursday following complaints.

[...] The cover was meant to pay for the cost of bringing up Christ if one of them conceived immaculately.

---

From BBC News


 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Man held over Iraq shrine bomb

A sort of sword of Damocles in reverse...
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Cool light leads to greener chips

"If you turn on the blacklight, dinner looks trippy..."
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Impotency rub-on gel developed


 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Web-perils advise switch to Macs

Seems an odd thing for them to do- you'd think web-perils would want the least secure PCs they could get!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Nice one!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Explosion of joy as France progress

There should be more of those.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Has Rapture arrived then (line below picture).

Are Cafflicks allowed to benefit from the Rapture?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Poles pilot to detect knife crime

Poles? Polish? Pilot?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Sixth Sense actor 'hurt in crash'

Didn't see it coming then.
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
Not online, but the front page headline on today's Times conjures up some odd mental images:

Spiralling allergies to hit 18 million Britons
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Heavy drinkers helped by computer

Devised by breweries, resulting in dramatic increase of efficient intake and thus turnover:

Lift full glass or bottle to your lips, open your mouth, tilt glass towards mouth until empty while swallowing continuously, recommence. Warning: Please adjust angle now. Beeeep.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Wand spots swabs left in patient

So complementary medicine's moved on from homeopathy to sorcery.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
America sends War Materiel to Israel but

There's generous. Nowhere to live but something to eat.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In similar vein:

Mid-East faces uncertain future

This is news?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Sun kills 60,000 a year - WHO

A whodunnit solved: British tabloids aren't good for you.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Biggest ever UK divorce award

And the winner is...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Police patrol abandoned baby park

Eh?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Lightning strike at York station hits signalling

British railways: Even lightning's on strike.


Man under guard after death fall

Isn't that a bit late for being under guard?


Canaries 'facing migrant crisis'

Bugger 'em parrots!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Cricket: Pakistani captain charged

Is he allowed to do that? I thought this was a genteel sport...
 

---

Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Milton Keynes gets High Speed Net

for catching High Speed Fish ?
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Sixth Sense actor 'hurt in crash'

Didn't see it coming then.

---

[tangent]I heard the kid just got busted with a drug problem. which sparked a friend of mine and I to say together, "now we know why he sees dead people..."
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Aer Lingus to float in September - would that be to save on fuel?
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Seagulls hit back at CPRE critics as only seagulls can!

[It's the shortest words that get me!]

[ 30. August 2006, 13:15: Message edited by: Ann ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Stolen Munch paintings found safe

Fair enough, but what's in the safe?
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Blair to Tackle 'Menace' Children

talk about your hands-on leadership.

and
Surprise 'Won't Derail CIA Suit'

which gives me mental pictures of your standard issue black spy-style suit and tie flying down the tracks, despite someone jumping out and yelling "Boo!"
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
not BBC, but Gulf News:

Iran must face consequences: Bush
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mexico deputies stop Fox speech

Animal kingdom!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Canaries migrant surge tops 1,300

That is one whole lot of canaries.

(and happy belated 1st birthday to this thread )

[ 04. September 2006, 11:18: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Women in 30s told 'freeze eggs'

Some may prefer them fried, though.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Women in 30s told 'freeze eggs'

Some may prefer them fried, though.

---

Solve climate 'whatever it costs'

Almost made it to a purg thread. How on earth can we solve the climate?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
top prize for "light" inventor

God was said to be 'suprised and delighted' by the award, though many observers concurred that it was rather overdue.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
UK opening of Gore climate film

Another of those disaster movies? Gore climate sounds pretty off-putting.
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Labour Party security plan stolen
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
La Bamba star on battery charge

Electrifying!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Abe elected as new Japan premier

Lincoln rocks!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
West 'will fail' without Pakistan

I thought it was more a question of whether Aragorn could establish his claim to be the heir of Isildur and whether Frodo succeeded in his quest to destroy the One Ring?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
For visual imagery:

Powder keg in S Africa - Tutu

China threatens shoe retaliation

(sounds like the Shoe Event Horizon will soon be reached...)
 

---

Posted by ORGANMEISTER (# 6621) on :
 
Since we've been kicked over here from Heaven, I share my favorite headline of all time. Way back when when Jerry "Governor Moon Beam" Brown was Governator of Calif. he held a much publicized meeting with Richard Alpert, a former professor at Yale (?) who had become some sort of Hindu mystic and was calling himself Baba Ram Das. It's important to remember that Jerry Brown had attended Jesuit schools and had been in a Seminary for a time. He was, as we used to say, "Far Out". Anyway I believe the famous meeting was announced by the Sacramento newspaper as

Zen Jesuit Meets Hindu Jew.
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ORGANMEISTER:
Zen Jesuit Meets Hindu Jew.

---

God Bless America. This is just too cool.



(PS - Ram Das is still around and making chant albums)
 

---

Posted by ORGANMEISTER (# 6621) on :
 
Cometchaser, so Baba Ram is still around. I would have guessed that he had become a junk bond trader, found Jesus, and was living in the Hamptons. I remember he was vigorously lampooned in the old National Lampoon with a "column" penned by BaBa au Rhum. What's he doing?
 

---

Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
In my various yoga mags I see adds and articles for CDs of chants and music meant to assist in meditation, with his name all over it.

Looks like he's aged well. yoga and vegan diets and meditation, right?
 

---

Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
I just remembered a headline from a while ago, when the British and American cabinet secretaries at the time went to Iraq for a conference:

Straw and Rice Descend on Baghdad

It was a lovely, pastoral image...
 

---

Posted by Yangtze (# 4965) on :
 
My all time favourite was when Hurrican Katrina hit. You know when TV stations run current headlines at the bottom of the picture? Well I was watching one station (I think it was CNN though why I was watching that in the UK I'm not quite sure so it may have been Sky or possibly the Beeb) and the running news update said:

Bush: Biggest Disaster to Hit America

I think someone in the newsroom had a sense of humour.
 

---

Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
From the NineMSN RSS feed:

Radioactive snails worry Spain

In other news, every other nation on the planet is worried about North Korea having nuclear weapons.
 

---

Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
Reuters has just hit me with a gem way too good to pass up:

Canada troops battle 10-ft Afghan marijuana plants

Proof the war on terror and war on drugs are connected, even if the war on Iraq is not.
 

---

Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ORGANMEISTER:
Cometchaser, so Baba Ram is still around. I would have guessed that he had become a junk bond trader, found Jesus, and was living in the Hamptons. I remember he was vigorously lampooned in the old National Lampoon with a "column" penned by BaBa au Rhum. What's he doing?

---

quote:

---

Peru Shining Path head gets life

---

And what about the other bodyparts? - Actually, I think this 'ead should 'ave got a life long ago...

quote:

---

UK cautious about 'ending lives'

---

Well, now that is good news, isn't it.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

quote:

---

The Diet of Worms

---

From a BBC Radio 4 announcement - slightly less spectacular than I thought, really.

quote:

---

But why did Martin Luther risk execution to go to the Diet, what was at stake for the big players of medieval Europe and how did events at the Diet of Worms irrevocably change the history of Europe?

---

Still, an interesting form of diet, I'd say.
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Not from the BBC but

"To make things even more complicated, it is doubtful that Paul Revere warned that "The British are coming" when he would have at the time of the American Revolution thought himself British, although a revolting one."

I had to read that sentence three times before I realized the article was not claiming that Revere was full of self-hate.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Hair barred from internationals
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Man faces speeding lies sentence

Errr... pardon?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
HEEEEELP!!! The truth is out!

Terror 'priority' if Brown is PM

Scotsman more dangerous than OBA! It's the kilt! And all that whisky and haggis!
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
oh that's a good one!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Probe spies landers on Red Planet

No radiation poisoning of ex-Soviet spies, as it appears. Which makes for nice change.
 

---

Posted by The Goldfish (# 5527) on :
 
Patients become NHS bug

I know that the NHS has problems, but I didn't realise the patients were that much of an issue for them
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Polish TV says installation of Archbishop Wielgus may not go ahead

Now, I read this wondering: is this about Polish workers in the UK who refuse to install TV sets in people's homes? Possibly not wanting Britons to watch 'Big Brother'? Or they haven't got the right cables?

Well, seems this Archbishop needs secret wiring anyway.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Belarus 'restarts oil shipments'

Belisarius? Shipmeets? As close as it gets.
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
Documents reveal BBC Dyke drama

Whoooooar!!!!! Lesbian Soap Opera Shocker!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Pig farmer says charges "Hogwash"
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

quote:

---

A two-day strike by thousands of British Airways cabin crew is to go ahead, it has been announced.

Talks aimed at averting the walk-out [sic!] on 30 and 31 January broke down without agreement on Wednesday night.

---

Was on BBC Radio 4 News as well. Well, good luck with that!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Spotted during Radio 4 News, earlier today:

quote:

---

The Queen is going to battle James Bond in London today.

---

Which, as I found out to my dismay, simply refers to the Bafta film awards - though for a moment I had some images of a new, completely sensational scenario there!
 

---

Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
From the Vancouver Province newspaper:

quote:

---

Slain Woman Unhappy

---

Yeah, I bet she is unhappy. I'd be pissed off too, if I were murdered.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Chimpanzees 'hunt using spears'

New role for shorn pop singer.
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Letter bombs accused in court

don't blame the letters, blame the person that sent them !
 

---

Posted by PeaceRose (# 11586) on :
 
Tory probe could save MP

I don't want to know.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
N Korea 'invites UN nuclear head'

To put on top of new intercontinental missile?
 

---

Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
I just saw Church confirms she is pregnant. That's got to be a title that would keep our purgatory board busy forever!
 

---

Posted by davelarge (# 186) on :
 
"Illegal migrants 'allowed to go'"

But only because they had been sitting very nicely with their hands up!
 

---

Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
From today's Globe & Mail:

quote:

---

Blind skier leads Canada

---

OliviaG
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC News headline now:

LATEST: Lord Conrad Black accused of stealing $60m on first day of his US trial for fraud.

Good gracious me, will he never stop? What ever is he gonna nick on the second day?? - I daren't think!
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Berlin rallies behind baby bear

I didn't realise she was in trouble !
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
... and the sequel:

Baby bear becomes media star

Q.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Elvis Elvis lookalike 'bit woman's arm'

quote:

---

An Elvis lookalike got drunk and attacked four people at a convention for Presley fans, a court has heard.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qoheleth.:
... and the sequel:

Baby bear becomes media star

Q.

---

I saw that one too, and it took me a moment to realise it wasn't about me, but a little polar bear.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Wimpey and Woodrow 'eye merger'

Had to check what this mysterious union was about...
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
Not actually a headline but from the BBC website:

quote:

---

WHO agrees HIV circumcision plan
<snip...>
Kevin De Cock, director of HIV/AIDS at the World Health Organization said: .....

---

Is that ok on this thread?
Q.
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qoheleth.:
WHO agrees HIV circumcision plan
<snip...>

---

Whoops


Q.
with apologies for DP

[ 28. March 2007, 18:13: Message edited by: Qoheleth. ]
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
What is it about HIV and headlines?

Breastfeeding alone cuts HIV risk

Well, that's the end of all those mass breastfeeding rallies I guess
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Egyptian born every 23 seconds

What an exhausting business that must be for everyone involved. Nicodemus eat your heart out.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In the "your grammar needs examining" category:

Broadband challenge faces Britain
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Munch art thieves jailed in Oslo

Just for the fun/pun of it: Food art - they must have been very hungry. You'd expect them to nick from a supermarket.
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Detective Agency 'paid to spy'
well, duh !
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Text reveals more ancient secrets

SMS historians
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Turkey party calls for early poll

Poll-try in motion! The early poll catches the worm!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Football legends remember Ball

[ 03. May 2007, 21:22: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Blood workers protest over cuts

Chicken, all of ye!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mars starts using animal products

The magic transformation of a planet, I thought. Alas, it's the choccie bar. They're using leather wrappers now.
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Tight Security in Pakistan city

excuse me, madam, where are you going with those black 20 denier ?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Genes shed light on fish fingers

Enlighten us and tell us why we love 'em!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From BBC News:

Birth surge 'stretches midwives'

Midwives getting taller!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
>>> Come on, you pun busters! There's lots out there! <<<

My latest discovery, again from Auntie Beeb:

Nine held in dangerous dog raids

Fifteen more arrested in quite harmless raids.
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Lebanon's army win camp battle

Coo-ee ! our uniforms are much more co-ordinated than yours, ducky !

[ 21. June 2007, 21:05: Message edited by: Wet Kipper ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bush faces eavesdropping subpoena

Good grief! Does that hurt? Somebody get a doctor, quick!
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Florida man's headache mystery solved by a bullet (from Reuters oddly enough news)

So someone shot him and then he didn't have a headache?
 

---

Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
From the New York Times last week:

DNA Testing Makes Dogs Into Guinea Pigs

Which would tend to confuse the test results, I'd think...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pope aims to normalise China ties

All Cardinals and Bishops must wear them.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
N Korea considers early shutdown

Would the last person to leave the country please turn out the (few) lights?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Baby doctor cleared of misconduct

Who responded by sucking his thumb, having agreed to no longer perform surgery until he'd grown up.
 

---

Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
From BBC News:

Birth surge 'stretches midwives'

Midwives getting taller!

---

I just saw this post.

Birth stretches a lot of other things, too.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
On headline posters for the Evening Standard yesterday:

BROWN GETS TOUGH ON CANNABIS

Funny, everyone else just seems to get mellow on it... But I knew he was on something!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Esmeralda


190,000 weapons 'missing in Iraq'

I'd have thought they've got more than enough already. Can't they share? - Oh, wait...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
T. rex 'would outrun footballer'

Woo-hoo!! - BRING BACK THE DINOSAURS!!
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Detective work recovers a lost constable

Apparently the police are now having to go looking for their own colleagues.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Very good, CH!

And now for some stunning headline news:

Home Depot sells unit at discount
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
E.coli butcher jailed for a year

'He's butchered E.coli! - Now he's in jail! - We say: Serves him right! - More on page 2 of The Daily Gore'
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Leaking Drains 'Caused Outbreak'

first a dribble, then the pressure built up and KABOOM!
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I'm terrible...

Fears Growing for Missing Fossett[/b]

[i]"I came home after work, and all that was left was the basin and the little knobs. But I didn't report it right away. You know, it might have just gone out with some friends, like the toilet plunger or the tub drain. I didn't want to make nothing of it. But it's been days, and I haven't been able to brush my teeth!"
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
%^&^%&*&^*(&*)( code. sorry.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Nice to see you back here, comet

Top "Tayside and Central" story today:

Pupil attack claim enquiry plea

(or: how long a sentence can I make using only nouns?)

Happy belated second birthday to this thread
 

---

Posted by Keren-Happuch (# 9818) on :
 
A batch from the BBC news front page where there seem to be words missing or something!

Pope demands Sundays respect

Eat well cash for mothers-to-be

Afghan bombers "foreigners" - UN


 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Not an RSS feed line, but I was amused when I read in the Guardian Weekly:

French use baguette as stick to beat Sarkozy over prices
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Offer to quit in India gods row

Vishnu will accept demi-divine status in return for a "golden apocalypse" departure payment.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Tackle Zimbabwe - archbishop

and the bish takes an entire country down....

South Africa deny battling Tigers

what tigers? oh those tigers... I wasn't near them at all, you can't prove a thing!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Madonna 'talks peace with Peres'

News at 10 - Peres had vision, converts to Christianity!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Not a headline, but a classic blunder in an article on illegal border crossing attempts in Cherbourg currently in 'most read stories' here:

quote:

---

The mayor of Cherbourg has vowed to ask ministers for help in dealing with immigrants in his town who make daily attempts to smuggle themselves to the UK.

He came scampering up a side street just before midnight. He paused for a moment, glanced left, then right. [etc]

---

quote:

---

Lesbian IVF case divides community

---

quote:

---

Boy, 6, accused of sex abuse

---

and some, were just perfect for this thread!

quote:

---

Pumpkin's mum wrote of affair

---

quote:

---

Our boob-job warriors: ADF defends breast enlargements

---

sub: ample breasted women to protest in front of the capital; record number of male supporters expected to attend
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
My Firefox latest headlines list has:

'Hobbit' wrists 'were primitive'

Obviously they hadn't been using them enough...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Church gives birth to baby girl (BBC News)

Mind-boggling! That's what I call a real community effort! Praise Almiiiiiiighty God!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC unearths new phone in fake

Ha! Gotcha, BBC! - A most mysterious headline due to the omission of a hyphen! Aha!

[Afraid it's been added since... ]
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Blackwater boss grilled over Iraq

Well I guess it's pretty hot there, and heat rises...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
A previously unheard of Enid Blyton story has obviously come to light:

Five held over Paris Monet attack

(shame about the picture though )
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Wildcat strikes plague Royal Mail

One should think they'd be pleased to have fewer attacks on posties for a bit!

(Ok, I'm rather easily amused. )
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Moon jets pinned on 'tiger stripes'

makes no sense, but fun!

and, yes, my mind is really, really in the gutter. because I read this
Blow for defiant Zimbabwe farmers
ALL wrong... some serious perks for farming in Zimbabwe.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Skies to be swept for alien life

Those 'how clean is your house?' women get everywhere...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Boxer Amir Khan jumped a red light and knocked down a pedestrian, a court hears.

Pretty self-explanatory. Jump! Wham! Outch!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Elephants sense 'danger' clothes

When you're a certain size, it's good to know what not to wear.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Bug Hospital Chief Pay Withheld

board makes discovery: he's a bug.
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Man who had sex with bike in court
Couldn't he find a better place?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Toilet conference opens in Delhi

They wanted a larger meeting room but all they could afford was a toilet.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Ill Meat Loaf Scraps European Tour

I hate it when my dinner goes off. Then again, I've always been told meatloaf doesn't travel well.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Flooding "may put lives at risk"

In other news, the sky is blue.
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Uganda Rebel leader "is not dead"
- Well, he will be soon, he's very ill
- "I'm getting better"
- No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
UN chief makes Antarctica visit

Case of Mohammed expecting mountain to come to him, perhaps?
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
US visitors to London remain high

.... must be something in the water.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Concern grows for smallest bear

Paddington, where are you?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Breakthrough in primate cloning

The Archbishop of A, B, C, D, E...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Australians named worst emitters

Cor, Bruce, that was a real stinker!
 

---

Posted by Pre-cambrian (# 2055) on :
 
Howard Acts on Foreign Sex Tours

Conjuring up unwanted images of a former British Cabinet Minister
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
More cash to beat school bullies

Beat the bullies before they beat you. Here, have a load of coins to dump on 'em.
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Cheating slightly - spotted on Cricinfo this morning.

Ntini removes Papps early

The bind moggles....

AG
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Polish President Lech Kaczynski swears in new government.

I'm not surprised he's having a tantrum - he hated to see his twin brother leave.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Spice Girls open Children in Need

Sounds rather gruesome, but I suppose perfoming surgery without a licence might be ok if it's an emergency.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Tutu chides Church for gay stance

Take that hand off your hip and stand up straight at once!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
French 'could have saved Diana'

Language skills always come in handy.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Stricken Antarctic ship evacuated

Happens to the best of us when we're really scared...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
French 'could have saved Diana'

Language skills always come in handy.

---

 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Power vacuum threat for Lebanon

James Dyson finds the Middle East a hard market to penetrate.
 

---

Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Not RSS, but the two 'most emailed' stories at the mo are:

quote:

---

1. Billie Piper to return to Dr Who
2. Tenant demand at 'five year high'

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Petrified:
Not the BBC but MSN's news headlines

"Prime Minister Gordon Brown has come under fire from some of the country's most senior military figures."

clearly there is a need for better training.

---

If they are using standard military hardware (SA80 rifles, 105mm howitzers), he'll be fine.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Rudd takes Australia inside Kyoto

Surely this is taking reorganization a little far? (and how would it fit?)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Climate cause fires ice cream guru

Errm...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
MPs call on BBC to open accounts

With Northern Rock? Revenge for BBC reports on lost data CDs?
 

---

Posted by Archimandrite (# 3997) on :
 
Meteorite dates lunar volcanoes

Two-timing bastard.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Bolivia head set for vote gamble

Now let me get this straight: in Bolivia you have to wear a head set to place bets on the outcome of elections? Or perhaps to vote people off Big Brother?

[ 06. December 2007, 14:37: Message edited by: Esmeralda ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC Scotland: Warning over 'falling population'

Aye, Angus, I told ya to put that grrrit on those rrroads now!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Canoe wife charged with deception

Yes, pretending you are not married to a canoe is a serious business.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Search under way for two canoeists missing on a loch in Argyll and Bute.

Oooch, Angus, don't ye worrry, they'll be overrr therrre, in Panama.

[Apologies. Praying they might be found safe and sound. ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Search under way for two canoeists missing on a loch in Argyll and Bute. [...]

[Apologies. Praying they might be found safe and sound. ]

---

[Note: Aha, they've been found. They went camping (!) on an island (!!) in winter (!!!) without telling anyone (!!!!)... ]
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Not an RSS feed, but the headline on the hoarding outside our local newsagent yesterday was:

Canoe husband starts to remember


Ah yes, the Metropolitan Police have ways of helping you remember....
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Hips extended to all properties (BBC)

Government now granting hip extensions for everyone? Gotta stack them extra pounds somewhere, eh.
 

---

Posted by Swish (# 8566) on :
 
Darwins Spend Christmas in Jail

Looks like those Creationists have finally won a victory.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Take That shut door on Williams

That's a very rude way to treat the Archbishop...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Vatican hails Blair Church switch

I just knew they'd switch him on or off as they like it!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Russia jails troops over Chechnya

Flying prisons - it's the new solution to overcrowding!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Dolly the sheep pioneer knighted

Now they are giving out honours to dumb beasts.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pregnancy targets 'to be missed'

quote:

---

[M]inisters have said rates are at their lowest for 20 years and efforts are being "redoubled" to hit targets.

---

Come on, kids, do it again! More effort! Keep it up!

quote:

---

Ministers are to step up efforts to reduce teenage pregnancy rates after a report found the government was set to miss a target to halve them by 2010.

---

Reduce. Reduce! Ooooooooops!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Japan PM pushes China links

'Ere y'ar ladies, lovely porcelain cufflinks for your husband's birthday, guaranteed made in Japan...'
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Four girls hurt in fire improving

That fire was just not good enough.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Iran 'could restore ties with US'


Aaah, isn't that nice, international cooperation in the refurbishing of antique neckwear...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
1977: Sex Pistols fired by EMI


 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Clinton struggles to hold Obama


 

---

Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Curious juxtaposition on the BBC news front page:
ENTERTAINMENT
Gates joins Dancing on Ice stars

TECHNOLOGY
Gates hails age of digital senses
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bird flu discovered in mute swans

Poor things. Can't even say where it hurts. It's a cruel world.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Removed patient in care struggle

Hospitals function so much better when you remove the patients (cf Yes, Minister empty hospital episode).
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Australians arrive in NZ by kayak

Desperate to leave, by whatever means, as beer supplies had dwindled.

quote:

---

[...] they landed at New Plymouth in the west of New Zealand, greeted by a fleet of Maori canoes and a beer each.

"NZ, thank you, thank you, you guys rock," said Jones, acknowledging the 2,000-strong crowd which gathered at Ngamotu Bech to welcome the pair.

"This is bloody strange, but I am liking this feeling," he added, as he downed the beer.

---

 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Water-boarding 'would be torture'

Another recruit to the 'I hate surfing' alliance.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Arms move as Bush visits Saudis

Who knows whether we'll see some leg action next, or whether his brain will start working?
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Second Alabama child found

officials begin to suspect Alabamans procreate more often than originally thought.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Scientists in hybrid embryos plea
we're happy to help them out, but what are they doing in there in the first place?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Timber ship sinks in rough seas

Go on, you thought wood floated too.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Atonement tops Bafta nominations

Other theological concepts pushed down to second and third places..
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Mourners pay respects to Hillary

And I thought she was making a comeback?

(surely wins an award in the 'maximum confusion' category?)
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Cabinet begins work as Hain goes

He'd been dawdling around cracking jokes and setting up card games for some time.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Gazans make new border wall hole

Unfortunately it will only dispense 250 shekels a day.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
It's about time we had another one of those "Enid Blyton "lost manuscript" stories...

Five found guilty of £53m robbery
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Deep stimulation 'boosts memory'

Ah, now I remember who you are, you're my husband!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
New cable cut compounds net woes

Riiiiiiiight...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Poland "agrees" to host US shield

While the meaning is fairly clear here, I couldn't help finding those quote marks sinister. Sounds like they "agreed" after a lengthy torture session or something (which may be too near to the actual truth...?)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Who'd have thunk:

Storm-hit China calls for 'faith'

quote:

---

Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao has urged people to "have faith" that some of the worst snow storms in 50 years can be overcome, state media says.

---

Send in the missionaries?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Here's the link to above, as it sounds somewhat out of character...
 

---

Posted by caty the southerner (# 11996) on :
 
Tories ponder baby nurses for all. Although they may still decide that full-sized, grown up nurses would do the job better...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
US warning set to hit Pfizer drug

Wording of warning (on Viagra packet): Your investment may go down as well as up...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Famous consecutive headlines on BBC News Most Emailed now:

• Catholic nuns and monks decline
• High heels 'may improve sex life'

 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Turkish MPs voting on headscarves

They must have run out of ballot papers.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
US President George W Bush arrives in tornado-hit Tennessee

What have they done to deserve this?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Acupuncture 'boosts IVF chances'

Or, how a little prick can get you pregnant...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Microsoft agrees Danger purchase

Bill Gates' final coming out - Windows is DANGEROUS! (Hey, we always knew!)
 

---

Posted by caty the southerner (# 11996) on :
 
Future of baths to be considered

I know showers use less water, but won't somebody please think of the runner ducks?!
 

---

Posted by caty the southerner (# 11996) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by caty the southerner:
Future of baths to be considered

I know showers use less water, but won't somebody please think of the runner ducks?!

---

*cough*

rubber ducks


 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
'Cross-dressers' in Nigeria court

I was always suspicious about those wigs judges wear...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Canada sends ex-SS guard to Italy

Anything to stop former PM Berlusconi's comeback!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Rice in Nairobi to push for deal

It wants equal rights with potatoes and pasta.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Some exams 'harder than others'

Rain wetter than sunshine.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Consecutive:

US manufacturing activity shrinks

Stomach expansion 'may be blockable'

I'm sure there's a connection there somewhere...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Bjork makes 'free Tibet' gesture

At least that's what she said it meant.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Germany faces widespread strikes

Go, RAF! Attack 'em when they least expect! Just don't mention the war.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Road sealed off as woman injured

They should have done that before!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Spears hospital 'to punish staff'

I say, I know hospitals can be inefficient, but spearing one is really rather over the top...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Troops 'did not shoot Tibetans'

Tibetans shot themselves.
 

---

Posted by Auntie Doris (# 9433) on :
 
EU farmers to produce more milk

How do you milk a farmer?

Auntie Doris x
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Leakey backing for elephant cull
it would have gone smoothly but for the constant dripping noise.

China premier attacks Dalai Lama
Wen Jibao startles HH the DL with a left uppercut, but the Lama recovers quickly and returns with a surprise tika to the head followed up by a Guyan Mudra to his Ajna Chakra. WHAAAAAAH!
 

---

Posted by Auntie Doris (# 9433) on :
 
Naked Liberians to be sent home

This wouldn't be funny, escept for the fact that I read it as "Naked Librarians to be sent home".

Auntie Doris x
 

---

Posted by Auntie Doris (# 9433) on :
 
Can you tell I have just set up a BBC RSS feed?

The latest offering...

Officer unlawfully killed family

You mean there is a lawful form of killing?

Auntie Doris x
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Auntie Doris:
Can you tell I have just set up a BBC RSS feed?

The latest offering...

Officer unlawfully killed family

You mean there is a lawful form of killing?

Auntie Doris x

---

Yes, most people think so (I don't agree). Apparently they call it war.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Cricket: Hair restored as umpire

As umpire does what? Prays for divine healing of his baldness?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Humph - I just came in here to post that one! It adds to my suspicion that somebody at the BBC is reading this thread...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bluebirds saved from loan crisis

Sub-bird loan crisis.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
And continuing with the Enid Blyton Memorial Awards:

Seven charged in 'E-bay art scam'
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Football: England recall Beckham

Beckham, Beckham, let me see... Oh yes I think I remember him...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Nice one, Esmeralda!

* * * * * * *

Taiwan victor promises China ties

Good they no longer wear Mao shirts, but proper ones then.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Football: Lampard and Rooney fit

As in 'well fit' or as in 'John Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzjohn'?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Boycott Clouds Syrian Arab Summit

Makes a change from dissing every other cricketer on God's Green Earth.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Italy recalls tainted mozzarella

That was a meal I shall never forget.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
US TV and film actors sever ties

Next week they're cutting up dog collars...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Tests after head found on beach

and

Kashmir police refuse body demand

Well, I'd say just put two and two together then.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Semis within grasp says Ferguson

A detached will cost you rather more.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Astronomers 'must make own case'

So hard to get a ready made telescope case these days.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Rise in women doctors 'worrying'

so is it worrying that there are more and more women doctors? or are women doctors becoming more and more of a bunch of fussbudgets as time goes by? or are doctor's afraid of an uprising of women?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Astronomers 'must make own case'

So hard to get a ready made telescope case these days.

---

I came in here to post that one, under the heading "advice for Galileo"...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Vanilla Ice released after arrest

I wonder if it needs throwing away now? You don't know if cops have freezers.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Kenya unveils coalition cabinet

'I declare this lovely piece of furniture open...'
 

---

Posted by Swish (# 8566) on :
 
Japan Fleet misses Whaling Target.

Which suggests a pretty bad aim for anyone, really.


Immelman hails roller-coaster win

And the birth of the brand new sport of golfing on roller-coasters, presumably.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Brown says economy is sole focus

Cod help us then!

[ETA: With thanks to Jahlove. ]

[ 14. April 2008, 19:06: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Aussie police left stranded as handcuffed suspect steals their car

No funny ambiguities or anything, I just think it's a hilarious headline!
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
A regular BBC news item, rather than a feed headline, but it seems to fit best here:

Amazon's massive warehouse opens.....in Swansea Bay..... It is an absolutely text-book example of how to do regional economic development.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Smith pledges more terror police

Police terrorising entire counties now! Who you gonna call? Smithbusters?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Citigroup sees second giant loss

It really is quite an achievement to lose a giant, let alone two.
 

---

Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
To lose one giant may be regarded as a misfortune...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
More pay for wider-ranging heads


 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Rice in Iraq for surprise visit

Normally, they only eat pitta bread.
 

---

Posted by rosamundi (# 2495) on :
 
Darling: I can't rewrite budget.

I originally read that as Darling, I can't rewrite budget.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Nepal warning to torch protesters

Well, torching them seems a bit hard, don't ya think?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Nepal warning to torch protesters

Well, torching them seems a bit hard, don't ya think?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Adults with autism to be audited

announces apt alliterator

---

Ace! Am advocate for adolescent with Asperger's.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Great tits cope well with warming

Wearing only tight t-shirts and bikini tops.

(Sorry. Dirty mind. Ah well... )
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
I have to confess I came in here to post that exact same headline, Wesley
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
It's still the most e-mailed story on the BBC News main page.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Microwaves 'cook ballast aliens'

Which foolishly calls for those aliens to in turn microwave ballast earthlings!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Frigid robot eyes top tech prize

I think if I were aiming for a technology prize, an award of frigid robot eyes would not be my first choice...
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Search for China Quake Survivors

Must I? And search here? I doubt there are any nearby to find.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Clinton: 'Race is not over yet'

Yes, there are still race issues.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Italy pledges to bolster security

No one takes my pillow away and gets away with it...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
FLP meets RSS:

Pants display marks anniversary

They even managed to leave the circumflex off.

(Though I see they have since changed the RSS headline).
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Inspectors push 'stalled' schools

Jump leads are being considered...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
High speed crash head wins appeal

While its feet are up in arms, barely limbing along.
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Not from the BBC, but from AP Entertainment News:

Police arrest 50 Cent employee at rapper's mansion

Who but the police have the power to arrest? (Yes, I know about so-called citizens' arrests, which still require police involvement.)

And anyone who agrees to work for a wage of 50 cents deserves to be arrested, I guess.

Employee of rapper 50 Cent arrested at mansion would have conveyed more meaning in the same number of words.
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Just seen this one on the BBC Sport page:

Onions will not be rushed - Cook

Quite right, too - just sweat them slowly over a low heat, and they should soften nicely without burning.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Ah! Another lost Enid Blyton tale:

Seven rested for England friendly
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Brown 'will stick to' terror plan

Oh no! Now he'll terrorise us too!

[ETA: Brown? Looks like a crappy plan.]

[ 02. June 2008, 20:40: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC blamed for attacks on Poles

It's called global warming, stupid!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Obama begins running-mate search

Must bring own pedometer.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Baby emu could have been omelette

Ooooh, the POWER, the POWER!! Mrwahahaha! Bird-icide all over again! Yet, for once, the attempt was aborted...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Proudly brought to you by the Department of Verb-Noun Confusion:

Five job interview bear traps
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Oy, triple post. Sorry. I just love those headlines. So, here goes:

Dementia burden 'could break NHS'

But they may never know.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Chinese South Africans now black

That sunshine is so fierce...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Murray gets past tricky Santoro turns out to be something to do with tennis; I thought it was about this...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Ecuador puts off Colombian ties

Quite right too, those ties are darn ugly.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Media watchdog OFCOM fines 30 local radion stations £1.1 million pounds over listener
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mugabe 'preparing to be sworn in'

I'd prefer 'preparing to be sworn at'!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Kenya urges AU to suspend Mugabe

From a high tree, preferably.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Warning as France takes EU helm

I'm sure the headline writer didn't mean that. Or did they?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Virgin rapped on broadband speeds

Mary's been uploading hip-hop songs again..
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bill passes after rethink on duty

He did not have sex with that woman coz he wants a strong election for Obama.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
More Enid Blyton:

Five to face Concorde crash trial

... and how they escaped the falling debris
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Grrr. Beat me to it. But that makes you more tasteless than me!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Italy declares Pompeii emergency

Well, better 2000 years late then never, I guess.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Still more Enid Blyton:

Five held over teenager's death

Blame it on Timmy.
 

---

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Nadal to rest after Wimbledon win

whereas everyone else would be off running round the block ?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Nice one, Mr Kipper.

Man admits body in cupboard murder

It remains unclear, however, why he murdered someone who was already dead. - The classic case of a skeleton in the cupboard.

[ 08. July 2008, 16:44: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Georgia row spirals as Rice lands

It's a bummer when the arguments start while people are still throwing the confetti...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Student murders accused in court

practically defies belief (or at least normally acceptable standards of ambiguity for headline-writers...)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Same as here, Euty:

quote:

---

A new form of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) may have been uncovered in a handful of patients in the US.

---

The patients being gnats, one must deduct. Or in the hand of God. Whatever. Yes: just, whatever.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Obama starts tour in Afghanistan

Hope some out there can read. 'b' ain't 's'.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
McCain's 'whiner' adviser quits

McCain Campaign begins aggressive search for new whiner advisor; meanwhile, McCain will settle for soft muttering.

Darling: Public feel 'squeezed'

won't you stop hugging them so tightly, Sweetcheeks?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Woman left brain damaged by detox

a) she inherited it?

b) she abandoned it?

c) there's a hyphen missing?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Canoe couple's assets are frozen

I'm not surprised, sitting in a canoe all that time...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Eutychus:
Woman left brain damaged by detox

a) she inherited it?

b) she abandoned it?

c) there's a hyphen missing?

---

Nice to know her right brain is still functioning...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Primates 'face extinction crisis'

Report on Lambeth?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Sleep action urged after death

Isn't that a bit late?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Now you see it, now you don't... invisibility cloa...

(not sure if that one was deliberate or not)
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Running 'can slow ageing process'

If you're fast enough, age might not catch up with you...
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
French head to begin Syria visit.

Spanish torso due next week, to be followed by Irish limbs in October.

[ooh, 500th post to mark 3rd anniversary of thread ]

[ 03. September 2008, 14:57: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Palin takes battle to Democrats

That Michael Palin gets everywhere...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Blair denies he is to be ousted

Well, I thought he'd gone long ago? - Oh, it's the Met Blair...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Rice talks with Libya's Gaddafi

That's good, perhaps these talks will bring down the price of rice.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mansion fire man's mother's shock

Tonguetwister.
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 

Medic suspended over celery

No! No! Please - not the Vegetable Patch !!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Stroke patients to test sensors

I don't think stroking patients is allowed, is it?
 

---

Posted by philip99a (# 13799) on :
 
I'm new to this thread. Looks fun. Be gentle with me darling.

Weir storms to second Games gold

Er. I'm lost already. The typhoons have affected the drains. I guess they might. But who's the proposer?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Tony Blair begins lecturing role

Nothing new there then.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Aso picked to become new Japan PM

(couldn't resist this one) Ah so!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
China spacecraft returns to Earth

Excuse double post, but it was never a good idea to make a spaceship out of china...
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Tories' apprentice to degree plan

Meanwhile, Labour's journeyman to PhD aspires.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Rich Flanders seeks more autonomy

Doubtless the first thing to do will be to move into a new house, further away from Homer Simpson.
 

---

Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
Delayed mummy money will finally be paid out in Italy

Family allowance or maternity pay?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Virgin to join climate experiment
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Sick leave 'link to early death'

So people who get sick more, die earlier. D'uh!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Indeed! One might also wonder where the sick leave that link. Do they hide it in a cupboard, with some of the skeletons? And could it be found and made inoffensive? Eerie!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Russian withdrawal 'not complete'

Oh dear. I see on the horizon a little doll inside another little doll...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Grammars pressed over poor pupils

Who threaten to make their own, less elaborate rules. Pupils tend to. Nothing new there.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Curiosity finds untouched 1960s shop

I always thought shipmate Curiosity lived up to the name, and am thus not surprised.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Not the headline but the short lead para.

A school head teacher has denied 19 charges of sexual touching during a brief appearance at Swansea Crown Court.

A singularly inappropriate place, I would have thought.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Kebabs made as corpse lay nearby

Police intervened just in time before it was cut up and used for kebabs.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bottom slap teacher must retrain

He wasn't aiming right.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Not exactly in the spirit of the thing, but too good to miss...

Legal case against God dismissed
 

---

Posted by philip99a (# 13799) on :
 
Spanish airline suspends flights


Maybe it's a way to save fuel. But what is there to suspend them from?

[ 17. October 2008, 14:33: Message edited by: philip99a ]
 

---

Posted by philip99a (# 13799) on :
 
Family tied up in house robbery


Surely they've got a bit of spare time on Thursday afternoon?
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
no double meaning, just directly funny. from today's Anchorage Daily News:

Spork assault nets man prison

beware the sporks!
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Boys trail girls from five

I always knew they were unbridled beasts.....

(later editions changed 'trail' to 'lag' - although I'm not sure it makes it any better: reception teachers had better keep the duct tape under lock and key!)
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Talks over opera at city theatre


"If one hears bad music, it is one's duty to drown it in conversation." ~ Oscar Wilde
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Zeppelin to go back on the road

Airship inventors renounce airworthiness, resort to conservative methods of transport
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Smith attacked over 42-day speech

Surprising that anyone had the energy after listening that long.

[ 28. October 2008, 19:23: Message edited by: Jahlove ]
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Zambian candidate claims rigging

Kenyan candidate claims bowsprit
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
On the BBC Radio 4 website, you can currently 'Listen Again' (!) to

Armistice Day Silence

The sound of silence!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Student places freeze 'anxiety'

I'm glad they can now stop anxiety by freezing it, albeit at the expense of our aspiring youth.
 

---

Posted by Von Bingen (# 13902) on :
 
Not quite a headline or RSS feed, but on the BBC news rolling banner yesterday we had:

"WW1 veterans laid reefs at Cenotaph"

Ouch!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Songbirds 'sing from hymn sheet'

Everyone else looks at the OHP screen.
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Not the BBC, but rather AP -- or more precisely, how a local radio station was able to mangle the AP feed this morning:

"The number of newly laid-off individuals seeking unemployment benefits has jumped to a level not seen since 2001, just after the September 11 terrorist attacks, in October."
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Another classic:

France holds 'Eta military head'

While Spain holds 'Eta pacific arm'.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
From the Ekklesia think tank bulletin:

Half of all full-time C of E clergy may be women in ten years time

That's an awful lot of sex changes, even over ten years!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
And furthermore:

Prostitute users face clampdown

Surely this is a rather extreme form of S & M?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Another classic:

France holds 'Eta military head'

While Spain holds 'Eta pacific arm'.

---

Would make a film title:
"Bring Me The Head of ETA's Military Wing".

(ISIHAC fans will understand)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Ancient Mariner (# 4) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Esmeralda:
From the Ekklesia think tank bulletin:

Half of all full-time C of E clergy may be women in ten years time

That's an awful lot of sex changes, even over ten years!

---

 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I aim to please...
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 

Darling 'cannot avoid tax rises'


so - sorry, Sweetheart, but the ski-ing holiday's off this year.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Sea eagles could be reintroduced

Ms Sea Eagle, this is Mr Sea Eagle - I think you've met before...
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
Airline seats slashed by 236,000

Sorry, girls. There's an awful lot of mending to do tonight....
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
EU condemned on tuna 'mockery'

It really is unkind to poke fun at tuna.
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Beatles iTunes deal is stalled

Baby, You Can't Drive My Car
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Supermarkets 'to halve bags used'

Won't your shopping just fall out then?? Not sure this has been thought through properly!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Latin America tops murder tables

I neither knew that the humble spinning top was so lethally inclined, nor that tables could be such hapless victims.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Georgian row over origins of war

I think they'll find it started somewhere in Genesis.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Mother misses 11th truant hearing

C'mon, you're surprised aren't you.
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Clue to break-up of ice shelves

Smash chives else poles warm
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
More elderly 'could die of cold'

If only they put some effort into it.
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Jury hears Boy George police tape

Is he saying his arrest was a Sting?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
A vintage one from WWI that I was reminded of today:

8th Army push bottles up Germans.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Education reforms set in train

An education train set? Sounds fun!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Women over 55 'invisible on TV'

Have you tried adapting the settings? Or RTFM?
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Women over 55 'invisible on TV'

Have you tried adapting the settings? Or RTFM?

---

Might want to move them too. Invisible or not they'll break that TV!
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Festive bus strike gets under way

Omnes:
"We wish you a merry bus strike
We wish you a merry bus strike
We wish you a merry bus strike
And a long cold walk home".

(from Aberdeen)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Irish Republic recalls all pork

Aye, Seamus, that black pud was a real feast, wasn't it - and that boiled beacon... delicious! - Yes, yes, I remember it well...!

[ 07. December 2008, 15:38: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pregnant women 'can eat peanuts'

Yes, they can! I've seen some do just that!
 

---

Posted by Enigma (# 11663) on :
 
From the "No-shit Sherlock files:"

Keeping weight off key to obesity fight
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Aborigines win battle over mine

'It's mine, I tell you!' 'No no, it's mine!'
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Thiamine 'reverses kidney damage' and Thousands join pro-Thaksin rally

More news from Thai government struggle, with Thiamine obviously attempting to cut binge-drinking.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Ukraine warns EU of gas 'problem'

I've heard that about you folks over there. I blame all the chocolate.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
BBC's education section:

School tables must be rushed out

Chaos in the playground no doubt.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Iceland buys 51 Woolworths stores

Expect the high streets to be inundated with the smell of freshly caught herring (but I thought their banks were all bust...?)
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Snag hits Russia-Ukraine gas deal

Man bites dog.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Tories 'would wipe slate clean'

Especially as they haven't got round to using computers yet.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Church gives birth to baby boy

Hope it wasn't a Caesarean: they would have had to take the roof off.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Prince's apology genuine, says PM

Apologising for lascivious behaviour on stage, while performing 'Kiss'? And good to know that the PM's interested in arts - who'd have thunk.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Not strictly on topic here, but I thought the following line from this article, in its combination of BBC gravitas and farce, was just too priceless not to be consigned to posterity:

quote:

---

Czech Deputy Prime Minister Alexandr Vondra apologised directly to Bulgaria, which has formally complained over its depiction as a toilet in the art work.

---

I'd love to hear Brian Perkins read that.
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Police crack China baby sale gang

Clumsy oafs - it's china, they should have known it was fragile!

AG
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Bush backs record in final speech

And when he heard it backwards, it played 'Satan rules'.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Also from America, and rather a press cutting than a headline (as in BBC Radio 4's 'Newsquiz') - but I hope this may be permitted:

Capt Sullenberger looked up and in an instant his windscreen was filled with big, dark-brown birds.

"His instinct was to duck," said NTSB board member Kitty Higgins, [...]."
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mother guilty over smoking boy, 3

I don't think that smoking a boy (or a girl, for that matter) is very good for you. And surely he will complain?

[ 22. January 2009, 17:17: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Washington Is Confident It Can Forge Recovery Plan From the NYT

I would have thought that Washington was one of the places in America to write a real plan for recovery instead of having to forge it!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Alcohol-related deaths 'falling'

They drink, they stumble and fall and are no more.
 

---

Posted by rabcpresbyterian (# 12060) on :
 
Not BBC RSS but from the (Glasgow) Herald :-

Scottish output tumble deeper

That's just four random words. What on earth does this mean ?
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Mammoth-killing comet questioned

She'd have got away with it without those pesky DNA residues
 

---

Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jahlove:
Mammoth-killing comet questioned

She'd have got away with it without those pesky DNA residues

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by rabcpresbyterian:
Not BBC RSS but from the (Glasgow) Herald :-

Scottish output tumble deeper

That's just four random words. What on earth does this mean ?

---

If you were Rab C Nesbitt instead, you would be able to tell us.
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Tigers say civilians will remain

Big Cats take the Pledge
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Warning over new form of C.diff

Read that as 'Cardiff'...
 

---

Posted by philip99a (# 13799) on :
 
Nine hurt as roof ripped from bus

Well if you go round ripping the tops off buses, you must expect the odd cut finger. Wear proper safety gear next time.
 

---

Posted by philip99a (# 13799) on :
 
Not a BBC RSS headline but one from today's D Telegraph website:

'My wedding dress slipped right off'

Er.... isn't that what it was supposed to do?


(In fact turned out to be an article about the writer's anorexia)
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jahlove:
Mammoth-killing comet questioned

She'd have got away with it without those pesky DNA residues

---

rawr.

check out my fullass freezer!
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Warning over new form of C.diff

Read that as 'Cardiff'...

---

It is. They have removed the 'ar' to discourage pirates.
 

---

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
They don't need to - they already have the 'other' Captain Jack there ...
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
M&S fined £20,000 over lost toe

This isn't just foot ...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
FA wants answers over missed goal

"Why did you miss? You were standing less than a foot away! You are a disgrace for our sport! Go away!"
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Police accused over race equality

Hm...? By BNP?
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Son talks of father mystery


John 10:30 - Read All About It!
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Jaguar seals 'significant' order

Elephant seals practically laymen by comparison.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mars had 'recent' running water

Didn't pay the bills. Got it turned off.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Japanese stocks skirt 26-year low

He's hoping for a renewed interest in very low hemlines.
 

---

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
UK needs right touch - Mandelson

I'm sure it does, but I bet it won't get it from Mandy.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Swiss 'gigolo' admits blackmail

Only way for alpine men to find love?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
People with quick reactions likely to live longer

And the Pope's a Catholic.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mandelson says car help too slow

The AA not good enough for 'Lord' Mandy?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Germany gunman 'had depression'

Well, that problem's been solved now, thank God...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Germany gunman 'had depression'

Well, that problem's been solved now, thank God...

---

And once again people are given the impression that all people with mental illness are axe-wielding maniacs...
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Famous consecutive BBC headlines:

What next for Pakistan?
Sex change
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
No talks on Falklands, says Brown

The Silent Island.

[ 29. March 2009, 07:15: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Button seals dream Australia win


Victory all zipped up.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Deaf call for better phone access

Sorry? What was that?

Stem cell 'deafness cure' closer

Ah! Deaf cell phones! - I said, deaf cell phones!'
 

---

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Knightley in violent charity ad

"Give from the heart or we'll cut it out!"
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Foreign detainees 'have US right'

I was wondering where the US right had gone now Obama's in power... Turns out the foreign detainees had it all along.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Obama seeks stronger Turkish ties

And more stylish Italian shirts.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Spray for 'six times longer' sex

Sorry ladies, it's about duration.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
US navy bears down on pirate boat

I think it's very wise of them to use bears - that'll make the pirates freak out!
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
US navy bears down on pirate boat

I think it's very wise of them to use bears - that'll make the pirates freak out!

---

I'd have thought seals would be more use than bears.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Russia 'will buy Israeli drones'

So that's where all the bees are disappearing to!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Thieving dwarves cause supernovae

That Gimli, I never trusted him...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Obama invites Middle East heads (BBC News)

Saudi woman beheaded for fatally shooting husband (AP News)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bra boss withdraws Labour support

Nice one from BBC News!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Facebook users say yes to changes

Nothing funny about the headline, I just can't believe it! It's never happened before...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Winehouse collapses in St Lucia

Another construction failure. Tropical hurricane?
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 

Pupils ill after bulb put in soup

All they wanted was a light snack
 

---

Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jahlove:

Pupils ill after bulb put in soup

All they wanted was a light snack

---

Now that wasn't very bright, was it?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Rodgers confirms split with Queen

Another John Brown? We need to know! And what will Philip say to all this?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Head 'intimately examined pupil'

It's advisable to regularly check your eyes. You might use your hands though, too.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg - Speaker 'dragging his feet on transparency'

Mightily messing up the House's OHP.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Wiping data 'hits flu prediction'

Wiping nose too.
 

---

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Tumour make-up 'fuels depression'

I told Max Factor that selling make-up for tumours was a bad business decision...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Airbus advice to pilots on speed

"Don't fly when on drugs."
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Floating wind turbine launched

At last, they've harnessed my husband's farts!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Paedophile 'slipped under radar'

Careless perverted dwarf cyclist?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Lady Thatcher 'in good spirits'

What? They've pickled her?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Peru moves to ease Amazon crisis

They've moved Peru? Where is it now?
 

---

Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Call for swift 'party drug' ban


in the meantime, don't swallow
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Legless frogs mystery solved

French cuisine.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Turkey to 'never give up' EU bid

So they've been rickrolled, too! - "Never gonna give it up / never gonna let it down"
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Ok, it's silly season apparently, so here we go again:

Iran 'frees five' from UK embassy

From: Blyton, E., Five on a Secret Mission (to find the Fission)
 

---

Posted by Lord Jestocost (# 12909) on :
 
Teen pregnancy project ditched

Apparently they don't need any help.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Which goes nicely with:

Scientists claim sperm 'first'

Premature ejaculation?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Google to launch operating system

It's the new NHS strategy for expensive surgery...
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Haddock in court over 1997 murder.

Will A.P. Herbert's hero conduct his own defence this time? I think not.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
EU to train Somali piracy force

We care about the quality of our pirates!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Giant pudding starts town regatta

And Blancmange starts Wimbledon.
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
'Ransom demand' for missing ship - Tough love and the Floating Fund
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Turnaround 'will not be simple'

Before you can do that you have to put your left foot in, your left foot out....
 

---

Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
China admits death row organ use

It was an atrocious postlude! Only vaguely resembled the Widor Toccata. So many wrong notes, the condemned will be glad to die. And those screaming mixtures....
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Students warned on flat ad scams

Beware: They're only good if they're 3D!
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Maths 'no better than in 1970s'

Yup - it was hell then, it's still hell now.
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
Inquiry call over Sunday services

8 o'clock once a month won't do, rage villagers.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
We'll have to cut costs - Darling

Start of a thousand marital conversations...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Obama gives back-to-school speech

It's great that he's going back to school. Can think of some that need education more than him though.
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Yeah, like the parents who refused to allow their kids to hear the speech.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Yeah, like the parents who refused to allow their kids to hear the speech.

---

I'm sure some parents did complain but this looks more like censorship by school boards than by parents.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Boyle is 'edging closer' to Porno

Poor Susan - from one extreme to the other, eh?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Mandelson calls for Rover apology

'Bad dog - you know you're not supposed to bite me!'
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Military cross for bayonet charge

I bet the recipient of that charge is even more cross.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Obama to give maiden UN address

Couldn't she have looked it up on the web?
 

---

Posted by andythehat (# 10399) on :
 
Cancer pilot targets football fans

Err, where to start....
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Deadly tsunami strikes in Pacific

Google invites users to join Wave
 

---

Posted by andythehat (# 10399) on :
 
Man jailed for killing new father
Guess he preferred his old one then.

Goldsmith backs action against BAE
Err, sounds like a Zionist plot against as Arab country to me...
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Cameron makes deficit a priority.

Like all Prime Ministers, I'm sure he'll run UK plc at a deficit.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
<Near-pedant alert>

Two-thirds of chicken 'has bug'

Good, I'll have the leg and wing that don't.
</near-pedant alert>
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Not a headline proper, but from the BBC:

quote:

---

A spider appeared on Pope Benedict's robes as he addressed politicians and diplomats in Prague on Saturday, disappearing and appearing again.

---

Pope imitates Cheshire cat.
 

---

Posted by Angloid (# 159) on :
 
From today's Liverpool Daily Post headlines:
<Lorry driver was inside man in elaborate £1m fake hijack>

And they thought he was just obese.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
First new Michael Jackson song to be released since his death is given airing

Is this guy never gonna stop?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
On BBC Europe:

Hague fixes Karadzic trial date

Can we expect Duncan-Smith or Howard to do something useful now?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In the "how many ways can one construe this" category

Two face body parts murder trial

For the 666th post to this thread
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Sudan offered Obama "incentives".

This one turns out to mean precisely the reverse of what it says on first reading
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Norwegian named Monopoly champion

Yes, but champion of what?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Alert as six faint on board plane

One can see why Blyton's 'Famous Six' series failed to catch on.
 

---

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
Not strictly BBC, but....

The Latest Statistics On Fly-Tipping Produced By The Welsh Assembly Government

And these boyos should be setting an example to the rest of us
 

---

Posted by lowlands_boy (# 12497) on :
 
New warning on 'perfect vaginas'
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by lowlands_boy:
New warning on 'perfect vaginas'

---

Strange: I hadn't heard of any old warning on 'perfect vaginas', nor recommendation, new or old, in favour of 'imperfect' ones.

Nor about any male dangly bits, come to think of it! We need to know! The article just says 'male genitalia protrude far further without causing major discomfort'. Discomfort, or not, to whom, please?

And I'm even in doubt as to the definition of vagina, strictly speaking, being correctly used there.

So: some rather confusing BBC headline and article there!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
I swear the BBC headlines are getting even less comprehensible:

Gates blocks abuse photos release


 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Husband held in severed hand case

No holding hands, please, neither inside nor outside that case.
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Husband held in severed hand case

No holding hands, please, neither inside nor outside that case.

---

My joy would be complete, dear,
If you were only here,
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Secret talks to crack the Nutt case

Some sub-editors try too hard.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Excellent, both!

* * * * * * *

Famous consecutive BBC News 'Most Popular Stories' now:

From boxing ring to synagogue

Rabbi 'offered cocaine for sex'

Poor women 'bear climate burden'


 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
If I had a euro for every failure of the BBC to use the passive voice... (let alone the rest of the syntax)

Charges to drop against Iraq deaths Blackwater guard
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Price says 'sorry' for behaviour

Priceless!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the Torygraph:

Poor teachers linked to GCSE grades slump

Better pay might help?
 

---

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :
 
This, from the Telegraph, is brilliant; read it and hurt yourself laughing: Flatulent pig sparks gas leak scare
 

---

Posted by andythehat (# 10399) on :
 
On the BBC RSS feed at the moment, wonder if this...

Australia emissions plan in chaos

...is related to the previous post...!
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Afghans must meet targets - Brown - and we will send round the Ofsted Inspectors!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Police murder suspect in Seattle "aided by friends"


 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mass cannibalism clues uncovered

It's called transubstantiation, silly!

[ 06. December 2009, 13:57: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Hamster toy safe, company insists

Richard Hammond's cars not manipulated, manufacturers claim.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Tiger attacks on humans increase

When golfers fight back
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Warning over heavy snow forecast

I had no idea those heavy snow forecasts could be so dangerous.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pope gives address after assault

1, St Peter's Square, Vatican City? But whom did he assault and why? And was he nicked by the Swiss guards with their minaret-like halberts?

[ 25. December 2009, 15:22: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
"Star Trek" actor Patrick Stewart honoured by Queen

"We will / we will / rock you!"
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Antartica plane remains found

Good. So they've managed not to lose it again.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Dental School 'may not fill gap'

(BBC Scotland, Tuesday 19 January)
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Not a BBC headline but a sign in the window of a local mattress shop: "Sleep free for one year."

If I went that long without sleep I'd need something else besides a new mattress.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Germany airport hunt continues

I'm sure there was one around Tempelhof at some point...
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Migrant Poles return claim denied

No relief then - global warming continues.
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Tribune not BBC but:Obese French flyers urged to plump for 2nd seat

So, fat French people should try to get fatter so that they can be allowed two seats?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Muslims attack government silence


 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Plan to halve smokers in 10 years

Which half will they be allowed to keep? And what are they gonna do with the other half?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
US to resume shortly Haiti medical evacuation flights

BBC in Yodaspeak fluent now is.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Israel disciplines top officers on white phosphorus

They're topping officers now? And do they use the disciplines to do it, or the white phosphorus?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Shackleton's whisky recovered from South Pole ice

Nothing odd or ambiguous about this headline, I just wanted to say 'On the rocks?'!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mobility scooter river fall death

BBC News headline verb usage lack
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Residents to grill council leader

BBQ season's early this year
 

---

Posted by rajm (# 5434) on :
 
Bit late now - the Winter Olympics are over:

Canada looks to cement medal lead

I think lead comes after bronze and before cement?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Four in court over expense claims

The Enid Blyton saga updated and continued.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Mobile application sales explode

Let's hope nobody gets hurt!
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Man assaulted officer with penis

That would be a male officer then.

Osborne calls for 'fire in belly'

Shadow chancellor discloses Tory welfare plans

[edited to add send line]

[ 17. March 2010, 12:36: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Not an RSS feed, but general news:

A ransom of £110,000 was paid to free the five-year-old from Oldham.

My god, is Oldham really that bad?
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
In similar vein a classic from the Oxford Mail website - no doubt someone has their eyes on a pullet surprise:

Square shape set to change

AG
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Not an RSS feed, but general news:

A ransom of £110,000 was paid to free the five-year-old from Oldham.

My god, is Oldham really that bad?

---

 

---

Posted by marsupial. (# 12458) on :
 
Somewhat startling headline in today's Globe and Mail:

Anglicans accept Pope's invitation to join Catholic church

(referring, it turns out, to the 2000-member-strong "Anglican Catholic Church of Canada")
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Pirates gather for world record bid

And the Digital Rights Management people will be after them.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From BBC News Yorkshire, and with a little bend(y-bus):

quote:

---

The decision means commuters in Leeds could be travelling into the city centre on a network of electrically-powered buses within six years.

---

Wouldn't it be considerably quicker if people simply walked there? Those buses seem awfully slow! Is it due to the wrong kind of pollen on the overhead lines?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Since Wesley has bent the rules, I can bend them too for once:

If Israel is implicated in the murder of Mr al-Mabhouh, it won't be the first time.
 

---

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Neither BBC, nor a headline, but just look at the journalist's name...

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece

AG
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pupil voice 'being manipulated'

Teachers use new electronic gadgets to humilate recalcitrant kids.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Ok, this one fooled me:

Jordan fooled by 1 April 'aliens'

I quite naturally thought this was about Jordan-the-glamour-model. Wouldn't have been a surprise really.
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Not the BBC, but the Associated Press:

3 charged in Mass. bullying to skip arraignment

Skipping the greeting of pewmates at the beginning of mass I can see, or skipping the holding of hands during the Lord's Prayer -- but skipping the arraignment? Unthinkable!
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Just in:

BREAKING NEWS: The Duchess of Cornwall has broken her left leg while hillwalking in Scotland

Quite.
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Ice mission turns on instrument

So the mission makes the instrument hot? Or the mission depends on the successful operation of the instrument? Or the mission has finally switched the damned thing on?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by mousethief:
Ice mission turns on instrument

So the mission makes the instrument hot? Or the mission depends on the successful operation of the instrument? Or the mission has finally switched the damned thing on?

---

Maybe the ice mission has heard too much of the instrument and attacked it. I have felt like that about bagpipes and banjos.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
'Neglect' boy council criticised

Only elect grown-ups then.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
From the "No Shit Sherlock" files.

Sun activity link to cold winters
 

---

Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Firm fined over recycling death

For when you feel like death warmed over.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Stranger murderer jailed for life

While less strange murderer gets 5 years.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Boycott threatens Sats test chaos

Not by hard hitting or fast scoring though.

(note: cricket reference to one Geoffrey Boycott was a famously resolute batsman)
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Nolan sister gets breast cancer

'Gets'? As in, 'It's a gift, here you go!'
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
Nolan sister gets breast cancer

'Gets'? As in, 'It's a gift, here you go!'

---

No, it means she's just understood the point of it. Seriously, wishing her well...
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Prostitute users face clampdown

- but some of them will like it.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Greece fears batter markets again

Have you seen a batter market? They are terrifying! All that material for pancakes, Yorkshire pudding and Toad in the Hole
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bullock adopts child and divorces

It's a bovine life.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Lorry Fires Dirsupts M1 traffic

Surely that should be "Lorry fires dirsupt M1 traffic"?

(Seriously, what are they on? Screenshot here in case they change it).

[ 01. May 2010, 20:54: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
New York police defuse 'car bomb'

It turns out to be an alarm clock lying on a bag of hot dogs.

(Interestingly-written story. The first couple of paragraphs are written to make it sound like the reporter doesn't believe it really happened -- the police say this, and claim that. Or that evidence will be presented in later paragraphs that it didn't really happen. But then it never does, and later paragraphs are written matter-of-factly without the fudging. Odd.)
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Disabled rail cash cut criticised
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Test hope in painful bone disease

I suppose that's a good way to test it.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Two submarines sailed with a safety defect that posed a radioactive leak risk, says a leaked memo

Once a leak, always a leak.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
VE Day 65th anniversary: Prince leads tributes

With a K-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-kiss. Party like it's nineteen forty-five!
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Net approaches addressing limit

Those onramps / slip roads to the information superhighway are doing a fine job fixing that limit.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Foreign Office says the British Embassy will close on Friday due to the ongoing security situation

But which embassy? All of them?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Heavy rock singer Dio dies at 67

Not clear. What's 67? His address? A club? A, ehem, sauna of some kind? And did he die because he was heavy? Was he a friend of Obese Osbourne?
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Australia expels Israeli diplomat

It's amazing what colonic irrigation can do.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
On BBC Website

Greek probe over missing kidney

To follow: Where have the lamb chops and stuffed vine leaves gone?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
I know this is sordid subject matter, but the headline was just too wrong to escape this thread:

Bradford murders accused in court

(I see they've finally fixed the "dirsupts" in my last post, but I have the screenshot to prove it )

[ 28. May 2010, 15:16: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Trains suspended over India crash

The sword of Damocles...
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Ex-Spice Girls boss eyes Idol bid

I idolize those eyes.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by mousethief:
Ex-Spice Girls boss eyes Idol bid

I idolize those eyes.

---

Surely this means that ex-Spice Girls are boss-eyed?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bilingual brain affects research

So, don't ya dare and speak more than language, or we'll kick you out of uni?

* * * * * * *

In fact, the report is from January 2010, entitled 'Research to find effects on brain of bilingualism', but is shown now in the 'most shared' list. - Some people need to learn the difference between 'affect' and 'effect'. Especially those on the BBC News site. Who appear to speak fewer than one language.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Laws could be back - Duncan Smith

New Tory 'self-regulating society' policy to be scrapped?
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
US base killings suspect in court

They were going to base him at Fort Meyers but the court had better facilities.
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Shrek beats Sex and the City film

I've heard women say that chocolate beats sex, but Shrek? And what's "the City film"?
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
PM to see Cumbria shooting police

See you get it done right, lads. No police left standing.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Murdered Polish priest beatified before thousands

Couldn't he've waited until the thousands were beatified? Not a sign of spititual humility, eh, murdered or not.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Why Beijing is treading carefully on North Korea
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From Yahoo News:

Fox launches "extremely rare" attack on babies

US right-wing channel claims being nice to babies, normally
 

---

Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wesley J:
From Yahoo News:

Fox launches "extremely rare" attack on babies

US right-wing channel claims being nice to babies, normally

---

"What, Never??"
"Well, hardly ever !"
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Head of MPs' expenses body vows to be more flexible

Try yoga?
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
MSP quits over 'attractive girl'

Quite so. We can't have good looking people anywhere near politics.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From SkyNews:

Naked Bike Riders Strip Off To Stop Traffic

Ok - they're naked. There's nothing more to strip off, eh!
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Whaling deal splits crucial meet

Huh?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Obama 'angry' over general claims

However quite happy about some of the more specific ones.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
And now the UK's being involved too:

President Obama tells David Cameron he will "consult closely" with him amid US general row

USA renewing the British art of queueing?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
"Body part" scare on motorway proves to be 'armless

Oh dear - now the Beeb have gone utterly punny too. Not that I mind though.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
fest

I somehow think the rest got truncated.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Delhi study suggests women unsafe

As many a man can attest...
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From the torygraph:

Man who had sex with bike in court

The bailiff couldn't move fast enough.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Syringes beat spoons for children

Intravenous food from now on? Sit still so I can inject your pudding? Which you'll only get after you've had that peas jab!

Or a new children's game, syringes beat spoons? Or a report from 10th league football, and a charity match?
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
I have this vision of a syringe wailing on a spoon and saying to a nearby child, "I'm doing this for you."
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pure bliss:

Capello to add new English coach

Wantsa tella off 'is players in a language theya understand, innita
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Today's gem: "Rioters in Grenoble fire shots after police shoot dead man accused of robbing casino".

What's the point of shooting a dead man? And why was the corpse robbing a casino? Inquiring minds need to know.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
In the "ignorance is bliss" catagory, I have this on my New York Times feed:

With Well Shut for 2 Days, BP Sees No Signs of Damage

other than a few million gallons of goo, everyhting looks lovely!
 

---

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Not the BBC, but the Ship's own home page:

Born today in 1844: Rev. William Archibald Spooner. He was greatly blessed in his lurking wife about 12 hours ago.

Why did she wait until 12 hours ago to bless him? Surely they would both have enjoyed it much more when they were both still alive.
 

---

Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Speed camera cuts 'mean disaster'

Only generous, open-minded disasters will get through.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Campbell given 'Dirty Stones'

- which could be any of them except Charlie Watts.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BP cements damaged Gulf oil well

I'm glad they're doing at least one thing well. But why can't they repair the poor oil? Cementing it seems rather rude.
 

---

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Germany to pay for Afghan victims

Sigh. Remember the good old days when you could get them for free?
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Front page, above the fold, of today's Anchorage Daily News:

DNA Charged in 2000 Assault

I suppose we're skipping the middle man and going straight for the genetics quesion.

Who the hell are they hiring to write headlines these days?
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
You know, no matter how I look at that headline, comet, I can't make it make sense.
 

---

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Well, apparently they don't have a name of a suspect, but they have a DNA profile from the rape kit. It was only clear after reading at least 4-5 column inches worth.

I know, the headline is completely bizarre.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Court delays 'damaging children'

But once the stay is lifted, they can be beaten again as per usual.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Police chase man killed by train

I'm pretty sure the previous headline for this story read

Train kills man after chase

too.
 

---

Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :
 
It surely must be the same one, but there's currently a 'Train kills boy, 16, after chase'

Maybe if we keep watching they come up with one that works... maybe not.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
That was it. It now reads

Train kills man after police chase which is surely little better?
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Taxi driver arrested after death

#you can't outrun the long arm of the law#
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Sensational headline just heard on BBC Radio 4:

Mrs Cameron [UK conservative PM's wife] went into Labour

Finally coming to reason!
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
House group nears administration

I thought there might be a decline in 'new-church' type practices, but I had no idea it was that serious...

(and happy belated fifth birthday to this thread )
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Euty

* * * * * * * *

Second site shut by outbreak team

Ok, if I hadn't clicked on that link, I wouldn't have the slightest what they're on about. Yet another nonsensical feed/headline.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
The latest Enid Blyton:

Five questioned over gems raids
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Cannibal star consumes neighbour

Turns out it's not in the Entertainment, but the Science section... phew!


Tiny cow becomes a record-breaker

Proverbial mini bull in record shop, breaking... well, 45rpm's?
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Five held over Pope terror alert

Enid Blyton updated and gone bad. I mean, really bad.
 

---

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Anti-social behaviour cuts fear

So it's obviously a positive thing to indulge in.
 

---

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
France protest numbers in dispute

I had to read this three times, mentally correcting and uncorrecting the grammar, before I got it.
 

---

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Doctors' body opposes NHS revamp

Doctors' soul has yet to make up its mind.
 

---

Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :