Ship of Fools: You just can't offend me.

Thread: You just can't offend me. Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

We tried this once before-- a variation on "Let's Offend", with some practice in positive reframing. Typical set up/ response / supply next set up format.

The set up should be a clear insult- the more specific, the better.

Ex: ( From last round) Did you even bother to brush your hair this morning?

The response should be a self- effacing agreement with a positive spin, a deliberate misinterpretation that avoids the insult, or (bonus points) a reframe of the insult into a compliment.

Ex: (response to above from last round)

[Hot and Hormonal]

He just wouldn't let me out of bed this morning, you know how it is.

Try not to simply return insult for insult, although if you can do it subtly and gracefully, it might work. Your goal is to be the " bigger person."

To kick off: I see it will not be hard for you to be the bigger person. You seem to be the biggest person in the room. Lay off the donuts, willya?

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

Oh, I hope I'm not in your way? I'm trying to train for sumo wrestling so I do have to keep growing, but I'll try not to impinge!

Geeze, do you have to always smell like an unwashed hippopotamus?

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Actually, yes. I am a, um, specimen collector at the zoo, and it is vital that I smell appealing to the hippos. I'm quite popular, actually.

Did you really lose your keys again? What kind of idiot are you?

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :

The kind who goes out and has a good enough time to not be thinking about my keys.
I'll give him a call and see if he found them...

Is that the Daily Mail you're carrying? Nothing like balanced journalism, eh?

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

I like to keep up to date with the scandal so I can discuss it with regular readers. What did you think of today's headline?

The way you always turn the topic of conversation to yourself is pure self absorbtion

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Sorry, it's a habit from being In Program. Rather than advising or lecturiing other people, we are taught merely to share our own journey and life experiences. In this way we can avoid judging other people's choices, mistakes, and weaknesses. Like spelling.

Act your age and stop embarassing yourself on the dance floor.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Thanks for your concern. It certainly would be embarrassing as well as painful to throw out my hip by dancing too vigorously. So I think I'll stick to the Electric Slide with the other boomers.

Good lord! I can't believe you walked outside in those colors!

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

She cares, she cares! I always knew that you were too shy to express your real feelings, sweetheart.

That limp just makes me want to pick you up and cuddle you, hopalong.

Posted by An die Freude (# 14794) on :

I consider it cosmetic surgery. Speaking of which, I know this great surgeon who could do wonders for you! Do you want her number?

You only vote for that party because they'll benefit you personally!

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Well, yes, but being a former army nurse who has come home and now look after my elderly parents, I think I, and others like me, could do with the help more than the capitalists.

You do know you're supposed to park between the lines, not across them, don't you?

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

Yes, but as an ambulance driver who is on duty I park wherever I need to. Now would you please move so I can save your mother.

Do you think you could possibly have a good time without making all the rest of us listen to your drunken antics?

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Alas, you didn't realise that that was a diabetic hypo reaction. But please don't worry, there were enough clued up people around to get me to A&E.

No, please don't imagine for a moment that I'm remaining upright because your breath smells - my arthritis doesn't allow me to bend forward.

[ 07. May 2015, 15:23: Message edited by: jacobsen ]

Posted by Meike (# 3006) on :

Yes, I am a very imaginative person, people notice it all the time. And of course I'm sensitive enough to read between the lines: Perhaps it's a medical condition, you should have it examined.

Is that your new haircut or did you stick your finger in the socket one too many times?

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :

How sweet of you to be concerned, but I don't think it is possible to stick your finger in a socket too many times! You should give it a try!

You don't have the brains that God gave a turnip!

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

You are so right. He gave me the brains of an intelligent human instead. I will leave the turnips to their own.

You didn't vote? So you are stupid, because you have enough complaints about everything. Get out and vote, loser.

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

Ex: ( From last round) Did you even bother to brush your hair this morning?

No, but I brushed my teeth! (drum roll)

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
You are so right. He gave me the brains of an intelligent human instead. I will leave the turnips to their own.

You didn't vote? So you are stupid, because you have enough complaints about everything. Get out and vote, loser.

How could I have voted?! Bloody Hell, I was born in LA!

Is that how your face normally appears or did you swap with a monkey?

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

You know, calling someone a monkey face is a great compliment in Jaipur. Thank you for acknowledging my cleverness and sacredness.

Women of a certain age should not wear sleeveless tops. You really should stick to three quarter sleeve length. Or a burqua.

Posted by Meike (# 3006) on :

Thank you, I do appreciate the advice of sacred old women, but I have no problem to “display my beauty” in public while I’m young.

You have the charm of a dead slug.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

(You're good at this! [Cool]

)

Why yes, my charm is a dead slug. It was handcrafted in a little artist commune in Skylonda, CA, which has adopted the banana slug as its spirit guide. There is a special significance to it being a dead slug (as you cleverly noticed), because this is an amulet to honor one's ancestors that have passed on to the next world. Namaste.

Good God Almighty, do you have to be so LOUD?

[ 08. May 2015, 05:16: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

At last, you heard me! Have you considered renewing your deaf aid batteries?

With feet the size of yours, I'd lay off the bright colours and floral additions.

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

Thanks for the advice, but they're the same size as always. Hmmm...off-kilter size perception, colors, flowers...are you having LSD flashbacks again? Let's get you to the hospital. You don't want a repeat of last time!
[Eek!]

[ 08. May 2015, 07:04: Message edited by: Golden Key ]

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

(Sorry; forgot this part!)

When I die, I don't want you to feel guilty.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

Don't worry, the champagne is already chilling in the fridge, has been for years!

Does being a moral leper turn you on that much?

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Guilt masturbation rocks!

may I say how much I admire the way you cope with being unable to attract a partner?

Posted by Meike (# 3006) on :

I am humbled by your admiration, but really, all credit goes to you: Every time I think of you, it reminds me of why I chose to stay single in the first place.

Your book is so poorly written it isn’t even worth the paper it’s printed on. You are a talentless author.

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

I fear the ebook version makes a lot more sense. I told them that it wasn't made or formatted to be printed, but do they listen to me? Of course not. You'd be amazed how much money we've got from people buying the paper version too. What can you do I guess.

Don't you think we've all noticed how stupid your insults are? Honestly you're not even good at trolling!

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Of course not - I prefer the blunt battleaxe approach, largely because even the most thick skinned can perceive it.

Not your pasta bake again? Pu-lease! If it even tasted of something it wouldn't be so bad, but it's so bland and slimy textured.

Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :

Oh it was no trouble at all! I knew that someone of your age would appreciate a mild dish that wouldn't bring on too much heartburn.

Is that what you're wearing?

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Either this or au natural. So I take it your vote is for the latter?

I really like Suzie. I think I will date her after I am done with you.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

You may have to wait in line. We've got a bet on that she can't get through the other losers in under a month.

No matter how hard you try - and you are very trying - you just don't know how to get it right with the members of this department. People skills - zilch.

Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :

Well, I appreciate you saying that. I didn't like to complain, but it's nice to know you've noticed how hard I have to work to try and lower myself to their level of incompetence.

Like to buy a chance on a comb?

[I only need think of my father in this game.]

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Thanks. Now that you no longer need one, the cat will appreciate it.

Ever thought of having your teeth checked for decomposing matter?

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Ya mama was supposed to do that this morning. I 'll let her know what a crappy job she did tonight.

How you can find anything in that desk is beyond me. It looks like a typhoon hit it.

Posted by Meike (# 3006) on :

Like Albert Einstein said: "Only a small mind keeps order, a genius overlooks the chaos"

Don't you realize that you're the only one laughing? Your jokes aren’t funny or clever and you're just embarrassing.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

My jokes are aimed at the most intelligent person present. Sorry if they're above your head.

You are so unreliable. Don't you ever do what you've promised to do?

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

Oh, you can't hold me to things I said in the past. The past is over and done. This is the future.

Dear god, what is wrong with your skin? You are so incredibly pink. That must hurt! *slap*

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Not a bit. But oh, my God, you are all over black and blue! Does this hurt? * punch*

( in honor of US Mother's Day) You'd have to be a parent to know what I am talking about.

[ 11. May 2015, 15:28: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]

Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :

Have to be? Umm, I think you're overdue for a brutally honest conversation with your wife.

My ancestors were living in cities, while yours were sitting around in caves eating raw animal flesh.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Yes, no one could call us effete city dwellers, like those who have lost touch with the realities of life. You probably thought that milk grew in cartons when you were a child. Or maybe you do still?

Your face is so boring

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

I do find it helps me to blend in with a crowd. Very useful in my very hush-hush government work.

My arse talks more sense than you do

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Oh my goodness! Has your ass made its defense and achieved its PhD? Very impressive! :sigh: That's why I only made my BA- not enough wind in my academic sails.

You are delusional if you think you'll ever look out the windows of your own corner office.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

I certainly hope I am never offered one! I'm not a status conscious climber like some I could name!

Was the comment "Set's himself impossibly low standards, and fails to live up to them" written just for you?

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Well, if they're impossibly low, no-one could live up to them,I'm glad to say, though you've given it a good shot.

Back again? You obviously enjoy our company more than we do yours.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

The study of inferior life forms is something of a hobby of mine; I find you fascinating.

If you and I were the last two people on earth, and the existence of the human race depended on us, I still couldn't so much as bring myself to kiss you.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

At last, something upon which we can agree.

So sorry, I can't testify that you were there that day - as a rule, I never notice you at all.

Posted by Chief of sinners (# 8794) on :

Ok hopefully being unnoticable in a room will work out for the best in court

You use up oxygen that should be reserved for someone with a personality

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Nice to meet you. Did I mention that I'm your new line manager?

How did I find you? Well I just followed the trace odour of unwashed feet, and here you are!

Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :

Well, I guess that explains your perfect resemblance to a bloodhound.

It's people like you who make me reconsider my opposition to eugenics.

[ 13. May 2015, 06:19: Message edited by: Stetson ]

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

I'm so pleased. I thought my book 'Let us All Reconsider our Opposition to Eugenics' had gone out of print in '87 after the newspaper scandal which surrounded my private life. I have made a difference after all.

There is something deeply, deeply wrong with you.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

I could hardly consider it a greater compliment that you consider my genes so threatening that you desire to eliminate them from the gene pool. Natural selection certainly wasn't going to favour yours over mine.

I just got a call from Robert Mugabe. He says he wants you to stand next to him in a photoshoot to make him look like a more reasonable and compassionate person.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

I'll bring my broomstick.

Whatever made you consider that you met the person spec of people skills for this post?

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
I'll bring my broomstick.

Whatever made you consider that you met the person spec of people skills for this post?

The fact that you have paid me to do it for the last 33 years?

There is something deeply, deeply wrong with you.

Posted by Chief of sinners (# 8794) on :

Better deeply wrong than shallow

What does your village do for an idiot now you have moved to the city?

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Are you thinking of applying? You'd be a shoe-in!

You're so tight with money, you make an old Yorkshireman look like Monty Brewster.

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
Are you thinking of applying? You'd be a shoe-in!

You're so tight with money, you make an old Yorkshireman look like Monty Brewster.

That's because I have secretly been saving every spare penny to help an orphan named 'Pip' through a benevolent fund. In order to save his life, I have had to appear to be a miser in society. Only now do I reveal the truth, and that with a heavy heart...

You make my flesh crawl.

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

And with any chance your flesh will learn to walk in time. I know this physical therapy is hard, and I know you resent us for pushing you to do it. But if you don't, you'll never walk.

You're just so emotional. Can't you calm down. You're the problem here. Just don't be so worked up!

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Ah, you cold, detached types have a terrible tendency to implode from your repressed and denied impulses. Instead of projecting your feelings onto me, why don't you seek professional help?

To be or not to be, is, in your case, a no-brainer. Not.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

You're right, it's not a no- brainer. Questions of existence never are. Put down the Descartes once in a while, though, and read Mad. You're coming across a little gloomy, hon.

whoever told you you can write? This is garbage.

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

In the industry it is known as 'Environmental Waste (and Recycling) Trade Weekly'. I have been writing for the publication for 14 years now and before you ask, yes, we have been on 'Have I Got News For You'. I make £100,000 a year as editor.

You have a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Ok, I know that was supposed to be an insult, but my God, what a wonderful image. Flannery O'Connor could have written that. I am gonna print out that post and paste it to my wall. I may even try to make a watercolor rendition of that poor bulldog, but I am sure I won't do it justice. Care to model?

You are so ugly I could shove your face in a pile of dough and make gorilla cookies.

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

Well, we certainly do have different styles of makeup. I guess that just shows it takes all kinds.

Every time you blow your nose, the ships at sea sound their horns in response! (Actually said by my grandmother to me as a sick child.)

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

( [Mad]

)

Oh, I'm so sorry, Grandma, I'm trying so hard to...to..
(Leans over and delivers rapid fire series of sneezes directly into Grandma's face, preferably with projectiles.)

your dumb friend made valedictorian. Why didn't you?

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

Actually, my dear friend made a Victorian-style sculpture in the master class she teaches.

And I graduated last year--summa cum laude AND valedictorian.

What was that you brought to the potluck lunch? Everyone else's was made from scratch. Yours looked like you just picked it up at the supermarket on the way there.

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

1. Everyone else brought quiche.

2. I supply a range of budget sandwiches to a number of supermarkets (also Wilko and Poundland). I simply did not have the time to make another set of sandwiches so popped into Aldi and bought the cheese and tomato sandwiches which I had already paid someone the minimum wage to produce.

3. At least it's not quiche.

You are controlled by Satan.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

Yes, I know, isn't it wonderful? Because of that I can't be blamed for anything, it's all Satan's fault!

[b]You call this stuff food? It's inedible!

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

No, I call it a spare tyre. I noticed yours was flat so I was giving you mine so as to avoid a late night call out to the AA.

I would put a circle around every error in this piece of work, but there isn't enough ink left in my pen after expending most of it on your last effort.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

You could try coming prepared - it's a good technique for those, like you, who wish to aspire to jobs like mine.

Darling, I do feel that the party would go better if you freshened up a little. Or even a lot. First door on the right, upstairs.

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

You're right sweetheart, but you had better use the bathroom first as the lovemaking did get rather sweaty and intense.

You're either a doormat, a doormouse or dormant.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Dominatrix, actually, my dear. Now kneel!

I've met corpses with more charisma than you.

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

They say that sort of insult to lots of strong intelligent women. Rather than worry about it, I'd rather study some of the secrets of the world in my lab. You are right though I'm not into makeup, fussy clothes, or looking weak. Or tolerating fools, and on that note...

Look like that? No wonder you can't find a job!

[ 15. May 2015, 14:59: Message edited by: Gwai ]

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Self employed, sweetie, as a jobbing actor. This month I'm a beggar in a rather well-paid costume drama.

What would it take to make you the ultimate boss? Your resignation.

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

(Tangent.)

quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Yes, I know, isn't it wonderful? Because of that I can't be blamed for anything, it's all Satan's fault!

Shades of Geraldine, and "the devil made me do it". [Smile]

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

I've got a cue-card from one of Flip's programmes featuring Leslie Uggams as guest star. I was a big fan and visited the studio in LA as a teenager.

Posted by Alyosha (# 18395) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
Self employed, sweetie, as a jobbing actor. This month I'm a beggar in a rather well-paid costume drama.

What would it take to make you the ultimate boss? Your resignation.

I, Sepp, will listen and do it for the good of FIFA and football in general. All this time I have been a man of integrity and love - and now my true colours are revealed.

You are devoid of all imagination, like a barren wasteland.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

My soul is open to the voice divine, unlike those whose sole aim in life is to insult rather than reflect.

I knew it was you as soon as I smelt your feet coming down the corridor.

Posted by argona (# 14037) on :

You're an angel, having the courage to tell me. I never knew! Let me give you something. Do you like these socks?

[B}What's that rattling sound when you shake your head?[/B]

Posted by argona (# 14037) on :

It's been so long, clearly I need a refresher in coding [Frown]

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

Yes there is, but my brokenness has been healed by Jesus the Lord. Why not cast aside your self-important insecurity and let Him into your heart?

The length of your toenails reminds me of Nebuchadnezzar. I expect he also had similar malodorous grime-induced sores between his toes

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