Ship of Fools: The nature of friendship

Thread: The nature of friendship Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by toadstrike (# 18244) on :

An incident happened recently on Facebook which has provoked a fair amount of thought and over which I've value the input of you folks.

One guy whom I knew at University and at the time (not now) I looked up to as a better person than me and with whom I'm a FB "friend" (one of only two from those days) posted the following on his FB status:

quote:
Over the years many friendships have simply evolved into acquaintances. I don't like having a large number of friends like I used to for the mere fact life is very different to how it was 12+ years ago. Some people I thought were my "friends" have been deleted , due to various reasons and some I keep because it doesn't matter how much time goes by we connect like we didn't miss a beat . Now, I have chosen the best solution before I do the 2016clear out. I am happy to have you because you are among my best of the best. Now I am going to see who will take the time to read this post until the end. I'm curious to see who takes care of the BOND that I'm trying to create. Thank you for being a part of my life. Copy and paste this onto your page, PLEASE DO NOT 'share'. This is a little test, just to see who reads and those who share only without reading! If you have read everything, select 'like' and then copy and paste into your profile, so I can put a comment 'smile.' To copy just touch the post and when the word copy pops up, touch it and go to your status and tap till it says paste then touch paste

I thought about it for a bit and decided I'd prefer to stay "friends" with him than not and posted it on my page with the disclaimer.

quote:
(Please note this isn't my comment, see my follow up)

together with a follow-up which I won't include here to avoid giving his name and details.

Since then I've been told by my wife I should have just left it. If someone has relationships on such shaky ground they should be left alone. She illustrated the point by pointing out several people who have ropey marriages who are always going on about their marriage whereas people who have a strong marriage scarcely mention it (and gave an example of such which left me feeling seriously happy for a good while [Axe murder]

)

Three of my other FB "friends" all of whom I would unhesitatingly describe as real-life seriously close and valued friends have responded, two with just "like" and one by saying.

quote:
Hmm, friendships shouldn't need testing.

I'd be interested in people's views - should I have done what he wanted? Or just let him drift if he needed to test all the people who considered him, however closely or tenuously, their friend?

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

It seems rather manipulative to me. But also like the cry of someone who doubts his self-worth and wants other people to speak highly of him to make him feel better about himself. The good side is that he isn't badmouthing or harming others to make him feel good about himself (at least in this post). The bad side is, it is de facto rather manipulative. "Praise me or I'll dump your ass." The friendship analogue of the manipulative boyfriend's "If you loved me you would."

I'm not sure whether to pity him or despise him.

What I am sure of is that he didn't write this. He found it somewhere and copied it to his own wall. Because I've seen this post, or ones very much like it, on friends' walls just before they dumped me off their friends list. Over which I cried no small number of tears. If you don't count zero as a small number.

Posted by A Feminine Force (# 7812) on :

I would say, so what if he needs to test the friendship. You get to decide whether or not you want to play, for your own reasons, not his.

Which you had, and did.

People these days are starved for attention, validation and a good vibe, you never know how fragile somebody is and it costs so little, you did a kind thing.

Which is probably why he is lucky to still have you for a friend - not solely on his terms, but 50-50, as all friendships should be. IMO.

LAFF

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

This post sure says a lot more about him than about his friends.

Posted by cliffdweller (# 13338) on :

The post wasn't even original to your friend. It's one of those tiresome memes that runs around fb these days. Most of us are sick and tired of these manipulative, strong arm posts that always end with: "share/like/post amen to this or the cute puppies die/ the baby Jesus cries/ you're a heartless bastard". It's click bait, and sadly, your friend fell for it. Don't blame him/her-- we all do sooner or later.

When that exact same meme went thru my fb feed I did not repost, did not click "like". I did comment something along the lines of "I don't repost click bait, but I do like you and consider you a friend."

That comment got a couple dozen likes.

Whatever.

[ 14. February 2016, 15:18: Message edited by: cliffdweller ]

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

He appears to be a guy with a certain kind of quirky personality. I have friends with their own kinds of strangenesses. Since they are people that I like in other ways, I shrug and accept the quirks. That sounds like what you've done.

Actually thinking about it and the nature of facebook, he makes a certain amount of sense. He wants people who are still really interested in keeping up with the friendship separated from the herd of fb "friends". The traffic jam of fb can be annoying.

Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :

I think that your friend was being kind to a friend, as you were being kind. These are like chain letters, with an emotional tag. I never ever like or share if I'm told to. Perhaps it's cussedness.

There's another one which says I need a hug and know who will read this and send me a hug back. OK, they knew I wouldn't.

Posted by Hilda of Whitby (# 7341) on :

Instead of all this melodrama, why didn't he just quietly block or unfriend people he no longer wants to deal with on FB?

Crap like this is why I exited from FB and have never once looked back or regretted it.

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

Vetting friends through Facebook is a massive oxymoron.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

I never repost these. As others have said, this is a level of desperation that I am not interested in.

Facebook friends are (for me) people I know personally (mainly), and with whom I will share engage with like members of a church. I may not know them all well, but they are people who I could post a "can anyone help" message on, and most people would help if they could.

Social media has changed the understanding of friendship. Nobody is a friend just because I link to them on facebook or twitter. Some people I have become friends with through my twitter connections, but that is just a way of making connections.

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:

Social media has changed the understanding of friendship.

I don't think it has. I think it shifted the more facile definitions of friend to the fore, but I don't think it has changed them.

Someone I sorta know through association with other people and kinda like as far as our superficial contact has gone thus far.

That is a Facebook friend. And that has existed before the Internet. But what Facebook has done, IMO, is make these relationships more prominent.

[ 14. February 2016, 16:55: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]

Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :

This is the 21st century equivalent of a chain letter, nothing more, nothing less.

Posted by Beenster (# 242) on :

I'm in awe in a strange way of those who have the patience and energy to line up their list of friends and double check who has posted on such a post or not, and delete the right ones.

I've seen such things before, I don't repost it, I don't know if I've remained friends wtih the person afterwards because that's not how my mind works. It would be quite interesting to see what happened.

Equally, I don't like the "congratulations you have survived my cull" type posts.

Posted by toadstrike (# 18244) on :

Thanks to everyone for their helpful and thought-provoking messages - really appreciated.

Interestingly enough he has now just sent me the following message:

quote:
It was a bit of an unintentional post, now deleted. It came from someone else and I stupidly followed instructions, which means I then posted it myself. A few people were quick enough to respond as you did before I deleted it.

Don't quite see how you can post unintentionally but it's all too easy to "fire and forget" silly posts.

Still it's kicked off thoughts I'm glad I've considered and highlighted the value of my relationships with my wife and 3 friends.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
This post sure says a lot more about him than about his friends.

This post has been circulating FB for the last couple days. Well meaning folk the world over have been having the same conversation with themselves as toadstrike did.

One of my childhood friends sent it on, and the body of the post was so unlike her that I just skimmed down to see if it had " make this your status if you want to stay my friend" at the end. Bingo. Which meant she just sent it along to reassure one of her friends, and so on.

I just won't send anything that might put my friends in the position of having to go though such mental gymnastics, so I just ignore the directive. One in a great while I might " like" the sentiment ( above and beyond the guilt tag) but I just refuse to inflict copypasta on my friends.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
I'm in awe in a strange way of those who have the patience and energy to line up their list of friends and double check who has posted on such a post or not, and delete the right ones.

Not once has anyone who sent me such glurge defriended me. In fact, usually a day later they are posting kitten crap at me.

Like I said, they are probably passing it on to appease someone else.

Posted by toadstrike (# 18244) on :

It looks like he was suckered into making the post and I was very nearly suckered into doing the same had I not insisted on my disclaimer.

There is a good side or two to it. In a short space of time as a direct result:

My wife has said she loves me.
I have said I love her.
Both of us clearly meant it (and not just because of the date).
She's described our marriage as "strong".
Two friends had said some very nice things about me.
I've learnt a few things about that guy I hadn't realised.
I've learnt a lot about an important subject I hadn't thought about properly partly from you folk.

Hopefully you'll excuse me whilst I go away and feel pretty good about myself for a while.

Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
I think that your friend was being kind to a friend, as you were being kind. These are like chain letters, with an emotional tag. I never ever like or share if I'm told to. Perhaps it's cussedness.

Same here. Further, if it has some kind of guilt message ("99% of you won't repost this" or other such bullcrap), I will usually post a comment that it's manipulative, or that I never repost things that have a guilt component.

Posted by cliffdweller (# 13338) on :

Now before this thread dies, you all must all prove you are a friend/ God-fearing Christian/ living breathing human being, by copying my post and writing amen/ emoji of choice/ whatever. Otherwise there will be hell to pay and all the cute puppies will die. Plus baby Jesus cries. You don't want that, do ya? No, I didn't think so.

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

Yep, it's simply another meme. A `friend of mine posted exactly the same words. I ignored them.

Simples.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I HATE chain letters, share-if-you-care memes, clickbait, and Heart Warming (and generally untrue) stories.

It is given a bitter edge by memories of a time when I was far from home and very worried about a certain matter. On some hard-won 'net time I saw there was an email from a close friend - hurrah! It turned out to be one of these saccharine hoaxes - anent, to make it worse, the very thing that was preying on my mind.

However, our friendship survived my rather sharp introduction to the utility of Snopes.com.

Posted by Macrina (# 8807) on :

Always ignore these, they irritate the proverbial out of me.

I have once done a clear out of friends on Facebook after my second year in NZ and warned specific people first more to make sure they wanted to stay not to guilt them into declaring undying love for me. (the only people who went were ones I hadn't spoken to in years)

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

When I get the chainmail saying post this to ten friends, I can never think of ten friends who would want to read it.

Posted by Belle Ringer (# 13379) on :

I got a chain email once saying send this to 5 people and you will be blessed but of you fail to send it on you will suffer harm.

The person who sent it doesn't usually send that sort of thing. Later she asked if I had sent it on, I said no, why would I want to risk causing harm to friends? She said she hadn't thought of that. Pregnant for the first time and in an insecure job, she felt vulnerable and didn't want any risk of "what if it's true?"

When I get "send this back if you are my friend" if I care a lot about the person and haven't been in contact recently I send a quick personal note "how ya doing?", NOT the item I'm told to return. If I don't really care, I don't respond, we'll get in touch naturally as part of the flow of life.

Posted by Gramps49 (# 16378) on :

Worse yet

When people start posting racist material about Obama claiming he only made racism worse.

I bet you have similar political memes on your side of the pond(s).

I usually just delete these memes and then block the source of the meme. I do not block the friend that sent it since the friendships mean more to me than such unthinking garbage.

However, I do like to twink them from time to time--insert a pro gun control thought here an anti Trump post there, a feel the Bern thought elsewhere.

Keeps my friends on their toes.

Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :

Back in my childhood (when the earth's crust was still cooling) my father was an employee of the US Postal Service. Chain letters were at that time a fad, and he was given to vehement pronouncement that they were 'against the law.' I never checked up on that, but I assume that he was correct, at least that they were contrary to postal regulations. IIRC, though, this was because they involved money and were in some sense gambling.

I have always felt that 'chain emails' were the same sort of thing, and should be illegal. The political or quasi-religious ones certainly send me enough into a rage to be dangerous.

Posted by Gramps49 (# 16378) on :

A chain letter that is illegal it it is a "get rich quick" scheme that promises that your mail box will soon be stuffed full of cash if you decide to participate. You're told you can make thousands of dollars every month if you follow the detailed instructions in the letter.

A typical chain letter includes names and addresses of several individuals whom you may or may not know. You are instructed to send a certain amount of money--usually $5--to the person at the top of the list, and then eliminate that name and add yours to the bottom. You are then instructed to mail copies of the letter to a few more individuals who will hopefully repeat the entire process. The letter promises that if they follow the same procedure, your name will gradually move to the top of the list and you'll receive money -- lots of it.

Chain letters are illegal if they request money or other items of value and promise a substantial return to the participants. Chain letters are a form of gambling, and sending them through the mail (or delivering them in person or by computer, but mailing money to participate) violates Title 18, United States Code, Section 1302, the Postal Lottery Statute. (Chain letters that ask for items of minor value, like picture postcards or recipes, may be mailed, since such items are not things of value within the meaning of the law.)

Other countries no doubt have similar laws

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