Ship of Fools: Describe Heck

Thread: Describe Heck Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by HCH (# 14313) on :

A saying I have heard (and possibly invented) is: "If you don't believe in Gosh, you're going to be darned to Heck."

What is Heck like? I have a few notions:

--- The color scheme is full of beiges and grays.

--- The background music is nonstop top 40 easy listening music. The selection changes but never improves.

--- None of the mustard is sharp.

--- All of the beer is near beer.

--- You can't get a pair of shoes that actually fit.

--- You can't feel really happy, sad or angry.

If you're lucky, you wake up and it was a dream.

What do you think?

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :

quote:
Originally posted by HCH:
--- None of the mustard is sharp.

--- All of the beer is near beer.

Stop it, you're scaring me!

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

Top speed on all highways is 35 mph, and all cars are equipped with governors to prevent them going faster than that.

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :

It all sounds suspiciously like the grey town in CS Lewis' The Great Divorce...

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Sounds like you're describing Luton.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

... in short, it's a kind of feast of banality, mediocrity and general indifference. The newsagents are always just out of the newspaper you really want, but still have a few copies of the Daily Sport and a pile of the local paper left. At the supermarket you look in vain for a trolley that doesn't squeak and goes in a straight line, and then for the brands you were searching for. The only remaining tins are bashed and the fresh food has today's expiry date on it. The cheese section consists of 24 different brands of mild Cheddar and not much else, and there is no dark chocolate.

It's suburbia all the way, you muse glumly as you climb into your grey Ford Escort and set off home, getting stuck in traffic jams, roadworks and diversions while running out of petrol again.

And when you get home, next door's cat has visited your garden and left its calling card, and the binmen haven't been, again.

And so it goes until the moment when as you get ready for bed, you draw your ageing discount-shop curtains and accidentally tear them, so the street light shines in for the rest of the night, although thanks to a U-shaped mattress with the odd spring poking up in it, and your neighbours shouting at each other, you are already awake anyway.

Posted by M. (# 3291) on :

It's like being in a train stuck in a tunnel, sitting between someone who is sniffing and someone whose music you can hear through their headphones (which would be all of them).

M.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

quote:
Originally posted by HCH:
All of the beer is near beer.

I don't know: the beer sounds half-decent (but I'm not one to judge as I don't like the stuff!)

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

"Shine Jesus Shine" is played every week in every church. By order.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

It's always a cold, dull day in late March. Nothing is in leaf yet and the few Spring flowers have thought better of it and died. Not that you would want to linger in the draughty wastes of 'landscaping' that pass for recreational space, what with the risk of being scythed down by baggy-arsed skateboarders hurtling between the vandalised street furniture.

Wildlife is represented by pigeons and gulls, attracted by the terracotta scatterings from rubbish sacks gnawed open by foxes. At least, you hope it was foxes.

Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :

quote:
Originally posted by HCH:

--- All of the beer is near beer.

And all of the pasta is gluten free.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

You live in an unfashionable suburb, with not quite enough money to cope. You commute to a middle-level job in London, where your entire role seems to be meaningless.

You own a 3 year old Ford Focus, are married to an average wife, with 2 kids, who achieve B-grades at school. You go to a MoR CofR church, where the sermons tell you to be good, the music tells you that Val Doonican is probably still alive, and the coffee makes you wonder what happens to the ashes of those cremated.

The worst of all is that you are happy in this situation.

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

All the pubs in town are Wetherspoon's.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

You don't realise that this is only one of several more interesting alternative realities.

You exist in an inertia of acceptance.

AND

All the bread is Mighty White

How did this thread land in Heaven? Surely Hell or the Circus.... not that I want to junior host at all, at all.

[ 05. October 2015, 19:59: Message edited by: jacobsen ]

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
"Shine Jesus Shine" is played every week in every church. By order.

No, that's Hell, not Heck.

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

Heck is the place of gated communities, of long gravel drives which sweep between pristine lawns to houses with mock Tudor beams with none of the charm of real Tudor, and a 4x4 vehicle that has never been off road parked outside. Heck is centrally heated and triple glazed. Heck is what the glossy magazines say we should aspire to.

And they are wrong. very wrong. These communities are the heart of mediocracy. Because all of these things separate people, Heck keeps people apart, stops people from getting to know each other. Heck separates, It encourages looking down on people that are not like us, especially if they have a funny accent. The theme song of Heck is Sinatra's My Way. Heck is where the self made man retires to.

Hang on. What I said above is not Heck. What I have said above is actually Hell. The very deepest circle of Hell.

Posted by HCH (# 14313) on :

Remember, this is not Hell. It is merely Heck, part way to Hell. Conditions could be worse. No, you are not happy; you may be content in an unreflective way.

Posted by Jammy Dodger (# 17872) on :

There's a guy called Phil who wanders around carrying a big spoon and prefers the moniker "The Prince of Insufficient Light"

Posted by Amos (# 44) on :

It's a bit 'Meh.'

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
You go to a MoR CofR church, where the sermons tell you to be good, the music tells you that Val Doonican is probably still alive, and the coffee makes you wonder what happens to the ashes of those cremated.

And they celebrate in street clothes, never use incense, and don't have candles.

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck I take it?

What is Heck, as a place like? Well, at the moment rather smelly - the Environment Agency are investigating the noxious odour from the landfill site that makes up most of the village (population c200) near Selby.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

The air is filled with the mutterings of complaint about the several dozens rotas that the church busybody has put together in the hope that all will praise him for his time-sacrifice and organisational skills.

Posted by Snags (# 15351) on :

quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck I take it?

Bzzzt!

Posted by Higgs Bosun (# 16582) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Jammy Dodger:
There's a guy called Phil who wanders around carrying a big spoon and prefers the moniker "The Prince of Insufficient Light"

For those who do not know the reference: Phil, the Prince of Heck

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck* I take it?

Or a contraction of 'By Hecat' ('Hecate' was for a long time bisyllabic in English')

*in moments of high emotion I shall take to shouting 'Full!'

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
1. You are all aware that "heck" is a fusion of the words hell and fuck I take it?

What is Heck, as a place like? Well, at the moment rather smelly - the Environment Agency are investigating the noxious odour from the landfill site that makes up most of the village (population c200) near Selby.

Great Heck - and it's pretty hellish at the moment!

We have used 'heck' since I was a small child. But not as a place, as a replacement for 'fuck' - eg "What the heck are you doing?"

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
It's a bit 'Meh.'

It's like 'Meh.' But without the fun.

Posted by Jack o' the Green (# 11091) on :

Heck is when you wake up knowing its Saturday, but then realising you have paperwork you need to complete before Monday.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

And your internet connection is on the blink.

Posted by Wild Organist (# 12631) on :

Every one of these replies sounds like my life - what did I do wrong, and how come I still have access to SoF - the little bit of sanity?

Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
... The cheese section consists of 24 different brands of mild Cheddar and not much else ...

I'm there already - you've just described our local supermarkets. [Frown]

Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :

All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.

Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.

There's worse. Mellow Tu^h^hBirds

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

"Your call is important to us. Please wait and an agent will be with you shortly" all to a continuously recycling tune that isn't quite recognisable.

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :

Watching the bowls world championship whilst not caring that you've spilled lukewarm chicken soup on your brown corduroy trousers.

Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.

The thought also crossed my mind that if that's only Heck what in the name of all that is Holy do you imagine Hell is like? [gets down on knees at the terrifying prospect]

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :

'Heck' is when you're at home out of work looking at it rain heavily outside, your loved one is at work and your sons, that you haven't seen for nearly two weeks, are at school. You are thinking of applying for internal audit jobs, having thought you had escaped, and you have niggling toothache and can't see the dentist till Tuesday, when he will charge a ridiculous amount to replace at least one filling. Oh wait that's 'today' not Heck'.

Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Alaric the Goth:
'Heck' is when you're at home out of work looking at it rain heavily outside, your loved one is at work and your sons, that you haven't seen for nearly two weeks, are at school. You are thinking of applying for internal audit jobs, having thought you had escaped, and you have niggling toothache and can't see the dentist till Tuesday, when he will charge a ridiculous amount to replace at least one filling. Oh wait that's 'today' not Heck'.

Posted by Jengie jon (# 273) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
"Shine Jesus Shine" is played every week in every church. By order.

Nope. That is either torture or pleasure. Heck would choose something more banal and forgettable as compulsory such as O let us remember the joys of the town (first one when you scroll down). Only it would be extended to umpteen verses all of which were tediously similar. The net result would be that while you seem to be singing nothing over and over again it would also be slightly unfamiliar.

Jengie

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

Good point Jengie. I've never met that one, or the one below, 'Dainty wee Daisy'. With hymns like that, it's not surprising so many of my generation gave up on Christianity.

Going back to Heck, though, they sing the hymn of the late Fred Kaan in Heck.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

Heck is a smelly place.

Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
"Your call is important to us. Please wait and an agent will be with you shortly" all to a continuously recycling tune that isn't quite recognisable.

Or music that you do recognise being murdered by a voice interrupting it every five seconds to say, “Your call is important to us. Please hold the line,” and then going back to the beginning of the track again.

(What did Chopin’s Nocturne do to deserve the treatment I heard it given this morning?)

Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:

quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
All the coffee is made by my brother-in-law. Think cheapest supermarket instant brand with a meagre half teaspoon allowed per mug.
The thought also crossed my mind that if that's only Heck what in the name of all that is Holy do you imagine Hell is like? [gets down on knees at the terrifying prospect]

Well, I was once given a drink made from cheap instant coffee granules topped up with tea from the teapot.

Why yes, it was after a church service, how did you guess? It was made by a very dear elderly lady, and I couldn't bear to upset her so I drank it.

Probably still only Heck though, because I wasn't expecting anything that was recognisably coffee, and it was made with love.

Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :

An awful lot of this sounds like suburban Britain today. [Frown]

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

All the radio stations play Sam Smith, Bruno Mars, Justin Bieber, and other such crap.

Hell, of course, is where the it is just Bruno Mars.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

You pop into a cafe and sit at a dirty table with a wonky leg. The place is crowded and it's all that's left, next to a family with two screaming children who have just had a food fight and are still partly covered in jam and cream, chasing each other round the table and grabbing stickily at your chair (and you) for support.

Twenty minutes later someone comes to take your order, although your first, second and third choices aren't available today. You settle for a nice cup of tea where, to save time, the teabag has been microwaved in a cup of hot water and milk. Your pastry, which is some kind of Eccles cake, is coming up for its anniversary. You manage to prise it open with a knife, shattering fragments of rock-hard pastry everywhere, to find a massive air bubble inside and a thin dark smear of something with hard black lumps studded on the base, which possibly used to be some kind of fruit and raisin filling but is now likely of interest only to an archaeologist.

As you get up and go to pay you learn that the card machine isn't working and the woman behind the till says she doesn't have enough change for your tenner.

Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :

Heck is where life after death does happen, but the atheists are right.

[ 07. October 2015, 18:35: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Ewwwwww. [Snigger]

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

The Proms consists of the Classic FM repertoire.

Posted by bib (# 13074) on :

I've never heard this saying. Where is it used?

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
We have used 'heck' since I was a small child. But not as a place, as a replacement for 'fuck' - eg "What the heck are you doing?"

IME, it's a substitute for "hell" in the same kind of sentence.

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
Heck is a smelly place.

So Heck is somewhere near Goole. That figures.

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:

quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
We have used 'heck' since I was a small child. But not as a place, as a replacement for 'fuck' - eg "What the heck are you doing?"
IME, it's a substitute for "hell" in the same kind of sentence.

Maybe a mix of hell and fuck?

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
Maybe a mix of hell and fuck?

An etemology already suggested.

Posted by Al Eluia (# 864) on :

In the comic strip Dilbert there's a character called Phil, the Ruler of Heck:

Phil, Ruler of Heck

He handles "the little stuff" that will just get you darned to heck, not damned to hell.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

Yes, I think we've covered that one already too, actually.

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

Heck: the place where our posts are recycled every couple of hours.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

You decide to get away from it all for a weekend in a guesthouse. It's not far from the station, so you decide to walk, but you have to cross four lanes of traffic then run out of footpath and have to walk on the road. When you arrive the doorbell doesn't work and the landlady is deaf.

Your room hasn't been decorated since the 70s. The headboard of the bed is on a 45 degree angle and one leg is broken. The towels have to be left on the bed because there's no room for them in the shower cupboard. The armchair is stuffed with a mixture of rough horsehair and spiders which escape in a cloud of dust as you sit down. The floor creaks as if it hasn't spoken to anyone for a week, and the hot water runs out almost immediately. There's a remote control but no television. There is nowhere in the vicinity to have dinner, and no streetlights if you're thinking of braving the footpath-less walk back to town. You make do with the ancient mini-packet of three digestive biscuits on the tea tray instead and that now over-ripe banana you brought and didn't get round to eating on the train.

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

Heck is where the restaurants close for lunch.

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