Ship of Fools: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

Thread: How many Anglicans does it take to change a light-bulb? Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Eirenist (# 13343) on :

Any suggestions?

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :

How dare you change the lightbulb? My grandmother donated that in 1957

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

I hope no one suggests using one of those low-energy bulbs. I can't read my BCP with one of those.

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :

Two. One to mix the gin & tonic and the other to phone the electrician.

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

A lightbulb?

Doesn't that involve some sort of electricity?

Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :

Obviously you need a minimum of two: one to change the lightbulb, and one to grant a faculty.

In the Anglo-Catholic tradition, you also need a president, a deacon, a thurifer, and a full choir.

In the evangelical tradition, you also need a preacher to explain how the light bulb couldn't change itself until the person changing had taken its darkness upon himself.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I don't mind sitting here in the dark. Just you go out out and enjoy yourself.

(Assuming the Anglican is also an Irish Mother).

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

(Irish mothers would say that too? I thought only Jewish mothers would.)

Just one . . . provided he stands on a three-legged stool.

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
(Irish mothers would say that too? I thought only Jewish mothers would.)

Just one . . . provided he stands on a three-legged stool.

That reminds me of a wonderful quotation from Rebecca Front playing a Jewish mother from North London addressing her adult son,
'Don't you ever forget. I had to have twelve stitches having you'.

You knew he was never going to be allowed to.

Incidentally, there's another series of her and her brother's 'Incredible Women' running on R4 this week. It's at 10.45 am repeated at 7.45 pm. I've already heard this morning's and it was great.

Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :

CHANGE?!? WHAT D'YOU MEAN, CHANGE???!!!

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

Well, you need to get the faculty which involves the entire PCC, and there needs to be a new liturgy found or written, with approval from the bishop and the diocesan liturgy committee.

Once that is done, there needs to be a date agreed to enact the changing of the light-bulb service, which might have to be on a Sunday Afternoon, and needs to ensure it doesn't clash with any other light-related event. There is also the requirement to ensure that the vicar can make it, along with the curate to do the reading and the organist to play the music.

When all organised, there is then the need to explain to at least ten members of the congregation wither why the light-bulb changing service has to happen (and why it is happening on the same day as the senior ladies meal group is having its monthly meeting), and someone else to explain why the bulb cannot simply be changed by a church warden.

So a starting estimate would be 60, or 2/3 of the congregation, whichever is the highest.

Posted by MrsBeaky (# 17663) on :

Can I just say this is a flipping brilliant thread! [Killing me]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

One soloist. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :

There surely needs to be an arrangement whereby those who wish to continue using the old light-bulb (I am assuming here that the reason for changing is not simply that it has died) can do so in a side chapel, perhaps, in order to maintain tradition.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

Or you could alternate the old and new lightbulbs in a doubtless doomed effort to please everybody.

Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :

We noticed a light bulb out in the choir area, and after making many of the jokes above, sent someone down to get a new one from the storage closet. The closet was locked, so that person had to come up and find a member of the choir who had a key to go open the closet. Turns out that when we changed locks on all of the doors to be in compliance with diocesan policy on knowing who has every key to the church, the lock on the storage closet was overlooked, so the vestry member couldn't get it open with his new key. So we had to find the junior warden, who still had an old key, to open it for us and change the bulb.

So you joke, but it actually can take three or four Episcopalians to change a light bulb.

(Another day I will tell you about the time I actually "didn't get the memo.")

Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
Two. One to mix the gin & tonic and the other to phone the electrician.

As I recall it, that's the number of Sloane Rangers required to change a light-bulb, but I suppose the same principle applies.

[Big Grin]

Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
CHANGE?!? WHAT D'YOU MEAN, CHANGE???!!!

That is the classic Lutheran response to the joke. Sometimes with the addition, "My grandfather put in that bulb, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me!"

For our Anabaptist friends:

How many Mennonites does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to make the food for after.

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

The light bulb needs changing? I will ask the parish secretary to put it on the council agenda. So, providing we actually get to the maintenance/plant item it should get passed within one or possibly two months to go on the action list. The plant manager will have to ascertain the most cost effective bulbs available that comply with the bishops new "Green Policy" for all the churches in this diocese. As our early 20th century light fittings are listed on our assets file, we may have to check with the heritage committee if we wish to change the style of bulb. We may also need to ensure that light fitting is not defective. A memo to council will need to be produced as to how many times the bulb has had to be changed in the last two years in case we need to tender for an electrician. As the secretary is away on post Christmas leave at the moment, this cannot be done before February.

Thank you so much for drawing this to our attention. I will check we have plenty of candles on hand, in the meantime.

Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :

I don't have many dealings with them Anglicans, but I know how the presbyterians do it:

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?

- Six, and this is clearly laid down in the Book of Forms. Their offices are defined as follows: one, properly nominated and duly elected to change the bulb after prayerful thought and discussion by the appropriate committee(s), and five to constitute a General Assembly Special Committee charged with investigating and reporting back to the following year's Assembly on the roots of the grievances of those whose faith and convictions caused them to adhere to the old one, to recommend appropriate pastoral care and counselling for the injured parties, and to make recommendations that will reduce the likelihood of such occurrences in the future. The Principal Clerk will be an ex-officio member (and will, on request, accompany the committee on his guitar)* and the Committee on Church Doctrine will act in an advisory capacity.

*you have to know him.

Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :

The Treasurer has informed the PCC that we cannot afford a new light bulb.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

Meanwhile, over at the Unitarian Church:

"We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence".

(Not original - sent by a friend from an unnamed source!)

Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :

no matter how many appeals for volunteers, items on agendas or committees set up to adress the issue, will it not just end up being the vicar that does it anyway ?

Posted by MrsBeaky (# 17663) on :

Meanwhile, somewhere in a Kenyan parish:

"Not sure how many Anglicans it will take to change this light bulb but far than you expect will arrive and they will ALL need feeding!"

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

If the handyman does it, it will be achieved without anyone knowing it needed to be done.

If the churchwarden does it, it will be done after a member of the congregation has complained, and will be appropriately reported to the PCC.

If the vicar has to do do it, it will be done, but he will use it as a sermon illustration. He will also use the time it takes to make it happen to harangue the PCC and wardens about the need to employ a handyman. He will also write a book about "Bulb-changing ministry", which will sell 100 copies across the diocese.

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
Meanwhile, over at the Unitarian Church:

"We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence".

(Not original - sent by a friend from an unnamed source!)

Provided of course they are all the new low energy sort and not the old bulb shaped sort - or is that the Quakers?

Oh, and don't forget the full spectrum sort with a slightly blue coloured glass that are supposed to emulate natural light. That's especially for you, if you're the particular variety of Wee Free that appear to be having their services an hour later than everyone else in the summer because they only recognise God's time and not British Summer Time.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
Provided of course they are all the new low energy sort and not the old bulb shaped sort - or is that the Quakers?

No, it's the URC who are very Eco-friendly.

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :

Drop a hint to the bellringers, who will sort it out on practice night and no-one else will notice it's been done. Which is actually how it works at our church.

AG
(sorry, that's not hugely funny)

Posted by pomdownunder (# 16666) on :

Having spent my teen years in a rural CofE parish church, I always thought the answer was 'one to change the bulb, and twenty to organise the parish fete to pay for it' [Smile]

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

Clearly you don't expect each stall at said Fete to raise very much money ....

And, by the way:

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

[ 30. December 2015, 08:54: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :

Friend Baptist, I assure thee that the lighting in our Meeting House is most ecologically friendly.

Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by MrsBeaky:
... "Not sure how many Anglicans it will take to change this light bulb but far than you expect will arrive and they will ALL need feeding!"

One, plus the entire membership of the Anglican Church Women (or whatever the church's ladies' group is called) to provide the food for afterwards.

This offers an excellent opportunity to reiterate the "Show and Tell" story.

At a primary school "Show and Tell", the children have been asked to bring something to do with their respective religions.

First child: "I'm Jacob, I'm Jewish, and this is a yarmulke".

Second child: "I'm Bridget, I'm a Roman Catholic, and this is a rosary".

Third child: "I'm Jenny, I'm an Anglican and this is a casserole".

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

I'm sorry, but the third kid is clearly Lutheran. [Big Grin]

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

At the Uniting Church in Australia... The church down the road.... A similar argument is brewing.

Well, the UCA should do it my way- the ex-Presbyterian way.

Ah no, the ex-Methodist way is much better.

But surely, the ex-Congregationalist trumps both of those?

No, really, the UCA way, developed since the mid-seventies is the best way. Besides, as your minister, much younger than you members of parish council, that's all I know.

And the members of the council then rise up, as one, and beat Rowen across the head with a spare communion plate, for she is wrong... And just too young. And obviously silly.

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

How many Orthodoxen does it take to change a light bulb?

What is this "light bulb"? Was it light bulb in church in 19th Century Russia? No, it was not. Is outrage! You light holy candle, never mind this "light bulb." You need new candle, you pay babushka in foyer, she give you candle.

[to self] Light bulb in church. Ha! This is what is wrong with world today. Oy.

Posted by Jengie jon (# 273) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
At the Uniting Church in Australia... The church down the road.... A similar argument is brewing.

Well, the UCA should do it my way- the ex-Presbyterian way.

Ah no, the ex-Methodist way is much better.

But surely, the ex-Congregationalist trumps both of those?

No, really, the UCA way, developed since the mid-seventies is the best way. Besides, as your minister, much younger than you members of parish council, that's all I know.

And the members of the council then rise up, as one, and beat Rowen across the head with a spare communion plate, for she is wrong... And just too young. And obviously silly.

Ah Rowen but there is no Congregational way it is just the way "We do it, unlike those Presbyterians or Methodists".

Jengie

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

Or, perhaps, "The way in which we all know it should be done ...".

[ 31. December 2015, 08:40: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

But in St. Soreknees RC the Children of Mary are organising a novena to the Queen of Heaven for a miracle, which is what it takes to make the PCC shell out for anything.

Posted by Galilit (# 16470) on :

Church of Scotland: 3 - "The New Minister" and 2 of the Elders who didn't like "The Previous Minister".

[ 31. December 2015, 11:20: Message edited by: Galilit ]

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
But in St. Soreknees RC the Children of Mary are organising a novena to the Queen of Heaven for a miracle, which is what it takes to make the PCC shell out for anything.

By the blessed interventions of Sts Quiricus and Julietta, the lightbulb will change itself. Otherwise, it is obviously their wish that it should remain unchanged.

Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :

Welsh Nonconformist: Yes, I know that the three people who worship in the 400 seater chapel down the road have a lightbulb that works. But there's no way the three of us here in the darkness could leave our 400 seater chapel and go and share their lightbulb. Yes, I know there's no identifiable difference between what we do here and what they do there. But there was one in 1904!

Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :

Baptist: One person to change the bulb.

At least 2 church meetings to agree the change.

A further meeting to decide who will donate the light bulb.

One person to arrange the brass plaque.

Another person to install said plaque.

2 further church meetings to agree who is responsible for polishing said brass plaque.

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :

One to hold the bulb and four more to turn the stepladder.

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

Friends, surely there are two issues that have not yet been discussed:

1 - The safe removal and disposal of the old light bulb, bearing in mind all the relevant social and environmental factors; and

2 - The choice of the most appropriate replacement be it incandescent, CFL or LED, again bearing in mind the same factors as applied before.

I would hope that any discussions here do not pre-empt any discussions of the Premises Committee, or perhaps we could just ask them to discuss this matter at their next meeting which is, I think, in 2 months time and then bring the matter back to this Meeting for further consideration at a subsequent time.

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

Has anyone discussed the safety issue of ladder use?

We need a licensed ladder climber, a member of church council who has done the three hour course on ladder usage.

We might not need a ladder, but just in case.....

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

You have forgotten to add that a detailed Risk Assessment for both ladder use and the integrity of the isolating light switch needs to be carried out (and signed off by the relevant parties) before any action can be taken. This will include evaluation of the height to which the bulb-changer will climb, an assessment of the floor surface upon which the ladder will stand, also a safety inspection of the ladder itself.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

Clearly the bulb changing can be carried out by the ladies of the Choir. One to ascend the ladder and the others to say 'Isn't that a little high for you, dear?'

Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :

For Quakers, of course, the real is what does George Fox say?

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