Thread: Hope Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
How do you keep going when you finally get the news that something that you were hoping for, which would have been transformative and redeemed a dismal situation which you have been struggling to improve for a long time without success, has fallen through?

How do you motivate yourself to struggle up from the floor, get back on your feet, pick up your cross and stagger on?

I'm speaking generally as this could apply to a variety of different situations - jobs, promotions, health, whatever. Any advice? Platitudes?

Just don't tell me a) to offer it up or b) to trust in Jesus. This is the point at which faith has become words, the promises of the Gospels empty, prayer an unanswered irrelevance. If you haven't been there then you won't be able to fully answer this.
 
Posted by Nicolemr (# 28) on :
 
Take some time to lick your wounds.
 
Posted by Jengie jon (# 273) on :
 
What Nicole said.

  • Find a place to vent
  • Do something where you are likely to end up laughing
  • Set a fixed timeout period when you will not do anything about it come Hell or High Water. This stresses your agency in the situation. It might be hours, it could be days or even weeks but you know when you are coming back to it.
  • Find something positive to work on other than the situation.

    • Jengie
     
    Posted by Nenya (# 16427) on :
     
    Sit and cry. Or howl. Or go out on a hillside and scream. Whatever gives vent to what you're feeling.

    Then acknowledge, "I can do no more. I have no idea how to go on from here."

    Then do the next thing. This may mean blowing your nose and drying your eyes. Driving home. Putting the kettle on. Sometimes the next five minutes is all you can cope with. Jesus had it well wrong when he talked about whole days.

    {{{hugs}}} to you.
     
    Posted by mark_in_manchester (# 15978) on :
     
    I would reflect (really - I'm here quite a lot) on my sense that the pain of all this is a signpost to the fact that something within me refuses to accept that this shit is meaningless; a 'just is' state of affairs.

    In other words, something in me still Hopes - or it wouldn't hurt.

    I know someone in the last throes of a terminal illness for whom death will, I imagine, be the gateway to the realisation of that Hope. I pray your (and my) path to Joy will be easier on us and our families; but we never know, do we.
     
    Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
     
    I don't know, I wish I did, I wish I had known at the times when despair was a real daily challenge. One thing I do remember is my elderly friend Bertha taking me aside one Tuesday evening after I had vented all this and saying to me that it was

    quote:
    okay to shower in the poor-mes, but not to bathe in them
    I don't think it was particularly what I wanted to hear at the time but it certainly helped me later.

    Another thing that helped was my mate Billy in Liverpool telling me to write a Gratitude list - what the **** had I got to be grateful for? - well, I had a home [so shelter] and food and friends and parents and a dog and...

    Quite a lot really even if parts of my life weren't as I would wish.
     
    Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
     
    No real answers here.

    I know that my heart keeps hoping. My head on the other hand vainly attempts to tell my heart "Sorry mate, it's gone. You're hoping in vain. Move on". I've concluded that rationalising to the point of knowing intellectually that it's gone and there's no hope for it coming back doesn't help, that rationalising flows over my heart like water of the ducks back, and I still find myself hoping.

    In the meantime, each day as it comes. Get on with doing things. Avoid idle time when the busy-ness of doing things allows the heart to express vain hopes; that's just a recipe for the brain to go back through all the "what if's?" and "if I'd done that's" which leads to sleepless nights and depression.
     
    Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :
     
    Everything repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.*

    Find something to laugh at. I found anger too long does unpleasant things. Though throwing axes was a good transition from anger to performance art; not really destructive, but a power move.

    I also found some of the psalms as poetry seemed to help. So did enjoying things not ordinarily enjoyed, like rain bucketing down on me.


    *which is a joke in itself, it is attributed to Karl Marx.
     
    Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
     
    One thing that shocked me in group was when one member expressed a distrust of hopeful feelings-- both because I immediately knew what she meant, and because half the room nodded at her words.

    Hope is a killer, Hope hurts. But not having hope hurts worse.

    I agree about laughter. When something gives you a laugh, you don't have to rely on the future to satisfy you-- it's right there. Especially if you are laughing with friends.
     
    Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
     
    Really difficult to laugh when despair hits hard. I know I'm sinking when my sense of humour goes; it's a signal that I'm working too hard to keep going and stay upright.

    Allow yourself to grieve for what have been? Spend a few days wallowing in it, give yourself a duvet day, a chance to just sit and read books for a bit. (Novels can be therapeutic in themselves showing others getting over pretty major stuff, or being so frustratingly wimpy that they can't get up and deal.) Effectively giving yourself permission to be sad and fed up that something you worked for hasn't worked out.

    Book a holiday somewhere fun and throw yourself into the planning. (There's a camper van company that is sending me e-mails, offering camper van hire very cheaply so long as the person taking the holiday moves the van between places - like Dublin to Scotland - fares all paid, pm me if you're interested.)

    I find painting and art therapeutic, concentrating that hard on something different puts the focus elsewhere. Keeping busy - setting myself something to work on, like the decorating (which needs doing), so that I have my hands full of that and need to work hard to get that done. Making sure that I get outside in the fresh air (photography for me does a bit of both - the processing and the reason to get out and about).

    The other boring one is trying to break down what is causing the problems into smaller chunks, working out what can be changed and what cannot and focusing on the things that can be changed. Then trying to put the things that cannot be changed into the back of my mind and throwing myself into things I can do (like the decorating).
     
    Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
     
    Thanks, all for these interesting and thoughtful replies. FWIW, my own take on these situations, after a year of this, is:

    Guilt and regret are always going to be inevitable to some degree. As soon as you find yourself looking back and saying “What if I’d done/said/tried…” more than once, try to step back. Focusing on the “what ifs” often becomes circular, doesn't help - you can't change it - and makes you more miserable.

    There are times when you’re going to be miserable anyway. That’s natural, and part of being human. It would be unnatural not to be. Sometimes despair demands to be given its voice and brought into the light and you have to acknowledge those times. But I agree with those who recommend laughter – although whatever it is may overshadow your life it doesn’t have to be the 100% focus every waking hour, and this is where a “gratitude list” is useful as it helps you focus on the nicer things that happen during the day.

    I find turning off the phones and being firm about making time for yourself is useful. I struggled with this at first and was very on edge but there are times when you need to switch off and just try to distract yourself with something you enjoy. Life goes on and one day there will come a time when this isn’t a dominant feature of life.

    It’s also useful to know that other people are struggling in their own ways. Sometimes your own experiences can help, sometimes it just gives you a feeling of solidarity and knowing that other people have been down the same path and got through to the end is also helpful.

    Hope is at times a tenuous thing though. The hard part is bringing yourself to resume hoping when you feel that has been pretty definitively crushed.
     
    Posted by Nicodemia (# 4756) on :
     
    I gave up hoping. Now I expect the worst, or at least much less good.

    Sometimes it doesn't happen.
     
    Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
     
    quote:
    Originally posted by Ariel:
    Thanks, all for these interesting and thoughtful replies. FWIW, my own take on these situations, after a year of this, is:
    I won't repeat the whole post, but there's some good stuff in there. Thank you Ariel, I can relate to a lot of it.

    My stress release, island of sanity, positive place is my allotment. Something always needs doing, something positive that I can do there and then, and the results are hugely satisfying. It's very rare I go there and there is no hope.

    AG
     
    Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on :
     
    Sometimes in life everything falls apart, one thing after another. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 weeks before my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That year was the darkest ever for me, I had to give up so much I cherished in life. I found listening to music that matched my mood helpful, it expressed my emotions for me and I could cry those much needed tears (Rachmaninov's Vocalise still stirs my heart). But for me there also comes a time for accepting and letting go and I find that liberating. I haven't lost my sense of hope, in fact it has been strengthened by experience, probably because you need something to trust in when you have a psychosis and can't trust your own faculties, but I do not dwell on things I cannot change; I let them go. Oddly, having bipolar has been useful in this, as I have to make decisions about my behaviour constantly as a means of managing my health. I have learnt to let go and to accept that my life will always be limited by my mental disorder. I find getting outside and looking at the world helps, 'to see the world in a grain of sand', and I manage my depressive times with fresh air and exercise, and embrace the outbursts of goodness and creativity when they come.
     
    Posted by Heavenly Anarchist (# 13313) on :
     
    quote:
    Originally posted by Sandemaniac:

    My stress release, island of sanity, positive place is my allotment. Something always needs doing, something positive that I can do there and then, and the results are hugely satisfying. It's very rare I go there and there is no hope.

    AG
    There are so many positive aspects to gardening; fresh air, exercise, activity, colour, reward and a sense of being part of creation. I find it very restful for the mind.
     
    Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
     
    To an extent it's difficult/impossible to avoid obsessing about the things which go severely pear-shaped, but I agree with all the posts above.

    Here is what I found to help:

    Be kind, even indulgent, to yourself.

    Little things can lift your spirits - allow that to happen. Small triumphs can mean a lot.(The book that was lost has been found, for example.)

    Do something. Activity can help to alleviate depression.

    Get out into the sunlight, if there is any.

    Bore your friends with it - that's what they're there for, and you would do the same for them.
     
    Posted by JoannaP (# 4493) on :
     
    quote:
    Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
    Another thing that helped was my mate Billy in Liverpool telling me to write a Gratitude list - what the **** had I got to be grateful for? - well, I had a home [so shelter] and food and friends and parents and a dog and...

    Quite a lot really even if parts of my life weren't as I would wish.
    I know this sound a bit trite, but I got through a bad patch by listing all the things that I would not have if I was in Dadaab. Being grateful for all kinds of things that I normally take for granted (shelter, heating without risking rape, a varied diet, healthcare etc.) made me realise how fortunate I was, even if parts of my life weren't as I would wish. (I can't think if a way to say it better - highest form of flattery and all.)

    I know that the only way to avoid the pain of having one's hopes dashed is not to hope at all but I find that very hard to do, especially in the long-term.
     
    Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
     
    I don't know how I forgot it and it has been mentioned by others but exercise is really good - I'm not suggesting necessarily going to the gym but a walk or going for a swim can really help, get those endorphins going!


    [lousy coding]

    [ 13. May 2015, 14:47: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
     
    Posted by Amorya (# 2652) on :
     
    Try my best not to feel stupid for having dared to be optimistic. Fight the cynicism with every ounce of strength that I have left, because it's not wrong to have hoped. The ones who laugh at me for being naïve are the ones who need praying for.
     
    Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
     
    Ariel,

    For me, the first thing is go to a private place and rage and cry. Then to go to a quiet place* and simply be. Take the edge off, then empty. The result is a more balanced state. Not problem over, but it has less dominance in my head.


    *Not necessarily actually quiet. I've spots in nature, but also activities. Taking photos is a meditative thing for me. In the midst of people, the world recedes.
    I need this regularly. My nature is dual and my "quiet" places balance this out.
     
    Posted by Jengie jon (# 273) on :
     
    There is a way
    to survive
    that blinkers itself
    to both hope and despair
    taking the daily task
    learning not to look
    up to the horizon
    Its name I know not
    but I have travelled far
    by putting one foot
    in front of the other.

    Jengie
     
    Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
     
    I think Jengie just expressed it well for me.

    Hugs and love and prayers to you, and all of us struggling right now, for what it's worth.
     


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