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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Build Your Own Cult™ - Starter Pack.
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
Brilliant, just got my Build Your Own Cult™ pack through the post today!
I just got the 'starter pack' as I know what I am like with new hobbies, my cult will just join the tennis racquets and musical instruments in the attic.
So I have some ideas, I am going to make the wild claim of free beer to all who enrol, cats will (of course) be sacred, and I will naturally be surrounding myself with a harem of women.
I am definitely avoiding any links to comets, or Texas. I am also staying clear of the words 'nine-o'clock" in my cults name.
What other ideas would make the perfect cult?
Neil
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
Go to lessons to learn to be a very charismatic speaker - it doesn't matter what you draw them into, they'll come!
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
Where is the harem of handsome men to surround the alpha females?
When you set out snacks, I would advise against KoolAid.
What is the dress code? These are important pieces of information for potential vic...erm...devotees.
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Bibaculus
Shipmate
# 18528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by starbelly:
I am also staying clear of the words 'nine-o'clock" in my cults name.
Neil
Oh go on! He had a harem of women too (if I can say that without disrespect to those who he abused).
The Nine O'clock Cat Service sounds good to me. Maybe you can get funding from the Bishop of Sheffield.
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A jumped up pantry boy who never knew his place
Posts: 257 | From: In bed. Mostly. When I can get away with it. | Registered: Dec 2015
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Have you already set the date for Jesus to return? That's an important part of set up, gets you no end of publicity. Or if you prefer to be a less Christian-flavored cult, claim to BE him. Along with half the other religious figures in history, all at once.
Oh, and have you got a heavily guarded compound yet?
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
Practice in producing flowery, evocative writing that sounds profound but also cryptic and ultimately meaningless is essential to your sacred texts. Must be able to be chopped into short, quotable sound-bites suitable for coffee mugs and facebook memes: "Lo, and unto me, the heavens were opened, and yea verily, behold the sacred Star of Neptune brought forth a great light, which dwelt within the sacred vessel, but did not burn..." (if your cult fails, you can always repurpose it as copy for a new hemorrhoid cream...)
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
You'll need to concoct a narrative which shows how all major religions point towards your cult, which is the culmination of world history.
And offer to pay for everyone's travel expenses.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
You'll need to concoct a narrative which shows how all major religions point towards your cult, which is the culmination of world history.
And offer to pay for everyone's travel expenses.
No. No No. You need to get them to pay your travel expenses, and in a special, personal, gold-plated aeroplane. How can you hold your head up in the company of fellow cult leaders if you're giving people money rather than extracting it in mega-quantities from the gullible.
I'd suggest the following.
1. Wear some very strange clothes. If you are a bloke, grow a beard, the longer and wilder the better.
2. Practice the hypnotic and piercing look.
3. Develop the ability to spout platitudes in grandiloquent phrases, preferably while fixing people with said hypnotic and piercing look. If you can have a beautifully modulated and vibrant voice, that really helps.
4. If you are a bloke, acquire a bevy of stunning young female followers who look as though they have consecrated their chastity to you. Dress them in matching flowing costumes. If they can sing beautifully, so much the better.
5. Cultivate the bestowing of promises that nobody can challenge whether they have been met or not.
6. Persuade your followers that the more blessed you are and the more splendid your lifestyle, the more that vicariously fulfils for them a fantasy of their own success
7. Above all, and this is the really important bit, convince your followers that the more they give, the greater the blessings they will receive. If you can also provide knick-knacks, special food or even courses to go on, that they can buy from you at vastly inflated prices, even better.
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Wear your hair shirt hairy side out.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
4. If you are a bloke, acquire a bevy of stunning young female followers who look as though they have consecrated their chastity to you. Dress them in matching flowing costumes. If they can sing beautifully, so much the better.
This is my project for the week...
Neil
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Graven Image
Shipmate
# 8755
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Posted
Buy good sturdy but comfortable shoes because as a cult leader you are going to be spending hours on your feet preaching to your followers. Installing a bathroom near the stage might also be helpful. Praise band should be on the ready for when you need a break from your 4 hour sermons on the end times. ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Posts: 2641 | From: Third planet from the sun. USA | Registered: Nov 2004
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Make sure you have read the "deniable abuse" section of the handbook. I know it is very long, but it is important - most of the great leaders have contributed, and it is a wealth of wisdom.
Also, do you have the item that justifies why you are the special chosen one? It can be any old piece of tat, as long as you can explain why it is "special". The Jesus Ring Pull will work. If you are very clever, this can be a piece of divine inspiration, rather than a physical object. But you need something that is only yours, and means that everything you say comes straight from God.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Cobble up any old taradiddle about secret wisdom of the ancients, visiting aliens from the planet Tharg, world conspiracies and the fact - fact, I tell you - that HM Queen is a shape-changing lizard AND the whore of Babylon as foretold in Revelation. The important thing is to pitch it at those who feel trapped in lives of powerless futility, desperately seeking something to drown out the despair and rage, as they see themselves sucked towards annihilation (that'll be most people, then).
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Enoch
Shipmate
# 14322
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Posted
Oh, yes. Something else that's very important. Whatever conscience you might once have had about exploiting the most emotionally and materially needy in society out of what they need to survive and you don't, whatever might once have troubled you if you woke up in the small hours, you must have fully, totally and utterly suppressed it.
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Brexit wrexit - Sir Graham Watson
Posts: 7610 | From: Bristol UK(was European Green Capital 2015, now Ljubljana) | Registered: Nov 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Cobble up any old taradiddle about secret wisdom of the ancients, visiting aliens from the planet Tharg, world conspiracies and the fact - fact, I tell you - that HM Queen is a shape-changing lizard AND the whore of Babylon as foretold in Revelation. The important thing is to pitch it at those who feel trapped in lives of powerless futility, desperately seeking something to drown out the despair and rage, as they see themselves sucked towards annihilation (that'll be most people, then).
Yes, but don't reveal this information until the initiates have achieved an elite status, and warn them that it is arcana reserved for the very privileged. After they're too up to their necks in the program to protest, in other words. If they demontrate gullibility, reward them with sub minions -- er, new recruits--to pick on.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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St. Gwladys
Shipmate
# 14504
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Posted
Of course, the initiates will have had to pay to do the courses to understand the arcane mysteries that will allow them to join the hierarchy, courses which you will have organised, using materials - for.which they will have to pay inflated prices - which you have prepared.
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"I say - are you a matelot?"
"Careful what you say sir, we're on board ship here"
From "New York Girls", Steeleye Span, Commoners Crown (Voiced by Peter Sellers)
Posts: 3333 | From: Rhymney Valley, South Wales | Registered: Jan 2009
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
(Don't worry about the course content, just scrape together a bunch of how- to tips from some self- help subreddit.)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
Oh, yes. Something else that's very important. Whatever conscience you might once have had about exploiting the most emotionally and materially needy in society out of what they need to survive and you don't, whatever might once have troubled you if you woke up in the small hours, you must have fully, totally and utterly suppressed it.
And do remember that what others may call abuse, deception, manipulation or ripping off the gullible this is just persecution. You are right because you have heard from God, and anyone who disagrees with you is an enemy of God, and so not worth considering.
Watch David Cameron if you need some help with this.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Don't forget to promote your nearest and dearest to semi-divine positions in your cult, and invent suitable forms of worship for them. Just be sure you can yank the divinity rug out from under their feet if they leave.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505
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Posted
You need an MA in Channelling. Don't forget to chanel every bit of wisdom from the past, every energy that can bless only you and your followers, and all knowledge of the future. You will channel the aura of elite leaders and the karma of the righteous. You will carve channels of financial fluidity so that money can be funnelled directly past the IRS into your New World Order. You will channel rivers of invective against all those poor mistaken critics who have not been touched by your visions. And you must create a channel to oblivion for those who fall out of favour with you.
Happy digging.
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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.
Posts: 7080 | From: Canberra Australia | Registered: Oct 2005
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
... Wear some very strange clothes ...
In turquoise, obviously. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
A fleet of Rolls Royces from which to wave languidly at your adoring minions working in the fields of your sacred estate is impressive.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
The more I read this thread, the more I think our government is actually a cult.
Sigh.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
You need an ongoing source of new revelations to help you deal with issues as they arise. The channeling idea might work but watch out for who are you channeling, you don't want to seem so unimportant it's just some low level spirit guild any advice columnist can claim.
Also, combining the thought about the gold plated airplane and not giving free what you can collect money for, how about inviting people to "fly" with you by offering a, er, substance blessed by you, in a package with your photo on the front, available to only a few special followers who will be known as your disciples -- contribute 10,000 to be considered for one of these limited spots. The limit of course is however many sign up, and the substance is a legal herb that takes the user "spiritually higher" without physical effects. Who can disprove a spiritual high?
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
You need an ongoing source of new revelations to help you deal with issues as they arise.
Reminds me of an interesting programme I heard once about a cult in 1930s Germany. They went in for retailing messages from Great Germans who had passed over. That and cream cheese - and were therefore tolerated by the Nazis. On one occasion, the leader had a Message from the last Kaiser. When someone pointed out that the Kaiser was still alive, he explained that it had just been a test. It was really from Frederick Barbarossa.
[ 21. February 2016, 17:21: Message edited by: Firenze ]
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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TurquoiseTastic
Fish of a different color
# 8978
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
... Wear some very strange clothes ...
In turquoise, obviously.
"The Universe is turquoise, say astronomers" New Scientist ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Well of course it is! ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
[ 21. February 2016, 17:54: Message edited by: TurquoiseTastic ]
Posts: 1092 | From: Hants., UK | Registered: Jan 2005
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
The universe has good taste.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by starbelly:
Brilliant, just got my Build Your Own Cult™ pack through the post today!
I just got the 'starter pack' as I know what I am like with new hobbies, my cult will just join the tennis racquets and musical instruments in the attic.
Oooh, I want one! Though whether it will make the roster of be consigned to storage is also in question for me.
But let's compare!
quote:
I am going to make the wild claim of free beer to all who enrol,
Same, but with an extra l ![[Biased]](wink.gif) Cider also.
quote:
cats will (of course) be sacred,
Check. Note to self: Diagram official sacrifice methods and outline prescribed recipe guidelines
quote:
and I will naturally be surrounding myself with a harem of women.
Check and double check! Though, naturally, they will pale before my beauty. Well, some will be pale, some dark. Really, all shades are invited.
quote:
I am definitely avoiding any links to comets, or Texas. I am also staying clear of the words 'nine-o'clock" in my cults name.
No doomsday here either. No threats at all, just temporal bliss.
quote:
What other ideas would make the perfect cult?
Good cheese and good bread are essential. As are members spread across the globe who will host holida-..erm, missions.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
You need strict rules about what clothing the members must ear, preferably about their underwear.
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On pilgrimage in the endless realms of Cyberia, currently traveling by ship. Now with live journal!
Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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Bob Two-Owls
Shipmate
# 9680
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Posted
You must have nice robes and a distinctive haircut. It makes escapees easier to spot at the bus station.
Posts: 1262 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Robes are a must. You cannot seriously be the new messiah/Maitreya/intergalactic emissary without quantities of flowing polyester and sparkly accoutrements. So, just before announcing salvation to the panting millions, you might be well-advised to set up a contract with a clothing manufacturer in Fujian.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
Track down Khadaffi's tailor. He was brutal and insane, but he had beautiful robes.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Brutal, insane and all-powerful can get you surprisingly good discounts at clothing outlets. Nevertheless, while you are starting out, the normal Western capitalist mode of employing tiny Asian people on starvation wages in jerrybuilt sweatshops should suffice. Once you have world domination sorted it's a different story of course.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829
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Posted
Don't forget to buy a house in Bedford.
AG
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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869
Posts: 3574 | From: The wardrobe of my soul | Registered: Jul 2007
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Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668
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Posted
If the cash flow shows signs of faltering, announce that God spoke to you last night to say he's thinking about calling you home, or possibly to a rival church. They all know that God can be bribed*.
*Has been proven to work in non-cult congregations, too.
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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)
Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
It worked for Oral Roberts. When his boondoggle City of Faith hospital started bleeding money, he raised the funds to keep it afloat by such an appeal/threat. That didn't stop the hospital from being closed within eight years since the last thing Tulsa, OK needed was another hospital.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
It worked for Oral Roberts. When his boondoggle City of Faith hospital started bleeding money, he raised the funds to keep it afloat by such an appeal/threat. That didn't stop the hospital from being closed within eight years since the last thing Tulsa, OK needed was another hospital.
It was suggested at the time that True Followers should NOT give-- causing Oral to be sent home, thus proving the prophesy! What better way to show the Almighty means business? If that doesn't scare all them-that atheists into the church pew, nothin' will!
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Lord Jestocost
Shipmate
# 12909
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Posted
Devote serious study time to finding the tax regime with the most beneficial breaks, and move there.
In fact, consider relocating entirely to the world's oceans.
And meanwhile, write or have ghostwritten The Book - the distillation of your crowd-trapping wisdom and philosophies that people can buy to swell the coffers, and then be referred to to save you having to repeat yourself. Some of them might even read it. Try to act like you have, too. Give it a cool title.
Explain print mismatches between editions as "this edition reflects the new data."
Posts: 761 | From: The Instrumentality of Man | Registered: Aug 2007
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beatmenace
Shipmate
# 16955
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Posted
No one has mentioned the Illuminati yet.
Which is exactly what they want you not to do.
Except when they do.
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"I'm the village idiot , aspiring to great things." (The Icicle Works)
Posts: 297 | From: Whitley Bay | Registered: Feb 2012
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
This is brilliant, I am seriously considering buying the 'Build Your Own Cult™ - Craft your own Gold Plates' set now and discovering them on a mountain, need to take things to the next level!
Neil
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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beatmenace
Shipmate
# 16955
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Posted
Too late, there is already a Wikihow guide on this one.
http://www.wikihow.com/Start-a-Cult
You'll need another idea.
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"I'm the village idiot , aspiring to great things." (The Icicle Works)
Posts: 297 | From: Whitley Bay | Registered: Feb 2012
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
Identify an Out Group. Your cult must have at least one external group, ideally one not admired by Joe Public nor powerful and especially not litigious. They will provide an excellent rallying point when things get tough.
Get some of your team to construct am edifice of self-supporting entries on Wikipedia. It isn't that difficult. All you have to do is merge your horseshit with some half-way reputable material and you're made.
[ 23. February 2016, 17:45: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
The more I read this thread, the more I think our government is actually a cult.
Sigh.
Your spelling is slightly off, though.
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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor
At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken
Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Never underestimate the power of a simple, uplifting song to act as a rudder to your spiritual dinghy.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
(If you want the earworm that won't die, skip ahead to 2:40. You'll hate me. You'll really, really hate me.)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(If you want the earworm that won't die, skip ahead to 2:40. You'll hate me. You'll really, really hate me.)
Oooh, I am not clicking on the link because I don't want an earworm. But now I have an itch in my brain from curiosity.
You evil person, you.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
As much as you might hate me now, you will hate me so, so much more if you click that link.
The hosts definitely are gonna put a hit on me...
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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