Ship of Fools: FUNeral tales

Thread: FUNeral tales Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Mudfrog (# 8116) on :

Has this been done before?
We've ALL been to funerals where the bizarre has occurred. Many of us have conducted those funerals.

Let's have a FUNeral...

Yesterday I conducted a funeral and, as I stood at the head of the yet-to-be-lowered coffin, the mourners stepped forward one b one to lay either a red or a yellow long stemmed rose on the lid. One young man then stepped forward and laid a Bag of Maltesers on the foot of the coffin.

I couldn't believe it. And then the undertaker stood forward and picked up the bag; I thought he was going to give it back to the mourner and say it wasn't appropriate but no, he walked down the length of the coffin, placed the bag of chocolates on the head of the coffin and said 'let's put it in the right place.'

Amazing LOL

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

I have long tought of collecting a volume of Altar Guild horror stories. The one in which the edge of the grave collapsed and the recgor fell in on top of the coffin was the core of the collection.

Posted by cliffdweller (# 13338) on :

This is more hellish than fun, but...

The most... uh, challenging... funeral I ever officiated at was for a member of the church who had been housebound for many years. I didn't know her at all-- we had a visitation pastor who visited her and all our housebound members weekly. Unfortunately, he died just a week before the woman in question. He did leave a file in which she had indicated the hymns she would like sung at her service.

I was contacted by a friend of the deceased-- the friend was not a member of our church. She let me know that the deceased had a number of local family members who were estranged from her ever since they put her in a nursing home years ago over her objections. The friend had "rescued" her from the nursing home and set her up in her own home with home care. I only heard the friends' side of the story, I gather the family would frame it differently and suspected the friend of preying on an elderly woman. But no way I could hash that out because the family refused all contact with me.

Since the family wanted nothing to do with the arrangements, I met with the friend to plan the service. I showed her our lovely chapel, which seats 30 comfortably, but she said that would be far too small-- this will be a big service, so she scheduled the main sanctuary, which seats 800.

Writing the eulogy was a challenge since the friend knew very little of her life before they met only a few years ago. So it went something like, "Mrs. X was born somewhere in the midwest about 80 years ago. At some point she moved out west. 75 years ago she met her friend, Mrs. Y".

Day of the funeral and a grand total of 8 people showed up to sit in the 800 seat sanctuary. The friend sat on one side, 2 deacons who had visited the woman sat in the row behind her, 4 family members sat on the opposite side pointedly glaring at the friend.

So we come to the first of the hymns she had requested. I announced the hymn and the page number, the organist played the intro, I started singing... solo. Not a peep from the guests. Me singing a solo is not a pretty sound.

Come to the 2nd hymn. This time I'm thinking maybe they just aren't church-goers and don't know how to do it. I explain that Mrs. X had requested this hymn. I showed them how to find it in the hymnal. I asked the organist to play it thru in its entirety once. We begin the hymn... and once again I'm singing solo. And the hymn is "In the Garden." I am a rusty alto. Hitting the high note at the end of the first line pretty much burst a lung.

Meanwhile, my friend the sound guy is sitting in back in the sound booth recording the whole thing and laughing his a** off. He has held onto the tapes for blackmail purposes.

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

Country funerals can be challenging. Like when you come to lower the coffin into the grave on a blisteringly hot day only to discover a large black snake has decided the hole is a lovely cool place to be because the shade is falling just right...

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

"So, Reverend, how can we break it to the congregation that we won't go down to the cemetery after the service, because we dug the wrong hole? We need to tell them that it will be a week before the digging machine can get back into our tiny hamlet. What will we say?"

Rowena opens and closes her mouth a bit. She is not sure. Her previous 27 years of ministry experience has not given her the answers....

[ 25. June 2016, 23:27: Message edited by: Rowen ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
Has this been done before?
We've ALL been to funerals where the bizarre has occurred. Many of us have conducted those funerals.

Let's have a FUNeral...

Yesterday I conducted a funeral and, as I stood at the head of the yet-to-be-lowered coffin, the mourners stepped forward one b one to lay either a red or a yellow long stemmed rose on the lid. One young man then stepped forward and laid a Bag of Maltesers on the foot of the coffin.

I couldn't believe it. And then the undertaker stood forward and picked up the bag; I thought he was going to give it back to the mourner and say it wasn't appropriate but no, he walked down the length of the coffin, placed the bag of chocolates on the head of the coffin and said 'let's put it in the right place.'

Amazing LOL

I think that was very kind of him! What a generous way to respond.

Who knows what significance that bag of Maltsers might have had to that young man?

Posted by bib (# 13074) on :

Fellow Australians will remember an episode of Mother and Son when the mother buys a bag of oranges on the way to the funeral, leans over the grave at a solemn point and spills the oranges down onto the coffin. There is consternation when she wants to retrieve her oranges. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen and worth watching if you can find it on you tube or elsewhere.

Posted by Mudfrog (# 8116) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
Has this been done before?
We've ALL been to funerals where the bizarre has occurred. Many of us have conducted those funerals.

Let's have a FUNeral...

Yesterday I conducted a funeral and, as I stood at the head of the yet-to-be-lowered coffin, the mourners stepped forward one b one to lay either a red or a yellow long stemmed rose on the lid. One young man then stepped forward and laid a Bag of Maltesers on the foot of the coffin.

I couldn't believe it. And then the undertaker stood forward and picked up the bag; I thought he was going to give it back to the mourner and say it wasn't appropriate but no, he walked down the length of the coffin, placed the bag of chocolates on the head of the coffin and said 'let's put it in the right place.'

Amazing LOL
I think that was very kind of him! What a generous way to respond.

Who knows what significance that bag of Maltsers might have had to that young man?

I discovered yesterday that she was allowed to at Maltesers after being given oromorph because she hated the taste.

Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :

quote:
Originally posted by bib:
Fellow Australians will remember an episode of Mother and Son when the mother buys a bag of oranges on the way to the funeral, leans over the grave at a solemn point and spills the oranges down onto the coffin. There is consternation when she wants to retrieve her oranges. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen and worth watching if you can find it on you tube or elsewhere.

Even now, I find Mother and Son hard to watch. It cut too close to the bone with my dad sliding down into Alzheimers at the time. It is only over the last few years that I have been able to laugh at reruns. The show certainly captures many of the characteristics of those suffering from it.

I saw last week that the place used for filming the show wwas demolished recently. It was not far from my place.

[ 26. June 2016, 07:48: Message edited by: Lothlorien ]

Posted by leo (# 1458) on :

The paschal candle to the side of the coffin exploded - wax everywhere

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

Whoa, whatt happened there? I would guess that water got into the liquid wax receptacle.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
I discovered yesterday that she was allowed to at Maltesers after being given oromorph because she hated the taste.

(sniff) That's kinda sweet.

I guess this fits here-- at my grandpa's funeral, people brought dozens and dozens of those yellow smiley face stickers-- you know, like this [Smile]

, because Grandpa would throw these big bashes for his square dancing club/ bowling league callec " Smile Parties." They involved stand up, black out sketches, musical numbers, and every version of that yellow smiley you could think of.

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
"So, Reverend, how can we break it to the congregation that we won't go down to the cemetery after the service, because we dug the wrong hole?

We had a couple of nerve janglers on the grave digging. When you dig by hand the hole is the same shape as the coffin and he toes should always be at the East facing end.
Some churchyards are confusing as they can have headstones facing the wrong way, and/or placed on the foot end. I was half way down once and my partner fortunately pointed out my error. Turned out the occupant was to be a Salvation Army lady so that could have been quite embarrassing.

I heard of a digger who wasn't so lucky. They carried the coffin out to the grave, realised the hole was wrong way round and had to send the mourners back into Church while it was altered.

Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on :

Deacon processing with candle ahead of coffin arrived at the front of church to discover someone had removed the candle stand, in the last 20 minutes before start of service. WTF? Made eye contact with priest who responded with amused look.

Stood holding candle wondering how I was going to read the Gospel in the mist of the people. Handed off candle and read Gospel and at Peace removed candle from church by side altar door. From that time forward assigned altar guild member to guard the candle holder any time pascal candle was carried.

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

Funniest true story I ever read was from the 1940's. Country town in Australia. Hearse was ancient and unreliable. Height of summer. Refrigeration had broken down where the rather portly deceased gentleman had been stored in a cheap pine coffin. Loading the hearse was an unsavoury job for the three men doing it. The service was to be a graveside one in a neighbouring town's cemetery a fifty minute drive away. Then the hearse broke down halfway up a hill. As the driver opened the rear hatch to retrieve tools necessary to fixing the problem, the coffin, now full of gas, slid off the rails and hit the road, promptly bursting open.

The men knew that two of them needed to be clean and presentable for the service. So one of the unlucky travellers was left with the job of reassembling the coffin and its contents. He ordered the other two to work on the car, and not to watch what he did. He stripped off his shirt and about 45 minutes later announced they were ready to load.

The coffin was holding together, albeit with some rather unsavoury stains. When they raised their eyebrows at their companion he just said "Don't even ask!" The radiator had cooled enough for the hearse to get going again and they made it to the service, if somewhat late. The congregants quickly all drifted downwind of the coffin while the rector, rather pale, gave the shortest committal in history.

I believe much drinking was done later on in the day.

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

At my mother's funeral, on the way from the church to the cemetery, the hearse had a flat tire. Rather than stop to change it, the driver kept on going and we flip-flopped our way to the grave.

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

quote:
Originally posted by rolyn:

quote:
Originally posted by Rowen:
"So, Reverend, how can we break it to the congregation that we won't go down to the cemetery after the service, because we dug the wrong hole?
We had a couple of nerve janglers on the grave digging. When you dig by hand the hole is the same shape as the coffin and he toes should always be at the East facing end.
Some churchyards are confusing as they can have headstones facing the wrong way, and/or placed on the foot end. I was half way down once and my partner fortunately pointed out my error. Turned out the occupant was to be a Salvation Army lady so that could have been quite embarrassing.

I heard of a digger who wasn't so lucky. They carried the coffin out to the grave, realised the hole was wrong way round and had to send the mourners back into Church while it was altered.

There are no particular rules here, and most cemeteries are owned by local councils. Holes just happen, according to family/local customs. Near me, in a steep mountain valley, the cemetery has one rule.... Buried with coffin in upright position, as not enough room for anything else.

Of course, folk can choose cremation.

Posted by Meerkat (# 16117) on :

Not exactly a funeral issue, but it could have been if we hadn't had a stroke of luck. A while back, a lady of advanced years (who had been a stalwart of our Church for about 80 years) died and was cremated. Her ashes were to be placed in the family grave.

Our Treasurer, who had been a friend of the family for many years, located the grave - which had a very worn headstone. The plot was advised to the Undertakers and they were preparing to dig a small hole the following week.

By chance, I was talking to another long-term resident of the village and he said that he had a booklet which had been prepared by a historical society in the 1960's. It detailed every grave plot and headstone inscription. He offered it to me, so I, as Churchwarden, accepted. A very useful document.

I immediately looked for the family grave of the aforementioned lady and discovered that there were TWO with the same surname. I wandered off to investigate and discovered that we would have placed the ashes in the wrong one! The correct grave was in fact not so weathered and the inscription was clearly visible.

A very awkward situation avoided by chance, or maybe Divine Intervention...

Posted by Callan (# 525) on :

Years ago I was once told a story by a priest who, at his first graveside committal watched in horror as the coffin got stuck. There was an appalled silence, only broken when the widow remarked: "He always was an awkward bugger".

Years later I took a funeral for a comparatively youngish chap who, among other things, played in a brass band which played at his funeral. For some reason, I mentioned the story to the widow in this instance. Inevitably the coffin got stuck, inevitably she turned to me and said: "He always was an awkward bugger".

Once matters had been resolved and we made our way back to the church I overheard two of the band members. "You know, with anyone else that would have just been painful and difficult. But with X it just seemed strangely appropriate!"

Posted by sabine (# 3861) on :

My brother did not want a religious memorial service, so we arranged to have it at the funeral home. However, he had been such a gregarious and charismatic guy that the list of attendees soon outgrew the capabilities of the funeral home.

So we moved it to a banquet room at the local Holiday Inn. (This is not the funny part because the people at the Holiday Inn were fabulous in the way they dealt with us.)

What we had forgotten to take into account was the fact that this was a football weekend in a college town. This Holiday Inn was full of people from the visiting team, most of them tailgaiting in the parking lot! All of our guests had to walk past passionate (and probably drunk) fans cooking meat over grills, singing school songs, and otherwise acting as college football fans usually act.

Rather than viewing this as an annoyance, the consensus of the attendees was that my brother would have loved having a tailgait memorial. [Smile]

sabine

Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Years ago I was once told a story by a priest who, at his first graveside committal watched in horror as the coffin got stuck. There was an appalled silence, only broken when the widow remarked: "He always was an awkward bugger".

Years later I took a funeral for a comparatively youngish chap who, among other things, played in a brass band which played at his funeral. For some reason, I mentioned the story to the widow in this instance. Inevitably the coffin got stuck, inevitably she turned to me and said: "He always was an awkward bugger".

Once matters had been resolved and we made our way back to the church I overheard two of the band members. "You know, with anyone else that would have just been painful and difficult. But with X it just seemed strangely appropriate!"

Currently considering the possibility of secret instructions for the gravediggers...

Posted by Callan (# 525) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:

quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Years ago I was once told a story by a priest who, at his first graveside committal watched in horror as the coffin got stuck. There was an appalled silence, only broken when the widow remarked: "He always was an awkward bugger".

Years later I took a funeral for a comparatively youngish chap who, among other things, played in a brass band which played at his funeral. For some reason, I mentioned the story to the widow in this instance. Inevitably the coffin got stuck, inevitably she turned to me and said: "He always was an awkward bugger".

Once matters had been resolved and we made our way back to the church I overheard two of the band members. "You know, with anyone else that would have just been painful and difficult. But with X it just seemed strangely appropriate!"
Currently considering the possibility of secret instructions for the gravediggers...

It was a Church of England service so I think the adage about cock-ups being more plausible than conspiracies holds here.

Posted by Dennis the Menace (# 11833) on :

I worked as a funeral director for 10 years.

Had a service where the grave was too small. As it was a large cemetery we were able to hold the family well back from the site while the gravediggers did their bit. Still a bit embarrassing.

I tripped over a rock one day as we were carrying a coffin from the hearse to the graveside, almost dropped the coffin and in doing let out quite a loud 'shit', no one was in earshot!

I answered the phone one time B.... Funeral,s Dennis speaking. C
aller: my husband is dead
D: I am sorry to hear that. Your name.
Caller: I'm not sorry, just glad he is dead.
D: stunned silence for two seconds before launching into our usual spiel. Was later told by the person who did the arrangement that hubby had been sick for many years and his death was a happy release for the family.

One time we were doing a church funeral at an old church with very narrow door ways. Told the family as they carried the coffin out that they would have juggle themselves through the doorway. That was OK but when it came time one guy in front just let the handle go and walked off, Luckily we had our eyes on them and managed to step in before a disaster occurred.

Had to have two separate services, complete with different flowers and clergy for one family who were at loggerheads. At another, almost a punchup between brothers, Police called to sort it out.

I was to play the organ at a Catholic funeral one time and on arrival found the organ locked. I asked the priest for the key. He replied 'I'll just pop out the back and have a root'. My face must have been quite something else as he quickly added 'I meant a look'. He was English and root does not mean the same as it does here in Oz.

The best time was when I received a ticket for 'speeding' in the hearse, complete with body and crew on board. The copper was not the least sympathetic and seemed not or chose not to see the body in the back. My boss complained to the local police and we received an apology. I didn't loose any points and the company paid the fine.

Those were the days....

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :

My niece works in an emergency call centre in a small city, where occasionally she has to make arrangements for the deceased to be collected.
They have one vehicle designed to take very large people. Usually she is informed: "We'll need the fat truck".
On one occasion she organised the barometric ambulance only to be asked to get the fire truck as well. They couldn't get the extremely large body through the upstairs hallway and stairwell, so had to dismantle a large window and the wall underneath.

The family wanted a cremation rather than a burial. The original crematorium had burned down a few years before, and when the new one was hastily built it was smaller, with many more safety regulations in place. My niece wondered how it coped with the specially built coffin that had to be made and caught up with the crematorium supervisor at a function later that month.

He shook his head and said it was the worst cremation they had ever had. Nothing would fit in the normal way. The staff had to disassemble both the casket and the body to get it through the furnace. It took them a couple of weeks rather than a couple of days to process because they had underestimated how much fat melt their equipment could cope with each time and it overflowed creating an extremely unsavoury cleaning job for the centre.

They learned the hard way to turn down some cremation requests.

Posted by Barnabas Aus (# 15869) on :

Not so much a funeral tale, but following on from BL, a couple of streets over lived a massively-obese man in a small weatherboard house. He became ill and required hospitalisation. This necessitated removal of the roof and use of a large crane to lift him out and over the building before he could be placed in the ambulance.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

I'm sorry. The Hostly carboy of brain bleach has run out.

Firenze
Heaven Host

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