Ship of Fools: Interesting (for the wrong reasons) church signs

Thread: Interesting (for the wrong reasons) church signs Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :

Sign in front of rural Baptist church:

Summer Worship 10 AM
Can you justify it?

Are we worshiping summer?
Are we discussing whether one should worship in the summer time (which is fairly short hereabouts)?
How many other ways can we read this?

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

Well, the way you've posted it, the type isn't justified...
[Razz]

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

Nor is the writing of AM instead of a.m. ...

But we know what you mean!

It's a bit like those signs you see advertising "Giant Plant Sale" ... I've only got a small garden, so there's no point in me going.

Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :

Or "Heavy Plant Crossing", which, in our family, always led to remarks about triffids.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

'Stable manure'. You don't want to think about unstable.

ETA. That wasn't outside a church. And unlikely to be, unless there is one staging a very realistic Nativity Play.

[ 16. August 2016, 07:57: Message edited by: Firenze ]

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
Or "Heavy Plant Crossing", which, in our family, always led to remarks about triffids.

And in ours.

There are of course the apocryphal signs outside churches which say things such as "Weight Watchers meet here, enter via the large double doors at the back". Allegedly, too, one church had over its main entrance the text: "This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven" but underneath: "Closed in winter months to conserve heat, please use other door".

Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:

It's a bit like those signs you see advertising "Giant Plant Sale" ... I've only got a small garden, so there's no point in me going.

Every year there's a sign that appears outside my local garden centre saying "Sod Today". I often agree with it.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

There is (again allegedly) a story of a person who saw a poster outside a church saying, "Jesus Saves" and said, "Yes, I really must get to the bank and sort out my savings".

Posted by SvitlanaV2 (# 16967) on :

Yeah...

In Britain I don't think you really get weird and/or mirth-inducing church signs these days. Most church leaders must be vaguely aware of the old jokes about unintended puns, and awkward juxtapositions can be avoided with a little thought.

One reason could be that church ministers are better educated than they used to be, and congregations more middle class. Many of the small working class Nonconformist and independent churches have closed, and the CofE never went in for grand noticeboard announcements about salvation, etc. anyway.

The newer denominations and sectarian groups seem to keep the verbiage outside their church buildings to a minimum. They might direct people to their website for more info.

Literate church graffiti is also less common than it used to be. There's mindless tagging, but attempts to be witty, or to express some radical or alternative theology, are rare. Secularisation has probably made churches less obvious or less interesting objects of the graffiti artist's attention. And CCTV is everywhere....

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

The US seems to be the place for (deliberately?) groanworthy church signs. But there can be unintended mistakes even there.

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

Oooh. Somebody's just got to Mystery Worship that one!

On a related note: Some funeral homes in our area advertise "Full cremation $625." How much for a partial one, then?

Posted by Higgs Bosun (# 16582) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
Or "Heavy Plant Crossing", which, in our family, always led to remarks about triffids.

That one reminds me of the old song "the biggest aspidistra in the world".

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

I love the old road sign that states Soft Verges - its puts me in mind of a chap leading a procession with a drooping wand [Snigger]

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
On a related note: Some funeral homes in our area advertise "Full cremation $625." How much for a partial one, then?

Again allegedly - the barber who advertised "Hair cut while you wait". Well, you know what they meant, but ...!

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
I love the old road sign that states Soft Verges - its puts me in mind of a chap leading a procession with a drooping wand

With a more veterinary feel: look at this sign. Mind you, help is clearly at hand.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

Have to say I like this one.

Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :

A church sign seen by a friend of mine somewhere in rural Alabama:

Seven Seeds in the Spirit Sun-Rising Apostolic Baptist Church of Jesus Christ with Signs Following

He said that it seemed to be written in chalk, as if they could add to it as the Spirit moved them.

With all of that I presume there was no room for a sermon title!

Posted by Hugal (# 2734) on :

Outside one of the Churches in Ealing West London was a sign saying
Christ the Savior for 150 Years.

I thought is was about 2000

Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :

The town of Climax (Saskatchewan) United Church sign used to read "Climax United, Come Again". But they meant the joke.

Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
Well, the way you've posted it, the type isn't justified...

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

A church near us does sometimes have really bad signs. Things like "If you're feeling low and depressed, come and join us". But I haven't noticed anything currently ( I will check today!)

Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :

Many years ago the Vicar of an Anglican church in Wellington (NZ) wrote a book which was sold from the church office. The noticeboard outside the church read Sin in the City 2/6

Huia

Posted by SvitlanaV2 (# 16967) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
A church near us does sometimes have really bad signs. Things like "If you're feeling low and depressed, come and join us".

Why is that bad?

Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :

Those lists of probably mythical church signs and newsletter items have hopefully run their course, but as church newsletter editor I'd be sent them every few years by someone who'd just had them pop up in their emailer and thought I'd love to have them for space fillers. I never had the heart to say 'I've had that lot in my files for five years and haven't ever managed to use one of them'.

When I go to the dentist I park where the sign says 'PATIENT CAR PARK'.

GG

Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :

Thought I'd check out one or two older New Zealand MWs, and in this one found a stained glass widow.
Bit of careless proof-reading there.

GG

Posted by SvitlanaV2 (# 16967) on :

quote:
Originally posted by SvitlanaV2:

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
A church near us does sometimes have really bad signs. Things like "If you're feeling low and depressed, come and join us".
Why is that bad?

On reflection, it's a rather unBritish thing for a church to say. Most of us are somewhat cynical about what a church can 'do' for someone feeling low, and I suppose it's considered unseemly for churches to have inflated beliefs about their own usefulness.

OTOH, the message might be relevant to the demographic that tends to feel at home at their church. Hassled agnostic accountants fed up with the commute and dreaming of the holiday in Cornwall are probably not the target readership.

Myself, I'm not keen on signs that say 'All welcome'.

Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :

There's a church in Sarf Lun'non which once had a large board propped up on the side of the building with a succession of handpainted messages to reach out to the passing traffic jam. They have now graduated to a couple of boards mounted to face both directions along the road, but none of them have repeated the one which my friend and I felt utterly repulsive.

Left half of the board, unexceptionally, "God Loves You". Right half of the board "And if you do not love Him, you will go to Hell."

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Galloping Granny:
Those lists of probably mythical church signs and newsletter items have hopefully run their course, but as church newsletter editor I'd be sent them every few years by someone who'd just had them pop up in their emailer and thought I'd love to have them for space fillers. I never had the heart to say 'I've had that lot in my files for five years and haven't ever managed to use one of them'.
GG

I don't think they will EVER run their course. I have worked at two churches -- one pre-internet and one more recently. At both churches I had numerous people share those bloopers with me thinking they were so clever, and of course I would want to publish them in the newsletter.

[Roll Eyes]

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

quote:
Originally posted by SvitlanaV2:

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
A church near us does sometimes have really bad signs. Things like "If you're feeling low and depressed, come and join us".
Why is that bad?

I can't remember the exact wording, but the implication was that we are low and depressed too, so come and join us in misery.

Currently it is just naff, not funny. Sorry.

Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :

I was in the Oxfam bookshop in Sevenoaks and saw an entire book of American church signs.

I left it there.

Posted by Erik (# 11406) on :

There is a church near us which often has oddly worded signs. Recently they had a sign saying 'We love hurting people'. [Ultra confused]

I think they meant they are loving to people who are hurt.

Posted by beatmenace (# 16955) on :

I have been to several shops claiming to be holding a 'Mammoth Sale' but have never yet been able to find a single Mammoth , for sale or otherwise.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

You need to try the shop at the Natural History Museum.

Posted by Teekeey Misha (# 18604) on :

There was, of course, the case of a parish church whose driveway was frequently blocked by parked cars. In the interest of fire brigade access, the local council stepped in and painted markings on the road outside. Cue oft-published internet meme of a church marked "KEEP CLEAR" in large letters.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Teekeey Misha:
There was, of course, the case of a parish church whose driveway was frequently blocked by parked cars. In the interest of fire brigade access, the local council stepped in and painted markings on the road outside. Cue oft-published internet meme of a church marked "KEEP CLEAR" in large letters.

We sent one in to the Ship and it was published on the Signs and Blunders page. In fact, I've just been to look and it is still there - a small picture on the right. The church in question is in Buckinghamshire. (Well it might be - there are several small pics which keep changing....)

[ 02. September 2016, 20:32: Message edited by: Chorister ]

Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :

At this church (scroll down to the bottom) you apparently risk arrest by attending.

Posted by bib (# 13074) on :

Not a church sign, but on a window at the local butchers the sign read: LAMB MINCE, BEEF MINCE, PET MINCE. I couldn't help myself and I went into the shop and asked what sort of pets had been minced. I haven't dared enter that shop since as I think they might mince me.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

quote:
Originally posted by bib:
Not a church sign, but on a window at the local butchers the sign read: LAMB MINCE, BEEF MINCE, PET MINCE. I couldn't help myself and I went into the shop and asked what sort of pets had been minced. I haven't dared enter that shop since as I think they might mince me.

The sign saying 'Rabbits, for pets or food' was quite genuine - it was a painted sign outside a farm in Cornwall when I was young.

Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :

Along about the time the movie version of Watership Down came out there was a photo of a butcher shop window. The sign said, "You've seen the movie! Now eat the cast!"

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

Which reminds me - in my town there is a Bright Eyes Nursery, and the sign features two Miffy-style rabbits.

Nooooo!

Posted by beatmenace (# 16955) on :

One I liked back in 1983 was on a Liverpool Church , following the death of Soviet leader Yuri Andropov.

Andropov was a Russian former commander of the KGB who was dedicated to "the destruction of dissent in all its forms" and who's memorable quotes included "the struggle for human rights was a part of a wide-ranging imperialist plot to undermine the foundation of the Soviet state".

He was directly responsible for the imprisonment and execution of a fair number of Christians, among many other dissidents.

The morning after his death - this church had put a sign up which just said.

"Now Andropov knows"

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Two of my favourites:

A sign on a wall saying 'Vicar' below a hole in the wall shaped like a small cross. Guess, like the camel through an eye of a needle, only men of the cloth could fit through the hole....

A large bin with the word 'Church' on it. We truly live in straightened times...

Posted by argona (# 14037) on :

There's a church near me, sign has the usual things - the denomination, service times etc - and then it just says 'Pastor L Bent'. Hope he or she at least gets their flock headed the other way.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

quote:
Originally posted by argona:
There's a church near me, sign has the usual things - the denomination, service times etc - and then it just says 'Pastor L Bent'. Hope he or she at least gets their flock headed the other way.

Saw one once with 'Pastor Way'. Hope he went to the other place, too!

Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:

quote:
Originally posted by argona:
There's a church near me, sign has the usual things - the denomination, service times etc - and then it just says 'Pastor L Bent'. Hope he or she at least gets their flock headed the other way.
Saw one once with 'Pastor Way'. Hope he went to the other place, too!

There used to be (may still be) a Rev. Wright Hand in Tucson, Arizona.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

I know personally a "Rev. Sermon" - in fact I'll probably seeing him in a couple of weeks. And very good he is, too.

Posted by Eirenist (# 13343) on :

There is or was, reputedly,a sign over the shop front of a hire car business in a small town in Ireland. Over the left hand window it read 'SELF DRIVE', over the right hand one it read 'FUNERALS'.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

In the village where I grew up, there was a Reverend Fairbeard. I'm not sure about the spelling now, but he had to marry two people with the surnames 'Razor' and 'Shave'.

Posted by argona (# 14037) on :

Off topic I know, but at one place I worked, among the customers were a Mr Lusty and a Miss Sex. Really. We kinda longed for them to meet, marry and hyphenate.

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

Among my relatives was a woman whose last name was Slaughter. She married a man named Battle.

Moo

Posted by Salicional (# 16461) on :

Driving through rural western Ohio, I came across a little Methodist church with a big hand-painted sign out front:

COME WORSHIP
NEW PASTOR

I snapped a photo of it, but never did come back to worship the new pastor. He or she must have been quite something, though!

Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
Among my relatives was a woman whose last name was Slaughter. She married a man named Battle.

Moo

Did they have peaceful marriage, one cannot help but wonder?

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

In Creamtealand, at least temporarily, there was a warning sign in the road saying 'Cats Eyes Removed'. Unfortunately, this was placed next to another sign pointing to the 'VETS'.

The vet nurses found it very funny, but they did smell a rat when they realised there weren't actually any road works going on there at the time...

Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
In Creamtealand, at least temporarily, there was a warning sign in the road saying 'Cats Eyes Removed'. Unfortunately, this was placed next to another sign pointing to the 'VETS'.

The vet nurses found it very funny, but they did smell a rat when they realised there weren't actually any road works going on there at the time...

What, the RATS put the sign there? [Help]

That thought was probably inspired by a former UK minister for agriculture, who complained that a trial cull of badgers in England (to try to control the spread of bovine TB) had failed because "the badgers moved the goalposts"! [Roll Eyes]

BBC report here as evidence.

To no one's surprise, he was sacked in the next reshuffle...

Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :

On my last visit to the GP I had to park on the lower of two levels. There is a circular ramp with lights top and bottom, which react to the arrival of a car in motion.
Half way up there's a sign on the wall which says 'Beware of waiting cars at top of ramp'.
I wish I was a cartoonist; I could picture the fierce snarling creatures waiting to pounce on my car as I got to the top.

GG

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Whoever is in charge of the sign at our city's other Pisky shack decided to take the summer off:

quote:
Too hot to change the sign every week.
God loves you! Details inside.

As the person in charge of my church's sign, I thought that was quite clever. [Overused]

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