quote:

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Originally posted by Palimpsest:
My mother the school teacher was happy to tell the time her less than impressive principal made a P.A. statement warning students not to conjugate in the halls.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:

There were also "pastors of salivation" (read: "pastures of salvation").

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Despite my teenage snickering and mocking, my grandmother never dropped the habit of referring to "The Salivation Army."
 

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Posted by M. (# 3291) on :
 
I think I've mentioned on board before the standard-form contract I reviewed which promised ex-pat workers housing with sewage.

M.
 

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Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
I once telephoned someone with an urgent message that he needed to check the spelling of the job he'd posted online.

While plenty of people think theirs is, I'm reasonably certain he didn't mean to advertise for an Acocunt Manager.

AG
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
I was emailing a friend yesterday about a mutual acquaintance who has just got engaged. I asked if she had met the young man in question.

"Yes", she replied, "he's a locket guy". This conjured up all sorts of bizarre images in my mind - sadly, it was the predictive text on her phone speaking for her. She'd meant to say, "He's a lovely guy"!
 

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Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
...and for the umpteenth time I'll drag out the hoary old chestnut about the spellchecker that insisted I wanted to turn "Latvia" into "labia"... in an essay about Latvia!

AG
 

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Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
The proximity of the U and I on a standard keyboard is the source of many a typo.

For example, when issuing an announcement that, due to a UK bank holiday we would not be working on a particular day I recall sending an email that said something like:

"Please note the office will be shit on Monday..."
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
I still remember with amusement the Ash Wednesday bulletin encouraging us to prepent.

Actually, that's not a bad idea, is it?

O Lord, I'm so sorry for this sin that I'm thinking about committing tomorrow. Amen.
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
In my last job for years we employed a retired headteacher, who once ran a school in the Toxteth area of Liverpool, to do race equality training and she knew her stuff but insisted on using the word pacific when she really meant specific - it drove me scatty!

Eventually we rewrote the programme and delivered it ourselves.

And then, of course, there is the famous misprint of the daily bulletin at the 1976 Quaker Yearly Meeting in Exeter that referred to The Religious Society of Fiends!
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
A friend picked up her ordination invitations from the print shop and was startled to find she was being ordained into the "Scared Order of Deacons."

 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
A friend picked up her ordination invitations from the print shop and was startled to find she was being ordained into the "Scared Order of Deacons."

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What makes you think it was a typo?

When I was in law school, our law review published an article by a learned judge encouraging more "pubic service."

And, years later, a colleague discovered to his embarrassment that, when he was asking for a hearing date to be continued, he had filed a "Motion for Continence."
 

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Posted by Bene Gesserit (# 14718) on :
 
The spellchecker at w*rk always replaces the first 'e' in 'wellies' with an 'i'.

We have more than once been implored to make sure that our willies are clean when we return from a site visit...
 

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Posted by Stetson (# 9597) on :
 
I once met a guy who went on a big rant about drug dealers, and how they should be "persecuted" for their crimes. When I asked if he meant "prosecuted", he corrected himself, and said that that was indeed what he meant.

Wouldn't be that funny a story, except that the guy also claimed to be a lawyer.
 

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Posted by Badger Lady (# 13453) on :
 
The Midnight Mass booklet at my mother's old church contained the following line of the final verse if O come all Ye Faithful [best imagined sung at full pelt with sopranos soaring/screeching the descent]

"Sin choirs of Angels..."
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
In the service leaflet of a University carol service in Southampton many years ago: "All meanly wrapped in Swaythling bands, and in a manger laid" (Swaythling is a city suburb close to the University, where several halls of residence are situated). This was long before the days of predictive texting and spellcheckers!
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
I got into huge trouble for missing a typo in a national magazine where one of the Great and the Good was discussing action in the pubic square...
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
The Daily Telegraph published an obituary of a very brave and distinguished Army officer but unfortunately described him as a "Battle-scared" veteran. That was clearly an error so in the errata next day Major ***** was described as a "Bottle-scarred" veteran.

Not a lot better, but I suppose that could have been true, given the high jinks in the typical Officers' Mess.

The most unfortunate predictive text suggestion must be for a now retired co-worker named "Samhan", whose name was transformed by Outlook to "Sadism".
 

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Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :
 
I heard that a local councillor referred to "this splendid orifice" when opening the new comprehensive school in our town around 40 years ago. Having gone to that school, "orifice" might have been the correct description.

(Another local councillor, again about 40 years ago, was waxing lyrical about the beauties of a local pond. Another councillor, tongue in cheek, suggested that there be a gondola on the pond. The first councillor picked up on this, and suggested that there should be two as they might breed.)
 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
I was watching the local TV news, some years ago. It was August and they were having a scare about the Listeria bacterium, which had infested the local waterways and was causing ugly lesions on fish. Lots of nasty footage of oozy trout on the lines of worried local fishermen.
Anyway the local news anchors were clearly reading the breaking copy as it was being keyed into their screens. Over and over they said, "Dangerous micro-orgasms in local waters!" "Can fish infected with these micro-orgasms be safely eaten?" "Local authorities comment upon lethal micro-orgasms, footage at 11!"
My husband and I almost rolled on the carpet, laughing, and the kids thought we were mad.
 

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Posted by Sarasa (# 12271) on :
 
I've just written to someone at work thanking him for being a 'good lie manager' this year.
 

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Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on :
 
Writing a service program in my very limited Spanish, I wrote in the confession "We are not sorry for our sins." When it came time for the service there were some startled looks and everyone stopped praying.
 

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Posted by Jengie jon (# 273) on :
 
I think there is a word missing from the packaging that the latest RSPB magazine comes in. It says:

quote:

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Together we could double the homes that nature needs

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quote:

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Originally posted by Dafyd:
I'm surprised we haven't yet had the Greenbelt eucharist at which we sang praying for an end to poverty, Some day soon there'll be fields for the poo.

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Isn't Greenbelt held at a racecourse? There must be plenty of fields of poo therabouts.
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
One of the former secretaries at my church was unchurched. She carried on remarkably well until the first time she typed The Apostle's Creed to be shown on the big screen (which covers the organ chambers, but that's another subject.)

When she came to the line, "I believe in the holy catholic church", she thought it was a suggestion. So, the congregation dutifully read, "I believe in the holy Methodist church", including the pastor who looked at me in horror.

From then on, she let me proof most of her documents.
 

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Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :
 
Spell check may be responsible for a Venerable becoming Venereal, or at least that's what we charitably thought.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
Spell check may be responsible for a Venerable becoming Venereal, or at least that's what we charitably thought.

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Would that be referring to an Archdemon?

 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
There's a fairly well-documented story of the order of service for something important at St. Paul's or Westminster Abbey or similar, where one of the hymns was listed as "Immoral, invisible, God only wise".

Not to mention the Wicked Bible, in which the word "not" was left out of the sentence Thou shalt not commit adultery ...
 

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Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
We've seen lots of coverage of the New Horizons probe to the not-planet Pluto. Thrilling stuff.

Along for the ride is a sample of the ashes of Pluto's discoverer, Clyde Tombaugh.

The inscription on the canister begins,

"Interned herein are remains of American Clyde W. Tombaugh...", which isn't quite what they meant.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
The week after our church bulletin announced a general conference (global) United Methodist vote where the conference had just barely voted that there was not a disagreement about the matter of homosexuality, the bulletin declared us the Untied Methodist Church. Some of us who were frustrated about the vote (whether or not we should disagree, clearly we do) quite agreed.
 

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Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 
The last church we attended was quite theologically conservative, but any closet sceptics in our midst would have been pleased with a home-produced hymn sheet from which we sang about the crucifiction.
 

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Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
I loved the 'shining thong' of angels we sang about at a Scout Carol Service a few years ago!

On the Telegraph website - 'Striking French ferry workers mutiny on ship by looting the bar and spraying graffiti over job losses'. I think they could have sold tickets - I've never seen anything sprayed over a job loss, have you?

Mrs S, snickering
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
I wondered about that one in the Torygraph, Mrs. S!
 

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Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
The last church we attended was quite theologically conservative, but any closet sceptics in our midst would have been pleased with a home-produced hymn sheet from which we sang about the crucifiction.

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quote:

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Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
Our church once had a service of Evensnog.

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Before or after Matings?
 

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Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
I am she who once, on this very page, posted a recipe which included "two egg shites".
 

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Posted by Chocoholic (# 4655) on :
 
Yesterday I wrote a letter saying a someone was experiencing light-headedness, a slight typo made my spell checker try to change it to big-headedness. That could have been awkward.
 

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Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :
 
In the last paragraph of this online newspaper article (http://thenewdaily.com.au/news/2015/07/17/prince-philip-who-do-you-sponge-off/) you can read some startling news: "Prince Philip, the oldest-ever member of the British royal family, married Queen Victoria (who is his third cousin) in 1947." (I quoted it in case someone corrects the original....)
 

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Posted by not entirely me (# 17637) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Bene Gesserit:
The spellchecker at w*rk always replaces the first 'e' in 'wellies' with an 'i'.

We have more than once been implored to make sure that our willies are clean when we return from a site visit...

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quote:

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Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
Our church once had a service of Evensnog.

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This has made my day!!!!
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Happened not to me but a friend - and I've seen the offending Order of Service.

Lovely but impoverished young couple, for whom English was not their first language, got married in one of our larger churches and the priest who took the service offered to sing while they were signing the registers (which was being supervised by the 'registrar' priest).

Young organist plays intro and waits for soloist to sing - nothing; works his way round to the beginning again, plays intro and - nothing. A member of the choir goes to investigate and finds the singing priest helpless with mirth in a side aisle; using sign language manages to ascertain he'll be ready to sing in around 5 minutes.

Music goes around again after 5 minutes and, after a somewhat shaky start, the priest sings beautifully and all is well.

So what happened? Well, just before he was due to sing he thought he'd better hold something and so grabbed a copy of the Order of Service where he read during the signing of the registers Fr Pat will sing Penis Angelicus.

Well, could YOU manage to sing after that??
 

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Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
These gems are from a bulletin, yes one single bulletin from around Christmas Time. I used to play there, being in need of some kind of income:

• I came upon the midnight clear
• I wander as I wander
• ...tow young pigones
• Away in a manager
• ...on these elements of bread and juice

quote:

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Originally posted by not entirely me:

quote:

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Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
Our church once had a service of Evensnog.

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This has made my day!!!!

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quote:

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Originally posted by L'organist:
Well, just before he was due to sing he thought he'd better hold something and so grabbed a copy of the Order of Service where he read during the signing of the registers Fr Pat will sing Penis Angelicus.

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quote:

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Originally posted by not entirely me:

quote:

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Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
Our church once had a service of Evensnog.

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This has made my day!!!!

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quote:

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Originally posted by MSHB:
... "Prince Philip, the oldest-ever member of the British royal family, married Queen Victoria (who is his third cousin) in 1947." (I quoted it in case someone corrects the original....)

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I clicked on the link - it's still there!


 

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Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
I sent a text recently, after a friend and I had bought twelve bottles of alcohol online. We bought crema.

My text autocorrected thus....
"Dear Jane, your six crematorium arrived today. Can you or Tom pick them up. Love Rowen."

Tom read the message, and was apparently massively confused.
Understandably.

[ 20. July 2015, 03:08: Message edited by: Rowen ]
 

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Posted by TonyK (# 35) on :
 
While creating a service sheet for Evensong (properly spelt!) a previous vicar included a rubric to the effect that:

'The collection will be taken and presented by the congregation'

Unfortunately he omitted the letter 'p'...
 

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Posted by Yangtze (# 4965) on :
 
My favourite was not a typo but a mis-read: congregation member reading from Genesis...

The spirit of God was hoovering over the waters....
 

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Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Years ago, my then parish had a note in the bulletin telling us that the Lenten Array was of unbleached muslim.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by basso:
Years ago, my then parish had a note in the bulletin telling us that the Lenten Array was of unbleached muslim.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Yangtze:
My favourite was not a typo but a mis-read: congregation member reading from Genesis...

The spirit of God was hoovering over the waters....

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quote:

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Mary said to the angel, ‘How can this be, since I am no virgin?’

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Probably more accurate than the orthodox view.
 

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Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on :
 
I think I may have mentioned this one on the Ship before but it still makes me smile to remember when my company was looking for a cleaner we got loads of CVs where the applicant had experience at "hovering". Sometimes auto-correct is not your friend.

Edited to correct spelling. Preview Post is always your friend but you do have to use it properly.

[ 23. July 2015, 12:20: Message edited by: The Rogue ]
 

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Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on :
 
Then there's the Adrian Plass story of the Sunday School kids doing a presentation to the church about their lessons from Titus, in which five of them are supposed to hold up cards spelling out Titus, but the one holding up the U has slipped out for a pee.

Yeah, well it ought to be true.....
 

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Posted by mark_in_manchester (# 15978) on :
 
Not exactly a typo - but when I was teaching, I got tired of groping my way through documents with piles of miscellaneous attachments for data, code etc. I decided to insist on submissions in the form of 'one Word document'.

I may have used a lower-case 'w'; one wag emailed to say that he had got his submission down to two words, so would it be OK if he hyphenated them?
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by The Rogue:
I think I may have mentioned this one on the Ship before but it still makes me smile to remember when my company was looking for a cleaner we got loads of CVs where the applicant had experience at "hovering".

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quote:

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Originally posted by Palimpsest:
My mother the school teacher was happy to tell the time her less than impressive principal made a P.A. statement warning students not to conjugate in the halls.

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quote:

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A new report shows that sexually active women have a much better chance of getting pregnant than those who remain abstinent, a press release from Eurekalert reports.

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