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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Describe Heck
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HCH
Shipmate
# 14313
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Posted
A saying I have heard (and possibly invented) is: "If you don't believe in Gosh, you're going to be darned to Heck."
What is Heck like? I have a few notions:
--- The color scheme is full of beiges and grays.
--- The background music is nonstop top 40 easy listening music. The selection changes but never improves.
--- None of the mustard is sharp.
--- All of the beer is near beer.
--- You can't get a pair of shoes that actually fit.
--- You can't feel really happy, sad or angry.
If you're lucky, you wake up and it was a dream.
What do you think?
Posts: 1540 | From: Illinois, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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Adeodatus
Shipmate
# 4992
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by HCH:
--- None of the mustard is sharp.
--- All of the beer is near beer.
Stop it, you're scaring me!
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"What is broken, repair with gold."
Posts: 9779 | From: Manchester | Registered: Sep 2003
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Top speed on all highways is 35 mph, and all cars are equipped with governors to prevent them going faster than that.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081
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Posted
It all sounds suspiciously like the grey town in CS Lewis' The Great Divorce...
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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy
Posts: 17944 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
... in short, it's a kind of feast of banality, mediocrity and general indifference. The newsagents are always just out of the newspaper you really want, but still have a few copies of the Daily Sport and a pile of the local paper left. At the supermarket you look in vain for a trolley that doesn't squeak and goes in a straight line, and then for the brands you were searching for. The only remaining tins are bashed and the fresh food has today's expiry date on it. The cheese section consists of 24 different brands of mild Cheddar and not much else, and there is no dark chocolate.
It's suburbia all the way, you muse glumly as you climb into your grey Ford Escort and set off home, getting stuck in traffic jams, roadworks and diversions while running out of petrol again.
And when you get home, next door's cat has visited your garden and left its calling card, and the binmen haven't been, again.
And so it goes until the moment when as you get ready for bed, you draw your ageing discount-shop curtains and accidentally tear them, so the street light shines in for the rest of the night, although thanks to a U-shaped mattress with the odd spring poking up in it, and your neighbours shouting at each other, you are already awake anyway.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291
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Posted
It's like being in a train stuck in a tunnel, sitting between someone who is sniffing and someone whose music you can hear through their headphones (which would be all of them).
M.
Posts: 2303 | From: Lurking in Surrey | Registered: Sep 2002
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
"Shine Jesus Shine" is played every week in every church. By order.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
It's always a cold, dull day in late March. Nothing is in leaf yet and the few Spring flowers have thought better of it and died. Not that you would want to linger in the draughty wastes of 'landscaping' that pass for recreational space, what with the risk of being scythed down by baggy-arsed skateboarders hurtling between the vandalised street furniture.
Wildlife is represented by pigeons and gulls, attracted by the terracotta scatterings from rubbish sacks gnawed open by foxes. At least, you hope it was foxes.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by HCH:
--- All of the beer is near beer.
And all of the pasta is gluten free.
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
You live in an unfashionable suburb, with not quite enough money to cope. You commute to a middle-level job in London, where your entire role seems to be meaningless.
You own a 3 year old Ford Focus, are married to an average wife, with 2 kids, who achieve B-grades at school. You go to a MoR CofR church, where the sermons tell you to be good, the music tells you that Val Doonican is probably still alive, and the coffee makes you wonder what happens to the ashes of those cremated.
The worst of all is that you are happy in this situation.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
All the pubs in town are Wetherspoon's.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
You don't realise that this is only one of several more interesting alternative realities.
You exist in an inertia of acceptance.
AND
All the bread is Mighty White
How did this thread land in Heaven? Surely Hell or the Circus.... not that I want to junior host at all, at all.
[ 05. October 2015, 19:59: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Ćbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
"Shine Jesus Shine" is played every week in every church. By order.
No, that's Hell, not Heck.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
Heck is the place of gated communities, of long gravel drives which sweep between pristine lawns to houses with mock Tudor beams with none of the charm of real Tudor, and a 4x4 vehicle that has never been off road parked outside. Heck is centrally heated and triple glazed. Heck is what the glossy magazines say we should aspire to.
And they are wrong. very wrong. These communities are the heart of mediocracy. Because all of these things separate people, Heck keeps people apart, stops people from getting to know each other. Heck separates, It encourages looking down on people that are not like us, especially if they have a funny accent. The theme song of Heck is Sinatra's My Way. Heck is where the self made man retires to.
Hang on. What I said above is not Heck. What I have said above is actually Hell. The very deepest circle of Hell.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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HCH
Shipmate
# 14313
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Posted
Remember, this is not Hell. It is merely Heck, part way to Hell. Conditions could be worse. No, you are not happy; you may be content in an unreflective way.
Posts: 1540 | From: Illinois, USA | Registered: Nov 2008
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Jammy Dodger
Half jam, half biscuit
# 17872
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Posted
There's a guy called Phil who wanders around carrying a big spoon and prefers the moniker "The Prince of Insufficient Light"
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Look at my eye twitching - Donkey from Shrek
Posts: 438 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013
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Amos
Shipmate
# 44
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Posted
It's a bit 'Meh.'
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At the end of the day we face our Maker alongside Jesus--ken
Posts: 7667 | From: Summerisle | Registered: May 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
You go to a MoR CofR church, where the sermons tell you to be good, the music tells you that Val Doonican is probably still alive, and the coffee makes you wonder what happens to the ashes of those cremated.
And they celebrate in street clothes, never use incense, and don't have candles.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck I take it?
What is Heck, as a place like? Well, at the moment rather smelly - the Environment Agency are investigating the noxious odour from the landfill site that makes up most of the village (population c200) near Selby.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
The air is filled with the mutterings of complaint about the several dozens rotas that the church busybody has put together in the hope that all will praise him for his time-sacrifice and organisational skills.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Higgs Bosun
Shipmate
# 16582
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jammy Dodger:
There's a guy called Phil who wanders around carrying a big spoon and prefers the moniker "The Prince of Insufficient Light"
For those who do not know the reference: Phil, the Prince of Heck
Posts: 313 | From: Near the Tidal Thames | Registered: Aug 2011
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck* I take it?
Or a contraction of 'By Hecat' ('Hecate' was for a long time bisyllabic in English')
*in moments of high emotion I shall take to shouting 'Full!'
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck I take it?
What is Heck, as a place like? Well, at the moment rather smelly - the Environment Agency are investigating the noxious odour from the landfill site that makes up most of the village (population c200) near Selby.
Great Heck - and it's pretty hellish at the moment!
We have used 'heck' since I was a small child. But not as a place, as a replacement for 'fuck' - eg "What the heck are you doing?"
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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balaam
Making an ass of myself
# 4543
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
It's a bit 'Meh.'
It's like 'Meh.' But without the fun.
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Last ever sig ...
blog
Posts: 9049 | From: Hen Ogledd | Registered: May 2003
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Jack o' the Green
Shipmate
# 11091
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Posted
Heck is when you wake up knowing its Saturday, but then realising you have paperwork you need to complete before Monday.
Posts: 3121 | From: Lancashire, England | Registered: Feb 2006
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
And your internet connection is on the blink.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Ćbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Wild Organist
Apprentice
# 12631
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Posted
Every one of these replies sounds like my life - what did I do wrong, and how come I still have access to SoF - the little bit of sanity?
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Be very careful what you wish for. You might just get it.
Posts: 50 | From: West Sussex | Registered: May 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
... The cheese section consists of 24 different brands of mild Cheddar and not much else ...
I'm there already - you've just described our local supermarkets. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.
There's worse. Mellow Tu^h^hBirds
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
"Your call is important to us. Please wait and an agent will be with you shortly" all to a continuously recycling tune that isn't quite recognisable.
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
Watching the bowls world championship whilst not caring that you've spilled lukewarm chicken soup on your brown corduroy trousers.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.
The thought also crossed my mind that if that's only Heck what in the name of all that is Holy do you imagine Hell is like? [gets down on knees at the terrifying prospect]
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Alaric the Goth
Shipmate
# 511
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Posted
'Heck' is when you're at home out of work looking at it rain heavily outside, your loved one is at work and your sons, that you haven't seen for nearly two weeks, are at school. You are thinking of applying for internal audit jobs, having thought you had escaped, and you have niggling toothache and can't see the dentist till Tuesday, when he will charge a ridiculous amount to replace at least one filling. Oh wait that's 'today' not Heck'.
Posts: 3322 | From: West Thriding | Registered: Jun 2001
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Alaric the Goth:
'Heck' is when you're at home out of work looking at it rain heavily outside, your loved one is at work and your sons, that you haven't seen for nearly two weeks, are at school. You are thinking of applying for internal audit jobs, having thought you had escaped, and you have niggling toothache and can't see the dentist till Tuesday, when he will charge a ridiculous amount to replace at least one filling. Oh wait that's 'today' not Heck'.
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
"Shine Jesus Shine" is played every week in every church. By order.
Nope. That is either torture or pleasure. Heck would choose something more banal and forgettable as compulsory such as O let us remember the joys of the town (first one when you scroll down). Only it would be extended to umpteen verses all of which were tediously similar. The net result would be that while you seem to be singing nothing over and over again it would also be slightly unfamiliar.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
Good point Jengie. I've never met that one, or the one below, 'Dainty wee Daisy'. With hymns like that, it's not surprising so many of my generation gave up on Christianity.
Going back to Heck, though, they sing the hymn of the late Fred Kaan in Heck.
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
"Your call is important to us. Please wait and an agent will be with you shortly" all to a continuously recycling tune that isn't quite recognisable.
Or music that you do recognise being murdered by a voice interrupting it every five seconds to say, “Your call is important to us. Please hold the line,” and then going back to the beginning of the track again.
(What did Chopin’s Nocturne do to deserve the treatment I heard it given this morning?)
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.
The thought also crossed my mind that if that's only Heck what in the name of all that is Holy do you imagine Hell is like? [gets down on knees at the terrifying prospect]
Well, I was once given a drink made from cheap instant coffee granules topped up with tea from the teapot.
Why yes, it was after a church service, how did you guess? It was made by a very dear elderly lady, and I couldn't bear to upset her so I drank it.
Probably still only Heck though, because I wasn't expecting anything that was recognisably coffee, and it was made with love.
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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Dal Segno
al Fine
# 14673
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Posted
An awful lot of this sounds like suburban Britain today.
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Yet ever and anon a trumpet sounds
Posts: 1200 | From: Pacific's triple star | Registered: Mar 2009
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
All the radio stations play Sam Smith, Bruno Mars, Justin Bieber, and other such crap.
Hell, of course, is where the it is just Bruno Mars.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
You pop into a cafe and sit at a dirty table with a wonky leg. The place is crowded and it's all that's left, next to a family with two screaming children who have just had a food fight and are still partly covered in jam and cream, chasing each other round the table and grabbing stickily at your chair (and you) for support.
Twenty minutes later someone comes to take your order, although your first, second and third choices aren't available today. You settle for a nice cup of tea where, to save time, the teabag has been microwaved in a cup of hot water and milk. Your pastry, which is some kind of Eccles cake, is coming up for its anniversary. You manage to prise it open with a knife, shattering fragments of rock-hard pastry everywhere, to find a massive air bubble inside and a thin dark smear of something with hard black lumps studded on the base, which possibly used to be some kind of fruit and raisin filling but is now likely of interest only to an archaeologist.
As you get up and go to pay you learn that the card machine isn't working and the woman behind the till says she doesn't have enough change for your tenner.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Heck is where life after death does happen, but the atheists are right.
[ 07. October 2015, 18:35: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
The Proms consists of the Classic FM repertoire.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
I've never heard this saying. Where is it used?
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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