Ship of Fools: Job description for the post of grandmother

Thread: Job description for the post of grandmother Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

(Borrowed from another thread)

quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Being a grandma myself, I am interested in the uniform. How should a grandmother look?

Wrinkled and craggy with grey hair that straggles a bit, and a pair of glasses. Eyes should be kind but appraising – grandmothers are well aware of what kids get up to. You should be able to cook cakes and biscuits perfectly but produce awful stew and sloppy cups of weak, very milky tea, or else it should be so strong you can stand a spoon up in it.

Any other descriptions?

And what about a name? "Gran" is good.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Both my grandmothers were called Nana.

They must be experts at reading bedtime stories, with an encylopaedic knowledge of nursery rhymes.

They must also be able to obtain extemely hard pastille sweets that no shop ever seems to sell.

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

Ethnic foods. A grandmother of ethnicity should be the conduit, to the next generation, of all the unhealthy foods of yore. Let the birth parents do the vegan, the lo-salt, the organic, the sous vide. Gramma is there with the sesame noodles and the pork-belly cooked in soy sauce.

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

The only important requisite is the ability to completely spoil their grandchildren.

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :

On seeing a parent reprimand a child, a grandmother's standard response should be, "Oh darling - the number of times you did that when you were her age!"

A grandmother should also be able to produce quantities of embarrassing childhood photographs of their children, for the instruction and education of their grandchildren.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

My Gran was a tiny little late Victorian Devonian with a wicked sense of humour and an enormous and magical ability for being responsible - if any of us kids ever broke anything she would miraculously take the blame - even when she was in London and we lived near Manchester!

She was also given to Victorian lace collars on her high necked blouses.

She also loathed strong drink but found that a sip of brandy helped if she had a cough...

...she had a lot of coughs!

With grandmothers the kettle is always on to make a fresh pot of tea - and they are always about to do a spot of washing!

Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :

Did no one else live in terror of grandma?

Not traumatic terror, and I still loved her dearly, but boy did she have a way of letting you know that she didn't approve of certain behaviors.

I remember once we were driving down the road and happened to pass a topless dancing club. Totally unprovoked by anything, she turned to me and said "Og, I better never hear about you going into a place like that."

To this day I've never set foot in one. She'd find me from beyond the grave.

Same goes for riding motorcycles, playing organized American football, or rooting for Oklahoma or Texas A&M under any circumstance.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Grannies need to be able to SING. And know all the silly songs and rhymes. Oh, and OF COURSE be able and willing to jump in all the Muddy Puddles.

I should know, I've been putting these two basic tenets into practice for the last 3 1/2 years. I can even sing AT THE SAME TIME as jumping in Muddy Puddles, that's how good I've got.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Grandmothers should be able to answer all the unanswerable questions! Especially those about God. Without lying!

This particular grandma is known as MiMi.

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

Grandmothers should be made of comfortable elastic with an earthy aroma. I always associated my grandmother with Pears Soap, dainty china (even the grandchildren got to have tea in special cups) and the one perfect single flower on the tea table. She might have drunk her tea with one finger raised, but that same hand knew how to wring the neck of a chook and chop the firewood to cook it.

They need to be elastic so that their laps are comfortable, their purses stretch and their homes balloon in and out to accommodate the revolving door that is family.

Their views are never accounted as being of any worth by their children, yet the things they say often go into family lore. They should be soft as putty and yet totally unshockable. Usually invisible, except in a crisis. And no-one is more expert than grandma at making you feel better when you're sick, even if its by convincing you you're not REALLY sick because back in her day the best medicine for a sore throat was a spoonful of sugar laced with kerosene....

Posted by cosmic dance (# 14025) on :

Nanas should be able to knit blankets and vests and little hats for new babies. They should be warm and cuddly. They should be able to let teenagers cry for a while without insisting on knowing what is wrong.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
They must also be able to obtain extremely hard pastille sweets that no shop ever seems to sell.

Yes, they always seem to have an infinite supply of something everybody else thinks was discontinued after the last war.

Also, they need to be able to knit like demons.

Posted by Diomedes (# 13482) on :

They certainly need the ability to learn, and pronounce correctly, the names of every known dinosaur!

Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :

My paternal grandmother died when I was six, so my ideas on grandmothers are mostly derived from the maternal one.

What I remember most is how she would encourage my mother to let me do stuff that my mother wasn’t sure about. Getting my ears pierced (my mother has never had hers done)? My grandmother was all for it and went through her earring box and gave me some of the contents. Equally my mother has never worn make-up and looked slightly askance at my teenage predilection for same. Grandmother en rouge: “I think it’s lovely all the make-up the girls have these days. We never had all that when I was their age.”

Agreed on the knitting.

Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by cosmic dance:
Nanas should be able to knit ... little hats for new babies ...

So that's where they come from - I've never seen a picture of a new baby without a little hat, and I was beginning to wonder if they were actually born with them ... [Big Grin]

Both my grandmothers* were accomplished and fairly prolific knitters; in addition, Granny Bain made the best chips ever, and Granny Mac made rice-crispie squares. And of course, both were much more tolerant of my juvenile peccadilloes than Mum or Dad were.

* both called Granny - Granny Bain and Granny Mac.

Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :

This grannie's uniform is an old t shirt and trousers suitable for messy play, sticky fingers, cooking, going to the beach and swimming.

The modern granny needs to be able to sort out various IT problems.

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

I don't think there is one!

One of my grandmothers was an alcoholic and some-time black-marketeer; the other had worked in a couturier's atelier and dressed like a spanish duenna - all black, with hair scraped back into a bun.

Of two great grandmothers: one 'enjoyed' ill health, the other had brought up 6 children , widowed before the last was born, and supported them all by playing the trumpet in nightclubs.

Ideal job description? someone who can listen to troubles without being judgmental, teach a grandchild how to mix a martini and provide the occasional cheque when funds are tight.

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :

Only one of my grandmothers could knit, but she only managed to knit one cardigan*† for my daughter, ever, because she was so slow. I think she knitted me something as a child too, once. My mother can knit, but the garments are running joke because checking tension is not something she bothers doing.

My mother doesn't fit any of these grandmother models either: working, sailing, windsurfing.

Neither grandmother fits either model you're talking about. One took us out for countryside pursuits - blackberrying, dog walks around the local countryside, beagling and knew her wildlife and the area. She used to take us to meet random cousins and relatives. Visiting her involved collecting eggs from her chicken run and knowing which of the dogs was safe with children. Those grandparents kept big dogs - labradors and Cumberland spaniels.

The other grandmother was far more urban and smart. Her dogs were miniature dachshunds. My feet are the same size as this grandmother and I'm still working my way through the high heels she passed on to me when they were too high for her to wear any longer. She died 16 years ago and I still have some of those shoes. I'm being very slow as I rarely wear 4" heels.

†I produced a child at premmie size. I really could have done with a knitting grandmother rather than having to learn to knit pdq so the child had clothes to fit her. This was in the days before premmie stuff was readily available in the shops.
*If she did. It may well have come from a local fair or fête of some form.

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

My grandmother was a stylish beauty who drove a fast convertible and had her granddaughters fighting over her clothes when she was in her 70s. At my confirmation I had a lovely Spanish gown from her to wear with deep decollete'--ooh la la! which, of course, the church promptly covered with an all-enveloping white robe. [Two face]

Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :

Auntie Sadie (step grandmother) used to visit from Christchurch. She was a wonderful baker - I still have her recipe for Christmas cake which has a pound of butter and a pound of eggs. She used to take over the kitchen and made the most wonderful sweets.

Grandma (paternal) was older and made the most hideous rice pudding. She wasn't the most successful baker and lived by the saying "the boys will eat it." Dad used to say, "The boys didn't have an option".

As I will never be a grandmother I tell my nephew subversive stories about his father as a child.

Huia

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

The most important item on my shopping list was 'Bubbles'. I had the difficult choice between 'Giant wand', 'Jumbo size', 'Bubblegun', 'Princess bubbles' or 'Pirate bubbles'. It could only happen to a grandmother.

(In the end, I decided upon Princess bubbles. More for my money and in smaller doses to avoid spillage calamity. I'm sure you all really wished to know that. [Biased]

)

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

Names for grandmothers is an interesting one. My grandchildren call me nanna, but I am not their only nanna so they differentiate by city - I am therefore the Canberra Nanna when they are away, and just Nanna when they are with me. They have two great grandmothers as well. The 97 year old gets called Gee Ma, the Big G, and Great Nanna by her various offspring. The 77 year old gets called Bee Bee or Big Nan. She always preferred Nan to Nanna, and her husband was always called Pop or Poppie.

I called my grandmother Nanna and my grandfather Pa. My father always referred to them as Mater and Pater. Two of my daughters have European partners, so some of my grandchildren also have a Baka and a Nonna. They all, however, have only one Gang Gang. This was my eldest grandson's early attempt at saying Grandad when calling for my husband, and it stuck.

A friend's parents are called Gammer and Gramps by their grandchildren. One of my sisters is Nanna Dinah to her brood and I like that they use her Christian name. My other sister insists that her grandchildren refer to her properly as Grandmother. No diminutives allowed. Ever.

I probably should have been insistent on a more definitive name now that my grandchildren have so many older people in their lives. Maybe when I reach great grandparentage I will try to do that.

What do/did you call your grandmother or great grandmother?

Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :

BL, my own Nana was an unpleasant woman and I was turned off that name for life. I am Grandma or G'ma on occasions. Apart from Nana, I have no distinct preferences provided it is polite. My parents ended up as Moo and Foo, both meant affectionately, and Moo was given cow mugs, toaster, placemats etc.

An awkward time here a couple of months ago. Middle son is now divorced and was not looking for anyone. However, he has met a lovely person, utterly different to former DIL. She has two young children 10 and 7 and they were introduced to me and asked what they wanted to call me. They were overwhelmed. I explained the anything so long as it was polite. I really don't care. At the moment they use my name but that embarrasses their mum. I am sure the whole thing will move along from being very good friends and they will probably find another name. The children are not happy with the usual Grandma as I am not their grandma.

[ 30. June 2015, 23:00: Message edited by: Lothlorien ]

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

I can't get the picture of a Newfoundland out of my mind when I hear people referring to a grandmother as 'Nana'.

My grandmothers were known as Grandma and Grandmama; the greats were Granny and Granny-G.

My children called my mother Grandma and her husband (not my father) was Boppa.

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:

An awkward time here a couple of months ago. Middle son is now divorced and was not looking for anyone. However, he has met a lovely person, utterly different to former DIL. She has two young children 10 and 7 and they were introduced to me and asked what they wanted to call me. They were overwhelmed. I explained the anything so long as it was polite. I really don't care. At the moment they use my name but that embarrasses their mum. I am sure the whole thing will move along from being very good friends and they will probably find another name. The children are not happy with the usual Grandma as I am not their grandma.

I have a friend whose grandchildren's friends decided to call her 'Granny Kate'. Seemed to cover everything, really.

[ 02. July 2015, 03:49: Message edited by: Banner Lady ]

Posted by Jemima the 9th (# 15106) on :

My mum was granny to my kids. As to what they need to be able to do - tapdancing. Mum was a keen tapdancer, and both my daughters were learning. It was only months after she died that I found out they all used to practice together in the kitchen when mum had them after school.

Posted by Uncle Pete (# 10422) on :

I have one grandson. Before he was born, other children, of close friends, began to call me Grandpa Pete. By the time my little guy was verbal I was so used to that, I told him what he could call me. Saves a lot of confusion.

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

My grandma had a matchless motorbike ans sidecar which she drove!

When (if) my time comes I want to be called Granny - then I will be Granny Smith.

[Big Grin]

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

And then there are the Nanna songs. Basically, any song that you can sing with your grandchildren (usually in the car on the way to a park or play centre) where the lyrics can be replaced by Na-na-na-na-na...etc.

The Batman theme is the obvious one. Nanna nanna nanna nanna NANNA! We sing many variations of this one, but I would welcome some other suggestions for sanity's sake...

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

Just added the Sister Act version of Joyful Joyful to the Na-na-na-na repertoire. [Big Grin]

Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :

My Gran had so many grandchildren that those who lived near regarded her as a scary strict witch. I only saw her in holidays and Mum warned me not to bother her, so I didn’t. I remember her in a two piece woollen bathing suit (no, NOT a bikini) having a ‘dip’. With failing balance that’s all I can do these days, if someone takes my hand to get me past knee deep. Her family emigrated to New Zealand when she was a child; I know she had a regional accent of some kind and wish I could remember it. She too was devotedly teetotal but when the winter coughs and colds went round she’d tuck into the cough mixture the District Nurse distributed, which was well laced with something alcoholic.
My first grandchild was born in Australia. The first time I went to visit he looked suspiciously at the strange woman his mother had brought from the airport, but when she said ‘This is Gran. If you get a book she’ll read to you,’ our relationship was cemented. Nowadays we do crosswords together on Skype; I keep photocopies and send him originals – he’s pretty good, and it’s a fun way to spend time together. Yes, tricky questions: ‘Gran, is God real?’ – this from a child with an anti-church mother (where did I go wrong?)
His younger sister is waiting for me to make her this year’s dress (using pieces that I’d bought to make dresses for her mother and never got a Round Tuit). They may not be trendy but the cachet is ‘My Gran made it!'
Gran should knit a peggy-square cot blanket for each new grandchild, with child’s name and little embroidered motifs in some of the squares. Child will later show it off proudly at Show and Tell.
My parents were Gran and Grandad, so that’s what we are. Their other grandmother was Nana. One friend preferred to be called by name (Dora) or Grandmama.

GG

Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :

quote:
she too was devotedly teetotal

I love this. As was ex Mr L's grandmother. She fainted once and her daughter in law gave her some brandy. When she came round, she indignantly declared that DIL had watered it down. I often wondered how she knew.

Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:

quote:
she too was devotedly teetotal
I love this. As was ex Mr L's grandmother. She fainted once and her daughter in law gave her some brandy. When she came round, she indignantly declared that DIL had watered it down. I often wondered how she knew.

My two grandmothers were Granny Watkins and Granny Dowlais (that being where she lived!) but I have no idea why. My mother became Grandma P, Mr. S's Grandma N, but I shall be Grandma Susie.

When I was twelve, my parents produced two sons in rapid succession. When looking at picture books with them it soon became clear that they thought all families consisted (say) of Daddy Duck, Mummy Duck and Susie Duck, plus any baby ducks! so although known as Sue I have always been Auntie Susie; Grandma Susie will be a natural progression. [Axe murder]

Mrs. S, looking forward to her new nomenclature [Yipee]

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