Thread: Clerical Dignity (and the loss thereof) Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
At the end of today's service, instead of a dignified procession down the chancel steps and on up the aisle, I managed to miss a step and ended up sprawled on the carpet below. I was helped to my feet by an elder, and limped the rest of the way with my shoes in my hand.

Please tell me this has happened to others.
 

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Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
Not in a clerical setting, but I was once giving a lecture to a very large group of students in a very echo-y gym. As I waiting for the last stragglers to find their seats, I perched on the table at the front ... only for it to collapse under me with a thunderous noise that immediately silenced the room. The silence continued as I picked myself up off the floor, wishing only that it would open up and swallow me.
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Not quite clerical, but Sunday School teacher...

I had a class of ten boys and one girl, arranged around a large table in such a way that only the girl could see me from the knees down. Which was a damn good thing, because in mid-sentence the elastic on my slip gave out and WHOOSH! it descended to flomph around my ankles.

I kept talking (of course!) and managed to step out of it and drop my cardigan accidentally on purpose on top of it. Then I bundled them both out of sight.

Nobody could figure out what the girl was grinning about.


 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
A former rector was kneeling during the Confession, on a shared kneeling bench. When he tried to stand for the Absolution he discovered that his cincture was caught under the bench, and he had a terrible time getting the person kneeling next to him to understand what was going on and get off the kneeler. (Needless to say, most of the congregation did notice.)
 

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Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
A rather pompous lay reader made a great show of presenting the collection plate at the alter but tripped on one of the steps and sent the coins all over the floor.
 

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Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Not during a service, but I remember the visit from our Anglican priest back in the '50s, when that sort of thing wasn't far off a visit from the Big Guy Up Above (and this particular Canon made sure you understood that!)

But, having had tea, he decided to kneel to pray, and my mother noticed the grey paint on the soles of his shoes, from when he walked in over the newly-painted front steps.
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
I once missed the (well-disguised) step up to the font, during a baptism and went base over apex onto the floor. Imagine, fat blonde girlie-vicar suddenly disappearing from view with surprized shriek; beat of disconcerted silence, followed by muffled giggles from baptism family rupturing themselves trying not to laugh. Thankfully I was not carrying the infant when this happened.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
My mother managed to break her hip tripping over the altar steps. She'd have been far safer going bungee jumping.

All these stories just go to show how dangerous going to church can be!
 

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Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
All these stories are soothing my wounded dignity! (My increasingly painful twisted ankle is another matter.)

Sorry about your mum, though, Chorister - that was a nasty thing to happen.
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Not clerical, but at a baptism once, when kneeling at the front for prayers (I was a godparent) I split my trousers.

Nothing was visible (although I suspect some people may have thought I had broken wind), but I had to be careful and stand around afterwards with my back to all sorts of trees and walls.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
A few years ago we started our Easter Vigil in the courtyard outside the church. The priest who was carrying the newly-lit Paschal candle was looking at the candle rather than where he was going and tried to walk through a concrete bench. Amazingly he was unhurt (though I imagine he felt it the next day). The candle was broken but we had not yet shipped back the previous year's candle, so we had a spare. Mostly it was a huge relief to everyone that the priest was o.k. and continued to assist at the Vigil.
 

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Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :
 
Another baptism... The minister had just finished the ceremony and held up the baby to go walkabout, to introduce her to she congregation. She smiled at him and then burped raucously into his lapel mike, to the pleasure of the whole congregation.
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Cottontail, after reading your OP I was going to ask how your ankle's doing, but you said so later on. I'm sorry it's continuing to hurt. You never know with those ankle twists. I hope you have tomorrow off and can rest it. And I trust you're icing it.

Lamb Chopped, you are one cool cat. Well, lamb.

A priest friend of mine posted on facebook that she melted her clerical collar after putting it in a bag with a just-used (and still-hot) curling iron. At least that's not something done in front of people.

And there was that time I tripped over Desmond Tutu...
 

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Posted by Japes (# 5358) on :
 
I've fallen up the pulpit stairs, having forgotten I was wearing a full length garment, likewise having forgotten to adjust it for walking up the stairs and walked up inside said garment.

I had bruised knees...and a bruised dignity.

Sermon notes were intact and preached.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by churchgeek:

And there was that time I tripped over Desmond Tutu...

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quote:

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Originally posted by churchgeek:

And there was that time I tripped over Desmond Tutu...

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Not lying in the gutter again.
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
We were lining up in the vestry at the cathedral where I used to work. It was extremely crowded, because everyone wanted to be in the procession with the Archbishop. There was also a huge table in the middle of the room. So I had just introduced myself to Archbishop Tutu, saying, "I'll be your verger..." and then had to attend to something else. Meanwhile, he took his place in the processional order, and to get in front of him (where I needed to be) I had to squeeze between everyone else in line and the huge table. I tripped over his cope, actually (it's just more fun to say I tripped over him), and in my defense, his cope is way too big. He was a good sport and jokingly pretended to be choking. Everyone in the room kinda gasped, and I was horrified, for about 2 seconds. Then I realized, "Hey, I get to tell this story now!" And then I helped him get his microphone on, which means I have also handled Desmond Tutu's ear. I wonder if more people can say that they've handled his ear, or that they tripped over him?
 

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Posted by HCH (# 14313) on :
 
Lamb Chopped's story should be on film.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
And then there was the time when the bishop suddenly disappeared - the choir thought the bishop had tripped up, but he was actually prostrating. That sort of thing doesn't normally happen in our church.
 

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Posted by Adam. (# 4991) on :
 
At school Mass on Friday, I realized during the psalm that I never brought the lectionary over to the church from the chapel where we have daily Mass (the kids read the first reading from a copy that they can take home to practice with). I disappeared into the sacristy, found the reading on my phone, and proclaimed the gospel from that. Worked OK, except I couldn't make a sign of the cross on it, as I'd have lost my place.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
We had a cat that loved going to church and, once there, used to make a beeline for my Father.

Much mirth then one day as he stood on the chancel step to take a wedding service - with a gently swiching tail protruding from the back of his cassock.
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
I don't think I've ever seen a cat wearing a cassock ... nor do I think that it would be legal for one to conduct a wedding (although such a circumstance may not be specifically covered by Canon Law).

[ 16. February 2015, 13:02: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
I have two - one true, one possibly apocryphal.

When the ladies in the choir in Belfast exchanged Geneva gowns (calf-length) for cassocks and surplices, I nearly garrotted the lady in front of me by treading on her cassock as she descended the chancel steps.

D. tells a story which illustrates the perils of high-heeled shoes:

Alto in choir catches stiletto in floor grating, and very sensibly steps out of shoe.

Tenor behind her gallantly picks up shoe; grating comes with it.

Bass behind him falls in hole.



[ 16. February 2015, 15:48: Message edited by: Piglet ]
 

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Posted by cliffdweller (# 13338) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Firenze:

quote:

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Originally posted by churchgeek:

And there was that time I tripped over Desmond Tutu...

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Not lying in the gutter again.

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Not exactly Tutu, but we do have a gentleman in our congregation who is a very well known biblical scholar. He's a rather small gentleman, now quite advanced in age. One Sunday in particular I was preaching on a text he had written a well regarded commentary on, so I was a bit anxious-- made sure to read his notes and try to incorporate them as much as possible.

After church a young couple who were visiting came up and were asking about Sunday School or coffee fellowship or something. In my typical after-service letdown I was a bit more animated than usual, so made a rather large, extravagant gesture to point them in the right direction-- until I felt my arm connect smartly with the nose of our elderly biblical scholar who had quietly come up behind me to congratulate me.


 

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Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
One I witnessed some years ago....

It was a gathering of the clergy in the deanery and we were beginning with the Eucharist. It was a small, rural church. Unfortunately, the priest of the parish was ill that day, so at the last minute, the Rural Dean stood in to preside.

During the Eucharistic Prayer, at the words of consecration, the Rural Dean genuflected, as was his custom. Unfortunately, as it wasn't his "regular" church, he misjudged the height of the altar. So as he genuflected, he smacked his forehead on the altar extremely hard. The noise echoed around the quiet church and the poor man concussed himself.

Did I help? Did I heck! I was too busy stuffing a hanky in my mouth and trying not to burst out laughing. Even now, as I write this, I'm still having to stop every few seconds to wipe tears from my eyes. Laurel and Hardy couldn't have done it better.
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
At college I played organ in the chapel for noonday mass (which began at 11:30). The chapel was outfitted with an electronic carillon that chimed the Angelus at the prescribed hours.

On my first day on duty, I did not realize then that when the carillon was engaged, the organ manuals were linked to it -- a condition marked by a little red pilot light that came on to the left of the manuals.

So I was playing merrily away when the noon hour arrived, the pilot light came on, and the Angelus rang very strangely that day!
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
A friend's childhood parish church was one of the first to get a sound system - it was very large and had dreadful acoustics.

Anyway, having made the decision to get this system they went for what was then state-of-the-art, complete with a very early form of radio microphone.

Come the day of the confirmation, elderly assistant bishop is kitted out with radio mike. All goes brilliantly until, after the laying on of hands, he needs to answer a call of nature.

The whole congregation was treated to the sound of an elderly cleric relieving himself
 

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Posted by Pomona (# 17175) on :
 
At my old church, some of the pews were removed and the rest reorganised to make the church more wheelchair-friendly. The curate at the time earmarked one of the removed pews to use as a garden bench, and got the homegroup held at his house to help him move the pew from the church to his house before the session started (maybe a 10 minute walk). We're all sitting down to start the Bible study when the doorbell goes - someone saw the pew being carried down the street and had called the police! Obviously the sight of the curate's dog collar persuaded the police that it was all OK, but it was very funny.

The same curate managed to crack some ribs on a (different!) pew so I think his time at our church persuaded him to be in favour of chairs
 

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Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Re Desmond Tutu:

Long ago, I was at an Episcopal service where he was preaching. Afterward, he decided to ditch his security. There was quite a fuss--people furiously muttering into radios, while running around.

I think he has a trickster streak.
 

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Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
Without doubt, the funniest service I've ever experienced was the one time I really didn't want to laugh. It was the Eucharist on the last morning of my ABM conference. We (the candidates) were already pretty uptight, as you might imagine. The service was being led by the chairman of the selection panel.

It all started to go wrong when, during a moment of silent (hopefully devout) prayer, someone's alarm on their watch went off. By the time he'd managed to switch it off, I could see a number of shoulders beginning to heave.

Just as we were all about to get ourselves under control, the chairman lost his place in the Eucharistic Prayer. And I mean - really lost. Not a clue where he was. Long embarrassing silence ensued and shoulders started heaving again.

We gathered in a circle around the altar to receive. The chairman took the bread around the circle, followed by a selector who was administering the chalice. Unfortunately, she failed to remember that there was a step. She missed her footing and semi-fell, causing almost all the consecrated wine to spill onto the floor.

All of us candidates, standing in a circle, were desperately avoiding looking at one another. I was biting hard on my cheeks in an attempt to NOT laugh out loud - certain that if I so much as sniggered, it would be an instant "fail". Never has it hurt so much to keep a straight face (almost).
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
I'm not sure that clergymen and radio-mikes should be allowed to mix; horror stories could probably make a whole thread in themselves.

My favourites:
A curate called Fr. Barrett for some reason had placed a kneeler behind the altar (I think he may have been standing on it to reach something) and forgot about it. When the vicar went round to start celebrating the Eucharist* he tripped over it, went his length and, fully miked-up, shouted, "Barrett you b*****d!"

And of course there was the vicar who forgot to unmike himself after the dedication of the new sound system, which proved its efficacy by relaying the following comment as he was unrobing:

quote:

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I suppose I'd better go and chat up the silly old bat who paid for it.

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* Served him right for not celebrating ad orientem.
 

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Posted by Stumbling Pilgrim (# 7637) on :
 
Last Ash Wednesday, my other half and a female colleague were presiding over the circuit service. Colleague was in heels, hubby was wearing new shoes. At the climax of the service they walked up the (uncarpeted) aisle amid a meditative silence. Except that the silence of the congregation made even more clearly audible the 'clunk, clunk, squeak, clunk, squeak' of two unsuitable pairs of shoes. Nobody broke the silence, but as in Oscar's case shoulders were seen to be heaving. After the Benediction they walked back down the aisle to further clunking and squeaking. There followed a slightly unusual response to a service of great solemnity, as people looked at each other and the wave of laughter finally broke.

[ 17. February 2015, 14:46: Message edited by: Stumbling Pilgrim ]
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
Several Ash Wednesdays ago the Clergy were kneeling at the Altar Rail*, the congregation were all kneeling in silence -- the cell phone in pocket of one of our retired priests started playing Schubert's Trout Quintet.

*(The clergy don't have kneelers in the Sanctuary, which is why they use the Altar rail for solemn occasions.)
 

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Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Art my parish church, several years ago, the vicar preceded a coffin to the altar at a funeral.

When he genuflected, the coffin went smack into the back of his head.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by leo:
Art my parish church, several years ago, the vicar preceded a coffin to the altar at a funeral.

When he genuflected, the coffin went smack into the back of his head.

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quote:

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Originally posted by leo:
Art my parish church, several years ago, the vicar preceded a coffin to the altar at a funeral.

When he genuflected, the coffin went smack into the back of his head.

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YES!


Stuff like that, you couldn't make up.
 

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Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
This is - I suspect - apocryphal. But I so want it to be true....

At a wedding, the priest gave out the announcements at the start and included the stern warning that everyone should have their mobile phones switched off.

Half way through the service, a mobile phone was heard to ring loudly. The priest paused the service and glared at the congregation. Only to realise that it was his phone....
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
At a recent funeral service in church, prior to cremation, the candle set in front of the coffin spattered wax everywhere and the greenery and oasis around it caught fire. Thankfully, the family thought it was very funny.

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That happened to one of the pew-end candles at a wedding I attended -- the one right next to the mother-of-the-bride, of course.
 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Our church's organ has been in poor repair for years, and at one wedding it burst into flame -- a short circuit. The music minister beat out the flame with a hymnal and carried on over at the piano.
 

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Posted by TonyK (# 35) on :
 
Two stories - one it witnessed and one (possibly apocryphal) I heard about.

At one Midnight Mass our area bishop, Wilfred Wood, presided. He was, AFAIK, the first C of E bishop of West Indian parents. As he processed towards the chancel the lights fused and we were left with the vision of a mitre floating down the nave, illuminated only by the acolytes' candles.

The second story concerned an enthusiastic deacon at an Easter Vigil service. He took the newly-lit Paschal candle into the Baptistry to dip the bottom into the font. Preparatory to that he hoisted the candle high to proclaim, 'The light of Christ' forgetting that the Baptistry ceiling was much lower. Candle extinguished very prematurely and it needed extensive surgery to free the wick before it could be relit.
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
When we were in Belfast, the Easter Even service was sung by Schola Cantorum, a small choir made up of recently-retired choristers and the Dean's verger; my role was to turn on the lights at the appropriate moment.

The chaps had assembled at the West end, and as I sat half-way up the nave the verger scuttled past me, muttering "I forgot the fecking candle!"

I can't now recall if it was the same occasion when one of the candles given to the congregation caused consternation by coming into too-close proximity to a lady's furry hat ...
 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
We had a famous incident in our church when nobody put water into the ewer for a baptism. Luckily the prayer to consecrate the water is quite long, which gave me the opportunity to take it, run it under the tap, and hurry it back out to the baptismal font. It is so lucky they don't pay the Altar Guild for serving, otherwise they'd have to dock our salaries.
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
There is the ?apocryphal story of the Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon christening, who arrived at the font with the baptismal party to find that it was very dry.

He allegedly did some quick thinking, announced "The Procession for the Fetching of the Water" and led the whole party around the church to the kitchen. There he filled a ewer, processed back to the font, and filled it.

(You couldn't do that in a Baptist church. The water takes an hour or two to fill up, and then has to be heated for well over 24 hours to get it to a reasonable temperature for Total Immersion. The real danger here is of the Minister slipping on the steps and falling in with a big splash, not to mention the danger of non-clerical language.

Mind you, I did once see a rather portly Pentecostal minister conduct a baptism wearing a gleaming black wetsuit and - I think but can't be sure - flippers on his feet).

[ 18. February 2015, 15:00: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
In Baptist churches, Communion is usually served by first serving people in their seats with the bread (which they eat at once), then with the little cuppies of wine (which they drink together when everyone has been served).

On one occasion we served the wine; however I then went on to the post-communion prayer and announced the final hymn. At this point someone jumped up at the back of the church, waved their Communion cuppie in the air, and shouted out to me, "We haven't drunk it yet!"
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
We had the dry font problem too, and I discovered it 2 minutes before service, when everyone was gathered and waiting. Warning my husband the pastor to stay in his hidey hole (aka the sacristy), I fetched a silver pitcher from our home (one wing of the church), filled it with water, and made a Big.Ceremonial.Deal out of filling the font.

On another occasion some bright spark filled the baptismal font with boiling hot water (our plumbing had some issues). You could see the steam coming off it. Luckily I had developed the habit of checking the font 15 minutes before service (see above) and could, er, deal with it.
 

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Posted by Offeiriad (# 14031) on :
 
As Chaplain to the Servers Guild, it was my privilege to bring the joy of Catholic worship to some small rural churches which normally had to subsist on less exotic fare.

At one particular place there was no way I was thin enough to get behind the altar, so we decided to do a little temporary furniture moving so I could celebrate facing eastwards. A stout server and I took firm hold of the large altar and lifted, whereupon the whole assembly fell to bits! Closer examination revealed a tiny altar which somebody had adapted to fit a large (donated) frontal by laying a door flat across the mensa, thereby giving the impression that the altar was double the size!

We managed to reassemble the structure before anyone else arrived. The great procession reached the sancturary: I kissed the altar and began to cense it, only to go to the North side where a mousetrap attached itself firmly to the hem of my alb! Very difficult make removing a mousetrap look like it is part of the liturgy - we were never invited there again......
 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
You know there is an entire book here. Or a series of killer YouTube videos.
In our church we have large flagons for the communion wine, which then gets poured into the chalices. Because the flagons are silver, they are stored in non-tarnish cloth bags, with a small dishtowel tucked in the mouth to hold the lid up and keep moisture from condensing inside and corroding the metal.
I was washing up after a service one Sunday and when I poured out the unused wine (from the flagon back into the wine bottle for re-use next service, because we run through so much of it already) a sodden dishtowel plopped onto the counter. The entire congregation had been drinking communion wine with a dishtowel steeping in it.
We quietly washed the dishtowel and didn't tell anybody. Least said, soonest mended.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
I am so glad to hear that other churches have almost had waterless Baptisms!

We also had a memorable Baptism when the grandfather of the baby stepped back from the font, knocking the Advent wreath stand over -- the priest grabbed the wreath stand with one hand while holding the baby in the other. (This may be why Baptisms are discouraged during Advent.)
 

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Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
Stories of fonts and baptisms reminds me of two that happened to me and one that I am extremely reliably informed (ie by a close friend of the person involved) happened to a Pentecostal minister.

First of all, many years ago, a Pentecostal minister was doing his first baptism (full immersion, of course). The baptismal pool in the church was filled on the Saturday and the heater left on overnight, so that the water would not be too cold.

As the service was about to start, he lifted off the cover on the pool, only to discover that the pool was almost empty. There was, it seems, a small leak in the pool. As a result, all they had were a few rather hot puddles. The minister ended up rolling the baptismal candidates around in them.

At his next baptism, he got so excited that he jumped into the baptismal pool at the start of the service and then had to conduct the whole service from it, peering over the edge at the congregation.

My stories....

The baptism service was processing nicely. The baptismal families were gathered around the font at the back of the church. As is my custom, I poured the water into the font with a great flourish. I turned away to put the pitcher on the ground and when I turned back, ready to begin the prayer over the water, I looked down ... at a completely empty font. The plug hadn't been put in properly. The look of baffled astonishment on my face caused the entire congregation to crack up.

(I don't want to get in trouble with the Liturgical SS, so offer this final story with trepidation)
When I was a curate, I did a baptism for a family where the baby being baptised had an older sister - probably about 5 or 6. All though the baptism, the older sister was clutching her dolly to her chest and looking at me intently. Once the baptism was over, I turned to her and said "Do you want me to baptise your doll as well?" Her response was (as I expected) immediate. "Yes please!" So I did. It seemed cute and everyone laughed. And I was sure the bishop would never get to hear about it.

Next day, I had to go into the local hospital. As I walked through the doors, I was greeted with the words "so you're the vicar that baptises dollies, are you?" It turned out that one of the godparents was a nurse in the hospital and the whole story had spread like wildfire that morning. I spent the next few days waiting for a phone call from the bishop.... (It never came)
 

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Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
This happened to a friend of mine when she was training for the ministry. She was assisting in communion in her placement church. For those who don't know, the wee cuppies are usually distributed to the congregation in a tray looking something like this.

On her way down the aisle, my friend stumbled a little, and thinking to save the wine, reached out her hand to steady the tray. Result: she slapped the wee cuppies from below, sending them flying into the air and drenching nearby communicants!
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
Our church's organ has been in poor repair for years, and at one wedding it burst into flame -- a short circuit. The music minister beat out the flame with a hymnal and carried on over at the piano.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:

quote:

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Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
At a recent funeral service in church, prior to cremation, the candle set in front of the coffin spattered wax everywhere and the greenery and oasis around it caught fire. Thankfully, the family thought it was very funny.

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That happened to one of the pew-end candles at a wedding I attended -- the one right next to the mother-of-the-bride, of course.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:


When I was a curate, I did a baptism for a family where the baby being baptised had an older sister - probably about 5 or 6. All though the baptism, the older sister was clutching her dolly to her chest and looking at me intently. Once the baptism was over, I turned to her and said "Do you want me to baptise your doll as well?" Her response was (as I expected) immediate. "Yes please!" So I did. It seemed cute and everyone laughed. And I was sure the bishop would never get to hear about it.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
... the danger of non-clerical language ...

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From a Baptist minister??? Shock, horror!!!

I remember as a very small piglet being taken up to see the baptism pool when it had been filled up (I think) before my sister's baptism and dropping my Bible in it ...
 

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Posted by the famous rachel (# 1258) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
Then there was the Easter Vigil when we all lit our little hand candles from the Pascal candle, and one of the choir members held hers a little too close to her music. Naturally it caught fire.

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Once, in a rather nice restaurant in Edinburgh, my husband managed to set fire to his menu (which was changed each day, and was thus a simple sheet of A4 paper with the dishes printed on it using a normal printer). I laughed uproariously, and then almost immediately proceeded to set fire to my own menu, entirely accidentally, but in an almost identical fashion!

R.

(Sorry - not clerical - but came to mind...)
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Dunno about the dignity bit, but...

Easter Eve and the priest kindled the New Fire (using a magnifying glass and the rays of the setting sun) onto some dried grass and twigs in the bottom of a rusty old wheelbarrow outside the Tower door. Paschal Candle lit from it, light handed round, began processing up the aisle.

Senior server, thinking to be helpful (!) pushes old wheelbarrow away from door into unmown and overgrown churchyard.

Midway through the Exsultet and the choir are convulsed as they can see the churchyard looking like newsreel film of a bush fire and then we can all hear the neenaw neenaw of the approaching fire engine.

That year, at least, the entire village was aware of the New Fire, if not the significance of it heralding the risen Christ
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by L'organist:
Easter Eve and the priest kindled the New Fire (using a magnifying glass and the rays of the setting sun) onto some dried grass . . . and the choir are convulsed as they can see the churchyard looking like newsreel film of a bush fire

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Serves you right for not kindling it from struck flint like the Baby Jesus and his Blessed Mother want you to.
 

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Posted by DangerousDeacon (# 10582) on :
 
My first baptism as a Deacon, the baby squirmed, and I was baptising it with his head almost in the font, and me desperately trying to keep hold of his feet. My parish priest (now a Bishop) reminds me of this every time we meet up.

God has a sense of humour, but occasionally I wish I was not the butt of his jokes.
 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
My son was baptised by the bishop of the diocese, who arrived all in beautiful white robes. Unfortunately my son (then about four weeks old) had not had a bowel movement for four days. I was in an agony of suspense all through the baptism, fearing that the kid would let fly, magnificently, at a crucial moment. Luckily it didn't happen.
 

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Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Piglet:
I remember as a very small piglet being taken up to see the baptism pool when it had been filled up (I think) before my sister's baptism and dropping my Bible in it ...

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Tangent:

Sounds like our childhood churches may have been a bit similar, at least about baptism. It was a small, non-denom. fund. church. There was a platform at the front, rather than anything fancy. The baptistry was under some removable sections of the platform, and was filled up with a garden hose. Immersion baptism, only for believers from maybe age 12 and up--but usually adults. Had to wear something dark (swimsuit, maybe?) under the white robe, because a wet robe has something of a wet t-shirt effect.
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
[still on GK's tangent]

I remember my sister saying afterwards that her ankles were black and blue, as there were lead weights sown into the hem of the white robe for the preservation of modesty.
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
Indeed there were - though they tended to be like lead shot sown into the bottom hems of curtains, and not very heaven. Perhaps she swished the baptismal gown around too much?

(I've not seen one of those for years, although they used to be quite common!)
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
IIRC they were brick-shaped, about an inch and a half long and about half an inch square at the ends, and certainly felt heavy enough that they could give one a nasty clunk on the ankle.
 

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