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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Pre-emptive forgiveness
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goperryrevs
Shipmtae
# 13504
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Posted
There's a plethora of forgiveness material for Christians, and lots of it's great. Stories of people forgiving the unforgivable is inspiring and divine.
But most of the stuff out there fits a certain type of forgiveness. It's usually assumes that one is forgiving some single horrible thing that someone else did in the past. You struggle with it, and then ultimately (hopefully) forgive, though that process is often ongoing. I can get my head around that. It's difficult, but achievable (in the end).
But there doesn't seem to be much material about (for want of a better word) pre-emptive forgiveness. This is where you pretty much know that someone who has wronged you before is going to wrong you again... and again... and again... Usually for some good reason you can't just sever ties with them. But you know they're going to hurt you, or piss you off, and you constantly feel as if you have to be ready for that, to do your best to forgive them pre-emptively.
- The spouse of an alcoholic, who hopes that this is the 'last time', but knows it probably isn't, and they have to be ready for that.
- A parent who has to maintain a relationship with their unreasonable ex for their children's sake, and knows that they're going to be walked over again and again.
- A child whose parent who has let them down too many times, and they want to believe that they won't this time, but also know they should be ready for the disappointment.
Jesus said we should forgive 70x7 times. And I want to attain that (I'm sure you can guess that there is someone like this in my life). I can get my head round forgiving the one-off. But, honestly, I am finding it impossible to forgive when I know that this person is going to be an asshole again and again. Every time I think I've managed to forgive, they do something else and spoil it.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm sure the answer's yes! How do/did you deal with it? Are there any decent resources on this type of forgiveness? All the books I've read just seem to deal with forgiveness-for-a-one-off-event-in-the-past, not ongoing pre-emptive forgiveness.
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"Keep your eye on the donut, not on the hole." - David Lynch
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Adeodatus
Shipmate
# 4992
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Posted
I have some personal experience in this area, and I can only hope I'm getting forgiveness "right" when I say that part of forgiveness can also include taking real measures to assume the sin will not occur again: forgiveness does not necessarily mean taking things back to how they were before.
In justification of this, consider the concept of the "opportunity for sin". Surely sometimes the best thing to do for the sinner is to forgive, but to deny them further opportunity for sin?
I'm assuming here that we're talking about forgiveness as an act of the will that says "I will not hold this sin against you."
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"What is broken, repair with gold."
Posts: 9779 | From: Manchester | Registered: Sep 2003
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Mere Nick
Shipmate
# 11827
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Posted
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 we should keep no record of wrongs. Hard to do, letting things roll off like water off a duck's back, but we need to go with it.
Does anyone else always think of Ricardo Montalban when they read or hear "Corinthian"?
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"Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed. The preacher's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward."
Delmar O'Donnell
Posts: 2797 | From: West Carolina | Registered: Sep 2006
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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081
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Posted
hosting/
Since the OP alludes to personal circumstances, the hostly consensus is that this should be in All Saints, so thence it goes.
/hosting
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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy
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goperryrevs
Shipmtae
# 13504
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Posted
Thanks Eutychus, yes, should'a posted it here.
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I have some personal experience in this area, and I can only hope I'm getting forgiveness "right" when I say that part of forgiveness can also include taking real measures to assume the sin will not occur again: forgiveness does not necessarily mean taking things back to how they were before.
Hmmm. That's tough. Forgiveness definitely doesn't mean taking things back to how they were before, but I'm not sure about the taking measures to assume the sin will not occur again. I'd like to be able to do that, but as a self-preservation measure, I know that's pointless. This person is the way they are, and that's really not going to change (or at least, I can't work on the assumption that they will).
I can't change them, and part of it is accepting that they are very unlikely to change. I think it's better to live in that reality than on a false hope that they'll suddenly stop being the way they are.
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
In justification of this, consider the concept of the "opportunity for sin". Surely sometimes the best thing to do for the sinner is to forgive, but to deny them further opportunity for sin?
Yes. In terms of some of the examples I gave (especially living with an alcoholic), there are measures I can think of in this area. But honestly, in my specific situation, I have no idea how I would practically do this. I don't have the power, or the opportunity.
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I'm assuming here that we're talking about forgiveness as an act of the will that says "I will not hold this sin against you."
Yeah, and wanting the best for that person, rather than for them to get their comeuppance (RT Kendall says how a sign of forgiveness is when you can pray for blessing for your 'enemy'). But also not letting that person have any power over you any more - especially in terms of the bitterness that can eat away at your thought patterns and so on.
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"Keep your eye on the donut, not on the hole." - David Lynch
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by goperryrevs:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I'm assuming here that we're talking about forgiveness as an act of the will that says "I will not hold this sin against you."
Yeah, and wanting the best for that person, rather than for them to get their comeuppance (RT Kendall says how a sign of forgiveness is when you can pray for blessing for your 'enemy'). But also not letting that person have any power over you any more - especially in terms of the bitterness that can eat away at your thought patterns and so on.
This is key, I think. And it IS ongoing forgiveness, even though the wound keeps getting reopened and therefore the pain is ongoing. But maintaining the attitude you speak of here is I think even more "real" forgiveness than forgiving a big one-off, because it costs so much more.
Yeah, I've been in this boat too. It's a killer.
Awesome question. I'm going to go away and think about this.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
One problem is that this is getting close to condoning abuse, one's own. This also amounts to masochism.
The classic case is the woman repeatedly beaten up by her husband/boy-friend, who often tells her how much he loves her.
It's probably often in her best interest not to forgive him, but to seek help/get away/seek refuge, and so on.
Of course, there are parallel situations without violence, where someone is being abused emotionally. Again, endless forgiveness is actually perpetuating abuse, and is dangerous in fact.
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
Yes, enabling behaviour just continues the cycle. There comes a time to forgive, but move on.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
Well, I worked with a number of women who were serially beaten up in this way, and the turning point often came, when they got angry and in fact, felt outrage. Forgiveness in such a context would actually be counter-productive, and possibly dangerous. The moment of truth is feeling a sense of one's own self-worth, and that 'I don't deserve this, so get off me'.
You can see it as self-forgiveness of course.
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by goperryrevs:
This is where you pretty much know that someone who has wronged you before is going to wrong you again... and again... and again... Usually for some good reason you can't just sever ties with them. But you know they're going to hurt you, or piss you off, and you constantly feel as if you have to be ready for that, to do your best to forgive them pre-emptively.
Yes. There's medication, and meditation, and allowing yourself to be incandescent about it in private - which can help you to feel calmer when you're actually with the person. And there's the realization that you can either sit there and seethe and resent the whole bloody mess (which ultimately does no good and affects your health), or you can try to just accept that you're going to have to chalk this one up and write some things off. That you aren't going to get out of it without scars, or unscathed. But life is finite, situations change with time, and eventually you will get out of it.
In some cases, you also have to remember that the person may be physical or mentally unwell and that if they were normal they wouldn't behave like this, though that may not be applicable to your situation.
But learning to step back is invaluable. It's the only way to deal with it. Learning to say "whatever" and somehow, starting to let it affect you less. It won't make the person less of a problem to deal with, but a proportion of this can sometimes be about their trying to get a reaction from you and a bit of indifference can sometimes get the point across that you aren't playing.
It's a long, difficult path to take but for your own sanity you do have to step back and get some distance on it.
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 we should keep no record of wrongs. Hard to do, letting things roll off like water off a duck's back, but we need to go with it.
Enforcing this attitude on battered wives keeps them in abusive situations.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Two thoughts:
1. You can't do anything about anyone's actions but your own.
2. Repeating the same action over and over again, expecting a different result, is one of the definitions of insanity. If your action is not getting a good result, do something different.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
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Fineline
Shipmate
# 12143
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
One problem is that this is getting close to condoning abuse, one's own. This also amounts to masochism.
The classic case is the woman repeatedly beaten up by her husband/boy-friend, who often tells her how much he loves her.
It's probably often in her best interest not to forgive him, but to seek help/get away/seek refuge, and so on.
But then forgiving him and seeking refuge away from him are not mutually exclusive. Forgiveness of an abuser doesn't condone abuse, nor does it mean returning to the abuser. It's not even in the abuser's best interest to allow them to continue abusing by returning to them. Tough love does put up boundaries and can involve terminating a relationship. Forgiving is more about not holding bitterness or harbouring a desire for revenge. You wish well for the person, but that is not the same as giving them what they want and allowing them to continue abusing you.
The idea of pre-emptive forgiveness in an abuse case is a bit dodgy to me though - because that does suggest you're continuing to go back to the abuser and forgiving them in advance for the abuse that is going to happen. That isn't healthy for either the abuser or the abused.
But I can see a case for pre-emptive forgiveness in one's general relationships with people. Knowing in advance that people are weak and flawed and will sometimes hurt you and let you down, and somehow allowing for this. Doesn't mean you don't feel hurt and angry when it happens, nor that you don't address it with them when it happens, but perhaps might make it easier to deal with it in a healthy, compassionate way.
Posts: 2375 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2006
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Fineline is right. Forgiveness has nothing to do with whether you go or stay. It has to do with the attitude you take up to the person--which should include desiring their welfare, and refusing to hold a grudge or entertain revenge fantasies.
In fact, you have a duty to your abuser to put a stop to it if possible, because it isn't good for either of you and will continue to deform your abuser spiritually if you offer yourself as a continuing victim. If you can avoid it, you don't want to be the ongoing means of allowing him/her to indulge in evil.
But certainly there are life situations where you CAN'T exit, no matter how you wish you could. I had one of these with my last boss, who was abusive in the extreme. Yet though I took every opportunity to stop the abuse (including the semi-legal), I could not; and I could not afford to quit, and was not able to locate another position. That forced me to stay where I was, enduring the abuse until circumstances changed.
Under those limited circumstances a kind of--not so much pre-emptive, but habitual forgiveness, became necessary. This is how it translated into practice for me.
Every day I was suffering new abuse. We used to call it "LC's daily slap" in my unit, as it happened roughly every 24 hours, and was designed, I believe, to incite me to go postal and get fired. (Which I could not afford...)
This meant that every day I would hie me to the chapel and park my booty on the floor in a dark corner where no one could see me, and spend my break time pouring it all out to the Lord. I took good care not be seen coming or going. Sometimes I was crying, sometimes I was cursing (yeah, God put up with me), and sometimes I was just glumping there angrily in the darkness. But it gave me the strength to go back to my desk and face the next slap.
I also had people praying for me specifically about the situation, I included the guy in my prayers ("Grrrrrr please bless X gggrrrrrr Lord") and I tried to refrain from bashing him to my coworkers (not always successful...) And of course I got to the Lord's Supper as often as possible, being badly in need of strength and comfort.
After several years of this he finally fired me (made up grounds, of course) and I was shocked to discover that I didn't totally hate his guts and wish him dead. He's still not my favorite person, of course, but I haven't been much tempted by revenge fantasies etc. I suspect that all that time in the chapel meant that by the time he gave me the boot, most of the toxic waste build-up in my heart had been eliminated already, and the main feeling was one of relief. And since then he has mostly sunk into oblivion as far as my memory goes.
This is far, far better than a very parallel situation I faced long ago, where the anger and hatred lingered for years. So yeah, I think pre-emptive/habitual forgiveness has its place--though it should never be used as an excuse NOT to take appropriate action to end the abuse, of course.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Forgiveness can be an attitude. Such that you let your emotions and thoughts go, or if like me, your blood pressure. It doesn't have to have anything to do with letting the other person off the hook. There is a certain person in jail who is not getting off the hook, but I have an attitude of forgiveness toward. But the activity which caused the jailing does not share that attitude. I will never see this person, nor extend myself to even acknowledge them. It isn't a requirement of letting your own self off the hook, nor should it ever be.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
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Mere Nick
Shipmate
# 11827
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 we should keep no record of wrongs. Hard to do, letting things roll off like water off a duck's back, but we need to go with it.
Enforcing this attitude on battered wives keeps them in abusive situations.
The same verse says to not dishonor others or be easily angered. If that was to be taught and enforced on husbands, they wouldn't ever be mean to their wives.
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"Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed. The preacher's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward."
Delmar O'Donnell
Posts: 2797 | From: West Carolina | Registered: Sep 2006
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 we should keep no record of wrongs. Hard to do, letting things roll off like water off a duck's back, but we need to go with it.
Enforcing this attitude on battered wives keeps them in abusive situations.
The same verse says to not dishonor others or be easily angered. If that was to be taught and enforced on husbands, they wouldn't ever be mean to their wives.
How nice. Tell that to a woman who is beaten shitless every day for a year.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
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Mere Nick
Shipmate
# 11827
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 we should keep no record of wrongs. Hard to do, letting things roll off like water off a duck's back, but we need to go with it.
Enforcing this attitude on battered wives keeps them in abusive situations.
The same verse says to not dishonor others or be easily angered. If that was to be taught and enforced on husbands, they wouldn't ever be mean to their wives.
How nice. Tell that to a woman who is beaten shitless every day for a year.
I would be telling it to her husband as I explain to him why I'm helping to protect his wife.
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"Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed. The preacher's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward."
Delmar O'Donnell
Posts: 2797 | From: West Carolina | Registered: Sep 2006
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Interesting discussion. I have two toxic persons in my life who are closely related to me. One is a drunk and a cocaine addict. The other lives in a fantasy land of his own making (including UN service in the Congo as a 16 year old trainee) to make his life sound better and to convince himself that no one sees his bullshit.
Sorry, I gave up forgiving a long time ago. Now I am only trying to build a wall strong enough so that neither can con or hurt me again. Then maybe, I will think again about forgiveness.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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goperryrevs
Shipmtae
# 13504
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Posted
Lamb Chopped, that's exactly the kind of experience I had in mind. Thanks for sharing your story, I love your phrase 'habitual forgiveness' better than my 'pre-emptive forgiveness'. That's the nub of it. The only way to keep going is to get into a habit of forgiving the person or you'll go mad. Thank you, there's food for thought in what you say.
I agree with others that enabling abusive behaviour is not a good thing at all. But it is not the same thing as forgiveness, and telling someone that that's what forgiveness is is just adding more abuse.
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"Keep your eye on the donut, not on the hole." - David Lynch
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I'd forgotten about this - Desmond Tutu and his daughter set up a 30-day Forgiveness Challenge which may be of interest. I signed up for this and dropped out partway through (technical reasons) but the other people I know who went on to complete it found it very helpful. It isn't quite what you think it is, so I'd recommend giving it a go and seeing what you think. I'm going to give it a second go with a new browser and see how that goes.
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Mere Nick
Shipmate
# 11827
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by goperryrevs:
I agree with others that enabling abusive behaviour is not a good thing at all. But it is not the same thing as forgiveness, and telling someone that that's what forgiveness is is just adding more abuse.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you stay in an abusive situation. While we, and most importantly my daughter, seem to have forgiven the guy that we had to get a protective order for, the protective order was a good thing and it saved her or me from having to hurt or kill the guy. The bottom line was that he was going to get out of her life for good. We were willing to try the legal way first. All that said, forgiveness was necessary because grudges get heavier and heavier the longer they are carried.
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"Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed. The preacher's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward."
Delmar O'Donnell
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
According to 1 Corinthians 13:5 we should keep no record of wrongs. Hard to do, letting things roll off like water off a duck's back, but we need to go with it.
Enforcing this attitude on battered wives keeps them in abusive situations.
It's a lot easier to avoid keeping a record of wrongs if you avoid putting yourself in a position to be wronged. Some situations require a person to distance themselves before they can have any chance of healing a relationship. Accumulated resentment does not aid the process of forgiveness.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
What are the options? Forgive or resent. Internally, resentment raises your blood pressure, interferes with your digestion, and disrupts your sleep -- but doesn't affect the other person, unless they love seeing their power to upset you, in which case you make the abuser happy, which invites more abuse.
Forgiveness is letting go of the resentment so you reclaim control of yourself internally instead of being in reactive mode to someone else. Then you can make a calm appraisal of the situation, fully aware you cannot change someone else, and decide what YOU are going to do differently.
Number one is change your frame of reference, make sure you are looking to other than the abuser for your sense of value, so you don't start believing the belittlements and abuse are what you "deserve."
Sometimes that's all you can do - a prisoner with abusive guards, for example.
Sometimes you can leave an abusive situation - drop that friendship, quietly plan an escape from the marriage, run away yelling for help -- whatever is appropriate.
Sometimes you are semi-trapped, it's a family member, but you can minimize contact; and also remind yourself ahead of that holiday party that what he says is a distortion of his own sick mind and has nothing to do with reality, so the barbs roll off instead of leaving you awake churning at night.
Forgiveness clears your mind so you can face the eality of the situation and decide what to do about it. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting the event ever happened. Stopping there leaves you sitting duck for the abuser to attack again. Clear your mind of reactive emotions and then plan and take appropriate steps to reduce your vulnerability or exposure to attacks.
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Fineline
Shipmate
# 12143
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
What are the options? Forgive or resent. Internally, resentment raises your blood pressure, interferes with your digestion, and disrupts your sleep -- but doesn't affect the other person, unless they love seeing their power to upset you, in which case you make the abuser happy, which invites more abuse.
...
Forgiveness clears your mind so you can face the eality of the situation and decide what to do about it. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting the event ever happened. Stopping there leaves you sitting duck for the abuser to attack again. Clear your mind of reactive emotions and then plan and take appropriate steps to reduce your vulnerability or exposure to attacks.
To be fair, if a person is stuck in an abusive relationship, or, say, a torture situation, these sorts of physical reactions happen regardless of forgiveness. Your whole body goes into hyper-alert, as you never know when the abuse will happen, so you can't necessarily clear your mind of reactive emotions. Viktor Frankl's account of the Holocaust, for instance, shows this. And this can continue long after the abuse has happened, whether or not forgiveness happens. Just as if someone attacks you physically, it may take a long time for your body to recover (forgiving the person who broke your leg, say, isn't going to fix your leg!), so it is with the physical impact of the emotional effects of abuse.
Also, regarding your point about letting an abuser see they've upset you, sometimes reacting calmly and appearing not to be upset can enrage an abuser further and invite further abuse. It's really not such a simple dichotomy as you are describing.
Posts: 2375 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2006
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Fineline:
It's really not such a simple dichotomy as you are describing.
Nothing in life is a simple dichotomy, My focus was on the difference between forgive and forget which leaves you trapped, and forgive and remember so you can calmly make whatever plans you can.
I had an abusive client, I read a book on coping with difficult people, it said when he yells at you, yell back, he'll be best buddies with you because he has found someone who plays his game. So next time he called me up and yelled at me and accused me of being unresponsive I yelled at him and accused him of being unreasonable, and from that point on he thought I walked on water.
As you say, there is no simple dichotomy, nor one right way to deal with seemingly similar situations. But stepping out of the emotional wringer to seek objective advice is what helped me find a way to improve the situation. He still yelled, I still hated being yelled at, but it no longer interfered with sleep. Perfect solution no, but significant improvement.
I have had several battered wife friends who stayed in the marriage even though they were the primary wage earner (could leave without fear of starving), because they thought they were supposed to forgive and forget, not forgive and plan what to do about the situation.
Most of us are dealing with a difficult relative or co worker, not a jailhouse torturer.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Fineline
Shipmate
# 12143
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
Most of us are dealing with a difficult relative or co worker, not a jailhouse torturer.
The effects of an abusive relative (such as a parent, sibling or spouse) can be similar to those of a torturer. Every situation is different, as you say, and so of course are not all fixed by reading a book and yelling at the person - but that's great that you were able to deal effectively with your client that way.
Dealing with difficult clients is relatively simple, as you already have that distance from them - although previous experiences of being abused can make it harder for some people to cope with it, because their PTSD may be triggered.
My point was that forgiving an abuser doesn't necessarily rid you of physical symptoms, because a lot of abuse can cause PTSD. Suggesting that it is lack of forgiveness which causes symptoms, such as digestive difficulties and lack of sleep, can be quite harmful to abuse victims who are trying to forgive but are suffering with PTSD. It suggests their symptoms are caused by their own lack of forgiveness (ie. a moral failure on their part) rather than being a genuine physical reaction to the abuse. While you may not have been intending to suggest such a simple dichotomy, this wasn't clear from the wording of your initial post, so I was clarifying.
Posts: 2375 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2006
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Jenn.
Shipmate
# 5239
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Posted
I would suggest counselling alongside trying to develop habitual forgiveness, particularly if the person is a relative or someone you intend/hope to maintain a relationship with for a long time. It can help to work out the ways in which you can change your behaviour to enable different behaviour from the other. Even when they are in the wrong!
Posts: 2282 | From: England | Registered: Nov 2003
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la vie en rouge
Parisienne
# 10688
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Posted
Your second example describes our family situation (the ex that you stay in contact with for your children). My husband’s ex is right royally pissed off that after she decided she didn’t want to be married anymore and threw her husband out, he’s ended up moving on and having a rather nice life (this includes marrying me while she stays bitter and twisted and alone). She plays absurd, petty games over the children in which her only aim is to get back at my husband (as she sees it; can’t help feeling it’s going to be counterproductive in the end). We would be much happier if we didn’t ever have to deal with her, but cutting her off is not an option. Dealing with his psycho ex is the way for my husband to stay in contact with the children. I think this is not dissimilar to people who stay in a relationship with abusive parents because they don’t want to lose contact with their siblings.
One thing I find highly admirable about my husband is the way he has made a conscious decision not to speak badly about her to other people. Even when she really, really deserves it. This doesn’t mean lying to cover her sorry ass but it does mean not telling everyone about her antics unless it’s necessary in response to a specific question. So no gratuitous bitching to all and sundry about “you will not believe what she did to me this week”. Frankly, there’s also a lot of ignoring her involved. When someone sends you an email to tell you how you’re the worst person in the world, what’s the point of reading it? Life’s too short. She gets his time and attention when it’s necessary for the children, but nothing beyond that.
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Rent my holiday home in the South of France
Posts: 3696 | Registered: Nov 2005
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